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Text File | 1989-04-06 | 16.3 KB | 423 lines

JOKES JOKES JOKES **************************************************************************** JOKES SUPPLIED BY MAT OF THE UNTOUCHABLES **************************************************************************** What's the difference between the United States and Eastern Eupropean countries? The United States still has a communist party. ---------------------------------------------------- At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the soviets. American : "And in the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police." Soviet : "In the Soviet Union we don't require that you dial anything." ---------------------------------------------------- A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender. "One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!" "Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika." Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and explains, "We are out of beer." ---------------------------------------------------- Following the recent events in Europe, the East-Berliner authorities intend to destroy the Wall as soon as possible. In order to let a trace of in in front of history, they want to build a commemorative monument. Several projects have been proposed by other countries : . the French offered to ship them the Eiffel Tower . the American said they would give a piece of the Bay Bridge . Honecker proposed a hefty concrete monument, about 20 feet high, 40 miles long... ---------------------------------------------------- The world famous gymnast Nadia Comenci(sp ?) was jumping over Romania- Hungary fenced border in gymanstic style. The judges were holding 10 pts. banner. ---------------------------------------------------- There's no Truth in the Light and no Light in the Truth. Pravda = Truth, and Isvestia = Light. ---------------------------------------------------- >From the New York Times, 11/7/89: Q. Do you know what prizes the communists are now offering for recruiting new party members? A. If you get one new member, you don't pay dues. Two new members, you can quit the party. And for three, you get a certificate saying you were never a member. ---------------------------------------------------- Source: TT (Swedish News Agency) Belgrad. The Jugoslavia magazine OSMICA presented in its latest issue "socialisms' six miracles", which explained "why everyone is happy in countries where socialism is practiced". The first miracle is that there is no any unemployment while at the same time no one works, the Osmica writes. And the second miracle is that no one works but everyone still gets salary. "However while everyone gets salary there is nothing to buy", the Osmica writes about the third miracle. And although there is nothing to buy, everyone still has everything that he wants to have. Osmica regards the fifth miracle to be that although everyone has all he wants, he is still unhappy. "The last miracle is that although everyone is unhappy he still votes for the communist party in election", the Yogoslavia magazine concludes. ---------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN CHANGES TO THE CZECH CONSTITUTION: 10. Shirt & Shoes no longer necessary for service at 7-11 9. Parliament to be replaced by The O'Jays 8. Meetings of the Hair Club for Men now held openly 7. Country no longer responsible for dry cleaning left after 30 days 6. In event of free elections, Presidency may not be held by guy from "Hey, Vern" commercials 5. New national anthem to be "Rikki Don't Lose That Number" 4. Official government new service to be replaced by Larry King's column 3. No law enacted without expressed written consent of major league baseball 2. Nation to be divided into Corn Czechoslovakia & Rice Czechoslovakia 1. Right to party membership now just right to party! TOP TEN WAYS IRAN IS CELEBRATING THE 10th ANNIVERSARY OF THE REVOLUTION: 10. Seaport fireworks and car bomb display 9. Double frequent flyer mileage on all hijacked planes 8. Monster truck rally on rubble of U.S. Embassy 7. Blood-of-our-Enemies chug-a-lug 6. Radio Tehran organizes wet-veil contest 5. Diet Coke sponsors 3-D execution of 1200 petty thieves 4. Shah's old palace reopened as world's largest Benetton 3. Lackluster prime-time special with a lot of clips from old shows 2. New tourism slogan: "Throw another hand on the barbie" 1. Everybody tries Bermuda shorts for the day ---------------------------------------------------- I was driving through the country, and there were some cows by the side of the road. We're all mature adults, so we've all done this: I leaned my head out of the car window, and yelled, "Moooooooooo." Like we expect that cow to be thinking, "Hey, there's a cow driving that car! How can he afford that?" ---------------------------------------------------- The Board of Trustees of (fill in University here) want to find out if the profs. really know their stuff. So they decide to ask the profs. "What's two plus two?" They go to the Math Dept. and the response is "Oh, that's easy, it's four." So they write that down and go to the Physics Dept. and the response is "Oh, it's 4.00000000 with an uncertainty of another place." Then they go to the College of Engineering and the response is "Just a minute while I get my handbook." Finally, they go to the School of Management and the Accounting Dept. and there the response is (said in a low voice) "What do you want it to be?" This one is for all you engineers out there: The Board of Trustees, not convinced by the performance in the previous joke, decides to test the profs. again. First they take a Math prof. and put him in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranges in a triangle at the center of the table. Next, they give the sme test to a physics prof. After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, the give the test to an Engineering prof. After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox. ---------------------------------------------------- Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Andy says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,"and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Andy,"I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash." ---------------------------------------------------- Hind's Law #6: Make it possible to write programs in English and you will quickly discover that programmers do not know how to write in English. Steinbach's Rule: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. ---------------------------------------------------- Ok, so I don't mind Canada's new Shiny Gold (coloured) $1 coins, but some of our government officials are having a hard time with them. They are spending hours trying to take the foil wrapper off to get at the chocolate inside! ---------------------------------------------------- One day God was idle, and he decided to check up on his favourite forms of life on