"Bottom Probe" A script by Colin Campbell (c) 1994 Based on the characters and situations created by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall (c) 1991 - 1994 This script can be included, unedited, in on or off-line non-commercial or amateur magazines and can be enacted publicly by non-commercial theatre groups without author's restriction. Current BBC/Edmondson/Mayall restrictions upon "Bottom" performances apply - check beforehand. The author cannot be held responsible for anything. Commercial use of this script is currently prohibited. The author can be contacted at any of the following addresses shown in the box below. 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � � � 100:101/12.4@turbonet.ftn 21 Aldbury Mews � � 90:102/0.4@nest.ftn Edmonton � � 2:254/105.4@fidonet.org London N9 9JD � � 51:502/0.4@atarinet.ftn United Kingdom � � � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 SCENE 1 The hallway outside of the lounge, just next to the front door. The door is closed and we can hear the lads arguing outside. Eddie: Left a bit! Richie: No, right! Eddie: Look, move it left, right? Richie: Which? Left or right? Eddie: Left!! Richie: Right. Eddie: No, left! Richie: That's what I said, Eddie! Eddie: No, you said right! I heard you! Richie: Look, Eddie. (patiently) We will move it left, okay? Eddie: (at last) Right! Richie: Right? Eddie: What? Richie: You just said right! Make up your mind, Eddie. Really,.. Eddie: I think you're getting a bit confused. Richie: ...it was a totally bad idea to move this on our own. We should've paid those two burly gentlemen who delivered it to install it as well, you know... Eddie: I don't think they would've done it for us, Rich. They looked rather shifty and kept glancing around as they unloaded it. Richie: Well, I'm very much of the "Customer Comes First" school, Eddie. They should've been grateful to be able to take this thing up for us. Eddie: I don't quite think it works that way. I didn't even want to buy this thing. But their sales pitch was very persuasive. Richie: How d'you mean? Eddie: They said they'd break my legs if I didn't buy it. Richie: Blimey. Eddie: Exactly. Look, open the door. We can't get it in if the door's shut, can we? Richie: Okay. Eddie: (panic) No! Don't let go! (scream of pain) (The door opens. We see Richie and Eddie man-handling a very large box up the stairs. Richie has let go of the box to open the door and Eddie is screaming in pain as it is now resting on his foot) Richie: Right, let's get it inside. Are you feeling okay, Eddie? (Eddie is in too much pain to reply) Right, after three.... three!! (They manage to move it into the hall. Eddie collapses on top of the box in total exhaustion) There! That wasn't too bad, was it? Eddie: (in pain) Yes it was! Richie: You old moaner. Right, let's get it moved into the kitchen. No time for lay-abouts in our flat. Right, Eddie. After three.... one! (Eddie, expecting Richie to say "three" starts humpfing the box, which tips and pins Richie against the wall) Arg! Arh! Eddie, let it go! Eddie: (letting box go) What's the matter? Richie: You nearly crushed me! You fool! Eddie: So? Richie: Look, when I say after three I mean that when I count to three we then move when I say three and not before. (Eddie looks bewildered) It's simple, Eddie. You see, on... Eddie! Where you do think you're going? Eddie: I've had enough of this box-shifting lark. I'm having a rest. (Eddie walks off into the lounge, leaving Richie fuming) Richie: You scab! You unionist! You can't just stop working when you want to any more! You've got to do what I say, or you won't get your share of the money!! Eddie: (off screen) I've already got all the giros, remember! Richie: (angry) Damn! I knew it was a mistake to trust you with them! Eddie! Come back here and help me! Eddie: (off screen) No! SCENE 2 The lounge. Eddie is sitting at the kitchen table, reading the "Racing Post" intensely. The camera pans around the room, showing a surprising amount of expensive consumer