Parenting - Prenatal to preschool/Parenting_PrenatalToPreschool.bin/dp/0026/00261.txt

Text File | 1993-06-24 | 181KB | 2,692 lines

$Unique_ID{PAR00261}
$Pretitle{}
$Title{Child Development:  Learning and Cognitive Development}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{
Lansky, Vicki}
$Subject{Learn Learns Learning Cognitive Development Genetic Genetics
Environment Optimal Uniqueness Cognition Piaget Gesell Erikson Spock Social
Family Separation Anxiety Fear Fears Sibling Siblings Friends Grandmas
Grandpas Aunts Uncles Playmates Peer Peers Play Groups Birthday Parties
Parental Expectations Disabled Disability Potential Parents Role Special
Program Professional Relationship Professionals Handicapped Educational System
Law Gifted Learning Preschool Mind Curiosity Toys Reading Books Library Music
Creative Imagination Television Natural World Exploring Language Talk Speak
Speech Problems Stuttering Ear Infections Deafness hearing impaired Questions
Death sex Reproduction Anatomy sexuality gender Divorce Toilet Training
Accidents Regression Discipline punishment child development}
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Social Development Milestones*0026101.tif
Language Development*0026105.tif
Social interaction begins when you smile and your baby smiles back*0055801.tif
Children need the companionship of others before they play cooperatively*0057801.tif
Your greatest thrill will come when your baby responds and reciprocates*0057901.tif
Your baby's siblings will be her first friends*0058001.tif
Soon, you'll get cooperation in the singing games and finger plays you do*0058101.tif
Learning is dependent on interaction between the child and the environment*0058801.tif
Your preschooler will develop self-reliance and gain considerable freedom*0058901.tif}

Complete Pregnancy and Baby Book


Learning and Cognitive Development


Your Baby's Cognitive Development

     In passing suddenly from the watery, dark environment of the womb to an
existence outside the mother's body, the newborn is cut off from his former
dependence on his mother's blood supply.  The baby must begin to use his own
lungs to breathe air and his own stomach to digest food.  An infant spends his
first days recovering from his mother's labor.  Mechanisms for breathing,
digestion, circulation, elimination, body temperature regulation, and hormonal
secretion must be stabilized to begin this new and independent life.  As this
reorganization is taking place, infants are at the mercy of their reflexes,
startling easily in response to sudden changes and flinging their arms out in
panic if they feel themselves falling.  Thus begins an increasingly
independent existence for the baby, a process we call "development."
Cognitive development is associated with knowing, with acquiring knowledge in
the broadest sense, including memory, perception, and judgment as well as the
accumulation of facts.
     In the seventeenth century, English philosopher John Locke described the
infant mind as a tabula rasa, or blank tablet, waiting to be written upon.
Two hundred years later, William James said that the infant is so heavily
"assailed by eyes, ears, nose, skin and entrails at once" that surroundings
are seen as "one great blooming, buzzing confusion."  As recently as 1964, the
author of a medical textbook said not only that the average newborn was unable
to fix his eyes or respond to sound, but also that "consciousness, as we think
of it, probably does not exist in the infant."
     Now we know better.  In the past five years, the number of studies of
infant cognition has tripled.  There are many disagreements about various
findings, but researchers definitely agree that the newborn comes into the
world, not as a passive receiver, but as a participant, ready and eager to
interact with the environment.  For example, although by adult standards the
newborn has extremely poor vision, he can still discriminate between light and
dark and focus on objects from eight to twelve inches away.  Babies'
intellects are working, and working very well, long before they can talk.
They perceive a great deal, and they have decided preferences as well.  From
the beginning, you will see that your baby prefers to sleep in one position or
another.  By eight weeks, your baby will be able to differentiate between
shapes, liking faces more than inanimate objects, and will see colors,
reacting especially strongly to the bright primary colors red and blue.  Your
baby will be able to distinguish the sweet taste of sugar-water and will
prefer the smell of bananas to that of shrimp.  Infants prefer the sound of
women's voices, and within a few weeks, your baby will recognize and respond
to his mother's voice.  In short, the senses participate in the developmental
process from the moment of birth.  As a Yale University psychology professor
who has studied infants for more than thirty years has said about the
newborn's zestful approach to life, "He's eating up the world!"

     Genetics vs. Environment

     Infants vary tremendously in their capabilities, just as adults do.  Some
of this variation can be traced to inherited differences.  Recently, in fact,
geneticists have postulated that, in addition to controlling skin, eye, and
hair coloring, genes may control behavior under certain environmental
conditions.  No matter what a baby's genetic inheritance, though, her
environment must supply warmth and nourishment, both emotional and physical,
if the baby is to reach her full developmental potential.
     There is a great deal of conflict over the degree to which intelligence
is inherited.  It does seem clear that intelligence is not fixed at a rigid
level at birth and that many environmental factors can affect the level of a
child's intelligence throughout her development.  Some cognitive psychologists
today believe that while perhaps the outer limits of intelligence are fixed at
birth, a child's environment can make a difference of as much as forty points
in her IQ (intelligence quotient, the number indicating the level of a
person's intelligence as shown by special tests).  This is a staggering figure
when one considers that it is the same as the range between the value for
borderline mental retardation (eighty IQ points) and the value for the average
college graduate (120 IQ points).  Other psychologists who have conducted
classic studies of identical twins separated at birth have been more
conservative, saying that environment can cause a difference of as much as
twenty IQ points.
     Theories about the genetic inferiority or superiority of certain ethnic
or racial groups cannot be proved.  The differences among the environments of
home, nation, tribe, and culture make genetic comparisons of entire races or
ethnic groups scientifically unverifiable.  Given the tremendous differences
in the family of man, the best we can do is speak of "developmental potential"
when trying to gauge intelligence in a young child.

     "Normal" Development

     Remember that everything you read or hear about what is "normal"
development for a child at a certain age refers to what is expected of the
"average" child.  Your baby may be ahead of others the same age in some ways,
behind in others.  We will discuss reasonable expectations you should have and
the folly of comparing your child with others later in this chapter.  Whatever
his individual differences from the norm, you can expect your baby to develop
at an incredible rate during the first year of life, in a head-to-toe
direction.  That is, he will gain control over his eyes, neck, and hands
before learning to use his legs for walking.  In the beginning, your infant is
very much mouth-oriented; the sensations of sucking and mouthing give the most
pleasure.  Soon, the ability to use the hands develops.  At about five months,
your baby will be able to grasp toys, and his learning will be related to the
ability to manipulate.  By about ten months of age, your baby will smile at
you and other familiar people and will display anxiety when strangers are
present.  At about the same time, the baby will probably become expert at
crawling--and at getting into things.  At about one year, he will begin to
walk alone, a true milestone in his development.
     In the second and third years, toddlers become increasingly independent
and curious, a combination that makes them dangerous to themselves and
everything about them.  You will have become aware of the necessity for
careful child-proofing of your home by the time your baby can crawl, but the
hazards increase dramatically as your child becomes more agile and more
investigative.  During the second year, your child's rapid increase in the
ability to communicate through language will represent a big breakthrough.
"No" will become a favorite word, and temper tantrums may be frequent as she
encounters frustration over boundaries you must set.  Typical toddlers are
torn between the drive toward growth and maturity on one hand and dependency
and regression on the other.
     As your child grows and changes, you will probably notice that her
development seems not to occur steadily, in an even line, but rather in spurts
or "giant steps."  It is normal for children to have critical periods, times
when internal and environmental factors come together and they learn a great
deal or become proficient at some physical skill.  Then they hit plateaus, so
to speak, when their minds and bodies catch up with each other.  It is said
that if these critical periods are somehow bypassed, they are difficult to
make up later in a child's development.

     How You Can Promote Your Child's Optimal Development

     Children who are loved for what they are, not for what they will become,
develop a sense of security and belonging.  Parents who promote a feeling of
basic trust allow their children to develop deeper human relationships in
later life, and they thereby contribute in a positive way to the formation of
their children's personalities.  By building on feelings of trust, honesty,
integrity, and reliability, parents can do a great deal to promote optimal
development.
     Ideally, your role in promoting your child's development starts at the
moment he is born, with the close body contact that begins the bonding
process.  When that initial physical closeness with the mother is not possible
for one reason or another, bonding can be accomplished later through loving
and touching.  The first three years of a child's life are extremely important
developmentally, and the greatest gifts you can give your child during that
period are your time and your enthusiasm for his developing skills.  Your
child will be learning during every waking moment, and your best function is
not so much to teach as to provide a stimulating environment and an
emotionally supportive atmosphere.  Follow your child's lead; don't push and
don't try to rush him.  For play to be rewarding and creative, your child
needs appropriate toys, but he also needs warm and nurturing attention and
guidance.  If the daily care of your child will be entrusted to someone else,
choose that individual carefully.  Children must be with people who love and
value them if they are to learn to love and value themselves and others.
     Even infants need privacy, time to themselves.  The environment in which
your baby learns and develops should be a protective one, safe and secure.
She needs a quiet, peaceful place to sleep, and when awake should not be
constantly at the center of an overly active household.  Visual and auditory
stimuli should be toned down to provide a calm atmosphere in which your baby
will develop her perceptions of the outside world.
     Toddlers also need periods of peace and quiet away from people and
activities.  They need time to "recharge their batteries," to rest, and to
organize their inner lives.  Children who are overstimulated, spend their days
in crowded quarters, and are never alone except during sleep tend to be
excitable, dependent upon others for their entertainment, and unaware of their
own abilities.
     Another essential in your child's development is your guidance--the
setting of limits, the enforcing of boundaries.  A child needs parents who
will set limits that are appropriate to his age level at each step of
development.  Self-control and inner discipline develop only after limits are
firmly set.  Overall consistency is important because it builds up feelings of
security in the child.
     The basic idea is to try to achieve for your child balances between
routine and variety, sameness and contrast, protection and freedom.  Trust
your own instincts, advises prominent pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton.
Children are remarkably adaptable, and you cannot fail to be successful in
promoting your child's optimal development if your aim is to provide a deep
and warm personal relationship with your child as well as an appropriate world
of toys, experiences, and instruction.

     Recognizing Your Child's Uniqueness

     Environmental influences alone cannot explain the variability in a
child's development.  Your child's temperament will play a significant and
active role through interaction with your own parental style.  Unfortunately,
mismatches sometimes occur between the temperaments of parents and their
children.  However deep their love and respect for each other, these parents
and children simply have trouble getting along, sometimes all their lives.  It
is important that parents come to understand the differences between
themselves and their children, what makes their children "tick" and how they
can best help and guide them.  In especially difficult cases, a specific
management program instituted by a therapist can help improve the "fit"
between a parent and a child.
     The term "temperament" means the unique behavioral style of each
individual.  Many psychologists and others have described what they feel are
the most easily identifiable characteristics of various types of temperaments
and personalities.  A favorite system of classification of those who have
worked with pediatrician Arnold Gesell is called constitutional psychology,
developed by William Sheldon.  This system proposes that we can predict how
any child will behave from an observation of his or her body build.  No
individual is of one type exclusively; we are all combinations, but in most
people one or another is dominant.
     The body of the endomorph is round and soft.  The arms and legs are
comparatively short, with the upper part of the arm longer than the lower.
The hands and feet are small and plump, and the fingers are short and
tapering.  The endomorphic individual is gregarious and loves to eat.  The
child who is an endomorph is easygoing and easy to get along with.
     The body of the mesomorph is hard and square.  The extremities are large,
with the upper portions of the arms and legs equal in length to the lower
parts.  The hands and wrists are large, the fingers squarish.  The mesomorph
likes athletic activity and competitive action, is loud and active, and may be
given to noisy temper tantrums.
     The body of the ectomorph is linear, fragile, and delicate.  The arms and
legs are long in comparison with the body.  The hands and feet are slender and
delicate, and the fingertips are tapered.  The ectomorph likes to be alone and
is most interested in watching, listening, and thinking about things.  He may
have allergies to foods, and may have a hard time sleeping through the night.
     Three other categories of temperament are familiar to parents and perhaps
more often referred to.  The "easy child" is characterized by biologic
regularity (of the bowels, bladder, and feeding cycles) and adaptability.  The
"difficult child," at the other end of the spectrum, displays biologic
irregularity, withdraws from new situations, has negative moods, and adapts
slowly.  The "slow-to-warm-up child" is somewhere in the middle, combining
some of both kinds of traits.

     The Experts on Cognition

     Rearing a child is not like producing a piece of craft work.  There is no
single set of instructions that, if faithfully followed, will assure you of
perfect results.  Too much human variation and experience not embodied in any
particular theory must go into parenting, making it impossible as well as
unwise to try to follow just one method of childrearing.  This does not mean
that parents should not be interested in the findings of child-development
researchers.  The better informed they are, the better able they will be to
choose from among the many attitudes and viewpoints of the experts those they
believe will work for them and be compatible with their temperaments and
lifestyles.
     A single book such as this cannot possibly cover all the work that has
been done on cognition.  Following is a "sampler" that attempts to put into
perspective the basic premises of four of the major theorists:  Piaget,
Gesell, Erikson, and Spock.  All believe that there are stages or periods of
development, but each emphasizes a different approach to the study of a
child's thinking and learning patterns.
     Jean Piaget was a Swiss psychologist who may be called an interactionist.
That is, his theory is that intellectual development results from an active,
dynamic interplay between a child and her environment.  Arnold Gesell, an
American pediatrician who did his research at the Yale Child Study Center, may
be called a maturationist.  His theory is that heredity promotes unfolding of
development in a preordained sequence--on a timetable, so to speak, with few
individual differences.  Both men have contributed a tremendous amount of
knowledge about the growing infant and child.  Although they stand at opposite
poles, both have recorded facts useful to parents and professionals alike in
making meaningful observations of child behavior.  Piaget's contributions to
learning theory have helped shape many educational programs in our schools,
while Gesell's schedules of behavior development are still used as clinical
and diagnostic tools by pediatric developmentalists.
     Erik Erikson, a psychoanalyst of children at the Institute of Child
Welfare in California, and Benjamin Spock, the dean of American pediatricians,
may be discussed together.  While Piaget and Gesell emphasize motor and
intellectual development, Erikson and Spock are most interested in the
emotional development of children.  Although they, too, think of development
in terms of stages or periods, they differ from Piaget and Gesell in their
stress on the importance of individual differences among children.

     Jean Piaget
     Piaget describes four theoretical periods, or stages, of child
development:  sensorimotor, preoperational, concrete operational, and formal
operational.  Consideration of these periods has spurred a great deal of
research, most of which has tended to support Piaget's conclusions about
children's cognitive development.
     The four stages are very different from one another; each reveals a
different way in which an individual reacts to her environment.  As an
interactionist, Piaget feels that each stage in development occurs as a result
of interaction between maturation and environment.  He believes also that
intelligence or intelligent behavior is the ability to adapt.  Even nonverbal
behavior, to the extent that it is adaptive, is intelligent.

  -  In the sensorimotor stage (birth to two years), infants are transformed
     from creatures who respond mostly with reflexes to those who can organize
     sensorimotor activity in response to the environment--to reach for a toy,
     for example, or to pull back from a frightening stranger.  Babies
     gradually become more organized, and their activities become less random.
     Through each encounter with the environment, they progress from a reflex
     stage to trial-and-error learning and simple problem solving.
  -  In the preoperational stage (two to seven years), children's thinking, by
     adult standards, is illogical and focused entirely on themselves.  They
     begin to use symbols to represent objects, places, and people.
     Symbols--images that represent some object or person--are sight, sound,
     or touch sensations that are evoked internally.  In play, children act
     out their views of the world, using a system of symbols to represent what
     they see in their environment.
  -  By the concrete operational stage (seven to eleven years), children begin
     to gain the ability to think logically and to understand concepts that
     they use in dealing with the immediate environment.
  -  They have arrived at the formal operational stage (twelve years and over)
     when they start thinking in abstract terms as well as concrete ones.
     Adolescents, for example, can discuss theoretical issues as well as real
     ones.

     In Piaget's view, then, the development of knowledge is an active process
and depends upon interaction between the child and the environment.  The child
is neither the possessor of a preformed set of mental abilities that gradually
unfold nor a passive recipient of stimulation from the environment.  From
infancy onward, movement increasingly gives way to thought, and learning
continues to be an interactive process.

