Gold Fish 2/goldfish_vol2_cd1.bin/files/comm/bbs/bbbbs/bbbbs72.lha/rexxDoors/Data/Grins

Text File | 1994-01-28 | 145KB | 4,360 lines

!! Zipple grelbnot horbnofg asirvnig fzouple! Or something like that.

90% of everything is crud.

"A billion here, a billion there,
sooner or later it adds up to real money"
 - Everett Dirksen -

A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex.

A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.

A bore is a fellow talking who can change the subject back to his topic
of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours.
    -- Laurence J. Peter

Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small.

Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good,
but absence of body is better.

According to the latest official figures,
43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.

Accuracy: The vice of being right

A child's ability to endure
likely stems from his ignorance of alternatives.

A clean, neat, and orderly work place is a sure sign of a sick mind.

A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved
from a simple system that worked.

A computer makes as many mistakes in one second
as three men working for thirty years straight.

A conference is simply an admission
that you want somebody else to join you in your troubles.

A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so
fast?"  I said, "See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an
accelerator.  When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine.  The whole car just takes right off.  And see this
thing?  This steers it."
                                         -- Steven Wright

"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing."

Activity is the politician's substitute for achievement.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
   --  H. L. Mencken

Adam Smith revisited: Work creates Wealth, which is then Redistributed
in the holy name of Social Justice. That is to say, what is mine is
yours, and his, and hers, and theirs...

A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?

              *  A Day In The Life Of A Doe  *

      Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises,
           and we see the woods on a sunny afternoon.
      A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves.
          He drifts lazily through the soft foliage.
           Soon he starts coughing and drops dead.

                                ...Woody Allen

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell
in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.

Adult: One old enough to know better.

Adventure is no more than discomfort and annoyance
recollected in the safety of reminiscence.

A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool
usually harbors suspicions to the contrary.

A fool and his money are some party.

A friend in power is a friend lost.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to
go.  You'll just be walking down the street, and...
Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
                                         -- Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
                                         -- Steven Wright

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying
about how we wasted the morning.

After the success of Cocoanuts Groucho Marx bought a house in the
suburban Long Island community of Great Neck and inquired about joining
a restricted swimming club. The manager told him that the club could not
accept his application because of it's policy against admitting Jews.
Groucho thought for a moment and asked, "Well, then how about my son?
He's only half Jewish. Can he go in the water up to his waist?"

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?  -- Steven Wright

Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.

A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future.

agimA eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH

A gleekzorp without a tornpee
is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).

A good listener not only is popular everywhere but also,
after a while, knows something.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul.
   -- George Bernard Shaw

A great deal of money is never enough once you have it.

A guest on "You Bet Your Life", hosted by Groucho Marx, had given birth to
twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly.
"I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while."

A hollow voice says, "Plugh".

A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.

A king's castle is his home.

Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York,
and still waiting for a dial tone.

A liberalism incapable of fiscal self-discipline brings about a
radical conservatism conspicuous for its selfishness and insensitivity.

A lie in time saves nine.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
       -- KINGFISH

"All my friends and I are crazy.
That's the only thing that keeps us sane."

All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across
the hall tried to rob a department store...  With a pricing
gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
marking down everything in the store."
                                         -- Steven Wright

All skill is in vain when an angel pees in the barrel of your rifle.

All's well that ends.

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
                                         -- Steven Wright

All things are possible.
Except skiing through a revolving door.

All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.

All turtle thoughts are of turtle.

All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy and Jill a wealthy widow.

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

Although I may disagree with what you say,
I will defend to the death your right
to hear me tell you how wrong you are.

Always address your elders with respect;
they could leave you a fortune.

Always convice those whom you are about to deceive
that you are acting in their best interests.

Always forgive your enemies - nothing else annoys them as much.
   -- Oscar Wilde

Always mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his boss.

Always store beer in a dark place.

Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again.

A major failure will not occur
until after the unit has passed final inspection.

A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.

A man who turns green has eschewed protein.

A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
        -- Charlie McCarthy

Ambition is the curse of the political class.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
and the hours are lost.

America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone from
barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.
    -- Georges Clemenceau

[America] The only country in the world where
failing to promote yourself is regarded as being arogant.
    -- Garry Trudeau

A miser is a fellow who lives within his income.
He is also called a magician.

A misplaced decimal point will always end up
where it will do the greatest damage.

Among economists,
the real world is generally considered to be a special case.

A motion to adjourn is always in order.

"An American is a man with two arms and four wheels."
        -- A Chinese child

A narrow mind has a broad tongue.

An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
complex, incomprehensible truth.

An economy cannot afford high tech unless it has a basic structure of
other industry to provide the savings that will support high tech
until it begins to pay off.

An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

A neurotic builds castles in the air.
A psychotic lives in castles in the air.
And a psychiatrist is the guy who collects the rent.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he
knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Anger is never without an argument, or with a good one.

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than
a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
   -- H.L. Mencken

An infinite number of mediocrities do not add up to one genius.

An open mouth oft-times accompanies a closed mind.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.

An unhappy crew makes for a dangerous voyage.

Any appetite is its own excuse for existing.

Any component, when inadvertently dropped, will roll into a hiding
place, the inaccessibility of which is proportional to the square of
the component's irreplaceability.

Any contract drawn in more than 50 words contains at least one loophole.

Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.

Any machine design must contain at least one part which is obsolete,
two parts which are unobtainable,
and three parts which are still under development.

Anyone can do any amount of work,
provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at that moment.
   -- Ribert Benchley

Anyone can handle a crisis.
It's everyday living that kills you.

Anyone in good enough condition to run three miles a day
is in good enough condition not to have to.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated terms.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
   ... Arthur C. Clarke

A penny saved is ridiculous.

A perfectly calm day will turn gusty the instant you drop a $20 bill.

A pipe gives a wise man time to think
and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.

A politician's most important ability is to foretell
what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year,
and to explain afterwards why it didn't happen.

A professional is one who does his best work
when he feels the least like working.
    -- Frank Lloyd Wright

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A Project Manager is like the madam in a brothel.
His job is to see that everything comes off right.

Are there any questions?  -- Steven Wright

A reverence for life does not require one
to respect nature's obvious mistakes.

Art is a passion pursued with discipline;
science is a discipline pursued with passion.

Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.

A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly knowledge.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain;
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
        -- Albert Einstein

As for born again Christians, it seems to me that on the whole,
one birth per person is enough, and for some even that may be too much.
        -- John Simon

A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

Ask your children what they want for dinner only if they are buying.

A Smith & Wesson always beats four aces.

As scarce as truth is, the supply invariably exceeds the demand.

"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
 - Pat Paulsen -

Assumptions, so often full of holes, remain precious to the convinced.

As the rabbit said, if that ain't a wolf, it's a hell of a big dog.

As the trials of life continue to take their toll,
remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance.

A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.

A summer-stock producer who had produced a George S. Kaufman play
without paying royalties explained, "After all, it's only a small,
insignificant theater."
  "Then you'll go to a small, insignificant jail," Kaufman replied.

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.

At best, life is a spiral and never a pendulum.
What has been done cannot be undone.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

"Automatic" simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.

Avoid September.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

A while ago, I went skiing in England.  It was a rare package:
two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in
England.  I said, "Yes, I'll take it."  I got on this chairlift
with this guy I didn't know.  We went halfway up the mountain
without saying a word.  Then he turned to me and said, "You
know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years."  I
said, "Why did you take such a long time off?"  He said, "I was
in prison.  Want to know why?"  I said, "Not really.  Well, you
better tell me why."  He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a
Ferris wheel."  I said, "I remember you."
                                         -- Steven Wright

"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients.  Still, the fact
remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell.  It
is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
using indirect spells.  It also does no harm, in dealing with these
matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."
        -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII

A yacht is a hole in the water, lined with wood, steel, or fiberglass,
through which one pours all his money.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...
It pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and say,
"What are you doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your life!"
   -- Steven Wright

Bad weather forecasts are more often right than good ones.

Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.

Bankers are the assassins of hope.

Barometer:  An ingenious instrument which indicates
what kind of weather we are having.

Base 8 is just like base 10... if you're missing two fingers.
  -- Tom Lehrer

Basic research is what you do when you don't know what you are doing.

Be a corporate good citizen; hire the morally handicapped.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.

Be comforted, that in the face of all disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law.

Being king is not much fun if no one knows you are one.

Be kind to your web-footed friends; that duck may be a buyer.

Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way.

Bernard Shaw has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.
    -- Oscar Wilde

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool
than to speak and remove all doubt.

Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.

Beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes.

Beware of low-flying butterflies.

Beware the granfalloon.

Black holes are outa sight!

Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the crap.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
for they Shall be Known as Wheels.

Blessed be he who is called a big wheel, for he goeth around in
circles.

Bosses come and bosses go, but a good secretary lasts forever.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful,
we can organize them into a committee...
that will do them in.

Brain:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.

Bullsh*t baffles brains.

By doing just a little every day,
I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.
       -- ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

By the time most of us have money to burn, our fire's gone out.

