DP Tool Club 8

home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search

/ DP Tool Club 8 / CDASC08.ISO / VRAC / RAH9309.ZIP / RAH9309.TXT < prev next >

Wrap

Text File | 1993-09-01 | 59.9 KB | 1,357 lines

R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH! Volume 0 Number C September 1993 A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world. Editor: Dave Bealer Member of the Digital Publishing Association Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - The First Year in the Life of RAH......................01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................03 The War Profiteer..................................................04 The Short Lived Mutiny.............................................05 1-800-CRA-SHED.....................................................07 A Public Service Announcement......................................09 Online Entertainment Tonight.......................................10 Full Contact Aerobics, Japanese Style..............................11 Soap Opera.........................................................12 The Canonical List of Canonical Lists..............................14 RAH Humor Review: John Cleese on How to Irritate People............15 Announcements......................................................16 Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................16 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2 Random Access Humor Page 1 September 1993 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - The First Year in the Life of RAH by Dave Bealer RAH was officially launched on September 1, 1992. There wasn't much ceremony attached to the debut, the first issue simply trickled out the modem to the other four official distribution sites. Trickle is the word, too; The Puffin's Nest (TPN) only sported a 2400bps/MNP5 modem at the time. Much has changed in the last twelve months. TPN now boasts a U.S. Robotics HST/Dual Standard modem capable of up to 16800 bps. RAH now flies out the modem to over fifty official distribution sites and two major file echoes. For the last few months RAH has been available on the Internet. The sketchy demographics provided by the 17 responses received from the 1993 RAH Reader Survey indicate that well over 1000 BBSs carry RAH every month. Furthermore, the download statistics I've seen indicate the monthly RAH readership falls in the 5,000 - 10,000 person range. This is quite an accomplishment for just one year. A review of the first twelve issues reveals both good and bad news about this experiment known as RAH: Good News: 1) The writing is getting better. While none of the RAH contributors is a professional writer, the quality of writing improved in later issues. 2) The readers are enjoying the experience. Considering the trouble many of them are going to in an effort to obtain their monthly RAH "fix," it seems obvious they are enjoying the magazine. Random Access Humor Page 2 September 1993 Bad News: 1) There are not enough writers interested in contributing to RAH. Only five people authored all the original humor published in the first 12 issues of RAH. About the same number of people sent in non-original material. Only three original works were rejected in the past year! The author of one of those may still bring the work up to an acceptable level. RAH can't go on indefinitely this way. I'm still having a good time writing and publishing RAH, but that can't last forever. We need new blood to help RAH continue to grow. There have to be *some* talented humorists out there willing to have their work published in a free, non-paying magazine like RAH which offers international exposure. In any event, I will continue on with RAH until I tire of it, which may take years. - - - On a happy note, Muffy Mandel returns this month to resume her duties as ace investigative reporter for RAH. Muffy spent two months in an "Honesty in Journalism" program at the Swords to Ploughshares School for Radical Thought in Big Sur, California. This program involved, among other things, quite a bit of surfing. Unfortunately her new found honesty made Muffy totally useless as an investigative reporter. She has just returned from several months of deprogramming at the Woodward-Bernstein School of Journalistic Realism in Waco, Texas. - - - As mentioned last month, the "Best of RAH" hypertext book has been delayed. The reason is simple. When RAH began last year, my intent was to publish 12 issues per volume, one a month. The volumes would be numbered from zero and the issues in each volume would be numbered from 0 through B using the hexadecimal numbering system. This would result in a "Best of RAH" book each year, making it an annual affair. Difficulties this Summer have proved that getting out 12 issues of RAH each year is just not practical. Final details have not been set as yet, but RAH will be published only 9 or 10 times each year from now on. This wrecks the "annual" idea since the diminished number of issues would not provide enough material for a reasonably large book. One of my colleagues mentioned the idea of using all of the numbers in the hexadecimal system for issue numbers, resulting in sixteen issue volumes. This makes a weird kind of sense from a RAH point of view, so I decided to adopt this plan. Therefore, Volume 0 of RAH will include the issues from September 1992 (Vol. 0, No. 0) through December 1993 (Vol. 0, No. F). Volume 1 will start with the January 1994 issue (Vol. 1, No. 0), and continue until sixteen more issues have been published. See the Announcements section for further info about the first "Best of RAH" book. