Have a headset? Why not coach in the NFL?

Judging by the collection of second-rate talents lining up for the multitude of NFL head coaching opportunities, perhaps Raymond Berry should dust off his resumÄ. Though his egomania doomed his tenure in New England, Berry at least has somewhat of a winning history.

Maybe spending the last ten years living in exile down the street from Ray Handley and Rich Kotite has humbled him. If not, I'd still take a mildly insane, somewhat deluded coach who got his team to a Super Bowl over the collection of nobodies being trotted out for the various openings around the league.

Plus, Berry, unlike the majority of coaches, has his own theme song. Sure, "Leader of the Pats" was a pale second to "New England, the Patriots and We," which itself was no "Superbowl Shuffle," but have you ever tried to rhyme with Belichick?

Even if you discount the important theme song issue, the number of skilled, unemployed NFL head coaches has dwindled to a precious few. It's easier to find television critics who hate "The Sopranos" than it is to find a head coach to turn around your football team.

This severe shortage of qualified candidates has led NFL general managers and team owners to scour the ranks of the undeserving. From college coaches fresh off a 7-5 season that culminated with a victory at the NotVeryImportant.com Bowl to coordinators from mediocre pro teams, everyone who owns a headset has shown up on someone's short list.

Usually one or two top coaches are lying in wait as TV analysts playing with their telestrators and talking about how much they love golf. But instead of Bill Parcells, Jimmy Johnson or any coach with a winning pedigree, this year's crop of temporary TV stars offers little more than Jerry Glanville and Marty Schottenheimer.

If you're looking for a colorful coach who will incite rage in your fans while piling up the losses, Glanville is your guy. A very poor man's Mike Ditka, Glanville loses games with a flair that at least keeps things interesting.

Schottenheimer, on the other hand, has almost no charisma, but he does have a track record of winning regular season games. Unfortunately, Schottenheimer also has an aversion to winning playoff games. Perhaps he's allergic to postseason victories, or maybe he just gets bored once January rolls around. Whatever the reason, hiring him guarantees your team gets those all-important extra weeks of vacation to rest up for its next disappointing season.

The last major candidate, and the man most likely to end up on the Patriots sideline, has what could only be called "a tradition of losing" in his previous tenure as a head coach. During Bill Belichick's time as the boss in Cleveland, he only managed one playoff appearance while racking up a string of poor personnel decisions from which that team (now the Baltimore Ravens) has yet to recover.

Given this sorry list, the Pats and other teams that still need coaches should consider trying something new. Why not give a robot coach a chance or run a fan promotion letting contest winners draw up plays?

If you're against that, I'd suggest hiring Al Pacino to reprise his Any Given Sunday role. If he says no, maybe Rick Moranis could rediscover the coaching magic he had in Little Giants. If all that fails, there's always bringing back Chuck Fairbanks, Ron Meyer, Rod Rust or Dick McPherson.