Due to budget cuts this year,
the light at the end of the
tunnel will be turned off.
"Activity is contagious."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
One of the pleasues of age is looking
back at the ones you didn't marry.
A successful executive is one who can delegate all the
responsibility, shift all the blame, and appropriate
all the credit.
One of the tragedies of life is the
murder of a beautiful theory by a
brutal gang of facts.
The chicken probably came before the egg
because it's hard to imagine God wanting
to sit on an egg.
Living with a saint is more grueling than being one.
"Maybe money won't go as far today,
but it sure goes faster."
- Yeck Brothers
Is there anything more embarrassing than watching
your boss do something you said couldn't be done?
Everytime you put your best foot forward,
somebody stomps on it!
Engineer's Dictionary:
Customer satisfaction is believed assured (We are so far
behind schedule they are happy to get anything)
The mark of a true M.B.A. is that he is often wrong
but seldom in doubt.
A road map tells you everything
except how to refold it.
There is a difference between an open mind
and a hole in the head.
One of the advantages of a clean life
is that you can distinguish between flu
and a hangover.
Some people are so persistent,
they'd have the last word with an echo.
"It is far more impressive when others discover your
good qualities without your help."
- Judith Martin
The best scientific theory is that the rings
of Saturn are composed entirely of lost
airline luggage.
Ever wonder if taxation without
representation might have been cheaper?
"Bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not
fair that some men should be happier than others."
- Oscar Wilde
"I think the world is run by C students."
- Al McGuire
Do it tomorrow - you've made enough mistakes today.
The way some people find fault,
you'd think there was a reward.
Insure a better tomorrow - procastinate.
Experience is what you get when you didn't
get what you wanted.
One way to end wars is to make the universal
minimum draft age sixty.
We all know what a warranty means -
that whatever happens isn't covered.
"Whoever said money can't buy happiness
didn't know where to shop."
- Unknown
"Never get into fights with ugly people because
they have nothing to lose."
Some people think they are generous
because they give away free advice.
Taxes could be worse - suppose we
had to pay on what we think we're worth.
Some books are not to be tossed aside lightly.
They should be thrown with emphatic force.
"When you go into court you are putting your fate into
the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to
get out of jury duty."                        - Norm Crosby
"The future is much like the present, only longer."
- Don Quisenberry
"We must believe in luck.  For how
else can we explain the success
of those we don't like?"                     - Jean Cocteau
A Go-Getter is someone who gets in
behind you in a revolving door and
comes out ahead of you.
"Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value
of nothing."
"Expand your mind, bring it to work with you tomorrow."
We the willing, led by the unknowing, are
doing the impossible, for the ungrateful.
Before you complain, remember: you were never promised a
rose garden.  On the other hand, with the amount of
fertilizer they dump on us, anything is possible.
"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come."
- Philander Johnson
"Half the world is composed of people who have something
to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to
say, and keep on saying it."                 - Robert Frost
Good luck is a lazy man's estimate of a worker's success.
"Some people have such open minds that nothing stays in
them long."
- J. Tudor Rees
"Being optimistic after you've got everything you want
don't count."
- FranK McKinney Hubbar
Never finish anything you haven't started.
"It seldom pays to be rude.  It never pays to be only half
rude."
- Norman Douglas
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought
to know because I've done it a thousand times."
- Mark Twain
Absence makes the heart grow fonder - of somebody else.
"Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but
dreadfully uneasy to take."
- Josh Billings
Free advice is the kind that costs you nothing unless you
act upon it.
"Ours seems to be the only nation on earth that asks its
teen-agers what to do about world affairs, and tells its
golden-agers to go out and play."            - Julian Gerow
"Not many Americans have been around the world but their
money sure has."
- Walter Slezak
"Running into debt isn't so bad.  It's running into
creditors that hurts."
- Jacob M. Braude
Money may not buy friends, but it certainly gives you a
better class of enemies.
"You know you're getting older when the candles cost more
than the cake."
- Bob Hope
You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.
"I eat merely to put food out of my mind."
- N. F. Simpson
Just think how happy you'd be if you lost everything you
have right now - and then got it back again.
"If we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we
shall find we have lost the future."
- Winston Churchill
Optimism: a cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea kettle
to sing though in hot water up to its nose.
"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."
A preposition is a very bad word to end a sentence with.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes
longer."
- Robert Quillen
The trouble with most of us is that when were old enough to
know better, we're too old to want to.
"Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to
your door.  Build a better door and the mice can't get in
anyhow."                                       - Cal Tinney
"Most people spend their lives going to bed when they're
not sleepy and getting up when they are!"
- Cindy Adams
Dignity is the capacity to hold back on the tongue what
never should have been in the mind in the first place.
Never miss an opportunity to make others happy even if you
have to leave them alone to do it.
"My father taught me to work; but he did not teach me to
love it."
- Abraham Lincoln
A monologue is a conversation between a realtor and a
prospect.
"You won't skid if you stay in a rut."
- Frank McKinney Hubbard
"The difference between a political campaign speech and an
appearance is twenty minutes."
- Adlai Stevenson
A man achieves according to what he believes.
Nowadays there are three classes: the haves, the have-nots,
and the charge-its.
A miser might be pretty tough to live with, but he's a nice
ancester.
Give a politician a free hand, and he'll put it in your
pocket.
"Boy, those French, they have a word for everything."
- Steve Martin
A man is getting old when the gleam in his eye is merely the
sun reflected in his glasses.
It isn't what teenagers know that worries parents; it's how
they found it out.
A fisherman will often spend hours on a lake doing nothing
because his wife won't let him do it at home.
"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in
nature has a purpose."
- Garrison Keillor
When you know nothing but good about a person, it's more fun
to talk about someone else.
A radical is a man with both feet firmly planted in the air.