goods. Eddie: Hmm, "Lavatory Cheese" looks like a good one. Hmm.. 5 to 1 as well. (We hear a few abortive attempts by Richie to move the box on his own. Richie enters) Richie: Come on, Eddie. Give your old pal Richie a hand. It's only a couple more feet. Hardly take you a minute, will it? Come on. Eddie: I'm very busy. Richie: You're reading the newspaper! Come on, you'll hardly break into a sweat. All the hard bits are done. Dead easy now, Eddie. Old pal. Eddie: Well, if it's that easy then you can manage on your own then, can't you? Richie: You bastard! Eddie: Yup! (Richie leaves. Eddie reads the paper while various bumping noises come from the hallway. Eventually, Richie manages to get the box into the lounge. He is utterly puffed out) Richie: See, dead easy, mate. (puff) No bother at all. Didn't need you, Eddie. (pant) Nope, I did it on my own. Eddie: No change there, then. Richie: Right, will you give me a hand in unpacking it? Eddie: Well.... it'll cost you. Richie: (looking in pocket) Well, I've not got any change out of this fiver. (Eddie takes the fiver) Hey! Eddie: That'll do nicely, matey. Richie: Swindler! Eddie: Well, we'll have to open it properly. Very technical things, boxes. Richie: Really? Eddie: Yeah. Very technical. You see, the problem with your packing box, Richie, is that by design they are meant to cope with all the knocks but at the same time be... Richie: All right, all right. I'm not interested in hearing this. I've paid you to open the box. So open it! Eddie: Well, first I'll need my tools. (Eddie goes over to the kitchen, opens a drawer and removes a nasty-looking knife) Here we are. Richie: (stepping back) What's that for? Eddie: (waving it) This? Well, it's a box-opening device. It never fails to open boxes. Would you like to see how it works? Richie: Okay then. Eddie: Open the box, Richie! Or I'll chop your head off!! (waves knife menacingly) Richie: Oh, ha ha. Good joke, Eddie. (Ducks as knife whizzes over his head) Bloody hell, Eddie. You almost hit me. Okay okay. I'm opening the box. (Richie tears open the box - revealing a fridge) Eddie: Oh look. It's a fridge! Richie: What? Didn't you know? Eddie: No. Richie: What an odd customer you are, Eddie. Well, I suppose that we need a new fridge. (Opens fridge door) Nice and clean inside here. Well, that'll mean that we won't have to clean out the old one. Where will be put it, Eddie? Eddie: Just bung it where the old fridge is. Richie: But where'll we put the old one? There's no way I'm carrying that downstairs! Eddie: Don't worry about that, old pal. Leave that to your uncle Eddie. (rubs hands together) Richie: Okay. Right, you move the old one and I'll put this one in. Eddie: Righto! (Eddie pulls the old one from it's place [fridge is on wheels] but forgets to unplug it first. There are sparks and smoke. Eddie, whistling, wheels the fridge past an astonished Richie who thought Eddie would have had problems in moving a full fridge. Exit Eddie and fridge) Richie: Bastard! Right, let's get this installed. (Richie shoves the wheel-less fridge and is dismayed as it tips over. He lifts the fridge so that the bottom is at the top. Sees a plan. Pushes fridge over again, and lifts it so that the top is at the top. Pushes fridge over and then lifts it. It is snugly in place. Upside down. Richie doesn't see this) Ha! What skill! SCENE 3 The hallway outside of the lounge, just next to the front door. The door is open. Eddie has manoeuvred the fridge into position at the top of the stairs. Eddie: Well, that was a piece of cake. Just line it up a bit... (crouches down and lines the fridge up with the doorframe so that it'll fit through) ..yep, that ought to do it. Little bit to the left... perfect. Right. (shouting) Four!!! (Eddie shoves the fridge hard. It goes sailing down the stairs. There is a rumbling crash, followed by rending noises, a long screeching sound and the hiss off escaping coolant) Another fine bit of work, Eddie. (shuts the door) Dab hand Eddie, indeed. (Eddie walks back into the lounge) SCENE 