By working faithfully 8 hours a day, you may eventually get to be a
boss and work 12 hours a day.

Cabbage:  A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable
about as large and wise as a man's head.

California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
        -- Fred Allen

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Certainly the game is rigged.
Don't let that stop you;
if you don't bet, you can't win.

Cheer up.
The first hundred years are the hardest!

Chicken Little was right.

Children are a comfort in your old age,
and they will even help you reach it.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble
as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
   -- Fran Lebowitz

Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Civil servants are neither civil nor servile.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
      -- Ambrose Bierce

Collaboration:
A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.

Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.

Communists do it without class.

Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Any system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable.
You can rely on it.

Condense soup, not books!

Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.

Construct a system that even a fool can use
and only a fool will want to use it.

"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be;
and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."
       -- LEWIS CARROLL

Conversation: A vocal competition in which
the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

Conversation enriches the understanding,
but solitude is the school of genius.

Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.

Crime is merely politics without the excuses.

Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs.

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done,
they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
   -- Brenden Behan

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
   -- Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
   -- Steven Wright

Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.

Dare to be stupid.  -- Weird Al Yankovic

Da trouble wit computers is, dey got no sense of humor.

Dawn:  The time when men of reason go to bed.

Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.

Days you attend top-level meetings and days you get hiccups
tend to fall on the same dates.

Deep down, I think he's rather shallow.  -- George S. Kaufman

Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing.

Deliberation:
The act of examining one's bread
to determine which side it is buttered on.

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted
to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
        -- Senator Soaper

Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.

Desperate diseases require desperate remedies.

         - DETERIORATA -
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be
in owning a piece thereof.

Did you know that clones never use mirrors?

Did you know that if you maintain a cholesterol-free diet,
your body makes its own cholesterol.

Did you know that no-one ever reads these things?

Diogenes is still searching.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
thinking what no one else has thought."
 - Albert Szent-Gyorgi -

Disney, of course, has the best casting.
If he doesn't like an actor, he just tears him up.
    -- Alfred Hitchcock

Distrust your first impressions; they are invariably too favorable.

Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick
wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
who knew.  People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
it...  It feels real."
                                         -- Steven Wright

Do not clog intellect's sluices with knowledge of questionable uses.

Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.

Do not read this message under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))

Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.

Don't be afraid to take a big step.
You cannot cross a chasm in two small steps.

Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Don't be so humble...you aren't that great.

Don't feed the bats tonight.

Don't get married if you are afraid of solitude.

Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Don't hit a man when he's down
unless you are da*ned certain he won't get up.

Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.

Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.

Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
         -- BO DIDDLEY

Dont lose your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
         -- BURMA SHAVE

Don't panic.

Don't shop for groceries when you're hungry.

Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.

Don't try to have the last word.  You might get it.

Don't wear earmuffs in a bed of rattlesnakes.

Don't worry about what other people are thinking of you.
They're too busy worrying about what you are thinking of them.

Don't wrestle a pig in a mudhole.
You both get all dirty, and the pig enjoys it.

Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?   -- John Mendosa

Down with categeorical imperatives!

Do you know where *your* towel is?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
                                         -- Steven Wright

"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."

Dreams can come true, if you don't sleep too long.

Dr. Faustus, call your service.

Duct tape is like the force.
It has a light side, a dark side,
and it holds the universe together....
        -- Carl Zwanzig

Due to a shortage of devoted followers,
the production of great leaders has been discontinued.

During Britain's "brain drain,"
not a single politician left the country.

Economics is the only calling in which one can have a lifetime
reputation as an expert without ever once being right.

Economy makes men independent.

Education: the inculation of the incomprehensible,
into the indifferent, by the incompetent.
   -- John Maynard Keynes

Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence;
schools confer degrees.

Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
       -- BULLWINKLE MOOSE

Enthusiasm wanes, but dullness lasts forever.

Eternity is a terrible thought...where will it all end

Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.

Even if the story isn't true,
it does have a grain of sense and instruction to it,
and it's entertaining as well, so it's worth the telling.

Even Mason and Dixon had to draw the line somewhere.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.  -- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?
I don't get it...      -- Steven Wright

Everybody's death simplifies life for someone.

Every calling is great when greatly pursued.

Every family tree has some sap.

Every institution tends to perish through an excess of its own policy.

Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

Everyone should know where his towel is.

Every society professes the existence of inalienable human rights;
most, however, are somewhat vague as to just what they are.

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,
and smile for a satellite picture.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Every successful person has had failures
but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.

Everything bows to success, even grammar.

Everything comes to he who waits -
providing he has either infinite patience or infinite wealth.

Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself.
   -- Charles Baldelaire

Everything east of the San Andreas Fault
will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

Everything not forbidden by the laws of Nature is mandatory.
Trouble is, nearly everything is forbidden.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.  -- Steven Wright

Example is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the only thing.

Excellence is an option that is renewable.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

Expectations should not determine whether or not one acts, nor how.

Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass
will give you the most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.

Experience is a good teacher, but submits huge bills.

Experience is that marvelous thing
that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
        -- F. P. Jones

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.

Experimentation is the mother of confusion.

Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields.
But experts often think so.

Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species.
There, did that cheer you up?

Extreme boredom serves to cure boredom.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.
  -- Steven Wright

Facts cannot prevail against faith, or adamant folly.

Failure is a measurement that depends on the standard applied.

Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.

Familiarity breeds attempt.

Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
western spiral arm of the galaxy lies a small, unregarded yellow sun.

Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet, whose dominant life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea.
   -- Douglas Adams

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable
that we have to alter it every six months.
        -- Oscar Wilde

Favorite animal: steak     -- Fran Lebowitz

Fear is no great respecter of reason.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
   -- Mark Twain

Fill what's empty.
Empty what's full.
And scratch where it itches.

Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.

Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.

Fire and water.
Matter and anti-matter.
Money and morality.

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.

FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
Details at.... uh... when the little hand is on the...

Fools belittle that which they do not understand.
Cynics belittle everything.
Midgets simply belittle.

For a man of fortitude, there are no walls, only avenues.

For a while I didn't have a car...  I had a helicopter...  no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running...  (Slow glance upward.)
                                         -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled
my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
                                         -- Steven Wright

For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.

For people who like that kind of book,
that is the kind of book they will like.

Four years ago...  No, it was yesterday.
Today I...  No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...  No, I don't.
                                         -- Steven Wright

FRAMED CLASSROOM MOTTO:
   "Free knowledge Monday through Friday.
    Bring your own container."

Freedom can be lost as surely tax by tax, regulation by regulation,
as it can be bullet by bullet, missile by missile.

Freedom is for everyone. Or no one.

Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French
looking girl.  She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't
read in two different languages.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.

From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.

Frustration is not having anyone else to blame but one's self.

Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.

Garter:  An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
stockings and desolating the country.

Genetics explains why you look like your father,
and if you don't, why you should.

Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out.

"Ghosts are dimensionally impaired." ...Emo Phillips.

Give all orders verbally. Never write down anything that might go into
a "Pearl Harbor file".

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
that everything he encounters needs pounding.
       -- ABRAHAM KAPLAN

Give me an example of pro and con.
Progress and Congress.

Given that Nature limited the intelligence of Man, it seems unfair
that she did not limit the stupidity of Man.

Give thought to your reputation.
Consider changing name and moving to a new town.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

God can't alter history, so he created historians.

God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
 - Voltaire -

God made everything out of nothing.
But the nothingness shows through.

"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Saturday."
 - William Bragg -

"God was able to create the world in only seven days
because he had no installed base to consider."
          -- Andy Finkel, Commodore-Amiga Inc.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than going to the garage makes you a car.
   -- Laurence J. Peter

Golf is a good walk spoiled.  -- Mark Twain

Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.

Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.

Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof.

Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense.

Grin_du_Jour is supported in part by a grant from
the National Endowment for the Inanities.

Hail to the Sun God,
He's such a fun god,
  Ra!  Ra!  Ra!

Half of conversation is listening.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns;
he should be drawn and quoted.
   -- Fred Allen

He asked me if I knew what time it was.
I said, "Yes, but not right now."
  -- Steven Wright

He hasn't one redeeming vice.
       -- OSCAR WILDE

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

Hell is a city much like Newark.

Hell is not a place. Hell is what hurts worst.

Help a swallow land at Capistrano.

Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.

Here I am, fifty-eight,
and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
       -- PETER DRUCKER

He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.

"He was so crooked you could use him to pull corks with..."

"He was so narrow minded
he could see through a keyhole with both eyes..."

He who dies with the most toys, wins!

He who does many things makes many mistakes,
but never makes the biggest mistake of all - doing nothing.

He who endures, wins.

He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.

He who has been bitten by six dogs
is legitimately suspicious of the seventh.

He who has had, has been, but he who hasn't been, has been had.

He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.

He who invents adages for others to peruse
takes along rowboat when going on cruise.

He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

He who leaves nothing to chance will do very few things wrong,
but he will do very few things at all.

He who lives on hope has a slender diet indeed.

He who looks too far ahead stumbles over his own boots.

He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
       -- M C ESCHER

He who would climb to the top must leave much behind.

He who would leap high must take a long run.

He who would pursue revenge should first dig two graves.

Hindsight is an exact science.