     Arnold Gesell
     Like Piaget, Gesell de-emphasizes individual differences among children
and stresses the importance of maturation.  Unlike the Swiss psychologist,
however, Gesell sees maturation following an inherited timetable; abilities
and skills emerge in a preordained sequence.
     Gesell believes that because the infant and the child are subject to
predictable growth forces, the behavior patterns that result are not whimsical
or accidental by-products.  Those patterns are, in his view, predictable
end-products of a total developmental process that works within an orderly
sequence.  He describes four fields of behavior:  motor, adaptive, language,
and personal-social.  In his view, the organization of behavior begins well
before birth and proceeds from head to foot.  In a summary of behavior
development, Gesell describes the following landmarks:

  -  In the first quarter of the first year of life (birth to sixteen weeks),
     the newborn gains control of muscles and nerves in the face (those that
     are involved in sight, hearing, taste, sucking, swallowing, and smell),
  -  In the second quarter (sixteen to twenty-eight weeks), the infant starts
     to develop command of muscles of the neck and head and moves her arms
     purposefully.  The baby reaches out for things.
  -  In the third quarter (twenty-eight to forty weeks), the baby gains
     control of her trunk and her hands--grasping objects, transferring them
     from hand to hand, and fondling them.
  -  In the fourth quarter (forty to fifty-two weeks), control extends to the
     baby's legs and feet, and also to the index fingers and thumbs, to allow
     plucking of a tiny object.  The baby begins to talk.
  -  In the second year, the toddler walks and runs, speaks some words and
     phrases clearly, acquires bladder and bowel control, and begins to
     develop a sense of personal identity and of personal possessions.
  -  In the third year, the child speaks in clear sentences, using words as
     tools of thinking.  No longer an infant, she tries to manipulate the
     environment.  Tantrums are displayed.
  -  In the fourth year, the child asks many questions and begins to form
     concepts and to generalize.  She is nearly self-dependent in home
     routines.
  -  By the age of five, the child is very mature in motor control over large
     muscles; she actively skips, hops, and jumps.  She talks without any
     infantile sounds and can tell a long story and a few simple jokes.  She
     feels pride in accomplishment and is quite self-assured in the small
     world of home.

     Erikson and Spock
     While Piaget and Gesell emphasize motor and intellectual development,
Erikson and Spock are most interested in the emotional development of
children.  Although they, too, think of development in terms of stages or
periods, Erikson and Spock differ from Piaget and Gesell in their stress on
the importance of individual differences among children.  The classifications
below are Erikson's; Spock's findings are included under the appropriate
headings.

  -  The period of trust covers the early months in an infant's life and is so
     called because babies need to establish confidence in their parents and
     in their environment.  This period of trust provides a solid foundation
     for further development.  Spock calls infants at this stage "physically
     helpless and emotionally agreeable."  Some babies, however, are more
     difficult to understand and their cries for help are not clear.  The
     parents can't separate the cry of hunger, fatigue, or discomfort from wet
     diapers from the cry for attention.  Problems frequently occur because of
     parental inexperience or because there are marked differences in
     temperament between parent and infant.
  -  The period of autonomy is one in which toddlers strive for independence;
     it represents the development of self-control and self-reliance.  Spock
     speaks of the child at this stage as having a "sense of his own
     individuality and will power" and as vacillating between dependence and
     independence.  Parents of such a child must learn to accept some loss of
     control while maintaining necessary limits.
  -  The period of initiative covers the preschool years, during which a child
     gains considerable freedom.  Spock calls what the child does during this
     period "imitation through admiration."  Fears are a common problem, and
     the child has an active fantasy life.  Preschoolers frequently have
     difficulty separating from their parents, often caused or reinforced by
     the parents' own problems in separating from their offspring.
  -  The period of industry or work completion is one in which the school-age
     child learns to win praise by performing and producing results.  Spock
     describes this period as one in which the school-age child is trying to
     fit into an outside group of friends and to move away from his parents.
     Parents react to this declaration of independence in several ways,
     frequently being hurt or disappointed.  School-age children still need
     plenty of parental support despite their surface attempts at
     self-assurance.  Parents should give support in a way that shows respect
     for the child's feelings and pride.
  -  Adolescence is Erikson's fifth and final stage of development.  He
     describes the teenager's task as one of establishing "Identity," finding
     out who he is and what he wants to make of his life.  Teenage experiments
     with relationships and development of a view of reality through constant
     testing may be very hard on parents.  Spock describes adolescents as
     being very "peer-oriented."  He stresses the need for parents to continue
     to set appropriate limits, instill worthwhile values, and provide
     positive role models.

Your Child's Social Development

     Social behavior begins very early in the lives of human beings.  Infants
respond to people almost from the moment of birth.  In fact, if you began the
bonding process with close skin contact immediately after your baby was born,
you probably felt that she was definitely aware of you, reaching out to you.
Newborns are attracted to human faces, and they like the sound of human
voices, especially female voices.  Soon your new baby's eyes will follow your
movements in a room, then her head will turn to watch you.  At three or four
months, your baby will respond happily to smiling people, then will smile at
the sight of any approaching face.  The baby will smile--you will smile--her
smile will broaden.  Thus, social interaction begins; the baby has learned to
get a reaction from another person.  She will even try to mimic you when you
stare, stick your tongue out, or make faces.  One day you'll notice that your
baby quiets if you speak or sing as you come near the crib.  It won't be long
until she will make a sound in response to your voice.
     At five to eight months old, your baby will probably be learning how to
be "cute," how to get your attention by pretending to cough or by doing
something that has made you laugh before.  She will know the difference
between familiar people and strangers and may show fear of strangers.  When
your baby is somewhere between the ages of eight months and a year, you'll be
getting cooperation in the singing games and finger plays with which you've
been entertaining her.  Soon she will adore having an audience and will
delight in performing the "bye-bye" ritual and any others that get attention.
     Between the ages of one and three, your child will be ready to branch out
socially.  Though learning to actually play with other children effectively
will take a while, she will want to be around them, if only as an observer.
She will learn a great deal from this observation.

     The First Social Set:  The Family

     The immediate family--mother, father, siblings, and a care-giver, if the
baby has some kind of day care--is your baby's first social set, a select and
fortunate group.  All of you will outdo yourselves to entertain and please the
baby, and your greatest thrills will come when he responds and reciprocates.
Remember, though, that the key word in all human behavior is unique.  Your
baby is as different from all the other babies in the world as each snowflake
is different from all others.  Antics that sent your older child or your
neighbor's baby into paroxysms of giggles and gurgles may very well make this
baby cry and pull back.  Take your cue from your child:  if he startles easily
or seems frightened by your loud noises, funny faces, or sudden actions, ease
up.
     At about a year, your child will be extremely sociable.  He will love
being part of any and every family gathering and will obviously adore
everyone.  The baby will happily go on your rounds of shopping and errands
with you, pay and receive social visits with you, and thoroughly enjoy just
being with you around the house.  Anything goes, in fact, as long as a family
member is close at hand.
     Unfortunately, things will change.  The push toward independence you've
read and heard about will become reality, and at a point somewhere around
eighteen months, your baby will appear to have outgrown any need for you.  He
will barely acknowledge your presence in daily life, except to say no a great
deal.  Walking, running, climbing stairs, exploring, and satisfying curiosity
about everything and anything will be all-engrossing.  There will be
occasional reversions to the old baby ways of love and play, but in general
the child at this age is concentrating so hard on self and environment that
adults seem to exist for no reason other than to satisfy his desires.  The
exception to this behavior will be when there's trouble; no one but Mommy or
the primary, daily care-giver can handle a cut or bruise or make a stubborn
toy work the way it should.
     Sociability will return, in time, but by the time it does, your baby's
social set will include playmates and others outside the family.  You will
never again be as all-important to your child as you were for the first year,
which is as it should be.  Learning to let go is among the most important of
parents' lessons.

     Separation Anxiety and Other Fears

     Love takes many forms, and your baby may often show her love for you by
resisting any separation from you.  This is completely natural.  Your baby is
aware of total dependence on you for survival; if you are absent, fear takes
over.  Contrary to what many people think, you will not "break" your baby of
needing you by forcing frequent or lengthy separations.  The truth is that the
more secure you can make her feel, by being present and by holding, cuddling,
and reassuring, the more confident and unafraid she will be.  You will notice
that something frightening--perhaps the vacuum cleaner--is no longer so from
the safety zone of your arms.  Other unreasonable fears come and go suddenly;
some common ones are fear of dogs or cats, the ghosts and monsters that come
in the night, emergency sirens, thunder, and people in "unusual" garb, such as
doormen and nuns in habits.  These frights pass and are forgotten if you
support your child through them.
     If your baby seems unable to be without you for a single waking moment,
realize that this is one of the many phases she will go through and do your
best to go along with it.  Don't force a stint in the playpen or an exercise
period in the middle of the living room floor if your infant seems terrified
of being in the center of all that empty space.  Don't make an obviously
reluctant baby go to someone else, even if it's a relative whose feelings are
apt to be hurt by the rejection.  Leave the door to the baby's room ajar at
bedtime, and reassure her that you're near by letting your voice be heard from
wherever you are in the house.  Try not to show irritation at what you know to
be foolish and unreasonable fears; you will only make your baby feel unloved
and less secure than ever.  Don't worry about "spoiling" a clinging baby or
overprotecting her by avoiding situations you know are frightening.  She has a
built-in human drive to be mature and to be independent.
     Many babies are reluctant to be left with babysitters.  When Mommy is out
of sight, she is gone, and children under the age of about two cannot yet
reason well enough to know that she will be back.  Some parents feel they
simply must not leave their children at this point; others insist that they
must get out and that both they and their children are better for an
occasional separation.  If you're in the latter group, someone your child
knows will be your best choice for a sitter at first--Grandma or another
relative is often ideal.  You may wish to have a sitter your baby doesn't know
come for a visit or two when you will be home, so the two can get to be
friends.
     If you must leave a comparative stranger in charge, have the babysitter
arrive early enough to get acquainted with your baby while you are still
there.  Never sneak off, say most parents; use a regular goodbye ritual that
includes kissing goodbye and waving.  Come home when you've said you will,
and set the time as "after your nap," instead of "at three o'clock," for a
small child who doesn't live by the clock yet.  If you drop your child off at
the sitter's house, even if a loving and beloved Grandma is the sitter, be
sure to take along the favorite stuffed animal or blanket.

     Siblings as First Friends

     Your baby's siblings will be his first friends.  With luck, your children
will remain good friends for life.  At first, your concern will be to help
your older child handle jealousy at being "replaced" by involving her in the
care of the baby.  As you teach the older child how to play with the baby and
how to amuse him, you'll see the baby responding.  Admiration for an older
child's skills and accomplishments and the pure pleasure of just being allowed
to be in her company will be the baby's very obvious emotions.  Later, the
younger child will probably be jealous of the older because of those very
skills and accomplishments, but in the early days there's nothing like having
a big brother or big sister to watch and love.

     Grandmas and Grandpas, Aunts and Uncles

     The time to start a loving relationship between grandparents and other
older relatives and your child is in the beginning.  The way to keep such
wonderful relationships thriving is to keep the companionship and
communication open and frequent.  Ideally, Grandma and Grandpa live down the
street or around the corner, and the other relatives live not much farther
away.  Holidays are shared, and the families are often in one another's homes
for quick visits or meals.  When the kids are a little older, they look upon
every home in the family as partly theirs.  The child who sees and shores time
with elders in this fashion will learn to love and trust them and to look upon
them as beings similar to, but different from (and in a special way), her
parents.
     Unfortunately, not all those in the extended family are always within
easy visiting distance, perhaps not even in the same state or region of the
country.  Some of those whom you want to be closest to your baby may be able
to see her only rarely, when either they or you pack up and drive or fly to
visit.  Between visits, it will be up to you to help your child remember the
relatives and to help both the elders and the child feel close to one another.
Use the telephone and the mail to keep your relatives informed about your
child's development; pictures and tapes will help.  Show your child pictures
of the relatives, use their names often, and tell stories about your childhood
that include them.
     A sad fact is that long-distance visits are sometimes exhausting for
parents, elders, and children alike, unsatisfactory for all because of
unreasonably high expectations and too much "togetherness" in too short a
period of time.  Routines are upset, and the schedule of activities may be too
crowded; there may be neither enough room in the house nor hours in the day
for anyone to have the privacy and time alone that everyone from the oldest
grandparent to the youngest infant needs.
     Handling family visits with grace takes practice, along with
consideration and goodwill.  Lowering your expectations will help.  Don't
expect that the elders will find your child perfect and your methods of child
care irreproachable.  Don't for a minute think your child will not, at some
time during the visit, display unattractive habits and perform naughty acts
normal for her age, plus some that are far advanced.  Don't dream that you can
go all the places, see all the people, and do all the things you want to and
should.  Above all, don't worry about the elders spoiling your child.  A
little coddling and extra attention and a little relaxation of the rules will
make a visit more special and memorable.

     Playmates and Peers

     Your baby's social life with his peers will begin just as soon as you see
to it that he has opportunities to see other babies.  You can put two babies
in a playpen or on a blanket on the grass at three months old, and if they are
both in happy moods, they'll make a picture both families will always
treasure.  Cooperative play with other children, the kind most adults consider
"real" play, doesn't start until kids are about three, but they all need the
companionship of other children long before that.  Of course siblings often
make wonderful playmates, but it is important for your baby to be around
others who are close to him in age and size.
     Finding suitable playmates may or may not be easy, depending upon your
neighborhood, your own circle of friends, and your personal inclinations and
abilities in making new friends.  If there's a public park near you, you may
find this "fresh air playroom" the ideal place both for your child and
yourself to take a break from the home routine.  Many lifetime friendships,
for both parents and children, have begun in parks.  The parents socialize and
trade child-care tips as their babies doze in carriages; then later they share
supervision duties as their children play on park equipment and learn to get
along with others.
     Some who have watched their own children or others' closely as their
social lives developed have noted that play progresses in quite predictable
stages.  The first stage is not play at all; babies under a year old are
watchers.  They examine their toys and everything they get their hands on very
closely, and they stare at other people.  You'll probably notice that your
baby is especially interested in other babies and small children and is well
aware that they are different from adults.
     Toddlers begin what's called parallel play.  They play side by side or
back to back, paying little or no attention to each other.  They like being
together, and they may occasionally enjoy watching each other play, but most
of all each is interested in what he is doing.  When your child is about
eighteen months old, you're likely to see some aggressiveness.  Toddlers don't
really know how to play yet; they don't understand sharing, and they haven't
learned that it's not right to hit and shove and bite other people.  Use
common sense in handling a battle between two toddlers; remember that you are
the adult.  Of course you can't stand by and see a child get really hurt, but
be careful you don't teach your toddler that it's all right to hit others
because Mommy will see to it that the others don't hit back.  And be aware
that if you spank your toddler for being overly aggressive, you'll be teaching
him that the way to stop hitting is to hit.
     Associative play in which children really play together, follows soon.
This is unstructured play; there are no rules, but two children will talk to
each other and use some of the same toys.  Both attention spans and tempers
are short, and egos are all-important, so you can't expect the fun to last
more than about a half hour in most cases.  You'll hear the word "mine" often.
If the eyes of two children happen to light on the same toy at the same time,
they'll both reach for it whether or not they really want it.  In fact,
toddlers of this age really do want everything they see, unselectively.
Reason won't solve the problem of contention; these children are not yet old
enough to grasp the idea of sharing.  You may be able to make use of a timer
to set the end of one child's turn and the beginning of the other's, but
sometimes you may simply have to put a toy away.
     Remember that the quarrels that annoy you because they seem senseless
help children develop social skills.  If you interfere in any but the most
serious, you will be depriving the children of a chance to learn how to get
along with others.  At this point, children almost always do best with just
one other child, and will get along better and be able to play longer with one
than with another.  It is important now that your child see as many others as
possible, so as to be able to select the ones with whom she most enjoys
playing.
     By about the age of three, your child will have become proficient enough
at social relationships to begin cooperative pay which involves rules and
sharing and turns and fairness--in playing house, the "mother" must act like a
mother:  it's not fair for one child to knock down a tower of blocks two have
put up together; your child will know that she can't use the swing while it's
the playmate's turn.  If you have older children it's at about this point that
you begin to see the sibling companionship you've been waiting for.  While
previously the older kids have probably enjoyed playing with the younger one
as a sort of living toy, now little brother or little sister has learned
enough to make proper responses in play situations and has become much more
interesting.  Imaginative role playing--"school," "house," "office"--is fun
for both the older and the younger kids.
     Parents often worry if they see what they think are signs of shyness in
their child.  Some shyness is simply the result of a developmental phase; the
child will soon outgrow it and become outgoing and friendly.  You can help
your shy toddler or preschooler by encouraging nonthreatening play with just
one or two low-key children, not a crowd of boisterous ones.  Be aware that
some children are simply less gregarious than others, just as some adults are.
Don't push too hard.

     Play Groups
     One way to provide your child with a regular source of playmates of the
right age is to form a play group with other parents.  It's not too early to
start a group when the children of three or four congenial parents who live
close to each other have reached the age of eighteen months to two years.
Some parents choose to meet all together, children and adults, once or twice a
week.  Others prefer to take turns being in charge of the children.  This
approach makes the play group more like "school" and gives all the parents
some time off.  The parent in charge will need to devote total attention to
the group to be sure none of the children gets in trouble, so everything must
be in readiness before a session starts.  Sessions should not last longer than
two hours.  An elaborate array of toys is not necessary; the ones your own
child has will probably be sufficient (see Chapter 4 for information on toys).
By the time the children are about two years old, the play group may be
expanded.  Parents will probably then work in shifts of two, and you may
arrange for meetings to be held in a public place, such as a school or church.