4 The lounge. Richie is sitting at the kitchen table, reading the fridge manual and looking rather confused. The packing box hasn't been cleared up. Eddie enters. Eddie: No sweat, Richie. Richie: (pretend yawn) Oh, it's you. Well, I finished installing my new fridge simply ages ago. I'm just reading up on the technical aspects of the installation. What was that crashing noise? You weren't having problems with the fridge, were you? Eddie: Nope. Richie: Well, what was the noise then? Eddie: Erm... Must have been a car crash or something, Rich. Richie: Hmm. If I didn't know you better I'd say you'd just pushed it down the stairs.. Eddie: (worried laugh) Ha ha. Oh you are the joker, Richie. No, I wouldn't do a thing like that. Richie: Wouldn't you? Eddie: No. (pause) So, what are you reading? Richie: Oh, it's the advanced technical section. Eddie: (peering over Richie's shoulder) Really? It looks like the "how to fit a plug" bit to me. Richie: No, it's not a plug. It's a power transference connection couplet. Eddie: Really. Richie: Yes. And I know exactly what to do. So, just you go and leave me alone. Eddie: Fair enough. (wanders over to the sofa and sits down. gets out his GameBoy and laughs excitedly) Richie: (reading) "Please to link connection couplet twice right into three socket number" Blimey. "Brown live to socket five. Please warn that non-right fixation render temporary maladjust circuit explode" This is a bit complicated. (phone starts to ring) Get that, Eddie.. Eddie: (playing the game) No. I'm busy. Richie: Well, so am I! (phone is still ringing) Look, somebody better answer that. Eddie: (Eddie is engrossed in the game) Well, go on then. (phone stops ringing) Never mind, Richie. Probably nobody important. Richie: Shut up, Eddie. (Eddie gets extremely excited with the game, starts moving his whole body in response to what his player is doing. Suddenly the game plays a "death march" tune) Eddie: (angrily) Bastard! Bastard!! (throws GameBoy onto sofa) Bloody thing just cheats all the time! Richie: You just can't win, can you? You've got no skills, have you? Eddie: Well, at least I can put a plug on. What are you having problems with now? Richie: I'm not having any problems, it's just that I can't understand what this manual is on about. Who writes these manuals? I've followed it as best I can but this is total crap. Listen to this.. (reading) "Once to inserted press lever 3 pull on and depart" What does that mean? Eddie: I dunno. Richie: (holds up plug, which looks very badly put on) At least I managed to fit the plug. Eddie: Is it safe? Richie: Of course it's safe. Eddie: What about those wires sticking out? Richie: That's part of the safety feature. If you read the manual it says quite clearly that they are supposed to stick out like that. (Eddie makes a face) Look, here it is. (Richie waves the manual) "Please to attachment correct to not infuscation wires out" and there's even a handy picture with a big red cross marking where the wires should stick out! Eddie: Really? Richie: Yes. So don't keep doubting my talents. (Richie goes to plug in the plug and notices something's wrong with the fridge) There's something not quite right with this fridge, Eddie. Eddie: Oh yeah? (Eddie walks over and looks at it) Hmm. Richie: Yeah, I think there was an manufacturing fault in it. I mean, look at the top, there's not even a nice covering on it. Look, (points at the bottom) the fancy top is at the bottom! Cor, Eddie, you'd think somebody would have spotted it, wouldn't you? Eddie: Well, it looks to me like you've put it in upside down, Richie. Richie: No I didn't. It's a faulty fridge! Eddie: Well, how do you explain this.. (Eddie opens the fridge door and we see the upside-down inside) Richie: (thinking) Er. Ah! Yes, look how badly the door is, Eddie! They've even put that on upside down! (Richie slams the door) Eddie: Yeah. Of course they did. (Eddie opens the door again) And look, they've even put the insides in upside down. Richie: Yes? Eddie: Yeah, it's almost