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$Pretitle{}
$Title{2 1/2 Years to 5 Years:  On Being a Parent}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{
Editors of Consumer Guide
Mendelson, Robert A
Mendelson, Lottie M
Meyerhoff, Michael K
Ames, Louise Bates}
$Subject{2 1/2 Years to 5 Years Parent Parents Parenting adventure excursion
excursions adventures exaggerates exaggerations lies annoying silliness angry
preschooler preschoolers confrontation confrontations discipline misbehavior
education punishment impatient impatience attention sex questions sexual
experimentation sexuality modesty nudity rubbing nail biting nails television
classes stress teach teaching consultant instructor talking reading writing
arithmetic Nursery school kindergarten prekindergarten pet pets responsibility
war toys fight fighting sibling rivalry siblings divorce overnight hospital
hospitals surgery adopted single working quality time PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH
imitative imitation GUILT}
$Log{
The best way to stimulate your preschooler to read is exposing him to books*0050901.tif
Take the time to simply enjoy your preschooler*0054001.tif}

The New Parents' Question & Answer Book


2 1/2 Years to 5 Years:  On Being a Parent


     What can I do to feed my preschooler's desire for adventure?

     Indulging your preschooler's desire for adventure is incredibly easy, as
long as you remember how new and exciting almost everything will be for her.
Simply planning to include your preschooler in any basic excursions around
town will solve a lot of problems in this regard.  Taking her past a
construction site, letting her watch the people in the bank as they go about
their business, visiting the train station, and other such thins will be as
exciting to your preschooler as going to the zoo or an amusement park.  Also,
to the extent that it is appropriate, join in and enhance the adventures that
your preschooler creates for herself.  For example, if she is playing
"pirate," she probably will enjoy having you as a member of her crew.  You
might suggest using your bed as a boat and supply other suitable props as the
story unfolds.


     When my preschooler exaggerates a great deal or even lies on occasion,
how should I respond?

     Keep in mind that exaggerations and lies are part of the behavioral
repertoire of a normal preschooler, so try not to worry too much about this,
and avoid making a big deal out of it.  In fact, if what is involved is
largely unimportant, the best thing to do is to just let it pass.  In
situations where yon feel that your preschooler's statements are distinctly
inappropriate, it is a good idea to talk to her about the need to be accurate
and to tell the truth.  Let her know that you disapprove of her behavior in
such instances, but understand her natural inclinations in this regard and
refrain from punishing her severely.  By supplying a good role model for her,
praising her when she is accurate and truthful, and being patient, you will
see the bulk of this problem resolved within a few months.


     How should I react when my preschooler starts getting really silly?  It
can be terribly annoying at times.

     As is the case with most annoying behaviors, the easiest way to eliminate
it is to simply ignore it.  If your preschooler gets the clear sense that you
are not reacting either positively or negatively and, in fact, aren't even
noticing what she's doing, she probably will diminish her efforts fairly
quickly.  However, you might try to keep in mind that on most occasions, your
preschooler is not attempting to annoy you--she really gets a lot of pleasure
out of silly things at this point.  Therefore, you might consider not only
accepting her silliness, but joining in as well.  You may be surprised by how
easily you can be silly as well.  This is likely to bring an incredible amount
of enjoyment to your preschooler--and possibly provide you with a lot more fun
than you imagined as well.


     Sometimes my preschooler gets very angry and calls me awful names.
Should I allow her to do this?

     It helps to remember that this sort of behavior is typical of
preschoolers.  Therefore, your best bet probably is to simply ignore it and
not give her the satisfaction she is seeking.  Overreacting and giving her a
lot of negative attention will only give her the notion that name-calling is a
powerful tool.  Stay calm, see if you can discover the real root of her anger,
and help her deal with it in an appropriate manner.  By the way, it also helps
to remember that your preschooler loves being silly at this point.  If she
angrily calls you a "stupid potato head," you might try turning it around, and
in a pleasant and joking fashion call her "a crazy zucchini head."  Her
delight in your comeback may overwhelm her momentary ire, and instead of an
unpleasant confrontation, the situation may turn into a fun interaction.


