Internet Info 1997 December/Internet_Info_CD-ROM_Walnut_Creek_December_1997.iso/faqs/alt/answers/alt-sex/celibacy

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From: [e-mail] (Martin Poulter)
Subject: Celibate FAQ, v1.5
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Summary: A mostly light-hearted survey of information related to sexual
    abstinence.
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Last-modified: 1997/10/25
Version: 1.5
URL: http://mail.bris.ac.uk/~plmlp/celibate.html

                      ====================================
                                The Celibate FAQ

                                   Version 1.5
                      ====================================


"I ask myself, 'Where does lust come from? Is it something to yield to or
be overcome?'" -"Bluer than Midnight", The The

"We commonly speak of the sex 'drive', as if it, like hunger, must be
satisfied, or a person will die. Yet there is no evidence that celibacy is
in any way damaging to one's health, and it is clear that many celibates
lead long, happy lives. Celibacy should be recognised as a valid
alternative sexual lifestyle, although probably not everyone is suited to
it." -J. S. Hyde, Understanding Human Sexuality, 1986

"Celibacy is hereditary. If your parents didn't have sex, the chances are
you won't have sex." -Anonymous

"Shopping is better than sex.  If you're not satisfied after shopping you
can make an exchange for something you really like." -Adrienne Gusoff

Contents:

       0: Where does this document come from?
       1: What kind of people are celibate?
       2: Is there really a celibate viewpoint?
       3: Let's hear some other opinions!
       4: How can you tell people you are celibate?
       5: What are the advantages of celibacy?
       6: What are the disadvantages?
       7: Who are the celebrity celibates?
       8: Alternatives to sex?
       9: Let's talk about sticky stuff
      10: Celibate booklist
      11: Other Resources
      12: Conclusion

0: Where does this document come from?

This FAQ is the work of Martin Poulter, [e-mail] . It is
posted by him to relevant newsgroups on a monthly basis. It is available
on the Web at http://mail.bris.ac.uk/~plmlp/celibate.html . It was created
in response to the lack of celibate stuff (outside religious contexts) on
the internet, and in response to the 'net's anti-celibate (to say the
least) bias.

I need material for this FAQ. Please send me:

       Pointers to magazine articles on celibacy
       Quotes from the famous about celibacy
       Observations on celibacy from your own life
       Names of famous celibates (cite your evidence, please)
       Celibate merchandise(?!) (I'm currently finishing the design for a
celibate t-shirt).


1: What kind of people are celibate?

A celibate is someone who voluntarily abstains from sex. Often when
someone makes a conscious decision to be celibate, there is a religious
motive, but there are several other possible reasons.

       There are single people who believe that sex should only happen
within marriage. This might be due to religious belief, or due to a need
for security.
       The next category is that of monks, nuns, priests and religious
people for whom celibacy is a part of a spiritual path.
       There are victims of sexual abuse, for whom sex is too much of an
emotionally loaded thing.
       There are people who regard sex as simply not worth the hassle,
often because they have happen to have low sex drives. Included in this
category are people who are happy to go on dates, have emotional
relationships and even marry, but who don't have sex. In some parts of the
US, this kind of relationship is known as the "Lover Lite", or "Platonic
Plus". As concerns grow over AIDS and as women feel more confident to say
"no" to sex, this category is on the increase.
       Some people who are actually very sexual by nature go on deliberate
temporary "fasts", on the premise that rarity makes the act more valuable.
       There are extreme feminists who regard all sex as rape and who see
celibacy as an expression of independence and autonomy
       It has come to the attention of this writer that there are certain
men who call themselves 'celibate' just because they can't get a partner
at the moment. These men are "lads" pretending to be "new men". Get out
of the pool, wimps!


2: Is there really a celibate viewpoint?

