BUT FIRST,THE NEWS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hello,the time has come around again to have a little look at the items that have been making the tabloid news lately,none of that boring current affairs type crap though,I mean real news. Firstly,the creation of yet another and better uplift bra.We`ve had the Wonderbra and the Ultrabra,now the Ultrabra Perfection.Apparently it increases the cleavage by 18%,lovely.Mind you I think that to suit a Wonderbra you`ve kinda got to have something there in the first place.If you`d like to see how a support bra should not be worn,try watching Coronation Street and have a look at Raquel the barmaid.If her little gazongas get shoved any closer together she`ll end up with one tit right in the middle of her chest. The government is considering heaving any soldiers that are found to be taking drugs out of the army,why?If they made the smoking of dope compulsary,there would be a lot less wars about." Right lads,over the top,lets blow these bastards to pieces ",answer," like,why man,lets just,like,chill out,sit down man,lets get mellow ". Lots of snooker news lately.Stephen Hendry,the human pizza,has declared that if Labour win the next election,he`s going to move to England,good,piss off,ya duck-billed-plooky-pus.( Reminds me of the Chinese politician who was asked when he`d last had an election and replied," Just before bleakfast "). Steve Davis has been caught out shagging some 19 year old bimbo.Apparently she says that he`s a terrific lover and can " sink the pink " several times a night.Hmmm,intersesting,must be too much meatballs. Animal rights weirdos are claiming that there is a massive amount of meat infected by mad cow disease being consumed by the populace.Looking at Anthea Turner,I think they could be right. Supermarkets in some areas are checking their stock after someone claimed to have injected urine into frozen sausages.Personally I`ve thought that they taste like someone must have been lacing them with shite for years. A survey has revealed that one in five people in Britain suffer from depression.Londoners are worst at 23%,Midlands 21%,Scotland 17%,( now that`s depressing,shit,18% ),South East/Anglia 16%,North 16%,South West and Wales 15%.How can 15% of Welshmen be depressed with all those sheep about.( A Welsh guy told me once that making love to a sheep was great apart from the fact that you have to keep nipping around to the front for a kiss ) What an uproar in Scotland with Gazza being reported for on- field violent conduct.The day after that match,a junior match was halted because a guy was sent off after fighting with another player,fighting with the ref,fighting with the crowd and possesing a flick knife.Now that`s violent conduct. ÿÿÿÿÿÿ The Queen Mum,she`s Scottish you know,puts her longevity down to lots of smoked fish.Yes dear,but you don`t eat the bones.Actually that reminds me of a wee story.Unfortunately, for our English readers, it helps if you know that Arbroath is famous for it`s smokies.Anyway,this blind guy is on the train to Aberdeen but doesn`t want any fuss made of him so he folds up his stick and takes off his dark glasses. This raving nymphomaniac is also on the train and is desperate for a man.She`s scanning the carraiges for a bloke and eventually sees the blind guy.She unbuttons her blouse a bit and goes into the carraige." Hello ",she says," Hello ",he replies.She`s a bit put out that he`s not interested.She unbuttons her blouse altogether and lifts up her bra.Still he sits there looking straight forwards.She gets up and pushes her breasts to an inch of his face.Still no reaction.She stands up and lifts her skirt and pulls off her knickers.Still no reaction.In a last act of desperation she stands astride his legs and pushes her fluffy bit an inch in front of his face.The guy goes,sniff,sniff," Good,Arbroath already ".Yuk,Yuk. Actually,that reminds me of a true story.An old joiner I know reckons that he can identify any type of wood by smell alone,and he can.This day though the guys decided to play a trick on him.They asked him to do his usual party piece,so he covers his eyes and they hold out different types of wood for him to sniff.A bit of pine,a bit of mahogany.Then one guy holds out a pair of his wife`s smalls that he`s lifted from the laundry basket.The old joiner sniffs and says," Ah,you`re trying to catch me out.That`s either a bit of a wooden lavvy seat or an old fish box ".Not too far off really. A 1.7 million pound housing development for elderly Chinese people was opened in Edinburgh to help them to overcome the isolation that they may feel.Shheesh,great idea,isolate them all in one block to overcome their isolation. Rowan Atkinson`s new series The Thin Blue Line will be a totally new departure for him,what,it`s going to be funny? I notice that Princess Di has said that she doesn`t need sex.Mind you I also notice that Duracell has just been awarded one of those " By Royal Appointment " thingies,connection ?,could be. I`ve just heard the new Bond song Goldeneye and I`ve only one small complaint.It`s pish. An off-duty policeman was up in court for exposing himself while wearing a ladies black lace bra.Apparently they knew he was a policeman because of the odd shape of his helmet. Two guys were admitted to a hospital in Dundee,one with a broken jaw and one with a badly cut head.They were arrested while in casualty for fighting in the street.Apparently they were both posting advertising fliers and wanted to use the same spot,hence the punch- up.One guy was from the League Against Cruel Sports and the other from Friends of the Earth.Nice people really. A family got a shock when they hired the Goonies film to watch from their local video library.Near the end of the film it cut to 12 minutes of hard core gay pornography.I suppose it was the bit when they discovered One-Eyed Willie. An investor on the Bankok Stock Market,who lost a cool 30 million, shot himself in the head but lived.If he was daft enough to lose 30 million he should have stuck the barrel of the gun up his arse and blown his brains out. Well there we go,another irreverent look at the news( or should it be irrelevant ),see you next time.