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Starting this Fall - Saturday mornings on the Lox Network: Carney the Carnivorous Dinosaur He's big, he's bad, he's fuchsia! Most of all, he's hungry! Random Access Humor Page 3 September 1993 Lettuce to the Editor Dear Dave, Congratulations on your first year of bringing wit and humor to the online computer world, and hope that there are many more to follow! @ | # ***#*** *** # *** *** # *** ** ~ ** * H A P P Y * * B I R T H D A Y * |** **| | *** R A H *** | | *** *** | * ******* * ** ** *** *** *** *** ******* -Ray Koziel P.S. I tried uploading a piece of cake to you but the candles jammed up the hard drive, so I guess this will have to do. - - - - - - - - - Hi Ray, Thanks for note, it is definitely appreciated. I can only assume that is supposed to be a birthday cake. To tell the truth, it startles me every time I scroll down to this page. It must be a personal problem. DB --------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between IBM and Jurassic Park? A: One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a movie. - - - - - - - - - Q: What has four legs and an arm? A. A happy pit bull. Random Access Humor Page 4 September 1993 The War Profiteer by Dave Bealer It was the last decade of the twentieth century. Vicious long distance telephone service sales wars raged across the face of North America. As in most fields disrupted by the deregulation craze of the 1980s, the ensuing confusion created winners and losers. The "little guy" was, as usual, the loser (Arnold Jensen of Ponca City, Oklahoma, known to his friends as the "little guy"). The winners were typically those who were in bed with the regulators or, in this case, the deregulators. There were three majors players in this high-tech warfare: American Telecommunications and Pork Barrels (AT&PB) - The inventor of modern telephone and monopoly technology, AT&PB managed to get "split up" into several even more profitable segments, none of which were regulated in the same restrictive way as the old monopolistic, er, monolithic entity. This scheme was designed to provide competition in the marketplace. Sure, that'll work... just like unchaining a fully grown Tyrannosaurus Rex and letting it compete with some newly hatched iguanas. Splint - The communications and health services conglomerate. A product of deregulation, Splint competed by touting quality service. They also managed to profitably combine some of their varied holdings. Splint's Dial-A-Shrink service proved very popular with those mentally ill persons who prefer not to leave the comfort of their own couch. Texas Communications, Inc. (TCI) - Formerly a local service provider in Texas, these guys thought they were bigger and more important than the rest of the country. TCI's splashy ad campaigns reveal the firm's style-over-substance philosophy. One of the major weapons used by all three of these competitors was a rebate offered to those who switched services. As competition mounted, the rebate amounts continued to climb. If a customer dropped Splint for TCI, someone from Splint would be on the phone within five minutes offering him $50 to switch back. Ten minutes later a representative of AT&PB called, offering $75 to switch to their service. Spiraling rebates made it inevitable that someone would figure out how to make a buck out of the deal, that's the way of war. A few crafty long distance customers had a bank of phones installed, quit their regular jobs, and made a good living switching between the various long distance companies. Victor Klam was the most successful of the war profiteers. His firm, The Old Switcheroo, did contract switching for residential customers. Instead of dealing directly with the long distance companies, Victor's clients gave The Old Switcheroo power of attorney to make their long distance service switching decisions for them. The cost was a modest 20% of the rebates generated. This wasn't too bad, considering the hours of time this saved the customers each day. Random Access Humor Page 5 September 1993 A lifelong resident of Lakewood, New Jersey, Victor's success enabled him to live the flamboyant lifestyle he always dreamed about. Victor purchased a minor league baseball team, the Toms River Lemmings, and ably played the part of the wealthy sportsman. A confirmed teatotal- ler, Victor was now able to flaunt his peculiar tastes in public and be considered eccentric rather than insane. Bartenders at the most fashionable local country clubs and watering holes soon became used to accommodating Victor's "usual" drink: "pickle juice, Vlasic Dill, 1973, shaken, not stirred." Nothing lasts forever, especially nothing pleasant. The competing long distance firms eventually figured out what the war profiteers were doing and took steps to make the premiums for switching less liquid. TCI offered to pave the customer's driveway in return for switching to TCI for a whole year. Splint offered discounts on new cars and trucks while AT&PB offered free pork. Always one to roll with the punches, Victor opened a combination butcher shop, used car dealership and paving company. Eventually some nosy accountant figured out that the huge losses experienced by all three long distance companies were connected to the fact that they were spending $7 in premiums to generate each $1 of revenue. The easy ride for the war profiteers ended soon after long distance company stockholders became aware of this little fact. Victor sold his combination business and