Usenet 1994 January

home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search

/ Usenet 1994 January / usenetsourcesnewsgroupsinfomagicjanuary1994.iso / answers / lemur-faq / part1 next >

Wrap

Text File | 1993-12-22 | 33KB | 815 lines

Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,alt.answers,news.answers Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!usc.edu!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!vtserf.cc.vt.edu!solaris.cc.vt.edu!polaris.async.vt.edu!jfurr From: Joel Furr (jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu) Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 1 of 6, Lemur Humor Part One) Message-ID: <CIH2A3.6M@polaris.async.vt.edu> Followup-To: alt.fan.lemurs Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and the best answers we got) about Lemurs. It should be read by anyone who wishes to post to the alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup. Sender: jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu (Joel Furr) Organization: CAT-TALK Conferencing System Date: Thu, 23 Dec 1993 05:08:26 GMT Approved: news-answers-request@MIT.edu Lines: 800 Xref: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu alt.fan.lemurs:2469 alt.answers:1472 news.answers:16106 Archive-name: lemur-faq/part1 Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part1 Last-modified: 1993/07/06 Version: 3.0 Alt.fan.lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions This is the famous alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup, the newsgroup that celebrates the legend, lore, and humor of Madagascar's most famous animals. Lemur discussion began in 1991 on a small local campus conferencing system at Virginia Tech, spread to a few USENET news- groups, and acquired its own newsgroup in Fall 1992. Sections of the FAQ include: Part 1 of 6 -- Lemur Humor Part One Part 2 of 6 -- Lemur Humor Part Two Part 3 of 6 -- Lemur Poetry Part 4 of 6 -- Lemurs Versus Cows Part 5 of 6 -- Duke University Primate Center Part 6 of 6 -- Real Lemur Facts Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions Part 1 of 6 -- Lemur Humor Part One ------------------------------ The Questions (1) Um, this newsgroup seems to have a somewhat unusual view of Lemurs. According to you, what IS a Lemur? (2) What kinds of sounds do Lemurs make? (3) Are Lemur eyes really all that big? (4) What do Lemurs do when the weather turns cold? (5) What do Lemurs like to eat? (6) Who is Nigel the Lemur? (7) Who is Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur? (8) Who are the other Lemurs? (9) What's this I hear about a song called "Shock the Lemur?" (10) What is "Lemur-B-Gon"? (11) Does Lemur-B-Gon _work_? (12) What do I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where Lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix? (13) Can you get Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions? (14) What is the "Lemurcon equation"? (15) What should I do if I meet a Lemur? (16) Were there Lemurs in Star Trek (tm)? (17) Is it unusual to dream about Lemurs? (18) How do Lemurs get into the USA? (19) Are Lemurs controlling the minds of alt.folklore.urban readers, forcing them to insert the word "Lemur" into the keywords lines of their posts? (20) How can you keep your local Lemurs entertained? (21) Have Lemurs appeared in any court cases? (22) How do monkeys compare with Lemurs? (23) Can Lemurs in zoos escape? (24) What do Lemurs in zoos like to eat? (25) If you feed the Lemurs, what's likely to happen? (26) Why did Chris Thompson get committed to a mental hospital? (27) Is it wise to publicly express a fondness for Lemurs over the Internet? (28) What's that "Joey the Lemur, Friend of Mankind" song they did on Mystery Science Theatre 3000? Lemur Humor is continued in Part 2 of the FAQ, "Part 2 of 6 -- Lemur Humor Part Two". --------------- The Answers (1) Um, this newsgroup seems to have a somewhat unusual view of Lemurs. According to you, what IS a Lemur? L-E-M-U-R (le-mer) noun Lemur: a small mammal with large eyes, a foxlike face, and wooly fur, found mainly in Madagascar, Virginia Tech, and in the Twinkie aisle of your local 7-11. There are different kinds of Lemurs, some resembling monkeys, some resem- bling mice and squirrels, and some resembling politi- cians. They live in trees and some are active mainly at night. Others prefer to ride the rides at local