as if the entire thing is upside down. (Richie looks at him in an annoyed manner and then slams the door again) Well, are you not going to plug it in? You know, give it the royal treatment with champagne? Richie: We haven't got any champagne. Well, we had some but _someone_ drank it! (Eddie hiccups) Well, we don't need royalty to plug in a fridge, Eddie. I will do it! Eddie: Are you sure about the plug? Richie: Look, even the biggest idiot in the world could put a plug on a fridge. Nothing can go wrong.. (Richie plugs in the fridge and switches it on. Eddie cowers back, expecting an explosion. There isn't one. The fridge hums slightly. Richie looks pompous. Eddie looks apprehensive) See? Perfect! (Richie goes to open the door and gets an enormous electric shock - the entire fridge is live. He jerks about like a rag doll for a few seconds. The lights in the flat dim. A loud "Pop!", a flash and billowing smoke signal the plug and fridge exploding. Richie goes flying across the room and lands with a crunch on the GameBoy) FADE OUT FADE IN (Richie is running cold water over his burnt hands in the sink) Richie: Bloody foreign manuals. Why does it always happen to me? What have I done to deserve this! Bloody Japs - they can't win the war so they try and blow us all up with their evil killer appliances! Eddie: Shut up! Your enormous buttocks broke my GameBoy! Richie: Filthy evil foreign mind destroying gadgets, Eddie! I did you a favour. Eddie: Well don't! (Phone starts ringing) It's the phone! Richie: Well, I can't answer it with my burnt hands, can I? You answer it! Eddie: It'll cost you. Richie: God, is money all you think of? Okay, there's 50p in my coat pocket. Eddie: Ta very much. (Eddie gets up and answers the phone) (To phone) Hello? Yes, this is their residence. Aha. Yes. I see. Yeah. Yeah. (worried) What? No, you've made some sort of mistake! No, I don't think it _is_ convenient right now! What? What? No! Hello? Hello? Damn! (Eddie hangs up) Richie: Who was it on the phone? Eddie: It was the Department of Social Services, Richie. They are sending an inspector around! Richie: What? Oh my, God! Oh, my God! Aaaaagh! (panic mode) Aaagh! Aargh! AAh!! No! no! They've found out about our giros! Argh! Eddie: Calm down! Richie: Calm down? Calm down!!!?? How can I calm down! Eddie: (pushes Richie's head into the full sink) That ought to help. (Richie punches Eddie back. A fight ensues. They eventually stop hitting each other) Richie: Look, stop Eddie. Stop. We've got to regroup before the inspector comes round. When did they say he was arriving? Eddie: Today! Richie: Today? Oh my God! Quick, we don't have much time to get rid of the evidence. (Doorbell rings) Agh! He's here! Eddie: Quick, you get rid of all this stuff. (Doorbell rings again) Richie: Where will I put them? Eddie: I dunno, but hurry up. (Richie starts gathering up all the expensive goods. Doorbell rings again. Somebody knocks at the door, heavily) Voice: (off screen) Open up! It's the DSS Inspectorate! Open up! Richie: Well, don't just stand there. Go and barricade the door! Stall him for a while. Eddie: I would, but all the nails are missing. I've got my hammer. I can whack him over the head. Richie: What, and get done for murder as well as fraud? Eddie: So you think it's a bad idea then? Richie: Of course it's a bad idea, Eddie! Look, hurry up and do something! (Eddie leaves. Richie shoves his armful of goods into the fridge and slams the door and starts picking up more goods) SCENE 5 The hallway outside of the lounge, just next to the front door. The door is closed. Eddie is waiting by the door. The doorbell is being rung continuously now. Voice: Open this door! This is the DSS Inspectorate! Open it immediately! Eddie: (in a "far off" voice) Coming! Coming! (Door is being hammered upon. The hinges are beginning to give way. Eddie sees this and is attempting to calm himself down) Coming. Coming. Hang on! I'm opening the door now! Hang on! (Eddie opens the door. A suited man with briefcase, sunglasses and black