     Lately, it seems as if I'm having constant confrontations with my
preschooler.  Am I doing something wrong?

     Constant confrontations probably stem from two basic sources.  The first
is lack of awareness concerning what you can realistically expect from your
preschooler.  Perhaps it is the case that she is not doing what you want her
to do because she is either incapable of doing so or simply not inclined at
this point.  By adjusting your expectations to her true ability levels, and by
working with the natural interests and preferences of preschoolers, you may be
able to avoid many confrontations.  The second is a tendency that many parents
have to let their preschooler know when she's doing something wrong, but not
necessarily inform her when she's doing something right.  If the only
attention that your preschooler can count on getting from you is negative
attention, then she is more likely to exhibit behavior that will produce it.
If you can remember to give her praise and encouragement when she's being
good, you may see many of these confrontations disappear.


     When my preschooler directly disobeys me or otherwise engages in
intolerable behavior, what's the most effective way to discipline her at this
point?

     In general, particularly at the beginning of this period, temporary
isolation usually works very well.  A good idea is to use a special "time out"
chair and require your preschooler to sit in it for a specific length of
time--a minute for each year of age is a suitable rule of thumb.  It helps to
use a mechanical kitchen timer so she can focus on her "sentence" rather than
become overly anxious.  As your preschooler gets older, you also might try to
use the suspension of privileges or something else that is directly tied to
her misbehavior.  You should also make an effort to explain to her why what
she did was wrong.  Remember, "discipline" should be more "education" than
"punishment," so what you do should be immediate and should provide your
preschooler with a clear sense of logical consequences.  For example, if she
leaves her toys on the stairs, you might prohibit her from playing with those
items for a while; or, if she hits a playmate, you might restrict her to
solitary play for a time.


     When I'm on the phone, my preschooler sometimes gets impatient for my
attention and does everything she can to interrupt.  How should I handle this
situation?

     First, it helps to understand where your preschooler is coming from and
to avoid as many unnecessary confrontations as possible.  If your preschooler
is counting on your attention during a particular part of the day, waiting a
long time for you to finish a phone call can be very hard for her.  Expecting
her to be infinitely patient in such situations is unrealistic.  Therefore, to
the extent that it is appropriate, try to schedule your more lengthy phone
calls during her nap period or later in the evening.  If a long call is
necessary, and your preschooler refuses to cease interrupting, then employing
a disciplinary procedure, such as a stint in a "time out" chair, may be
appropriate.  In any event, try not to "give in" to her demands for attention,
as that will serve to encourage her interruptive activities.  And don't forget
to praise your preschooler at times when you talk on the phone and she doesn't
interrupt.  By the way, keeping a special toy or game close to the phone is a
good idea.  You may be able to avoid a confrontation simply by providing her
with an alternate activity that will keep her busy until you're done.


     How should I respond when my preschooler starts asking me things like
where babies come from and why her body is different from her brother's?

     The "how" part is easy--be unembarrassed, straightforward, and truthful.
The "what" is a little more complicated.  What you tell your preschooler about
sex and related issues should be based on what she is capable of understanding
and what she is willing to accept.  The best place to start is with your
preschooler's questions--let them be your guide.  Explain things simply,
clearly, and specifically, and monitor your preschooler's reactions to see if
what you're saying is getting through and making sense to her.  By the way,
don't be surprised if she doesn't accept your explanations in total at this
point.  Some preschoolers simply are not ready to relate to various concepts
that are involved, and they may prefer to stick with their own notions--such
as the idea that babies are purchased at the supermarket--instead.  If this is
the case with your preschooler, don't push it, and try again when she asks at
a future date.


     How should I respond when I catch my preschooler playing "doctor"?

