################################
                      #                              #
                      #  THE RETURN OF MY MATE ERIC  #  
                      #                              #
                      ################################


        BY POPULAR DEMAND BOB RECOUNTS SOME MORE TALES OF OF HIS YOUTH
               
               
               

Nearly everyone who wrote to me after the last issue made some sort of 
reference to a story I`d done about a friend of mine called Eric and 
the severely deviant behaviour that he exhibits.Never being one to go 
against public opinion,my mates and I had a bit of a chat in the pub 
at the weekend and remembered a few more of his escapades.This little 
skit involves the habit of vomitting,so if anyone is off a dodgy 
stomach,you have been warned.


When you come to the stage in your life when drinking beer becomes a 
totally consuming passion,it inevitably leads to a proliference of 
puking.Now,some people don`t take too badly with a belly full of beer 
and are quite happy to piss all night and saunter home to sleep it 
off.Eric on the other hand had a terrible habit of being sick with 
drink.In fact he needed to be sick.We`d be playing pool or something,7 
or 8 pints down,and Eric would just say," Oooh,I`ll have to go and be 
sick ".And off he`d go,puke up,and then come back as if nowt had 
happened.Some nights though he`d need to give it the old two fingers 
down the throat or whatever to get the rythm going.One night he`d been 
to the bog and had come back moaning that he couldn`t be sick.He picks 
up one of those plastic tomato sauce sachets from the basket thing on 
the table and scoffs the sauce.Everyone else just looks in amazement 
as he now gets a tartar sauce one and does the same thing." What the 
hell are you doing ",I ask," trying to make myself sick ", comes the 
reply.He goes right through the basket of more than a dozen of these 
sachets of sauce,ripping off the top and eating the sauce.Anyway,it`s 
not working for him but the rest of us are going green just watching 
him with his face covered in bloody sauce.When the sauce is all 
finished,he wipes his face,picks up the pepper pot,whips off the 
lid.tips his head back and pours the pepper right in his gob.Well,
straight away he coughs this humungous hack and fires pepper all over 
the place,everybody is jumping up and falling off their seats,the 
tables about knocked over,drinks spilling everywhere.The pepper rises 
in a huge cloud over the table while Eric is wretching,sneezing,coughing,
farting,blowing bubbles of snot from his nose as he desperately staggers
to his feet and charges off to the bog,what a mess.  
Another night in the same pub we were having a cider drinking 
competition in the games room.Eric`s downed 8 or 9 pints and suddenly 
feels the urge to be sick.He charges off to the bog but as he opens 
the door he`s already clamping his mouth to hold it in.As he lets go 
of his mouth to open the door of the stall it spits out in true Exorcist
projectile fashion and sprays all over the backs of these two elderly 
gents suits who`re standing at the urinals taking a piss.Thrown out 
that time.
Puking up over anyone is a bit of a no-no,but a policeman,yes he did.
We`d been to the pictures one night and had a carry out in the car for 
when the flick finished.As it was summer time and nice and mild,we 
headed down to the beach to scoff our beers.Now being typical 
policemen up our way,they always tried to catch you out when you`re 
young.The policeman had obviously thought that if he came down to us 
with his car lights on he`d give the game away so he must have 
switched them and his engine off and coasted the last wee bit so that 
we wouldn`t hear him coming.Eric`s sitting on the car bonnet leaning 
way back to quaff the last few mouthfuls of his can,when this polis 
appears out of the dark and practically roars," What the hell are you 
lot up to at 2`o`clock in the morning ".Now Eric is not the bravest 
person around and practically shits himself when the copper roars,the 
beer goes down the wrong way and the puke comes walloping up all over 
the said coppers boots and trousers.To say he was rather annoyed would 
be like saying Adolph Hitler wasn`t a very nice chap.It was the first 
time I`d seen anyone going quite such a dark shade of purple as he let 
rip.Unfortunately for him though we weren`t actually doing anything 
wrong so he had to make do with a bollocking,but we were worried for 
a bit.
We nearly lost him once actually when we were walking along the town`s 
sea front.He`d decided he had to be sick and went to go on his hands 
and knees to spew in the harbour.Being a bit wobbly though his hands
went over the low rail and I just caught his belt before he went in 
the harbour.
He did a similar thing another time when he went to be sick over the 
putting green wall and fell over it,falling over onto his back and 
throwing up Old Faithful style vertically.Very messy that one.
In true suspense writing style I`ve saved the best,or worst,till last.
We were going out with two girls at this time and they were probably a 
bit too posh for us really.The one Eric had was the pal of the one I`d 
been going out with and she wasn`t too keen on him.Anyway,we`d been to 
the pub till closing time and then we`d gone for a walk along the golf 
course.There`s this little shelter thing there where all the courting 
couples go for a sha...er..a kiss and cuddle.Each couple had an end of 
the shed each and the first I knew something was wrong was Eric`s 
voice from the gloom saying," I think I`m going to be sick ".I laughed 
and was immediately chastised by my girl and told to go with him.We 
went onto the road in front of the shelter and Eric`s leaning over the 
fence poking his finger over his throat.There was plenty of Blecchh 
type noises coming but that was all." Hurry up Eric for f....goodness
sake ",I`m saying.The girls were so disgusted by now that they`re out 
on the road too getting ready to go.I noticed one of those huge black 
slugs sliding over the top rail of the fence and for a laugh I said to 
Eric to eat the slug.Without the slightest pause Eric picks up the 
slug and sticks it in his mouth.Not content with doing this though,he 
beging to chew the thing.One of the girls very nearly faints,the other 
screams and calls him the most disgusting bastard that she`s ever met 
and I was so amazed I just stood and watched him chewing.Two seconds 
later he`s honking up everything down as far as his kneecaps,so it had 
the desired effect.The girls just took off at the gallop,crying,screaming,
wretching and just generally disappointed with the end of the evening.
Funnily enough girls just don`t seem to appreciate that kind of 
behaviour.

More on Eric next ish.