Parenting - Prenatal to preschool/Parenting_PrenatalToPreschool.bin/dp/0026/00263.txt

Text File | 1993-06-25 | 67KB | 1,060 lines

$Unique_ID{PAR00263}
$Pretitle{}
$Title{Child Development:  The Road to Independence}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{
Lansky, Vicki}
$Subject{Independence Person Parent-Infant Bond Bonding relationship
relationships Appearance cute Reflexes grasp Moro startle reflex Cry Crying
Looking see cuddle Social Smile Participant Participating biological rhythm
rhythms smiles Babble Babbles Babbling Coo Coos Cooing Laugh Laughs Laughing
Feed Feeds Feeding Suck Sucks Sucking Interaction Unique Uniqueness different
differences Face Recognition Stranger Anxiety Executive Dependence Separation
Anxieties Attachment Behavior Self Recognition walk walks walking conflicting
emotions Transitional Object Language communicate communicating gestures words
talk talks talking Egocentricity egocentric No Sharing Toys Routine Changes
ritual rituals ritualistic Behaviors Control Dependency Feelings Emotions
Self-concept Aggression Fighting Imagination Television temper tantrum
tantrums defiance child development}
$Log{
At this age, your baby sees himself as the center of the world*0055501.tif
By age 3, children have a wide range of emotions available to them*0055401.tif
Fear of new situations can result from your child's inexperience with them*0057601.tif
At this stage, she may develop intense reactions to separation*0057701.tif
By age three, your child will have a good sense of "me"*0058501.tif
A child's personality represents what he will be like when he is older*0058701.tif
A parent-infant bond is the first, and perhaps most important, relationship*0059101.tif
When holding your baby, you may notice that he molds to cuddle with you*0059201.tif
The parent-infant bond is woven of love and responsibility*0059301.tif
Babies use gestures to make their wants and needs known*0059401.tif}

Complete Pregnancy and Baby Book


The Road to Independence


Becoming a Person

     For your child, the journey to independence is an exciting, frequently
frustrating, and sometimes frightening adventure.  By the time your child is
three years old, she will have made remarkable developmental strides--some
willingly, others less so.  These strides are not only intellectual (as
discussed in Chapter 11), but social and emotional as well.  Though still
dependent upon you for many things, your three-year-old will have begun to
establish her sense of self.  She will have tested the limits and boundaries
in her life, and will have left many of them behind.  In her first three
years, she will establish many of the elements of her adult personality.  In
short, she will become a person.
     As your baby grows and progresses, you will change, in her eyes, as
surely as her self-concept will change.  As she becomes more perceptive and
more aware of herself as a separate entity, she will cast you in a variety of
roles.  Some of these roles, such as care-giver and disciplinarian, will
continue for many years.  Other roles you'll play--such as that of the
omnipotent creature who "ceases to exist" when your baby cannot see you--are
transitory.
     Your awareness of the whys and hows of your child's ever-changing concept
of herself and of you can make your child's journey to a healthy independence
an easier one for all concerned.

The Parent-Infant Bond

     Given the opportunity, parents and babies naturally form a strong
relationship with each other.  This relationship is often called the
parent-infant bond.  For the parent, this bond is woven of love and
responsibility.  For the infant, it is his first--and perhaps most
important--relationship.
     Psychoanalysts have theorized that the first love relationship a baby
experiences with a parent sets the stage for all later interpersonal
relationships.  They contend that if you don't have this necessary
relationship in your formative years, you won't be able to love as an adult.
A number of psychologists and psychiatrists have found support for this view.
For example, John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, studied children growing up
without parents in the first years of life; these children often had problems
relating with others and forming bonds later in life.  From such studies,
psychologists have recognized what parents knew all along--how important
sensitive, responsive, and consistent parenting is to the healthy development
of a child.
     However, it is also important to point out that babies may not have to be
with their parents all the time, despite the current emphasis in Lamaze
classes and parents' magazines on the position that there is a "critical
period" for parents to bond to their babies.  Supporters of this position
state that parents who are separated from their newborns after birth will have
difficulty forming that essential parent-infant bond.  Citing studies
conducted with animals, they point out that mother mice will often refuse to
care for their young if they are separated right after birth.  Fortunately,
humans are not mice, and more recent research suggests that human mothers
generally are quite able to go on to be good mothers even if they have to be
separated from their babies as a result of prematurity, illness, or other
reasons.
     Nonetheless, positive changes have occurred because of recent recognition
of the process of bonding.  Many hospitals have dramatically humanized the way
in which parents and babies are treated.  Parents are allowed greater contact
with babies, particularly in intensive care nurseries.  There, parents can now
often participate in the feeding, handling, and general care of their babies
right away, instead of waiting until their infants are released from the
hospital.

Birth to Two Months

     From the moment of birth, there are already characteristics of both you
and your baby that allow you to begin developing a special relationship,
Newborn babies themselves are very effective at getting their parents and
other adults to take care of them.

     Physical Appearance

     Have you ever noticed that most animal babies are considered cute and
cuddly?  Some scientists believe that this is nature's way of ensuring that
animals (including human beings) care for their young.  This is why your
baby's physical appearance alone makes you feel warm and good inside.  His
large head and rounded features make him look "cuter" and more "babyish."  In
fact, the more any baby has these kinds of features, the more positively he is
seen by adults in general.  Studies report that adults look at chubbier babies
more and express a greater desire to play with and take care of them.  Even
parents have been found to be more responsive to their children when they are
"cuter" than when they are not.  Apparently, new babies endear themselves to
their parents and grandparents, in part at least, just by the way they look.

     Reflexes

     Many of a newborn's reflexes (unlearned behavior patterns) serve to
ensure physical proximity to his mother.  During your baby's first
examination, your pediatrician may demonstrate how your baby's hand forms into
a tight grasp around your fingers.  In the early months, the grasp reflex is
so strong that your baby can almost support his own weight.  When a newborn is
startled by a loud noise or a sudden change in position, his arms flail out to
the side and then are quickly brought together, as if he were trying to grab
onto his mother.  This reflex is called the Moro, or startle, reflex.  This
and other reflexes are believed to be remnants from our evolutionary
ancestry.