theme parks. They are probably similar to an ancestor of the primates, meaning even Lemurs have a little bit of Elvis in them. <New Latin (?!?) LemurES, plural <Latin Lemures (with a - over the last E) specters, ghosts (because of their appearances and nocturnal habits) This definition written by Barbara Poff. ----------- (2) What kinds of sounds do Lemurs make? Words known to be found in the Lemur lexicon include "ptang," "frink," "cheep," and "whooooooo". The meaning of these words is said to vary based on the motion of the eyes at the time a given phrase is said. Further information is reported by G. Shapiro: "Let me summarize the current understanding of Lemur lin- guistics, as reported in the Journal of Irreproducible Results. frink (adj) - very appealing, sexually frink (noun) - a National Geographic photographer. [NOTE: The dual usage of frink stems from a confusion in Lemur society. The primary determinant of sexual appeal in Lemurs is size of the eyes. Lemurs confused the telephoto lenses of NG photographers as huge, and hence very appeal- ing, eyes.] ptang (verb) - to have sex with another species. Has a positive connotation when the other species is also primate. More akin to the English 'bestiality' when the other species is non-primate. cheep, cheep, cheep (noun) - particularly satisfactory sexual experience. So let us use this knowledge to translate the following Lemur dialogue: 1st Lemur: PTANG FRINK FRINK 2nd Lemur: cheep, cheep, cheep. Translation: 1st Lemur: I heard you had sex with that hot-looking NG photographer. 2nd Lemur: Yes. It was great. Shapiro's report cannot be accepted as absolute fact as Lemurs have been known to use "ptang" and "frink" for many other situa- tions besides those involving sex. Hence the theory that eye motions play a large role in determining what a Lemur means at any given time. This theory is as follows: The verbal component of a Lemur lexicon that requires somat- ic components to determine the actual meaning. In other words, the meaning of "frink" varies depending on the eye motions of the lemur in question. Rolling your eyes while saying "frink" means one thing, while winking the right eye slowly while saying "frink" means something else entirely, and so forth. "Frink" seems to be used for many purposes: as a greeting, as an exclamation of excitement, as a means of expressing curiousity, and so forth. Only Lemurs know what "frink" means for sure, and they aren't telling. ----------- (3) Are Lemur eyes really all that big? Yes. Lemurs come equipped with large, almost shining eyes which are legendary for reflecting the light of campfires back at people gathered in clearings with curious Lemurs in the nearby trees. Lemurs are said to have "googly" eyes which are used in communica- tion -- e.g. winking, rolling, staring, etc. in addition to spoken words. When a Lemur is around a good-looking Lemur of the oppo- site sex, you can generally tell that the first Lemur finds the second one attractive as the first Lemur will "get all googly and stuff" (in the words of Chris Karluk). ----------- (4) What do Lemurs do when the weather turns cold? Word has it that Lemurs travel via subways and steam tunnels when the weather turns cold, "moving in" with friendly humans, thereby assured of a warm dwelling place and lots of Big K grape soda for the duration of the winter. Apparently the humans they move in with are persuaded to share their living quarters with some Lemurs if the Lemurs let their "hosts" use their blaster pistols now and then. "Negotiations" with the invading Lemurs can be interesting, as this exchange of messages in a recent case shows: * The humans said that the Lemurs could come by if they promised not to annoy the neighbors, play the stereo too loud, hog the computers and modem, use laserdisks as frisbees, or swing from the kitchen light. * The Lemurs countered by asking if they could jump up and down on the bed. Their representative said that he couldn't guarantee all the above, but that they MUST be allowed to jump on the bed, or else they would come over anyway and do anything they want. Furthermore, swinging from the kitchen light is something that all Lemurs instinctively love doing. Would the humans object if they brought their own kitchen lights to attach to the kitchen ceiling? * Sighing, the humans assented provided that the Lemurs either promise to