hat stands in the doorway. Coolant from the busted fridge billows around the man - giving an eerie vision) Er, hello. You must be.. Man: Bollocks. Of the DSS Inspectorate. Eddie: Well, I can't let you inside until I see some identification. Bollocks: Here is my ID. (produces police-style ID and shoves it in Eddies face) Escort me inside. Eddie: Look, what is this all about? Bollocks: Did you know there is a mangled fridge on your stairs? Eddie: No. Bollocks: Do not lie. It is your fridge. I shall pass on these details to the Environmental Investigation Department. (Bollocks coughs mightily - the coolant was getting into his lungs. Eddie has a great stalling idea) Eddie: Er, wouldn't you like to use the bathroom first? You know, get freshened up? Bollocks: Have you any illicite items in the bathroom? Eddie: No. Bollocks: I do not believe you. I shall check. This is the bathroom? (pointing at door) Eddie: Yes, but.. Bollocks: Thank you. (Bollocks kicks the door in and enters the bathroom) SCENE 6 The bathroom. It is typically messy, but not that bad - probably cos Eddie hasn't used it yet. (Bollocks is searching everywhere. He looks in the cabinet, dropping toothbrushes etc on the floor) Eddie: Look, I don't know what your game is, mate, but I've done nothing wrong. Bollocks: We have all done something wrong. Eddie: Well, go an arrest yourself then! (Bollocks pulls the cabinet off the wall and smashes it to pieces in his quest for evidence) Look, you can't do this! (Bollocks grasps Eddie's tie and pulls him up to eye level. Eddie chokes and gasps) Bollocks: I have been ordered to investigate fraud, and that I will do, Sir. It would be in your best interests to avoid interfering in my investigation. (Bollocks releases Eddie) Eddie: It's Richie you want. Bollocks: It is both of you I want. I just have to find enough evidence. Personally, I'd string both of you up but the courts took a dim view the last time I did that. (Bollocks tears off the bath panel and searches under the bath. Eddie runs out of the bathroom) SCENE 7 The lounge. Everything is as before except that all the expensive consumer goods have been cunningly hidden in the fridge, behind cushions and behind the telly. (Eddie enters, in panic) Richie: Oh well done Eddie. What a spectacularly good bit of stalling that was! Eddie: He's a bloody nutter! Have you got rid of the stuff? Richie: I've hidden everything. He'll never find them. What's all that smashing sound? Eddie: He's smashing the bathroom up! He's insane! (Bollocks enters, holding a plastic bag) Bollocks: Good afternoon, Gentlemen. I found this (holds up bag) behind the bath. Richie: Really? I've never seen it before. It's Eddie's! (Eddie looks shocked) Eddie, have you been defrauding the wonderful DSS again? Eddie: What? No I'm not! That bag is Richie's! (Bollocks empties the bag - it contains food, money and small plastic packets containing white powder) Bollocks: You seem to have broken a number of regulation. Edible items stored in an unhealthy place. Masses of money which, given your present circumstances as unemployed means that you have been either involved in fencing.. Richie: (unctuously) I don't play any sports, Mr Bollocks, sir. Bollocks: ..stolen goods or you have been defrauding the DSS using stolen girocheques. (Eddie looks very worried) Also, these packets contain crack cocaine. Eddie: You've planted it on us, you bastard! Richie: Eddie, Eddie. If you've got a drug habit, have got masses of stolen money then you'll have to find somebody to help you. Eddie: Look, I've never seen any of that before in my life! Look, we can't afford anything here! We're poverty stricken! Bollocks: Is that a GameBoy on the floor? Eddie: No. Bollocks: (picking up broken GameBoy) It says "GameBoy" on it. Eddie: Oh that! Yeah, that's mine. Er, I mean, Richie's. Bollocks: (to Richie) Rather expensive items, aren't they Sir? Richie: Well, we got that for 10p at a market as it's broken. See, look, all the bits are hanging out.. Bollocks: Hmmm. You seem to have a