**** THE SILLY ELECTION    (from Monty Python Live at Drury Lane)	   ****
**** Transcribed 7/14/87 by Jonathan Partington 			   ****
**** ( JRP1%CAM.PHX%UK.AC.CAM.ENG-ICF@AC.UK )				   ****
 
 
(Racy music)
 
Cleese (talking very fast, as do all the commentators):  Hello, good evening
       and welcome to Election Night Special.  There's tremendous excitement
       here at the moment and we should be getting the first results through
       any moment now.	We're not sure where it will be from, it might be
       Leicester or from West Byfleet, the polling's been quite heavy in both
       areas.  Ah, I'm just getting...	I'm just getting...  a buzzing noise in
       my left ear.  Urgh, argh!  (removes insect and stamps on it).  And now
       let's go straight over to Leicester.
Palin: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and we're expecting the
       result any moment now.  There with the Returning Officer is Arthur Smith
       the sensible candidate and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the
       silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife.
 
Idle:	 (clears throat) Here is the result for Leicester.  Arthur J. Smith...
Cleese:  (Sensible Party)
Idle:	 ...30,612.  (applause)
	 Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty...
Cleese:  (Silly Party)
Idle:	 ...33,108.  (applause)
 
Cleese:  Well there we have the first result of the election and the Silly
	 party has held Leicester.  Norman.
Palin:	 Well pretty much as I predicted, except that the Silly party won.  Er,
	 I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast.  Gerald.
Chapman: Well there's a big swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing
	 I'm not going to tell you.
Palin:	 I think one should point out that in this constituency since the last
	 election a lot of very silly people have moved into new housing
	 estates with the result that a lot of sensible voters have moved
	 further down the road the other side of number er, 29.
Cleese:  Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Idle:	 Can I just say that this is the first time I've been on television?
Cleese:  No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just going straight over to
	 Luton.
Chapman: Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered contest between, from left
	 to right, Alan Jones (Sensible Party), Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim
	 Bus Stop F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuit-Barrel (Silly Party), and Kevin
	 Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket.  And
	 here's the result.
 
Woman:	 Alan Jones...
Cleese:  (Sensible)
Woman:	 ...9,112.
	 Kevin Phillips Bong...
Cleese:  (Slightly Silly)
Woman:	 Nought.
	 Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop F'tang F'tang Ole
	 Biscuit-Barrel...
Cleese:  (Silly)
Woman:	 12,441.  (applause)
 
Cleese:  Well there you have it, the first result of the election as the Silly
	 Party take Luton.  Norman.
Palin:	 Well this is a very significant result.  Luton, normally a very
	 sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a
	 bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
Cleese:  And we've just heard that James Gilbert has with him the winning Silly
	 candidate at Luton.
Idle:	 Tarquin, are you pleased with this result?
Tarquin (Palin):  Ho yus, me old beauty, I should say so.  (Silly noises
		  including a goat bleating).
Cleese:  And do we have the swing at Luton?
Chapman: Er... no.
Cleese:  (pause) Right, well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Idle:	 Can I just say that this is the second time I've been on television?
Cleese:  No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just about to get another
	 result.
Palin:	 And this one is from Harpenden Southeast.  A very interesting
	 constituency this:  in addition to the official Silly candidate there
	 is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and he
	 could well split the silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast.
 
Jones:	Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Cleese: (Silly)
Jones:	26,317 (applause).
	Jeanette Walker...
Cleese: (Sensible)
Jones:	26,318...
Cleese: Very close!
Jones:	Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John
	Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle)
	Edward (sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds buzzer)
	Thomas Moo...  (sings) "We'll keep a welcome in the..."  (fires gun)
	William (makes silly noise) "Raindrops keep falling on my" (weird
	noise) "Don't sleep in the subway" (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo...  Smith...
Cleese: (Very Silly)
Jones:	...two.
 
Cleese: Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at Harpenden with the Silly
	vote being split.
Palin:	And we've just heard from Luton that Tony Stratton-Smith has with him
	there the unsuccessful Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong.
Idle:	Kevin Phillips Bong.  You polled no votes at all.  Not a sausage.
	Bugger all.  Are you at all disappointed with this performance?
Bong (Neil Innes):  Not at all.  As I always say:
		    Climb every mountain
		    Ford every stream,
		    Follow every by-way,
		    Till you find your dream.
		    (Sings) A dream that will last
		    All the love you can give
		    Every day of your life
		    For as long as you live.
		    All together now!
		    Climb every mountain
		    Ford every stream...
 
Cleese:  A very brave Kevin Phillips Bong there. Norman.
Palin:	 And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is ill.  Possibly
	 gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh.  Gerald.
Cleese:  Right. Er, Colin?
Idle:	 Can I just say that I'll never appear on television again?
Cleese:  No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to pick up a few results you
	 may have missed.  A little pink pussy-cat has taken Barrow-in-Furness
	 -- that's a gain from the Liberals there.  Rastus Odinga Odinga has
	 taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's old constituency
	 -- an important gain there for Darkie Power.  Arthur Negus has held
	 Bristols -- that's not a result, that's just a piece of gossip.  Sir
	 Alec Douglas Home has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party.  A small
	 piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar and two
	 frogs -- one called Kipper the other not -- have all gone "Ni ni ni ni
	 ni ni!"  in Blackpool Central.  And so it's beginning to look like a
	 Silly landslide, and with the prospect of five more years' Silly
	 government facing us we...  Oh I don't want to do this any more, I'm
	 bored!
Palin:	 He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of time.
Chapman: Absolute waste of time.
Palin:	 I wanted to be a gynaecologist...
 
**** end of file ELECTION PYTHON
**** From: JRP1%CAM.PHX%UK.AC.CAM.ENG-ICF@AC.UK