     The Cry

     Any parent can tell you that a baby's crying is a very unsettling sound,
one that is not easy to tune out.  Although annoying, your baby's cry should
be thought of as her first means of communicating with you.
     Crying is a highly adaptive response from an evolutionary viewpoint,
probably designed to get the care-giver to attend to the baby's needs.  In
fact, four out of five times that a parent interacts with her baby, it is
because the baby cried.  Crying alerts you to your baby's needs.  Most parents
quickly respond by trying to find out what is wrong, checking to see if the
baby is cold, wet, or hungry, or if she is just bored.  In fact, babies may
have different cries for different reasons.  Parents can often recognize what
their babies' cries mean.
     Many parents think they can actually identify their newborns by their
cries.  This may be an accurate perception.  Psychologists have studied the
acoustical features of individual babies' cries with sophisticated
technology--spectrographs that record sound patterns.  They have found that
babies may be identifiable by unique "cryprints."
     Although all babies cry, wide variations occur in how much time a baby
spends crying.  Some babies may have "three-month colic"; others may cry only
when distressed, hungry, angry, or in pain.  Fortunately, by three months most
babies will dramatically reduce the amount of time they spend crying.
     You can help your baby to cry less.  It has been found that parents who
quickly attend to their babies' crying by picking them up during the first
three months seem to have babies who cry less at nine months.  Contrary to old
wives' tales, you are not "spoiling" your baby by comforting her and relieving
her crying.
     What works to soothe a crying baby varies depending on your baby's age.
Once you have determined that your baby is warm, dry, and fed, age-old
soothing techniques can be employed; and these will change with your child's
developmental changes.  Of course, the best way to quiet a young baby is to
pick her up.  Next comes holding a very young baby so that she can look over
your shoulder, combining closeness and distraction.  Newborns also like to be
swaddled in receiving blankets.  Rocking, giving something to suck, and
providing some sort of auditory stimulation, like music, will help reduce
newborns' crying about half the time.  Sometimes, touching your baby or just
being nearby can make her stop crying.

     Looking Patterns

     Although a newborn baby can't see things very clearly from a distance, he
is quite able to see your face when you hold him in your arms.  In fact,
that's about all he can see.  Newborns tend to look at areas of high contrast
(like a black object against a white background) and the outside of images
(like a hairline on a face).  Thus, a parent's face is an optimal visual
stimulus for a baby.

     "Cuddliness"

     When you hold your new baby, you may notice that he naturally molds his
body to cuddle with you.  This molding ensures maximal body contact between
the two of you and makes you feel warm and tingly.
     Unfortunately, not all babies like to cuddle as much as their parents
would like, but may squirm in their parents' arms.  This may just be their
nature--and not a reflection of parenting skills.  Developmental tests of
infants, such as the Brazelton Neonatal Behavioral Assessment Scale, measure
newborns' reactions.  In one of the tests, babies are rated from "very
resistant to being held" to "extremely cuddly and clinging."  One study
indicated that mothers had difficulty teaching "resistive" newborn babies to
cuddle.  The more a mother tried to cuddle an unwilling baby, the less the
baby cuddled.  If your baby does not want to be cuddled all the time, don't be
alarmed or assume you're doing something wrong.  Remember that your baby is an
individual, and adjust your desire to cuddle him to his responsiveness to
being cuddled.

Two to Three Months

     Your Baby Begins to Look More at You

     At two to three months, babies look more at their parents than at
strangers.  This helps you feel that your baby has formed a preference for
you, which, in turn, strengthens your affection and love for your baby.
     In actuality, of course, babies begin to look more at their parents
because they see them the most--they recognize them.  Hence, you become one of
the first memories your baby constructs.  Babies also like to watch things
that change a little bit each time they look at them.  Because faces change
all the time, your face is an ideal stimulus.
     Babies at this age are beginning to "understand" what faces are.
Two-month-olds can differentiate pictures with scrambled faces from those with
faces with correctly placed features.  By three months, babies may be able to
discriminate facial expressions well enough to identify the eyes, nose, and
mouth.  Also, your baby will start to remember you and recognize you in other
ways.

     The Social Smile

     Not only do babies smile more, they begin to smile socially--that is,
they smile at people more than at things.  These early smiles probably reflect
more the fact that faces are familiar objects than that a truly social process
is taking place.  Nevertheless, when you smile at your baby, your baby can
smile in response.  There is nothing like those first smiles to make you fall
in love with your baby all over again.

     Your Baby Becomes a More Active Participant

     In "talking" to their infants, parents perform what in adult
conversations would be socially inappropriate behaviors just to get their
babies to look and smile at them.  We make all sorts of exaggerated, funny
faces when we look at our babies.  The routine parents go through with their
babies has been described as a "dance."  Your baby looks at you, locks his
eyes on yours, and then looks away.  You then use your routine of funny faces
to get your baby to look back at you.  It is as if the two of you are taking
turns in a finely tuned conversation or dialogue.
     By three months, your baby will assume a greater role as the initiator of
the sequences of play and interaction.  In the first month, your baby followed
your lead; at three months your baby can begin the dance as well.

     Your Baby Becomes Adjusted to Your Rhythms

     Your two-month-old is beginning to adjust to your biological rhythms.
Most babies will now sleep through the night and feed more regularly and less
often.  Failure to make these adjustments to your sleeping and waking patterns
can be a major source of strain on your relationship with your baby and your
spouse.  Especially fatigued parents have a hard time enjoying their babies.
If your baby continues crying excessively and does not seem to be falling into
any sort of routine with you, a call to the pediatrician might be in order.

Four to Five Months

     Special Smiles

     Special smiles just for parents begin appearing at four months.  A smile
will spread across your baby's face when he sees you, but not anyone else.
This behavior implies not only recognition of you--a cognitive skill--but also
recognition of your specialness--a social skill.  This, of course, produces an
incredibly strong emotional response from you.  It makes it more fun for you
to be with your baby and play with him.  In fact, it may be hard for you to
pull yourself away to do household chores or return to work.  This, in turn,
brings great benefits to your baby, providing him with two ready playmates to
teach him the many things he needs to learn.

     Babbling and Cooing

     Isn't it wonderful to hear a baby beginning to make sounds, to coo and
babble as you jiggle him up and down?  Your baby's babbling and cooing evoke a
strong response from you, just as his smiling does.  Your play begins to take
on a real conversational quality.  Now, each of you is more likely to take a
turn--you respond to your baby's cooing with words and funny faces, and your
baby answers with more cooing and babbling.