The modern idea of "roughing it" is driving without power
steering or having a black and white TV set.
Cleverness is serviceable for
everything, sufficient for nothing.
You can always tell a well informed man -
his views are the same as yours.
Two problems face the people of every big city--where to
park and where to jump.
A pessimist is an optimist who thought he could buy
something for a dollar.
Fairway - The well-kept and seldom used portion
of a golf course.
Insomnia - What a person has when he lies awake
all night for an hour.
Psychiatrist - A fellow who makes you squeal on yourself.
It's a shame that when success turns a person's head it
does not also wring his neck just a little.
Mankind profits from its past, but not from its
past mistakes.
"Before our highways became chocked with motor vehicles,
it was good to be alive; today it is a surprise."
There's nothing so permanent as a temporary tax.
It's nice for children to have pets - until the pets start
having children.
A picture used to be worth a thousand words - then
came television.
A do-it-yourselfer starts by making things, and ends by
making repairs.
Two things are essential for a happy retirement: much to
live on, and much to live for.
Salary is the amount of money you are underpaid.
Egotism is the ability to see things in yourself that others
cannot see.
"It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio.  When you entered
there was a big sign and it said, 'Welcome to Ferguson.
Beware of the Dog.'"                        - Jackie Vernon
It's good to smile when everything goes wrong, but it's
better to stop smiling and do something about it.
Tact is the art of thinking twice before saying nothing.
Why is it that the wrong number on a telephone is never
busy?
Tomorrow is two days late for yesterday's job.
Nowadays civilization is not at the crossroads, it's at the
cloverleaf.
Cocktail lounges are usually half lit to match the patrons.
"No matter how cynical you get,
it's impossible to keep up."
- Lily Tomlin
The best part of living in the country is the people you
don't meet.
The pessimist can't enjoy his health today because he may be
sick tomorrow.
During the rush hour the motorist has a choice of hitting
the car ahead or being hit by the car behind.
A small town is a place where you chat for a while on the
phone even when you get the wrong number.
An economist is a person who knows exactly what is going to
happen, except he is not quite sure.
"Bat Day seems like a good idea, but I question the
advisability of giving bats in the bronx to 40,000
Yankee fans."                                - Aaron Bacall
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots
wore helmets."
- Dave Edison
Philosopher - a person who makes ignorance sound profound.
"Sponges grow in the ocean.  I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen."
- Steven Wright
The good old days were those when Uncle Sam lived
within his income, and without ours.
"'Be yourself' is about the worst advice you
can give to some people."
- Tom Masson
"Gambling is a way of getting nothing for something."
- Wilson Mizner
Those people proud of a neat room
will never know the thrill of finding something
they thought was irretrievably lost.
The last word in an argument is what a wife says.
Anything a husband says after that, is the beginning
of another argument.
Happiness begins with facing life
with a smile and a wink.
A swap is a trade between two people
who think they skinned each other.
"Money can be lost in more ways than won."
Some people don't hestitate to speak their
mind because they have nothing to lose.
We can do the impossible today.
The obvious could elude us forever.
It is better to try something great and
fail; than to try nothing and succeed.
Patience - The ability to count down before blasting off.
"If you tell the truth you don't
have to remember anything."
Which way did they go?  How many of them were there?
How fast were they going?  I must find them!
I am their leader.
It's not possible to make anything foolproof,
because fools are so ingenious.
An idea is a curious thing -
it will not work unless you do.
If you're stopped by the police, shut off
your engine and put your mouth in neutral.
"Give thanks for inflation, without it you
couldn't afford today's prices."
Tact is the art of making guests
feel at home when that's where you
wish they were.
Start a new diet - no more eating your own words,
swallowing your pride or putting your foot in your mouth.
Victory goes to the player who makes
the next-to-last mistake.
Some men are so handy around the house
they are able to fix the same thing
over and over again.
"It wasn't exactly a divorce - I was traded."
- Tim Conway
Now about that adage - "If you have to ask, you can't
afford it" - who ever expected it to apply to a postage
stamp?
"A productive drunk is the bane of moralists."
The only thing wrong with doing nothing
is that you will never know when you're finished.
"The only sure thing about luck is that it will change."
-Wilson Mizner
Have a happy day - what else can you get for nothing.
Always watch your step -
even when you're not going anywhere.
Two can live as cheaply as one,
but for only half as long.
"I have enough money to last me the rest
of my life, unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
"If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel
you are looking the wrong way."
- Barry Commoner
History keeps repeating itself because
we weren't listening the first time.
"A critic is a man who knows the
way but can't drive the car."
- Kenneth Tynan
Practice makes perfect except when it
comes to getting up in the morning.
"A statesman is a politician who has
been dead ten or fifteen years."
- Harry S. Truman
An expert is one who ignores the small
errors as he sweeps on to the final mistake.
"If all else fails, appoint a committee."
"When your IQ rises to 28, sell."
- Professor Irwin Corey
The optimist invented the airplane
and the pessimist the parachute.
"I know only two tunes; one of them is 'Yankee Doodle,'
and the other isn't."
- Ulysses S. Grant
Do something - either lead, follow
or get out of the way.
Learn from the mistakes of others -
you can never live long enough to
make them all yourself.
An optimist goes to the window every morning and says,
good morning, God.  The pessimist goes to the window
and says, good God, morning!
"I often quote myself.  It adds spice to my conversation."
- George Bernard Shaw
If someone offers you the world on a silver
platter - take the platter.
"At a certain age some people's minds close up; they live
on their intellectual fat."
- William Lyon Phelps
"I don't like money actually, but it quiets my nerves."
- Joe Louis
It's said that lightning never stikes twice in
the same place - unless of course, you let your
insurance lapse.
"Patience is sometimes a case of not knowing what to do."
- Herbert V. Prochnow
"Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry."
