This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way
of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me
on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as
my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very
bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised
about the following changes. I have noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I
try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-
changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch whom you must
nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the
Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must
be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and abilities) must be accompanied by ocumented
proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
have modeled it on the number of button presses required to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you
to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much
like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person
with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and
will be answered by an automated voice.
Press buttons as follows:
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, plifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.