His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.

History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.

History doesn't repeat itself.  Historians merely repeat each other.

History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.

History occurs twice -
the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa
mistake one another for movie stars.
   -- Fred Allen

Honesty in politics is much like oxygen.
The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.

Honesty is the best policy - unless, of course, you are dealing with
your wife, your girlfriend, your banker, your employer, the I.R.S.,
your creditors...

Horse sense is the thing a horse has
which keeps it from betting on people.
        -- W.C. Fields

How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all?
        -- FIRESIGN THEATER

How can you tell when a salesman is lying?
When his lips are moving.

How come nowadays the word "honesty"
is generally preceded by the phrase "old-fashioned" ?

How long a minute is
depends upon which side of the bathroom door you're on.

How many "coming men" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to?

How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.

How you look depends on where you go.

How young can you die of old age?   -- Steven Wright

Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.   -- Steven Wright

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake,
which I also keep handy.   -- W.C. Fields

I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats.
I don't intend to waste any more of mine running around doing exercises.
   -- Neil Armstrong

I bought a cheap piece of land...
It was on someone else's property.
  -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...  I named him Stay.
It's fun to call him...  "Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"
He went insane.  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
He's an East German Shepherd.
                                  -- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.
I don't know how I got there.
  -- Steven Wright

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it
on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to
the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in
it.  You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and
it starts to snow.  I bought one, except this has a snow plow
that does it in rows.
 (Later:)
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in
it...  Just checking.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.  It wasn't the kind that folds.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I can levitate birds.  No one cares.   -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left."  So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and she said
"I thought I told you to go to sleep."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this.  -- Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I could prove God statistically.
       -- GEORGE GALLUP

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my
Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying
to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the
highway and began hitching.  Within three minutes I got picked
up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new
cars.  I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.
The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get
into one of the cars out back."  So I did.  And he was really
into picking people up because he picked up 19 more.  We all had
our own cars.  Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got
speeding tickets.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy
subway instead.  You couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions---
The curtain was up.     -- George S. Kaufman

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.  It's
called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
Not Raking 'Til Spring."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
   -- Groucho Marx

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
        -- Ashleigh Brilliant

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
inside my fish tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a
call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to
the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
yesterday."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I don't loan money to my brother-in-law anymore, it gives him amnesia.
        -- Henny Youngman

I don't remember ever having had the itch,
and yet scratching is one of nature's sweet pleasures,
and so handy.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve it by not dying.  -- Woody Allen

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
  -- ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind,
what does an empty desk mean ?

If all else fails, read the destructions.

If all the economists in the world were laid end to end,
they would not reach a conclusion.
   -- George Bernard Shaw

If all the nations in the world are in debt,
where did all the money go?
   -- Steven Wright

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

If a problem causes too many meetings,
then the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.

If bankers can count,
how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

If builders constructed buildings the way programmers write programs,
then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
       -- Gerald Weinberg

If doctors' intellects were as big as doctors' egos,
this would be a far healthier world.

I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.

If "everybody knows" such-and-such, then it ain't so,
by at least ten thousand to one.

If everything appears to be going well,
you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery
whether you play or not.
  -- Fran Lebowitz

"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
        -- Albert Einstein

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify".  I wrote "Doctor"...  What's my mother going to do?
                                         -- Steven Wright

If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.   -- Ted Turner

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."  -- Bert Lantz

If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.

If it's not in the computer, then it doesn't exist.

If it's rational, if it's logical, and if it makes good common sense,
then it's simply not done.

If man's best friend is the dog, where does that leave the rest of us?

If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer,
try multiplying by the page number.

If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing
with no lead in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.
              -- Larry Niven

If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation,
no one will be at fault.

If one views his problem sufficiently closely,
he will recognize himself as part of the problem.

If someone gives you so-called good advice, do the opposite; you may
be certain that that will be the right thing nine times out of ten.

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
        -- Pope John Paul I

If some people didn't tell you,
you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If the aborigine drafted an IQ test,
all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it.
       -- STANLEY GARN

If the facts are against you, argue the law.
If the law is against you, pound the table and yell like hell.

If the first person who answers the phone can't handle your question,
then it's a bureaucracy.

If the gods had really intended men to fly,
they'd have made it easier to get to the airport.

If the government hasn't yet taxed, licensed, or regulated it,
then it probably ain't worth anything.

If the nation's economists were all laid end to end,
they would point in all directions.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you
have the pen!
                                         -- Steven Wright

If the plating work that we do for you is defective, we will refund
your money, redo the parts free, close our plant, and have the plant
manager shot. Will that be satisfactory ?

If the shoe fits, you're not allowing for growth.

If the thought of growing old bothers you, consider the alternative.

If the universe is indeed insane, who is the asylum keeper ?

If the world was a logical place men would ride side-saddle.
   -- Rita Mae Brown

If this is the land of the future,
why are we all so given to nostalgia ?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?
                                         -- Steven Wright

If truth were a matter of opinion,
then the majority would always be right.

If we do not change our direction
we are likely to end up where we are headed.

If you are feeling good, don't worry; you'll get over it.

If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs,
then you obviously don't understand what's going on.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

If you cannot logically refute a man's arguments, not all is lost.
You can always call him nasty names.

If you cannot understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
                                         -- Steven Wright

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
       -- ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

If you disinfect the pond, you kill the lilies.

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

If you doubt that Americans believe in God, watch how they drive.

If you gave a monkey control of its environment,
it would fill the universe with bananas.

If you live among the wolves, learn to howl like them.

If young women often do marry men like their fathers,
no wonder their mothers cry at their weddings.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
     -- Mark Twain

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
                                         -- Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?  -- Steven Wright

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
wait till you see what happens tomorrow!

If you think that mental illness interferes with financial success,
just look at the average television evangelist.

If you think that no one cares that you're alive,
try missing a few car payments.

If you think the United States has stood still,
who built the largest shopping center in the world?
       -- RICHARD M NIXON

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.  -- SPIRO AGNEW

If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.  -- RONALD REAGAN

If you want to make people angry, lie to them.
If you want to make them absolutely livid,
then tell 'em the truth.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
                                         -- Steven Wright

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise.

I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I'm not home
and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy
signal.  I like to leave messages before the beep.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one...  It
wasn't doing what I was doing.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me...  I pushed "1" and he just stood there...  I said, "Hi,
where you going?"  He said, "Phoenix."  So I pushed Phoenix.  A
few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
We were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked at him and said, "You
know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with."  We
got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.  Then
the phone rang.  He said, "You get it."  I picked it up and
said, "Hello?"...  The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"...  I said, "Yes..."  The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
Jones, the student loan director from your bank.  It seems you
have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
you.  We would just like to know what happened to the money?"  I
said, "Mr.  Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of
the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
weapon...  An
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly)...  And says, "Here, you
can go."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing
so I bought the album.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information.  She said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't
find my socks."  She said, "They're behind the couch."
And they were!
                                         -- Steven Wright

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
Boy, were they mad!
                                         -- Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
       -- SAMUEL GOLDWYN

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...  The
study of milkmen.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I had to give up drinking, I kept waking up in Utah with a mohawk,
...not the haircut, a big sweaty indian!

I had to stop driving my car for a while...
The tires got dizzy.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I have a friend named Dennis.  Both of his parents were midgets,
but he isn't a midget.  He's a midget-dwarf.  He's two inches
tall.  He's the one who poses for trophies.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I have a map of the United States...  Actual size.  It says,
"Scale:  1 mile = 1 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I
also have a full-size map of the world.  I hardly ever unroll it.
People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
                                         -- Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I
laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
   -- Oscar Levant

I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
on all the beaches of the world...  Perhaps you've seen it.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are furious!
                          -- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.  -- Steven Wright

I just came back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
        -- Henny Youngman

I just got out of the hospital.  I was in a speed reading
accident.  I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I keep wondering if there is an afterlife,
and if there is, will they have change for a twenty?
            -- Woody Allen

I like a man who grins when he fights. -- Winston Churchill

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
    -- Noel Coward

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail...  Kitten On Fire.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I like to pick up hitchhikers.  When they get in the car I say,
"Put on your seat belt.  I want to try something.  I saw it once
in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.  -- Steven Wright

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.  -- Steven Wright

I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.

I'll have you know, sir, that I cannot be bought.
However if you want to rent me for a while, well...

I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
        -- MILES DAVIS

I loathe people who keep dogs.
They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
   -- August Strindberg

I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing
sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where."  I
said, "What's your problem buddy?"  He said, "I'm sick of this
stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there.
I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't
a bird."  I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on
in.  Want some eggs?  Sorry."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I lost a button hole today.  Where am I gonna find another one?
                                         -- Steven Wright

I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?"  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
        -- Jules de Gaultier

I'm a self-made man. Who else would help?  -- Oscar Levant

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
        -- Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off
infinity.  Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
lines on curved roads.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
                                         -- Steven Wright

Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my diety.  -- Ambrose Bierce

I'm prepared for all emergencies
but totally unprepared for everyday life.