repaint the kitchen walls afterwards or wear flip-flops. * The Lemurs agreed and moved in. ----------- (5) What do Lemurs like to eat? Legend has it that Lemurs love junk food. Specifically Hostess Twinkies, but also such things as generic snack cakes, cookies, deviled eggs, pigs-in-a-blanket, squirt cheese on crackers, etc. In other words, your average Lemur would be very content raiding the hors d'oeuvres line at a cheap wedding reception. Rumor has it that Lemurs occasionally fall victim to strange cravings, such as chocolate cakes with cherry pie filling and whipped cream on top... and sauerkraut! Sauerkraut on everything!!! Let's not explore this subject any further. Lemurs like to eat. This they do well: it's not uncommon for a Lemur to devour the entire contents of a candy machine in under ten hours. (Lemurs often can squirm inside the machine via the slots at the bottom, eat their fill, and then have trouble getting back out. vending machine repairmen often find engorged Lemurs sitting in a pile of Mounds bar wrappers looking woeful. The Lemurs are usually deported back to the Duke University primate home.) Lemurs are nothing if not pragmatic. A vending machine full of Mars bars down the hall from the office they've taken over is greatly preferred to one a few buildings away that contains Twinkies. Besides, those machines are usually long since cleaned out by those few Lemurs who do forage afar. ----------- (6) Who is Nigel the Lemur? Nigel the Lemur is the only lemur known to have internet access. Nigel's email address is nlemur@snarf.eecs.umich.edu. Nigel was first heard of escaping from the Duke University Primate Center in Durham, North Carolina. He made his way north to Blacksburg, Virginia and presently makes his home there, freeloading off various humans and making periodic appearances on alt.folklore.urban. ----------- (7) Who is Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur? Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur is said to have stowed away on Santa's sleigh during a stopover in Madagascar one Christmas. Upon finding the hapless Lemur shivering in the back of the sleigh after returning to the North Pole, Santa named him "Rudolpho" and adopted him into the North Pole community. Rudolpho aided Santa for a few Christmases, sneaking into houses and opening the chimney flues when required so Santa could get in. Eventually, though, Rudolpho yielded to a kleptomaniac urge and began stealing silverware... and jugs of Big K Grape Soda. Santa reluctantly discharged him on the spot, but Rudolpho has continued his irregular service nonetheless, breaking into houses and stealing the Big K Grape Soda and opening any chimney flues that need to be opened. If he should happen to be discovered, he flees by shaking up a bottle of Big K Grape Soda, opening it, and jetting off over the horizon. (If he gets thirsty in mid-flight he pulls a loop, fills a cup, and continues onwards.) ----------- (8) Who are the other Lemurs? In addition to Nigel and Rudolpho, various Lemurs have popped up in the Lemur legends and lore: J. Arthur Lemur, the Lawyer Lemur; Eddie the Lemur, who serves aboard a giant starship crewed mainly by rodents; and of course the various hordes of Lemurs who pop up here and there when least expected. Rocky the Lemur is said to live with Greg Morrow, and rumor has it that Sean Barrett is actually a lemur who lives with Sue Miller because she rubs his belly now and then. Who knows? Next time you're sending email, THINK! That person on the other side of the Internet connection might be a lemur too! ----------- (9) What's this I hear about a song called "Shock the Lemur?" We have it on good authority that Peter Gabriel's smash hit "Shock the Monkey" was originally titled "Shock the Lemur," but the Lemurs that were going to be used in the video escaped and robbed a local convenience store, making off with all of the Twinkies (tm) and Yoo-Hoo (tm) and wounding the clerk with a Nutty Buddy (tm). They were last seen heading toward Las Vegas, presumably drawn there by the sound of Wayne Newton's voice. Gabriel was forced to acquire the more well-tempered monkeys instead, and the rest is history. ----------- (10) What is "Lemur-B-Gon"? (paid advertisement for Lemur-B-Gon follows) BEFORE: Vance Kochenderfer says: I'm getting C's where I should be getting B's or better.. I'm just sick of school