::::::::::::::::::::::: ::: JUST FOR LAUGHS ::: ::::::::::::::::::::::: Compiled by Effead of the Deviant Designers. Written by an unknown nobody. Top 10 Least Popular Artificial Insemination Clinics. 10. Stop 'n' Pop 9. Aunt Bertha's Baby Batter 8. Jimmy the Greek's Genetic Crap Shoot 7. International House of Zygotes 6. Steve Garvey's Kiddie City 5. Jack-in-the-Box 4. Cher's bedroom 3. Ringling Brothers' Grow-Your-Own- Circus-People 2. The Port Authority 1. McFertilization Top 10 Reason why IRAQ wants a neuclear bomb 10. To impress the babes. 9. Already spent a lot of money on a beautiful leather atomic bomb case. 8. It'll bring in the tourists. 7. Tired of being treated like a second-rate New Jersey. 6. To threaten CBS until they give Brent Musburger his job back. 5. To get Iran to turn down the damn music. 4. Conventional warfare went out with bellbottoms. 3. Just to annoy Dan Rather. 2. Wen some son-of-a-bitch in a Porsche cuts us off on the freeway. 1. Hey! We're a bunch of lunatics who want to destroy the world. So sue us! Top 10 Things that Will Get You Audited 10. Using one of those "love" stamps. 9. Have taxes done by stupid, incompetent H. Block instead of by smart, reliable R. Block. 8. Using the name "Helmsley." 7. Calling IRS hotline and offering $10 a minute to talk dirty. 6. Writing off stranger living in your house as dependent. 5. Including handwritten coupon good for one "super-duper back rub." 4. Sending in pizza crusts instead of restaurant receipts. 3. Writing off purchase of new Tito Jackson album as charitable donation. 2. Claiming hookers as medical expenses. 1. Request filing extension for "until hell freezes over." Top 10 Unsuccessful Lambada Movies 10. Ernest Goes to Lambada 9. Lambada: The Forbidden Phony- Baloney Fake Fad 8. Star Trek V: Lambada 7. Raymond Burr's Lambada in 3-D 6. Lambada: It's Spanish for "Polka" 5. Zorro Acts Swishy 4. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Lambadinator 3. The AAA Pesents: Defensive Driving the Lambada Way 2. Godzillambada 1. Lambada: The Dance No One's Actually Doing Top 10 Signs Your Kid Is a Loser 10. Neighborhood kids trade and collect his teeth. 9. Sobs uncontrollably every time he sees that "Hey Vern" guy. 8. Constantly using the phrase "Okie- dokie." 7. Turns you in to mall cops for parking in handicapped spot. 6. Turned down for date by Cher. 5. Tries to start the wave while watching game on TV. 4. Pesters Eddie Albert at "Green Acres" conventions. 3. When he grows up, wants to be "just like Dave." 2. Is U. S. Vice President. 1. Tends to sit in the backyard and eat crickets. Top 10 Things to expel you from the AAA MotorClub 10. Asking to test drive the AAA receptionist. 9. Vomiting in a toll-booth change basket. 8. Using the word "Fahrvergnugen" at any time. 7. Selling secret handshake to Soviets. 6. Repeatedly adjusting seatbelt to provide erotic stimulation. 5. Calling up the office and asking, "AAA? How do you spell that?" 4. Lewd use of service station air hose. 3. Insisting AAA motel guidebooks include Dave's house. 2. Standing up at a meeting and shouting, "I've got a pocketful of red hot lug nuts!" 1. Having personalized license plate reading, "I LUV EBERT." Top 10 Hubble Space Telescope Excuses 10. The guy at Sears promised it would work fine. 9. Some kids on Earth must be fooling around with a garage door opener. 8. There's a little doohickey rubbing against the part that looks kind of like a cowboy hat. 7. See if you can think straight after 12 days of drinking Tang. 6. Bum with squegee smeared lens at red light. 5. Blueprints drawn up by that "Hey Vern!" guy. 4. Those damn raccoons! 3. Shouldn't have used G.E. components. 2. Ran out of quarters. 1. Race of super-evolved galactic beings are screwing with us!!!!! Top 10 Exhibits at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 10. Michael Jackson's original nose. 9. Diorama of Pink Floyd trashing a Holiday Inn. 8. The childproof cap Elvis couldn't open. 7. The mint green shorts worn by Richard Simmons in "Sweatin' to the Oldies." 6. The Life of Mark Goodman: From MTV Veejay to Former MTV Veejay. 5. The record company weasel petting zoo. 4. Great moments with Mr. Mister. 3. Get the hell off the stage! -- a tribute to opening acts. 2. Lizard that sings "Blueberry Hill." 1. Ride tbe wild Cher!!! TYPES OF MEN YOU MEET IN WASHROOMS 1. EXCITABLE TYPE - Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in temper. 2. TIMID TYPE - Cannot pee if someone is watching, pretends he has peed and sneaks back later. 3. SOCIABLE TYPE - Joins friends in a pee, whether he wants to or not, says it does'nt cost anything. 4. INDIFFERENT TYPE - All urinals occupied, pees in sink. 5. NOISY TYPE - Whistles loudly, peeks over partition to see other guys weapon. 6. CLEVER TYPE - Pees without holding tool, adjusts tie at the same time. 7. FRIVILOUS TYPE - Plays stream up, down, and across, and tries to pee on flies. 