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WARNING: We suspect a CIA tap on these pages. Have your cianide pill ready, just in case they trace you.

On this page: EXCLUSIVE! THE TRUTH BEHIND THE RUSSIAN/BRITISH SPY SAGA!

CONSPIRACY.NET have finally uncovered the shocking truth behind the Russian spy saga, in which ambassadors at the British Embassy have been expelled by the Russian government on charges of spying against Russian. In actual fact, the Russian Foreign Ministry has been aware of the spies for months, and frequently ran into them on account of their apartment, by a freak twist of bad luck, being next door to the Russian Foreign Ministry building. On one occasion, British Secret Agent Aichor Godeye appeared in the ministry's lobby wearing a suspiciously immaculate tuxedo and carrying a harmless-looking suitcase which had been adapted by the Q section of the British Secret Service. Godeye proceeded to ask the Russians for "a bowl of sugar because we've run out back next door".

On a second occasion, Godeye, accompanied by a tall, dark Englishmen who answered to the name of "James" and another man who was jokingly referred to as "old 006 here" invited the Russians round for a game of poker, but only if they brought the Vodka and helped with the nibbles. The incident in question, which finally saw the Russians exercising their power to expel the spies, was when the Russians invited the spies round for the evening "since they'd just got Apollo 13 out on video" and thought they'd make a night of it. The spies apparently angered the Russians by insisting on watching the trailers on the start of the tape, while the Russians wanted to skip straight to the movie.

A small fight then ensued, during which the spy named James seriously injuried one Russian with the laser scalpel hidden in his wristwatch and then seriously enraged another Russian by falling into bed with his wife. The whole matter quickly snowballed as the Russians threatened to expel them from the country. The British merely replied with claims that their nuclear weapons arsenal was better than the Russians', to which they replied "but we have nuclear submarines instead which are dangerous even when we leave them in their bases!" The British then remarked how "at least their economy didn't see massive queues at the supermarket every morning", to which the Russians answered: "Ah, but at least we haven't completely surrendered to American culture and capitalism!" At that point, the British announced the Russians were getting personal, and things got REALLY ugly, until the announcement was made that six British spies were being kicked out of the country. After first being kicked down the steps of the building.

HITLER ALIVE! ELVIS TO TOUR?

1996 has seen a sudden influx in personalities returned from the dead. News has just reached us that Adolf Hitler, one time ruler of Nazi Germany, has signed with an American TV company to appear in his own miniseries in the fall. This has been accompanied by news that Elvis Presly has agreed to do a Come Back World Tour with EMI. Tour venues, as leaked to us by his manager Adam Jagger, are the following:

However, doubt is circulating regarding Elvis' ability to play the gigs, on account of being dead. Jagger shrugged these reports off: "Just stupid rumour mongering. You shouldn't believe everything you read." Jagger is also the man behind John Lennon's forthcoming appearance on the David Letterman show. CONSPIRACY.NET promises that this isn't just another poor Elvis conspiracy. Of course he's alive. Everyone knows that. Don't they? Don't they?! Answer me you devil-worshipping sons of Satan! And me so close...so close to the day of my World Domination.....!!!!!! Moo-hoo-hahahaaa!

(CONSPIRACY.NET apologies whole-hearted for the remainder of that article. The writer has been allowed to clear his desk and slip away quietly. After all, he knows better than to let slip our World Domination plans so early...)


About the creators

JONATHAN YEOMANS was an alien being from the planet Spiridon X. He tried taking up human form on his arrival on Earth but found it far too unsettling. He was eventually executed by the CIA and is now maintained merely as a pseudonym (if that's the right spelling - I haven't got a spellchecker) by a group of internet-connected monks on the top of a mountain in Tibet. He disavows any knowledge of this Michael Allen person since he claims never to have actually met him. Instead, Allen's parts of the website just seem to write themselves over night. Yeomans gets by simply by denouncing the other's existence. Meanwhile, his spiritual contemplation is going well, and eventually he may crack the problem of his compulsive lying.

MICHAEL ALLEN is a farmer from Iowa. In her spare time she maintains her position as Chairman of the British Horse Society via long-distance, and also has a very active spare time occupied with fighting Darth Vader's Evil Galactic Empire as a gambler named Claus K'Tan. Her horticultural studies are going very well, and she is a very confident young woman despite being charged with murder.




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© Jonathan Yeomans and Michael Allen 1996