     Showing curiosity about bodies and their parts is totally normal behavior
for a preschooler.  To a child, one part of the body is very much the same as
another part until they receive adult implications about them.  If you catch
your child playing "doctor," it's best not to overreact; you don't want your
child to feel that she is "good" or "bad" for being curious about these
things.  Redirect her activities and discuss "polite" or "acceptable"
behavior, but stay away from good and bad.  Discuss private parts with her
using terms she can understand, and explain how she should not allow others to
touch her there, and that if anyone does, she should tell you immediately.
Try to be upbeat and matter-of-fact in your explanations, using her questions
as a guide.  You want to encourage her to feel good about her body, but you
also want her to learn about modesty, privacy, and acceptable behavior.


     When we go to the local pool, I take my four-and-a-half-year-old son into
the ladies' locker room to shower with me.  Is it still okay to allow a child
of this age to bathe with the opposite-sex parent?

     The answers to questions regarding modesty and nudity depend largely upon
your philosophy and comfort zone rather than on some absolute right or wrong.
At four and a half years of age, your son is aware of his male identity.  He's
still establishing what that means and will continue to do so for a decade or
two.  In our society, some boys of this age would resent being taken into the
ladies' locker room, and others would not care at all.  You have to make the
choice between taking him in with you or sending him alone to the men's locker
room; at this age, it's not recommended that he go into the men's locker room
by himself.  So if your son feels uncomfortable or embarrassed when you take
him into the ladies' locker room, you'll have to make another arrangement,
such as inviting your husband or an older male sibling or friend to come along
on your outings to the pool.  If your son doesn't mind going into the ladies'
locker room with you, you can continue to take him, unless his presence makes
the other women uncomfortable; after all, you want to teach your son about
considerate and polite behavior as well.  The bathing together, itself, is
also a matter of comfort zones and philosophy, even if it's done in the
privacy of your own home.  When it becomes uncomfortable for either one of
you, put an end to the practice.


     I'm concerned about the amount of time my preschooler spends rubbing
herself.  Should I put a stop to it?

     It's normal to rub wherever and whenever it feels good.  Part of your job
as a parent, however, is to teach your child what is acceptable behavior in
our society and what isn't.  You probably only need to be concerned about this
"rubbing" if it seems to be the only thing that comforts her.  If she rubs
herself continually instead of finding other satisfactory and entertaining
activities, then it's too much.  Have a "what is polite behavior"
conversation.  Plan to help divert her attention and focus to more interesting
things when she begins rubbing.  Try not to pay too much attention to this
activity, however, or she may use it to command your attention whenever she
wants.  Usually, peer pressure takes care of this behavior at preschool.
You'll want to find out if she is rubbing at school and discuss this with her
teachers.  Enlist their cooperation in helping to divert her attention to
other things.  If the "rubbing" doesn't seem to be diminishing, discuss it
with your pediatrician and have your preschooler examined to make sure there
is no physical cause for the activity.


     My preschooler bites her nails.  Should I put bitter-tasting stuff on
them to get her to stop?

     Putting bitter stuff on her nails to curtail nail biting is not likely to
work.  You can talk to your child and tell her why she shouldn't bite her
nails, such as that "it can spread germs" or "it can hurt the fingers"; but
this usually doesn't work either.  Like thumb sucking, nail biting may simply
be a comfort habit for her--something she does when she feels stressed.  And,
as with thumb sucking, it's better to simply ignore it.  You can help her to
quit the habit on her own by helping her keep her nails smooth and filed.
With girls, putting nail polish on the nails can help her feel grown up and
may discourage her from biting her nails.  Be sure to praise her and tell her
how nice her nails look when she doesn't bite them.  If she's biting the nails
to the point of causing bleeding, consult your pediatrician.


     I don't want my preschooler to become addicted to television.  Is this a
potential problem at this point?