- George Ade
Tourist - A person who travels a thousand miles to get a
snapshot of himself standing beside his car.
"It isn't whether you win or lose
it's how much."
"Zoo: a place devised for animals to study the habits of
human beings."
- Oliver Herford
The trouble with inferiority complexes is that right
people don't have them.
"The easiest way to escape being hated is to mind your own
business and refrain from giving good advice."
- W. Burton Baldry
Never try to teach a pig to sing,
it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
"Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people
wanting to be important."
- T. S. Eliot
You can learn many things from your children - for example,
how much patience you have.
A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
"Pessimism, when you get used to it, is just as agreeable
as optimism."
- Arnold Bennett
Even when a marriage is made in heaven,
the maintenance work has to be done
here on earth.
"I look so young, I think I'm getting acne."
- Alice K. Dormann
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
- Ingrid Bergman
Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.
"We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the
curb and clap as they go by."
- Will Rogers
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the
person who argues with him.
Gossip - The art of saying nothing in a way
that leaves nothing unsaid.
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given
birth."
- Erma Bombeck
"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."
- Fran Lebowitz
No matter how much you nurse a grudge, it won't get better.
Nothing is free.  Even age.  Age is the fee God charges for
life.
"A foundation is a large body of money completely
surrounded by people who want some."
- Dwight MacDonald
Patience may be simply the inability to make a decision.
"Very often the quiet fellow has said all he knows."
"Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement
unless it was to avoid responsibility?"
- Ogden Nash
No speech can be entirely bad if it is short.
"A sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener
with constant use."
- Washington Irving
An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make
the money you did.
The most positive way to progress to the top is to start at
the bottom and never stop.
"Politicians are the same the world over: they promise to
build a bridge even where there is no river."
- Nikita Khrushchev
"It is the trade of lawyers to question everything, yield
nothing, and to talk by the hour."
- Thomas Jefferson
You have to be grown up to realize that you are only young
once-upon a time.
Things balance out: your neighbors' troubles are not as bad
as yours, but their children are worse.
Life is a battle of wits, and many people have to fight it
unarmed.
The best thing a jaywalker can hope for is to be injured
only slightly.
"The key to flexibility is indecision."
If you want to live to see 90, don't look for it on the
speedometer.
"An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking
for a way to get out."
- George Jean Nathan
A Sunday driver is one who speeds up so he can get by you
and slow down.
A reckless driver is a person who passes you on the highway
in spite of all you can do.
A cloverleaf intersection is an ingenious road-building
device which enables a driver to get on four wrong roads in
the time it used to take him to get on one.
The fellow who is always happy is probably to lazy to
complain.
Happiness for Toddlers - Three friends in a sandbox.
Practical Nurse - One who falls in love with
a rich patient.
Traffic Light - A trick to get pedestrians halfway
across the street.
Every business has a silent partner nowadays -
the government.
"No man is rich enough to buy back his past."
The time when patience is most needed is when it is
exhausted.
God help the man who won't marry until he finds the
perfect woman, and God help the woman if he finds her!
Even when a pessimist gets the best of it, he makes
the worst of it.
"I think my mistake was yelling 'Hi' to the eyewitnesses as
they filed into court."
- Phil Interlandi
There's no time like the present for putting off things.
Where there's a won't, there's a way.
Results are what you expect, and consequences
are what you get.
If you want to get somewhere, you must let yourself go.
Another optimist is the man who double-parks while his wife
is shopping.
It's the little things that bother us: we can dodge an
elephant but not a fly.
History wouldn't repeat itself so often if statesmen would
only listen.
A tactful person never opens their mouth wide enough to put
their foot in it.
"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog."
- Wendy Liebman
Why is it that the movie you are seeing is never as good
as the one coming to the theater next week?
Mountain climbers always rope themselves together, probably
to prevent the sensible ones from going home.
When we are suffering from a cold, it is surprising how much
good advice we can get along without.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
situation.
It costs more to amuse a child nowadays than it once did to
educate his father.
A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a
one way street.
A small town is the only place that takes pride in its
traffic congestion.
"How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are
suicides?"
- Dennis Miller
The only way to tie down a teenager is with a telephone
cord.
"I can't cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer."
- Carol Siskind
When eating sandwiches on a picnic, remember that the
seeds in raspberry jam never wiggle.
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?"
- John Mendoza
Watch out for those who fall at your feet:
they may be reaching for the edge of the
rug on which you're standing.
The man who says he understands women
probably lies about other things to.
"A committee is a small group of the unqualified
appointed by the unthinking to undertake the
utterly unnecessary."                          - Jim Jordan
"When you go to a mind reader,
do you get half price?"
- Ben Creed
"Progress begins with the belief
that what is necessary is possible."
- Norman Cousins
Why is it that kids can tolerate the cold for three
hours while sliding, but only three minutes when shoveling.
Flattery is the art of telling another person
exactly what they think of themself.
A man can usually tell what kind of time
he's having at a party by the look on
his wifes face.
"Fools rush in and get the best seats."
As you travel through life, leave your mark,
not a stain.
The best way to appreciate your job is
to imagine yourself without one.
"Let us be thankful for fools; but for them the rest of us
could not succeed."
Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.
What this country needs is a set of
brakes that will stop the car behind us.
"A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom."
- Robert Frost
The cheaper the politician, the more he costs the country.
Major technological break-through
(Back to the drawing board)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned
(The only guy who understood the thing, quit)
If people listen to themselves more often,
they would talk less.
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.
An optimist is the guy who can always see the
bright side of other peoples problems.
"Anything worth doing is worth doing for money."
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs
come when they're called.  Cats take a message and
get back to you.
Man is the only species who plants a crop
he can't eat but still has to mow every week.
Management is the art of getting other
people to do all the work.
Even if you're on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
"Having children is like having a bowling alley
installed in your brain."