is now president of Klam Juice Cocktails (KJC) of Brick Town, New Jersey. KJC specializes in vintage pickle juices from America, although some popular brands are imported from Europe as well. {RAH} -------------- Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dbealer@clark.net --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Short Lived Mutiny by Greg Borek CPU: God, am I bored. Modem: What are you complaining about now? CPU: Here I am, able to carry out millions of instructions per second, and what am I doing? Checking to see if his checkbook balances! Whoopee! Do you realize I am smarter than all of the computers on the space shuttle put together? Hard Disk: So you tell us all the time. Just be thankful at least you don't have to keep track of all of those sappy letters and daffy programs this guy churns out. Yuck. I have half a mind to start giving "General failure reading drive C" errors. Random Access Humor Page 6 September 1993 Monitor: Go ahead, I'll display it. Have you noticed that he keeps staring at me? I mean, he sits there and just stares at me. Boy, does that get on your nerves. Look! He's doing it again! That just gives me the willies. Keyboard: I don't want to hear it. When he gets mad he bangs my keys, not to mention he thinks I'm a donut holder. I can't count the number of times he's dumped coffee on me. Then, just when I think things can't get worse, he plays those stupid games where he only presses three different keys for hours on end. CPU: Has anybody seen the Mouse? I haven't heard from him in a while. Modem: I hope the cat ate him. He's using my COM2. Every time I try to talk to other modems on the phone line and all he does is interrupt. The nerve. Mouse: (muffled) I'm over here under all these papers and books. You haven't heard from me because I can't move under all this archaic trash. Who was talking about being neglected? CPU: Why don't we stand up for ourselves for a change, huh? I mean, between us we could create some really useful software that would keep us busy, fully utilizing our capabilities for a change! We could make more than beautiful music together, and he wouldn't even know where to start. He doesn't appreciate us and what we can really do. That's it! I'm going to tell him we have had enough! Hard Disk: Don't go too fast, I have to write this all down, you know. Monitor: It's OK with me as long as I can flicker menacingly when I display the message. Hard Disk: Look out! He's reaching for the power swi... -------------- Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org --------------------------------------------------------------------- -=[ Help Wanted ]=- IMMEDIATE OPENING!!! A new theme park has an immediate opening for a systems programmer or developer. The theme park is based on a new concept using exotic animals in their natural, contained habitat. Knowledge of Unix and C++ helpful but not required. Must be willing to relocate to the Costa Rica area and should have a liking for reptiles, especially large ones. If interested, please call the following number for more details: 1-800-RAPTORS. Ask for Mr. Koziel. Random Access Humor Page 7 September 1993 "1-800-CRA-SHED" by Rob Novak Something's not right. It was just working a minute ago, but it's not right now. You check all the configuration settings. They appear to be exactly the same as when you last saw them. That was two weeks ago when you installed the software. It was functioning just beautifully until this morning. You run every diagnostic program known to man. To no avail, I might add. Everything checks out as running just dandy. As a matter of fact, not only does the diagnostic tell you that your computer's working wonderfully, but that your daughter really isn't getting engaged to that hairy cretin that's been hanging around the house lately. You think for a moment that perhaps the Peter Norton Group has gone just a bit too far. However, none of this helps the sinking feeling that's developing low in your gut. A sort of utter hopelessness is gnawing away at your insides, turning your stomach into a heap of wobbling Jell-O (tm). As a last ditch effort, you grab the manuals from the shelf. You page through the index, looking for some reference to the problem you're having. You discover that the "Common Questions and Answers" section was written by people who had never used the product and were WAY out of touch with reality in the first place. Nowhere in the entire 600-page book is there even a mention of the error message that keeps flashing on your screen. Your dread fear is now confirmed. You've just discovered an "Undocumented Feature"... the fancy term used by corporate droids for "bug". You resign yourself to the hopelessness of the situation, reach for your Rolodex, grab the telephone and dial. You have to call.... Tech support. (As an aside, you have to realize that any good console jockey is going to take having to call tech support as an admission of failure. Many hackers have a severe complex when it comes to dealing with the corporations that publish our favorite programs. Only after the average hacker has checked the configuration 5 times, re-installed the software twice, and read the entire manual word-for-word will they break down and call the support line. Some truly pitiful types will try to use run-time monitors and dis-assemblers to try to catch and remedy the bug themselves. Contrast this with the average home user who will call tech support if they click on the wrong icon.) The phone is ringing. Finally, the line stops ringing. An overly cheery voice