We're baaaaaack. (Danny saw "The Shining" over the weekend.) First, you're referring to "Poltergiest" and second, we'll...I don't really have a second but I've one-upped you and that's what matters. (Only one? Oooo, I guess one really is the loneliest number.) Hey, the Titans lost the Super Bowl by one yard. (Point taken, but I've got my eye on you, pilgrim.)

Well, enough of the snap fighting, let's see the real insults in this month's episode with our calvacade of crappy cybersites.

Alex Chiu's Eternal Life Device
Imagine living in a world where death is only something that appears in movies, television and white rappers' careers. Now the promise of eternal life can be yours just by wearing the famed Immortaily Device with matching ear rings. (Act now, and we'll throw in the "Guide to Avoiding Rip Offs" for only two hundred dollars more!)

"No" in many languages
It's a word used by stuck up high school freshmen, conservative parents and practically every IRS income tax collector in the history of mankind. Learn how Algeria says "the opposite of yes." (Here's a page Monica Lewinsky might find useful.)

Alien Abductions Incorporated
Large corporations are known for monopolizing the market with tainted products and dangerous chemicals that can seriously damage a person's health, well-being or physical anatomy. This is not one of those corporations, even if they do offer probes at a reasonable price. (I wonder if they apply shipping and handling charges on delivering alien fetus implants.)

How to Play Air Guitar
If music ain't your thing or learning to play an instrument is about as easy as learning neurosurgery, pick up the newest trend from America's greatest rock bands - air guitar. (Trust me, it sounds a lot better than learning to play "Air Accordion." Oh, somebody get me a pair of earmuffs.)

Star Trek Gourmet Coffee Store
When you wake up from 22 hours in suspended animation, you need that first beaker of coffee to keep your dilithium crystals charged. So make sure when you beam up that jaunty java each morning, make sure it's a cup of "Captain Pecan Roast." (The first thing that scares me is that someone actually manufactures "Star Trek Coffee." The second thing is that Danny actually learned how to spell "Dilithium.") Whoa, dude. Didn't you just dictate the word "dilithium" directly? (Uh oh, it's contagious!!)

Manned Mission to Mars
It's been a dream only realized by Isaac Asimov, Ray Bradbury and astronauts who need a new vacation spot other than the moon. Now for a measly 2 million smackers, you can join the crew to the next manned mission to the Red Planet. (Someone's wearing their space helmet way way way too tight.)

Toothbrush Abrasion Lawsuit Website
Justice, truth and the American way areonce again being threatened by the American Dental Association. A dental disease caused by toothbrushes is taking the world by storm, one molar at a time. (Yeah, and four out of five dentists recommend sticking your foot in an operating blender.)

Transgressing the Boundaries: Towards a Transformative Hermeneutics of Quantum Gravity
The existential perforation of modern dianetical trangression is slowly mezopotamining and resurrecting the clairvoyance of societal repression. Presently, the populated massification of their rotisserie can't pinpoint the location of the transcendentenal ramification. (No, that's not right. The transgressional of quantum gravity...uh...really smells like candy.) Ohhhhhh, du'h.

Al Gore or the Unabomber?
Eight years ago, both of these pop and political culture icons exploded (no joke intended) on the scene and into the spotlight. Get ready to distinguish the differences between the Vice President of the Country and the Country's President of Vice. (Here's a difference. If a person comes up to you on the street and you're having trouble distinguishing them from Al Gore or the Unabomber, just look under their hood and if a big joint is hanging out of his mouth, then....oh wait, that's really not a big difference.)

The Acronymonometer
It's the official name of the NAACP, the NOW, MTV, KFC, IHOP, CNN, AAA, BSA, NFL, WNBA, AOL, CEA, BMW, CD-ROM, and even SPAM (Sludge People Associate as Meat). Now you can make your own acronym virtually effortlessly. (How lazy have we gotten? What's next? A web page that makes initials for your own name?!?)

Great Vomit Stories of the 20th Century
There's tremendous tragedy and theatrical tenderness to the tales of testing the talent of your tummy. This text takes toilet travesty to a totally inventive tone. (Speaking of vomiting profusely, if Danny doesn't stop using the same letter over and over and over and over in each episode, then everyone's going to see what I had for lunch.) Is that true, oh tragic teller of testy teasers? (Oh God, where's the Pepto, Dr. Heimlich?)

The Amazing Rubberband Ball
Once it was just a marble with a single, round strand of rubber from an old loaf of Roman Meal Wheat Bread wrapped around it. Now it stands as a gargantuan, 60 foot sphere of packaging wonder that has a small chance of one day taking over the Earth and enslaving all of mankind. (Hmm, a giant object 60 feet in circumference that could one day rule the world...Roger Ebert?)

Haunted by Elvis
When there's something strolling in a rhinestone suit and blue suede shoes sleeping in your bed, who ya gonna call?... (Dunkin Donuts. Alright! Hey I'd be hot on late night TV!) Do you really think a late show legend like Leno laughs at your lewd and ludicrious lacerations? (As long as it includes an O.J. bit. Come on folks, what do you think? Give me my big break folks by signing the guestbook below and tell NBC why I, "The Mouth" ...and maybe Danny ... should get a guest shot on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Then for the next episode we'll actually send it to the big chin himself!)

Well folks, I can't argue with him there except for the part about me not going on the Tonight Show. Sign the official "Jay Leno and the Mouth" guestbook, get us on TV and Amused.com will do their best to let "The Mouth" meet "The Chin!" Make him shut up! I must get some sleep soon!

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