I'm so hyper...  (Said with a very dull voice.)   -- Steven Wright

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
   -- Groucho Marx

I'm writing a book.
I've got the page numbers done,
so now I just have to fill in the rest.
    -- Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.  -- Steven Wright

In a family argument,
if it turns out you are right -- apologize at once!

In a mad world, only greater madness succeeds.

In America, the Secretary of Agriculture catches hell for unmanageable
food surpluses; in Russia, his counterpart goes to Siberia because of
unmanageable food shortages.

In any organization,
there are only two people to contact if you want results:
the one at the very top and the one at the very bottom.

In a permissive society,
the cream rises to the top...and so does the scum.

In a world that runs on deceit, deception, and duplicity,
the honest man is always at a disadvantage.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

In death, avoid hell.
In life, avoid the law courts.

In defeat, malice.
In victory, revenge.

In designing any type of machine component, no overall dimension can
be totalled accurately after 4:30pm Friday. The correct total will
become self-evident at 8:15am on Monday.

In doing good, avoid notoriety. In doing evil, avoid self-awareness.

I never fail to convice an audience
that the best thing they can do is to go away.

Inflation: A dollar saved is a quarter earned.   -- John Ciardi

Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
and then complains of indigestion.

In hell, treason is the work of angels.

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
   -- Rex Reed

In jealousy, there is often more self-love than love.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above...  So I never have to go upstairs.
                                         -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut
it out."
                                         -- Steven Wright

In order to obtain a loan, you must first prove that you don't need it.

Inside every big problem is a small problem trying to get out.

Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in extreme pain.

In some countries, Chaucer and Dante are the classics.
In this country, it's a soft drink.

Instead of worrying about the boxes in your organizational chart,
be concerned with the people who are boxed in.

Institutions are more rarely overthrown from without,
more often corroded from within.

Interesting history is awful living.

In the Beginning,
God created the Organization and gave It dominion over man.
 -Genesis, Article VII, section 3, paragraph C.

In the final analysis, entropy always wins.

In the long run, we are all dead.

In third-world politics, the people with the guns call the shots.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I once said cynically of a politician,
"He'll double-cross that bridge when he comes to it."
   -- Oscar Levant

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...  I
changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
landed on my feet.  Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's
done."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I owed my friend George $25.  For about three weeks I owed it to
him.  The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
up.  He said, "Gimme all your money."  I said, "Wait a minute."
I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."  The the
thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
it to George.  At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
from George.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window.  I've been
arrested three times for practicing.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.
I called someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhh..."  -- Steven Wright

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.
Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures
of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.  -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot today."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
walk through into another dimension.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I really hate this da*n machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want,
But only what I tell it.

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act
in cases of oral-genital intimacy,
unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
       -- J EDGAR HOOVER

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking",
but I don't have that much time.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign:  "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.
Some people must be really tired.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said "Help Wanted."  There
was another sign below it that said "Self Service."  So I hired
myself.  Then I made myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I
paid myself.  Then I quit.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
                                         -- Steven Wright

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy
fortune-tellers take economists seriously.

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.  -- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards.  I got a
full house and four people died.
                                         -- Steven Wright

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no
distinctively native American criminal class except Congress.
       -- Mark Twain

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
                                         -- Steven Wright

It doesn't much matter whom you marry, for tomorrow morning you
discover that it was someone else.

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
       -- OSCAR WILDE

It is a grave error to allow any mechanical device to realize
that you are in a hurry.

It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
       -- WILLIE SUTTON

It is axiomatic that even the strongest of men will fall
before a pygmy with a submachine gun.

"It is bad luck to be superstitious."  -- Andrew W. Mathis

It is better to add life to your years
than it is to add years to your life.

It is better to be envied than to be consoled.

It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.

It is better to resign from office than it is to die in office;
that way, you get to hear some of the eulogies.

It is better to wear out than to rust out.

It is difficult to be politically conscious
and upwardly mobile at the same time.

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
unless one has plenty of work to do.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof
because fools are so ingenious.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

It is much easier to suggest solutions
when you know nothing about the problem.

It is often easier to find the truth than it is to accept it.

It is only in Aesop's fables
that an elephant takes advice from a mouse.

It is probably better to be insane with the rest of the world
than to be sane alone.

It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
        -- Hawkwind

It is the manner, and not the content, that marks a gentleman.

It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.

It is when the irritation of doubt causes a struggle to attain belief
that the enterprise of thought begins.

It is wrong to repeat gossip, but what else can you do with it?

I took a baby shower.  -- Steven Wright

I took a speed reading course and
read "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
It involves Russia.   -- Woody Allen

It's a fine night to have an evening.  -- Steven Wright

It's a good apartment because they allow pets.  I have a
Shetland pony named Nikkie.  Last summer Nikkie was involved in
a bizarre electrolysis accident.  All her hair was removed
except for her tail.  Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family
picnics.
                                         -- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.
                                         -- Steven Wright

It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
                                         -- Steven Wright

It's clever, but is it art?

It's difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.

It seems like the less a statesman amounts to,
the more he loves the flag.

It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.

It's not social oppression that moves wild-eyed revolutionaries;
it's envy, pure and simple.

It's not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
       -- LITTLE RICHARD

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.

It takes twenty-five dumb animals to make a fur coat,
and only one to wear it.

It takes very little to make a woman happy,
and more than is contained in heaven and earth to keep her that way.

It usually takes more than three weeks
to prepare a good impromptu speech.
       -- MARK TWAIN

It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.  -- Steven Wright

I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coathanger.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.  -- Steven Wright

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables.  I
was clearing them for take off.  I had them all lined up
outside.  People thought it was an outdoor cafe.  I said, "No,
these are leaving at 3."  They were going to fire me anyway,
because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the
inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get
dirty.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.
I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs; I don't know;
it's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
   -- W.C. Fields

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I've decided to skip "holistic". I don't know what it means and I
don't want to know. That may seem extreme, but I followed the same
strategy with "Gestalt" and the Twist, and lived to tell the tale.
   -- Calvin Trillan

I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it.  I write
right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.  -- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarean section...  But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
window.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had
made out of sponges.  I remember one time when I wore it.  When
I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I
came back.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes,
officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
been serious because I brought a beach towel.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
wires backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned
them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I washed mud, off of mud.  -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading.  Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had
a kaleidoscope.  "We're surrounded."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies."  So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars"...
                                         -- Steven Wright

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. -- Steven Wright

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital
for depressing the other patients.
    -- Oscar Levant

I was once walking through the forest alone.
A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything.  -- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.  -- Steven Wright

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post.  It
said:  "Lost -- $50.  If found, just keep it."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown.  They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one.  I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game *he* was watching was better.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked
up to me and said, "Can I help you?"  and I said "Yeah, do you
got anything I like?"  He said, "What do you mean do we have
anything you like?"  I said, "You started this."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.
The clerk said, "ten-four."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went to a convent in New York and was fired finally for my insistence
that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.
   -- Dorothy Parker

I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
         -- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went to court for a parking ticket.  I pleaded insanity.  I
said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in
the passing lane?"
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They
said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went to the cinema, and the prices were:  Adults $5.00,
children $2.50.  So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading.  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was
in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
to it.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...  Not on purpose.
                                         -- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
is.  Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
say, "I think I might have written that."
                                         -- Steven Wright

I yam what I yam.   -- Popeye

Journalism, like prostitution,
is a career in which just one foray makes a professional.

Just because you are paranoid does not mean that no one is following you.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really after you.

Justice: A decision in your favor.

Justice is incedental to law and order.  -- J EDGAR HOOVER

Justice must not only be done; it must be seen to be believed.

Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.

Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.

Kill the moneylenders.

Kin: An affliction of the blood

Knowledge can cure ignorance, but intelligence cannot cure stupidity.

Know what to kiss -- and when.

LA: where there's never any weather, and walking is a crime.
LA: where the streetlights and palm trees go on forever,
where darkness never comes, like a deal that never goes down,
a meeting that's never taken. The city of angels: where every
cockroach has a screenplay and even the winos wear roller skates.
It's that kind of town.
   -- Ian Shoales

Labor disgraces no man, but often a man disgraces labor.

Large brains can contain small minds.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and
asked her, "Do you live around here often?"  She said, "You're
wearing two different colored socks."  I said, "Yes, but to me
they're the same because I go by thickness."  Then she asked,
"How do you feel?"  and I said, "Well, you know when you're
sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs
then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
second you catch yourself?  I feel like that all the time."
                                         -- Steven Wright

Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.
I didn't know until I got there and set it up.  People
complained because they couldn't see the lake.  There was a
forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest.  It was a forest
made out of paneling.  It was a long, thin forest.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.
I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on.  My ride
came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried
me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car,
and drove to the mountain.  Seventeen miles later, I woke up out
of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving
horizontally.  I'm sure this has happened to you.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my
own food.  My argument was that the concession stand prices are
outrageous.  Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Last week I bought a new phone.  I took it out of the box,
hooked it up to the wall...  Pressed redial.  The phone had a
nervous breakdown.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Last weke I cudn't even spel kumpooter programer and today I are one!

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a
dotted line.  He caught every other fish.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the
driving...  Every half mile...  We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip...  I don't remember what it was.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
 If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set.