     Now that their language, intellectual, and memory skills have grown to
the point where they can recognize characters and follow plots, preschoolers
do become very interested in television programs as well as in stories that
are read to them.  However, television is only one of many activities that
fascinate preschoolers, so it is rare that they become engrossed to the point
of largely excluding everything else--unless, of course, they have few other
opportunities and options available.  The real danger is that watching
television provides all opportunity for relatively quiet, passive
entertainment.  While preschoolers certainly enjoy this sort of thing from
time to time, their parents often find it irresistibly appealing and really
appreciate the break it provides them.  Consequently, the television tends to
be used more and more to keep the preschoolers occupied, and the parents fail
to keep pace in providing and encouraging other types of activities.  In other
words, as long as you do not become addicted to your preschooler watching
television and as long as you provide and encourage other entertainment
options as well, there is no reason to believe that she will want to do it any
more or less than anything else she enjoys doing.  For advice on teaching your
child good television viewing habits, see the following question.


     What can I do to help encourage good television viewing habits for the
future?

     Television, like many other aspects of your child's environment, has the
potential to be either a positive or negative force in your child's
development.  Television programs geared to the interests and mental
capacities of your child can be both entertaining and educational.  Programs
such as Sesame Street and Mister Rogers' Neighborhood (both on PBS) can
introduce your child to new places, people, and animals and can even help her
learn to count and spell.  On the other hand, much of what is shown on
television is geared to an adult audience and can be confusing, inappropriate,
and even detrimental to your child.  For instance, many studies suggest that
watching violence on television can contribute to violent or aggressive
behavior in children.  In addition, excessive television viewing--regardless
of the content--can contribute substantially to obesity in children (and
probably in adults as well) because time spent in front of the tube is not
spent on more strenuous physical activity.  So while television is inherently
neither good nor bad, the effect it has on your child depends, to a great
extent, on how it is used.  And this is where you, as a parent, can play a
major role.  Indeed, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued a policy
statement on "Children, Adolescents, and Television" in 1990 that emphasizes
the need for parents to teach good television viewing habits to their children
very early in life.  Your involvement can help turn television into a
beneficial tool rather than a hindrance.  The following steps can help you
take an active part in determining what role television plays in your child's
development.

1. Provide alternatives to television viewing.  Encourage your child to
   engage in physical activities instead of watching television.  For quiet
   play, provide her with puzzles, books, and arts-and-crafts supplies.
   Whenever possible, include her in your daily chores and errands.
2. Limit the amount of time spent watching television.  The American Academy
   of Pediatrics recommends that you limit your child's viewing time to one to
   two hours daily.
3. Plan in advance the programs to watch.  Try sitting down together on
   Sunday to decide what programs you'll watch for the rest of the week.
   Don't be afraid to turn off the set if a selected program does not turn out
   to be appropriate.
4. Watch television together.  Plan to watch the selected programs together so
   that you can answer her questions and explain confusing or disturbing
   scenes.  Expand on what is shown by talking with her, planning "field
   trips," or providing her with pertinent books or other materials.  If she
   was fascinated by a scene involving the mailman, take her to your local
   post office or supply her with some envelopes and cancelled stamps to play
   with.
5. Set a good example.  Remember, your child wants to be like you.  Your
   lessons about television are likely to have less impact if she sees you
   watching for hours on end or if the set is constantly left on as background
   noise.


     My neighbors have their child on a busy schedule of classes and special
programs that I can't afford.  How can I compensate for my preschooler's lack
of learning opportunities?

     There's nothing for which you need to compensate.  The notion that a busy
schedule of classes and programs provides a preschooler with a lot of special
learning opportunities is erroneous.  There is no evidence whatsoever that
children who have these extraordinary experiences gain any lasting advantages.
On the contrary, there is a growing body of evidence to suggest that they
often suffer severe stress reactions, loss of interest in learning and other
signs of early "burnout."  As long as your preschooler is happy, busy, and
getting lots of love and attention from you at home, you can be assured that
she probably is making the most of her potential.  Although your neighbor's
child may display some apparently impressive behaviors, you can be confident
that your preschooler is getting the kind of sensible, solid educational
foundation that will enable her to equal and probably surpass the other
child's performance in the long run.


     Is there an especially effective way to informally teach my preschooler?

