Dear Sir/Madam
The Chief Constable's Special Investigations Unit is a special unit of the Suffolk Constabulary, based at Martlesham Heath, Ipswich.
It has recently come to our notice that you may well be investigating a similar phenomena to ourselves in the Bury St. Edmunds area.
The investigation I feel that we are sharing is that a young lady (the specific details of whom I feel it would probably be more appropriate to discuss at our next meeting) was within the confines of her own garden, on the patio, clad in minimal attire, and relaxing in the uninhibited attitude that is colloquially described as 'giving it a bit of an airing.'
The reason that the matter came to our attention in the first instance is that a neighbour, a Mr Ivor Gross-Swelling, was cleaning his upper windows when he noticed 'Miss X'. He had been noticing Miss X for some 20 minutes, when the moorings of the pelmet to which he had been clutching, gave way and Mr Gross-Swelling fell out of the window.
Mr Gross-Swelling sustained fractures to 4 ribs, his left tibia, two teeth and Mrs Gross-Swelling's prize Azalea. Upon observing Mr Gross-Swelling's impromptu and rapid journey into the shrubbery and the resultant damage to the best pot-plant (1998), Mrs Gross-Swelling assisted her spouse from his undignified position.
Unfortunately she assisted him with a bucket and garden-spade, resulting in a further fractured rib, and a dislocated elbow.
This fracas was reported to the Desk Officer in Raingate Street, Bury St. Edmunds, by another neighbour, a Mrs Mandy Lifeboats.
Police Constable 438 Plonker, being approximately adjacent to the incident, was sent to investigate. The following is an extract from his report of the situation. The paragraph concerning the area that I believe will be of most interest to yourself is marked with an asterisk.
"I arrived on the scene at 10:37 on the morning of the 15th
August 2000. Upon entering the premises owned by Mr and Mrs
Gross-Swelling, I was confronted by a distressed gentleman with
a severe limp, (whom I later ascertained as being Mr Ivor Gross-
Swellingand succeeding) upon his person by a woman whom I later
discovered to be Mrs Gross-Swelling. By the time I had separated the combatants, several other
neighbours had arrived and were able to render assistance,
unfortunately by throwing the voluble Mrs Gross-Swelling into
the coal-shed, and bolting the door. I was able to summon an ambulance to the address for the aid of
the injured gentleman. Whilst waiting for the medical service,
I did question Mr Gross-Swelling as to the reason for this
situation, which he told me. (See above).
Having seen Mr Gross-Swelling off in an ambulatory conveyance,
and Mrs Gross-Swelling off in a Police conveyance, I went to
investigate further. Apparently, the disturbances of the previous hour had not
disturbed Miss X as she was still having (in the vernacular) a
kip. I entered the property of Miss X to enquire as to whether she
could assist in my enquiries of the disturbance from the
neighbouring property. I rapped loudly on the patio table immediately adjacent to Miss
X, but she failed to respond. I then tapped Miss X upon the
shoulder, but achieved the same lack of result. I was about to speak when I heard a voice. I made a cursory
search of the immediate vicinity, but could see no-one. I heard
the voice again, but was unable to discern what was said. The
voice appeared to emanate from the lady's 'Pubic Triangle', or
in this case 'Public Triangle.' I forced myself to wait for
confirmation before embarking on what I believed to be a gross
infringement of privacy. I received this confirmation that the voice was indeed calling
from where I thought it was coming from, and then decided to
investigate. I first stated that I was a police officer, and asked the owner
of the voice to make him- or her-self available to assist me
with my enquiries. The voice replied, "I've got a problem. Can you come in and
help?" To say that I was concerned was an understatement. I
advised that the voice remain where it was whilst I summoned
assistance. At no time did I offer the advice that at that
stage it wasn't help that was required, but a miracle. I returned to my Police vehicle in order to locate my Police
issue Nocturnal Navigation Aid (torch), advise Control of my
actions and request any available backup. I was advised by
Control that a Tactical Weapons And Training team would be with
me within the hour, and I could proceed as I deemed necessary. I returned to the area of investigation, and having made my
presence known, a hand emerged and a voice bade me enter. I thought, having some delicacy for the area that I was
entering, it may be providential to remove my Police issue size
12 boots. I then removed my headgear, so as to avoid any possible damage
and also to pre-empt any smutty remarks about helmets, and
entered. I again called and repeated that I was a police officer and
asked if anyone could hear me. I received a reply that asked me
to locate it. I used my Police issue Nocturnal Navigation Aid
(torch) in an effort to illuminate the immediate area for
further investigation. I eventually saw a male person of stocky build approach me,
asking if I had seen a blue, 38-tonne articulated truck." Here Police Constable 438 Plonker's report became fragmented and
incoherent, and P.C. Plonker himself was found paddling and
babbling in an alarming manner in a neighbour's ornamental fish-
pond. He has not yet made a recovery. P.C. 438 Plonker is now residing in the secure ward of West
Suffolk Hospital, Hardwick Lane, Bury St. Edmunds. If you do
need to interview him at any stage, I ask if you could please
make the necessary appointment(s) through this office. Would you also please contact my secretary in order to effect
an interview at your earliest convenience? Police Constable 438 Plonker's immediate superiors, namely
Detective Constable Annie Sourfaced-Gitt and Detective Sergeant
Fuller Shyte have been placed at your disposal, if you should
need them, for the time you will be working on this case. I wish you the very best of luck in your investigation, and re-
iterate that if you need any further assistance, please don't
hesitate to ask. Yours faithfully