No Fragments Archive 10: Diskmags/nf_archive_10.iso/MAGS/BOS/BOSMAG1B.MSA/BOS_SHOVEL

Text File | 1987-04-21 | 16KB | 244 lines

                  THE ADVENTURES OF SAM SHOVEL,PRIVATE EYE

                          THE MALTESE FALCON 040


The rain pounded relentlessly on the bonnet of the car as I pulled into the
kerb  in   front  of  the   office.The  headlights  barely  penetrated  the
darkness,which was strange because  it  was  only  lunch time.I slammed the
door and trudged into the lobby  of  the  building.I  had two dollars in my
pocket and had not had a case  for three months......the penicillin and hot
knitting needle treatment must have  worked.I  looked in my pigeon hole,yep
my pigeon was still there."Hello  Mrs  Applegate",came  a voice,it was Bill
the buildings maintainance  man.He  peered  in  my  direction,squinting his
face."Have your eyes ever  been  checked",I  asked  him wearily."No they`ve
always been blue"he replied.I sighed  and  continued  on  my way.I began to
ascend the stairway to my floor and had  gone  up  a few steps in a kind of
catatonic daydream before I realised,there  were  wet  footmarks on the B&Q
linoleum.Each one consisted of a small oval shape and a nickle sized dot.It
was  either  a   flat   toed,one   clawed,North  Bornean,tree  climbing,ant
eating,cat shagging sloth......or  a  woman  with  stilettos,or  a man with
stilettos for that matter.In fact  I  had  heard that Bill the maintainance
man was gay,but I didn`t think so,he  always seemed a misarable guy to me.I
followed the footprints up the stairs  and over the landing.....right up to
my office door.The door was ajar.........or it  used  to be before I had it
melted down,ironed out and turned into a door.I eased the door open and the
smell of cheroots met my nostrils,introduced themselves and went back about
thier business."Sam Shovel  I  presume",said  a  husky  voice.This  took me
completely by surprise as I had never  heard a talking Husky before.The dog
was being held by a tall,voluptuous woman,wearing dark glasses,with a white
cane in her other  hand,and  a  copy  of  a  Stevie  Wonder album under her
arm,and an "I love Geordie  La  Forge"  lapel badge.She slapped the dog.The
dog responded by biting her  on  the  hand.She  reached into her pocket and
slipped the animal a biscuit.I said  to  her "That`s nice of you,being kind
enough to give him a treat after  he bit you"."Not at all",she replied,"I`m
just finding out which end his head  is  at,I`m going to kick his arse just
now".......She introduced herself......."My  name  is  Lady Anditramp,and I
may have a job for you".This was  getting interesting."My family own a huge
electronics empire,and one of our most trusted workers has stolen something
from us......we want it back"."Why don`t you  just report the matter to the
police,I`m  sure  they  would  be  only   too  happy  to  deal  with  it",I
replied."Let`s  just   say,I   would   rather   the   item   is   recovered
privately......I am willing to pay you a lot of money for your assistance."
This explanation seemed suitable."In that  case,why me",I asked."Well it is
Wednesday,half-day closing,you`re the  only  one  open".This  also seemed a
plausible reason.During the time we talked I looked her up and down,she was
wearing a very low cut dress and  bosom was impressive to say the least,her
chest looked like Telly Savalas  with  a  middle  parting  and it looked as
though a great echo could be achieved by shouting down her cleavage."Please
don`t stare at my breasts",she said."But how could you tell",I asked highly
embarassed."Blind  people  adjust  and  hone   thier  remaining  senses  to
compensate for the loss of sight......I heard the material of your trousers
stretching".

"Let`s discuss money Mr Shovel,I am willing  to pay you $10,000 on delivery
of the item",this stretched my  trousers  even  more." $1,000 up front".She
threw the bundle of notes  onto  my  desk."Is it a deal",she asked."Sure",I
told her,"I`ll get your goods  for  you,but  I  have  nothing to go on"."Oh
sorry,it`s the second door  on  the  left  down the hall",she replied."No,I
don`t mean that,you`ll have to give  me some information about the item,and
the man who took it",I said."the  only  information you will need about the
item",she said mysteriously,"is that  it  is an electronic component,you`ll
know it when you see it.The man  is a Russian,who worked on the development
of the item.He is  suffering  from  acute  bronchitis,and  his name is Ivan
Nastikov.He was last seen entering the gates of Mildew Meadows,an exclusive
nudist health colony,it`s a place where  all  the big knobs hang out......I
want you to go there under cover and bring me the man and the goods".