     Laughing

     Some babies begin to laugh even before four months, some as early as five
weeks.  Laughing occurs about a month after your baby first smiles.  A sudden,
intense (perhaps surprising) stimulus can make a baby laugh.
     But you may notice that sometimes your baby is not sure whether to laugh
or cry.  Laughter appears to be an emotion on the cutting edge of fear.
Theories regarding laughter suggest that babies laugh at things that are
almost, but not entirely, understandable to them.  Things that are too
confusing, however, will make them cry.  Four- to six-month-olds tend to laugh
more at things that touch them (like tickling) and talk to them (like you
saying silly things).
     Your baby's laughing helps form an emotional link between the two of you,
making your play a lot of fun.  We like to see babies laugh, so we repeat
whatever we did to get them to laugh again and again.  By doing this, your
baby is learning to gain some control over his environment.  Through laughing,
babies can also learn the kind of effect they have on other people.

     Feeding and Sucking

     By four months, in all probability, either your baby has found his
fingers or thumb to suck on between feedings or you have offered him a
pacifier.  Several factors may influence the amount of time your baby spends
sucking just for fun.  More sucking is likely to occur, particularly with
breast-fed babies, when you begin to wean your baby.  (Oftentimes, weaning is
more difficult for the mother than the baby.  That special dependency
relationship may be difficult to leave behind.)
     When teeth begin to erupt, you may see your baby chew more on hands,
fingers, and any available toys.  Weaning and teething frequently take place
simultaneously because of baby's biting.
     Most babies like to suck on something between and during meals.  If
babies have the good fortune to find their own thumbs--some do this as early
as three weeks--they may be able to calm themselves down.  Nonnutritive
sucking (sucking for pleasure and not for nutrition) is one of your baby's
first means of exploration.  Babies use their mouths for exploring the world
by touching and tasting all sorts of things.
     People used to think that the amount of sucking that babies did would
have lasting effects on their personalities and behavioral patterns.  For
example, some thought that babies who didn't suck enough because of
bottle-feeding (or because the holes in the nipples were running too fast)
would grow up to have "oral" personalities and would be thumb-sucking
school-age children and smoking adolescents.
     These early theories have not been upheld.  How babies were fed or weaned
makes little difference in their later personality development.  Frequent
sucking also doesn't seem to have any effect on emotional development (or on
dental development, until the permanent teeth start coming in), so there is no
need to continually remove your baby's thumb from his mouth or deny him a
pacifier.  In fact, it is impossible to keep babies from sucking when they
want to; some babies will suck even when they have nothing in their mouths.
     The upshot of professional studies is that a child's emotional
development and stability are not related to how she was fed.  Also, weaning
has not been found to have long-term, resounding ill effects, either
psychological or physical, on well-fed babies.  Rather, such issues as
parental warmth, maternal responsiveness, and the level of conflict in the
home are related to development of secure relationships.

     Problems in Interaction

     By as early as four months, your baby is beginning to develop a specific
relationship with you.  Your patterns of play with your baby help you to form
a lasting bond.  But problems can occur in parent-baby play.
     Problems in interaction can best be viewed as a breakdown in the play
sequence--a misstep in the dance--such that mutuality (a back-and-forth
togetherness) and turn-taking are inhibited.  Sometimes, the break is obvious
to all concerned--as in child neglect and abuse.  More often, problems may be
very subtle and can be identified only through frame-by-frame analysis of
videotapes of parents with their babies.  Some babies and parents show a
beautiful rhythmicity and "dance" in their play, while others appear "out of
step."  The misstep appears when what you expect to happen next just doesn't
happen.  An example of this kind of misstep is seen with a mother who turns
away just as her baby starts to smile at her.  Problems can arise because the
baby isn't learning that he can control his mother's behavior through
appropriate social behaviors of his own.  Psychologists would say that the
partners in such an interaction are "noncontingent"--that is, one partner's
response has nothing to do with the other partner's signal.  Babies
experiencing this type of interaction can "learn helplessness":  no matter
what their signal is, they are unable to adequately control their environment
(in this example, the mother's response).  For this reason, it is essential
that all parents react sensitively to their babies' signals.
     Another problem can occur if one partner in the interaction is
overwhelming.  Some parents "turn off" their babies by working too hard to
sustain their attention.  If, for example, a mother continues to intrude on
her baby, moving closer and trying to coax a smile, even while the baby
signals that she doesn't want to play, the mother is dominating the
interaction by not allowing her baby a chance to be an equal partner.
     There can also be a problem with the match between the personality style
of the parent and the activity level of the baby.
     Unfortunately, there are no set rules or easy answers for the "right way"
to play with your baby, except to be sensitive to your baby's particular
characteristics.  Some babies are far more difficult to parent than others.
Sometimes, just knowing why babies respond in the way that they do is enough
to free parents from any misgivings they may be having and help them get back
on the right track.  The best advice you may ever receive as first-time
parents is to relax, have fun, and enjoy your baby!

     Recognizing Your Child's Uniqueness

     Every baby is different.  Some of these differences come from you and the
kind of environment you provide.  But some of these differences seem to come
with the baby at birth.  One of these inborn differences is in his
temperament, or behavioral style--that is, whether a child is "easy" or
"difficult" or "slow to warm up."  Considering temperament is important
because, unfortunately, gross mismatches occur occasionally between the
temperaments of parents and their infants.  These parents are bound,
therefore, to "go against the grain" when trying to set limits for their
children.
     An "easy" baby shows biological regularity (in feeding, sleeping, and
eliminating), predictable behavior, and adaptability.  Almost any parent finds
this kind of baby easy to get along with because she quickly adjusts to
parental routines and expectations.
     The "difficult" child, on the other hand, withdraws from new situations,
has negative and intense moods, and adapts slowly.  Although some parents take
great pleasure in this type of baby, describing their baby's difficultness as
"vigor" and "lustiness," more frequently, parents and teachers of "difficult"
children feel threatened, anxious, and inept.  If yours is such a child, it is
important to keep in mind that your baby's personality is probably not your
fault.  A difficult baby's temperament often exists independent of parental
attitudes and of management techniques.
     Although the "slow-to-warm-up" child is somewhere in the middle, this
baby sometimes causes more confusion for parents than either the "easy" or the
"difficult" baby.  These babies may be frustrating because their behavior is
often so unpredictable.  At times, they are a joy to be with, but changes in
routine seem to throw them, causing great difficulty for their parents.
     Your child's temperament influences the behavior and attitudes of peers,
siblings, children, parents, and teachers.  How your child "fits" with these
significant people in his daily life will dictate his patterns of adjustment
to new situations.  If you think that a poor "fit" may be detracting from your
baby's opportunities for growth and development, you might ask your
pediatrician about the available parent-infant programs in your community.
Parent-infant educators can often suggest some techniques to help make
parenting easier.