in general. Of course, the Lemurs banging on my window keep me awake at night, so I'm not as alert as I should be... AFTER CALLING Lemur-B-GON: Ever since I called Lemur-B-Gon, I have had no problems with Lemur infestations. Now they just bang on the window and whine and try to get in, but they'll never get in. Never. Even if they are armed with dynamite and blasting caps. Lemur-B-Gon has LemurPROOFED (tm) my home. Lemurs bugging you? Call Lemur-B-Gon at 1-800-LMR-B-GON. Guaran- teed to work or your Twinkies back! ----------- (11) Does Lemur-B-Gon _work_? From what we hear, they do good work. Vance Kochenderfer had to call Lemur-B-Gon when a bunch of the Lemurs were keeping him awake at night beating on his windows trying to get him to let them in. He knew better than to do that, as they would just have come inside and made even more noise playing with the kitchen applianc- es and asking him for his credit card number and expiration date so they could order cubic zirconium jewelry off QVC and the Home Shopping Network. Fortunately, Lemur-B-Gon came quickly and took care of the situation by bribing the Lemurs into the back of a closed van with some Ben 'n' Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream (it's banana ice cream with chocolate chunks). The Lemurs were then taken over to the local university library and released into the photocopier area where they busied themselves making photocopies of their body parts. ----------- (12) What do I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where Lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix? Stay calm, give them what they want, and then go prepare defenses for the next time. Keith Williams claims that Lemurs are deathly afraid of empty Burger King bags. In his words, "it's the '100% Recycled' content of the paper. Drives them nuts." Thus, college students who eat fast food a lot are probably safe from this kind of thing happening. If you encounted a Lemur roadblock, it'd probably be a good idea to go get some empty Burger King bags and leave them lying around on the floor of your car. ----------- (13) Can you get Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions? At times, the question has come up as to whether you can purchase used Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions: "Have they been auctioning off Lemurs, too?!? How much do they go for?!? Are they nice, new Lemurs or old, used, worn-out Lemurs? And do they also sell Lemur accessories?" And so forth. The best answer we have is this: Yes, you can occasionally get Lemurs at surplus auctions. Mostly they're the Lemurs that governments bought expecting that the new governmental Lemur specifications would be written in such-and-so a way and when it turned out that the first thing new governments do after reaching office was to toss out the Lemur specifications that had been left for implementation by the outgoing administrations. Thus, govern- ments are left with a bunch of Lemurs that had been bought under the old Lemur specifications. It's kinda like investing in a lot of TRS-80's ten years ago on the expectation that TRS-80's would be the standard. There are a lot of high schools sitting around with TRS-80's even as we speak. So yes, many governments do have all these Lemurs that, while completely serviceable, are nowhere close to meeting official State specs and thus, they're going for a song. All the accessories and support materials, too. Quite often, the Lemurs have never even been unpacked; they've been sitting in a warehouse getting fed three times a day for the last three years until a government gets around to selling them. ----------- (14) What is the "Lemurcon equation"? D. Harmon writes: You may have heard of a type of graph called a limacon, which is a graphed from the function r=a+b*cosh or r=a+b*sinh. What you probably haven't heard of is another similar type of function called a Lemurcon. This function is the equation l=e(mu*r), where l is the length of the radius, r is a constant which has several different values for each value of mu, and mu is the independent variable. For example, the graph of one type of Lemurcon equation would look like this: l | | | * * | * * * * * * *|* * * * * * | * * | * * * | * * - - -*- - - - - - - - - -*- - - - mu * | * * *|* * * | * * *|* * * * * | | | Since the discovery of Lemurcon equation is fairly recent, there is