This seemed like an easy meal ticket,she  knew  where the guy was,all I had
to  do  was  go  there  and   pick  him  up."Okay,I`ll  do  it".She  seemed
pleased."Well Mr Shovel it`s time  I  left",she  pulled an old style pocket
watch from her her jacket."That`s a very nice watch",I complimented,"It`s a
pity it has that dent in it".That dent",she replied tetchily,"was caused by
a German sniper during the  First  World  War.My Grandfather was given this
watch by his wife on the day that he left for the front.He told her that he
would always carry  it  in  the  pocket  next  to  his  heart.One day,as my
Grandfather stood guard duty,a German sniper  fired at him,the bullet would
have gone straight through his heart......if  it  hadn`t been for the watch
stopping the  bullet,"  "wow,  that  was   lucky",I  said,"not  really",she
replied,"the bullet ricoched off  the  watch,shot  up  his left nostril,and
blew the top of his head off".

I was stunned,but  before  I  could  say  anything  she  swepped  out of my
office,swepped down the stairs,before hoovering the entrance hall,polishing
the main desk and leaving.I was going on holiday.....to Mildew Meadows.

As the car turned into the  driveway  of Mildew Meadows,I noticed the large
fence which I  could  see  was  to  keep  prying  eyes  out  of  the nudist
area.There was a young lad hurrying  down  the drive,I stopped the car."Hey
sonny",I   shouted,"why   are   you   running"."Well   mister",he   replied
breathlessly,"I  was  looking  over  the   fence   at  the  naked  women",I
chuckled."There`s nothing wrong  with  that  son",I  assured him,"No,no,you
don`t understand,my mother said if I ever see anything naughty,I`ll turn to
stone......and I think I`ve started".He turned and kept running.


I parked the car.At least  there  was  no  need  for luggage on this trip.I
walked up to the desk."Hello,my names Ivor Biggun,I phoned earlier,""ah yes
Mr Biggun",said the  girl  behind  the  desk,"we`ve  been expecting you.The
other two people that you will be going in with are already in the changing
area"."What do you mean,"other people","I asked."Well",she said,"we usually
think that to allay the  initial  embarassment  of entering the colony nude
for the first time,a  group  of  first  timers  going  in together helps".I
supposed that this was a reasonable idea,and entered the changing room.

I almost dropped my toothbrush when I saw who was in the room.They were two
Russian  mercenaries  that   I   had   once  encountered,Collectmachek  and
Buggerov.I hoped that they  did  not  recognise  me.Mind  you,I  had lost a
couple of stones since the last time  we met.......in the accident with the
circular saw.The red-headed one had  taken  his clothes off,and was bending
over in front of me,that reminds me,I  must  buy a packet of ginger nuts on
the way home.


The Russians must have had other  things  on  thier  minds as they left the
room,they did not  know  me.We  entered  the  next  room,which  was another
reception  area.A  very  large  naked  woman   stood  in  the  room."I`m  a
bouncer",she  annonced.She  was   not   exagerating.She   had  thick  black
hair,right down her back,none on  her  head,just down her back.Her eyebrows
met,under her chin.She had muscles on  her  ear lobes.When she scrathed her
head it looked as though she  had  a  fireside rug under her arm.I wouldn`t
say she had B.O.but my first thought was whether I had remembered to switch
the gas off.The viens  on  her  breasts  looked  like  a  relief map of the
Highlands,and a twiddle of her nipples would probably have brought us Radio
1.Her belly button would have  come  in  handy  for bringing the spuds home
from the shops and I can`t be sure  but  I think that she had a Persian cat
sitting on her lap.She beckoned us through to the camp.


As I stepped  outside  into  the  sunshine,a  gorgeous  blonde woman walked
towards me.I dropped my toothbrush again  as  she arrived.I was on my hands
and knees staring at her beautifully  manicured toenails,I slowly lifted my
gaze up her slender  ankles,her  calves  were  well  toned and muscular,her
thighs were milky white......things  were  now  getting  a bit hairy.I must
control my carnal thoughts,do not get  excited,if  I do I will surely stand
out.......form   the   crowd    I    mean.I   concentrated   hard....Judith
Chalmers.....Judith Chalmers......Judith Chalmers.It  worked.As  I stood up
she  glanced  down  quickly   at   me,lifted   her   eyes  immediately  and
smiled."Welcome to Mildew Meadows",she said  offering her hand.I had passed
the test.I was in.I looked around,there  seemed  to be much more women than
men,they  were  sunbathing,playing  volleyball,swimming  and  just  walking
around.I hadn`t seen so many tits  since  the  last meeting of the Nintendo
appreciation society.A row  of  women  sat  on  deckchairs totally naked,it
looked  like  a   hamster   vet`s   waiting   room.The   blonde  introduced
herself,"hello my name  is  Marge,and  I  am  the entertainments officer",I
resisted the crack about marge  spreading easily."Hello",I said,"my name is
Ivor.Are  you  married",I  thought  I`d  get  the  important  questions  in
first."No",she replied,"I used to be  married  to  a  policeman in the vice
squad,but he was  arrested  for  stealing  evidence.....after all,you can`t
stop a porn  copper  copping  more  porn...........We`re  about  to  have a
barbecue,would you like a flame  grilled  whopper?","No thank you","Well in
that case don`t stand too near the grill",she said.


