Usenet 1994 January/usenetsourcesnewsgroupsinfomagicjanuary1994.iso/answers/tasteless-faq

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From: [e-mail] (Saint Ool)
Subject: Welcome to alt.tasteless! (Monthly Posting)
Summary: The alt.tasteless FAQ
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Date: Tue, 14 Dec 1993 11:10:28 GMT
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Archive-name: tasteless-faq
[110 lines of intro (takes 2 min. to read -without laughing), 890 lines of info]

                     WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS

1. What is alt.tasteless?

A newsgroup devoted to tasteless phenomena in all its forms.
A place for people with a twisted and sick sense of humour.
In alt.tasteless we like to get into the details: short jokes have their forum
in alt.tasteless.jokes, we want the feel of it, the smell of it, the stench of
it, every little rotten and puss-oozing detail. And then of course some rough
gifs of it in alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless or alt.tasteless.pictures. You
should never post gif's to the group, as it might cause some news admins to kill
the group at his site.

Some examples of popular alt.tasteless posts:

The joys of raping epeleptics / the dead / pregnants / minors / small furry
animals with big wet eyes.

'The worst (scrotal/nasal/rectal) operation I've ever had'.

The joys of vomiting / farting / pissing / shitting / picking your nose /
masturbating / menses / giving birth to children / sweating / slobbering.

Tasteless sex acts.

  But tastes differ even within the tasteless kingdom. Some like a story of
a little boy sitting on the throne shouting 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!'
whereas others favour the weeping spastic on the toilet, desperately struggling
not to miss the bowl screaming 'Me go plop-plop!  Me go plop-plop!'. The first
is a simple example of pleasure in taking a dump (which is per definition
tasteless -not to say forbidden: things you shouldn't talk about coming out a
hole you shouldn't talk about making a sound you should discuss in every
detail..er, sorry making a sound you shouldn't talk about). The second example
brings more sophistication and delicacy into the sordid affair, and is thus
labelled as being more 'mature', the name of the label apparently chosen because
innocent children (or innocent adults, for that matter) will not find it funny,
except perhaps the 'plop-plop!' bit. This difference in taste was debated a
while ago and ended thus:

**
A person asks:
>I'm confused. Could someone explain the concept of intelligent,
>mature tastelessness.

tpehrson answers:
original, non-monotonous material, either based on fact or vividly graphic
or repulsive image provking, command of spelling and grammar to the level
of comprehensible.

examples of !(not)tastelessness:  boring fiction, recycled fraternity jokes,
excessive pointless profanity, vanilla sex, elementary playground 'eww gross'
urban legends, license plates, funny names, john young, flaming w/o abhorrent
metaphors and/or insults to mother's sexual integrity.

of course i'm no authority on the matter, but at least i'm not a festering
bag of puss; the result of copulation between my mother and a handful of
earthworms.
**
  Additionally, please note that this is not alt.tacky or alt.bad.taste. This
means that merely saying 'Bee Gees, ha ha ha' is not enough, you will generally
have to couple it with something really tasteless to make other people laugh.
And yes, we have heard zillions of puke and huge bowel movement stories. But
don't let that keep you from posting one, much rather this should raise your
ambitions and thus the quality of your story.

  Then having sussed out that your post is too interesting, intelligent, sick,
twisted and funny to be wasted in alt.tasteless.jokes, rec.humor, alt.evil,
sci.med, alt.stupidity, alt.sex.bestiality, alt.urban.legend, soc.college and so
on, you choose alt.tasteless and post. The group is unmoderated and the subject
line of your article will be seen by approx. 60000 people worldwide. WOW!
What will happen next?

1. Some will ignore it.
2. Some will read part of it, then skip to the next article.
3. Some will read the whole thing.
4. Maybe one or more person(s) will reply to you telling you what they thought
   of the article. They might even follow it up if they have something to add.

This is sadly the ideal picture. People will follow-up even though they have
nothing to add, although you have to suffer from a severe case of tasteless
talent and luck to ever experience case 4. Some very good tasteless posts have
generated absolutely no response, or in other words the same response as you'd
get if you wrote it on a piece of paper only to flush it out the toilet. Then
why post?
Because you fucking feel like it!

   Every now and then a dickless weasel constipated on his own religion or set
of values will bother the noble freethinkers in a.t. with his standard 'This is
not funny' drivel. Best thing is to ignore him, next to mailing him with the
likewise standard reply 'Then why do you read it?'. A follow-up is not a good
solution here, unless you choose to flame him to ashes in such an inspired way
that the readers of alt.tasteless also benefits (hint hint). You are then
strongly encouraged to set the follow-up tag to 'Follow-up To: alt.flame'. This
formal information may make alt.tasteless seem like a terribly boring place, but
all the stuff that has been recommended (not commanded!) thus far has been
recommended in order to make the newsgroup (believe it or not) more chaotic, and
not a boring newsgroup with 3 month cycles.

    It's our hope that you'll now feel WELCOME IN ALT.TASTELESS!