new fridge, Sir. Oddly installed. Is it new? Eddie: Er, no. It's years old. Bollocks: Why is it upside down then? Richie: It's upside down because it exploded this morning.. Eddie: That's right, it exploded and flipped over! Richie: Yes, and look at how burnt it is. It showing its age, Eddie. Eddie: Yeah, terrible. We'll have to go without a fridge now, Richie, cos we can't afford to replace it. (Bollocks opens the fridge and notices it's full of consumer goods) Bollocks: Why is it full of expensive goods? Both: What? Bollocks: Well, here's a camcorder, a video recorder, a walkman, a portable CD player, a handheld colour television, a.. Eddie: You planted it on us! Bollocks: It looks like I shall have to ask you to come down to the DSS tomorrow morning for an interview to re-assess your benefit eligibility. Richie: No! You can't do that! We've got rights! You just can't barge in here, plant all these things on us and then cut off our dole! Bollocks: So, nine thirty tomorrow. Goodbye Gentlemen. (Bollocks marches out) Richie: (shouting) You fascist! You're not going to get away with this! You can't harass innocent unemployed people! This isn't Russia, you know!! (sigh) Oh, Eddie. What have we got ourselves into? Eddie: Well, a mess. A big mess, actually. Richie: (sarcastically) Ooh! Give that man an award for his insight! Eddie: (excitedly) What have I won? (Richie whacks Eddie. Eddie falls over) Richie: That! I knew it was a terrible idea to apply for benefits 10 times under different names! (Eddie gets up) Eddie: Well, you didn't complain when you had a nice CD player. Richie: No. Eddie: Or that very nice handy colour telly. Richie: No. Eddie: So you're just as much guilty as I am. Oh, I almost forgot.. Richie: What? (Eddie whacks Richie. A fight ensues. They end up throwing expensive consumer goods at each other across the room. They all get broken) SCENE 8 The DSS Reception. Very drab and boring, like all government offices. A line of people stretch into the distance, nobody talking and everybody looking like death. One of those stupid "ticket" machines stands next to the entrance. The receptionist, behind a toughened glass screen, file's her nails. (Eddie and Richie enter. Both are looking worried) Eddie: Well, here we are. Death row. Richie: Oh, Eddie. You always look on the gloomy side of things. I'm sure that once we explain that we were harassed by Bollocks they'll leave us alone. Yeah. They're bound to. Eddie: Really? Richie: Of course. We might even get some compensation out of them for wrongful arrest and malicious whateveritis. Like the Birmingham Six. They're rich now, you know. Eddie: But they spent 16 years in jail, Richie! Richie: Ah. Well, "The Hammersmith 2" sounds rather good, doesn't it? (Eddie goes up the the reception desk. The window has a red warning sticker on it, which says "Do not touch the window!") Eddie: (to receptionist) Hello? Hello? (no response) Hey!! Hoi!! (Eddie waves his arms about) Cooie!! Richie: Eddie! You're showing us up! Just knock politely on the window. Eddie: Okay. (Eddie bangs on the window. An alarm immediately starts to ring, and Eddie almost loses his hand when the security grill falls down. Klaxons start to ring and the area is lit by an eerie red light. The other "customers" panic and run out screaming) Richie: Bloody hell, Eddie! What've you done?? Eddie: (shouting) What? Richie: What? (Without warning the alarms stop, the lights go back to normal and the grill rises. The woman behind the window looks furious!) Eddie: Well, at least we've got her attention. (To woman) Hello, we've got an appointment or something. Richie: (to Eddie) And the queue as disappeared. Fiendish. Receptionist: You fool! You've made me split a nail! Eddie: Oh dear. Look, can you help us? Receptionist: Get a ticket and stand in line. (she goes back to filing her nails) Eddie: A ticket? Where from? Richie: What about that ticket machine there? (they go over to the machine) Richie: Ah yes, it's one of those hi-tech ones, Eddie. You press the button