I went over and tried  to  watch  the volleyball competition but everything
was moving about so  much,I  began  to  feel  travel  sick.One  of the male
participants hit the  ball  off  court  and  it  landed  on  the gardener`s
bonfire.He rushed  over,but  could  only  watch  as  it  melted."What`s the
matter?",asked the gardener  as  he  arrived,"my  ball`s  burning",said the
player,"well don`t stand so near the fire then",replied the gardener.


Marge the entertainments officer arrived  again."It`s  my  job to make sure
that you enjoy yourself during your  stay her",she began,"is there anything
that I can do for  you,to  make  you feel good?",Judith Chalmers.....Judith
Chalmers.......Judith Chalmers."I could give you a massage if you like",she
continued,"I used to work in a massage  parlour  but I was not very good at
it,they sacked me eventually for rubbing people up the wrong way".I decided
to decline the offer."If you  like",she  persisted,"I  could teach you some
Yoga positions".I thought that  this  would  be  safe  enough,while she was
messing about I could scan the  camp  for  my target."Sit down here at this
picnic table and I`ll show you  the  first  one".I  did as she said and was
slightly surprised when she  climbed  onto  the  table  in  front of me.She
squatted down and  proceeded  to  bring  both  of  her  legs  up behind her
head."What  do  you   think?",she   asked,I   gulped,"very  impressive,very
impressive,very  impressive"."Why  did  you   say  that  three  times?",she
asked,"I didn`t.....the  last  two  times  were  echoes",I stammered,Judith
Chalmers......Judith Chalmers.....,Judith Chalmers.


I definately had to get away from Marge if there was going to be any chance
of me getting my $10,000.I made my excuses and left her attempting to untie
herself.As I walked through the camp,I  realised that if someone was hiding
an important piece of hardware somewhere,he would probably be inside one of
the cabins.I decided on a search.


The first cabin was the snooker  cabin,I  entered.There  were a few guys in
the room playing and watching at  four  tables.I  thought that I should get
close enough  to  try  and  make  out  if  anyone  had  a  Russian accent.I
skillfully slipped a  screwdriver  from  a  small  table  as  I  walked and
approached  the   first   table."I   am   the   maintainance   man",I  said
gruffly,"table needs adjusting".Before anyone  could answer,I slipped under
the first table.I lay there and thought  that this had been a great move,Id
just lie still and listen.Unfortunately  I  could  not hear a word,I turned
over onto my back and inched  myself  forward.My head popped out from under
the table,right between the feet of one of the players as he leant over the
table.It was like looking  up  two  coconut  palms  growing extremely close
together."Oi  mush,what   are   you   playing   at",grunted   someone."Just
finished",I said as cheerily as I could.I made a hasty exit.


This was getting ridiculous,I was  making  no  progress  at all.It was then
that I had my first break.A small,fat,shifty  looking guy with a hammer and
sickle tattoo on one arm,an  "I  love  Boris"  tattoo on the other,a pigeon
dropping  birthmark  on   his   forehead,a   Kruchev   Hat   and  a  Rimsky
Korsikov,(okay,okay,you   come   up   with   a   famous   Russian   musical
artiste),album under his arm,was entering  one  of the private cabins.Could
this be the Russian?I decided to take  no chances.I slipped into the bushes
and removed my revolver from it`s hiding  place,and boy was that a relief.I
discarded the clingfilm,and flipped open  the  chamber.I guided .38 calibre
shells into the gun.The clatter as  they  bounced on the ground reminded me
that the pistol was a .45.Before I  could do anything else,there was a huge
explosion.The cabin that Ivan had  entered  had  erupted.I  ran over to the
remains,and dragged the scorched Ruski from the debris."Okay Ivan,the games
up",I said originally."You`re going  back  to  Lady Anditramp"."It`s a fair
cop Guvski",he trembled,"I was  so  close".My  nosiness  got  the better of
me."Close     to      what",I      demanded."The     perfect,electronically
controlled,totally interactive,virtual  reality  inflatable  woman",he spat
out."It was going so well",he  continued,"I  had it all plugged in,conected
to the Maltese Falcon  040,which  would  control  the responses.The problem
came when I tried to blow it up.Because of my medical condition,I could not
muster enough puff.........I had a  brainwave.........I connected it to the
Calor Gas cylinder of the cooker........everything  was going great until I
rolled over and lit up my cigarette.......then POOF!


I searched through the  rubble  until  I  found  the  melted remains of the
Maltese Falcon  040.Would  this  be  the  end  of  this  amazing  piece  of
electronic wizardry?Would we ever  see  it  in  our Curries?Only time would
tell.


I contacted Lady Anditramp,and she  told  me  to  post  Ivan and the 040 to
her,this I did that day,because  I  always  like  to dispatch orders on the
same day,or the next day at the latest.Sure enough by return of post came a
postal order for $9,000,made out to me......Sam Shovel.



To be continued,possibly.


Bob Kell