Six to Twelve Months

     Face Recognition

     By seven months, your baby may have begun to respond differently to
different people.  This happens as babies sharpen their visual perceptual
skills and learn to recognize people by their faces, by seeing either a full
face or a profile.  Face recognition is a gradual process acquired over the
first eight months of life.  Some babies can read their parents' facial
expressions too, because they are able to see subtle differences in faces.  As
with many developmental acquisitions, visual discrimination and perception of
faces help your baby to maintain contact with you.

     Stranger Anxiety

     By six months (sometimes earlier), your baby may have developed a very
clear and strong preference for one parent or the other.  This preference is
exemplified by your baby's crying and clinging to you as a new adult
approaches--"stranger anxiety."  Babies in our culture often show at least
some form of stranger anxiety.
     One baby who had to be hospitalized for a short period of time quickly
learned to cry hysterically at all people in blue coats because some of them
were doctors and nurses who were sticking him with needles.  Just think how
much cognitive processing occurred inside the baby's head for him to make
those associations.
     Another baby who only infrequently saw his grandmother cried as she
approached to hold him.  It is natural for grandparents to feel rejected by a
grandchild's crying, but if the phenomenon is placed in the context of normal
development, they should understand.  If you have this problem, suggest that
they wait a while to become reacquainted with your baby before picking him up.
     There are wide variations in the time when stranger anxiety develops and
in the strength of reactions.  Some babies always react more strongly than
others.  They scream hysterically, look terrified, and cling tightly to you,
Another baby may give you a dirty look, as if to say, "Are you sure you want
to hand me over to this strange person?"
     When your baby's fear of strangers is at its peak, it is very tempting to
sneak out of the room when you want to leave him with a babysitter.  However,
if you do this, your baby may become more upset than if you tell him that you
are leaving.  Forewarning older babies and children, telling them what is
going to happen next, is a useful technique to lessen and sometimes prevent
distress reactions.
     Stranger anxiety may peak, seem to disappear, then reappear again and
again over the course of the next year, depending on your baby's experiences,
temperament, and way of handling new situations.  The process of becoming
independent is begun at birth but is certainly not finished within the first
three years of life; it continues in different forms throughout your and your
child's lifetimes.
     Babies' temperamental qualities may affect differences in the strength of
reactions to strangers, but other factors--the setting's familiarity, the
tiredness of the baby, and past experience with strangers--may also come into
play.  Parents who bring their babies to work with them may find that their
babies exhibit little stranger anxiety, because they are used to seeing so
many new faces every day.  What is important to understand is that your baby's
fear of strangers is a healthy reaction and a part of your child's normal
emotional development.

     Parents as "Refueling Centers"

     With your baby's ability to crawl and move away from you comes the desire
to use you as a secure base from which to explore.  A developmental
progression can be observed--your baby will first cling tightly to you, then
move away, return for an occasional hug (or "refueling"), and then move off
but continue visually checking in to make sure you haven't gone anywhere.
     While younger babies require a lot of holding, feeding, and playing on
your lap, mobile babies no longer need as much of your continued,
close-at-hand attention.  You may even be able to leave the baby in another
room as long as you remain available and maintain some verbal communication.
(Of course, you want to make sure that the room is sufficiently "baby-proofed"
so your baby's safety is not in danger.)  In one study with mothers and babies
conducted in a two-room laboratory, the babies would not let their mothers
leave them behind in one of the rooms; however, as long as the situation was
under the babies' control, and they were the ones who chose to go into the
next room, the babies ventured out of their mothers' sight and explored.
     Your availability and occasional reassurance should be supportive of your
baby's exploratory behavior.  Babies of this age who are allowed this
controlled freedom to explore, with the reassurance of verbal contact with the
parent when out of sight, seem to fare better on later tests of emotional and
cognitive abilities.  Allowing your baby some freedom of exploration and
control over the environment and not interfering unnecessarily with what she
wants to do will enhance your relationship with her.

     Executive Dependence

     Some psychologists have called this exploratory stage at six to twelve
months one of executive dependence, when a baby continues to be very dependent
on his care-givers, but also has some control over them.  Your baby may easily
become a tyrant in this stage--for example, he may cry because he wants a
cookie and then become frustrated because he no longer remembers what he
wanted.  Your baby can keep you hopping, trying to second-guess what his needs
are.
     While your baby's continued dependence on you may be annoying and
frustrating at times, meeting his basic needs is essential for healthy
emotional and cognitive growth.  Your responsiveness and your habit of
attending to and appropriately acknowledging your baby's signals, requests,
and demands will enable him to become effective in his interactions with the
world.  That kind of attention teaches your baby to think, "If I do something,
I can have an effect.  I can make something happen!"

Twelve to Eighteen Months

     Separation Anxiety

     Your baby's protest at your leaving the room--sometimes referred to as
separation anxiety--is a healthy reaction.  Rest assured, it does not mean
your baby will become an overly dependent adult.  It is part and parcel of
normal development.
     Separation anxiety requires both cognitive advances involved in the
development of object permanence (you continue to exist in your baby's mind
even when you are out of sight) and a special need for you that cannot be met
by someone else.  Separation anxiety represents your baby's fear of losing
you.  In the earlier months, your baby probably woke up from a nap screaming;
a year later, just calling for your baby from another room may be enough to
help her wait for you.  This change happens when your baby can remember who
you are (even when you are not with her) and is confident that you will come
back to take care of her.  Before your baby develops object permanence, when
you leave the room it is as if you no longer exist--it's little wonder that
she screams when you are gone.
     By twelve to eighteen months, your baby understands that you are a
distinct entity.  (On one day you may wear a suit and on another day you may
wear blue jeans, but you are still the same person.)  At the same time, your
baby begins to realize that you exist even while you are no longer in the same
room.  As babies develop greater motor control, they can move away from their
parents and can see them from a distance, which helps babies to perceive
themselves as separate individuals.  This separateness helps babies begin to
develop a sense of self.
     Peek-a-boo, one of the most delightful games played with babies, is
supportive of your baby's beginning differentiation of "self" as separate from
you.  When you cover up your face, to a young baby, you really have
disappeared.  To a baby at the beginning of this stage, the absence of your
visual presence is cognitively interpreted as your disappearance.  When you
uncover your face, you magically return.  For an infant the emotions of
surprise and the joy of being reunited are very real in these games.
     Peek-a-boo continues to hold magical powers for the eighteen-month-old.
Toddlers cover up their faces with their hands so that they no longer can see
us.  What is so amusing is the toddler's belief that if she cannot see you,
you cannot see her either.   Although the toddler has begun to recognize her
existence as separate from you, she is not yet able to take on another
person's perspective (that is, put herself in someone else's shoes).

