Whether you're reading Louie Anderson's "Lose Weight with Cheesecake," George Hamilton's "Become a Celebrity By Being Famous" or "Rap Your Way to Inner Peace" by Tupac Chopra, you will not find the answer to life's problems at Barnes & Noble. No one has written about an easy way to make money, lose weight or achieve endless happiness, for the simple reason that these things aren't easy.

The secret way to achieve all of these things is exactly the same, no matter what you're wishing for: work hard and get a little bit lucky. That idea won't sell many books, and it makes an awful bumper sticker, but useful advice rarely gets slapped on the back of a Chevette anyway. Unfortunately, the fact that there are no easy answers has only intensified people's search for them. Every celebrity has at least one book espousing some crackpot philosophy and suggesting that anyone can have what the rich and famous have.

The public buys these books, eager to apply whatever worked for the star, be it Tony Danza, Tony Randall or Tony Orlando, to their own beleaguered existences. This never works because famous people, especially those famous for long-ago triumphs, have nothing else to do but work on toning their physiques, aligning their chakras and spanking their inner children. It's easy to achieve perfect physical condition when your "job" week consists of sitting in the center square for half an hour. Even the busy, still-working celebrities who dole out advice as readily as their has-been brethren live rarified existences bearing no relation to how we regular folk live.

For example, Oprah Winfrey has managed to lose weight, despite her genetic tendency toward obesity and love for fatty foods. This would be an accomplishment for a normal person. It's less impressive when you consider that Oprah has an army of gourmet chefs cooking her every meal, as well as a team of personal trainers ready to put her through a workout.

I'm sure if I had a chef making me tasty, low-fat treats, it would be a lot easier to choke them down than, say, a gelatinous glob of vaguely chicken from Lean Cuisine. My workout might also go a bit better if I actually had "Body By" Jake in the room rather than on my television.

Additionally, the rich and famous have help from dozens of assistants who do everything from pick up their dry cleaning to brush their teeth. The only self-help advice most famous people should offer is, "Time and money go a long way toward solving whatever problems you have."

Our appetite for easy answers in book form has become so great that people have become famous just by writing them. The best way to achieve fame seems to be either creating a fad diet that involves eating only one food, or designing a philosophy that makes no sense to anyone except Madonna. My new book calls for eating only Tootsie Pops while praying in front of an altar made of melting Chipwiches. It's called "Life is Easy: That's Why We're All Rich," and it costs $39.95 plus shipping handling (even if you buy it a bookstore). It does come with a free "starter" Tootsie Pop and an address where you can send me your credit cards, in exchange for a list of stores that carry the Chipwich.