an opportunity to immortalize your name in history by discover- ing other graphs of the Lemurcon equation. :) ----------- (15) What should I do if I meet a Lemur? Mike Kohlhaa asks, On the off chance that I should see a Lemur here in Indiana, how should the Lemur be approached? If I offer him food and beer will he be friendly? Should I call the zoo? Might he join me in a game of hacky-sack? I guess I'm just wondering what type of temperament Lemurs have. Are they laid-back and fun-loving, or are they always on edge? Vance Kochenderfer replies, You should be okay if you offer him a Twinkie [tm]. Whatever you do, DO NOT say "frink" because you'll probably get the inflection wrong, and anger the Lemur. In general, though, I think Lemurs avoid Indiana as much as possible. They have an incredible fear of dumb ex-Vice Presidents. Joel Furr chimes in, The Lemur may surprise you by approaching _you_ before you can approach _it_. Chances of this happening are greatly increased should you be carrying one of the following with you: 1) Twinkies 2) Big K Grape Soda 3) Pictures of attractive Lemurs of the opposite sex 4) A ceiling light... especially the kind that hangs by a chain. Lemurs should NOT be given beer. Lemurs are generally mean drunks. They're much friendlier when they're on a sugar high. Encountering a Lemur is an unusual, but by no means risky happen- stance. With a little luck, a Lemur encountered in a park will likely become a close friend and will stick with you through thick and thin, or at least as long as the Twinkies hold out. ----------- (16) Were there Lemurs in Star Trek (tm)? Yes. As it happens, the T in James T. Kirk stands for "Tanan- arivo," the capital of Madagascar. Madagascar is home, of course, to 99% of the world supply of Lemurs, and as we all know, Gene Roddenberry was a huge Lemur fan. However, the producers wouldn't let him incorporate Lemurs into the cast because they were afraid that the clever, cunning little primates would somehow find a way to make the phasers, tricorders, and photon torpedoes actually *work*. Plus, in shooting of the pilot, "The Cafe," you can see Lemurs swinging by overhead on the restaurant lights during the scene in which Pike gets the Talosians to pick up the check. This was not a situation which Desilu wanted to see happen again so all Lemurs were banned from future shootings of the show. This was mentioned in Roddenberry's re-release of the reconstruct- ed pilot. (From the black-and-white footage + what they used on the TOS two-parter). As Roddenberry climbs into the transporter room at the end of the video, he says "For us, no Lemurs". Most people just ASSUME that he's saying "For us, no LIMITS". (And we ALL know that when you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME.) So this PROVES the Lemur theory which, from now on will be abbre- viated TLT (The Lemur Theory) or maybe TLP (The Lemur Proof) or maybe even TLL (The Lemur Law) or just TLTTLPTLL for short). ----------- (17) Is it unusual to dream about Lemurs? Henry Sanford Gibbons writes: I had a strange dream the other night, in which my girlfriend and I were in the middle of the Mojave Desert surrounded by giant man-eating Lemurs. I thought it quite remarkable at the time, so I was wondering if net-land had any comments about this rather disconcerting image. Vance Kochenderfer replies, I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I was transformed into a giant man-eating Lemur, and I was out in the Mojave Desert, and there were these two people there, a man and a woman, whom I did not know. And then I ate them. Draw your own conclusions. ----------- (18) How do Lemurs get into the USA? Vance Kochenderfer and Joel Furr run blackmarket Lemurs through the Port of New York three times yearly. In Joel Furr's words, "we disguise them as Hungarian piccolo players and put dark shades on them and we usually don't get caught." Furr adds, "but then there was that time the customs people had that big box of Twinkies sitting next to the gate..." ----------- (19) Are Lemurs controlling the minds of alt.folklore.urban readers, forcing them to insert the word "Lemur" into the keywords lines of their posts? Yes. ----------- (20) How can you keep your local Lemurs entertained? Here's a suggestion from Dave Budd: Go to your nearest zoo. Stand in front of the Lemurs. Juggle. They will be fascinated by this