     As always, it is a good idea to serve as a "consultant" rather than as an
"instructor" most of the time.  Motivation on the part of the pupil is a key
ingredient of success, so make sure that whatever "lessons" you are providing
serve to expand and elaborate upon what your preschooler is intensely
interested in at the moment.  Following her lead--by responding to her
questions and monitoring her reactions--will be far more pleasant and
productive than pursuing some formal agenda.  Also, be careful not to push
your preschooler past her abilities.  For instance, even if she shows a strong
interest in tying her own shoelaces, she simply may not be able to get the
hang of it easily.  Waiting and then trying again a few weeks later is likely
to result in success, whereas drilling her on the procedure over and over
probably will not enable her to learn it any faster and may very well be
counterproductive.


     Now that she's talking all the time, is it still important that I make an
effort to talk a lot to my preschooler?

     It certainly is.  First of all, language learning advances at a
significant rate during this period, and your preschooler requires good
grammatical models and constant vocabulary input.  In addition, having
conversations with you will be among your preschooler's favorite activities,
and it would be a shame to deprive her of one of her most reliable sources of
enjoyment.  Finally, talking to your preschooler inevitably will involve
listening to her as well, and this gives you an excellent chance to get a
clear picture of what's going on in her mind.  In dealing with your
preschooler on a daily basis and in helping her develop to the full extent of
her potential, it is important that you have the best information available
about her interests, abilities, and preferences--and there is no better source
of such information than your preschooler herself.


     Sometimes my preschooler asks me a question and I don't know the answer.
Should I make something up?

     Certainly not.  There is nothing wrong with letting your preschooler know
that you are human and don't know everything.  In addition, not being honest
sets a poor model for your preschooler, and any untruths you tell may very
well come back to haunt you later on.  What you can do, if possible and
appropriate, is to invite your preschooler to join you in an attempt to find
an answer to her question.  Consulting various reference books in your home
or, better yet, taking a trip to the local library will be an adventure that
can be extremely enjoyable as well as educational for your preschooler.  By
the way, it helps to keep in mind that your preschooler has a lot of questions
about a lot of things, and a particular stumper may be more important to you
than it is to her.  So, later on, when you've finally discovered the answer,
don't be surprised if your preschooler has already forgotten about her
question and moved on to other interests.


     Occasionally, my preschooler refuses to even try a new task that I'm
confident she can do.  How can I motivate her?

     There is no motivator for preschoolers like success.  If your preschooler
balks at a particular task, perhaps the best thing to do is to see if you can
break it down into smaller, simpler components; then, give her an opportunity
to succeed step-by-step until she has mastered the entire process.  You also
might try "getting her into the mood" by having her perform other tasks that
she enjoys doing and letting her soak up your praise for her accomplishments.
It is possible that the task in question may be invoking some fear in your
preschooler that is not obvious.  Therefore, if she persistently refuses to
make an attempt, it might be a good idea to talk, to her about it and gently
probe for an underlying reason for her distress.  In any event, don't push.
Waiting patiently and then trying again at a later date may be all that is
required.


     I'd like my preschooler to start reading, writing, and doing arithmetic
as soon as possible.  How can I stimulate her to do these things?

     There is no method that has been proven to be effective in "stimulating"
children to learn these things before they are ready.  The best thing that you
can do is expose your preschooler to books, pencils, and other materials in a
pleasant, easy-going atmosphere, and patiently wait for her own motivation to
kick in.  Too many parents misguidedly push too hard in these directions,
often with disastrous results.  Their efforts usually are completely futile at
best, and very counterproductive at worst.  What's more, even in cases where
they seem to manage some success, the results simply are not worth the risks.
Early ability in these areas does not correlate in any way with later
performance during the elementary years.  Even children who eventually are
identified as "gifted" typically did not learn these skills during this
period.


     My school district doesn't offer free nursery school.  Is this an
essential experience for my preschooler?