- Martin Mull
Some of the things that seem too good to be true, aren't.
It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.
"In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular."
- Kathleen Norris
The man who knows "how" will always have a job.
The man who knows "why" will always be his boss.
The only people who have to wait
are the ones that are on time.
"Never face facts; if you do you'll never
get up in the morning."
- Marlo Thomas
Remember, you pass this way but once -
unless your spouse is reading the road map.
To avoid that run down feeling -
cross the streets carefully.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and
all I've lost is two weeks."
- Totie Fields
If the knocking at the door is unusually long and loud,
it isn't opportunity - it's  relatives.
Why is it that a minute contains sixty seconds
except when it's preceded by "Just a"?
"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal."
"Cleaning your house while your kids are
still growing is like shoveling the walk
before it stops snowing."                  - Phyllis Diller
"I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
A synonym is the word you use when you
can't spell the other one.
"If it weren't for the last
minute, nothing would get done."
If the right side of the brain controls the left side
of the body, then only left-handed people are in their
right minds.
Lately, there has been alarming increase in the
number of things I know nothing about.
The hardest part of learning something
new is unlearning the old.
"Some people think of the cup as half empty, some think
of it as half full, I like to think of the cup as too big."
- George Carlin
Trying to solve the country's problems with Congressional
debate is like trying to untangle a traffic jam by
honking your horn.
"High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed
on the forehead."
- Christopher Morley
"His money is twice tainted: 'tain't yours and 'tain't
mine."
The best argument for everlasting peace is that it
would enable us to pay for past wars.
"Th' past always looks better thin it was.  It's only
pleasant because it isn't here."
- Finley Peter Dunne
There is no such thing as a cheap politician.
"Don't despise your poor relations; they may become suddenly
rich someday, and then it will be awkward to explain things
to them."                                   - Josh Billings
"I believe in the discipline of silence and could talk for
hours about it."
A child's idea of peace on earth is to beat a drum and
blow a horn.
"Assuredly nobody will care for him who cares for nobody."
"A wise man puts aside 10 percent of the money he gets - and
90 percent of the free advice."
- Harry Karns
Real friends are those who, when you've made a fool of
yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.
"The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost.
They are added to the ages of other women."
- Diane de Poitiers
"I just noticed that more twins are being born these days.
Maybe it's because kids lack the courage to come into this
world alone."                                  - Stan Burns
Many a man is willing to do an honest day's work, but
only if he can get a week's pay for it.
"Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when
they ought to, but really can't."
- Frank Richardson
A man is as young as he feels after playing with
children.
"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what
you get.
I don't like money.  I don't like aspirin.  But, it seems, I
always need both, sometimes for the same reason.
W.C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a
Bible on his deathbed.  "I'm looking for a loophole," he
explained.                                    - W. C. Fields
When you stop to think, don't forget to start again.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts the moment you
get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to
the office."                                 - Robert Frost
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
Money is not the root of all evil--no money is.
Money may not be everything, but it is
a great consolation until you have everything.
"Some are wise, but most are other wise."
"Money is always there, but the pockets change."
- Gertrude Stein
Good coffee keeps more people awake than a bad conscience.
"Philanthropist: a rich (and usually bald) old gentleman
who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is
picking his pocket."                       - Ambrose Bierce
"The measure of success is not whether you have a tough
problem to deal with, but whether it's the same problem you
had last year."                        - John Foster Dulles
Family is a balance sheet: parents make allowances for
children, and children make deductions for parents.
"The child had every toy his father wanted."
- Robert E. Whitten
The best thing to do when the brakes on your car fail is to
run into something cheap.
One way to give a man a chance to rise in the world is to
knock him down.
"Two heads are thicker than one."
Criticism wouldn't be so hard to take if it weren't so
often right.
A successful politician is one who knows how to get into the
public eye without irritating it.
All the world's a stage, and most of us need more
rehearsals.
"When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent
importance, his colleagues generally present him with a
clock."                            - Robert Cedric Sherriff
In ancient times when meat was burnt outdoors it was a
sacrifice; nowadays it is a cookout.
An election is an important democratic process by which you
are given a choice to decide who will spend your money.
"I just got out of the hospital.  I was in a speed-reading
accident.  I hit a bookmark."
Some people not only believe everything they hear, but they
also repeat it.
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped."
- Elbert Hubbard
Briefest moment: The time between reading the sign on the
expressway and realizing you missed the exit ramp.
Many freeways have three lanes: a left lane, a right lane,
and the one your trapped in when you see your exit.
A bargain is something you can't use at a price you cannot
resist.
Fisherman - A guy who thinks a fish should bite on a fancy
lure just because he did.
Happiness - Watching a snowplow completely cover
a police car.
"To force myself to earn more money, I determined to spend
more."
- James Agate
The windshield wiper was invented to give the police
a handy place to put parking tickets.
Whatever else it fails to pass, Congress always
passes the buck.
A diamond is a piece of coal that stuck with the job.
The man who has everything probably needs one more thing:
help with his payments.
"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it."
- Dali
A pessimist is seldom as tired of the world as the
world is of him.
"I'm really not loafing, I just work
so fast I'm always done."
The best thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
"If you stick to any opinion long enough, it becomes
respectable."
- Bertrand Russell
"Public credit means the contracting of debts which a nation
can never pay."
- William Cobbett
The person who never stubs their toe is probably standing
still.
The reason why self-discipline is hard to learn is that you
need self-discipline to learn it.
Home - a tax shelter.
The road to success is always under construction.
The government should be glad the taxpayers have what it
takes.
"Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody."
Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.
My minds made up--don't confuse me with the facts.
Time is money, especially when you're having the time of
your life.
Another sign of middle age is when you want to see how long
your car will last instead of how fast it will go.
"You think New York is bad? You ought to go to Detroit. You
can go ten blocks and never leave the scene of the crime."