     A Secure Attachment to You

     By twelve months of age, your baby has formed a meaningful relationship
with you.  (Here we are speaking to mothers, because women have traditionally
been the primary care-givers for babies.  But much of what is discussed here
applies to fathers, as well.)  Psychologists refer to this as a baby's
"specific attachment."  Not only does your baby clearly prefer you, but he
also strives to avoid your absence and can use your presence to give himself
security.
     People used to talk about this relationship in terms of its
intensity--how much and how loudly did a baby cry when his mother left the
room.  They believed that babies with more intense reactions loved their
mothers more.  We now realize that the intensity of a child's response to
separation from his mother is less important than the degree of security that
he can gain from her presence.  In fact, psychologists now classify children
in terms of whether their attachment is secure.  A secure attachment is shown
with babies who seek closeness with their mothers.  After a separation, when
their mothers return to the room, these securely attached babies approach and
look up to their moms.
     Having a secure attachment is good for babies' long-term development.
Securely attached babies end up having better peer relationships and emotional
stability during the first six years.  Of course, the seeds of this
relationship begin early in life with the mothers' handling of their babies.
Studies find that mothers who responded sensitively and appropriately to their
babies in the first two to six months of life are more likely to have babies
with these secure relationships.  Surprisingly, the baby's characteristics
early on seem to play little role.

     Recognition of Self

     About this time, babies can also recognize themselves in the mirror.  One
study examined how babies reacted to their mirror reflections.  Lipstick was
put on their noses, and observers watched to see if the babies would try to
wipe the lipstick off.  The babies all learned to recognize themselves in the
mirror and wipe off the lipstick sometime between nine and twenty-four months.
     Because babies are becoming more aware of their separateness, they begin
to recognize how vulnerable they really are without you there to take care of
them.  Try to think about how it feels to have your feet pulled out from under
you.  That's how your baby feels as she starts to realize that she is not you.
     This happens right before your baby takes her first independent steps.
Tolerance for frustration and stressful events diminishes.  At times, your
baby seems like an "emotional wreck"--quick to cry and not easily pacifiable.
You wonder what happened to your nice, calm baby.  Some psychiatrists have
suggested that the apprehension associated with walking may be fear of loss of
support from the parent.  All of a sudden, your baby is alone and separate.
Independent walking, perhaps, marks the discovery of the solitary "self."

     Conflicting Feelings

     Your baby will experience conflicting emotions as he masters walking.  At
the same time he is hanging onto you, he is pushing you away.  With his first
steps, striving toward greater independence, he seems to be saying, "Look at
all the things I can do!  I can walk and go where I want!"  In the next
breath, showing his extreme dependency, your baby seems to say, "Stay here.  I
can't be without you for a moment."  All of this is healthy and normal.

     Development of Attachment to a Transitional Object

     By this time, your baby may have established a specially loved blanket or
stuffed animal (a "lovey") that accompanies her to bed and to "scary" places.
This lovey is called a transitional object because it helps your baby in the
transition between extreme dependency on you and the move toward independence.
     Your baby's lovey provides security and comfort, particularly in fearful
situations.  For your baby, this selected object is said to serve the purpose
of keeping a part of you with her even while you are gone.  It is important to
respect your baby's desire to have this lovey with her.
     Some babies maintain this attachment to a special lovey into the
preschool years and beyond.  There is no predetermined time for abandonment of
a lovey; your child will put hers aside when she is ready.  In most cases, the
attachment is normal, and will be outgrown naturally.

Eighteen Months to Two Years

     Language Makes Life Easier for Everyone

     When your baby can communicate some ideas to you, your parenting job
becomes a bit easier.  You can ask what's wrong.  You no longer are required
to be a mind-reader and try to second-guess your toddler to figure out what is
bothering him.
     Much younger babies use gestures and single words to make their wants and
needs known.  Your baby may have developed some of his own unique gestures to
express different wants.  Many eighteen-month-olds have command over a number
of words.  These single words can mean whole sentences.  Some
eighteen-month-olds put words together in two- and three-word combinations.
     Wise parents make use of their babies' natural ability to acquire
language to make their jobs easier.  For example, one mother was so quick to
get everything for her toddler that he didn't need to talk.  All his needs
were being met without much effort on his part.  When her pediatrician
suggested that she wait for her son to ask for things, the little boy started
talking in five-word sentences.  In this situation, the mother had been too
good at reading her son's signals.
     If you have concerns about your baby's development of language, be sure
to discuss them with your pediatrician.  Babies prone to frequent ear
infections occasionally have fluctuating hearing losses.  If you suspect your
baby isn't listening to you or doesn't understand what you say, you might want
to check this out.  Sometimes children have behavior problems because of poor
hearing.  Kids can be particularly difficult to manage when they don't hear
what you say.
     For some babies, having the words in one's head but not having the words
come out right can be a very frustrating experience.  There is so much that
they want to say, but they don't know how to say it.  Try not to place too
much pressure on your baby to say the words correctly.  A lot of internal and
external demands are being placed on the almost-two-year-old.  Not only are
these youngsters trying to master an upright world, they are also trying to
become competent users of language.  This is a time when gentle encouragement,
assurance, and firm limits are needed.

     Egocentricity

     At eighteen months, your baby has an egocentric view of the world--that
is, she sees herself as the center of the world and is unable to see things
through other people's eyes.  The term "egocentric" is often used to refer to
self-centered adults, but it also depicts a baby's view of her position of
power in the world:  she, too, thinks that the world revolves around her.
     At this age, your baby recognizes that parents can do things for her.
Adults serve a purpose for babies:  they are a means to an end.  However,
while adults can give babies what they want, they can also make demands and
set limits, which can be a source of conflict.  For example, a mother can ask
her toddler to begin to master independent living skills (such as giving up
the nighttime bottle, using a cup and a spoon, and using the potty) before the
toddler feels she is ready.
     Feeding can be a potential battleground for parents and babies--with the
baby often winning.  Babies can use the feeding situation as a way to control
parents.  A laid-back approach--allowing the baby some selection of food and
not forcing her to eat detested foods--can prevent later feeding problems.
There are also some tricks that you can use, such as disguising the disliked
foods with preferred tastes.
     Conflicts about self-care skills often center on dependence-independence
issues.  Some sort of balance must be achieved between your baby's dependence
on you, the care-giver, and your desire for your baby's increased
independence.  Some of these skills--such as toilet training--may be best
dealt with at a later date since some readiness skills may be needed.  There
is no single timetable because children master developmental skills at their
own rates.