     Nursery school is one of those "nice but certainly not essential"
elements of the preschool period.  A good nursery school can provide your
preschooler with an assortment of play materials and a ready supply of
playmates.  Consequently, if you can find one that is convenient and
affordable, you probably can count on your preschooler having a good time and
getting many good learning opportunities.  On the other hand, there is no
reason to believe that she won't be able to get an equal amount of enjoyment
and education in your home and neighborhood without this kind of formal
experience.  Sometimes children who attend nursery school learn some special
routines--such as walking single file, raising hands, etc. that definitely
come in handy later on in school; but children who are not exposed to these
routines beforehand ordinarily have little trouble picking them up later on.
If your child does not have access to other children of her age in the
neighborhood, then enrolling her in nursery school or some form of play group
can help provide her with experiences that may make the transition to
kindergarten a bit easier.  By the way, there is no "type" of nursery school
that has proven advantages over any other, so a safe, friendly environment
staffed by warm, caring, upbeat people should be the first and foremost thing
to look for if you decide to enroll your preschooler.


     How will I know when my preschooler is really ready to begin
kindergarten?

     You will not know your preschooler is ready if your in-laws or someone
else says she's ready.  You will not know if she's ready if your neighbor's
child of the same age is ready.  And, you will not know if she's ready by
looking at the calendar.  The time for a child to start kindergarten is when
she is "behaviorally" ready to do so.  Behavioral age does not always
correlate with chronological age, and preschoolers vary widely in this regard.
Many school districts offer prekindergarten screening services to help parents
determine how easily their child will adjust to a kindergarten setting.  If
your district does not offer such services, and even if they do, it might be
wise to visit a kindergarten class, observe what goes on, and then assess how
well the situation fits with your child's current level of interests and
abilities.  If you are unsure, it is better to err on the side of starting too
late rather than starting too early.  Starting her in kindergarten before she
is ready may result in consistent failure and loss of self-esteem, and she may
end up having problems in school from that point on.


     I've been told to buy my preschooler a pet so she can learn
responsibility.  Is this a good idea?

     This may not be a bad idea, as long as you don't expect your preschooler
to take on more responsibility than she actually is able to handle at this
point.  The care and feeding of a dog, for example, involves many things for
which a preschooler may very well not be ready.  So unless you are willing to
assume the bulk of the responsibilities, obtaining a pet of this sort will
only lead to unpleasantness and resentment.  If you want your preschooler to
have primary responsibility for the pet, perhaps it would be better to start
with a fish, frog, or some other terrarium creature that does not require a
lot of complicated attention.  You might even consider beginning your
preschooler's lessons in responsibility with something as simple as a plant.
Of course, you can buy your preschooler a pet without assuming that she will
take immediate and primary responsibility for caring for it.  Your preschooler
probably will derive a lot of pleasure and many learning opportunities from a
dog or cat, and acquiring a sense of the responsibilities involved can come
gradually.


     My preschooler became fascinated with his friend's toy-soldier set, but I
prefer that he doesn't play with war toys.  Is there an appropriate
alternative?

     It is very likely that your preschooler bas become "hooked" on the fun of
manipulating the little figures and imagining all sorts of exciting things for
them to do.  So if you object to the military entering your child's play, you
might try introducing him to similar sets comprised of fire fighters,
paramedics, mountain climbers, astronauts, or deep-sea explorers instead of
soldiers.  However, don't be surprised if he rejects these alternatives or
even uses the alternative figures as substitute soldiers.  Preschoolers are
very prone to engage in dramatic and sometimes violent fantasies, and as a
result, war toys and games have powerful appeal.  You can encourage your
preschooler to channel his energies elsewhere, but be careful not to give him
the impression that you disapprove of his using his imagination in general by
criticizing him harshly for engaging in militaristic activities.


     Is there any way I can at least minimize the fighting and rivalry between
my preschooler and her siblings?