The rest of this document is dedicated to your education and amusement, but if
you wish to perform chapter skipping/browsing, tell your editor search for the
character '|', and it'll take you to the next chapter. In the nn newsreader
this can be done by pressing '/', '|' and '[ENTER]'.
The items on the menu are:
O  A boring dictionary.
O  An informative encyclopedia.
O  An amusing 'Answers to Frequently Asked Questions' part.
O  A terribly unjust and flawed 'Who's Who?'/resource guide section.
O  A mailorder service.
O  Some not all that amusing but still worthwhile information.

THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK/DICTIONARY.

       This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people generally new to
the net. -And finally sorted with a bit more respect to the alfabet:

:-) Tilt your head to the right. Yep, it's a cock about to penetrate. Figures
    like this one is used when people have just said something naughty, sort of
    a "Know what I mean know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink say no more say
    no more"
*[word]*: Asteriks are used either for *emphasis*, or to indicate that it's a
          sound...like *plop* *plop* *plop* ("Buaah, I want to die because I'm
          a spastic").
AKA: Also known as
AMPALLANG: Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally
           above the urethra and has origins in Borneo.
APADRAVYA: Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft
           of the penis just behind the glans. Mentioned in the original Kama
           Sutra.
ARCHIE: A database. News.answers is, as usual, helpful with a monthly posting.
        Another way to find out more is to mail [e-mail] with the
        Subject: 'help'.
ASAP: As soon as possible
BEARS:  Person, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend toward the
        husky and hirsute.
BTW: By the way
CASCADE: Netnews' public chain letter. Add a line and feel proud.
DURIAN: Large oval tasty but foul-smelling fruit with a prickly rind. Comes from
        an East Indian tree, who shall remain nameless.
DYDOE: Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the side of the
       head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by Jewish men
       who wished to enhance their sexual pleasure (which they thought had been
       diminished by circumcision).
FECO-STALAGMITE: Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting
                 in the bowl of clogged toilets.
FELCHING: Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum and arsehole belongs
          to is up to your imagination and health standards. If you have trouble
          reaching, use a straw. The Kakasutra will tell a bit more.
FRENUM: Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside just behind the
        glans. Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge of the
        glans is worn through this piercing. This provides stimulation to both
        partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring.
FTP: File Transfer Protocol. The program that makes it possible for you to get
     stuff stored at other sites, be it Gifviewers or demented stories.
     News.answers has a monthly posting about FTP'ing. You can also send mail to
     [e-mail] with the body of the message reading "help" or
     "send usenet/news.answers/finding-sources"
GIF: Graphic Interchange Format. A picture format common on the net.
     news.answers has an informational posting on the alt.binaries.pictures
     groups where all is explained.
GUICHE: Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the scrotum.
        A weight is often suspended from a guiche.
HAFADA: Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done to Arab boys
        as a rite of passage.
HAGGIS: Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheeps paunch with grinded
        intestines, barley and a shot of scotch.
IMHO: In my hog-fucking opinion.
IRC: Inter Relay Conference, a program that lets you 'talk' to other users. Your
     site might have it, type 'irc' and see what happens. You will might stumble
     into tasteless discussions. The 1st global alt.tasteless IRC party lasted
     for around 6 hours with a total of 67 participants.
JIC: Just in case.
JPEG or JPG: Another digital picture format. Like gif. News.answers and the
             groups in the alt.binaries.pictures hierarcy has monthly postings
             on the subject.
KAKA SUTRA: Affectionate name for 'The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts'.
KILL FILE: A feature in most newsreaders. If you put a person in your kill file,
           your newsreader will ignore articles by that person. Read the man
           pages of your newsreader to find out how it works, or ask locally.
           After the introduction of kill files there's absolutely no excuse
           for wasting other peoples time with sour 4-line follow-ups.
LJBF: "Let's just be friends". Sentence usually utterred by girl when offered a
      good squicking.
MOTSS: Member of the same sex.
OOBE: Out Of Body Experience. Something you experience during a very good shit.
PRINCE AlBERT: Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through the urethra
               and out behind the glans.
QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.
QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoris hood.
REAMING: Getting fucked vigorously up the colon.
RIMMING: Sphinchter licking.
RTFM: Read the fucking manual. In alt.tasteless this will almost always be the
      alt.tasteless Kama Sutra (See Mailorder).
SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote'.
SO: Significant other, will generally mean your loved one.
SQUICKING: See this post or 'Tasteless sex acts'.
TWINK(IE): Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as "golden,
           cream-filled, and ready to be eaten."  (Etymology:  In the US,
           Twinkies(tm) are snack cakes with these same properties.)
VOMIT-STALACTITE: aka Stalactovomite, the result of puking on the cieling.
WRT: With reference/respect to.


| ENCYCLOPEDIA HORRIBLIUS

ASSWIPING
Most male alt.tastelessers wipe back to front. All look at the paper after the
wipe and some taste it and kiss it.