Western society is pervasively heterosexual. The images presented to us
convey the message that the quality of a man's life is very much dependent
on the quality of the woman he gets to mate with, and vice versa. Being
celibate, like being gay or lesbian, requires you to step outside of this
conditioning. One also has to face the pervasive folklore that people only
choose celibacy because there is something wrong with them, or because
they view sex as "dirty". To express oneself as a celibate is thus to
score a huge victory over peer pressure. Hence while some people use
celibacy to fit in to a social group (usually in religious contexts),
others use it as an ultimate expression of individuality and independence.
    Sexual abstinence is interesting as an issue because it is an
issue which cuts across normal boundaries: extreme feminists find
themselves agreeing with religious zealots.


3: Let's hear some other opinions!

The following are extracts from my page of first-hand accounts of sexual
abstinence, at http://mail.bris.ac.uk/~plmlp/celifirst.html . The full
accounts make very interesting reading.

"I also have to deal with the assumptions of other people when I mention
my particular orientation. Because it hurts, people assume I must be
psychologically damaged. Sorry, it hurts in the same way that putting my
hand on a lit stove burner hurts. Just a physical pain folks.
Nothing to panic about as long as we avoid that which causes it. They want
me to seek therapy. For what? If the urges were there I would get
*medical* help for the pain. But they're not. I suppose I could take
hormone therapy for the urges, but good lord, my middle-aged friends can't
get dates and want them desperately. I want to be like them?!"

"Sex is terribly overrated. It is more banal than many people are willing
to admit. The "solution", the "cure", for that banality for some people is
to keep switching partners to find that "honeymoon" feeling again-over and
over. This strikes me as immoral, dangerous and a sad attempt to find in
sex what was never there to begin with."

"I see a tremendous preoccupation that this society has with sex. It is
everywhere, in advertising etc. As a society we put so much energy into
this. I may be in a minority, but it seems like such a waste, actually
kind of boring. All to what end? A temporary pleasure that is gone after a
few minutes. There must be more meaningful ways to connect with each
other. I would like to work on building stronger friendships."

"Socially....ironically...I am able to approach beautiful women much more
freely cause I simply don't have an agenda. I also will put myself in
social circumstances that normally I would want to avoid....frankly
because the transmutation of sexual energy gives me more courage to do so."

"It is a tremendous freedom not to ride the love/sex roller coaster - I
have very serious career goals that takes alot of energy, concentration
and time. The last thing I want to do is spend my spare time listening to
some half-wit in a bar rambling on about
blahblahsexblahblahbestblahmyplaceblahblah --YUK!"


4: How can you tell people you are celibate?

                     "I am not of an erotic disposition."
                   "I am not a member of the carnal union."
 "I'm not in the vagina business." (line from the film "Peter's Friends")
                    "I do not intend to unleash my juices."
   "I really really like you- I just don't want to get up to any porky
                           pump-action with you."

5: What are the advantages of celibacy?

       A whole load of worries are taken off your mind. You don't even
have to think about contraception, venereal disease, physical
compatibility, who sleeps on the wet patch, impotence, frigidity, bizarre
sexual injuries, whether to swallow, whether your partner is good in bed,
sexual fidelity, how to stop the bed from creaking, shave or not shave,
wash or not wash, whether you know enough positions, orgasm faking,
whether to experiment or which flavour of condom to choose. This must
surely free up several cubic inches of brain tissue.
       The enormous amount of time and effort that other people expend in
order to get laid is freed up for other things.  No more hanging around in
sweaty nightclubs. No more searching through 'lifestyle magazine' articles
for the latest and cleverest way to pick someone up. No more garotting
your body with tight underwear. No more worry about whether you are
adequately filling out your bra/shorts. No longer will you go to a dull
party just because there's someone there that you fancy.
       People you talk to will know that you're not interested in them for
their body.
       If you don't have sex, you can't have any Sexual Disasters. None of
those embarrassing moments like when you just can't undo her bra, or when
you can't get out of your bondage gear, or when you knock over the bedside
table, or when your parents come home earlier than you expected, or when
you realise that your partner is in fact amazingly ugly, or when you smear
them all over with peanut butter and them remember that you don't like
peanut butter, or when you wake up the next morning and you've forgotten
their name, or their gender.
       You will save money. How much money you save depends on how you
were getting your sex in the first place.
       Nobody will be able to blackmail you with photographs of you in
flagrante delicto. James Bond would be more effective if he were celibate,
because then attractive enemy agents would not be able to seduce and
capture him.
       I don't believe in God myself, but there are a lot of folks out
there who think that God will look on you more favourably if you are
celibate, or if you avoid recreational sex. Remember "Every sperm is
sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite
irate."? Seriously though, celibacy may contribute to a greater
peacefulness and spirituality if undertaken in the right context.
       Celibacy significantly decreases your chances of becoming pregnant.
That is, unless you're a man.
       You have a reserve of energy that you can expend on other things.
Life will come into a more sensible perspective when it isn't dominated by
the search for a mate.
       If you spontaneously combust, you don't take anyone with you.