     Keep in mind that the primary source of the rivalry is competition for
your attention.  Therefore, you would be wise to make every attempt to give
each child a significant amount of special, individual attention every day.
This can be a walk around the block, a story session, a cookie-baking lesson,
whatever.  Also, there will be many times when your children will be getting
along, playing together nicely, and serving as excellent companions for each
other, it is critical that you don't forget to give them a lot of positive
attention at such times.  Finally, since some of their confrontations will
concern issues of material possessions, to the extent possible, see to it that
each child is provided with a sufficient supply of her own individual items.
Forcing siblings to share or take turns is likely to be futile, causing more
resentment and rivalry than settling anything.


     It looks like we won't be able to avoid getting a divorce.  How can we
make this as easy as possible for our preschooler?

     Divorce is almost always painful and confusing for preschoolers to a
certain extent, but most specialists on the subject agree that staying
together strictly for the sake of the children usually does more harm than
good in the long run.  On the other hand, they also agree that staying civil
for the sake of the children is essential.  When a mother and father act out
their anger, resentment, and other such emotions through attempts to control
the children, major problems are practically inevitable.  A child who becomes
trapped in a parental tug-of-war or is forced or even encouraged to "choose"
one parent over the other suffers immensely.  Therefore, regardless of the
relationship between you and your spouse, it is a good idea to make every
effort to enable your preschooler to maintain a strong, positive relationship
with both of you.  Reassure her that what is happening is not her fault in any
way, and that even though one or the other parent may be leaving, this does
not mean that she will be losing a mother or father.  Your preschooler is
likely to be concerned about practical matters, so be prepared to answer any
and all questions regarding where she will live, when she will be able to see
the absent parent, etc.  And most important of all, see to it that she
understands that just because her parents no longer love each other, it
doesn't mean that they love her any less.


     My preschooler needs minor surgery.  How do I prepare her for an
overnight stay in the hospital?

     No matter what you do, a hospital stay may still be upsetting for your
preschooler to a certain extent--although you probably will have a tougher
time handling the situation than she will.  As time allows, you can prepare
your preschooler by explaining as much about the procedure as possible and
answering any and all questions she has to the best of your ability.  You
might consider providing her with a pretend doctor's kit so she can go through
some simple routines with her stuffed animals and dolls.  Reading special
story books on the subject may help as well.  Some hospitals even have
educational "tours" for children prior to a planned hospital stay.  Once your
preschooler is admitted to the hospital, see to it that she has several
permitted items from home to serve as a bridge--a favorite blanket, coloring
book, toy, etc.  Spend as much time as you can with her, and ask if you can be
the adult who handles nonmedical routines such as feeding and bathing.  And,
if possible, give your preschooler a chance to explore and become familiar
with her temporary surroundings and the people with whom she will come in
contact so that she will not feel so much like a stranger in a strange land.


     My preschooler is adopted.  When and how should I tell her about this?

     There is no set time or manner for handling this situation.  Usually, it
is best to wait until a preschooler shows some interest in the subject.
However, if you are concerned about her suffering confusion or embarrassment
as a result of someone else informing her inappropriately, you might consider
introducing the subject with a special story book.  Explain the circumstances
of her adoption to your preschooler in an honest, straightforward fashion,
using her questions to guide you in adjusting your explanation to her level of
understanding.  The key things to convey are how much you wanted her, how much
you have loved her from the day of the adoption, and how you will continue to
love her always.  Avoid using phrases like "even though you are adopted" or
anything else that implies that there is something inherently second-class
about an adoptive relationship, even if that obviously is not your intention.
And be prepared for your preschooler to come back with another round of more
sophisticated questions at a later date.


     I'm a single, working mother and am finding it hard to have enough energy
left for my child at the end of the day.  How can I spend quality time with my
preschooler with this schedule?