8. ABSENT-MINDED TYPE - Opens waistcoat, takes out tie and pees in pants. 9. WORRIED TYPE - Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, but makes close inspection of tool. 10. DISGRUNTLED TYPE - Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee but fails. 11. PERSONALITY TYPE - Tells jokes while peeing, shakes off tool with a flourish. 12. SNEAKY TYPE - Drops silent fart, sniffs, looks around at the next guy. 13. LEARNED TYPE - Reads book while peeing, wets finger with urine to turn page. 14. SLOPPY TYPE - Pees down pants into shoe, walks out with fly still open. 15. CHILDISH TYPE - Looks at bottom of urinal while peeing to see bubbles. 16. STRONG TYPE - Bangs tool on side of urinal to shake off drops. 17. PRECISE TYPE - Pees straight down hole, likes to hear thundering sound. 18. TALKATIVE TYPE - Cannot stop conversation with chap he came in with, even if not standing next to him, leans across and pees in next guys pocket. RULES OF THE JOHN By RALPH 1. If the John is engaged, cross your legs.... Count to 10 and..... PRAY 2. Peeking through the keyhole or cussing out occupant - strickly forbidden. 3. Be sure lid is open and seat is in place before action begins. 4. In awkward or embarrassing moments, flush properly and spray profusely. 5. Reading of newspapers, magazines, and comics while sitting on the throne is limited to 5 minutes (Playboy etc., 7 minutes.) 6. Gentlemen are required to stand well forward - It may be shorter than you think. 7. We aim to please, so you aim too, PLEASE! 8. Painting on walls not permitted even if complimentary. 9. Playing fairies in the John prohibited. 10 Streaking out of the this John is not allowed (Except after midnight). 11 The John is open '24' hours a day - It's as tired as you are. So treat it kindly. 12 Fire Department regulations restrict occupancy to no more than 14 persons at one time. 13 Unlucky.... Skip this one. 14 Don't rise from the seat until your mission is accomplished! Thank You The Management To All Employees: In view of numerous inquiries, the Management has been asked to state Company position on STREAKING. Management has adopted the following: 1. Streaking will be permitted as follows: A. Female employees wil streak on odd days B. Males on even days C. On payday all employees may streak, subject to the restrictions given in items 2 thru 10. 2. Girls who have tatoos on the lower half of their bodies, such as 'sock it to me' or 'what you see is what you get' will not be permitted to streak. (Due to inspection regulations) 3. Men with tatoos, such as 'let it all hang out' will not be permitted to streak. Also, men with tatoos of butterflies, or roses or elves will streak with females. 4. Junior Executives may carry their briefcases while streaking, however, the usual rule applies - they may never carry business papers, but may carry the usual, such as a box of kleenex, lunch, wife's shopping list and Penthouse magazines. 5. Girls with bust size larger than 36B must wear a bara while in shop area or around any moving machinery. Girls smaller than 36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra. 6. If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear two hair nets. These will by available in the vending machine by the cafeteria. 7. In the event your physical make-up is such that your sex cannot by determined (such as flat chest for girls) you must wear a tag stating 'I am a boy' or 'I am a girl'. Tags will be attached on girls with hair pins or paper clip; on boys with a rubber band. 8. Girls may wear jewelery while streaking, but in no event should they bend over to retrieve it should it fall. (Due to insurance regulations) 9. No female beyond her seventh month of pregancy or those wishing to become pregnant may streak. 10. No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks. THE MANAGEMENT The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of the accidents in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. - Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree that I don't have. - The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. - I thought my window was down, but found out it wasn't when I put my head through it. - I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. - A track backed through my windshield into my wife's face. - A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. - The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. - I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. - In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. - I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. - I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. - I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. - As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever been before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. - To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. - An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. - I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. - I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. - The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. - I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. - The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. - I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows. - The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my car. - My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. :::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::: DOUBLESIDING PAPER ::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::: The good news is that, due to rising sales of computers, the price of diskettes is falling. The bad news is that the near future is likely to bring higher prices for paper supplies. However, if you still use the old No.2 bonded lead wordprocessor, I have some useful information. YOU CAN DOUBLE-SIDE YOUR NOTEBOOK PAPER! Although paper manufacturers only certify the "front side" of a piece of paper, it is a little known fact that the back side is capable of holding the same amount of information. You too, can use the back side of your paper. But before you do, I must inform you that there are mixed feelings about doing so. Paper manufacturers are quick to point out that writing on the back side of the sheet could cause problems for the data on both sides of the paper, and that they will not honour warranties if the back side has been used. The biggest problem is "write through". This occurs if the wrong pencil or pen is used, or if too much pressure is applied during the writing process. There is also a problem with standardization. Some users turn the paper upside-down when writing on the back, while others leave it right- side-up. (If the paper is held upside- down during the reading process, it will be in the wrong orientation to the "head", and a read error will occur.) Also many school teachers, publishers and governmental offices frown upon the practice of using the back of the paper, and will not accept material if both sides of the paper have been used. Students and other paper users however, claim they have used the back of many thousands of pages with little or no loss of data. A few go so far as to claim there is a conspiracy among paper manufacturers, merchandisers and public officials to discourage the use of the backs. You must decide for yourself if you will use the back side of your paper. But if you decide to give it a go, here's how. Look at the sheet of paper. You can tell the front by several different methods. First, the row of alignment holes go towards the left. Secondly, the watermark (if present) can be read if you hold the paper up to the light. To double-side a sheet, turn it over and examine the back. Look especially for flaws and defects. If the overall appearance is satisfactory, then with a ruler and pen, mark the hole locations on the proper side. (You should try this initially with paper containing no valuable data.) Use a regular hole-punch to make the holes. (You can purchase one at a department store, but I don't recommend that you tell them what you intend to use it for.) Your paper is now double sided. Good luck if you decide to try it... ::::::::::::::::: ::: A BAD DAY ::: ::::::::::::::::: You know you are having a BAD DAY when: When your TOOTHPASTE taste FUNNY, and you look at the TUBE, and its PREPERATION H!. When you discover that you just SPRAYED your UNDERARMS with HAIRSPRAY! When you go outside and notice you have a FLAT, and the SPARE is also FLAT!. When you stop for gas, and you FILL up the CAR, and then find that you left your WALLET at home!. When you stop to buy CIGARETTES and you later find out that they gave you a PACK of NON-FILTER CIGARETTES!. When you put 50 cents in the PARKING METER and the NEEDLE doesn't MOVE!. When you walk into a room full of LADIES and notice your ZIPPER is OPEN!. When you go to the BATHROOM and find out there is no TOILET PAPER, and you have to come back out like DON JOHNSON of MIAMI VICE (no socks!). When you put your MONEY in the COFFEE MACHINE and the COFFEE comes out, but no CUP!. When you drive 30 miles to the nearest CONSUMERS DISTRIBUTING to get an item and they DON'T have it in STOCK! When you get out of BED in the MORNING and feel something WARM between your toes, and then realize you forgot to take the DOG out for a walk last night!. When you TURN ON your AMIGA and insert the WORKBENCH DISK and the HAND on the screen just stays there!. When you notice at 1:00 in the morning, you DON'T have anymore CIGATETTES, and your wife EMPTIED all the cigarette buts into the toilet before going to bed!. When after 3 hours of trying, you finally CONNECT to your favorite BBS and the POWER GOES OFF!. That's all folks.....