Earth. After observing the Huns for a while, he visits their leadership, and offers to give them a commandment, they ask him what the commandment is, and God says "Thou shalt not kill your fellow humans", the Huns politely tell God that if they observed his commandment they would be hard pressed to find other means of earning a living and they decline. God then visits the Romans, and confers with their leadership, he offers them the commandment "Thou shalt not commit adultery", the Romans also decline, citing that they are mere mortals and that they intend to enjoy life to its fullest during their stay on Earth. God is fairly frustrated by now, and in a dejected mood approaches the Hebrews and offers them a commandment, the Hebrew leadership asks "How much will it cost ?" God replies "Why, it is absolutely free". "Then give us ten" says the Hebrew chief. ---------------------------------------------------- This Ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food here" ---------------------------------------------------- A Boy Scout was walking along the waterfront one day, looking at the ships and trying to idenitfy the knots. However, he soon came across one which he couldn't identify, holding a shipping crate to the dock. He went up and peered at it, but couldn't figure it out. Finally he burst out, "What is this thing??? It looks like a random tangle to me!" And the ropes spoke: "No, I'm a freight knot!" ---------------------------------------------------- Your man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said. Manager: "Thankyou for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job" Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed." Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I." :~) ---------------------------------------------------- Dave Barry on School Projects: A lot of children have trouble remembering instructions, which is why we parents often find out about school projects at the very last minute, usually from other parents. "Didn't you hear?" they'll say. "Each child is supposed to come in tomorrow with a model of a medieval village made entirely from typewriter parts." School projects generally contain an element of inexplicable weirdness. I think this is a form or revenge on the part of the teachers, getting even with us parents for spending our day in adult company while they're stuck in crowded rooms trying to get our children to stop writing their 5's backward. I bet they have fun at teachers' meetings, thinking up projects to inflict on us. ("I've got it! We have them make a cement volcano that erupts real ketchup!" "No, we had them do that last year.") ---------------------------------------------------- Murphy's Law and related sayings: Leakproof seals... will. Self starters... will not. If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it. All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. If you try to please everyone, no one will like it. A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth. There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic ocean. If everything seems to be going well, then you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. ---------------------------------------------------- Why is there a "pair" of panties and "one" bra? You don't get on an airplane, you get in one. Does a car actually make a corner? Have you ever really turned a computer on? And why do they call them apartments if they are all stuck together? ---------------------------------------------------- Willie the Wino walked into Joe's Liquor Store one wet and windy November evening. "I'd like a fifth of port," he said. "Any particular brand?" said Joe. "Got any Almaden?" Willie asked. "Nope," said Joe. "Will you take Gallo instead?" "Sure," replied Willie. "Any port in a storm." ---------------------------------------------------- (Here's a philosophy I can relate to!) Rick Reynolds on PBS's "Comedy Tonight": "Eat every cookie as if it's the LAST cookie!" ---------------------------------------------------- An only-in-California Bumper Sticker: "The Weather is Here ... Wish You Were Beautiful!" ---------------------------------------------------- Bumper Sticker: UFO'S are REAL. The Air Force doesn't exist. ---------------------------------------------------- A friend of mine told me about an experience of his after getting into a serious car accident. He's a very sarcastic fellow, and when he awoke in the hospital he was a bit miffed at an orderly who was making this inane conversation while he was trying to read... "Guess that was a pretty bad accident? Huh? Guess you really got hurt bad? Huh? Guess your car is really totalled? Huh? Guess you really lost control of the car? Huh? Guess.... " My friend finally said, "No, I intentionally went off the road at 75 miles an hour, through the guiderail, over a culvert trench, ricocheted off two rocks and smacked into a tree after rolling the car over." Then the orderly finally left, and my friend took his pills and went to sleep. My friend couldn't figure out why he woke up restrained in a hospital bed in the psycho ward.... Guess they don't train orderlies in sarcasm. ---------------------------------------------------- Unanswered Questions: How can people ignore the petitioners in front of the supermarket, then complain about the sorry state of our government? How can a book print explicit instructions for manufacturing illegal drugs and get away with it because of a disclaimer about the book being for entertainment purposes only? Whatever happened to the manned Mars mission that President Bush promised us? How could a backwards nation like the Soviet Union become our main rival? Why do smokers think they have the right to litter the world with cigarette butts? Why is Tia Molly's, a Mexican restaurant, run by Chinese people? If time stopped, would we notice it? Why doesn't any businesses want to take a MINOR credit card? Does anyone NOT speed on Eastgate Mall between Genesee and Miramar Rd.? Why didn't they design compact discs to hold ninety minutes? ---------------------------------------------------- A couple sat in their living room, watching TV. The phone rang. The husband picked it up, listened for a moment, said "Yes, it certainly is!" and hung up. A few minutes later the phone rang again. Again the man answered it, listened, said "Yes, you're right, it certainly is!" and hung up. A third time this happened. His wife turned to him and asked, "What was that all about?" He replied, "Oh, some idiot is calling me up just to tell me it's a long distance from Cleveland." ---------------------------------------------------- I was driving to work this morning when all of a sudden, a little elf appeared on the seat next to me. "I'll grant you any wish you like," he said. "Why don't I get three wishes?" I asked. "Because I'm an elf, not a genie!" he said. "Ok," I said, "I'd like to have $1000 for every day of the rest of my life." The elf thought a minute, then gave me a $50.