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AT THE FUNNY FARM ================= Some 'half kidding - whole ernest' articles, which if I didn't have an first hand experience of the computing industry, would have dismissed as impossible and a figment of someones imagination. ~~~OOOO~~~ Program Design and Structured methodologies ------------------------------------------- In the producing of any computer program there is always a need for using a structured design methodology, something which is all to often left out. Now many of us already use a design system for our programs, but are we using the most eficcient method or not. I fear not, but do not despair yet, for this document will teach you exactly how to make eficient designs for eficient programs. 1 Choose an outdated language such as Fortran or Cobol (But never Basic, Pascal or C) The reasons for this are multifold, firstly in selecting an old and limited language, your boss cannot give you complicated programs to write, and this is a great advantage already over your collegues. Secondly its much more convenient to write self modifying code in fortran or similair old languages, thus allowing a great deal more flexability. Thirdly when your program dosnt work Its much easier to use the excuse that "the compiler Im using is a Fortran 66 compiler, and I am used to using a fortran 77 compiler". fourthly nobody else understands the language, meaning that you can really mess up the code and no one will notice, or keep correcting it, and best of all, after its written, you will be the only person who can maintain it, so no matter how little you do, they cant fire you. 2. Carefully consider all the inputs, outputs and processing that is involved, and think of who else has written similair code, and consult them about the program. If they prove difficult, check there hard disk while there out at lunch ( its always a good idea to take a disk editor with you in case they have deleted it, or have it in a hidden directory). Further to this check for routines which have desirable side effects, they always brighten up the program, and ensure that youll be kept busy maintaining it at an extortionate price. 3 Any further routines needed must be written by yours truly, and there is no avoiding detailed documentation for this. Many people write out there documentation, on paper or on a computer, but both have the same two fallacies, firstly that paper, disks and computers can go missing, or burn, and are subject to a whole range of natural disasters, not dismissing coffee spills magnets, and lightning. secondly there amazingly slow, boring and need too much effort. This leaves us with the best media for program design notes, grey matter. Though the human brain is subject to many of the above natural disasters, But lets face it, if you get struck by lightning youll get loads of sick leave, so somone else will have to do the program anyway. So we have an instant read/write access media with almost infinite storage capabilities, with the side benifit that data stored within this media is almost imoervious to duplication and any other forms of piracy. 4 While designing the program, there are a number of disputed points to remember. i) Never program in a modular fasion, though more readable, it slows the program, and makes it too easy for a smart alec to understand, and then do you out of a job. ii) Use gotos when convenient, and gosubs, youll find them quite unsurpassed at getting you out of loops and X-single entry single exit routines. Fortrans goto is really good too, you can list different labels for different conditions. (The use of goto's is particularly good for screwing up folk trying to understand your code) iii) Nested loops are fun, especially when you use a goto to get out of them. When doing this it is however advisable to define a lot of stack space before running the program. Infact its almost as much fun as the next one, recursion. Nested loops are also good for fancy graphics and sound routines. iv) Recursion. Now were talking, you can do mindbogglingly amazing things with recursion, it has to be the most efficient way ever devised to use up memory and processing time, coz say you programmed in a recursive routine to create solutions for the old towers of hanoi problem, and told it to do 1000 disks, it would store an array, or stack of 1000 elements for each move, which would probably be about the equivelant of an array of 2,500,000 elements. You find recursion is especially fun with stacks, queues, arrays, or trees. The other thing is the time this all takes, This is especially fun on mainframes, when it slows everything right down, giving you time to get fresh coffee between the sparse appearancess of the prompt on your screen. v) Decisions. Well this is an interisting concept, though it initially looks very boring, one sees that the hidden beauty of the if command lise in the way it augments the previous commands. secondly carefull use of the if command in conjunction with the goto command can create 1-For Next loops 2-Do While loops 3-Repeat untill loops 4-interesting loops 5) If you have completed the program without documenting it then youve learnt the most important rule of programming, FIGURE OUT THE DESIGN AFTER YOU WRITE THE PROGRAM ********************************************************* *\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\* */I hope all who read this have enjoyed it, and if you /* *\Want to encourage me to write more, then why not call\* */DARK STAR Bullitin Board, 0224 571975 1200/2400 baud\/* *\11pm-5:30pm weekdays/\/\/11pm-10am weekends\/\/\/\/\/\* */\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\\/\/* *\Written by Andy Gilmour 12-Nov-1990\/\//\\/\/\///\\\/\* */Distribute freely/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\///\\\/\////\\\\/* *\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\////\\\\/////\\\\\* ********************************************************* ~~~OOOO~~~ A NEW MILLENIUM =============== Many users will be aware that the current Date algorithms used in computer systems will be unable to handle the digit change at the start of the year 2000. A coordinating committee has investigated the problem and produced a paper recommending immediate action in order to prevent widespread chaos. The solution, elegant in its simplicity, is that the date will be reset to 1967, giving the technicians a further 23 years to solve the problem. Users are requested to facilitate this change by searching out and wearing any flared jeans, kaftans, multicoloured headbands or wide-collared shirts. Noddy Holder ties are however, not considered appropriate. Special "Computing is Cool" tie-dye T-shirts will be on sale at the usual distribution points and the Newsletter will, in future, be dipped in patchouli. There will be some changes to Error Messages. A short guide to these changes follows: New message Old message =========== =========== Like, cosmic man! Unexpected asterisk found Way out man! Array bound error Too much! Filesize limit exceeded What a downer System crash Far out man! Segmentation violation Hey, that's cool! Compilation completed It's a gas! No boot disk in drive A Gotta split Spawned process activated Heavy scene Error limit exceeded I'm a Saggitarius Sign error Downloaded from JUSAVO BBS - Tel 0324 32414 ~~~OOOO~~~ Q: How many Macintosh designers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: A hundred. Ten to do it and 90 to write documentation number GC7500439-0001 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10 percent of the pages state "This page deliberately left blank." and 20 percent of the definitions are in the form "A whoopeedoo consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by blanks." Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb? A: 2 people - Preliminary discussion on concept of change. 1 person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture. 2 people - Feasability study and timetable of events. 2 people - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility). 1 person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC) 4 people - Commonality task force on bulb change. 15 people - Change bulb. 5 people - Perform bulb functional test. 2 people - Perform bulb load test. 3 people - Perform bulb regression test. 1 person - Perform bulb performance analysis. 1 person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis. 1 person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility). 1 person - Interface with Utilities Commision. 1 person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable flourescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)! 5 people - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) compatibility/ architecture study. 3 people - ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot). 3 people - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already(!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one). 5 people - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket. 10 people - Determine how to perform bulb change product split (control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies). 1 person - Interface with utilities commision QA group. 1 person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Centre). 1 person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system. 10 people - Answer customers BPRs. 11 people - Football team to challenge bulb changers. ~~~OOOO~~~ Construction Project: ATOM BOMB The following paper is taken from the Journal of Irreproducible results, Volume 25 Number 4 1979. -P O Box 234 Chicago Heights. Illinois 60411. Subscriptions are $3.70 for a year. 1. INTRODUCTION. ================= Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an ATOMIC BOMB. The reason usually given by the courts is that National Security would be compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most major Metropolitian Libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States cannot insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases claim National Security as a blanket restriction. The rumours that have unfortunately occured as a result of widespread misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device. Which will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have had about such a project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and to hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government of courts. The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000 depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last weeks column, "Let's make a time machine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this weeks column will follow in the same format. 2. CONSTRUCTION METHOD. ======================== 1) First, obtain about 50 pounds (110Kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier (see note 1). A Nuclear Power Plant is not reccomended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make the Plant Engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local Terrorist Organisation or perhaps the Scouts in your neighbourhood. 2) Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material, and don't allow your childern or pets to play on it, or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely. 3) Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Ford Cortina. Do not however use Tin-foil. 4) Arrange the Plutonium into two hemi-spheralical shapes, seperated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together. Gelignite is much better but messier tp work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item. 5) Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, feel free to use TNT packed in play-do or any modeling clay. Coloured clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point. 6) Enclose the structure from step 5 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as "super glue" to bind the hemi- sphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling. 7) To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled servo mechanism, as found in model planes and cars. With a minimum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonator caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Matic" brand since they are no deposit-no return. 8) Now hide the completed device from the neighbours and children. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable. 9) Now you are the proud owner of a working Thermonuclear device!! It's a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch could be used for national defence. 3. THEORY OF OPERATION. ======================= The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain reaction similar to the domino chain reaction. The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction, and there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!! 4. NEXT MONTHS COLUMN. ====================== In next months column, we will learn how to clone your neighbour's wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month!! 5. NOTES. ========= 1) Plutonium (PU), Atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic element formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium and Marsium. 6. PREVIOUS MONTHS COLUMNS. =========================== Let's make test-tube babies! May 1979 Let's make a solar system June 1979 Let's make an economic recession! July 1979 # Let's make an anti-gravity machine! August 1979 Let's make contact with an alien race! September 1979 # No longer in print. ~~~OOOO~~~