     Birthday Parties
     Your child will learn that his birthday is a very special day when you
bring out the cake with its single candle and the whole family cheers and
sings.  A balloon or two, the lighted cake, the singing of "Happy Birthday,"
the flash of the camera, and a few presents will probably be enough to
overwhelm all but the most sophisticated of babies.  Some parents do like to
include a few friends and their children in the celebration.  This is best
handled very simply, perhaps in a park or in the backyard if possible.
Ideally, every child will be accompanied by at least one parent.  If you have
a party at home and you can possibly manage it, provide nap space for
exhausted babies.
     By the second birthday, your child may have been to a party or two and
may have some idea of what to expect.  Still, even many three-year-olds are
not yet ready for the full-scale party some parents like to put on.  By the
preschool and kindergarten years, kids can handle theme parties that involve
six to a dozen guests and feature clever decorations and full-meal
refreshments, games with prizes, craft-making sessions, and even professional
entertainers, such as clowns or magicians.  Until then, though, keep parties
small and short, and plan simple and noncompetitive activities.  Balloons,
favors to take home, and the traditional ice cream and cake will make as
exciting a party as most toddlers are up to.  Many excellent books on
children's parties are available, and most have ideas that are suitable for
toddlers and young preschoolers.

Parental Expectations

     Comparing your child's development with that of the children of your
friends and neighbors is futile and unproductive.  A common failing of parents
is to exaggerate a bit as they try to show their children in the best light,
and what you hear is not always the truth.  The most glowing (and the most
overstated) accounts of babies' accomplishments are likely to come from
parents whose children are long past the stages about which they speak.  You
will hear that one friend's baby slept through the night at two weeks,
another's walked at nine months and spoke complete sentences at eighteen
months, and still another's was completely toilet trained at a year.  If you
worry that your child isn't living up to standards set by others, you will
upset your own tranquility and find it impossible to enjoy and appreciate your
baby.  In addition, you'll be setting your child up for a life of low
self-esteem and an endless struggle to meet your impossible expectations,
     Even the most accurate and realistic of developmental schedules worked
out by pediatricians and psychologists after their observations of thousands
of children will not tell you exactly what your baby should be doing at any
given period.  These schedules are helpful if not taken too literally, but
they should be used only as guides, to give you a general idea of what to
expect from your child.  Every baby develops at a different rate, and if yours
is slow to roll over or build a tower of blocks, it doesn't mean he is less
intelligent than your friend's or neighbor's child or than the "average" baby
profiled on the development charts.
     A child's maturity level may be more likely than his IQ to determine the
rate of development.  Some children simply mature more slowly than others;
they're called "late bloomers," and often their accomplishments ultimately
equal or surpass those of others.  Some children develop at an average or
above-average rate in one area, such as motor skills, and at a below-average
rate in another, such as language.  You may wish to take the sex of your child
into consideration, too.  In general, girls mature more quickly than boys.
They usually walk earlier, talk sooner, show more early interest in
"intellectual" skills, such as printing and drawing, and become toilet trained
earlier.
     Promise yourself from the beginning that you will respect and love your
baby as a unique individual, different from any other, with his or her own
beauty and charm.  Constantly practice the art of accepting your child as is,
without ranking or comparing him with others.  Be aware that while the
environment you provide is, of course, important, certain facets of a child's
potential are genetically controlled.  It will not be your fault if you do not
rear a genius, nor will it be entirely to your credit if you do.

     Possible Causes for Developmental Problems

     Some infants have inborn defects, such as brain damage and incomplete
development of the brain, that prevent normal development.  Others suffer from
conditions or diseases that can be treated once they have been identified.
One rare inherited metabolic disease, for which infants are almost always
tested before they leave the hospital, is phenylketonuria (PKU).  Untreated,
the disease leads to mental retardation, but early detection and prompt
treatment through diet usually assure development of average intelligence.
Another test given newborns is for congenital hypothyroidism, which is also
rare and also capable of causing retardation if untreated.
     Infants born with some defects may not appear abnormal immediately, but
most display marked delays in development that their parents observe or their
doctors notice.  At each checkup, the pediatrician will observe your child's
behavior as a clue to development.  She, or an assistant, may also do quick
screening tests at certain ages in your child's life.  In both the observation
and the tests, the pediatrician is looking for possible danger signals.
     Other infants, normal at birth, suffer later from incompetent or
insufficient nurturing.  Environmental problems are often more difficult for a
pediatrician to identify than inborn defects, and they can pose serious
hazards to a child's development.  Some of the clues that alert the physician
are these:

  -  Disturbances of eating or sleeping (either insufficient or excessive).
     Both the quantity and the quality of parental care influence an infant's
     own regulation of eating and sleeping.
  -  Physical symptoms, such as frequent vomiting, diarrhea, and skin rashes.
  -  Failure to grow normally in height and weight.  An infant deprived of
     loving nurture may fail to grow in spite of adequate food intake.  If a
     lack of nurturing can be ruled out, the pediatrician will investigate
     suppression of growth factors in the baby's brain.
  -  Marked delay or deviation in specific areas, such as motor development,
     verbal ability, intellectual development, and general learning, or in
     development of relationships to others, a sense of self, or the capacity
     to play.

     Frequently, when the necessary nurturing ingredients are lacking,
children develop various medical or psychological problems.  For instance, if
bonding does not occur between mother and infant, it is not unusual to find
"failure to thrive" behavioral problems as well as a disturbed mother-child
relationship.  This does not mean there will automatically be trouble if the
ideal bonding process does not take place immediately following birth.  Recent
studies have shown that mothers of cesarean-birth, premature, or adopted
babies can successfully bond later.
     Likewise, parents who are aware of their own imperfections and lack of
knowledge need not worry that their baby's ability to develop will be
automatically damaged.  Babies have a strong drive toward normal development
that helps them resist potentially damaging environmental factors.  Clearly,
the ability of infants to develop can be damaged in situations of poor care,
but none of us is without flaws.  We should do the very best we can for our
children, but we need not be perfect in order to raise fine human beings.
     Parents who are concerned about some aspect of their infant's or child's
development or, later, about behavioral problems should turn first to their
pediatrician.  Sometimes one's inclination is to avoid "bothering" the doctor,
and it is true that time is a precious commodity for a pediatrician.  Still,
if the doctor seems unwilling to discuss what the parents see as a problem, or
refuses for some reason to become involved in the parents' worries, it would
probably be wise to choose another pediatrician.  If more than average time is
required for an office visit to discuss behavioral problems, some
pediatricians charge more, but you can count extra fees as money well spent if
you are able to head off serious problems.

     Special Developmental Evaluations

     Occasionally a child whose problems may be as specific as slow speech
development or as general as overall slow development needs the attention of a
developmentalist, a pediatrician whose subspecialty is early childhood
development.  Parents who suspect a developmental lag in either motor or
cognitive development, or see signs that their baby is refusing to be
socialized or is withdrawn and depressed, can ask for an evaluation by such a
specialist, or their pediatrician may recommend it.  The developmentalist,
perhaps working with a team of other professionals, such as social workers and
psychologists, observes the child performing various functions in a play-like
situation to determine the existence and extent of developmental problems.
Other specialists may be called in as consultants.
     After an assessment, the developmentalist will discuss with the parents
his findings and recommendations for treatment.  Unfortunately, some parents
will learn that their fears of retardation have been confirmed.  (See Chapter
8 for discussion of the physical aspects of retardation and disability.)
Others will receive the relief of assurance that their child can develop
normally, perhaps with special help.  Whatever the outcome of the evaluation,
parents should strive for a proper balance in their reactions.  Hysterical
overconcern will help neither their child nor themselves, and trying to
insulate themselves against pain and hurt by noninvolvement is just as bad.

Disabled Children

     Assessing Disability

     All children can learn and develop.  But children do not learn and
develop in the same way or at the same rate.  Sometimes parents will notice an
overall pattern of slowness in a child's responses to the world around him.
Parents may notice that the child's general physical growth and achievement
seem to lag far behind those of other children.
     Some children don't seem to develop normal sensory responses.
Vision-impaired children, for instance, may not focus or follow with their
eyes.  A hearing-impaired child may not respond to sounds or may fail to speak
or make pre-speech sounds, or she may babble later and less frequently than
children with normal hearing.
     When parents perceive a consistent pattern of delays, they will want
their child evaluated by a professional.  Part of that assessment will include
an effort to determine possible causes of the problem or problems.
     The causes cover a wide range of possibilities.  Early in the development
of the fetus, for example, a spontaneous change in the chromosomes or in
individual genes may lead to Down syndrome, a disabling condition that causes
affected children to develop and grow more slowly than normal children.
Premature birth can sometimes lead to developmental difficulties in a child.
Certain infections carried by the mother may affect the fetus in its early
stages, and may lead to retardation and other abnormalities.  A trauma
suffered during birth or shortly before or offer birth may adversely affect a
child, and can lead to such conditions as cerebral palsy.  Certain childhood
illnesses, like encephalitis and meningitis, may also leave a child with
mental or physical handicaps.
     It is not always possible to determine the cause of a disabling
condition; some developmental delays are difficult to diagnose.  An IQ
(intelligence quotient) score below 69 indicates a child may be mentally
retarded (90 to 109 is considered average).  But the diagnosis of a handicap
should not rest solely on an IQ test score.  A child's adaptive behavior--his
ability to respond to stimuli, to learn and grow--should also be measured.
There are, however, no absolute tests that can tell us how quickly a
handicapped child will move through developmental stages, or how much that
child will eventually be able to accomplish.

     Stimulating Developmental Potential

     From the moment they are born, children begin learning about the world
around them.  They learn through their movements and through their senses of
taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing.  When one or more of these senses are
impaired, the child's view of the world is altered, and her ability to learn
from it changes.  Yet with advances in medicine, technology, and our
understanding of how babies grow and learn, we can frequently expect far
greater physical and mental development from disabled children than was
possible even a decade ago.  How much development depends upon the extent of
the handicap, how soon it is correctly diagnosed, and how quickly the child
can be placed in an appropriately stimulating environment.  Mentally
handicapped children, for instance, need frequent and consistent stimulation
because they often have difficulty in focusing their attention and
remembering.  They may also have perceptual difficulties that make it hard for
them to understand what is happening around them and why it is happening.
     In many cases, a child's abilities can be improved by stimulating the
impaired sense.  Children with muscular dystrophy, Down syndrome, and cerebral
palsy often can benefit from a physical therapy program that exercises all
their muscles.  Exercising the legs and feet of children with severe cases of
spina bifida prepares them for walking with braces and crutches.  Children
with hearing impairments can learn to use their residual hearing with the help
of high-power hearing aids and auditory training that increases and expands
their listening ability.  Children with severe visual impairments can sharpen
their other senses to help compensate for their lack of sight while they learn
about their world.  Children with Down syndrome and cerebral palsy may also
benefit from vision, speech, and occupational therapies.
     Stimulation programs geared for children from birth to age three have
demonstrated that even children with severe disabilities can learn, grow, and
participate in the world around them.  Parents can lead many of the exercises
in such programs themselves, but they will almost always benefit from the
supervision of a trained therapist.  Your local health department, public
school, or state department of disabilities may have an appropriate infant
stimulation program, or may be able to recommend a trained therapist who could
visit your home on a regular basis to help your child and teach you
appropriate exercises and play.  University teaching hospitals and private
agencies that serve handicapped children may also be good sources of
information.
     Play is an important way of learning for all children.  Disabled children
who can't move around to explore on their own can still learn about their
neighborhoods through trips with the family.  Within the home, children can be
carried or guided from room to room to touch, feel, see, smell, or hear
various objects.  Vision-impaired children can use their hands, faces, feet,
and other parts of their bodies to explore and learn.  Hearing-impaired
children need constant language stimulation and, like all children, need to
hear explanations for what is happening around them.  Pictures in books and
magazines are another way of exposing sighted children to places, people,
animals, and ways of life outside their immediate experience.
     Toys provide another means of understanding our bodies and the world.
Disabled children may have trouble playing with conventional toys, but parents
can often adapt them to their child's needs or create appropriate play
objects.  Many communities have toy libraries (known as Lekoteks) that serve
as resources by providing specially designed or selected toys for handicapped
children.

     The Role of Parents

     No two handicapped children--even those who have the same type of
disability--are alike.  Nor are their needs alike.  But a handicapped child's
primary need is the same as that of all children:  the love and support of his
parents.  Sometimes parents become so absorbed in the need to stimulate their
child and to compensate for his handicap that they forget that the most
important task is to love him and to take pleasure in him as a human being.
When a child sees that his parents enjoy being with him, his sense of
self-worth is nourished.  That growing sense of self-worth is an important
measure of a parent's success with a handicapped child.
     If you are the parent of a disabled child, your goals are to foster
independence and to help your child develop a sense of self-worth and personal
fulfillment.  Through therapy and play, you are striving to help your child
deal with his handicap while realizing his full potential.  How much
independence your child achieves will depend, to a great degree, not only on
your child's handicap, but on how much you let your child do for himself at
each stage.
     All children reach plateaus in their development--times when they seem to
stop moving forward, or when they may even take a step back.  This can be a
particularly difficult time for parents of handicapped children, who have to
learn to measure the progress of their youngsters in inches rather than yards.
     When your child reaches a plateau, it is helpful to look back and focus
on how far he has progressed.  This may also be a good time to focus on
short-term rather than long-term goals--finger feeding, getting dressed,
repeating the first intelligible word or phrase, finally mastering toilet
training.  When parents focus all their energy on a single, short-term goal, a
handicapped child may begin to move forward again.  By stopping to observe how
a handicapped child copes with such challenges, how he adapts to new and
greater demands, parents can help themselves to develop realistic expectations
for their child.
     Children progress best when their parents function as advocates for them,
choosing the most appropriate educational settings, setting reasonable goals,
and providing a warm and nurturing environment.  Parents should view
themselves as partners with professionals in planning the care of their
handicapped children.

     Choosing a Special Program

     Many disabilities have national associations, like the March of Dimes for
genetic disorders, that provide information and recommend programs or
resources.  Many of those associations have local chapters and parent-support
groups.  See Chapter 8 for addresses and phone numbers of the March of Dimes
and other national organizations.
     If you are lucky enough to have a choice of programs, how do you choose
the one that will be best for your child?  Decisions should be based on how
comfortable you are with the professionals in the available programs and with
the therapies being presented.  Some therapies, such as patterning
(manipulation of head and limbs to prompt desired behavior) for brain-damaged
and learning-disabled children, are less well known and not as widely
available as other therapies.  Frequently, educators will differ on the
subject of learning sequence; some educators of the deaf, for instance,
believe in introducing sign language to children almost immediately, while
others believe children should have strictly auditory/oral training before any
signs are introduced.  Because the opinions and methods of professionals
differ, be sure to investigate a number of programs before committing yourself
and your child to a particular one.  If you consider a private program with
private therapists, remember that the cost of a program is not necessarily an
indication of its quality or appropriateness.
     While factors of cost and convenience will certainly influence your
decision, parents should also consider other factors:

  -  How long will the program be able to serve your child?
  -  Is it a new program using experimental techniques, or an established
     program using therapies that are widely accepted?
  -  How well trained are the therapists who will work with your child?
  -  Who supervises the therapists' work?
  -  What does the therapist expect of you?
  -  Does she seem willing to share her expertise with you?
  -  Does she want you to understand her methods?
  -  Does she seem capable of establishing a good rapport with your child?
  -  If the program is new, will it continue to receive funding, or do
     sponsors need to raise funds each year?
  -  How many children are being served, and what is the ratio of staff to
     students?
  -  Are children with multiple handicaps combined in classrooms with children
     who have only one or two clearly defined disabilities?

     Perhaps the most important factor in choosing a program is the
expectations of the professionals involved.  Each child is different and will
bring to the program his own determination to succeed.  Parents may see
strength and recognize progress that professionals miss.  If the
professionals' expectations are too low, your child may not proceed as quickly
as you feel appropriate.  And if their expectations are too high, your child
may feel frustrated.

     Your Relationship with the Professionals

     Most professionals welcome and encourage active parental involvement in
decisions affecting the child.  However, professionals are human, with human
emotions and responses.  While it is safe to assume that most professionals
who deal with handicapped children have an interest in seeing them well taken
care of, professionals may bring to their work certain prejudices and
preconceptions that do not serve the interests of all children.  You will have
your own opinions; express them.  You should be able to talk openly with
professionals about your concerns and questions.  If the therapist is "too
busy" for or is resistant to such discussions, or if you find such meetings
unproductive and unsatisfying, you should consider finding a new program or
therapist.  While it is in the interest of the child to have continuity of
care over the long run, it is best to change programs if you believe your
child is not being adequately served.