6: What are the disadvantages?

       You don't get any sex.
       Cliff Richard is your role model.


7: Speaking of which, who are the celebrity celibates?

       The Pope... okay, I'm not going to mention the religious ones.
       Stephen Fry, the British actor, comedian, writer, critic, novelist
and taxi driver,  was the UK's most prominent and vocal celibate for
several years.
       Isaac Newton, the mathematician and scientist (said by some to be
the greatest scientist ever), was a virgin all his life. He was also very
unpopular. Let us move on.
       Cliff "no soul" Richard, purveyor of family-acceptable and totally
non-threatening pop tunes, is one of the most vocal celibates of modern
times. It may well be this fact which has held back the cause of open
celibacy.
    Cosmopolitan agony aunt Irma Kurtz has been a celibate for years
and years with no regrets. Perhaps a Cosmo reader can fill me in with some
more specifics.
    Simone Weil was one of the best known European political thinkers
of the 20th Century and, as far as anybody knows, a lifelong celibate.
Also rumoured to be a lifelong celibate was the Dutch philosopher and
theologian Baruch Spinoza.
    Dr. Temple Grandin, the American academic whose empathy with
animals has led to her being a highly successful designer of humane animal
management systems, is a voluntary celibate. The reasons are too complex
to go into here, but those interested can read the final chapter of Oliver
Sacks' "An Anthropologist on Mars".
    Stevie Smith, poet and novelist, was celibate all her life, after
sampling and rejecting romance and sex in her youth. She was fiercely
critical of those who thought that her life must be emotionally
impoverished by not having sexual relationships anymore, emphasizing
the depth of her friendships, especially her bond with the aunt with
whom she lived.
    Pitt the Younger, legendary British Prime Minister, is generally
agreed by historians to have died a virgin.
    Queen Elizabeth the First - the Virgin Queen, what more can I say?
    Nikolai Tesla, Nobel-prize-winning scientist, pioneer in the
development of electricity and radio and inventor of the AC motor and
transformer was a self-proclaimed celibate.
    A possible contender is Dag Hammarskjold, the visionary U.N.
Secretary-General. No-one has ever been able to come up with any evidence
that sex ever played any part in his life, although many have tried. He is
responsible for the following sardonic quote on the general attitude
towards celibacy:

"Because it did not find a mate, they called the unicorn perverted."


8: Alternatives to Sex

    To be serious, there is a big disadvantage of celibacy that has to
be watched out for: people look to sex for that sense of doing something
*different* or forbidden; the adrenalin rush; the feeling of being
*naughty*. To have an ongoing celibate lifestyle you have to find some
reliable way to create that feeling.
    Dancing, yoga or dangerous sports all qualify in being physical
and exhilarating. A less obvious possibility is a once a month gut-blowout
with cocktails and fudge sundaes. Don't just eat: *feast!* (and remember
to do some dangerous sports afterwards to work off the calories)
    Anything which breaks you temporarily out of your routine and makes
you feel alive is a good idea. Another example is having a ridiculously
long bath, wrapping yourself up in a towel, putting on some loud music (I
recommend "The Big Sky" by Kate Bush or "Cherry" by Curve) and jumping
about. Drinking extra-spicy Bloody Marys is, apparently, another way to do
this.
    Modern culture often expects us to make everything that we do in
public into a dull routine, and then use sex and intimacy to break up that
routine. We need to see through the falsehood that only sex can provide
that exhilaration or aliveness.