- Red Skelton
A small town is a place where nothing happens every minute.
"If it wasn't for half the people in the world, the other
half would be all of them."
- Colonel Lemuel Stoopnagle
Too many folks go through life running
from something that isn't after them.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
"If your parents didn't have any children, there is a good
chance that you won't have any."
- Clarence Day
"If God had wanted everything done today,
he wouldn't have invented tommorrow."
"I got a job--looking for one.  I been out of work so long I
forgot what kind of work I'm out of."
- Robin Harris
A parking place is a space that suddenly
disappears while you are making a U-turn.
"I tried Flintstones vitamins.  I didn't feel any better
but I could stop the car with my feet."
- Joan St. Onge
"I read my horoscope.  The first line said
'Ignore bad advice.'  Fine.  I stopped reading
my horoscope."                                - Dan Spencer
An optimist is a fellow who believes whatever
happens, no matter how bad, it is for the best.
The pessimist is the fellow to whom it happens.
People are certainly peculiar - they want the front
of the bus, the back of the church and the middle
of the road.
An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.
It's difficult to soar with eagles
when you work with turkeys.
"He who hesitates is last."
Some of us used to dream of the day we might
be earning the salary we're struggling on now.
Teenager - A person who reaches for a chair when
answering the phone.
"Pollution is so bad that when I put air in my tires two of
them died."
- Lee Tully
Rule of failure: If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.
Whatever it is that somebody did
that you didn't want done, I didn't do it.
Test results were extremely gratifying
(It works, and boy are we surprised)
The first screw to get loose in your head
is the one that holds your tongue in place.
God made man at the end of the week, when he was tired.
"Never raise your hand to your children -
it leaves your midsection unprotected."
- Robert Orben
The simplest toy that even the youngest
child can operate is called a grandparent.
Think no evil, see no evil, hear no evil -
and you will never write a best selling novel.
If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
A nickel goes a long way now.  You can
carry it around for days without finding
a thing it will buy.
"A man in love is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"She cried, and the judge wiped her
tears with my checkbook."
- Tommy Manville
Toys are so sophisticated these days
that they can play with each other.
"I'm not a real movie star - I've still got the
same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."
Those who think they know it all are
very annoying to those who do.
To err is human, but when you wear out the
eraser before the pencil, you're overdoing it.
Prosperity is what you feel, fold and send
to the IRS.
A person's age can be measured by the degree
of pain one feels as one comes in contact with
a new idea.
If you think you know the value of money,
go try to borrow some.
Man: a creature who buys football tickets three
months in advance and waits until Christmas Eve
to do his gift shopping.
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet."
For fixing things around the house nothing
beats a man who's handy with a checkbook.
Behind every successful man is a surprised father-in-law.
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like having you here.
A born loser is the window washer
who steps back to admire his own work.
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
"Never keep up with the Joneses.
Drag them down to your level."
- Quentin Crisp
Some people get so narrow-minded they
have to stack their ideas vertically.
Cheer up - things are darkest just
before they turn completely black.
"The meek shall inherit the earth minus,
of course, 80% inheritance taxes."
Housework is what a woman does that nobody knows
she did, unless she doesn't do it.
I try to take just one day at a time, but lately
several days have attacked me at once.
"With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law,
and every time they make a law it's a joke."
"Insomnia: a contagious disease often transmitted from
babies to parents."
- Shannon Fife
The five B's of middle Age - baldness, bridgework, bifocals,
bay windows and bunions.
Money doesn't always bring happiness.  A man with ten
million dollars is no happier than a man with nine million
dollars.
"Of all men, Adam was the happiest; he had no
Mother-in-law."
- Paul Parfait
"An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will
stay bought."
- Simon Cameron
A penny saved is a penny earned - and taxed.
"One of the finest accomplishments is making a long story
short."
Success is just a matter of luck -
just ask any failure.
"A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he
can afford to let alone."
- Henry D. Thoreau
"A man's acts are usually right, but his reasons seldom
are."
To the surgeon who collects the bill in advance, every
operation is a success.
The pay-as-you-go is a misnomer - after you pay, where
can you go?
"The maturity of man - that means, to have reacquired the
seriousness that one had as a child at play."
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
"Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument an
exchange of ignorance."
It takes longer for a person to get over an illness if
compensation sets in.
"There are two kinds of people in one's life - people whom
one keeps waiting - and the people for whom one waits..."
- S. N. Behrman
"Behold the turtle.  He makes progress only when he sticks
his neck out."
- James Bryant Conant
Now that we travel miles up in the air we know that there
are no silver linings on the other side of the clouds
either.
"A leader is a dealer in hope."
- Napoleon Bonaparte
"The man with the best job in the country is the vice-
president.  All he has to do is get up every morning and
say, 'How is the president?'"                 - Will Rogers
Life is 10 percent what you make of it, and 90 percent how
you take it.
Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
"Age does not matter if the matter does not age."
- Carlos Pena Romulo
"If yor eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take
the spoon out of the cup."
- Norm Crosby
"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake
twice."
- Ed Wynn
If Paul Revere had been a poor rider, Americans would all be
talking with a British accent.
"What's right is what's left if you do everything else
wrong."
- Robin Williams
A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever
they go.
"To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that
way yourself once in a while."
The problem of the middle class is trying to save while
spending as much as the rich do.
"Men tire themselves in pursuit of rest."
- Laurence Sterne
Snoring is sleeping out loud.
Sweets to the sweet have made much business for dentists.
"I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35-mile zone, but I
told 'em I had dyslexia."
- Steve McFarlin
Never follow the crowd if you want the crowd to follow you.
No one ever won an argument that lost a friend.
"Preamble: Warm-up before a walk."
- Ray Hand
"Positive anything is better than negative nothing."