     It's very difficult to work all day and still have enough energy left to
spend with an active preschooler.  Keep in mind, however, that spending
quality time with your child in the evening doesn't have to mean hours of
chasing her around the house, playing ball, and doing other physical
activities.  You can reserve those types of activities for weekends or for
days when you're not quite so tired.  Spending quality time with your child at
the end of the day can simply mean sharing some time with her alone, without
other people and, hopefully, without the phone or door bell ringing.  It can
be quiet time when you talk to her about how her day was, what she did, how
she feels, etc. or read her a bedtime story and help her get ready for bed.
Your preschooler is old enough to understand that parents have to do a lot of
things.  She's more likely to be accepting of the situation, however, if she
can really count on special time with you alone.  You can even allow your
child to choose some outing or treat once a week or on the weekend.  As long
as you let her know that you consider her special and always save some time
for her alone, you'll be giving her quality time.


PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH

     Teaching your preschooler proper safety procedures will be a lot easier
and more effective if you remember to practice what you preach.  Keep in mind
that during this period, your preschooler will be trying to "be like you" as
much as she can, and you will be able to use her imitative inclinations to
great advantage.  For example, if you always buckle your seat belt before
putting the car in motion, if you always put on a helmet before picking up a
baseball bat, if you always cross the street at the corner, etc., your verbal
instructions to your preschooler will be powerfully reinforced.  Of course,
there will be a number of instances where it will be necessary for you to do
something that your preschooler is prohibited from doing--lighting the
barbecue grill, for example.  However, if you routinely divide the world into
things that adults are allowed to do and other things that children are
required to do, you will give your preschooler the impression that ignoring
proper safety procedures is a privilege that comes with age.  As a result, you
may find yourself having to constantly remind her to heed your instructions;
and when you are not around, you can expect that she will attempt to "act like
a grown-up" more often than she will follow your previous warnings.  On the
other hand, by setting good examples for her, you can help ensure that when
she tries to "be like you," she'll be acting safely.


DON'T FORGET TO ENJOY YOUR PRESCHOOLER

     Raising children inevitably involves a certain number of problems.  The
responsibilities of parenthood also bring a certain number of pressures to
bear on mothers and fathers.  Parents can easily be overcome by these problems
and pressures.  This is especially true during the preschool period, as the
physical and mental capacities of their child grow to impressive--and often
imposing--levels, and as their child starts taking substantial steps away from
the relative security of home toward the challenge--and sometimes
uncertainty--of the outside world.  Therefore, it is important for you to keep
in mind that this is also a period when being a parent can be extremely
pleasurable and rewarding.  You can't forget to take the time and make the
effort to simply enjoy your preschooler.  Your preschooler will be looking at
many things for the very first time, and if you allow yourself to look at
these things through her eyes, they will become just as new and exciting for
you.  Your preschooler will be exercising her imagination and engaging in a
variety of silly behaviors, and if you allow yourself to join in on her
activities, you will be able to experience the simple fascination and fun of
"being a kid" yourself.  It is your responsibility to be your preschooler's
guardian, teacher, and disciplinarian, but it also is your privilege to be her
cohort, playmate, and friend.


MAKING THE GUILT GO AWAY

     Suffering guilt is as inevitable a part of parenting as changing diapers
and kissing boo-boos.  No matter how proficient you are at child rearing,
there will be times when you convince yourself that you have done something
wrong, you have not done something you should have done, you are doing too
much, or not doing enough.  A certain amount of guilt can be considered
healthy, in that it helps prod you to become the best parent you can be.
However, if it becomes chronic, the condition can be quite uncomfortable and
counterproductive.  If you find yourself heading over the edge in this regard,
it probably would help to join a parent support group.  Undoubtedly, you will
learn that no one does a perfect job of parenting.  There are no guaranteed
answers for every situation, and we all make mistakes.  The important thing is
to learn from them and simply try to do better next time around.  Furthermore,
as time goes by, you will learn that children are a lot less fragile and a lot
more forgiving than we tend to give them credit for.  Many of the horrible
errors for which you are blaming yourself probably won't even be noticed by
your child.  Even if your child does notice, it is likely that you will go on
punishing yourself for months after she has forgotten completely about them.
When you do make a mistake in behavior or response, apologize to your child.
Remember, it's okay to kick yourself once in a while, but make sure the kick
moves you forward and doesn't leave you languishing in the past.