Laws of Computer Programming
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
(6) The value of a program is porportional to the weight of its output.
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
    programmer who must maintain it.
(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English,
    and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
   No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats,
   approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
   -- Rita Mae Brown

Leakproof seals - will.
Selfstarters - will not.
Interchangeable parts - won't.

Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.

Less of a good thing is sometimes better - ask anyone on a diet.

Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.

Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Let's just be friends
and make no special effort to ever see each other again.

Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth,
but the only one discovered to date.

Life is a learning experience; the diploma is your death certificate.

Life is a predicament that precedes death.   -- Henry James

Life is a temporary assignment.

Life is a terminal condition.

Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.

Life is like an onion:
you peel off layer after layer,
then you find there is nothing in it.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.  -- Fran Lebowitz

Life's a bitch.
But, then, consider the alternative.

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Little boys throw stones in jest.
Little frogs die in earnest.

Live every day as though it were your last.
One day, you'll be right.

Live within your income, even if you must borrow to do it.

Locks and keys are for honest people.

Logic is a systematic method
for coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Look out!  Behind you!

Lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.
I mimic my shadow.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference
between one person and everybody else.
   -- George Bernard Shaw

Love is sentimental measles.

Love the sea?  I Dote upon it - from the beach.

Luck, it is said, dislikes working double shifts.

Mad:  Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence

Making this world better
will gain you the greatest credit in the next one.

Man does not live by bread alone.
But he da*ned well doesn't live without it, either.

Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
        -- Mark Twain

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he
will pick himself up and carry on..."
     - Winston Churchill -

Many a family tree needs trimming.

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light
so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
   -- Maurice Chevalier

Many desire to kill me,
and many desire to spend an hour chatting with me.
The law protects me from the former.
   -- Karl Krause

Many know how to flatter; few know how to praise.

Marriage is like burning the house down to toast the bread.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- VOLTAIRE

'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
   - George Bernard Shaw -

Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly,
because I may be going in the wrong direction.
       -- ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Mayflies continually plot to topple the cedar.

May you live in interesting times.

Measured with a micrometer.
Marked with chalk.
Cut with an axe.

Measure twice 'cause you can only cut once.

Men and nations will act rationally
when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Men heap together the mistakes of their lives
and create a monster they call destiny.

Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.

Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of

Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.

Miami Beach is where Neon goes to die.  -- Lenny Bruce

Middle age is when you wonder if your warranty is running out.

Might as well be frank, monsieur.
It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca.

Miles aren't the only distance.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
       -- GROUCHO MARX

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
       -- GROUCHO MARX

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.

Misfortune:  The kind of fortune that never misses.

Miss:  A title with which we brand unmarried women
to indicate that they are in the market.

Misster, do you vant to buy a duck.

Monday:  In Christian countries, the day after the football game.

Money cannot buy health,
but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.
   -- Dorothy Parker

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Money will say more in one moment
than the most eloquent lover can in years.

Monotony is the law of Nature.
Observe the monotonous manner in which the sun rises.

More men are sheep in wolves' clothing than the other way around.

Most men and nations die lying down.

Most rock journalism is people who can't write,
interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.
   -- Frank Zappa

Mother Nature applies all her rules...all the time.

Motor gently through the greasemud, for there lurks the skid demon.

Murphy's Golden Rule:
   Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Murphy's Law: If it can go wrong, it will...at the worst possible time
and in the worst possible place.
Fisher's Law: Murphy was an optimist.

My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
                                         -- Steven Wright

My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
                                         -- Steven Wright

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his
birthmark until he was eight years old.
                                         -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour.  I said, "the whole time."
                                         -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
                                         -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend's so intense...  She woke me up the other night
and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were
going to die, would you want to know?"  "Heck no," I said,
"Why?"  "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."
                                         -- Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or
numbers.  He says it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it
was.  You can guess what he told me.
                                         -- Steven Wright

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in
1912...  Well, to make a long story short ...
                                         -- Steven Wright

My heart is pure as the driven slush.  -- Tallulah Bankhead

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
                                         -- Steven Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
                                         -- Steven Wright

My interest is in the future because
I am going to spend the rest of my life there.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...  He can't get out.
                                         -- Steven Wright

My only aversion to vice, is the price.   -- Victor Buono

My only regret in life is that I am not someone else.   ...Woody Allen

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.
It's in the apartment somewhere.
                                         -- Steven Wright

My school colors were clear.  We used to say, "I'm not naked,
I'm in the band."
                                         -- Steven Wright

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated, but not signed.
   -- Christopher Morley

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...  -- Steven Wright

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.  So I'm going
to move to New York.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Never, ever, insult a telephone answering machine.
They have ways of getting even.

Never, ever trust anyone under 30 or over 25.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature".  He may not have one.

Never argue with a fool...people may not be able to tell you apart.

Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.

Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.

Never claim as a right that which you can ask as a favor.

Never climb a fence when you can sit on it.

Never complain;
never explain.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.

Never eat prunes when you are famished.

Never embezzle more than your employer can afford.

Never get into a fight with an ugly person. He has nothing to lose.

Never get mixed up with economists.
Their thinking is muddy and they have bad breath.

Never have so many people understood so little about so much.

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
     -- BILLY ROSE

Never let your sense of morality stop you from doing what is right.

Never make the same mistake twice...there are so many new ones to make!

Never marry a woman who prays too much.

Never mistake good manners for good will.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tommorrow.
   -- Mark Twain

Never question your wife's judgement...look whom she married.

Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.

Never step in anything soft.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Never trust anyone who laughs at his own one-liners.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

Never try to teach a pig how to sing.
It is a waste of time and it annoys the pig.

Never underestimate the power of stupidity.

New systems generate new problems.

Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.

Next to being shot at and missed,
nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

Nice guys get sick.

Nihilism should commence with oneself.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
       -- TALLULAH BANKHEAD

No class of Americans has ever objected to any amount of government
meddling if it appeared to benefit that particular class.

No generalization is true -- not even this one.

No man's knowledge goes beyond his experience.

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe
whilst the legislature is in session.

No matter how bad your kid is, he's still good for a tax exemption.

No matter how long or how diligently you shop for a machine,
once you've purchased it, it will be on sale for 30% less.

No matter where you go on a bicycle,
it will always be uphill and into the wind.

No name, no matter how simple,
can be correctly understood over the phone.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

No one ever found marvels by seeking them.

No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Not all the kookies are in the jar.

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.

Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Nothing in our history is plainer, or more tragic,
than the gulf between cleverness and wisdom.

Nothing in the universe arouses more false hopes
than the first four hours of a diet.

Nothing irritates a standard American corporate executive quite so much
as the sight of someone actually daring to practice capitalism.

Nothing is illegal if 100 businessmen decide to do it.

Nothing is really labor unless you would rather be doing something else.

Nothing motivates a man more
than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now.  I met
her at a Macy's in New York.  She was buying clothes, and I was
putting slinkies on the escalators.  The girl I'm seeing now,
Rachel, is a very pretty girl.  She has emerald eyes and long,
flowing plaid hair.  The last week in August, we went camping
way up in Canada.  We were laying around in the woods and stuff,
and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her
brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about
sandpaper.  She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else.  And
her father is an incredible millionaire.  He's the guy who
designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries
in something.  Having sex with Rachel is amazing.  It's like
going to a concert.  She yells a lot.  She throws frisbees
around the room.  And when she wants more she lights a match.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

Ocean:
A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man --
who has no gills.

Odds are, the phrase "It's none of my business"
will be followed by "but".

Ode to Turbulent Flow:
 Big whirls have little whirls
 Which feed on their velocity,
 And little whirls have lesser whirls
 And so on, to viscosity.

Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts -
for support rather than illumination.

Of those teaching in today's schools, 80 percent are paid twice what
they are worth and 20 percent are paid half what they are worth.

Old age is like a burglar.
It robs you of all the goodies and leaves the rubbish.

Old men and comets have long been revered for the same reasons;
their long beards and their supposed ability to foretell events.

Old men are fond of giving good advice
to console themselves for their inability to give bad examples.

Old men make wars.
Young men fight them.

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

Once upon a time, there were two Chinamen.
Now look how many there are.

Once you understand the problem,
you find that it is worse than you expected.

One da*ned thing leads to another da*ned thing.

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...  I sat beside her.  I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I
can't tell you.  I don't even know you..."  I said, "Well
sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...  By the way, my
name is Denise."  I said, "Hello, Denise.  My name is Bucky
Goldstein..."
                                         -- Steven Wright

One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.

One good thing about living on a farm
is that you can fight with your wife and ain't nobody gonna hear.

One lawyer = a crook.
Two lawyers = a law firm.
Three or more lawyers = a legislature.

One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.

One may generally observe a singular accord
between supercelestial ideas and subterranean behavior.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house.  I was
walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess
told me to sit down.
                                         -- Steven Wright

One night I came home very late.  It was the next night.
                                         -- Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish.  My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
                                         -- Steven Wright

One sees more clearly backward than forward.