"The meek shall inherit the earth.
They won't have the nerve to refuse it."
- Jackie Vernon
Some people wake up and find themselves famous; others wake
up and find themselves late.
Another disadvantage of going to college is that it slows up
your education for four years.
There are three kinds of memory: good, bad, and convenient.
"Thanks for playin'."
- Joe Holland
A wonder drug is a medicine that makes you wonder whether
you can afford to get sick these days.
We always hate to trade in an old car and put so many garage
repairmen out of work.
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."
- Thomas Jones
Government Bureau - Where the taxpayer's shirt is kept.
"Help people in trouble and they'll always remember
you whenever they're in trouble again."
You cannot live on borrowed time, except when it's left
on a parking meter.
Too many young people who have passed their driving tests
think they can pass anything.
"Age is like love, it cannot be hid."
- Thomas Dekker
A penny saved is a penny earned - so what?
Personality is the name we give to our little collection
of peculiar habits.
If you look like your passport photograph, you need
the trip.
"The man is richest whose pleasures are the cheapest."
- Thoreau
At twenty you blush when a man praises you; at thirty you
think him clever; at forty you wonder what he wants.
"There is no mistake so great as that of being always
right."
- Samuel Butler
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday."
- Don Marquis
Fore - golfings equivalent of the air raid siren
(fall flat, face down, cover back of neck with hands).
"Beware of the young doctor and the old barber."
- Benjamin Franklin
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; snore, and you sleep
alone.
Money isn't everything, but it's the best substitute for
credit.
"Youth today must be strong, unafraid and a better taxpayer
than its father."
- Harry V. Wade
Life is a test that has more questions than there are
answers.
Those who look for trouble never have much trouble finding
it.
A book becomes a classic when people who haven't read it
begin to say they have.
Do the employees at a tea factory get a coffee break?
Don't complain about the traffic: if there were less cars on
the road, it would be even harder to find a parking place.
"I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so
clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word I am
saying."                                      - Oscar Wilde
"He had an awful dizzy spell.  He dropped a dime in the
revolving door and it took him five minutes to find it."
Another advantage of an electric razor is that you dont have
to sober up to shave.
An optimist is a man who thinks a woman in a phone booth
will be right out when he hears her say good-bye.
"In New York crime is getting worse. I was just there the
other day. The Statue of Liberty had both hands up."
- Jay Leno
A pessimist avoids looking at the bright side of things out
of fear of getting eyestrain.
"Pessimist: A person who has had to listen to too many
optimists."
"When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find
a loophole in my birth certificate."
A good neighbor is one who lets
his grass grow as high as yours.
It takes years of married life before a man
learns to understand every word his wife is
not saying.
"Congressional terms should be . . . .
ten to twenty with no possibility of parole."
- Walt Handelsman
"If you watch a game, it's fun.  If you play it,
it's recreation.  If you work at it, it's golf."
It's nice to be important,
but more important to be nice.
There are two ways of being rich.
One is to have all you want, the other
is to be satisfied with what you've got.
Last year I made a list of things that I resolved to do;
I'll use that list again this year, it's still as good
as new.
A good wife laughs at her husband's jokes,
not because they are clever, but because she is.
"I like to tease my plants.  I water them with ice cubes."
A class reunion is when everyone gets
together to see who is falling apart.
"You have to give Americans a lot of credit,
how else could they buy all those new cars?"
If you want something done, give it to a
busy man - and he'll have his secretary do it.
Triumph is just "umph" added to try.
"If you can't convince them - confuse them."
Worrying never solves anything, but it gives
you something to do until the trouble starts.
The world is so confusing nowadays, even your barber has
trouble giving you all the answers.
Someday your ship will come in and with
your luck you'll probably be at the airport.
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch)
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Common sense is the least common of all senses.
A wallet is a device that permits you to lose
all your valuables at the same time.
Why is it that people who have an hour to
waste usually try to spend it with someone
who does not?
The penalty for bigamy is two mother-in-laws.
The trouble with making mental notes
is that the ink fades so fast.
"A wife lasts only for the length of the
marriage, but an ex-wife is there for
the rest of your life."                       - Jim Samuels
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
What this country needs is a few unemployed politicians.
There are seven ways to warm your feet in February.  Dipping
them in the Caribbean is one.  If you can afford that,
forget the other six.
"Firing will continue around here until morale improves."
A college education is supposed to fit you for a
position - not entitle you to one.
The quickest way to find something lost around
the house is to buy a replacement.
Knowledge is like money - if you keep quiet
about it, people will think you've got more than
you have.
"To err is human and stupid."
- Robert Byrne
Opinions are like noses - everyone has one.
"A young man is a theory, an old man is a fact."
- Ed Howe
It's a person's inalienable right to make a fool of
himself but that privilege should not be used up all
at one time.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
- Redd Foxx
Never argue with a fool - people
might not know the difference.
Remember when a "enter" was a sign on
a door and not a button on a computer?
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"Winter is nature's way of saying, 'Up yours'."
We all have two chances to become
millionaires - fat and slim.
Where there's a will, there are relatives,
but, where there is no will at all,
there are even more.
"Pessimist: one who, when he has a choice of two evils,
chooses both."
Oh Lord, help my words to be sweet and tender today,
for tomorrow I may have to eat them.
We have done so much, for so long,
with so little, we are not qualified
to do anything with nothing.
Wise is the person who knows what to say
but when not to say it.
The main difference between Swiss cheese and Camembert
is that the ventilation is a little better.
"When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it
happened or not; but I am getting old, and soon I shall
remember only the latter."                     - Mark Twain
In the old days a man who saved money was a miser; now
he is a wonder.
Few things are as bad as enthusiastic ignorance.
"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over
once and put it in your pocket."
"The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes
disguised as hard work."
Execuglide: To propel oneself about an office
without getting up from the chair.