     The Handicapped Child and the Educational System

     As handicapped children move into the toddler stage, parents may wish to
consider preschool or nursery school.  Should you send your child to a special
school where she will be with other children like herself, and where teachers
are trained to deal with your child's handicap?  Sometimes no special school
exists, or it is very far away, requiring that your child make the lengthy
trip to school each day or that she become a resident at the school.
     Even when special schools are close, you may wish to consider
"mainstreaming" your child--sending her to a regular nursery school class.
Many experts feel that young children with mild to moderate disabilities do
better if they can be kept in a normal environment for as long as possible.
Young children are usually more accepting of differences than older children
and adults are, so a disabled child will not necessarily feel odd or left out
in a normal nursery school.  Many nursery schools are willing and able to
accept children with mild to moderate handicaps.  Some are willing to accept
children with more severe handicaps.
     Certain philosophies of education lend themselves more readily to
integrating handicapped children.  If you cannot find a school in your area
that has had experience with handicapped children, you may wish to approach a
Montessori school or other school with a nontraditional approach to nursery
school education.
     If you are considering mainstreaming in a school that has had little or
no experience with your child's handicap, take time to observe and to talk to
the director and the teachers who will have your child.  Be honest about your
child's deficiencies and her needs.  Ask about the school's attitudes toward
handicaps in general and toward your child's handicap in particular.  How do
teachers normally handle problems of discipline and teasing?  How will they
handle questions asked by other children about your child?  Do you feel that
their expectations are reasonable and consistent with your own for children in
general and for your child in particular?
     If you decide to mainstream your child, be prepared to serve as a
resource person for the school.  You may want to talk to the children about
how a hearing aid works, about why your child wears braces, or why she looks
or talks the way she does.  Be prepared for some frustration, especially in
the beginning, as parents and other students work to understand your child and
how to relate to her.  Plan to observe school routine fairly often.  If your
presence upsets your child's routine, enlist the aid of friends to observe.
When you observe, don't focus solely on your child.  Parents of handicapped
children are frequently--and pleasantly--surprised when they observe how much
like other children their child is.

     Your Rights Under the Law

     The Education for All Handicapped Children Act (Public Low 94-142) went
into effect in 1978.  The law requires states to provide a free, appropriate
education to all handicapped children regardless of the severity of their
disability.  Under the law, each child has an individualized education program
(IEP) that indicates what kinds of special education and related services the
child will receive.  Parents have the right to participate in every decision
related to the education of their child, and parents have the right to
challenge and appeal any decision regarding the identification, evaluation, or
placement of their child.
     P.L. 94-142 covers handicapped children from ages three to twenty-one,
except in states where public education is not provided for children under
five and over eighteen.  However, you may find many local school districts
that provide programs for children under three even when they are not required
to by state law.  Many of those programs receive federal funding.
     While the law has tried to provide for the education of most handicapped
children, it has not standardized the quality of education, which can vary
widely from state to state and from one school district to another.  Even
within school districts, certain handicaps are better served than others.
Further, government budget cutbacks have had particular impact on educational
programs, many of which have been truncated or eliminated altogether.  Be
aware that your best-choice program may not be available in your area.  Many
school districts provide information on what is available, as well as
guidelines for parents that describe their children's educational rights.  If
your local district cannot readily provide you with information and a copy of
applicable laws, contact your state board of education.

Bright and Gifted Children

     It used to be said that if the membrane enveloping the head of a fetus
remained intact through a delivery, the baby was born wearing a "caul," and
would be lucky, or gifted, or both.  Now we know that is only a superstition.
     We have also found that it is difficult to determine precocity of mental
development in a child by any means at all, and it is particularly difficult
to assess in very small children.  Educators recognize two kinds of
giftedness, intellectual and creative, and programs for gifted children today
are labeled "for the gifted and talented."  Intellectually gifted individuals
are logical thinkers, capable of heavy inner concentration, and they have IQs
of 130 or higher.  Creatively gifted people are imaginative, adaptable, and
likely to be involved in artistic pursuits; they have IQs of at least 120.
     Bright and healthy children from stimulating environments often show
signs of falling into one of these classifications.  They are typically very
inquisitive about the world around them, often creative with words as they
learn to talk and with their toys as they play.  Some especially love books
and teach themselves to read long before they are old enough to go to school.
They're eager to learn, and many show early indications of special interest in
and talent for music, art, drama, and dancing.  The world of fantasy appeals
strongly to some, who use their imaginations creatively.

     Assessment for Gifted Children

     If you are the parent of a child who may be gifted, you are probably
delighted--we all like to think of our children as well above average--and at
the same time worried.  You may feel as if you are caught in a bind between
pushing too hard and providing enough stimulation to challenge your bright
child.  Formal assessment is the most reliable means of determining whether a
child's development puts her into the official "gifted and talented"
classification.  A child who can read at three or four is considered ready for
testing, but parents should be aware that an assessment at this early age will
probably not be as accurate as one made later.
     Assessment should be performed by an individual or service experienced
with young children as well as with appropriate tests and methods of
interpretation.  It involves the use of certain standardized tests that
measure ability levels and skill development, but almost never the use of
intelligence tests, because of the instability of IQ at young ages.  The
results of the assessment give indications of which areas of learning a child
may begin to master at an early age and of the child's appropriate reading
level.  Once the results are known, options such as early entrance to school
and enrollment in special programs can be considered.  Parents who are
interested in having assessments made may be able to work through their
pediatricians or through social agencies or gifted programs.  One such program
is The Johns Hopkins University Center for the Advancement of Academically
Talented Youth, 34th and Charles Streets, Baltimore, MD 21248.
     Many gifted and talented children do not read before they go to school;
early reading is not the only criterion for exceptional mental or creative
ability.  If you are interested in having an assessment made of your child,
and he or she cannot yet read, it is a good idea to accumulate informative
evidence by keeping a written record of your observations of your child's
advanced behavior.  Use examples, and note such things as these:

  -  Early talking, with adult-like vocabulary, and unusually clever or
     perceptive questions or observations
  -  An excellent memory
  -  Special ability in drawing or other artwork
  -  Ability to concentrate on an activity for a long period of time

     Educators also suggest that you continue to encourage your child's
natural inquisitiveness into the whys and hows of things, without pushing or
forcing.  Offer whatever enriching experiences you can, particularly those
that your child enjoys.  Take advantage of local opportunities in libraries,
children's museums, and such.  Try to find another parent or two willing to
join you, and share your knowledge and enthusiasm as you take your children on
suitable "field trips" together.  Look around your neighborhood for
opportunities:  a construction site, where trucks, machinery, and building
materials can be seen; your local fire station, where personnel will probably
be willing to arrange a real tour if you call ahead; a bus trip across town,
which can be an exciting experience for a child who usually is taken places in
a car.  Learning experiences are available almost everywhere you go with your
child.
     Do remember that the most gifted of children are children first, gifted
second.  However easy it may be to treat your child as you would one much
older, she is undoubtedly immature in some ways.  While your bright child of
three may have the cognitive ability of a child of five, for example, she may
also have the bodily coordination or the emotional and social development, or
both, of a child of only two and a half.  All children, whatever their
potentials and capabilities, are in need of the love, attention, and guidance
of parents who do not try to make miniature adults of them.

     Early Learning Programs

     Should you follow one of the various programs available today that urge
parents to help their children's mental development by teaching them to read,
do math, and learn foreign languages while they are still babies?  Some eye
specialists have warned that visual skills needed for working with print do
not fully evolve until a child is about six years old, and that such early
activity may heighten the possibility of vision problems.  Other experts do
not see a link between early reading and vision difficulties.
     The controversy may never be definitely resolved.  Most educators say
imaginative play is far more important than academic learning for any
preschool-age child.  Programs designed to "educate" your child or raise his
IQ will probably do no real harm to a child who is only bored and confused by
them or to one who seems to enjoy them, but they probably will not do a great
deal of good, either.  Much research suggests that most children read at age
six or seven, when real lessons are started.
     Pioneer researcher Arnold Gesell recommended that as much flexibility be
used in matters of academic readiness as in those of walking readiness.  The
conviction that it was actually harmful for children to learn to read before
they went to school is outdated now, and there are children who, in effect,
teach themselves the skill.  This is a heady, delightful boost to a child's
ego, an accomplishment as great as were the first independent steps taken.  If
your child is full of questions about numbers and letters, by all means answer
them.  Give the child as much information as she wants, but do not waste time
for either of you in formal schoolroom lessons.
     What you can do is help any child--gifted or average--to learn to think
and to remember, both skills that he will need.  Give your toddler practice in
comparing and classifying by sorting laundry, arranging a collection of pretty
stones picked up on walks first by size and then by color, and stacking pans
in the cupboard.  Ask your preschooler to conjecture about things.  For
example, why is the dog across the street limping?  Are the children in the
picture happy or sad?  Ask the child for his reasons or observations.  Is a
rejected food too soft, too crisp, too sour, too sweet?  Why does it seem as
if it will rain today?
     Your toddler won't be able to remember what you say will happen a week
from Tuesday, but what's coming after naptime will present no problems.
Stretch out the time lag, a little at a time.  He won't remember a series of
instructions, but will be able to handle two commands, such as, "Pick up your
book and put it on the shelf."  Give three commands next time.

     The Question of Preschool

     Another question about early education often bothers parents of toddlers:
Is nursery school or preschool necessary, advisable, or even good for very
young children?  Some parents don't consider it; their children have plenty of
time ahead for school, they say.  Others feel that the social experience is
important for their children and that learning to do such things as form a
line, sit still for a period of time, and pay attention to a teacher gives a
child a good start in regular school.  Working parents often choose the
preschool experience for their children instead of babysitters or ordinary day
care for a variety of reasons, ranging from convenience and expense to the
conviction that the experience is valuable.  Some researchers have said that
it is not until age three that children have the minimum level of
socialization necessary for successful experiences in any kind of school.  It
is at that age that they begin to relate to other children as helpmates in
carrying out such activities as building and destroying, playing, and getting
into mischief.
     In choosing any nursery school or preschool, it is important first to
decide just what it is you want from the facility and what you think will most
benefit your child.  Is it simply the opportunity for socialization with other
children?  Preparation for academic education?  An atmosphere that
concentrates on imaginative and creative activities?  Ask yourself, too, if
your child will be more apt to thrive in a school where the program is very
structured or in one where the children are given some leeway in choosing
their activities.  Your child's personality will be a major factor in your
decision.
     Visit any school alone at least once, so you can talk with staff members
and observe them closely as they interact with the children.  Stay for several
hours, so you can see how the program works.  If the school is a large one,
find out how the children are split up (strictly by age or in groups of all
ages) and into what size groups.  Determine the teacher-child ratio and
question the director or teachers about the school's policies and theories of
discipline.  Ask what is served for snacks or meals.  Watch to see how staff
members handle the inevitable conflicts between children.  Look carefully at
the school's facilities.  Is play equipment safe and in good condition and is
there enough of it for the number of children enrolled?  Are the toys and art
supplies adequate and of the kinds your child likes?
     When you have found the school you think best, take your child to visit.
If you have decided he will definitely be attending, do not ask questions that
give an opportunity to say no; make them open-ended, for example, "What area
of the big playroom do you think you'll like best?" rather than "Do you want
to go there every day?"  Be prepared to be put on a waiting list.  When your
child starts attending, try to keep your home environment very stable.  The
first weeks are not good ones for you to move, start a new job, or make other
big changes in your family life.

Stimulating Your Child's Mind and Curiosity

     In their efforts to supply the best for their children, parents sometimes
buy many toys and learning devices proclaimed by their promoters to aid the
development of a multitude of skills.  But the most creative, colorful, and
expensive of these will be helpful to a child only if her basic needs for
food, warmth, and nurture are being supplied by a loving adult.  The skill
development that toys encourage is only a part of the total picture; children
must develop as total human beings--body, mind, and spirit.  Your child will
sense your values by the quantity and quality of time you devote to her and by
your attitudes toward imaginative play, reading, and music.  Your interaction
with your child is more important than things.
     According to the American Academy of Pediatrics' Committee on the Infant
and Preschool Child, parents may be wasting money if they buy educational toys
with the specific intention of increasing a child's IQ.  Similarly, learning
devices do little to advance social behavior.  Developing a few deep
relationships with people will do more to advance your child's social skills
than will any object you can buy.
     Granted, toys are important.  All play is learning, and your child's toys
are her tools.  The best way to use toys is to be aware of their
limitations--aware that while they may enhance development, they can never
substitute for contact with the parent.  You yourself are your newborn's
first, best, and most amusing learning device--you have an expressive face
with changing expressions and moving eyes; you make sounds your baby likes;
you have ten fascinating fingers to grasp and hold and pull.
     Many of the best toys are homemade; others are household articles in
general daily use.  For example, a child under a year old will love and learn
from dozens of perfectly safe things in your kitchen:  measuring spoons,
nesting plastic bowls or cups, and pans and kettles.  When the baby is mobile,
store some of these entertaining supplies in a lower cupboard where she can
get at them without your help.  For several minutes' amusement any time, put a
new four-inch rubber ball onto the high-chair tray.  Don't throw away any
clean, sturdy box, including cylindrical oatmeal boxes and those that hold the
store-bought toys and that are often more interesting to your baby than their
contents.
     A little later, give your toddler a wooden or plastic bowl, plastic
measuring cups, kitchen utensils such as your flour sifter and colander, and
old magazines to tear up.  Water play is endlessly fascinating, and the best
bathtub toys are often plastic bowls and cups to measure with and pour from.
You'll find that your child of two or three will often enjoy the real things
more than the expensive and often less sturdy "play" ones:  a disconnected
telephone, a padlock, a magnet, a plastic magnifying glass, a flashlight
(securely taped so the child can't unscrew the ends), a plastic lunchbox, and
a box full of dress-up hats and shoes and empty handbags from the back of your
closet or from thrift shops or garage sales.

     Choosing Toys

     Your shopping preferences, your budget, and the amount of time you have
to spend will determine where you buy toys--in exclusive toy stores, gift
shops, or children's shops; from catalogs that come in the mail; in department
stores, supermarkets, drugstores, or discount outlets.  One of your first
considerations may be price. "You get what you pay for" is true of some
things, but it's not necessarily a good guide in buying toys.  You may pay a
high price for a big name or to follow a fad, when something that costs
considerably less would be just as good and would give your child as much
satisfaction.  Or you may buy something that's well made and worth the price,
but that your child will never play with.  One way to look at the real value
of toys is to consider the amount of pleasure they give in comparison to their
cost.  For example, it's worthwhile to pay a substantial price for a teddy
bear that will be dragged around the house and slept with every night for
several years.  But the cute jack-in-the-box that breaks after a few minutes
of play is a bad buy at any price.
     There are other things to consider besides cost.  One is fun; your child
should like the toy you buy.  Every child should have access to certain
classic kinds of toys:  things to build with, things to love and cuddle,
things to work with and operate.  But a child's preferences, which will start
to show up early and continue to grow and change, should also be considered.
One baby will like balls better than another; one will like soft dolls best of
all; one will turn again and again to the mirror fastened inside the crib.  On
the basis of those preferences, you may sometimes buy a fad toy that you
suspect is overpriced, simply because your child wants it and you like it.
     Ask yourself a few questions when you're selecting a toy:  Will you have
to supervise the use of the one you're considering?  If you have to teach your
child to use it, are you willing or able to find the time?  Is the toy so
fragile or so expensive or so noisy that you will curtail your child's use of
it?  Does the toy suit your family's lifestyle (form or city, big house or
small apartment)?  Do you have storage space for the toy?  Does the toy
promote sex stereotyping?
     A very important question is whether the toy is appropriate for your
child's age.  Manufacturers give suggested ages, but you must use your own
judgment, too, and your knowledge of your child's ability to manipulate,
maneuver, and solve problems.  The age range given is often so wide that you
will be tempted to buy a toy too soon.  Remember that you want to challenge
and intrigue your child, not frustrate and anger her.  A toy that requires the
skill and experience of a two-year-old will be wasted on your one-year-old and
will probably never be used at all.
     Above all, toys must be safe.  First, be sure that what you buy is a toy.
Some ornaments and decorations, however colorful and attractive, are not meant
to be used as toys and are not manufactured in accordance with standards for
toys.  Do not assume that every toy you see is safe, however reputable the
store that stocks it.  Every year the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission
(CPSC) directs the recall of many kinds of toys that can't take the "normal
use and abuse" young children are expected to give them.  Watch for notices of
these CPSC recall directions in magazines and newspapers, inspect toys
carefully before you buy them, and check them often as your child plays with
them.
     Your child's toys should be nonflammable, nonbreakable (remember that
brittle plastic may break as easily as glass), and nontoxic, of course.  They
should be washable and should have no sharp edges, no splinters or nails
sticking out, no traps in which small fingers can get caught, no pins or
buttons that can be pulled off.  Infant toys should not be small enough to be
swallowed, and they should not have detachable parts that could find their way
into your baby's windpipe, nose, or ears.  No infant toy should have a cord
longer than twelve inches that could become wrapped around the baby's neck.
If you have older children, it's important to be aware that many of their toys
may be dangerous for a baby or smaller child.
     To list and evaluate every kind of toy available for babies and toddlers
is impossible.  We try here to discuss the classic groups of toys that all
children enjoy.  Many can be homemade, some can be shared by two children
close in age, and some can be passed down from one child to another.  However,
children often become so attached to some things, such as dolls and books,
that they can never let them go.  Some of the toys listed here for babies will
be the start of collections that will be added to with more sophisticated or
complicated items over the years.  Books and musical toys will be discussed in
the next two sections of this chapter.