9: Let's talk about sticky stuff

Sooner or later, any discussion of celibacy turns to the question of how
you deal with basic biological needs. This is an area where the
difference between religious and secular celibates is most severe.
Concern particularly centers on male celibates: how long can they avoid...
err... you know... without exploding from build-up of... stuff? I'm not
aware of any studies on this issue, but I can say to such questioners that
regular... umm... thingy is not essential to health in the way they might
think. While it has been claimed by some (famously Wilhelm Reich) that sex
is essential to mental and/or physical health, there is no substantial
evidence to back this up, and plenty of celibates who are of obviously
sound mind and body. One of my male correspondents reports abstaining
from sex *and* from... that thing for eight years and seems very
happy.

Part of the reason why celibacy seems so odd in modern western culture may
be to do with this culture's view of sex as nothing more than a way of
answering a biological need: it may seem arbitrary to answer your needs in
one way as opposed to another. If, on the other hand, you recognise that
sex is not just a biological act but a very complex interaction with all
sorts of psychological, economic, medical or social consequences, then it
is no contradiction to refrain from sex but not from... umm....
stickyness.


10: Celibate Booklist

Yes indeed, these books are celibate. No matter how long you spend reading
them, they will not attempt to have sex with other books.

Seriously, though, this is a selection of books which, as far as I can
tell from bookseller's lists and personal recommendations, deal with
celibacy in a secular context. One-paragraph summaries of these books
would be very welcome. There is a huge literature on priestly celibacy
which I have decided to omit: a search on celibacy on a site such as
www.amazon.com is a good way to find these.

Some of these books have been reviewed by internet celibates. To give an
idea of our reaction, I will use that following rating system:
    A frown :(  means that the book is not likely to be relevant.
    A smiley :) means that some parts of the book will be of interest.
    Double miley  :) :) means that the book is recommended.
These are ratings of the relevance of the books to adult, voluntary,
usually secular celibates, not ratings of their literary merit.

Gabrielle Brown (1976), The New Celibacy : Why More Men and Women Are
Abstaining from Sex--And Enjoying It; McGraw-Hill
:) :)

Sally Cline (1993), Women, Celibacy and Passion; Deutsch.
ISBN: 0233988041
:) :)

Carole Marsh (????), 50 Ways and 50 Reasons You Can Abstain from Sex--And
Why AIDS Will Make You 100% Glad You Did, Kid!; Gallopade.

Patti Putnicki (1994), Celibacy Is Better Than Really Bad Sex: And Other
Rules for Singlewomen; Corkscrew. ISBN:  094404235X
:(

Joan Avna and Diana Waltz (1994), Celibate Wives : Breaking the Silence;
Lowell House. ISBN: 1565651227
:)

Barbara Moe (1995), Everything You Need to Know About Sexual Abstinence
(Need to Know Library); Rosen Publishing Group. ISBN: 0823921042
:(  (aimed at teenagers)

Kristine Napier (1996), The Power of Abstinence : How Parents Can Help
Teens Postpone Sexual Activity & Achieve Emotional Security, Maximum
Self-Esteem, and Stay Healthy; Avon Books. ISBN: 0380783711
:(

Dwight Lee Wolter (1992), Sex & Celibacy : Establishing Balance in
Intimate Relationships Through Temporary Sexual Abstinence; Fairview.
ISBN: 0925190535
:) :)

Rolf Zettersten (1995), Sex, Lies & the Truth : A Message from Focus on
the Family; Tyndale House. ISBN: 0842317309
:(   (aimed at teenagers)

Netha L. Thacker and Kathleen Rae Miner (1996), Abstinence : Health Facts;
Etr Assoc. ISBN: 1560715022
:)   (aimed at teachers, explaining abstinence to students, but presents
    abstinence as more than just a teenage issue)

Eleanor Ayer (1997), Its Ok to Say No : Choosing Sexual Abstinence; Rosen
Publishing Group. ISBN: 0823922502