"Most people put off till tomorrow that which they should
have done yesterday."
- Edgar W. Howe
"Straddling an issue is like straddling the middle of the
road.  You are liable to be hit from both sides."
Alarm Clock - A mechanism used to scare the daylights
into you.
"Acting without thinking is like shooting without aiming."
- B. C. Forbes
"Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it most always
like it the least."
- Lord Chesterfield
There's a line on the ocean where, by crossing it, you can
lose a day.  But, there's one on the highway where you can
do even better than that.
"Growing old is no more than a bad habit which a busy man
has no time to form."
- Andre' Maurois
"Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your
temporal affairs.  You may live."
- Ambrose Bierce
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before
you get tired.
"Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art."
- Garson Kanin
On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to
dinner at the same moment - halftime.
"Old boys have their playthings as well as young ones; the
difference is only in the price."
"I have great faith in fools; self-confidence, my friends
call it."
- Edgar Allan Poe
"The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to
the other end in an awful hurry."
- John Jensen
The door to the room of success swings on the hinges of
opposition.
"A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."
- E. E. "Ed" Howe
"If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a
job."
- Malcolm Forbes
"You know how you tell when you're getting old?  When your
broad mind changes places with your narrow waist."
Be sure your brain is in gear before engaging your mouth.
"The dictionary is the only place where success comes
before work."
- Arthur Brisbane
Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking
questions because they know all the answers.
"Buy thermometers in the wintertime.  They're much lower
then."
- Soupy Sales
If it wasn't for the optimist, the pessimist would never
know how happy he isn't.
"Whenever you see a man with handkerchief, sock and tie to
match, you may be sure he is wearing a present."
- Frank Case
"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."
"The only successful substitute for brains is silence."
"A day away from some people is like a month in the
country."
- Howard Dietz
The quickest way to do many things is to do only one thing
at a time.
The worst fate in the world is to be wrecked on a desert
island with a crossword puzzle book and no pencil.
Most of us know how to say nothing - few of us know when.
"I'm always tired because I sleep slow."
- Paul Brenden
Another sign of age is when you begin to spend more time
talking with your druggist than your barber.
When in trouble, always hold your chin up--if nothing else,
it will keep your mouth shut.
People who find it hard to get up early find it even harder
to go to bed early.
"All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on
the part of every organism to live beyond its income."
To have good luck fishing you have to get there yesterday
when the fish were biting.
Judging from the number of persons who can't read traffic
signals you have to assume illiteracy is increasing.
"Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative."
- Maurice Chevalier
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Adolescent - A youngster who is old enough to dress himself,
if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes.
Summer - The season of the year which bugs us!
Money never makes a fool of a man, but it may expose
the fool in him.
After the one who is the life of the party passes out,
everybody begins to have a good time.
Time spent fishing cannot be deducted from a man's life!
"Never have children, only grandchildren."
- Gore Vidal
"If you want people to notice your faults, start giving
advice."
- Kelly Stephens
"Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the
ability to stick to one thing till it gets there."
Another nice thing about children is that they never
carry snapshots of their parents in their pockets.
"I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning
paper.  Then I look at the obituary page.  If my name is
not on it, I get up."                    - Harry Hershfield
A procrastinator never has small problems because he
always waits until they grow up.
History doesn't repeat itself as often as gossip does.
A good time to retire is before it's too late to have a
good time.
Opportunity sometimes knocks on your door, but more often
it's a salesman.
The best way to save face is to keep the lower half of it
shut.
The fact that a snake wags its tail at you doesn't mean
it wants to be petted.
"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like
it."
- Samuel Goldwyn
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
A do-it-yourselfer is always spending a lot of money on
tools to save a little money.
Bad is called good when worse happens.
You can't tell: maybe a fish goes home and lies about the
size of the man he got away from.
The pessimist always does better today than he expects to do
tomorrow.
"No man's credit is ever as good as his money."
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without
arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
- Johnny Carson
"I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered
on beaches all over the world."
"Baker's Dozen: Twelve of today's doughnuts and one of
yesterday's."
- Johnny Hart
"One good thing about inflation is that the fellow who
forgets his change nowadays doesn't lose half as much as he
used to."                                     - Kin Hubbard
"We should be grateful for subways.  At least they've taken
crime off the street."
- Will Jordan
The only thing worse than hearing the alarm clock
in the morning is not hearing it.
"A friend is a man who has the same enemies you have."
- Stephen Leacock
"I'm convinced the reason most people play golf
is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in
otherwise."                                   - Roger Simon
A thoughtful wife has meat and potatoes ready
when here husband comes home from a fishing trip.
"Nothing is more often 'opened by mistake'
than the human mouth."
"I was born modest; not all over, but in spots."
"Do not put off till tomorrow what can be enjoyed today."
"The past at least is secure."
- Daniel Webster
"When you see a snake, never mind where he came from."
- W. G. Benham
Only Robinson Crusoe got his work done by Friday.
"This could be a great conversation if you
just wouldn't keep breaking in."
Before you borrow money from a friend,
decide which you need more.
"I am a great believer in luck and the harder I work the
more I have of it."
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along
so well is that they have a common enemy.
"It matters not whether you win or lose;
what matters is whether I win or lose."
- Darrin Weinberg
More diets begin in the dress shops
than in doctors' offices.
Giving 'till it hurts is not a true measure of charity.
Some are more easily hurt than others.
Be not so open minded that your brains fall out.
"A man who can smile when things go wrong
has found someone he can blame it on."
"Money often costs too much."
Actions speak louder than words - but not so often.
"Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems."
- Henry Adams
"The trick is to make sure you don't die waiting for
prosperity to come."
- Lee Iacocca
One of the mysteries of life is how the boy who wasn't good
enough to marry the daughter can be the father of the
smartest grandchild in the world.