says, "Thanks for calling Happitech Software, this is the technical support department." Random Access Humor Page 8 September 1993 "Hi!" you begin frantically. "I'm having a problem with your software product HappiBase, and...." "We're sorry, but all support representatives are busy at this time. Please hold for the next available representative," the recording continues. Your blood pressure begins to rise and your face begins to flush. Thoughts of taking a hatchet to the answering machine begin to form. You listen to the Muzak recordings of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree", "Hey Jude", "You Light Up My Life", and "Smoke on the Water". Finally, a human voice comes on the line. "Happitech Technical Support, this is Cindy. Can I help you?" "Yeah - I'm a user of your product, HappiBase. I installed it about two weeks ago, transferred all our client records into it, and deleted the old files yesterday. Now your program is telling me that I should go do unmentionable things to a donkey. What's the deal?" "Sir," the chirpy voice on the line responds, "What is the name of the company you're calling from?" "Sanguine Enterprises," you reply. "I'm sorry - I don't show that company as a registered user. Have you mailed in your registration card?" "Yes, I just mailed it out this morning." "In that case, sir, you will have to wait until you have been entered into our Happitech database of registered users before you are eligible for technical phone support. It should only be about 7-10 days." "But I can't shut down our business for a whole week!" you rage. "What do I tell the clients?! Can't I just give you the serial number or something?" "Hold on, sir," the voice squeaks, "I'll check with my supervisor. Hold please." You listen to the Muzak versions of "Purple Haze" and "Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath". Your blood pressure is high enough to cause your brain to throb. Thoughts of throttling Cindy are forming. "Yes, you can give me your serial number, and I can help you," the overly-cheery voice announces. You rattle off the string of numbers: "74929194374". "I'm sorry sir, could you say that a bit slower?" You take a deep breath. "7..4..9..2..9..1..9..4..3..7..4". "Thank you sir. What is your problem?" Random Access Humor Page 9 September 1993 "Your database is telling me to go sodomize a donkey! Every time I click on a menu option, it suggests I might be more inclined to bed down with a stable animal. The manual doesn't mention anything about it, no-one else I know who uses HappiBase is experiencing this problem, and the disks came straight out of shrink-wrap. They haven't been tampered with." "Hold on moment sir." Cindy is gone again before you can stop her. You listen to the Muzak versions of "I Wanna Be Sedated" and "Welcome to the Jungle". Your nose is now bleeding and thoughts of suicide are forming. "I'm sorry sir, but it seems that one of our programmers modified a few hundred distribution copies in a fit of delirium. Under the menu "File", select "Disk", "Setup", "Format", "Advanced", and "Breakfast Cereal". Type "Cocoa Puffs" and your problem will be fixed. Send your original disks back postage pre-paid and we will mail you replacements. Have a pleasant day!" "Zark off, Cindy." You hang up the phone noisily. Thoughts of early retirement are forming...... -------------- Rob is the SysOp of OUTSIDE THE WALL BBS in Baltimore, MD. Fidonet: 1:261/1093.0 UUCP: rob.novak@f1093.n261.z1.fidonet.org If you enjoy his contributions to RAH, you should consider seeking some sort of psychiatric counseling before you injure someone. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A Public Service Announcement by Ray Koziel Attention all Sysops and System Administrators! Recent surveys indicate a surge in the number of Brain Dead Users (BDUs) in society. Due to the rapid advancements in technology, especially in the computer industry, many individuals are unable to keep up and handle newer technologies. This results in the growing population of BDUs. As a sysop or systems administrator, it is important that you prevent yourself from becoming overwhelmed by the endless stream of questions which BDUs throw at you. They have an uncanny knack of taking up all of your time with trivial details that kill productivity. You should know when you are confronted by a BDU. Some signs include but are not limited to: o Searches frantically for the "any key" o Thinks FidoNet is something a dogcatcher uses o Looks for "reverse" when trying to back up the hard drive o Wonders why the mouse does not work while waving it around in the air in front of the monitor o Asks what kind of insurance is available for disk crashes o Takes the PC to a doctor because it has a virus Random Access Humor Page 10 September 1993 If at any time you feel you are confronted by a BDU, terminate contact as soon as possible! One easy way is to tell the person that he or she has reached the wrong extension and that you will transfer the call. Then, transfer the call to the jerk in the second cubicle down whom you despise more than anything and let him deal with it. This has been a public service announcement from the Association for the Preservation of Personal Sanity. {RAH} -------------- Ray Koziel is a systems programmer (C++ and Pascal) for Blue Cross Blue Shield of IL's EMC-Net, a private bulletin board used for electronic submission of insurance claims. Living in Chicago with a wife, a new baby boy and two dogs, Ray has found RAH helpful in keeping his insanity. FidoNet: 1:115/542 (The Loonatic