One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid
starvation and keep out of prison, but anything beyond this is
voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.
   -- Bertrand Russell

One thing you can say for kids:
they don't go around showing pictures of their grandparents.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."
                                         -- Steven Wright

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum
had been done by children.  They had all the paintings up on
refrigerators.
                                         -- Steven Wright

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab.
The movie cost me $95.
                                         -- Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
flash on my camera to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and
took fifty pictures of my face.  The neighbors thought there was
lightning in my house.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.

Only a sadistic scoundrel -- or a fool --
tells the bald truth on social occasions.

On the ONE day you take your secretary to lunch,
your wife will be lunching in the same restaurant.

On the other hand...  You have different fingers.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.

Our architect's plans for plant renovation begin
with a precision air strike.

Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.

Ours is a world where people don't know what they want
and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Peace is a premise the existence of which we have deduced
from the intervals between wars.

People, like turtles,
make little progress without sticking their necks out.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

People use the most words
when they are the least certain of what they are saying.

People who cough a lot never go to the doctor...
just to movies, concerts, and lectures.

People who have no faults are terrible:
there is no way to take advantage of them.

People who have no faults are terrible;
there is no way of taking advantage of them.

People who live in a golden age complain that everything looks yellow.

People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.

People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.

Pessimists are the world's happiest people....
Ninety percent of the time they are right,
and the other ten percent they are pleasantly surprised.

Phonograph, n. an irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.
   -- Ambrose Bierce

Pinocchio was such a dolt to try to become a human being.
He was much better off with a wooden head.

Pioneering basically amounts to finding
new and more horrible ways to die.
 - John W. Campbell -

Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labors in vein.

Please don't ask me what the score is,
I'm not even sure what the game is.
       -- ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Please ignore previous message.

Please take note:

Policemen with private motives are dangerous.

Political cunning should never be mistaken for intelligence.

Politicians are much like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog.

Politicians deal with the public on the basis of the mushroom policy:
Keep them in the dark and feed them manure.

Posterity is just around the corner.   -- George S. Kaufman

Post no bills.

Practical politics consists of ignoring the facts.
Come to think of it, practical anything consists of that.

Pray, n. To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf
of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
   -- Ambrose Bierce

Predestination was doomed from the start.

Proctologist's revenge: put Ben-Gay in a guy's tube of Nupercainal.

Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.

Promptness is its own reward,
if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.

Proof-positive that Eastern and Western technologies
can indeed work together: the Teflon-coated wok.

Proper treatment can cure a cold in seven days --
but left to itself it'll hang on for a week.

Psychopaths aren't born. They are made.

Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal
down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.

Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.

Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.

Rabbits dance at the funeral of the lion.

Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.

Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful,
You might as well live.
   -- Dorothy Parker

Real computer scientists don't write code.
They occasionally tinker with "programming systems",
but those are so high level that they hardly count,
(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.

Reality precedes perception.
Except, of course, in southern California.

(Referring to a glass of water:)  I mixed this myself.  Two
parts H, one part O.  I don't trust anybody!
                                         -- Steven Wright

Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.

Remember that two wrongs do not make a right -- but three lefts do.

Remember the good old days
when juvenile delinquency was observed mainly in juveniles ?

Remember when "There's something in the air"
was just a figure of speech ?

Reputation:  what others are not thinking about you.

Respect for ourselves guides our morals;
deference to others governs our manners.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Romantic love is mental illness.
But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug.
It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible
to fall in love with someone that you really saw. The second you meet
someone that you're going to fall in love with, you deliberately become
a moron. You do this in order to fall in love, because it would be
impossible to fall in love with any human being if you actually saw them
for what they are.
   -- Fran Lebowitz

Ronald Reagan: A triumph of the embalmer's art.   -- Gore Vidal

Rotate left! Rotate right! Push on, pop off, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!

Roughing it is television without cable.

Rumors are the sauce of a dry life.

Saints engage in introspection while burly sinners run the world.

Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.

Scandal, like hypocrisy, is bipartisan.

Science has finally found what distinguishes
Man from the other beasts: financial worries.

Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
   -- H.L. Mencken

Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle
and finding the farmer's daughter.

She go her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
   -- Groucho Marx

She's learned to say things with her eyes
that others waste time putting into words.

Show me anything whereof it may be said "See, this is new,"
and I will show you it hath been.

"Shut up!"  -- Little Richard

Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex.

Since few large pleasures are lent to us on a long lease,
it is wise to cultivate a large undergrowth of small pleasures.

Small change can often be found under seat cushions.

Small things entertain small minds.

Smooth seas never made a good sailor.

"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more '
user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take
all the old brochures, and stamp the words,
'user-friendly' on the cover."
       - Bill Gates,Pres.,Microsoft,Inc. -

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there
anyway except for this girl I was seeing.  We had conflicting
attitudes:  I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't
really into being alive.  I told her I knew when I was going to
die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Some men are discovered; others are found out.

Some people are always lost in thought;
other people lack thoughts large enough to be lost in.

Some people can look so busy that they seem indispensable.

Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.

Some people like my advice so much
that they frame it upon  the wall instead of using it.
   - Gordon R. Dickson -

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote
the book or even what book.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears.  I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth.  With braces on them.  George is a radio announcer, and
when he walks under a bridge...  You can't hear him talk.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.
    - S. Freud

Sometimes it is good to be only a fly
when giants are fighting for the heavens.

Songs unheard are sweeter far.

Sorry, my mind was wandering.  One time my mind went all the way
to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.

Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Standing on head makes smile of frown,
but rest of face also upside down.

Stay away from flying saucers today.

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.

Stress is that condition created when the mind overrides the body's
basic desire to choke the living sh*t out of some asshole who
desperately needs it.

Strong words connote weak arguments.

Succeeding is more satisfying than success.

Success consists of reaching 40 before your waist does.

Support your local bloodhound.
Get lost.

Sure there are dishonest men in local government.
But there are dishonest men in national government too.
       -- RICHARD M NIXON

Surprise due today.  Also the rent.

Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.

Swap read error.  You lose your mind.

Sympathy is what you give a relative
when you don't want to lend him cash.

Take care of the luxuries
and the necessities will take care of themselves.

Take care which rut you choose;
you'll be in it for the next ten years.

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.  -- KEN KESEY

Taking something with a grain of salt may raise your blood pressure.

Tatoos are the common man's way of investing in art.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Television--a medium.
So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
   -- Ernie Kovacs

Television is a device that permists people who haven't anything to do
to watch people who can't do anything.   -- Fred Allen

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained
in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.
   -- David Frost

Television is chewing gum for the eyes.   -- Frank Lloyd Wright

Tell a man that there are 500 million trillion stars
in the universe and he will believe you.
Tell him that there's wet paint on that bench....

Ten years of rejection slips
is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.

Thank you for observing ALL safety precautions.

"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
      - Thoreau -

"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."

That which is crooked cannot be made straight,
although there are psychotherapists who might disagree.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

The average U.S. taxpayer is proud to be paying taxes.
Of course, he could be just as proud for half the money.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.

The best bilge pump in the world is a terrified sailor with a bucket.

The best way to achieve immortality is by not dying.

The best way to attract money is to give the appearance of having it.

The best way to avoid growing old is not to be born so soon.

The best way to make fire with two sticks
is to insure that one of them is a match.

The best way to save face is to keep the lower half closed.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies;
probably because they are generally the same people.
  -- G. K. Chesterton

The bigger they are, the harder they punch.

The biggest idiot can ask questions the smartest man cannot answer.

The Boy Scout credo: sound mind, sound body...take your choice.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
                                         -- Steven Wright

The British parliament is called the "Mother of Legislatures".
A somewhat similar term is often applied to Congress.

The Christian ideal has not been tested and found wanting;
it has been found difficult and left untried.
   --  G. K. Chesterton

The civilization of one epoch becomes the manure of the next.
   --  Cyril Connolly

The Constitution doesn't mean that everyone is as good as everyone else,
it means that everyone should have the same LAWS as everybody else. It
doesn't mean that everybody is as smart or as cute or as lucky as
everybody else. People have distorted the idea of democracy.
   -- Fran Lebowitz

The cow is nothing but a machine
that makes grass fit for us people to eat.
        -- John McNulty

The danger in being king is that after a while
you begin to believe you really are one.

The deepest and most important virtues are often the dullest ones.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional
to the level of management.

The Devil's greatest triumph was convincing the modern world
that he doesn't exist.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
       -- BUCKMINSTER FULLER

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly
on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
   -- P.G. Wodehouse

The fifteen minute morning coffee break
is when your employees take a break from doing nothing.

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
       -- ABBIE HOFFMAN

The first great gift that we can bestow upon others is a good example.

The first place in which to look for something
is the last place in which you expect to find it.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
       -- PAUL ERLICH

The first thing I do in the morning
is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
       -- ALAN COULT

The fraudulence of the exercise is proportional to the margin of victory.

The galaxy is full of dishonorable men ...
Well, everyone's got to make a living.

The gap between theory and practice is filled with apology.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.

The good thing about masturbation
is that you don't have to dress up for it.
   -- Truman Capote

The great classes of people will more easily fall victim
to a great lie than to a small one.

The great tragedy of our era is not the significance of things
but the insignificance of things.

The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings
when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.