action, but it's a waste of time trying to teach them how to do it. The big cats quite like it as well, but they're not so impressed when you drop. ----------- (21) Have Lemurs appeared in any court cases? Just one that we've found so far: In United States v Buettner-Janusch (1980, SD NY) 500 F Supp 1285, affd on other grounds (CA2 NY) 646 F2d 759, cert den 454 US 830, 70 L Ed 2d 107, 102 S Ct 126--a prosecution for possession of methaqualone with intent to distribute in violation of 21 USCS @ 841(a)(1), based on six plastic jars containing meth- aqualone in various stages of purification, which were seized from the defendant's laboratory during a gov- ernment search--the court held the evidence more than sufficient to sustain the guilty verdict and denied the defendant's motion for judgment of acquittal or a new trial. The court noted that the defendant and his co-conspirators, who allegedly were involved in Lemur research, had purchased enough raw material to make sufficient methaqualone to drug all the Lemurs in the United States and keep them in a perpetual state of euphoria... ----------- (22) How do monkeys compare with Lemurs? A quote from Rev. John (C521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu): Lemurs! I used to be a volunteer at the zoo in Mem- phis. They had an island there (well, a small hillock surrounded by water) on which a number of monkeys were kept -- hence, Monkey Island. The monkeys had a tendency to escape, however; at one point numerous ones did so and fled the zoo. Most were caught climb- ing up the side of a tall apartment complex across the street. After this, the zoo replaced the monkeys with Lemurs, who were much less inclined to escape. As a volunteer, I and my co-workers spent many lunch breaks watching the Lemurs running about the little island in their trademark loping gait. We coined a simple verb to describe their action : "leeming", or "to leem," which is to run about like a Lemur. ----------- (23) Can Lemurs in zoos escape? The answer comes from S. Mudgett: The last time I went to the zoo, all we did to the Lemurs was give them apple chunks. the baby Lemurs were small enough to leave the cages by squeezing between the bars, and came out to visit. A zookeeper told us they didn't have any cages that a baby Lemur couldn't get out of. Further data comes from Torsten Wesley Adair: When the Lied (Indoor) Jungle opened at the Henry Dorley Zoo last April, the Lemurs discovered a way to exit the "jungle" and sit outside on the roof. This was corrected, but they still have the run of the place, I believe. I have never been approached by one, but I have been introduced to an Iguana. ----------- (24) What do Lemurs in zoos like to eat? Another quote from Rev. John (C521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu): We never fed the Lemurs twinkies, or threw them food for that matter. As I recall they ate Purina Monkey Chow or some such ... plus some fruits I think that the keepers gave them. At other parts of the zoo we sold carrots and stuff for llamas, bears, and other such critters. But not for Lemurs. For all I know they would have happily gnawed on Burl Ives records. ----------- (25) If you feed the Lemurs, what's likely to happen? Siobhan Harper explains: I begged them not to tell the keeper, and they agreed, as long as I kept bringing them fruit. Then it esca- lated -- they began demanding cigarettes, jewelry, expensive electronics, and 18-year-old Scotch. They threatened to expose me to the primate keeper when I couldn't afford their demands anymore, and that's when I changed my name, moved to Seattle, and took a job at Microsoft. Somehow, they found out my phone number, though, and every once in a while, I get a call late in the night. My heart leaps into my throat when I hear that soft "Whooo, whooo" on the other end, know- ing it's only a matter of time until they catch up with me. --------------- (26) Why did Chris Thompson get committed to a mental hospital? Quoth Chris Thompson (ak051@yfn.ysu.edu): >I was at the zoo one day, standing looking at the lemur cage. The >lemurs were going wild jumping around and frinking loudly. I >noticed one of the lemurs (He looked to be a lemur leader) had >Mr. Underhill's American express card and was trying to jimmy the >lock to the cage. I was unsure of their problem. It was then that >I noticed they were being fed big