for whatever service you require. (Eddie makes a leering face) No, Eddie! No! Look, (reading) "Enquiry, signing on, new claimants, interviews" Aha! That's the one. Interviews. Eddie: Why has it got a skull and crossbones on it? Richie: Dunno. Maybe the interviewer used to work in the navy or something. Anyway, get us a ticket. (Eddie presses the button. Nothing happens) Eddie: It's not working, Richie. Richie: Oh, get out of the way, Eddie. You just don't have the knack, do you? Let me do it.. (Richie depressed the button - and keeps it depressed. Hundreds of tickets spurt out of the slot.) Ooh! Ooh! Bloody hell, Eddie! What's wrong with the thing?? (They panic and grab one and run off) SCENE 9 The interview office. It is almost tidy, apart from a few document folders stacked in piles. An uncluttered MFI-style table sits next to the window, through which we can see some derelict ground. (The door opens and Eddie, Richie and the Interviewer, Mrs Pugh, enter. Pugh is carrying an intimidating clipboard and has an air about her) Richie: (to Pugh) As I was saying, your worshipness, we were brutally assaulted by one of your investigators.. Eddie: (to Pugh) Yeah, Bollocks. Pugh: (shocked) I beg your pardon? Richie: (to Eddie) Eddie! Don't be so foul! Eddie: No, his name was Bollocks. It was! He showed me his ID! Pugh: Would it come as a surprise to learn that we don't have anybody working for us with the name "Bollocks", Sir? Eddie: Don't you know who he is?? Pugh: No. But it was rather interesting what you said you were here for. Fraud investigation, wasn't it? Very public spirited of you to turn up and say you wish to be investigated for fraud, Mr Hitler. (Richie gives Eddie a withering "what did you go and say that for, you idiot!" look. Eddie shrugs) Eddie: Yeah, well. Richie: (smarmy) I'm just accompanying my friend here. I've nothing to do with his fraudulent behaviour, and furthermore, I.. (Eddie thumps Richie in the bollocks. Richie bends over in agony) Eddie: What my Richard here was going to say was that neither of us, especially not me, have ever even thought about taking money which we weren't entitled. Pugh: Well, you won't mind me investigating a bit, will you? Eddie: Er. Pugh: Sit down, gentlemen. I'll be back in a minute with some interesting files on some 10 or so people who live in your flat. We'll want to discuss this in further detail, won't we? (Pugh leaves) Richie: You bastard! I knew you'd get us into trouble! Eddie: What? I haven't done anything! Richie: Apart from nicking a whole heap of income support forms, filling them in and pocketing all the money. Eddie: Okay. Maybe a tiny thing. Richie: Tiny? Tiny!? We're going to jail, Eddie! Eddie: Oh don't be so melodramatic, Richie. All we have to do is get hold of the files and then she won't have anything to interview us about, will she? Richie: And how do we get the files, Eddie? Eddie: Dunno. Richie: That's a slight flaw in your plan. The only decent plan you've ever come up with was to get drunk all the time. Eddie! What are you doing? (Eddie is rummaging through the files) Eddie: I'm trying to find our files. You keep a lookout at the door for that cow returning, okay? Richie: I still don't think this'll work, Eddie. Eddie: Just look out of the door!! Richie: All right. All right. I'm going. (Richie stands guard while Eddie rips through the files. With a "Ahaha!" Eddie finds their file and waves it at Richie) Eddie: I've got it! Richie: Great! What'll we do with it? (Eddie empties the bin onto the desk and puts the file into the bin. He gets his lighter out of a pocket and sets fire to the file. Smoke billows around) Are you sure about this? Eddie: You worry too much, Richie. I've got everything under control. (Suddenly the sprinklers come on and douse everything. The door bursts open an a sodden Mrs Pugh comes in, very angry) Pugh: What the hell are you doing? Richie: Nothing. Eddie: That's right. Er, the bin just burst into flames and burnt all your files. Richie: Yes, that's right. What a dreadful