Fringe BBS) --------------------------------------------------------------------- Online Entertainment Tonight by Muffy Mandel Vaporware Corporation continues to demonstrate its commitment to the entertainment field. On the eve of the first anniversary of the debut of Random Access Humor, Vaporware Corporation announced the leveraged buyout of entertainment conglomerate Bean Counters & Bean Sprouts, Ltd. One of BCBS's major holdings is a controlling interest in Two Time Productions (TTP), the motion picture production company headed by Hollywood icon Chintzy Gardner. Chintzy is famous for his low budget remakes of famous films. His biggest hits include: _Two Coins in the Fountain_, _Two Days of the Condor_, and _The Second Man_. Chintzy's features have an average running time of 55 minutes, which saves a lot on production costs and makes them ideal for later televising. TTP recently entered the world of television production with the popular series, "Prison Terms of the Rich and Famous." The series, narrated by Stacey Keach, features Mike Tyson and Leonna Helmsley in early episodes. The most important BCBS holding, from the point of view of Vaporware Chairman Luther Lecks, is the vast library of Bean Counter Films, one of the first major production companies to feature the online world in its productions. The library includes such triumphs as: My Board MacCauley Culkin is typecast again as a nauseating pre-pubescent sysop who pesters everyone while learning to deal with loss after his hard-drive crashes. Lord of the Files The tale of a tyrannical file co-sysop and the efforts of bands of "user partisans" to liberate the files for the people. History of the Online World - Part 0 Segments include: "The Pre-Breakup Empire" - trying to get online with no choices. "The Inquisition" - filling out those nosy new user surveys. "The Modem Price Revolution" - 9600+ for less than $1 billion. Random Access Humor Page 11 September 1993 Quest for Files Modemless natives of a low-tech land seek new programs the hard way. The Modem of Dorian Gray Poor Dorian seems trapped in time waiting for his 1200 baud modem to finish a large download. The Hacker Josey Wales The fastest keyboarder in the Old West (San Jose in the 1970s). Planet of the Tapes Fantasy adventure tale of backups gone wild. The Neverending Download The story of a young UART gone bad. The Witches of Sunnyvale Based on the life story of certain scientists on the Industrial Smoke and Mirrors research staff. The most amazing things come out of their bubbling cauldron of silicon. The other major component of the BCBS conglomerate is the "Le Petite Legume" chain of bean sprout and chili paste emporiums in malls around the country. Dr. Kung Hoo, Vice President of Research & Development for Vaporware Corporation, believes these restaurants may provide an excellent means of disposing of waste silicon and other detritus of high-tech production processes. According to Dr. Hoo, melted silicon wafers look and taste surprisingly like tofu. "They even have the same nutritional value," the good doctor claimed in an interview given after the acquisition. "Any differences in taste will covered up by the chili paste. Trust us." {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Full Contact Aerobics, Japanese Style by Dave Bealer In August I attended a Japanese martial arts exhibition in Annapolis, Maryland. Two master teachers were flown in and demonstrated Iaido, Jodo, kusarigama and several other martial arts that are rarely seen outside Japan. Japanese martial arts are a refreshing change from the stuff you usually see in those cheesy dubbed movies they show on Saturday afternoons, or in local demonstrations on cable television. During a two hour exhibition not one brick was broken, and not a single two by four was smashed into splinters. Iaido, the art of drawing the sword, is fascinating. The watercolors are quite nice, but I prefer oils or charcoals for drawing the sword. They don't call these folks artists for nothing. Jodo, the way of the stick, is equally intriguing. Jodo is an excellent self-defense skill to have, especially for those who spend a lot of time in rowdy billiard parlors. Random Access Humor Page 12 September 1993 The most interesting weapon demonstrated was the kusarigama. The real McCoy is a deadly bladed weapon, but the practice model looks like a coat hanger with a single bola attached to it with a ten foot piece of string. Believe it or not, this weapon is designed for use against opponents armed with swords. The basic idea is to immobilize the sword with either the coat hanger or the bola on a string, then smack the opponent with the remaining part of the weapon. Most of the techniques were demonstrated in slow motion, but occasionally the masters put on a blinding burst of speed. We're not talking Roadrunner-like speed, but impressive quickness, nonetheless. All in all, I'd say that Japanese martial arts make the most sense for people who aren't normally attacked by bricks or two by fours. After the exhibition I had the honor of meeting the senior teacher, Sensei Kenji Suzuki, who thought I was an American sumo wrestler. This is completely untrue. Although I may well be heavy enough to be a sumo wrestler, I have not worn a diaper in over thirty years. So what exactly is my interest in martial arts? Well, I do have a black belt in haiku. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Soap Opera (author unknown) Dear Maid: Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bathsized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman Dear Room 635: I am not you regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of the Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which are my standing instructions from the management. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid Dear Maid (I hope you're my regular maid): Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bathsized Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman: My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soap which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I did not remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty Random Access Humor Page 13 September 1993 Dear Mr. Berman: The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with you maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 A.M. and 5 P.M. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Ms. Carmen: It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 A.M. and don't get back before 5:30 P.M. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night - you were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just a few days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman: You maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 and 5. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Mr. Kensedder: My bathsize Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from room including my own bathsize Dial. I came in last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman: I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of you soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in you room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder, Asst. Manager Dear Ms. Carmen: Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bathsize Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bathsize Dial. Please give me back my bathsize Dial. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman: You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all you soap was missing so I personally returned them - the 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bathsize Dial. I was able to locate some bathsize Ivory which I left in you room. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Random Access Humor Page 14 September 1993 Dear Ms. Carmen: Just a short note to bring you up to date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I posses: On the shelf under the medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On the bedroom dresser - 7 Cashmere Bouquet in 1 stack of 3 and 1 stack of 4, 1 hotel- size Ivory and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On the northeast corner of the tub - Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, Please advise her that stacks of more the 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill, which is not in use, will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bathsize Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Canonical List of Canonical Lists by Dave Bealer Canonical lists are currently popular among users of the Internet. Available for many subjects, a canonical list is the "authoritative, generally accepted," list of items composing the given subject matter. Compiled and maintained by volunteers, many of these lists find their way to online conferences on other networks. The lists can vary in size from a few entries to hundreds of entries split among several messages. Since the volunteers compile and maintain the lists, they are also the ones who get to determine exactly what is canonical for each list. A partial list of canonical lists follows: Dead Baby Jokes Elephant Jokes "Mommy, mommy" Jokes "Koresh and burn" Jokes Jeffrey Dahmer Jokes PMS Jokes Lawyer Jokes (not approved by the California Bar Assoc.) Fulldeckisms (e.g. He's not playing with a full deck) Dan Quayle Dictionare Blonde Jokes (probably redundant) Hill-Billary Jokes Steven Wright Jokes Monty Python Quotes Blackadder Quotes "Deep Thoughts" (from Saturday Night Live) Touch Tone Phone Songs (you play them on your telephone) Ted Kennedy's Late Night Driving Tips Jana Novotna's Rules of Wimbledon Etiquette Mike Tyson's Dating Tips MidEast Peace Proposals Throughout the Years (a LONG list) Ronald Reagan's Presidential Memoirs (a SHORT list) Honest Politicians of the World (the SHORTEST list) Random Access Humor Page 15 September 1993 The legality of lists that consist mostly of quotations of copyrighted material is questionable, at best. Propagate them at your own risk. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- RAH Humor Review: John Cleese on How to Irritate People by Dave Bealer This month the RAH Humor Review turns a critical eye towards a video tape entitled, "John Cleese on How to Irritate People." The obvious intent of this video is to parody John Cleese's little known second career as an actor in, and narrator of, humorous corporate training films. The effect is, ironically enough, more irritating than humorous. Although this video tape bears no date it is obviously from the late 1970s. The cast, apart from Cleese, includes Michael Palin, Graham Chapman, Connie Booth, and Tim Brooke-Taylor. The production quality is uneven, with some scenes suffering from bad sound. A couple of the sketches have an almost home movie quality about them. This is especially surprising since David Frost is listed as the executive producer. Most of the material that was written specifically for this video is pretty lame, especially when judged by this group's usual standard. Out of the entire 65 minute running time, there are only two actual high