     No!

     One of a baby's first words is no.  Babies often say no to your requests
even when they mean yes.  Some say it is easier for a baby to shake his head
from side to side than up and down, but defiance is certainly also the name of
the game.  We have all seen many a two-year-old throw a temper tantrum right
in the middle of the store because he didn't get what he wanted.  These temper
tantrums are disruptive and embarrassing but are all part of growing up.
Though never easy to deal with, they are inevitable, and are faced by every
parent.  The difficulty is not yours alone.  And yes, the phase will pass!
     Although toddlers do have more language available to them, this stage is
characterized by a great deal of opposition.  It's as if the toddler has to do
the opposite just as a statement of his independence.  This is a very
important developmental step for your child.  It is an assertion of your
child's sense of himself as an individual.  These difficult times are
important for your child to separate from you and move toward becoming a
distinct person.
     Like everything else in development, the timetable varies from child to
child.  Some very verbal children don't hit the "terrible twos" until they are
three.  This is a consequence of the child's and parents' ability to talk
about what the child is feeling, thinking, or wanting.  Parents can explain a
lot of different kinds of things to toddlers; sometimes what appear to be
quite rational explanations can defuse a potentially explosive situation.
Other times, these explanations are totally useless, partly because the baby
doesn't have the necessary level of understanding to know what you are talking
about.  Also, there are times when your child just won't give in.  It is very
important for parents to sit down and talk with each other so that they can
establish priorities as to what's worth a fight and what isn't.

     Intense Separation Reactions

     Even though your baby has already experienced some stranger anxiety, it
is likely that she will develop more intense reactions to separation at this
developmental stage.  Leaving her with a babysitter or dropping her off at the
day care center may be more difficult.  Remembering to take a favorite toy or
lovey along may help with these leave-takings.  Fear of new situations results
partly because of your child's inexperience with them.
     Easy sleep patterns that have been established may be disrupted in this
stage.  So much time during the day is spent in motor activity--walking and
running--that by the time evening rolls around, your toddler is likely to be
too overtired to go to bed easily.  In addition, you shouldn't be surprised if
your baby starts to wake up again in the middle of the night.  This may be
because your baby is afraid of being alone.  Night fears begin around eighteen
months.  They may continue through the third and fourth year, changing in
intensity and content.  Three-year-olds can often tell you about dreams that
wake them up.
     At these early ages, your baby doesn't know what's real and what's
fantasy, so nighttime, being alone, and dreams can be frightening experiences.
You can relieve some of your baby's fearfulness by comforting her and telling
her that you are there and will protect her.  On occasion, even letting your
baby crawl into bed with you can give her a sense of security and you a good
night's sleep.
     Children's fears can be lessened through imaginative play and books.
Play is a terrific means of working out difficulties your child may be
experiencing.  Some of your baby's fears and worries can be worked out through
your playing together.  Each of you can take turns pretending to be the "scary
monster" which the other one banishes.  Some delightful children's books cast
triumphant little boys or girls as conquerors of nighttime monsters.
     In addition to books, parents can use puppets to engage their toddlers,
and older children too, in lively reenactments of daily concerns and fears.
Playing with puppets removes some of the tension associated with real-life
discussions about upsetting issues.  By giving the worries to the puppets in
the realm of your play, some forbidding topics are no longer as unthinkable.
     Toddlers need a regular bedtime routine.  Many parents use the hour
before bedtime to read books with their children.  Not only is reading to your
child known to be beneficial to her later reading readiness, but
eighteen-month-olds find the same routine night after night comforting.  Thus,
a consistent bedtime "ritual" is good for your child's emotional growth and
cognitive development and may provide a better night's sleep for both parents
and child.

     New Advances

     As a parent, your role is to support your baby's move toward independence
while at the same time recognizing his need to be dependent on you.  Some
children have great difficulty struggling to reach the next developmental
milestone.  Others make smooth transitions from milestone to milestone.  Some
experts believe that development is mainly dependent on the child's growth or
maturation, with maturation moving in an upward, cyclical manner.
Occasionally, peaks and valleys do occur.
     With this cyclical view of development, parents can see how new advances
can be upsetting for children.  Thus, with advances to each new stage of
development, notably with walking, your baby's behavior may seem disorganized
until he is sure of himself and has consolidated his new skills.

     Sharing Toys With Other Children

     Neither eighteen-month-olds nor two-year-olds are very good at sharing
toys.  This, too, is a part of normal development and should be accepted as
such.  From your baby's perspective, her toys are an extension of herself.
For someone to take a toy from her is a direct affront to her integrity.
It's as if a part of her has been taken away.  Parents are probably
unrealistic to request a child of this age to share with other children.  You
can start to work toward that goal, but it may be too soon to reasonably
expect to achieve it.
     One helpful hint is to have a special set of toys designated for the play
group.  This way the toys don't seem to belong to any one person.  Aggression
and fighting over toys can also be reduced with planned activities.  The
activities should be ones that are creative, messy, and fun, such as painting,
or playing with blocks, sand, and molding material.

     Difficulties With Changes in the Routine

     Eighteen-month-olds are very ritualistic.  Often routines must be carried
out in exactly the same way or the toddler is upset.  Recognizing this, you
can help your toddler by trying to maintain as consistent a routine as
possible.  By doing this, your toddler doesn't have to try to figure out
what's going to happen next.  Transitions are also eased by letting children
know what to expect.
     Toddlers' typical ritualistic behavior may be due to their limited
understanding of language.  Sometimes we are fooled into thinking that
eighteen-month-olds know more than they do.  On occasion, parents should stand
back and reevaluate why the child acted the way he did.  Perhaps he did not
understand what was said or asked.  While toddlers understand a great deal,
not all ideas hold the same meaning for eighteen-month-olds as they do for
adults.
     Because of this, your child's reactions to disruptions in his routine are
likely to be more intense than they were earlier in his life.  The toddler's
distress and obstinacy are said to be, in part, related to the beginning
development of his sense of self.  To the toddler, parent and child are
becoming two separate people, which may be a stressful adjustment.
     The emotions of fear and worry may seem more apparent with toddlers than
with young babies.  Some two-year-olds appear quite wary when confronted with
new situations.  In particular, such things as firecrackers, loud noises, and
vacuum cleaners can be pretty frightening.  Toddlers don't understand the
relationship between cause and effect yet and may attribute magical or
lifelike properties to noises and machines.  The toddler may even think that
these strange occurrences happened because of something he did.
     Some children hold onto their parents until they are comfortable and
secure in a new setting.  Yet at home, if all is going well, your child should
be able to leave your side to play by himself in another room.  Your child's
caution and his checking in on you represent a beginning sense of reality.  It
is part of the normal developmental process, without which your child would
not develop into a healthy, independent person.
     Although at times your toddler will be difficult to manage, this is
the age when it is even more important to be firm in setting limits,
consistent in your demands, and nurturing during the bad as well as the good
moments.  Your role is to balance the toddler's desire for independence with
his continued need for reassurance, love, and affection.

