Losman's Guide to Video Rental and Horror Cliché's
Howdy all!
I the Losman love to watch movies, of all types and genres. Yet I
espicially love to watch horror movies. Cheesy horror movies have
a special place as I have seen enough to fill a big book. So I
have set aside this page to help when you are trying to decide on
what to spend. Now I realize there are over 1200 horror movies on
the shelf and a large number are not worth your money. So read away
and send me your comments on anything you notice. Most of all rent
on, thats what videos are for.
losman@express-news.net
Send any mail this way!
- When You're At The Video Store
- When You Watch The Videos
- Horror Movie Clichés
When You Arrive At The Video Store
- Avoid any movie that has a 2, 3, or any other sign of a sequel, they
almost always suck! This also applies to Son of, Daughter of....
- If you see "From the maker of...", it is usually not as good as "...".
- Avoid any movie adapted from any writer you never heard of.
- If the movie has a warning about shocking scenes, they usually are not.
- If Jamie Lee Curtis is on the cover, RENT IT! She usually takes her top off.
- Most Edgar Allen Poe, HP Lovecraft, Stephen King, Dean R Koontz and VC Andrews
novels translate horribly on film.
- Most slasher fliks are in some way ripping off Friday the 13th, Halloween,
A Nightmare on Elm Street or Psycho.
- Most holidays have been turned into horror movies.
- If Tim Thomerson or any sort of evil looking doll is on the cover,
It is a Full Moon production, avoid it as they seem to always suck!
- If the villian is on the cover it usually kills the plot.
BE WARNED! Renting from Blockbuster may be hazardous to your
viewing enjoyment as they tend to carry hundreds of copies of crap and
very little of the great classic horror and more disturbing films.
If you want people to stop annoying you on what is good to watch, recommend
Eraserhead, I can guarantee you they will never ask you again.
When Watching The Movie
- Never eat any meal that may come up at the first sight of blood.
- Never yell at the TV screen, they can't hear you.
- If you turn off the lights someone will always turn them on at the good part.
- Phone rings are always scarier during Brian DePalma movies.
- Ladies are never turned on by gore, naked women or grotesque monsters.
- Always rewind the tape when you put it in, 9 time outta 10 some schmuck
stopped the tape at the credits or at the climax.
- The previews are always better then the movie.
- If the previews include obscure, unknown films, the film will suck.
- Turn off the close captioning, it spoils most movies.
- Music videos do not belong on horror movies.
If you find any movie that has an unrated (NR) and R version, avoid the
R rated one like the plague. They usually cut all the cool scenes out
to comply to those morals clauses. :^(
Horror Movie Clichés
Summer Camps
- Avoid any camp named Crystal Lake or Sleepaway.
- If you are a counselor, avoid picking on shy kids, they do get revenge.
- If you are a campee, befriend the shy loner types, they need the companionship.
- Overly friendly counselors may be recent asylum escapees.
- Make sure they put away all knives, arrows and other potential weapons.
- If you have sex in the woods, you will die in the woods.
- Campfire legends always come back to haunt you.
- If you encounter any figure wearing a hockey mask, you're a goner!
- Don't go scurrying in the counselors cabin, you may discover a secret hobby.
- If you happen to survive the carnage, don't appear in a sequel, you will be
offed in the first few minutes.
Colleges
- Most of the students are always way too stupid to be in college.
- The big time jocks are always the first to go, so brawn does not matter.
- If you are a blonde with big breasts, don't get naked or you're a goner.
- Never go exploring in that creepy deserted building.
- Avoid any college with asylums or prisons near by.
- Stick with the brainy wallflower, she usually ends up surviving.
- Never take a shower if you have seen dead bodies, even if you are covered
in blood.
- If there is a medical school nearby, avoid the morgue.
- If you are in a Frat or Sorority, beware of any recently rejected
pledges, espicially if they were released from a nearby asylum.
- Having sex or necking in the dorm is a sure fire way to die.
- Never stay in the dorms during extended holidays.
If You Are The Murdering Killer Type
- You can only do your killing on a holiday.
- Guns are never to be used, so go raid a hardware store or local barn.
- If you are disfigured or have a limp, even better!
- When chasing women through the woods, soon enough they will trip and fall.
- If you are an only child, you won't be if there is a sequel.
- Always use a mask, even if Halloween is months away.
- Always avoid bitter, disgruntled cops that put you away once before.