bowls of dry crusty Lemur Chow, >and this little kid was standing next to me EATING A TWINKIE!!! > >I immediately slapped the twinke to the ground, picked it up and >tossed it into the cage. I turned to the kid and yelled "MY GOD >MAN! WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING!?! ONE OF THEM HAS A >CREDIT CARD!!" then, to the lemurs "I'll BE RIGHT BACK WITH SOME >BIG-K!!" > >After the cops released me from psychiatric lockup, I did go back >and slide a couple of two liters of Big K Grape and a case of >twinkies under the cage. > >The Lemur Leader saw me and came over. I looked at him and said >"Frink." Somehow I got the intonation right because he looked at >me and nodded sagely and said "Ptang." ----------- (27) Is it wise to publicly express a fondness for Lemurs over the Internet? After Joel Furr said "I'd like to hug a Lemur," Robert O'Brien spoke up: Careful! The ones that sometimes hang around my patio and read the screen thru the window and over my shoul- der were here again tonight, and after your message scrolled by I heard them making chattering type noises for a while, then they all took off toward the phone lines - they *may* know how to track down your ad- dress. (28) What's that "Joey the Lemur, Friend of Mankind" song they did on Mystery Science Theatre 3000? JOEY THE LEMUR Tom Servo: It's Joey the Lemur, the friend to Mankind, our furry sort of monkey friend who really does shine Joel: It's Joey the Lemur, he's really fun to have around to huggle and to talk to and fun fun fun [note: Joel appears to be whacked out on goof- balls, we couldn't get a better translation than this.] Crow: Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere, Joey the Lemur, what kind of heck of animal is he any- way?! Uh... Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere. Joel: Wait a minute, hold it! Crow: Huh? There's more! Joel: This is the Lemur. Native to the Philippines and Madagascar, uh... and fictional planets like Nova. He is a clean, gregarious, and good pet. Joey the Lemur: You said it, pal! Oh boy, pal of mine, you're the one for me! Tom Servo: Uh oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine! Joey the Lemur: Can it, fireplug! I've had enough out of you! Tom Servo: Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks! Joey the Lemur: I've got a story to tell! Oh boy, will I ever, I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried of the animal world, I don't mind telling you. You know, I'm the clown prince of the primate world who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpan- zee. But don't make any mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, only that I wish.... here's wishing they'd throw a little more work our way, alright? Crow: Lemur, the Lemur, L-E-M-U-R. Joey the Lemur: Hey, who's this bird-dog-thing, I don't like him! Tom Servo: L is for Lemur! Joey the Lemur: L is for Lemur, 'nuff said! Crow: E is for EAT! Joey the Lemur: E is for eat. I eat four times my own weight in nuts and berries, which has its consequences, but go figure! Crow: M is for MONKEY! Joey the Lemur: Monkey. I'm often mistaken for a monkey. It goes with the turf, let's go! Tom Servo: U is for UNUSUAL! Crow: And UNPREDICTABLE! Joey the Lemur: Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on Johnny Carson's sportcoat-- I don't panel well. Okay, on with the show! Tom Servo: R is for RADICAL! Crow: And RAMBUNCTIOUS! Joey the Lemur: Randy as a jackrabbit, that's me alright! Whoooooo! Tom Servo: Yes, it's the splendiferous Lemur.... Crow: ...friend to all Mankind! Joey the Lemur: Please consider me as a possible corporate sym- bol or mascot suitable and fine for any profes- sional or semi-professional sport team. Crow & Tom Servo: It's the Crow: magnificent Tom Servo: splendiferous Crow & Tom Servo: LEEEMURRR!! Joey the Lemur: I, the Lemur, beg you to consider me. I am willing to travel and would make an excellent companion for any elderly or unelderly elderly person. Gentlemen, please consider me. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. --------------- Lemur Humor is continued in Part 2 of the FAQ, "Part 2 of 6 -- Lemur Humor Part Two". ------------------------------------------------------------------ Prepared January 31, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu Revised February 15, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu