But seriously, Unabomber, you
could do worse than surrender
yourself to The Netly News (tm).
Pathfinder may not allow us to
publish dirty pictures or
bathroom talk, but we can offer
you everything else that the
Gooch promised--an audience of
billions who will chortle
appreciatively at your
"manifesto," an endless supply of
hooded sweatshirts (emblazoned
with the Pathfinder "Love Boat"
insignia) and a standing
invitation to dine with us at
Chef Ho's House of Dumplings
where you can order anything you
want on the luncheon menu.

   What's in it for us? We need the
hits. Also, we think you have a
really important message that
should get out. We hate
technology too, Unabomber. Our
Macs crashed, like, six times
today. Also, Noah has this old
camp trunk filled with
firecrackers-M80s, Lady Fingers,
Roman Candles, Sizzlers,
Screamers, Simian Howlers,
everything-which he's always been
too chicken to set off. Maybe you
could have a look and tell us if
they're still good? This would
probably take a guy like you only
about two seconds and then we
could go to lunch. (Little Bit of
Everything Soup? This is the
best.)

   The Goochinator claimed that he
could give you "precisely the
audience you desire." But you
know and we know that his
audience is only interested in
one thing--and it's not how the
technological-industrial complex
has robbed us of our humanity.
Here at The Netly News, on the
other hand, we cater to a
different crowd. Your kind of
crowd, Unabomber. Highly educated
and opinionated, not afraid to
wear photo-sensitive aviator
glasses with a hooded sweatshirt,
people who understand how hard
you've worked to etch your
initials on all those tiny pieces
of metal.

   FC--do you mind if we call you
FC?--now would be the perfect
time to surrender to the
receptionist on the 37th floor of
the TIME-Life Building. This
incident on Monday--what was that
all about? A copycat? The heat is
coming down on you. Come in from
the cold.

Today's Netly News