The healthy stomach is nothing if not conservative;
few radicals have good digestions.

The human brain is a wonderous instrument.
It starts working the moment you wake up
and doesn't stop until you get to the office.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."
                                         -- Steven Wright

The last man on Earth sat alone in a room.
There was a knock on the door...

The last time doctors went on strike,
the death rate dropped thirty percent.

The later you are for your flight,
the more times you have to go through the metal detector.

The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the
poor to sleep under bridges, beg in the streets, and steal bread.

The lawyer's credo:
if you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance,
baffle 'em with bullsh*t.

The light at the end of the tunnel
is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.

The longer you wait in line,
the greater the probability that it is the wrong line.

The man who is always talking about being a gentleman never is one.

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.

The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
       -- TENESSEE WILLIAMS

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the probability
that the competition already has the order.

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
                -- Andy Warhol

The most beautiful days of the year
are always the days just before and just after your vacation.

The most incomprehensible thing about the world
is that it is comprehensible.
       -- ALBERT EINSTEIN

The most merciful thing in the world ...
is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
                -- H. P. Lovecraft

The most successful journey is a dull journey.

The mouse dreams dreams that would terrify the cat.

Them that has, gets.

The nice thing about scientific studies is that you can always find
one that proves conclusively that your product is safe and that your
competitor's causes cancer.

The number of employees in any work group tends to increase
irrespective of the amount of work to be done.

The number of people watching you
is directly proportional to the stupidity of what you're doing.

"The one charm of marriage
is that it makes a life of deception a necessity."
      - Oscar Wilde -

The one time in the day that you lean back and relax
is the one time the boss comes strolling through the plant.

The only government handout that I want
is the government's hand out of my pocket.

The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.

The only people that snobs want to know
are those who don't want to know them.

The only people to profit from the mistakes of others are biographers.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

The only rose without thorns is friendship.

The only things in history that are inevitable
are those that have already happened.

The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig is the female version.

The only valid generalization that can be made about scientists is
that they require unlimited resources for improbable projects of
interminable gestation periods.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
   -- Mark Twain

The opera ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely
with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank....
The really big chunks always rise to the top.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...  on
the ledge.  Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.
                                         -- Steven Wright

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
a tree.
                                         -- Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it
around for a while.  I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
He asked where I lived.  I said, "right here, officer".  Later,
I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
"Get out of my driveway!"
                                         -- Steven Wright

"The personal computer market is about the same size as the
total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the
size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total
worldwide sales of pantyhose"
    - James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -

The person who buys the most raffle tickets
has the least chance of winning.

The person who marries for money generally ends up earning it.

The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first.

The price of total freedom is total anarchy.
The price of total security is total enslavement.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

The probability of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side
down is proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The probability of someone watching you
is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The probability of your alarm not going off
increases in direct proportion to the importance of your 8:00am meeting.

The promises of maniacs,
like those of salesmen,
are not safely relied upon.

The race is not always to the swift,
nor the battle to the strong,
but that's the way to bet 'em.

The rat race is over. The rats won.

There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.

The real crime in education today is not the way we treat teachers
but whom we allow to be teachers.

The real outrage today isn't what's illegal.
It's what is legal.

There are few people more often in the wrong
than those who cannot endure to be thought so.

There are more old drunkards than old doctors.

There are no games on this system.

There are no moral messages in Nature.

There are only four basic plots in life, and nine in literature.

"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
      - Heisenberg -

There are those who make things happen.
There are those who watch things happen.
And there are those who wonder what happened.

There are three rules for successfully managing people:
Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

There are three things I have always loved and never understood
- art, music, and women.

There are three types of deliberate falsehoods:
lies, da*ned lies, and salesmen's promises.

There are two kinds of men who never amount to much:
those who cannot do what they are told,
and those who can do nothing else.

There are two periods in which Congress does no business:
one is before the holidays and the other is after.

The reason the way of the sinner is hard is because it is so crowded.

The reason why worry kills more people than work does
is that more people worry than work.

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

There is always one more son of a b*tch than you counted on.

There is an optimal size for any project,
and it is always bigger than you can afford.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

   There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

There is a thin line between genius and insanity.
I have erased this line.
   -- Oscar Levant

There is a time for everything.
Mostly, the wrong time.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

There is nothing like a grievance to sharpen an old man's wits.

There is nothing more terrible than ignorance in action.

There is nothing wrong with you
that an expensive surgical operation cannot prolong.

There is no time like the present
for postponing what you ought to be doing.

There is no truth in the rumor that man is immortal.

There is wisdom in madness,
and strong probability of truth in all accusations,
for people are complete, and everybody is capable of anything.

The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
                                         -- Steven Wright

There's always one more bug.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
                                         -- Steven Wright

There's no intelligent life down here.

There's nothing wrong with Southern California
that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
   -- Ross MacDonald

There's nothing wrong with gluttony...providing you don't overdo it.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
                                         -- Steven Wright

The Round Table thing was GREATLY overrated.
It was full fo people looking for a free lunch and asking,
"Did you hear the funny thing I said yesterday?"
   -- Dorothy Parker

The Russians will never invade us...there's no place to park.

The saddest of words: I always wanted to but never did.

The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be it's parent.
   -- Mell Lazarus

The secret of staying young is finding an age that you really like
and then sticking with it.

The secret of success is sincerity.
Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

These days, an education is essential for career success.
Unless, of course, you run for Congress.

The ship of state is the only ship that leaks at the top.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The smaller the issue, the bigger the fight.

The sole reliable test of a first-rate intelligence is to hold two
opposite ideas in the mind whilst still retaining the ability to tie
one's own shoe laces.

The sooner man begins to spend his wealth, the better he uses it.

The standard of intellect in politics is so low
that men of moderate mental capacity have to stoop to reach it.
   -- Hillaire Belloc

The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney...
                                         -- Steven Wright

The strongest part of any paper form is the perforation.

The successful enjoyment of vice requires training and long practice.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time.  It rose
twice.  Everything had two shadows.
                                         -- Steven Wright

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

The tale of the errant entrepreneur:
High chair; high school; high hopes; high finance; "Hi, Warden!".

The Ten Commandments are commandments, not suggestions.
   -- Ted Koppel (from a speech at Duke University)

The tragedy of life is not in the fact of death,
but what may die within us while we live.
     -- Warcry magazine

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation
but not the power of speech.
   -- George Bernard Shaw

The trouble with the rat race is that
even if you win, you're still a rat.
   -- Lily Tomlin

The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
And vice versa.

The universe is governed by a committee;
no one man could make that many mistakes.

The universe is laughing behind your back.

The very same American textile industry that lobbies hysterically
against the import of textile products imports virtually all its
textile manufacturing machinery...I wonder why

The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market
is to start with a large fortune.

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
   -- WAVY GRAVY

The whole of life is futile
unless you regard it is a sporting proposition.

The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.

The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of dirt.

The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!

The world is disgracefully managed; one hardly knows to whom to complain.

They don't invite you to the White House for a drink because they
think you are thirsty.

They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!

They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning...
(Picks up his glass of water from the stool...)  I like to live
on the edge...
                                         -- Steven Wright

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
       -- DWIGHT D EISENHOWER

Things get worse under pressure.

Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.

Think of your family tonight.
Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.

Think twice before speaking. But don't say "think think click click".

This file will self-destruct in five minutes.

This Grin du Jour program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "randchar".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.

This guy walked into my office one day and started talking about this
science fiction show he had in mind. He called it "Star Trek". I remember
saying, "It sounds marvelous, whatever the hell it is." And I remember
thinking, "Oh, my God! This will never sell!"
        --Oscar Katz, speaking of Gene Roddenberry

This is a *dangerous* place.

This is my impression of a bowling ball...  (Drags the mike
along the floor, then lifts it...)  Gutter...
                                         -- Steven Wright

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.
It should be thrown with great force.
   -- Dorothy Parker

This isn't all true.  -- Steven Wright

This will be a memorable month --
no matter how hard you try to forget it.

Thoreau's Law:
 If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
doing you good, you should run for your life.

Those things are better which are perfected by Nature
than those which are finished by art.

Those who beat their swords into plowshares
generally end up plowing for those who didn't.

Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.

Those who can - do.
Those who can't - teach.
Those totally devoid of useful ability become government economists.

Those who can't write, write manuals.

Those who do not follow are dragged.

Those who do not learn from history often end up making it.

Those who like sausage or political policy
should not watch either being made.

Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.

Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.

Time is nature's way of making sure that
everything doesn't happen at once.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.  -- Steven Wright

Tip the world over on its side
and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
       -- FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT

To a little fish, the waters are always deep.

To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

To a weary horse, even his own tail is a burden.

To be sure, the dog is loyal.
But why, on that account, should we take him as an example?
He is loyal to men, not to other dogs.
   -- Karl Kraus

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first,
and call whatever you hit the target.
       -- ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

To criticize the incompetent is easy;
it is more difficult to criticize the competent.

Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said,
"Hello?"  and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They
said, "Uh...  I don't think so...  he's only 2 months old."
I said, "I'll wait."
                                         -- Steven Wright

Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.  I
sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Today's conservative is yesterday's liberal who got mugged last night.