     Toys for Babies (Birth to Twelve Months)
     Your baby's very first toys should be those that will awaken and sharpen
his senses of sight, hearing, and touch.  Bright colors, melodic and appealing
sounds, and interesting and varied textures are what you look for.  The
youngest infants are fascinated by moving objects and are eager to touch,
hold, and manipulate.  Between three and six months of age, your baby will be
able to grasp objects.  By six months, he will enjoy putting one thing inside
another, banging and hitting objects, exploring them, and opening and closing
doors and drawers.  Do remember that during the first year, and often for some
time after that, babies tend to put everything in their mouths.
     Rattles will probably be your baby's first gifts.  They range from
sterling silver keepsake models to those made of plastic.
     Stuffed animals and soft dolls are also among a baby's first toys, and
they remain favorite gifts for many years.  Your baby's first ones should be
brightly colored, lightweight, and small enough that he can hold and cuddle
them.
     Mobiles, some of which are musical, are excellent for developing your
baby's attention to specific objects and his ability to track things visually.
Attach them to the crib or playpen or hang them from the ceiling.
     Mirrors delight all babies.  Safely constructed of unbreakable, polished
stainless steel, they come in hand-held models to shake and rattle and in
large sizes to attach to the inside of the crib or playpen.
     Balls of every description are among the best toys for babies.  Try to
have some of different textures--soft, rough, fluffy, smooth.  Some are of
cloth, with "grips" for little hands; some are of heavy plastic, weighted, and
embedded with chimes or figures.
     Activity boxes are usually made of plastic and can be mounted on crib or
playpen sides or nailed to the wall.  They usually include a mirror to look
at, wheels and dials to turn, buttons to push, doors to slide open, and
objects to slide along built-in tracks.  Manufacturers often recommend
activity boxes for infants three months and older, but until your baby can sit
up well, chances are a box won't be much fun.

     Toys for Toddlers (Twelve to Twenty-four Months)
     By one year of age, your child's large motor skills are developing
rapidly, and progress in eye-hand coordination is noticeable.  Toddlers are
interested in moving objects, and toys to pull and push, especially those that
make sounds as they move, are often favorites.  Your toddler will also enjoy
opening and closing, putting in and taking out, and playing peek-a-boo.
     Blocks are ideal toys, all-time classics, because they are toys that can
be used in more than one way and that can be adapted for use by children of
different ages.  Blocks for your toddler should be good-sized, with rounded
edges and corners.  Start with just a few made of cloth, foam or foam-filled
vinyl, or molded plastic.  As your child gets older, add to the block
collection, including all the variations on this classic toy that appeal to
you and your child.
     Sorting toys help your child learn colors and develop manual dexterity.
The most popular of these consist of four or more colorful rings in varying
sizes that stack on a cone set into a solid or rocking base.  The ones in
which the rings will fit on the cone only in decreasing order of size are best
saved for older toddlers.
     Shape-recognition toys are suitable for toddlers closer to two than one.
They are composed of bright wooden or plastic cubes or other geometric shapes
that the child drops through matching holes into a box or other holder.  These
toys will help your child develop eye-hand coordination, matching skills, and
shape recognition.  They provide challenging learning activities, but if too
many pieces are involved, a child may become frustrated.
     Riding toys are for children who can walk by themselves.  A child should
be able to climb on and off without difficulty and should be able to maneuver
the toy capably.  Look for sturdiness, ease of movement, and secure seating.
Your child's first riding toy won't have pedals, and it may come in molded
plastic or wood in the shape of a horse or other animal, a wagon, or a car or
truck.
     Push/pull toys will be among your child's favorites when he can walk
independently because of their movement and noise-making characteristics.  Be
sure the handles are covered with large safety balls.  Your child can load
wagons or trucks with other toys, and some come equipped with block sets.
More elaborate push/pull toys for older toddlers are called action toys.
Favorites are such things as school buses and airplanes outfitted with small
wooden passengers that fit into color-coded seats.  Younger toddlers will need
to be supervised--or you may want to keep small "people" put away until your
child is beyond the mouthing stage.
     Pounding toys are benches with pegs or balls to pound through holes.
Some are large enough that your child will be able to sit on them as he
develops eye-hand coordination and both gross and fine motor skills.  Wooden
hammers present safety hazards for a child whose pounding action is still
uncoordinated, and they can be dangerous when two or more children are
present, so this is not a toy you want to buy too early unless you're willing
to supervise its use.
     Dolls are a good example of toys that have moved out of the era of sex
stereotyping as the needs of boys, as well as girls, to cuddle and love have
been recognized.  Boy and girl dressing dolls are outfitted in special clothes
that offer practice in the skills of zipping, buttoning, snapping, and tying.

     Toys for Children From Two to Three Years
     Your child's imaginative play skills are beginning to develop at this
age, and you may often hear him talking with a toy or with an imaginary
companion.  Using adult-like tools and appliances to imitate grown-ups will be
appealing; the more realistic the toy, the more apt it is to stimulate the
creative play skills developing at this stage.
     Other favorites will be large-size riding toys with pedals, and toys and
equipment that call for throwing, jumping, climbing, and running actions,
which strengthen the large muscles.  Your child will be able to concentrate on
a quiet task and will find the small-muscle activities required in painting,
doing puzzles, and using interlocking block sets enjoyable because of his
increasingly improved eye-hand coordination.
     Talking toys and dolls have a great appeal for children from two to three
and over.  Talking boxes describe a picture to which a pointer is directed,
and talking dolls repeat short, clever phrases.  The strings on most talking
toys must be pulled out all the way if a child is to hear the entire message,
but most children don't seem to mind if they don't get it all.  When buying a
talking toy, it is important to make sure the phrases are distinctly spoken
and clearly enunciated.
     Trucks are especially good for outdoor play in sand.  Those that have
movable parts, such as dump trucks, fire trucks, and cement mixers, are
favorites.  Be sure that metal trucks do not have sharp edges and that they
are rustproof.  They should be easy to operate, so your child won't become
frustrated.  Check trucks for stability, easy maneuverability, and securely
attached wheels.
     Trains may be of the push or the wind-up variety.  Some trains that can
be independently operated by a child must first have tracks assembled by an
adult.  A child should be able to easily place the train's cars on the track.
In wind-up models, the winding mechanism must be easy to operate, and the
train must move smoothly along the track without getting stuck.
     Kitchen equipment is favored by both boys and girls.  Durability is an
important feature, and compactness may be a consideration for storage.  Some
appliances come separately; some are attached in models that include stove,
sink, and refrigerator, all with intriguing details.  The most expensive
separate appliances are of molded plastic and very realistic, with doors that
open and knobs that turn and click.  Accessories may be included.  At least
some assembly by adults is required on most sets and single appliances.
     Realistic tools and toys help children imitate adults.  In selecting
tools, which range from play drills and saws to complete tool chests, look for
safety, durability, and manageability.  Some tools can be made to "run" by
pulling a cord and pushing a starter button, and some make realistic vibrating
noises.  Check stability and maneuverability in toys like baby strollers,
shopping baskets, and wheelbarrows.  Metal toys should be rustproof, and
wheels should roll easily.  Among other popular realistic toys are telephones,
both talking and nontalking.  Talking phones are battery-operated, and some
have viewing screens on which characters are seen as they speak.  Dashboards,
reminiscent of the activity boxes babies love, are also popular.  They may
include such features as steering wheels with horns, clocks, windshield
wipers, ignition keys, rearview mirrors, glove compartments, gear selectors,
and speedometers.
     Puzzles strengthen and enhance a child's eye-hand coordination, matching
skills, and shape recognition.  Be careful to match the intricacy of a puzzle
with a child's development; a puzzle with too many pieces frustrates a child
and discourages future attempts.  Good first puzzles are sturdy, of plastic or
wood, and have only a very few large pieces, sometimes with small plastic
knobs attached to each.
     Play scenes provide children with opportunities to use their
imaginations.  Available in addition to regular dollhouses are such settings
as garages, farms, and nursery schools.  Accessories include family figures,
cars, furniture, animals, and play equipment.  The more familiar a child is
with a particular setting, the more appealing it is.  Play scenes should be
easy to assemble, provide storage for their own individual pieces and have
moving features.  The structure should be sturdy, and the number of pieces
should not overwhelm the child.
     Quiet-play toys encourage children close to three to concentrate as they
develop motor and manipulatory skills.  Children of this age can understand
and enjoy simple games and can use fairly complicated realistic toys.  Some
toys for this age group help children understand money, tell time, or count.
They should be challenging enough to maintain interest, but not so difficult
as to be frustrating.  If a toy seems beyond your child's capability, put it
away for a while and try it again later.  Some quiet-play toys are
interlocking blocks, play boards with adherent plastic or felt pieces,
cameras, realistic household toys, puzzles, play scenes, and simple games that
can be played alone.  Now is the time for a variety of art materials, too:
washable colored markers, crayons, paper, and finger paints.  Artwork will
require your supervision at first, but it is an important and necessary part
of your child's development.  Art fosters imagination and encourages
creativity.

Reading to Your Child

     Besides providing hours of enjoyment and a storehouse of knowledge and
memories that will last a lifetime, reading will help your child develop four
basic thinking skills:  the ability to pay attention, a good memory,
capability in problem solving, and proficiency in language.  The single best
way you can encourage your child to love books and reading is to read aloud to
her.  You can't start too early; you can't continue too long.  Reading experts
recommend that you start reading to your child at birth and continue into the
teenage years, perhaps in family sessions.  Your infant will not understand
the words you read, and indeed, you need not even read children's stories.  A
parenting book, the daily newspaper, or a new novel will be equally enchanting
to your baby, who loves the sound of your voice and the concentration of your
attention.  If you love poetry, read it to your infant and continue to read it
as the child grows.  Many children love the rhythm and cadence of adult poetry
long before they can understand it.
     A half hour a day is a reasonable amount of time to spend reading to your
child, probably divided into a few short sessions for a small child.  Any time
of day is good for reading.  Most parents like to make it part of the bedtime
ritual; it's a way to help a child relax and get ready for sleep.  Morning, at
the breakfast table, is another favorite time for many parents and children.
The main thing is to take the time for reading and to skip a day for only the
most important of reasons.

     Choosing Books

     There are thousands of children's books on the market.  Many of the best
children's books have been around for years.  With so many books on the
market, it makes sense that only the best ones survive over time.  One way to
sort through them is to ask your local children's librarian for suggestions
and get the name of the local retailer who has the best selection of
children's books.  If you're fortunate enough to have access to a university
library that has a noncirculating children's collection, you'll be able to
read the latest and most popular children's books before you buy them.  Though
your local library will have these, they will often be circulating and
unavailable.
     Your child's first books should be short, simple picture books, brightly
illustrated.  They should be small enough for a baby to handle, and toughly
constructed of cloth or cardboard, because they will be chewed and pulled
apart and thrown.  Your child will be two or over before she begins to take
care of books; until then they will be treated as toys, so you may want to buy
inexpensive editions of most.  Be sure the books you buy for even the youngest
child are well written, not artificial sounding, and well illustrated.
Otherwise, they will bore you, and your child will catch your feeling.
     It will be at the age of about two years that your child begins really to
appreciate books.  Besides beginning to take good care of them, she will have
figured out how they "work"--from front to back, from left to right--and will
have learned to turn the pages one at a time.  Your toddler will have
memorized some stories and nursery rhymes, and will be able to recite
surprisingly long sections or whole verses and to "read" along with you.  You
will be required to read the same book over and over and over, and you will be
caught if you don't do it justice every time or if you skip a word or change a
name.  Comfort yourself with the knowledge that you are fulfilling a necessary
function in your child's development:  experts say that repetition is a
stimulator of interest and important to the process whereby brain cells make
connections.
     Between the ages of two and three, stories that involve some kind of
confrontation are popular, such as "The Three Billy Goats Gruff."  At this
age, children also like stories about holidays and seasons because this helps
them understand family traditions.
     One way to stimulate your child's interest in reading and to supplement
the reading material you have on hand is to tell her your own stories.  A
story can be as long or as short as the time you have to tell it in, and it
can be especially tailored to your child.  It can be about a toy or the family
pet, a picnic or a walk in the woods, a little boy or girl just like yours
with a parent just like you.  Whatever the topic, make your story lively; have
something happen right in the beginning, and keep things moving.  Don't be
afraid to use some words your child doesn't understand because hearing new
words is the way vocabularies are expanded.  It's fine to have your main
character struggle against fierce odds, but be sure to give your story a happy
ending.  Fairness must prevail; the good must win, and the bad must lose.

     Books From the Library

     Your child will probably own ten or more books of his own by age two, and
it is at about this time that you will need to begin supplementing the supply
with books from the library.  At first you may find it easiest and best to
visit the library alone, since you'll be able to take your time in selecting
the books that best suit your child's interests and level of understanding.
But sometimes take your child with you; the weekly or biweekly library habit
is one you want to start early and encourage forever.  You'll want to continue
to choose some of the books you'll be reading, but let your child pick some
out, too, even if they don't seem appropriate to you.
     Unfortunately, not all libraries allow children under school age to have
library cards; if yours does, help your child sign up for his own--having
one's own library card is a sure sign of growing up.  Check into other
privileges and services the children's department of your library offers.  At
toddler "story periods" of a half hour or so, to which a parent accompanies
each child, librarians sometimes read very short stories and lead the children
in finger plays and action singing games.  Regular story hours and other
programs are often available for children of two and a half or three.

     Selecting the "Best" Books for Your Child

     You'll want your child to be exposed to a variety of books, but you will
notice before long that she is developing definite preferences.  One child
likes exciting stories with true-to-life characters, another loves anything
silly, and still another prefers fantasy.  Of course, tastes change, as a
child is exposed to different kinds of books and to different experiences in
daily life.  For example, your three-year-old, who understands perfectly the
difference between being naughty and behaving well, will enjoy books about
mischievous children for a while.  If you're expecting a new baby, your
toddler or preschooler will want to see a lot of books about how babies are
born and what it's like to have a little brother or sister.
     Your librarian and the clerks in bookstores will lead you to the books
all children should know.  Some will be brand-new, some relatively new, and
some so old that your own parents knew them as children.  Among the latter,
and probably some of your own favorites, will be the classic fairy
tales--beautifully illustrated stories about unforgettable characters like the
wicked witch who tries to cook the children and the dragons that threatened
the castle.  Some parents feel fairy tales are too violent for children at any
age, but librarians and reading experts recommend them for children six or
over who can understand the difference between reality and fantasy.
     No periodicals especially for children three and under are available, but
the adult magazines and catalogs that come into your home will be interesting.
Look through them with your child, pointing out pictures of babies,
grandparents, animals, foods, and toys.  With those pictures, you can make up
scrapbooks that your child will cherish, and when the child is about three,
she can help you with the cutting and pasting.

     Reading "Don'ts"

  -  Don't continue to read a book once it is obvious your child doesn't like
     it.
  -  Don't use reading as a reward or punishment.  It should be something
     that's done every day, whether your child has been an angel or something
     less.
  -  Don't start reading a long book when you know you won't have time to do
     it justice.  Every book deserves to be given a good reading, and children
     aren't ready for continued stories until they are four or five.
  -  Don't feel your child must sit quietly beside you or in your lap while
     you read.  An active child may be able to listen better while she colors
     or strings beads.