- Don't worry about getting killed by the guys, you will always win.
- Remember to cut all phone lines and other forms of reaching help.
- If you are a woman, you will die at the end. No female-killer ever seems to live.
- Keep in mind that you are most likely invincible but try not to
talk, if you do then you must always crack jokes.
Government
- If you happen to wander onto any abandoned facilities, do so at your risk.
- Any container or package put away by the Army is almost always harmful.
- If you happen to see any men wearing white environment suits, PRAY!
- If you happen to meet any men wearing dark suits and dark glasses at
night, they are probably not part of any government agency on Earth.
- Any virus or biological agent released has no known cure.
- If you see any large unmarked vehicles in a convoy, get out of town!
- If you are being attacked by zombies, the government will nuke you.
- Government issued containers or items will break down or fail.
- If you live near a lake, it will get contaminated.
- Remember they will deny everything! Take a hint from Agent Fox Mulder
and Trust No One!
Zombies
- If you ever see anyone walking that you know is dead, they are a ZOMBIE!
- If you ever get bitten by a zombie, you will soon become one.
- Remember that a well placed gunshot in the head usually does the trick.
- Zombies love brains.
- Never walk in a stagger or you might be mistaken for a zombie and get shot.
- If a loved one is killed by a zombie, burn them quickly.
- Never try to outrun a zombie, they somehow always manage to catch you.
- If they are Redneck Zombies, give them some moonshine.
- Never piss off a Haitian Medicine man or you will become a zombie.
- Never use fire to ward off zombies as it will usually burn out.
Demonic Stuff
- Never read anything called The Book of the Dead, The Necronomicon, The
Satanic Bible or play with weird puzzle boxes, Quija boards or an other
device that summons the dead or evil. They tend to be both!
- Never name your child Damien.
- If your child spits up green vomit and has a head spinning complex, call
an exorcist.
- Never promise your first born to any weird group, they will come to pick
it up.
- If you happen to wander upon a gathering of robed people with pentagrams
on the floor, walk away as fast as you can.
- Never give your blood or volunteer to give any bodily fluid.
- Demons seem to be impervious to bullets, unless your name is Ash.
- Summoning spirits during a seance usually brings really cranky, angry ghosts.
- Evil looking fluids buried under churches should stay there.
- Never sign a deal with the devil, he is worse then any record club about collection.
Bimbos, Babes and Sluts!
- If a Playboy or Penthouse centerfold model appears, more then likely she is the villain
and a vampire.
- The most stuck up and bitchy cheerleader gets it first. But first she must get naked.
- When you confront a potential intruder, a fireplace poker is usually
not going to stop a Jason or Freddy type killer.
- If you are plain a Jane or just plain ugly, you are not usually
important to the plot.
- Babes are never meant to survive, unless they are being saved to
become the killers woman.
- Bimbos are more likely to enter a creepy looking building or suggest
that a well armed group break up.
- Woman should never get naked or go skinny dipping, it usually draws
the killer to you.
- The likelihood of a bimbo becoming a hero is in direct relation to
the release of Aliens. Before not likely, after hell yah!
- When showing a Women in Prison movie, they are must be dressed in the
latest from Frederick’s and Victoria's Kinky Secret.
- If the babe is meant to be the hero from the start, its because she
is related to the killer. That's a hard fast definite.
- When a babe gets killed, somehow she has to get topless so you can look at her breasts before she dies.
Alien Menace
- If you happen to get a strange message and decipher it, beware of eminent Invasion.
- If you happen to find a derelict ship of unknown origin, send in robots.
- Never get close to anything that resembles an egg, hive or pod.
- If your friend behaves rather strangely, they may be under alien influence.
- Never try to get in contact with a hostile entity, whatever higher intelligence they possess, they ain’t telling you!
- Alien machines can lay dormant for thousands of years.
- Flying saucers can outrun anything built by man.
- Make sure when you abandon ship that the escape craft only contains those you wish to save.
- If you happen to have nuclear or fusion weapons at hand. USE THEM!
- Never trust a company spokesman, they usually want to screw you in exchange for the xenomorph.
**THE LOSMAN'S OTHER PAGES**
*
Really Disturbing Movies
*
More Disturbing Movies
*
Lair of The Losman
*
*
Really Bad Horror Movies
*
Movie Index*
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Page created by: losman@express-news.net
Changes last made on: Sun Sep 8 1996