shame. Looks like we'll have to go now, Eddie... Pugh: Well, that doesn't matter because the files here (waves clipboard) show us that you are claiming for 10 refugees in your flat. Richie: Refugees?? Oh yes, that's right. Yes. The refugees. I thought you said referees. Pugh: On good terms with them, are you? Richie: Oh yes, we get on like a house on fire. Pugh: What are their names then? Richie: What? Pugh: Their names, Mr Richard. You did fill in the Income Support forms. (Eddie looks ashen-faced) Richie: Me? Oh no, I didn't fill them in. It was... (realises what Eddie's done) Eddie! You bastard! Eddie: Well, my pen slipped, didn't it. Yeah, and the signature ended up looking like yours. Pugh: One of you had better give me their names. Richie: Well, there's Tom, er, Dick,.. Eddie: Harry. Richie: That's right. (sweating) Er, Sam, Mick, er, Hildigarde.. Eddie: (puzzled) Hildigarde?? Richie: Yes. And, er, Sam,... Pugh: We've had Sam already. Eddie: We've got two Sams with us. Pugh: Really.. Richie: Mick... Pugh: And two Micks as well? Richie: Yes. Go on, Eddie. You finish off the list. Eddie: (sweating) Okay. (thinking) Er, Horace and Neville and Tony. Yup, that's the lot. Pugh: That's eleven. Eddie: Er, we didn't claim for, er, Paul cos he was hiding in the cupboard when Richie filled in the forms. That's it. Pugh: I'm afraid that none of those names tally will your form. Eddie: Is that bad? Pugh: Yes, it is. From our investigations we have discovered that nobody apart from yourselves have been seen in you flat. Eddie: There's an explanation for that. Richie: Yes, that's right. They've all gone off on holiday. Pugh: No, I'm afraid that I'm not listening to this rubbish anymore. I shall be cutting off your dole, income support and housing allowances.. Eddie: You can't do that! Pugh: ..and taking court action against you for the money that you have defrauded the department. Richie: But we haven't done anything wrong! Pugh: Goodbye, gentlemen. (Eddie and Richie are escorted out of the room) Richie: (to Eddie) You stupid git! I knew you'd get me into trouble! FADE OUT FADE IN SCENE 10 The hallway outside of the lounge, just next to the front door. The door is open. (Eddie and Richie enter. Eddie is happy, while Richie is depressed) Richie: You've ruined us, Eddie. Why didn't you tell me how you got all that extra money. I mean, it's not much to ask, is it? Eddie: Where'd you think I got that extra 260 quid a week from? Oh cheer up, Richie! Richie: How can I? The best that can happen is that we'll be fined and told to repay all the money. The worst is that we'll get banged up for thirty years, and I'll never ever get a shag. God, that's depressing. And prison, Eddie! I couldn't take it. Plus I'd get all the wrong type of sex as well. God, I hate you Eddie! Eddie: Well, that's not going to happen, is it? We can just sell all the natty goods back, can't we? Then I can flog off those drugs I hid under the bath, and... Richie: What??!! Eddie: What? Richie: What drugs? Eddie: (cursing for mentioning them) Oh, don't worry about it. I just said I'd keep them for Slasher Steve. But you know how he got busted the other week? Richie: Yeah.. Eddie: Well, he won't be wanting the drugs back, will he? So I can just flog them off. Richie: Are you forgetting that Mister Bollocks took them away with him? Eddie: Ah. Richie: Exactly! You really are a numbbrain, d'you know that? Eddie: Well, we can still flog off all the natty goods. SCENE 11 The living room. The place is littered with broken consumer goods, left over from the big fight earlier. (Eddie and Richie enter, smiling. Richie sees the busted goods and gets angry. Eddie hasn't noticed the problem) Eddie: Of course, we'll still have to find a few quid for the fine, but I reckon we'll come out quids in. Just get theeeeesssee.... (Eddie notices the mess) Ah. Oh dear. (Richie whacks Eddie, who goes flying out of the room, into the hall) FREEZE FIN Cast ---- Richie Rik Mayall Eddie Adrian Edmondson Mr Bollocks x Receptionist x Mrs Pugh x