The World of Music

     Early development specialists believe that the youngest of babies should
be exposed to music, and not only lullabies and children's songs.  It has been
well established that fetuses can hear, and some have said that infants have
shown definite signs of recognizing music that their mothers heard before
giving birth.  A French obstetrician, interested in knowing just what an
unborn baby hears, inserted a hydrophone (an instrument for listening to sound
transmitted through water) into the uterus of a woman about to give birth and
tape-recorded the sounds.  Besides the mother's heartbeat and the whooshing
sounds of the womb, the voices of the mother and her doctor and the strains of
a Beethoven symphony were clearly heard in the background.
     As children exposed to books can be counted upon to grow up loving
reading, those exposed to music will almost surely appreciate it all their
lives.  Many of your infant's favorite toys will probably be musical, and he
will enjoy whatever music you listen to on the radio or stereo, the music you
play yourself on any instrument, and the humming, whistling, and singing with
which you accompany your work.
     At about one year, your baby will try to accompany the music you provide
by clapping his hands and bouncing to the beat.  By two, he will enjoy going
to outdoor concerts with you.  Provide short pieces of music that your child
will listen to from start to finish sometimes.  Use soothing chamber music at
night to induce sleep and patriotic songs and marches to get the morning
routine under way.  Try folk songs and some of the music of other cultures.
Try to give your child the best of whatever kind of music you select by
shopping carefully.
     Unfortunately, many of the best records are rarely available at local
record and department stores.  If your favorite stores do not stock a good
selection of children's records, you may be able to borrow them from your
library.  Also, there are a number of mail-order catalog companies that carry
children's records, including the following:

  -  Better Books Company
     P. 0. Box 9770
     Fort Worth, TX 76107-0770
     (books, cassette read-alongs, video)
  -  Listening Library
     P. 0. Box L
     Old Greenwich, CT 06870
     (cassettes, LPs, and films, many with manuals)
  -  Clarus Music, Ltd.
     340 Bellevue Avenue
     Yonkers, NY 10703
     (records, cassettes, preschool materials)
  -  Children's Book & Music Center
     2500 Santa Monica Boulevard
     Santa Monica, CA 90404
     (educational materials, LPs, cassettes, videos, rhythm instruments)

     Toddlers enjoy folk songs, music from other cultures, records that call
for activities like exercises and play-acting, and stories read aloud.  Some
records come with accompanying storybooks.
     Children enjoy nothing more than making their own music, especially if it
involves making up a band and parading around the house or the yard with
another child or two.  You can buy toys that make sounds, such as a toy piano
or a children's guitar, but simple, real instruments are better.  Some very
suitable for toddlers are bongo drums and tom-toms, marimbas, cymbals,
triangles, bells, and tambourines.

Creative Play

     Your child is being creative when she shakes a tambourine or bangs a drum
to the beat of the dishwasher or makes something where nothing was before--a
drawing, a finger painting, a clay animal.  Creative imagination is also at
work when she puts on your old shoes and plays house, insists that you set a
place for an imaginary friend at the dinner table, tells you a tall tale about
how the milk really got spilled, or begs you to get rid of the monsters that
inhabit the bedroom closet.
     Nurturing your child's creative abilities involves a bit of a paradox.
You need to let go a little, to back off and leave artistic and inventive
decisions up to her.  However, you can trigger imagination by asking
thought-provoking questions concerning the whys, hows, and whats of things.
It's very important that you be available to provide reassurance when things
don't go right and praise for trying, as well as for completion.
     Some concrete help is required.  For example, it's your job to offer your
child experiences from which to take off in creative ventures.  Without having
seen and heard and participated in many of the wonders of the world, she does
not have a base upon which to build or play.  Offering these experiences does
not mean a tour of Europe; it means, for example, long and careful looks at
everyday things and places and people, picnics in the park, and visits to
woods and streams.
     Sometimes actual instruction is called for.  You will need to teach your
child how to use the art materials you supply; your suggestions will be
helpful in first efforts at drawing and painting, and your supervision will
definitely be required in many situations.  Art supplies are fun to buy, and
you may be surprised at the number of them that even a baby can handle and
enjoy.  Before the age of one, your child will love to scribble on a big piece
of paper with a fat graphite pencil.  He can move up soon to colored pencils,
jumbo crayons, chalk, and, by age two, water-based felt-tip pens.
     When your child is ready to paint, probably at about two, think first of
protection--one of your old shirts to cover the child and newspaper sheets or
a special mat to cover the floor.  A two-year-old can help you make finger
paint a few times, then do it alone.  Mix a quarter cup of liquid laundry
starch with two drops of food coloring or one teaspoon of tempera paint
powder.  For easel painting, poster paints are the smoothest flowing and most
satisfying for a small child.
     Paper for drawing and painting can become expensive in the quantities
some eager artists require.  Consider using the closely printed want-ad pages
of the newspaper, plain newsprint (which you may be able to buy from the
newspaper office or art supply store in a roll), shelf paper, and the white
insides of cut-open disposable-diaper boxes.  Beginning painters sometimes do
better with pastry brushes or trim-painting brushes from a paint store; they
hold more paint and are easy to handle.
     From the age of two, your child will love to pound, roll, and flatten
whatever kind of clay you supply, as her sense of touch develops.  The most
practical first clay is a plasticized variety you can buy or a flour or baking
soda and cornstarch clay you make yourself.

     Flour Clay

     4 cups flour
     1 1/2 cups salt
     2 cups water
     food coloring

     Add water slowly.  Knead ten minutes (coat your hands with vegetable oil
     to protect them from the salt).  Separate into batches and add food
     coloring to each batch.  Refrigerate in airtight containers between uses.
     Oil your children's hands every time they use the clay.  When dried for
     twenty-four hours, flour clay sculptures can be painted.

     Baking Soda and Cornstarch Clay

     2 cups baking soda
     1 cup cornstarch
     1 1/4 cups cold water
     food coloring

     Add water slowly.  Cook six minutes (medium heat, stirring constantly).
     Spread on a cookie sheet to cool, covering with a damp cloth to keep clay
     moist.  Knead ten minutes.  Divide into small batches and add food
     coloring.  Store in airtight containers.

     Coloring books
     Should you let your child use coloring books, or will they discourage
creativity?  They're fine, say educators, as long as you supply plain, blank
paper too and don't insist that your child stay inside the lines.  They say
coloring books help a child develop dexterity with crayons and offer a chance
to explore color and color combinations.  With a coloring book, a child can
turn out a creditable picture, perhaps on a day when she hasn't the energy to
start from scratch.

Imagination at Work

     You'll see your child's first attempts at make-believe before he can
walk, when the two of you play peek-a-boo with a handkerchief.  At six months,
your baby will pretend to groom his head, bald or not, with a hairbrush.  Your
early walker will imitate your floor sweeping with a push-toy, if there's no
little broom handy.  Your child will amaze you with his inventiveness about
finding props--a receiving blanket will be a swirling cape for dancing or a
knapsack for carrying supplies to a hiding place blocked off with a pile of
books under the dining room table.  You can contribute props, too, including
such castors as hats and shoes and other dress-up clothes, costume jewelry,
and a briefcase or small suitcase.  You'll learn not to discard big cardboard
boxes, the cores from rolls of toilet tissue or paper towels, the plastic eggs
panty hose come in, or almost anything else that is clean and whole.
     Sometimes your child will bring his dolls, stuffed animals, and puppets
into imaginative play.  Long conversations may take place as your child
reenacts interesting or worrisome situations.  You will see and hear versions
of punishments and scoldings that you will recognize as having originated with
you.
     Other times these dramas may include an imaginary playmate who comes and
goes or who is with your child day and night.  Only children are more apt than
others to have these imaginary friends, but many later siblings have them,
too.  The friend may cause you some annoyance when your child insists upon a
good-night kiss or a seat at the table for him or her, but there are
advantages, too.  The most important is companionship, whenever and wherever
your child wants it.

The Proper Role of Television

     Television, some say, is responsible for a new and different kind of
American child:  a little "addict" who is pale, listless, apathetic, and
lacking in appetite, whose fate is to become a passive adult who has serious
gaps in language, reading, and communication skills.  These critics believe
that TV is all bad, that it destroys family life and discourages reading and
conversation.  Some go so far as to banish television from their lives
altogether, in an effort to pretend that it does not exist.  And in homes
where the set is on from early morning until late at night, where children are
allowed to watch television for hours and hours every day, it is bad.  At its
worst, it is used as a pacifier, a convenient, round-the-clock babysitter that
never needs to be paid.
     Many parents are convinced, however, that at its best, television is
superb in its capabilities as both entertainer and educator.  They believe
that TV is so much a part of society today that children should start early to
learn to use it wisely and get the most out of it.  Five hours a week is
suggested by some of these parents as a reasonable amount of time for a child
of two or three to watch television.  Before that age, your child will
probably watch only fleetingly, if at all, noticing only movement and color
and not following a plot.  As well as controlling the hours of viewing, you
should select age-appropriate offerings on public, network, and local
television, choosing topics to which you want your child exposed.
     Rather than using TV as a babysitter, watch at least some programs with
your child.  Watching together can be a little like reading a story.  As you
cuddle in a big chair, you can point out things about the action or characters
that you want her to notice, as you would if you were reading a story.  When a
program is over, you can talk about it with your child, answering questions
and asking some of your own about her perceptions of the action.
     Two of the main criticisms of television for children concern violence
and advertising.  Statistics tell us that by the time she graduates from high
school, the average American child has watched 350,000 commercials and has
seen eighteen thousand murders on television.  For toddlers and preschoolers,
the Saturday morning cartoon programs are probably the worst offenders.  One
study has shown that some eighteen violent acts occur during a given hour on
these programs; another, that only about three percent of the characters
injured in outlandish and unrealistic accidents ever require any kind of
treatment.  Physical and verbal aggressiveness have been found to increase
noticeably among three- and four-year-olds who consistently watch the
cartoons; it seems that the more they watch, the more accepting they become of
aggressive behavior.
     In the area of advertising, the plain fact is that the foods advertised
most during children's programming are among the least nutritional--heavily
sweetened cereals, candy, and chewing gum--and sometimes the most costly.  Ads
for toys are accused of warping children's values and suggesting that all
children need and must have certain objects.  Recent programs have featured
stories with characters drawn directly from toys, so that, as some say,
children cannot possibly distinguish the ads from the program itself.
     Parents of small children can control the least desirable aspects of
television to a high degree simply by not allowing viewing of the programs
they dislike.  "No" can and should be used; parents have the right, and the
duty, to pass on their values.  They can also join forces with groups that put
pressure on advertisers and children's programmers and that lobby for the
passage of suitable regulatory laws.  For several years, one such group,
Action for Children's Television (ACT) has worked to decommercialize and
improve the quality of television, with considerable success in some areas.
To join, or for more information, write ACT at 20 University Road, Cambridge,
MA 02138.

Exploring the Natural World

     Your baby's first really good look at the wonders of nature will probably
be taken from the seat of the stroller.  There's a lot to be seen, heard, and
smelled from that vantage point, but children need to touch, prod, poke, and
fondle, too.  The best way for that investigating to be carried on is from
ground level, during walks, which you can start taking as soon as your baby
can walk reasonably well.  Your first excursions may be in your own backyard,
where there's a great deal to be explored with the help of an attentive
parent, but soon you'll want to go farther afield.  At the changing of the
seasons, if not more often, try to take walks in "real" woods where there is a
stream, where things you don't see in your neighborhood grow and live, and
where there are few, if any, people around.
     When you're going to take the baby for a ride in the stroller, you can
decide just where you'll go and how long you'll be gone, but walks are
different.  You can't set time or distance goals, because your toddler won't
necessarily keep to the straight path you choose and will alternate bumbling
along at a good clip with stopping completely.  Every leaf and twig will need
inspection, every insect and every object on the ground, appropriate or not.
Everything in the world is new and interesting and needs minute inspection.
You'll ruin the whole experience if you try to set a steady pace and
"accomplish" anything at all.
     Take along a few simple supplies on your nature walks:  a small pail for
pebbles and other finds, a magnifying glass to examine the ground and
everything in or on it in detail, a jar with a lid for a bug or a worm, and
perhaps even a pair of garden clippers, if you'll be where a blossom or a
branch may be taken.  The items your child brings home from a walk will be
very important to her, at least for a little while, and some may be the
beginning of collections that will have lifetime interest.  When you get home
from any woodsy place, bathe your child, in case he or she has managed to get
into poison ivy or poison oak.  It is best to launder clothes, too.
     The toddler who lives in a climate where all four seasons can be
experienced outdoors is fortunate, for each has its special attractions.
Summer can be enjoyed anywhere, and two of its most enjoyable aspects are
water and sand.  A small plastic swimming pool with about six inches of
lukewarm water in it or a backyard sandbox with a supply of sand, plus an
assortment of unbreakable cups, bowls, and utensils for pouring and measuring,
will keep the most restless toddler occupied for long periods of time.  For
safety's sake, a child in any amount of water must, of course, be closely
supervised.  Since a portable pool must be emptied every time it's used, a
small one is easier.  For a very small child, a plastic bathtub is suitable.
And for your own convenience, use fairly coarse sand in the sandbox; the
beautiful and more expensive white sand is very difficult to brush off damp
skin.  Sunburn is a real danger for delicate skin; put a hat on your child,
and use a sunscreen containing para-aminobenzoic acid (PABA).
     Fluffy new snow is as attractive to a toddler as a pool of water.  Show
your child how to make angels in the snow and roll up snowballs big enough to
make snowmen, then give a little science lesson.  Pour very little water in
a flat pan outdoors on a cold day and watch it freeze.  Continue to add just a
little more and see it freeze, layer by layer.  Let your child prove that each
snowflake is different from every other by examining flakes with a magnifying
glass.  Melt some snow to see how little water it makes and how dirty that
water is.  Your toddler probably won't be out so long that you have to worry
about frostbite, but you can prevent chapped lips and cheeks by applying a
coat of petroleum jelly.  If it's too cold to go out at all, bring a big pan
full of snow inside and let your child stand at the sink on a sturdy chair to
play in it.
     Most children like to watch things grow if they grow quickly.  You can
almost see a tablespoon of birdseed sprout on a wet sponge in a dish.  Mung
beans will begin to sprout in forty-eight hours in a screw-top jar of water,
and they'll be edible in a week.  If you roll up a dampened paper towel or
piece of blotting paper inside a glass jar and put a lima bean between the
paper and the jar, your child will be able to see roots reaching down and.
shoots growing up.  When your child has developed a little more patience, let
her watch the top of a carrot grow in a dish of water or a grapefruit seed
grow in a paper cup filled with potting soil.
     Living creatures of all kinds are endlessly attractive to children.  When
yours can understand that some pets aren't meant to be cuddled and that none
can be eaten, you may wish to try some pets other than dogs or cats--fish,
gerbils, or birds from a pet shop, for example; an ant farm that you can order
through the mail; earthworms, hermit crabs, or even crickets from outdoors.
The best thing about those you bring in from the yard or garden is that they
can be returned to their natural environments when your child tires of them.
     Always supervise your child's investigations of animals; undomesticated
creatures could hurt your child--and your child could harm them!  Teach your
child that she is a part of--not master of--her environment.  Show her how to
smell, feel, look, and listen to the world around her.  Teach her to respect
living organisms, plant and animal, and to never destroy them intentionally
(don't stomp on the flowers, never pull the wings off insects, don't pull the
kitten's tail).  Some accidents will happen--but explain that, in general, one
should try to be gentle and careful.

Language Development

     Language means a great deal more than talking.  From the day your baby is
born, you and he will communicate, carrying on "conversations" through eye
contact, smiles, and body language.  Your baby will react to your voice and
the sound of your heartbeat.  His primary tool of communication will be
crying.  By the age of two months, your baby will probably have developed
different cries to indicate hunger, pain, fatigue, and discomfort.
     Your baby's earliest noncrying speech sounds will be the throaty noises
that come with increased production of saliva--the gurgling, sputtering,
cooing, and squealing that begin at about three months.  Soon he will begin to
string together and repeat consonant and vowel combinations, like "ba-ba-ba."
Be aware that it's a rare baby who follows any timetable for developing
talking skills; children vary in this as in any other area of development.  It
may be at any time between six months and a year that your baby will be
calling one or two very important people by name (most likely, "Mama" and
"Dada").  In fact, an early talker will likely know and use as many as a dozen
words at one year old.  They'll probably all be nouns, his versions of the
words for such familiar objects as cookie, juice, dog, and cup.
     You'll know your child really is anxious to talk as adults do when you
begin to hear continuous jargon, strings of meaningless gibberish, complete
with inflections that make them sound like a stream of talk in a foreign
language.  This kind of talk may go on for a long time after your child is
able to make himself very well understood with real words, usually when he is
playing alone.  Between the ages of one and two years, your child will
probably have a vocabulary of about fifty words (you can plan on one of them
being "no") and will enjoy singing along with you to familiar and repetitive
songs.  Don't be surprised if your child seems to hit a plateau in speech
development when he learns to walk; it's difficult to work hard on two skills
at once.  Children usually begin to string nouns and verbs together to make
sentences of two or more words sometime between the ages of two and two and a
half years, and an early talker may even add a preposition ("under the
table") or an adjective ("big dog").  By the time your child is three, he may
have a vocabulary of as many as three hundred words.  You'll perhaps notice
that the frequency of temper tantrums and periods of frustration decreases as
your child finds the words to express anger and desires.