Pamela Pettler, Amy Heckerling and Jack Ziegler (1990), The No-Sex
Handbook; Warner. ISBN: 0446390542

David R. Eyler and Andrea P. Baridon (1991), More than Friends: Less than
Lovers: Managing Sexual Attraction in Working Relationships.; Jeremy P.
Thatcher, Inc. ISBN 0-87477-651-1
:)

ANSLIM (1992),  Beyond Sexuality; Phoenix Press
To order: send #4.50 (plus 1 pound for p&p within UK) to
A K Press, PO Box 12766, Edinburgh, EH8 9YE
:)  (Covers many alternatives to normal sexuality)

A. W Richard Sipe (1996), Celibacy : A Way of Loving, Living, and Serving;
Triumph. ISBN: 0892438746  (This one seems to be primarily from a
Christian point of view, but I include it here because it seems to be
particularly wide-ranging).

Liz Hodgekinson (1986), Sex is Not Compulsory : giving up sex for better
health and greater happiness; Columbus. ISBN: 0862872294


11: Other Resources

There is now a celibate e-mail list! To join, send a nice note to
[e-mail] . We haven't got a proper listserv yet, and we'd
welcome help with that.

There is now a web page for celibate personal ads! Go to
    http://www.laslett.com/singles/lists.htm

I am working on an archive of short first-hand accounts from the Internet
and mainstream media. That is at
http://mail.bris.ac.uk/~plmlp/celifirst.html

Sexuality Bytes have a nice essay on celibacy, which is similar to parts
of this FAQ, but better written. Sexuality Bytes has now been incorporated
into the Feelgood site, which at the moment is only accessible if you are
on the Microsoft Network. Go to http://www.msn.com.au/ , select Feelgood,
then "Advice & Info".

"God seduced me into celibacy" is a short essay advocating Christian
celibacy, at http://www.sequel.net/~rogasia/article201.htm  .

It is informative to contrast the sunny optimism of the celibates quoted
on my pages with the dark mood of the Sexual Compulsives Anonymous page at
http://www.sca-recovery.org/  !

There is a very poetic (in both good and bad senses) essay on the
advantages of celibate life in the Hungry Mind Review, at
http://www.bookwire.com/HMR/Review/norris2.html

Issue 12 of Bi Community News has a report from a "Bisexuality and
Celibacy" workshop. That's on the web at
http://bi.org/~bcn/issue12/celib.html
One paragraph in particular is worth reproducing here:

"Celibacy is not, as is often assumed, an attempt to put a brave face on
the fact that nobody wants to sleep with you: it's not an indication that
one is asexual or incapable of relating to other people. It's a valid
choice whether for life or for a week, and it's a potentially subversive
one at that. In different ways from polyamory or bisexuality itself, it
challenges the social norm that everyone needs to be partnered with a
member of the opposite sex and sexually active to be a valuable member of
society."

Derek J. Wojciech's Virginity FAQ gives a succession of arguments for
virginity and sexual abstinence, at least until marriage. That's at
http://osf1.gmu.edu/~dwojciec/vfaq.html


12: Conclusion

If you have a high sex drive, celibacy can be hell. If you have a low sex
drive, celibacy is actually a good idea. Then again, some would say that
the more effort it takes to acheive abstinence, the more rewarding it is
when you manage.
    People whose brains obey their crotches have a loud voice in
western society, which makes celibacy seem an unusual and abnormal thing.
People who are celibate don't normally feel the need to tell the world
about it: this resulting low profile makes it more difficult for others to
acknowledge celibacy as part of their identity. Analgously, the more
public figures are "out" homo- or bisexuals, the more comfortable it is
for young people to come out. This document is one small blow in the
necessary fight to give open celibacy a higher profile.
--
MARTIN L: Postgrad., amateur crackpotologist and caffeine-free celibate bon M
POULTER : viveur studying the Philosophy of Belief at Bristol Uni., England c
Cult Concern FAQ + Sexual Liberation Now! + Celibate FAQ + Gifts from "Bob" Q
Helena Kobrin Page + Scientology Criticism:  http://mail.bris.ac.uk/~plmlp/ !