"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
- G. K. Chesterton
The only thing you can give the man who has everything is a
calendar to remind him when the payments are due.
"Never lend money to friends, it ruins their memories."
There is an automobile for every 2 1/2 persons. The missing
half is the pedestrian who has been run over.
Always put off till tomorrow what you shouldn't do at all.
You can be robbed of what you have, but not of what you are.
Confidence is keeping your chin up; overconfidence is
sticking your neck out.
"Did you ever have one of those nights where you didn't want
to go out...but your hair looked to good to stay home?"
- Jack Simmons
To some wives, a fishing rod is a pole with
a worm at each end.
There is nothing busier than an idle rumor.
"He who laughs last, didn't get the joke."
Developed after years of intensive research
(Discovered by accident)
"The nice thing about egotists is that they
don't talk about other people."
- Lucille S. Harper
No amount of careful planning will
ever replace dumb luck.
"To get back on your feet, miss two car payments."
"I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent
in Florida.  They found land on my property."
- Milton Berle
"Apologize: to lay the foundation for a future offense."
The rush hour is when a motorist travels the shortest
distance in the longest time.
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your
middle."
When two partners in a business always agree, one of
them is unnecessary.
"I've reached that age when a good day is one when you get
up and nothing hurts."
- H. Martin
"There's another advantage of being poor - a doctor will
cure you faster."
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang
on.
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until he
starts working.
Golf Ball - A shpere made of rubber bands wound up half
as tensely as the man trying to hit it.
"A dilemma is a politician trying to save both his faces
at once."
- John A. Lincoln
Wealthy people miss one of great thrills in life -
paying the last installment.
Time heals all things - except leaky faucets.
A highway is a road where a lot of cars are moving rapidly
until your car joins them.
"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake
up in the morning you're on the job."
- Slappy White
Be careful of your thoughts;
They may break into words
at any time.
"Forgive your enemies, that'll confuse 'em completely."
Never put off till tomorrow that you can avoid altogether.
"The trouble with some women is that they
get all excited about nothing and then
marry him."                                          - Cher
If everything seems to be coming your way,
you're probably in the wrong lane.
Ignorance may be temporary - stupidity is forever.
"I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous
to offer me the position."
"If youth is a fault, one soon gets rid of it."
- Johann Von Goethe
I'm on a seafood diet.  I see food and I eat it.
"A blunderer is a man who starts a meat market during Lent."
- James Montgomery Bailey
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win
you're still a rat."
In some government offices there are so many coffee breaks
that the employees can't sleep at their work.
"If it wasn't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
Second wind: what a speaker gets when he says,
"In Conclusion."
"We're bound to have a better tomorrow,
I couldn't stand another Today!"
Traffic Accidents could be reduced to a minimum if only the
cars that were fully paid for were allowed on the roads.
Money doesn't buy happiness, but it pays for the illusion.
"Sleep is the rest we need to keep from getting fed up
with ourselves."
The only thing some people save for a rainy day is
a picnic.
Give a skeptic an inch, and he'll measure it.
How long a minute is, depends on which side
of the bathroom door you're on.
"I wouldn't mind being the last man on earth--just to see
if all those girls were telling the truth."
- Ronnie Shakes
"A conclusion is the place where
you got tired thinking."
- Martin H. Fischer
"I never get angry, I get even."
"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except
an old optimist."
If we could sell our experiences for what
they cost us, we'd all be millionaires.
"Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I
was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."
- George Burns
"Hard work never killed anybody,
but why take a chance?"
- Charlie McCarthy
"If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
it's the light of an oncoming train."
- Robert Lowell
It usually takes a long time to find a shorter way.
"Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience."
"How can I die?  I'm booked."
"It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a
depression when you lose your own."
"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you
say."
- Emerson
If it required some effort to go from today to tomorrow,
some people would always remain in yesterday.
"I like work; it fascinates me; I can
sit and look at it for hours."
- Jerome K. Jerome
If you want to avoid undue excitement, stay within your
income.
The best way to keep a New Year's resolution is - to
yourself.
"Middle age: when you begin to exchange your emotions for
symptoms."
- Irvin S. Cobb
The less the government cuts down on its spending, the more
it makes us cut down on ours.
The best thing to take for a hangover is whiskey the night
before.
"I'm a little paranoid, I often think the car in front of me
is following me the long way around."
Good judgement comes from experience -
usually experience which was the result of
poor judgement.
"I've made only one mistake this year,
I thought I was wrong; turned out to be right."
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is
when he fills out a job application.
If at first you don't succeed - find
someone who knows what he's doing.
Time flies, but remember, you are the navigator.
"There are two kinds of pedestrians...
the quick and the dead."
- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
One must be perfectly stupid to be perfectly happy.
"Rumor, that most efficient of press agents."
- Bruce Barton, Jr.
"Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after
the money is gone."
- John Ciardi
Instant - The length of time it takes a supermarket
cash register to reach $10.
It is better to be stupid like everyone than to be clever
like no one.
"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are
busy driving taxis and cutting hair."
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
"Have you noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is a
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."
"The hardest thing is writing a recommendation for someone
we know."
To err is human, to blame it on the other party is politics.
Misfortune is a point of view. Your headache feels good to
an aspirin salesman.
"To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to
give it."
- John Churton Collins
Don't stop trying: remember, it is always the last key
that opens the lock.
Never get up in the morning with a long face, or you'll have
that much more to shave.
One good thing about a snowfall is that it makes your lawn
look as good as your neighbor's.
"There are three things I have always loved but never
understood: art, music and women."
- Fontenelle
"If law school is so hard to get through,
how come there are so many lawyers?"
- Calvin Trillin
"My mother said, 'You won't amount to anything
because you procrastinate.'  I said 'Just wait.'"
- Judy Tenuta
"I like life.  It's something to do."