     Encouraging Your Child to Talk

     Encourage your child to talk all the time you're together, as you go
about your daily activities.  A few ways in which you may wish to consciously
aid language development are these:

  -  Speak directly to your baby often, giving total attention to her.  Get
     down to your child's level physically, and look her in the eye.
  -  Speak slowly and distinctly, using all the words that apply to what you
     are doing with and for the baby--parts of the body, pieces of clothing,
     kinds of food, favorite toys.  Use the same words for things every time
     when your child is under two; call all footgear shoes for example, not
     sandals or sneakers.
  -  Keep explanations and directions simple.  By about fifteen months, your
     child will be able to do what you ask if you say something like "Bring me
     a diaper."  You'll cause confusion if you use a long sentence that begins
     with "Run into the bedroom, will you, and...."
  -  Use picture books to help your child develop word-object associations,
     pointing out familiar objects often and asking her to find the dog, the
     baby, or the house in pictures.  Play word games, teach your child
     finger plays, and sing action songs.
  -  Give your child your attention when she speaks to you.  Wait patiently
     for her to get out the right words to finish a thought instead of
     finishing it yourself or giving what's asked for before the words are
     out.
  -  Be equally patient in answering your child's questions, however endless
     they seem to be.  Practice expanding a bit on a question by giving
     additional information.  For example, if your child asks "What's that?"
     about a squirrel, add to your answer the fact that the animal is in the
     tree because it's looking for acorns to eat.
  -  Discourage baby talk and incorrect grammar, not by correcting your child,
     which is discouraging and will make her hesitant about talking at all,
     but by repeating the words or the sentence correctly.

     Speech Problems and Stuttering

     There are many reasons why your child may talk a little later, or even
much later, than other children her age.  Few of them are serious, and most
kids eventually catch up.  For one thing, most girls talk earlier than most
boys.  A child's environment can affect the development of speech, too.  If
your family is not one in which a great deal of talking takes place, your
child will probably be a late talker, and will probably talk less than some
other children.  If she spends days in a day care center or nursery school
where one care-giver is responsible for several children, development of
speech may be slowed.  Competition for individual attention at home may be
responsible for late talking, also.  For example, if you have two children
very close in age, or twins, you will not be able to devote a great deal of
individual time to each.  The "private language" that twins sometimes develop
is more often the result of lack of one-on-one time with a parent than a
desire to talk only to each other.
     Other factors that affect speech development are a child's intelligence,
hearing, and control of the muscles involved in speaking.  Speech may be
delayed or impaired if the speech centers in the brain are not normal, or if
there is any abnormality of the larynx, throat, nose, tongue, or lips.  Speech
that does not develop normally may also be due to partial or complete
deafness, mental retardation, brain damage, or malfunction of the speech
centers in the brain.
     Children between two and five years of age often lack fluency in speech
and may stutter and stammer sometimes when they can't find words to express
themselves.  There may be involuntary pauses or blocks in speaking and rapid
repetition of syllables or initial sounds of a word.  These problems can be
temporary, occurring only occasionally when a child is excited, impatient, or
embarrassed, or they may be chronic, due to muscle spasms or underlying mental
or emotional conflicts that may need to be resolved before speech is likely to
improve.
     Stuttering in children from two to five can be disregarded unless it is
still a problem several months after its onset.  The child may not even be
aware of it unless it is pointed out to him.  To help a child who stutters, do
not show anger or impatience by refusing to understand, finishing the child's
thought, or trying to force him to speak slowly and more clearly.  Ignore the
stuttering yourself, and don't allow siblings or other children to tease or
laugh at the child.  Read, sing, and speak to your child as much as you can.
     Consult your doctor if your child speaks only in a monotone or with a
marked nasal quality, if his vocabulary and ability to pronounce words seem to
be diminishing instead of improving, or if stuttering is severe, constant, or
prolonged.  In addition to testing the child's hearing, the doctor will
perform a physical examination, checking the child's throat, palate, and
tongue.  If your child is under five, you may be referred to a speech
pathologist for evaluation and treatment if the stuttering is considered to be
a severe problem, if the child seems to be extremely frustrated in his efforts
to speak clearly, or if you yourself need assistance in handling your child's
speech development.  If your child continues to substitute sounds (th for s,
for example) or stutters after the age of five or six, the doctor may suggest
a consultation and possibly treatment by a speech pathologist.

     Ear Infections and Deafness

     Deafness, or impaired hearing, is a partial or complete loss of the sense
of hearing in one or both ears.  A child may be born with a hearing loss, or
it may develop at any age.  Since children learn to speak by imitation, one
who can't hear speech can't produce it.
     Normal hearing occurs when sound waves pass down the ear canal and cause
the eardrum to vibrate.  Vibrations of the eardrum in turn move the three tiny
bones in the middle ear.  This motion of the bones transmits the vibrations
across the middle ear to the inner ear, where they are changed to electrical
impulses that are carried to the brain through the eighth cranial nerve.  The
brain interprets these electrical impulses as sound.  Damage, disease, or
malfunction of any of these structures can result in deafness.  Any of the
following problems may lead to hearing difficulties, which are likely to lead
to learning difficulties.
     Ear canal problems that may cause hearing loss include a buildup of
earwax, a foreign object in the canal, and an infection known as "swimmer's
ear."
     Eardrum and middle ear problems may be caused by an inflammation of the
middle ear or a blockage in the eustachian tube, which connects the throat and
the middle ear.  Middle ear infection (otitis media) occurs most commonly in
the first two years of life, especially among children who receive frequent
exposure to it in day care centers.  The infection often involves a fluid
buildup that causes mild to moderate, intermittent hearing loss for as long as
nine months, threatening proper development of language skills.  Inner ear
problems may be caused by injuries or infections.
     Eighth cranial nerve problems have several possible causes.  (This nerve
is responsible for carrying all signals from the ears and balance structures
to the brain.)  A child may be born with a nerve that has not developed
properly or that was damaged before birth.  For example, if a pregnant woman
has rubella (German measles), the virus may infect the eighth cranial nerve in
her unborn child.  After birth, this nerve can be damaged by an injury or an
infection by a virus (mumps or measles) or a bacterium (meningitis).  This
nerve can also be affected by certain medications.
     Signs of a child's hearing loss are often first detected by the parents.
You can suspect a hearing loss if any of the following behavior occurs:  an
infant over three months old ignores sounds or does not turn her head toward
sound; a baby over one year old does not speak at least a few words; a child
over two does not speak in at least two- or three-word sentences; or a child
simply does not seem to hear well.  Any of these symptoms may be caused by a
hearing loss, but they also may have other causes.  If you think your child
may have a hearing problem, see your doctor.  He or she may refer you to a
center that specializes in speech and hearing.  A child with impaired hearing
should start special education as soon as the condition is discovered, even if
she is as young as one year old.
     You may be able to prevent hearing problems for your child by taking
proper precautions.  Never put any object, including cotton swabs, into your
child's ear canal for any reason; you may force earwax to become packed into
the canal, or you may damage the eardrum.  See that your child has the
recommended immunizations against measles and mumps, the side effects of which
can cause deafness.  If you are a woman of childbearing age, consult your
doctor about rubella immunization for yourself.

Answering Your Child's Difficult Questions

     Over the years, you will give your child a great deal of information in
answer to his questions about things both trivial and serious.  Some of your
answers will be very brief, just "yes" or "no"; others will be longer.  A
great many will begin with the word "because."  Some will consist of facts,
plain and simple, and others will express emotions, values, or philosophy.
Your answers will all have something in common, though, whether they concern
why the sky is blue, where babies come from, or how a beloved grandparent can
pass from life to death.  With the first "why" question you answer, you will
establish your own unique style of giving information, and your child will
know from then on what to expect from you.
     To foster your child's trust in you and his confidence that the answers
you give are reasonable and valid, consider following these guidelines:

  -  Be willing to answer questions when your child asks them.  If the timing
     is very inconvenient, promise that you'll talk later, then bring up the
     subject yourself as soon as you can.
  -  Take your child's questions seriously; even those that seem frivolous or
     unimportant to you are worth your attention.  Answer them candidly and
     matter-of-factly, avoiding sentimentality.
  -  Don't lie or try to whitewash facts, but don't feel that you have to go
     into every topic completely, especially for a young child.  Remember that
     your answer must fit a short attention span; try to respond only to the
     question that is asked, giving your child just the information he asks
     for and can handle.
  -  Be prepared to repeat your answers many times, especially those on the
     most important topics.  Children need repetition to test facts, to be
     sure they remain the same from day to day.
  -  Notice how a repeated question is phrased.  It may seem to be the same
     one that has been asked before, but your child may be returning for
     slightly expanded information, after having digested one or two facts.
  -  Be aware that children under four have a very imperfect sense of time and
     no understanding at all of permanence.  "Forever" really means almost
     nothing to them, and you will have to repeat it often when it is part of
     an answer you give.
  -  Remember that children are often unable to give the proper weight to the
     importance of information.  They frequently ask what seem to adults to be
     trivial or insensitive questions about important things, some apparently
     almost designed to hurt, when they simply don't have enough information
     or experience to be tactful or considerate.

     Questions About Death

     Parents today often find death harder to talk about with their children
than sex--a reversal from Victorian days, when sex was never discussed among
"nicer" people, but death was accepted as a matter of fact.  Children learned
about death when they saw their relatives die at home and attended wakes and
family funerals in the parlor.  Today people die in hospitals or rest homes,
and many children grow up having never seen a dead body or attended a funeral.
Death has become a taboo subject, a shameful secret that we ignore, hoping
with futile foolishness that it won't come close to us.
     Ideally, your child will have some comprehension of death before a loved
person dies.  When you come across dead birds and insects on nature walks or
when a family pet dies, you will have an opportunity to explain that
everything that lives eventually dies.  Facts will need repeating, of course,
but in the course of a few brief experiences, you can talk about how things
live on different time scales; how dead bodies disintegrate and return to
nature; how the old wears out and is replaced by the new; and how dead things
do not return.  One simple way to help children grasp the reality of death is
to discuss it in terms of the absence of certain functions:  dead flowers no
longer grow and bloom; the dead dog no longer breathes, barks, or eats.
     You can also make use of deaths in stories you read to your child.  Your
library or bookstore will offer many excellent children's books that deal
specifically with death.  Remind your child, when you watch television
together, that cartoons are make-believe; they usually give the impression
that death is reversible, temporary, and impersonal; characters rise up whole
and go about their business after having been smashed or blown to pieces.
Another misconception your child can pick up from television programs and
books is that only the wicked die.  Your aim in all this will not be to fill
your child's head with depressing facts, but simply to prepare her a little
for the inevitable death of a loved person.
     Most of your child's questions about death will undoubtedly be asked when
a friend or family member has died and you yourself are upset and grieving.
Talking about the death and formulating the answers that will most help your
child will be very difficult for you.  Try to remember that you want to be
honest with your child, that "protecting" her will ultimately be harmful for
you both.  The normal steps of grief are denial, anger, guilt, and, finally,
acceptance.  Your child's questions will probably be related to them, and you
will be asked to repeat the answers often.
     To counter denial, tell your child as often as necessary that yes,
Grandpa is dead, and will not return, but that those who loved him will always
remember him.  Do not use misleading terms like "sleeping" and "gone away";
the first may well make your child afraid to go to bed, and the second will
lead her to expect Grandpa's return.  And do not use confusing euphemisms like
"called home" and "happy in heaven"; your child will find it hard to
understand why people are sad when death sounds so good.
     If your child shows anger at the doctor for not curing Grandpa or at God
for letting him die, it is probably best to be empathetic.  Other family
members are angry, too, you can explain, but anger won't change things.  You
can also encourage play therapy if your child is old enough to act out roles
with dolls or stuffed animals.
     It is in the area of guilt that a vital but not verbalized question may
occur:  Is your child responsible for Grandpa's death?  Children often feel
responsible for a death because they have not been "good" or have told someone
to go away.  Your reassurance is called for.  Continue to talk about Grandpa,
stressing always the fun your child had with him and how much he loved the
child.
     When your child seems to have accepted the reality of the death, allow
her to cry with you, to share your sadness, in order to complete the grieving
process.  Continue to talk about Grandpa; visit the grave together, if you
wish; explain and let your child share in any commemorative activities you
perform, such as contributing to an organization or planting a tree.
     At some point after the death, your child may feel a great deal of
fear--fear that she will die; fear that you will die and leave her alone and
uncared for; nameless fear that if Grandpa can die, anything terrifying and
horrible can happen.  In spite of your constant reassurance, your child may
regress in areas in which strides forward had recently been made, such as
night waking, toilet training, or eating.  Bear with her; the stage will pass.

     Questions About Reproduction and Anatomy

     Any time after the age of about two and a half, your child will probably
surprise you with the question, "Where do babies come from?"  The question
itself will not be so surprising, especially if you or someone close to your
family is pregnant, but your child will probably pick a most inconvenient time
to ask.  The best answer, wherever and whenever the question comes up, is
brief and factual: "They grow inside their mothers."  Later, when your child
has absorbed this bit of information and comes back with more questions, you
should be equally matter-of-fact in explaining, probably in the following
order, that the baby grows in the mother's uterus, a special place in the
mother's body; comes out through a birth passage called the vagina; and is
conceived when a cell from the father's body joins a cell in the mother's
body.
     This interest in reproduction did not spring up the instant before your
child asked the first question.  A child's education in sexuality begins at
birth, with the mother's touch, and continues as he is held and cuddled while
being fed, bathed, changed, and rocked.  Shortly after a baby's discovery of
hands and feet as the wonderful and ever-present entertainers they are, he or
she finds the genitals, and the pleasures of self-stimulation are revealed.
Toilet training is another milestone; a child handles his or her genitals
frequently and discovers that some of the functions of that part of the body
can be "controlled."
     Toddlers go through a period of curiosity and concern about gender
identity at some point between two and three, and they have a good many
questions.  They ask about the differences between boys and girls, about the
possibility of somehow losing a penis (or getting one), about why boys stand
up to urinate and girls sit down.  Both facts and reassurance are demanded of
you at this point.  Your little girl may feel that her comparatively "plain"
sex organs are less special and will need to be comforted by learning that,
because of the way they are organized, she, but not her brother or any other
male person, can someday give birth to a baby.  Your little boy will worry
that somehow he may lose his penis and will need to be convinced that this
will not happen, that he will forever be male, just as his sister will forever
be female.
     Children's questions are more easily answered if their parents have
healthy attitudes about sex and nudity and are reasonably open about appearing
naked before them.  It's not necessary, or advisable, to run a nudist colony
in your home, but showing alarm or disapproval about perfectly normal
curiosity will make both you and your child uncomfortable about a natural
subject.  Curiosity about the opposite sex can also be satisfied if there are
siblings of both sexes in the family or if a child has opportunities to see
other children going to the bathroom or being bathed.
     In sharing the facts with your child, use the correct terminology for the
body parts.  Your child can handle the words penis, testes, breasts, vulva,
vagina, and uterus as easily as any others, and will not have to learn them
later.  Keep answers short and simple for toddlers, going into no more detail
than is asked for.  Sometimes asking a question yourself to check on your
child's comprehension will turn up an area that needs clarification.  Small
children often put isolated bits of information together to come up with some
startling misconceptions about pregnancy:  for example, mothers become
pregnant by eating a lot or by swallowing a seed; a baby is born through the
mother's anus or navel; and pregnancy is an illness.
     Your hesitancy about explaining sexuality and reproduction to your child
is natural and common among most parents.  It will disappear as you become
more accustomed to answering the questions and giving the information so
important for your child to have.  Do remember to include the roles of love
and intimacy and respect in your talks about reproduction with a child of any
age.  If you do not, you are telling only half the story.

     Questions About Divorce and Domestic Strife

     A mistake that many parents make during a separation or divorce is to
think that a child under two years old, too young to ask questions, will not
be much affected.  Your baby will, of course, not understand much of what is
going on, but he will realize that things are different, will be upset, and
will need special attention at a time when it is hard for you to give it.
     Even very young children should be told that the parents are separating
before the departing spouse moves out, if possible.  They should be told the
truth--that the parent who is leaving will not come back to live.  However
young they are, they should not be told that Daddy is going on a business trip
or that Mommy is going to visit Grandma.  Divorce is somewhat similar to death
in that it is final; euphemisms and lies or half-truths do more harm than good
and ultimately have to be corrected.
     It's best for both spouses to be present when children old enough to
understand (children almost never do really understand divorce--how can the
two people they love the most not love each other?) are informed of the coming
separation.  They should share this responsibility, and each can answer the
questions pertaining most directly to him or her.  If there are two or more
children, it's also best to tell them at the same time, however widely
separated they are in age.  They supply a base of familiarity for each other,
and an older child may be able to help a younger one deal with the confusion.
Those old enough to handle additional information can be given it at another
time.
     Probably the first question a child of any age will ask will be "Why?"
Your answer will probably be something like this:  "Because we aren't happy
living together, and think it would be best for all of us if we lived apart."
The second question may be unasked, but it will be in your child's mind:  "If
you can stop being happy together, can you stop being happy with me?"  At this
point, it is very important for you to say to your child, "We will both always
love you; that will never change."  Another question most children will ask
is, "What will happen to me?"  It's normal for children to be concerned
primarily about themselves.  Be as specific in your answer as you possibly
can.
     The next question children will ask may concern the departing parent.
Tell them where this parent will live, and how and when they will be able to
see him or her.  Postpone giving information about changes in financial
conditions that may cause a change in your lifestyle or news that one or both
parents will be remarrying soon.  Do encourage questions about any other
aspect of the separation, however even if they are painful.
     You may find that your child will go through a process similar to
grieving before he accepts the reality of your separation.  You may be
surprised, and perhaps even hurt, if your child appears to take your
announcement very lightly and not to care.  In reality, the child may be
denying what will have to be accepted later, operating on the principle that
if he ignores the problem, it will go away.  Anger is common among children
whose parents separate or divorce--they are angry at their parents and at a
world in which such an unbelievable disaster can occur.  Children are apt to
look upon one parent as the victim and the other as the villain.  If anger is
directed at one parent, it will be up to the other to discourage it.
     Guilt is an almost universal problem for children whose parents separate
or divorce.  They think that if they had behaved better, had done what they
were told, one parent would not be leaving.  They need constant reassurance
that this is not so.  Acceptance of the situation, when it comes, should be
treated much like acceptance of a death.  Grieving is natural when a marriage
dies and a family is broken up, and your child should not be prevented from
sharing your sadness and disappointment by the mistaken notion that he is
being "spared."