The Third Year

     Control and Dependency

     The first half of the third year may remain difficult for you and your
child as far as issues of control and dependency are concerned.  Although your
child's language and self-care skills are more advanced, in some ways your
child continues to feel like a tightrope walker, occasionally teetering with
uncertainty over what she can and cannot do.  Try to recognize your child's
need for independence.  By promoting independence along with emotional
support, parents can help their children through this stage.  An extra cuddle
or more lavish praise for the good things that the child is doing helps to
counteract some of the normal negativism.
     One management technique that works quite well with toddlers is the use
of praise.  To help your child develop a positive self-image, you should
encourage and delight in your child's new accomplishments and achievements,
Praise ("That's good!  I like that block tower"), hugs, and kisses are
important ingredients in promoting a good self-image.  At two and three, a
child's self-esteem--how she feels about herself--is often a reflection of her
perception of her parents' opinions of her.  Interest in and enjoyment of your
child's play set, the tone for a healthy self-concept.
     One of the most difficult jobs parents have is setting reasonable limits
for their children.  Letting your child know what's expected, what's
tolerable, and what's unacceptable is a long-term process that continues well
into the teenage years.  As early as in the first year, for example, you are
setting some limits by not letting your child stick her fingers into the
electrical outlets.
     Some potential conflicts can be defused by rearranging the environment,
so that you don't have to worry about your child's hurting herself, breaking
your valuable vase, or eating a poisonous plant.  Child-proofing the major
living quarters in your house allows your child to safely explore many
interesting and different objects.
     Of course, changing the environment will not take care of those times
when a direct confrontation is necessary.  It helps to quickly and adeptly
address the situation.  Tell your child what you don't like about what she is
doing.  Give her a simple reason why, for example, pulling the tail on the cat
hurts the cat.  Parents don't need to use more than one or two sentences of
explanation.  Ask the child to stop.  If that doesn't work, put the child on a
chair for a few minutes either in the same room with you or in a different
room.  After the allotted time has elapsed, you can then talk about what
happened.  Later in the day, but not immediately afterward, be sure to let
your child know you still love her by giving her a hug and a kiss.  On a
particularly bad day, you may even want to engage her in a very special time
just for the two of you.  The earlier you begin to set aside a special chair
or place to be used for thinking about unacceptable behavior, the sooner your
child will learn that some things just mustn't be done.
     In the early years, parents take on the roles of care-giver, teacher, and
playmate.  Creating an emotionally supportive environment is essential for
your child to become independent yet aware of her parents' love and
acceptance.  On occasion, behavioral extremes are acceptable for
two-year-olds.  As a regular pattern, however, the child who is always out of
control or overly compliant is telling you something.  These are warning
signals that suggest that you should take a good, hard look at your
disciplining techniques.  Ask yourself:  Are my methods so loose that the
boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors are unclear?  Am I so
rigid in setting limits that my child is afraid to upset me by resisting my
controls?  Am I providing enough time for relaxed activities and play with my
child?
     By the end of the third year, with increased growth, maturity, and
confidence, your child will become willing to relinquish some of her
insistence on being independent.  She may even give up some of her executive
independence ("I want to do it myself!") for your love and affection.  Great
pleasure is obtained from praise and attention.
     Participation in such body management activities as feeding, toilet
training, and dressing becomes a matter of routine.  Although many
three-year-olds continue to have high activity levels, their activity begins
to be more directed, with a far less frenetic quality.
     The secure three-year-old may be willing to allow you to help her set
limits.  This new stage has been called the stage of volitional dependence
because the child's dependency needs can now be brought under her control.
Your child will be less impulsive and more manageable; an occasional
explanation of rules will be understood--and actually followed, too.  For
example, when you are working in one room, you may no longer have to worry
about leaving your child to play in another, but instead may be able to trust
her not to misbehave.

     Feelings and Emotions

     Of particular importance, but sometimes overlooked, is talking to your
children about how they feel.  By the age of three, children have a wide range
of emotions available to them:  they feel afraid, mad, sad, and glad.  While
children may not have exactly the same meanings for these feelings that adults
do, children can learn to label and identify "good" and "bad" feelings.  Don't
underestimate their capacity for understanding emotions and feelings.
     Parents can help their children develop a language for expressing and
dealing with feelings by giving the feelings names.  While doing so, parents
have a responsibility to manage their own feelings to help children deal with
theirs.  Sometimes, our own childhood experiences creep into how we handle
emotions with our children.  For all of us, there are some feelings that give
us trouble.  For instance, difficulties with such feelings as anger and
aggression may spill into our parenting.  If we cannot tolerate angry
feelings, we might try to prevent our children from displaying anger by saying
"That's no reason to be angry!" when in fact a child may have good reason to
be angry.  Through the use of play, you can provide children with some
emotional avenues for anger, fear, and anxiety.

     A Self-concept Emerges

     Between their second and third birthdays, most children become fairly
competent language users.  They readily use the personal pronouns "I," "me,"
and "mine," particularly to defend ownership of their toys and possessions.
They have great difficulty letting anyone else play with something that is
theirs.
     Around this time, your toddler can refer to himself by his own name.
Sometimes, when playing with dolls or superheroes, your toddler may reenact
earlier events.  Different roles may even be assigned to the dolls.  If you
sit down and play directly with your toddler, you can get a glimpse of the
inner workings of his mind.  This glimpse may be both delightful and
unnerving, since you may observe firsthand how your child views your parenting
style.  Many parents have heard their sweet little girl harshly send her
favorite doll to her room because she didn't "behave."
     By three years of age, your child has a good sense of "me" and "you" and
of "self" versus "non-self."  With better cognitive capacities and a wider
repertoire of experiences, the three-year-old has internalized memories of the
significant people in his life--his parents.  As their sense of self grows,
children's personalities become more representative of what they will be like
as they grow older.  Preferences and dislikes are readily displayed in how
they interact with the world:  for example, some children already prefer very
physical activities, while others choose quiet, sedentary play.

