17 Bit Software 3: The Continuation/17-Bit_The_Continuation_Disc.iso/files/nz18.dms/nz18.adf/Causers.Newsletter/ClubNews.EE

Text File | 1993-12-03 | 7KB | 199 lines

GADGET.Electronic Edition                          SEPTEMBER 1987



                 Copyright 1987 by Ray Radlein

This  file  may  be  freely   distributed   to  public   computer
bulletin boards  provided  this  notice  is included intact,  but
may not be used  or  published  in  any  other form without prior
consent of the author.



                All The News That Fits The Print

                         by RAY RADLEIN



Well, now that the Scandal has broken, the question on everyone's
mind is "What did the President know, and when did he know it?"

By now, we've all seen the  television  coverage, the articles in
the newspaper, the  covers  of  Time  and  Newsweek  and  Amazing
Computing. You have seen the  calm  but embattled face of our own
Treasurer,  Barry  Burton,   as  he  sat  on  the  witness  stand
testifying to the  Special  Persecutor.  You,  too, have probably
wondered  where  all  that  money  really  went.  But,  being the
obviously intelligent readers that  you are, you have steadfastly
refused to jump  to  conclusions;  you  have waited until all the
facts were in. Being headstrong, individualistic,  free-thinkers,
you have decided to  wait  for  The  GADGET  to  tell you what to
think.

For most of us, the first we heard  about it all was when the New
York Times broke the  story  about  how  money for the Club's new
Theme Park, "Vapor Land," was being funneled through Swiss banks,
eventually to  arrive  in  Central  America,  funding  the Contra
Rebels. Our Club  President  denied  the  story, saying it was "a
complete mess of lies and  fabrications;  a  totally bogus bag of
misrepresentations and prevarications; and, anyway, I'm sure that
it was all our  Treasurer's  idea.  I,  uh,  didn't know anything
about it, did I?"

Within a week, the story was  all  over  the front pages of every
magazine  and  newspaper  in  America,  except  for  the  Natural
Enquirer, which led with "BOY  TRAPPED  IN  KLEIN BOTTLE SWALLOWS
OWN MOUTH, ESCAPES!"  -  and  within  another  week,  the Special
Persecutor had convened  the  "Vapor-Gate"  hearings.  First, the
Club's photogenetic  Secretary,  Ray  Radlein,  denied  shredding
issues of The GADGET. "It wasn't me!  The U.S. Mail did that just
fine on its own! And anyway, I was only following orders!"

After that, Chief of Intelligence Bob Scott was slated to testify












on his role in  transporting  currency  to  the Carribean, but he
never did show up,  prompting  all  kinds  of wild rumors, which,
unfortunately, no one can recall.

But finally, the Big  Day  arrived:  Under  a promise of Immunity
from Measles, Barry was finally slated  to testify on his role in
this riveting drama. Looking  stern  and patriotic, Barry quickly
captured the hearts of an enraptured  nation - Upper Volta, to be
precise - with his  terse,  unashamed  description  of the events
that lead from Theme Park to Rebel  Militia. "I have no regrets,"
intoned Barry. "I would do it all  over again to help our country
in its struggle against the  Forces  of Communism in all parts of
the world."

A  Hero  was  born.  All  over  the  county,  people  broke  into
spontaneous applause, writing cards  and letters expressing their
support, as well as engaging in  that  uniquely  American form of
celebration:  Printing  thousands  of  idiotic-looking "Barry for
President" posters,  T-Shirts,  bumper  stickers,  and underwear.
There was even a move afoot  to  make  Barry  our Club President,
until  we  realized  that,  being  as  how  he  was always off in
Nicaragua, he wouldn't be able to attend the meetings.

Ah, yes! The Meetings! What  this  column is ostensibly about! In
the wake of the hearings, we  were  all  pretty distracted at the
meetings, to the point that  no  one  can  remember what actually
occured. There are dim,  almost  ancestral,  memories  of  seeing
dynamic new software  demonstrations  and  listening to thrilling
guest speakers hold forth on  a  variety  of  fascinating topics.
There was the speaker from  Apple  Computers,  who demonstrated a
groundbreaking   new    achievement    in   Personal   Computing:
"Multi-Tasking." According to the Apple rep, Multi-tasking is The
Wave of The Future,  a  process  by  which  a  given computer can
perform sevreral tasks  AT  THE  SAME  TIME.  Most  people in the
audience weren't  particularly  impressed.  "Why  on  Earth would
anyone want to do that?" asked Vice-President Ray Marsh.

"I  dunno,"  replied   Doug   Smoak,   "I  guess  it's  just  too
sophisticated a concept for simple rubes like us to appreciate."
The  development,  called   "Multi-Finger"  by  Apple,  was  also
downplayed by  the  representative  from  International  Booloean
Mechanisms, who claimed  that  their  new  BS/2 line of computers
would support  Multi-tasking,  "Any  Day  Now.  I mean, like Real
Soon. Fred and Barney are finishing up the Code even as we speak!
And it'll have all kinds of  really  neat-o  graphics stuff, too;
just wait and see!"

"Just wait and see!", unfortunately,  has also been the operative
phrase regarding Vapor Land.  The  Official Public Grand Opening,
originally slated for a  couple  of  months  ago,  has since been
postponed to "Real Soon Now,"  as,  in  the wake of the Hearings,
funding for the Park has dwindled to a trickle. Many of the rides
have not been completed yet,  and  many others have not even been
started. Spokesmodel Ray Radlein claimed that Vapor Land was held












up due to "...a problem with FCC approval. Also, we're waiting to
get the manuals to get back from the printers."

"But never fear!" he added. "Work is proceeding at full speed! We
should finish our futuristic "Vapor  Land 2000" section Real Soon
Now! And don't forget to look for our Gigantic Ad campaign! We'll
be running ads on prime number days  of the month in The Columbia
Retched, as well as the Oshkosh  Herald-Messenger  and  the Papua
Star-Tribune! And in such  leading  magazines as Look, Mac World,
and PM Magazine! And  television!  We're talking TV! Look for our
sophisticated, high-tech ads during  ESPN's "Kick-Boxing from the
Phillipines" and "World  Championship  Wrestling," not to mention
"Nitrogen: Our Invisible Friend" on the Discovery Channel!

Anyhow, despite  all  the  adverse  publicity,  and  the repeated
threats from the  PTA,  PMRC,  Governor's  Office,  and  National
Guard, we will continue  to  hold  meetings;  and  those meetings
will, no doubt, be every  bit  as  action-packed  and exciting as
your favorite "Dukes of Hazard"  episode,  but with even more car
crashes and literate humor! So  come  one, come all, and see what
the fuss is about!