To die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture.
   -- Anatole France

To do is to be - Nietzsche
To be is to do - Sartre
Do be do be do - Sinatra

"To err is human, to compute divine.
Trust your computer but not its programmer"
 - Morris Kingston -

To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer.
To create utter chaos with no perceivable possibility of salvation
calls for an MBA.

To give happiness is to deserve happiness.

To have honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey the sauce to sugar.

To hear tell a hundred times is not as good as once seeing.

Tonight's the night:  Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Too much of anything is wonderful.

Too much self-love makes you jealous of the people that envy you.

To spot the true expert, pick the one who predicts
the job will take the longest and cost the most.

To understand the clay is not to understand the pot.

Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.

Truth is a hard master to serve,
for the more devotedly you serve her,
the more she hurts you.

Truth is very precious,
so salesmen and politicians use it very sparingly.

Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They
lay there and looked at each other.  Their families came and
took them away.  Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.  What did
you think?"
                                         -- Steven Wright

Tyranny is always better organized than freedom is.

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings.  Whenever
I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call.  One time
I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop
ringing, so I had it disconnected.  I bought a new phone though.
I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone --
it had no number 5 on it.  I saw a close friend of mine the
other day...  He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?"  I
said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no five
on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't
know...  My calendar has no sevens on it."
                                         -- Steven Wright

Under some conditions, in some place, at some time,
there will always be at least one law, ordinance, or statute
under which you can be booked.
    -- ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)


Under the most rigorously controlled conditions
of temperature, pressure, humidity, time, and voltage,
the machine will do as it da*ned well pleases.

Universities are full of knowledge.
The freshmen bring a little in,
and the seniors take none away,
so knowledge accumulates.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose
when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
   -- Fran Lebowitz

"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.

Virtue does not lend itself
to the same verbal enthusiasms that vice does.

Vote anarchist

Wasting time is an important part of living.

Watch out for the old mortar in the rocks in the fourteenth hole trick.

W.C. Fields was confined to a hospital bed during his final illness
and a friend was surprised to catch him reading the Bible.
"Just looking for loopholes." he explained.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
       -- OSCAR WILDE

We are all passengers in the leaky rowboat of life.
So, bail faster, da*n it!

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
       -- DWIGHT D EISENHOWER

We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know
because they have never deceived us.

We are tied down to a language which makes up in obscurity
what it lacks in style.

We are what we pretend to be.  -- KURT VONNEGUT, JR

We do not know who first discovered water.
However, we are confident that it was not a fish.

We don't know one millionth of one per cent about anything.

We have met the enemy and not only is he ours, he is us.
        -- Walt Kelly

We know what we are, but not what we may be.

Welcome to the totally-automated, fully computerized world of the
twenty-first century, where nothing can go wrong...
go wrong...go wrong...

We prefer to speak evil of ourselves than not speak of ourselves at all.

We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.

We read to say that we have read.

We really don't have any enemies.
It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.

Western Civilization: It would be a good idea.
   -- Mohandas K. Gandhi

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going
through a green light.  We pleaded "maybe".  I asked the judge
if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further
questions."
                                         -- Steven Wright

What do batteries run on?  -- Steven Wright

What do the lie detector and Wonder Woman have in common ?
They were invented by the same person.
Kinda figures, doesn't it.

What do you call 500 bureaucrats at the bottom of the Potomac river?
A start.

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
 - Bill Kirchenbaum -

Whatever is not nailed down is the government's.
Whatever the government can pry loose is not nailed down.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men
to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
   -- Charlotte Whitton

What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone?
You can't make a Vitamin.

What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.

What orators lack in depth they make up in length.

What passes for woman's intuition
is often nothing more than man's transparency.

What people say behind your back is your standing in the community.

What's another word for Thesaurus?  -- Steven Wright

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.

What the world *really* needs, is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.

What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.

What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

When a broken machine is demonstrated for the repairman,
it will work perfectly.

When all is said and done, there's nothing left to say or do.
    - Daryl Dawkins

When a man dies, he does not die just of the disease he has;
he dies of his whole life.

When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport;
when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.
   -- George Bernard Shaw

When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

When choosing between two evils,
I always like to take the one I've never tried before.
       -- MAE WEST

When comes the revolution, things will be different -
not better, just different.

"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B',
'A' is most likely a scoundrel."
H. L. Mencken -

Whenever a man casts a longing eye at public office,
a rottenness appears in his conduct.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some da*ned fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
totally beyond recognition.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

When God endowed human beings with brains,
He did not intend to guarantee them.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre.  It's a good airline.  You
buy a one way round trip ticket.  You leave any Monday, and they
bring you back the previous Friday...  That way you still have
the weekend.
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins.  Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.
                                         -- Steven Wright

When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.

When in trouble or in doubt,
Run in circles, yell and shout.

When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging;
when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive,
its called hospitality.
       -- AL CAPONE

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year.  I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
I'll be ninety.
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I was a baby, I kept a diary.  Recently, I was rereading
it.  It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move.  Day 2 --
Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
have any toy train schedules?"
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand
box.  I was an only child...  Eventually.
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I was eight, I played Little League.  I was on first; I
stole third; I went straight across.  Earlier that week, I
learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
direct line.  I took advantage of that knowledge.
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round.  There was
a gunshot nearby.  The horses stampeded.  There I was running
down the street on a purple wooden horse.
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator
practice.
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?"  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
                                         -- Steven Wright

When I works, I works fast.
When I plays, I plays hard.
And when I thinks, I falls asleep.

When smashing monuments, always save the pedestals - they come in handy.

When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem,
you modify the problem, not the remedy.

When women kiss, it always reminds one of prizefighters shaking hands.
   -- H.L. Mencken

"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."

When you become used to never being alone,
you may consider yourself Americanized.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.

When you've read about one train wreck, you've read about them all.

Wherever possible, put people on `HOLD'.

Where you stand on an issue depends upon where you sit.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my
bedroom.  They put it in *exactly* the same place it was.
When I told my roommate, he said:  "Do I know you?"
                                         -- Steven Wright

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine,
shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving.

Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement
unless it was to avoid responsibility?

Why do they always start off the evening news with "Good evening" when
all they do is tell you why it isn't ?

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put
your two cents in?"  Somebody's making a penny.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money ?

Why long for glory, which one despises as soon as one has it ?

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head.  If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
real quick.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo.  He got
pretty good.  He could go under a rug.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm
as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.

Women...  Can't live with 'em...  Can't shoot 'em.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.

Women should be obscene and not heard.   -- Grouch Marx

Women's taste in neckties is as bad as men's in chintz.

Workers these days don't mind putting in an honest day's work.
Trouble is, it takes 'em a week to do it.

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

Worth seeing?  Yes, but not worth going to see.

Would that reason were as contagious as emotion.

Would you fly in an airliner designed and built by the lowest bidder?

Xerox never comes up with anything original.

Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death, I shall
fear no evil, 'cause I'm the meanest s.o.b. in the valley.

Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in
Seattle, Washington.  One day a man walked in and asked, "If I
can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?"  Two days
later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight
Bosco on the job.
                                         -- Steven Wright

Years ago, the symbol of America was the bald eagle.
Today, it is the beer bottle on the side of the road.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...
When I came back the entire area was missing.
                                         -- Steven Wright

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
   -- James Thurber

You can get more with a kind word and a gun
than you can with just a kind word.

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

You cannot reason a man out of that which he has not been reasoned into.

You cannot tame a tiger by pulling but one of his teeth.

You can say this for death and taxes: when you are done with one,
you're done with the other.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood,
place it in the navel of a fruitfly,
and still have room enough for
three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
   -- Fred Allen

You can't drown your troubles, not the real ones, because if they are
real, they can swim.

You can't have a clear head when there is a sword hanging over it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?  ...Steven Wright

You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.

You can't throw dirt without losing a little ground.

You can't underestimate the power of fear.
       -- TRICIA NIXON

You could get a new lease on life --
if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance.

"You don't have to explain something you never said"
 - Calvin Coolidge -

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians,
who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
 - M. Somerset Maugham -

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're reading, reading...  And all of a sudden you
notice your eyes are closed?  I'm like that all the time.
                                         -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
get to the top, and you think there's one more step?  I'm like
that all the time.
                                         -- Steven Wright

You know that it's gonna be a bad day when you call
Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You know you are in trouble when you come to work in the morning and
the boss tells you not to take off your coat.

You know you are in trouble when your only son tells you he wishes
Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

You may not get what you pay for, but you always pay for what you get.

You never know how many friends you have
until you own a house at the beach.

You only go around once, and there's not enough gusto for everyone.

You rarely observe a mob rushing across town to do a good deed.

Your enemy is the instrument of your destiny.

Your freedom to swing your arm ends where my nose begins.

Your manuscript is both good and original;
but the part that is good is not original
and the part that is original is not good.
    -- Samuel Johnson

You smash it - and I'll build around it.
       -- JOHN LENNON

You've one mouth and two ears...use them in that proportion.

Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go right.

ZZZipple grelbnot horbnofg asirvnig fzouple!  Or something like that.