     Aggression and Fighting

     Fighting usually centers on wanting to have a toy that someone else has.
Aggression is a normal part of growing up and may be related to our survival
instincts.  Most children are fairly aggressive when trying to defend their
belongings and themselves.
     There are no easy answers for how to handle excessive aggression.
However, it certainly doesn't make sense to the child or to the parent to
handle aggression with aggression.  Imagine this scenario:  Two sisters are
fighting over a toy.  One parent comes in, yells at them to stop fighting, and
hits one of them because the child won't give the toy back.  What does this
teach the children?  There's quite a mixed message here--it's all right to
fight and to hit, but only if you are bigger and more powerful than your
adversary.
     Parental handling does influence how aggressive a child will be.
Children in families where physical violence, such as hitting or spanking, is
used as punishment generally turn out to be more aggressive than other
children.  The least aggressive children come from families that are
nonpunitive, nonpermissive, and nonrejecting.  The parents in such families
are consistent in their handling of aggression.  They don't use physical
punishment or unnecessarily harsh language.  They set firm and clear limits as
to what is expected of their children, and they are accepting of their
children.
     Consistency is important in whatever intervention technique you use in
dealing with your child's aggression.  A useful technique is to remove the
child from the fight and isolate her for a few minutes.  Quick handling of the
situation, before the fighting gets out of hand, is helpful.  Once your
two-year-old can talk, asking her to talk about how she feels or what she
wants will help her learn to express herself verbally instead of physically.
     Sometimes, providing your child with an outlet for her pent-up energy
helps reduce the level of her aggression.  Particularly in wintertime, just as
with adults, active physical exercise will help release the tension and reduce
the level of stress.  Imaginative play also helps to work through aggressive
tendencies.  The age-old fairy tales can be used to work through some
anxieties.  Parents can capitalize on the child's imagination to help work out
conflicts.

     Imagination

     Imagination is especially wonderful and exciting to watch develop in your
child.  Through the windows of your child's play and the talking he does to
himself, you can actually follow your child, the "movie director," casting a
set of characters into their various roles.  Fantasy develops along with your
child's more sophisticated knowledge of the world, although he cannot yet
totally differentiate fantasy from reality.
     Some children have such great imaginations that they tell the most
unbelievable stories--and sometimes get in trouble for doing so.  One child we
know had an imaginary friend; whenever he did something really bad that he
didn't want to catch the blame for, his imaginary friend was there to cover
for him.  Usually, the presence of an imaginary friend is just a sign of a
healthy, imaginative child.  But imaginary friends can become too powerful:
they can interfere with your child's ability to accept responsibility, can be
present to the exclusion of other friends, and can do all your child's
talking.  Luckily, this doesn't happen very often.  If you're concerned about
your child's imaginary companion, you may want to consult with a professional.
     By three, your child has internal pictures of the people in his world,
the television shows he watches, and daytime events.  The world is no longer
viewed as a place filled with magical powers:  cause-and-effect relationships
are becoming explainable to him.  Earlier, his parents were omnipotent; now
there are some chinks in their armor.  Before your child was able to connect
cause-and-effect relationships, he thought things happened because of the
things he did.  Imagine how powerful and scared a two-year-old might feel if
he thought he caused lightning to appear.  This kind of thinking takes years
to change into the logical form it will acquire in adulthood.

     Television

     Presidential commissions have confirmed the profound effects of
television violence on children's aggressive behavior.  These reports indicate
that violent television programming is related to an increase in children's
fighting.  If you do not want to have a physically aggressive child, you may
consider monitoring your child's television viewing habits.  One way to do
this is to count the number of aggressive acts in your child's Saturday
morning cartoons.  Then you can decide if you would like her to continue to
watch them.
     Cartoon-watching also seems to have a negative impact on children's
activity levels.  While they sit and stare at the television set, they appear
zombie-like; afterward, these same children act overexcited, running
helter-skelter with little direction or content in their play.  In all
likelihood, a steady diet of superheroes and monsters is harmful.  Also,
because two- and three-year-olds are unable to distinguish between fantasy and
reality, the evil warriors and monsters may seem real to them, and the
characters in some of these daytime "entertainments" can come back to haunt
toddlers at nighttime.  To make matters worse, it is often difficult to tell
where the cartoons end and the commercials begin.
     However, television can be used for positive ends as well.  Good
educational programs, like Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, can
teach your toddler many interesting things, See Chapter 11 for additional
discussion of the proper role of television.

     Multiple Attachments:  Expanding Horizons

     By three years of age, your child is likely to have a number of
relationships with people other than his parents.  He may have a favorite
babysitter or just a good friend.  He will prefer to play with children his
own age rather than to play with you, though he still enjoys and needs you.
Long periods of time can be spent in play without any fighting and with some
sharing of toys.
     As your child's world expands--for example, when he goes to a day care
center or nursery school--the influences on your child's self-esteem will also
include new people's attitudes toward him.  As parents, it's essential to
provide him with the security he needs so he can go out and explore his
surroundings.
     While your child may be quite ready to go off to nursery school, once in
a while he may slip back to his less-sure former self and not want to leave
your side.  These are considered to be normal separation reactions.  His going
to nursery school is a big emotional step for both of you.
     Here is an example of a three-year-old boy we knew.  It was the first
week of nursery school.  Every day the boy's mother walked him to the
classroom, gave him a hug and a kiss, and said goodbye.  Each time, the boy
cried uncontrollably, refusing to take his jacket off for the whole day.
Knowingly, the teachers respected the child's need to hold onto his jacket.
For this child, removing his jacket meant that he was going to stay at this
place without his mother.  In a way, he was unsure that he was ready for all
this independence.  Both mother and child benefited from the teachers' warm
assurance that everything would be all right.  Gradually, the teachers enticed
the child into the fun the others were having.  Some nursery schools are quite
aware of children's difficulties with separation and build this into their
programs by slowly introducing children into the classroom.  For some
children, nursery school is the first time for them to be on their own.  It
is, on the one hand, an obvious milestone, but on the other hand, it is just
one of the many steps that take your baby gradually toward independence.