Toilet Training

     Toilet training is a developmental skill that your child cannot master
until he or she is physically and mentally ready, however anxious you may be
to have a "grown-up" child and be through with diapers.  Actually, the process
of training is perhaps more properly called toilet learning, since your child
will teach himself or herself.  Your part is to provide the setting and
materials, the methods to be used, and the necessary encouragement.
     The age at which their children were toilet trained is almost as
important as the age at which they slept through the night among parents who
keep close track of such events and brag a bit.  Some studies show that the
average child is usually toilet trained at about thirty months, but comparing
your child with another is a waste of time; the differences among children in
mastering this skill are vast.  Girls are usually trained before boys of the
same age, but an "early" boy may be trained at two and a "late" girl not
until four.  The advantages of having a toilet-trained child are obvious, and
many parents consider starting training at about age two, if their children
seem to be ready.  It's advisable to back off quickly, though, if your timing
seems to be wrong; the self-esteem of a child who "fails" this test of control
suffers, and the anxiety engendered may lead to extended bed-wetting problems.

     Readiness

     You will suspect that your child is ready for toilet training if wearing
a wet or soiled diaper has become uncomfortable and distasteful to him or if
he sometimes tells you or lets you know in some other way that urination or
defecation is about to take place.  Before you start, let the child observe
you and any sibling in the bathroom; an older brother or sister is usually a
great role model and an enthusiastic one.  Get several pairs of underpants
--the looser, the better--and let your child practice pulling them up and
down.  Look in your bookstore or library for some of the excellent
potty-training books available for children, and read them to your child.
     Decide whether your child will use a potty chair or the big toilet, with
or without an adapter.  The potty chair has the advantages of being
child-sized, close to the floor, and easy to get on and off; the adapter takes
no extra space, doesn't need emptying, and allows your child to skip the
middle step of changing from the chair to the big toilet.  Simply teaching
your child to use the big toilet is, of course, easiest of all, if the child
is large enough and not frightened.  If you choose the potty chair, look for
one in which the pot is easily removed for emptying; you will want your child
to take over this task as soon as possible.  If you opt for the seat adapter,
consider one that folds up conveniently for travel.  If your child is a boy,
you will need a shield, either built-in or attachable, to deflect the flow of
urine, because boys do not stand up to urinate at first.  Do not use a chair
or adapter that has a shield for a little girl; instances of injury to the
labia have been reported.  If you decide on the potty chair, set it up some
time before you start training your child so that it will become familiar.
Let the child sit on it, fully clothed, if he or she wishes, when you are in
the bathroom together.
     Another decision you will have to make concerns terminology.  Children
can handle the words for body parts easily enough, but urinate and defecate
are more difficult, and they or substitutes for them will of course be used
far more frequently.  Most families settle on more casual words, such as pee
and BM.  Remember that there is a fine line between the acceptable and the
crude; a word or term that sounds cute coming from a two-year-old may not be
so at all from a five-year-old.
     Still another decision to make is that about rewards for successful
performance during toilet training.  Parents disagree; some disapprove
heartily of using material rewards for the accomplishment of what they see as
a natural and normal step in development, while others see no harm in the
practice and think it helps inspire a child to earlier success.  Among the
latter, there are those who reward their children with treats, such as
candies, nuts, or raisins, and those who prefer to use small, inexpensive
presents instead of food.  One material gift that all children get is a supply
of "big girl" or "big boy" pants, often introduced with some fanfare by
parents and usually thrilling to a child.  Some parents who don't believe in
any kind of concrete reward other than training pants like to mark a child's
progress with colored stars on a calendar.  One thing all do agree upon is
that praise is a highly suitable and effective reward.  Praise generously,
they say, but not so lavishly that your child begins to think of bowel and
bladder control as earth-shaking achievements, more important than they really
are and, possibly, as tools to manipulate their parents.

     Starting Toilet Training

     The most common order for toilet training is bowel control first, then
daytime bladder control, and, later, nighttime bladder control, but all
children do not follow that pattern.  If your child has bowel movements at a
regular time most days, you may have him trained in that department long
before you try for bladder control; some parents try with good success when
their children are about fifteen months old.  A good time for a child who is
not regular to try is about a half hour after a meal.  Sit with your child for
a few minutes, perhaps reading a book as you wait, but only as long as the
child is willing.  Be prepared for your child to feel proprietary about his
feces, and be careful not to imply that they are dirty or bad in any way.
Some children are upset when their feces are flushed away, and some are
frightened of the flushing noise.  If your child is one of these, you may
decide to flush only after he has left the bathroom.
     One reason some children have trouble managing bowel control is that they
are constipated.  Constipation is not so much a matter of infrequency of bowel
movements (having as few as three or four normal movements a week is perfectly
natural for some children) as it is of hard stools that are painful and
difficult for a child to pass.  Discomfort will make a child hold back and
compound the problem.  To help a constipated child, decrease his intake of
milk and milk products and increase whole grain and dried fruit in the diet.
Prune juice is helpful for a child who will take it.  If constipation
continues, see your doctor for advice.
     Summer is the best time to start toilet training, if you have a choice,
because the fewer clothes a child must bother with, the easier the process
will be.  As often as you can, let your child wear underpants only, to cut
down the problems of dealing with outer pants or skirts and shirts.  You may
find it helpful to plan to concentrate heavily on training for about a week,
staying close to home with your child and not trying to accomplish much of
anything else.  The twenty-four-hour method of training, advanced a few years
ago by two psychologists, who designed if first to help the retarded (Nathan
Azrin and Richard Foxx, Toilet Training in Less Than a Day Pocket Books,
1974), is championed by some parents and disapproved of by others.  It
involves very concentrated effort from both child and parent, and some feel
that it is overly manipulative and somewhat punitive.  Reports of the timing
of success vary.
     Your ultimate objective is to get your child to go into the bathroom
alone, when he needs to, pull down his pants; clean himself when finished;
pull up his pants, empty the pot, if one is used; and flush the toilet.
Obviously, all this self-care will not occur at first, and perhaps you will be
helping, reminding, and even leading your child physically to the bathroom for
some time.  The best times to give reminders or to take a child to the
bathroom are the first thing in the morning, before and after naps, a half
hour after meals, and before bed.  Children usually urinate about eight times
a day, and more often when they are excited or tired.  Remember that part of
toilet training is teaching your child good habits of hygiene--careful and
thorough hand-washing and, for girls especially, wiping from front to back
instead of the reverse (to prevent possible urinary tract infections).

     Accidents and Regression

     Accidents will happen, whatever method you use and however quickly your
child learns.  When one does, clean up quickly, making very little of it.
Console your child if she is upset, and do not punish, scold, or shame her.
If accidents are so frequent that you can see training is going to be
unsuccessful, stop at once and put your child back in diapers.  Try again in
a few weeks or a month, when you think the child is ready.
     A child who is completely toilet trained will sometimes have accidents
when she is ill or coming down with an illness.  Sometimes a child will
regress, and control of bowels or bladder, or both, will seem to be entirely
forgotten.  Regression sometimes accompanies or follows an illness.  A child
who regresses (or one who can't seem to master the control training requires,
though apparently ready) may have a lactose intolerance or other food allergy
or a urinary infection.  The latter is usually accompanied by pain and a
burning sensation when urinating and sometimes also by changed color or a foul
odor in the urine.  If you suspect a physical problem, consult your doctor,
     In most cases, regression has an emotional, rather than a physical,
cause.  It may occur when a new baby comes into the house, when someone close
to the family dies, when parents separate or divorce, or at some other
stressful time.  It's best to go along with it as best you can, not showing
anger or scolding, but putting your child back into diapers without comment.
     Nighttime bladder control usually comes later than daytime control,
though some children go through the night dry even before they are
daytime-trained.  Good control is needed, for a child who sleeps through the
night may have to wait as long as twelve hours.  You may want to encourage
nighttime control by holding back on liquids before bedtime and getting her up
when you go to bed.  Bed-wetting (enuresis) is considered to be a real
problem only after a child is about six.

Discipline:  The Difference Between Right and Wrong

     Discipline is a stern-sounding word; it smacks of the military, of the
submission of one's will to that of another person.  To parents of an earlier
generation, the word was synonymous with punishment.  These strict
authoritarians, concerned with securing unquestioning obedience, felt they
would spoil their children if they paid them too much attention or showed them
excessive affection.  Today we know that warmth and love are necessary if
children are to have full lives, and that a better definition for discipline
is "learning how to behave."  Our long-range aim is to teach our children to
discipline themselves, to have self-control rather than to be blindly obedient
to laws laid down by those who are bigger and stronger than they.
     Good behavior is relative, of course.  Standards are personal, and
conduct and manners unacceptable in your family may be seen as satisfactory in
other families.  And times change.  You may not require exactly the same
behavior of your child that your parents required of you, but you may insist
on certain other attitudes and actions.  As your child grows, he will
gradually absorb the principles that form the basis of your value system.
     Obviously, your child will have to mind you without question as early
safety lessons are learned.  Self-discipline cannot be expected of a toddler,
and your "No!" to running into the street or hitting the baby must be obeyed
instantly.  Your child will be learning, though, and with every similar
experience the lesson will be reinforced, until it is he, instead of you, who
takes responsibility for his actions.  Another example of beginning
understanding of self-control might occur when you stop your three-year-old
from throwing a ball in the house.  Your aim is not to show the child who's
boss or even simply to prevent balls from being thrown in the house.  It is to
teach the child to respect and protect property, and eventually your child
will learn this.  With self-control, he will not only refrain from throwing
balls in the house, but will also not knock over lamps, bang on the furniture
with a hammer, or carry on other destructive activities.

     General Guidelines for Loving Discipline

  -  Be sure your expectations are reasonable.  It's easy for parents to
     expect too much from their children, especially from their first
     children.  No one would expect a nine-month-old baby to show self-control
     about what goes into her mouth; a child that young obviously needs total
     and constant protection from the environment.  But you may be tempted to
     treat your bright toddler, who walks well, understands what you say, and
     speaks in sentences, as a sort of miniature adult.  You don't understand
     why she rebels and defiantly tests every limit you set.  The truth is
     that nature is pushing this child to separate from you, to become
     independent, and the child is going about fulfilling that drive in the
     only ways she knows.  Her defiance means she is growing up.  For the time
     being, give as few commands as possible, offer two choices whenever you
     can, and use diplomacy instead of pressure to get the child to behave
     acceptably.
  -  Reward good behavior, not misbehavior.  Give a "good" child more
     attention than a "bad" one.  When your toddler pats the dog gently,
     reward with praise and a hug.  When he throws a tantrum because you save
     the dog from mistreatment by putting it out, step over the screaming
     child and pay no attention.  For a small child, love and praise are
     better than material rewards of food, toys, or money.  Be careful,
     though, not to spoil a compliment, even to a toddler, by partially
     invalidating it--congratulating your toddler on picking up toys, for
     example, and then pointing out that they have not been arranged neatly on
     the shelves.  Remember that the most thrilling compliment of all is the
     "overheard" one, especially when it is being related to the child's other
     parent.
  -  Don't overreact to misbehavior.  It's easy to get into the habit of
     scolding and punishing with the same intensity for a minor offense as for
     a serious one, in order to get your child's instant attention and
     obedience.  Save your sharpest tone of voice for real emergencies and
     your most severe punishments for actions dangerous to your child or
     someone else.
  -  Be brief, be clear.  Keep your rules simple and repeat them often.  Speak
     plainly, in words of one syllable.  Look into your child's eyes, and hold
     her hands as you give a command.  Be sure not to make rules that can't be
     enforced because they're based on actions that can't be regimented or on
     emotions.  You can't make a child sleep, for example, or force her to
     love someone.  When your child breaks a rule, tell her briefly and
     succinctly what has been done wrong and why it was wrong.  Holding your
     child's hands or touching her on the shoulder as you reprimand shows your
     love and may also get closer attention.

     Punishment to Fit the "Crime"

     Small children need guidance more than punishment, but when your child is
between two and two and a half, he will begin to understand the difference
between right and wrong, and you will find yourself searching for a way to
punish misbehavior fairly and effectively.  The way you punish your child will
depend upon his age, both of your personalities, and, probably, the way you
yourself were punished as a child.  Your tender-hearted and adoring
one-year-old will most likely wilt under even a cross look from you, while
your defiant toddler's feelings seemingly can't be hurt by the most severe
scolding.  One two-year-old will respond positively to your quiet verbal
correction; another might deliberately repeat an offense no matter what you
say or do.  Try to remember, in the most trying of situations, that your
purpose in punishing your child is not to get even but to teach, and that it
is the act you dislike, not the child.  Mete out punishment immediately (not
leaving it until "Daddy gets home"), and follow it very shortly with evidence
that you love your child.
     "Time-out" is an effective punishment for children of almost any age, as
suitable for an angry, overwrought toddler as for a rebellious preadolescent.
The only difference will be that you'll settle your toddler into a little
chair in the corner for a very short time--perhaps two or three minutes--and
you'll isolate an older child for as long as it takes him to accept your
requirements.  One of the best things about a time-out is that it provides a
cooling-off period for both child and parent.
     Allowing logical consequences to follow misbehavior probably provides the
fairest and most reasonable punishment.  You'll make good use of logical
consequences later, when your older child oversleeps and misses the bus--and
walks to school.  Or when he doesn't get chores done on time--and doesn't
watch television.  But even a child under three can understand that if he
rides a tricycle into the street, after being specifically warned not to, the
tricycle will not be ridden at all for one whole day.  Or that if he uses a
toy as a weapon, the toy will be taken away.  The logical consequence of
hitting, biting, or kicking is to be separated from the playmate or adult
under attack.
     Eventually, the question of corporal punishment will arise:  should you
or shouldn't you spank your child?  Some parents feel that a child should
never be spanked, that spanking is more a vent for their own bad moods than a
teaching tool.  The lesson it does teach, they say, is that hitting is the way
to solve problems.  The one exception they are likely to make is the quick
spank they will give a toddler for running into the street or otherwise
risking harm to himself or to others.
     Do not ever shake a child or hit her about the head--you risk brain
damage and even death.  A child's neck muscles are still weak; when the head
snaps back, the brain hits the skull, and blood vessels stretch or break.  A
blood vessel in the eye may also be damaged, causing partial or total vision
loss.
     Finally, it is wise to instruct any and all caregivers that they must
never physically discipline your child.  This type of punishment, if used at
all, is best and most safely administered by you.

     Discipline for the "Difficult Child"

     Every parent knows that some children are harder to handle than others.
Sometimes problems occur because of personality differences between a parent
and a child, but there are children with whom any parent would have trouble.
The truly difficult child has probably been so from infancy, given to troubled
sleep, feeding problems, and perhaps many minor illnesses.  The challenge
grows as the child does.  She is strong-willed, with powerful needs and
unyielding determination, and often intensely curious about every aspect of
her surroundings.  Parents of a child like this can comfort themselves
somewhat in knowing that many difficult children are unusually intelligent.
Some can be classified as hyperactive, but that diagnosis is not usually made
before the child is of school age.  Drug therapy is sometimes recommended for
hyperactive children.  Some doctors and nutritionists feel that the condition
can be controlled by a diet that omits sweets and food colorings.  (See
Chapter 9 for additional information on diet.)
     It is important to accept this strong-willed child as she is and to
convey your love often and sincerely.  Avoid confrontation when you can by
distracting the child or heading off a situation you know will cause trouble.
Be firm when you have to, but save your energy for major problems by letting
your child win a battle now and then.  There will be periods when your child
will be especially hard to handle and you will feel stressed.  Try to find
time for yourself during these periods, if only for an afternoon or evening.