After over 30 years of space travel, America now has the answer to that age-old scientific question, "Just how does oatmeal affect weightless senior citizens?" Add that to the widespread social benefits of NASA's late-80s research report "Juggling: It's Really Easy On the Moon," and you have to wonder how anyone could complain about the space program's budget.

America's space efforts, which began as a way to show that we had bigger rockets than the Russians, have fallen on hard times in recent years. Public interest has plummeted, TV ratings have tanked and upstart Sunny Delight has overtaken Tang in the highly competitive pseudo-orange beverage category.

To recapture the public's attention, NASA has dropped most pretense of scientific validity and has instead gone to stunt casting. Sure, they act like they believe the cockamamie story about John Glenn studying the effects of space travel on aging, but in reality, they just wanted a guest star to provide a ratings boost.

Usually stunt casting involves an aging former star or an oddball celebrity appearing in a cameo on a current television show in need of ratings help. Perhaps Gary Coleman pops onto "Melrose Place" and says, "What you talkin' about, Amanda?" or maybe Gilligan shows up on an episode of "The New Fantasy Island," looking befuddled Either way, a few more people watch, and perhaps the series survives for another season.

The same way TV producers make sure Pamela Anderson says no before they call Loni Anderson, you have to believe our beleaguered space agency explored all its options before choosing Glenn. But since sending up a shuttle full of bikini babes presented logistical problems and Leonardo DiCaprio wanted too much money, NASA chose the octogenarian senator. Early Nielsen data shows that they made the correct choice. The Glenn mission has rated higher than most episodes of "Sister, Sister," and the launch actually helped C-Span cross into double digit viewership. Couple that with the results of the recent Gallup/CNN/Dr. Scholl's poll which shows that a full 18% of the public plan on visiting space 'as soon as they have some vacation time,' and you see that NASA has scored a major PR victory.

Given the success of the Glenn flight, we can expect future shuttle missions starring a really cute puppy, a precocious orphan and perhaps a hooker with a heart of gold. The only way NASA could garner more attention would be if Toni Morrison wrote a book about middle-aged African American women finding love in outer space, and Oprah made it a book club selection.

NASA should recognize the opportunity it has and replace all those boring, qualified non-celebrity astronauts with teams of "noveltynauts" designed for maximum public relations appeal. Send the McCaughey septuplets up with Jerry Springer at the controls and Monica Lewinsky as in-flight entertainment director. Let the WWF use the Russian space station for Wrestlemania, and have the producers of Jim Carrey's next movie paint the moon with a likeness of the star's own oft-viewed "moon."

Forget curing diseases, launching satellites or any other scientific claptrap that interferes with NASA's marketability. America has thousands of scientists, but only two Olsen twins. Who would you rather we shot into space?