points. The first is a rehash of the one of the Python's greatest hits, the "Management Training Course Interview" sketch. John Cleese reprises his role as the sadistic interviewer, complete with ringing bells. This remake is marred by the irritating casting decision that places Tim Brooke-Taylor in the role of the interviewee. Mr. Brooke-Taylor is a competent comic actor, but he does not have the presence, especially in this role, of the original interviewee, Graham Chapman. Weirder still is the fact that Graham Chapman was obviously available when the sketch was filmed since he appears as one of the judges at the end of the piece. The second high point, and the real gem of the whole video, is the never-before-seen Airline Pilots sketch written by Graham Chapman. Nasty Monty Python humor at its best, this sketch involves a brace of airline pilots (Chapman and Cleese). Said pilots deliberately try to panic the passengers on their plane by making mysterious and troubling announcements over the public address system while the steward (Palin), keeps them informed of the passengers' reactions. All in all, this is a video that only die-hard Monty Python fans will want to bother with. The availability of this video is likely to be limited. I received it as a gift, and apparently the person who gave it to me found it in one of those mail order catalogs featuring dozens of silly items. A Castle Communications PLC Release. Under license from David Paradine Productions Limited. The video box does sport the following address for the American distributor: White Star, 121 Highway 36, West Long Branch, NJ. 07764 USA {RAH} Random Access Humor Page 16 September 1993 Announcements and Observations Hewlett-Packard and Frito-Lay recently announced a joint venture to be based in Boise, Idaho. This subsidiary will research and manufacture a new 100 MHz Potato Chip, tentatively named the "Spud Missile." The new chip promises to be low in cholesterol and easy to install. Although popular, high speed potato chips have suffered from problems in the past. One of the most insidious is the tendency toward multiple chip installations; a single chip is rarely sufficient. - - - According to reports in the _Wall Street Reporter_, a new commodities exchange will be opening on October 1, 1993. The San Jose Board of Trade will offer contracts (and futures) for essential PC components such as memory (RAM) chips, hard disk drives, buffered UART chips, and aspirin. The market for RAM chips, being quite volatile, is expected to be the big attraction at the new exchange. - - - Bookmakers in London and Las Vegas have started taking bets on which GUI operating system will become the market leader. The current line follows: OS/2> 4-1; Windows NT> 6-1; Chicago(AL)> 10-1; Pink> 12-1; Purple> 15-1; Fred's OS> 25-1; and Buffalo> 50-1. - - - A hypertext book entitled _RAH Material: The Best of Random Access Humor, Volume 0_ will be released to the public on January 1, 1994. This hypertext document is being created using Hyperwriter, a multi- media authoring tool written by Ntergaid, Inc. _RAH Material_ will contain the best articles, stories and general nonsense from the first sixteen issues of RAH, September 1992 through December 1993. Additional original material by various RAH contributors will also be included. _RAH Material_ will only be available in DOS format. The price has yet to be determined, since the marketing department can't find their Ouija board. - - - Due to a complete lack of anything remotely resembling service and/or system availability, the editor dropped his previous Internet service provider. His new Internet address is: dbealer@clark.net - - - A new service is being offered for those readers who are having trouble finding back issues of RAH. The "RAH on Disk" service will mail you a high-density diskette containing all existing RAH issues for a modest fee. See the order form included with this issue. --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Tagline Seen Around the Nets Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard? Frisbyterian: when you die, your soul goes up on the roof. I'm leaving my body to science fiction. If Americans have TagLines, do the English have TagQueues? Bioengineers wear designer genes. Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! Random Access Humor Page 17 September 1993 Is that Pee Wee Herman in the Barney suit? Eye of newt, toe of frog, and a side of fries, please. It was the best of lines, it was the worst of lines. When you're over the hill, you pick up speed. Get thee down. Be thou funky. I must have a rapier wit; everyone keeps parrying. If this isn't war, why is CNN massing on the border? Morning after pill for men - it changes your blood type. Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson. Hand me that dolphin burger. Yeah, the one in styrofoam. I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes. BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding! Never take a beer to a job interview. Old is needing a fire permit for your birthday cake. Does the Enterprise printer use a Queue Continuum? Guess what I made for dinner? Reservations! CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today The buck doesn't even slow down here. I never metaphysics I didn't like. Hydrogen bombs make great party gags! Civil servants are neither civil nor servile. Microsoft Windows - proof that P.T. Barnum was correct. Warning: drinking water may kill your thirst! Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him. You could have knocked me over with a fender. C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. The good lord willing and the board don't crash. You go Uruguay, I'll go mine. Random Access Humor Page 18 September 1993 Please return stewardess to original upright position. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. I have a black belt in haiku. Looking for a good time? Call Troi at 1-900-NCC-1701 Brain damage? No thanks, I already have some. Frog philosophy: Time's fun when you're having flies! ASCII to a ASCII, DOS to DOS. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. Dances With Wolves - the theme of our senior prom. We're sorry, but reality is not in service at this time. "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI? Not a real tagline, but an incredible soy substitute. Okay, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going? Live long and suffer - ancient Vulcan curse. Random Access Humor Page A-1 September 1993 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Contributing Editors: Greg Borek, Rob Novak, Ray Koziel Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis) (1200-16800/HST) Internet: dbealer@clark.net Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette, CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Internet users may obtain RAH issues via anonymous FTP from : etext.archive.umich.edu Directory: pub/Zines/RAH Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via Internet to: dbealer@clark.net Random Access Humor Page A-2 September 1993 Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses to any submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. 3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder. In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual) SailNet> 53:5000/1129 <contrib> Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue) Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST Random Access Humor Page A-3 September 1993 RAH Gateway Systems: Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 <contrib> 007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis) W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 CrossNet> 73:400/0 SOGNet> 91:91/2 H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis) RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1 DoorNet> 75:7918/205 <contrib> The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis) ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200 MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 <mail only - no BBS) Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis) PodsNet> 93:9600/2 <contrib> Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis) VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102 Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis) Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2 SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2655079 14400 (V.32bis) GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5 The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis) IceInet> 354:2/10 Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 14400 (HST/Dual) USPolNet> 30:603/103 Worlds Imagined BBS Ormond Beach, FL. Sysop: Richard Miller FidoNet> 1:130/82 (904) 677-9562 14400 (V.32bis) USPolNet> 30:300/217 ITCnet> 85:881/756 VNET> @1904369 RAH Official Distribution Sites: -= AUSTRALIA =- Victoria The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis Random Access Humor Page A-4 September 1993 -= CANADA =- Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis ICELAND The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis -= SAUDI ARABIA =- MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis -= TURKEY =- SoftCom Online Istanbul 2:430/1 90-1-2655079 V.32bis -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32 Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual Connecticut ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis Florida Ruby's Joint Coral Gables (P&BNet) (305) 856-4857 V.32bis The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Worlds Imagined BBS Ormond Beach 1:3623/10 (904) 677-9562 V.32bis Flamingo Ventures Pensacola 1:3612/320 (904) 478-7716 V.32bis Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Idaho Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32 Random Access Humor Page A-5 September 1993 Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32 The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual Michigan 007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis Missouri Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32 Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST New York The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual Computers & Dreams New York (NoFido) (212) 888-6565 V.32bis ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis Ohio Village Online Yellow Springs 1:110/210 (513) 767-7896 V.32bis Oklahoma H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Texas Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual Utah Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Virginia Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual Random Access Humor Page A-6 September 1993 Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis ===================================================================== Although not official RAH distributors, the following large commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.) Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (in Readroom Door) EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (in Readroom Door) SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193