CHOAD
A long-neglected and abused synonym for "penis", the word "choad" dates back a
good long time.  We think maybe it's from Middle English but we're all too
damned lazy to check the OED.  Anyway, while kept barely alive during the '60's
and '70's by underground comics, the word "choad" has recently enjoyed a
resurrection and a re-erection on alt.tasteless.  The tireless literary antics
of David Garrett and Adam Thornton (see the Who's Who section) have nearly
succeeded in revamping the word, bringing it to its full turgid glory.  It has
been reported that Beavis and Butthead have been known to use the word "choad"
and the more common compound noun "choadsmoker" to mean, roughly, "a gobbler of
nobs." The next time you're about to casually toss off a reference to a "willy",
a "wankie", a "dick", a "Throbbing PleasureProng (TM)", a "Purple-Headed
SnotNazi (TM)", or a "schlong", think again, and substitute the word "choad"
instead.  Become a Friend of the Choad:  make it possible for the choad to once
again roam the vocabularies of the world, its head held proudly erect.

DOGS
Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter of almost
any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons, condoms and socks.
It might be a profound wish for another tail that makes the dogs eat these
objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their puss-oozing and mite ridden
asses. They're also familar with shitting and vomiting in the living room. the
life of a canine is one long party.


DRUGS
A recommendation: Take all, and in as large quantities as possible.
We especially recommend Dimethyl Sulfate. Not only does it randomly unwind and
reform your DNA profile, it has also "been known to cause spontaneous cancerous
lesions in rats". The official warning continues:
"Extremely hazardous. No warning characteristics (e.g. odour, irritation).
Delayed appearance of symptoms may permit unnoticed exposure to lethal
quantities. Liquid produces severe blistering, necrosis of the skin... Vapours,
after relatively asymptomatic latent period, cause severe inflammation and
necrosis of the eyes, mouth, respiratory tract. Severe and fatal pulmonary
damage may result. Systematically causes prostration, convulsions, delerium,
paralysis, coma, delayed damage to kidneys, liver, heart with ensuing death in
severe cases" - "have a big night on DMS and come home in a bucket"


EXPLOSIVES
We will of course help you getting disfigured enough for us to be amused, so
here's what you do if you're too afraid to ask the alt.pyrotechnics experts how
to make acetone peroxide or some other funny stuff:
  Get US Army Technical Manual 31-210 1969 "Improvised Munitions Handbook":
The Improvised Munitions Handbook generally gets okay reviews; it
contains a whole bunch of recipes for making explosives etc. out of handy
chemicals. You can get it from several sources, gun shows, or for $5 from
Sierra Supply.
  Sierra Supply, PO Box 1390 Durango, CO 81302 (303)-259-1822.
Sierra sells a bunch of army surplus stuff, including technical
manuals such as the Improvised Munitions Handbook.
Sierra has a $10 minimum order + $4 postage.  Catalog $1.
  I believe Paladin press also distribute this series and they will mail
overseas.

Other good sources are The Poor Mans James Bond, and The Anarchists Cookbook.
They can be found in most large bookshops.


JOKES
alt.tasteless.jokes is now taking care of all the short jokes. And rec.humor
has the "Canonical List of [rude, mommy mommy, dead baby etc. etc.] jokes".
Ask them.


NAMBLA
The North American Man/Boy Love Association is a civil rights/political
organization.  They support CONSENSUAL intergenerational relationships and help
educate society about the true nature of such relationships. NAMBLA publishes a
Bulletin ten times a year which is sent by first class mail to its members. (It
includes news, feature articles, letters, book reviews, short stories, etc.)
They also publish a literary Journal (literary gifted alt.tastelessers take
note, this might be your way to fame), books and other material (all of which
are strictly legal). For further discussions contact Roy Radow ([e-mail]
or [e-mail]). He is their spokesperson on the net. For a packet
containing a sample Bulletin, publications list and membership information send
$1.00 postage to: NAMBLA Info, Dept.RR, PO Box 174, Midtown Station, NYC NY
10018.


SMEGMA
A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and the glans of
the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few have the nerve to coat their
tongue with it or swallow it. A shame really as this homegrown product easily
outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses made from milk (except the cheese
made from dingo's milk).

SQUICKING (see also 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
The pratice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious.
Skull fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove your
partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingy. A proper squicking requires
you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your partners skull) and pork its
brain this way. Aiming for the gap between the two hemispheres is said to
provide you with firestorming orgasms. Geoff Miller comments: I posted that a
year ago, and I *made it up!* I just figured that was the only activity that
would make a "squicking" noise, with the possible exception of slipping the
salami to a sucking chest wound. Mr. Miller himself prefers the basic squicking
where the hole is located at the top of the head. Caza (a french comic artist)
has this description accompaining a picture of prime squicking: 'The wound that
never heals, the scar after the sacrificial act gaped rosy red and soft, shining
and new...infinitely virginal ... Having bathed a whole world in blood,
commander Aries defiled Lailahs brow with his spunk'. The name of the comic is
'Lailah' and it also has a good story about a man getting raped by a frog/woman.
If you like Corben, this might be a comic for you. Scott M Hampton has also
mentioned 'Woulffes Guide To Practical Squicking' as a fine introduction to
squicking. It goes like this:

Tools: A hammer and chisel, a quarter round wood rasp, a hand drill with
at least a 3/8" metal cutting bit (not a spade drill, damn it), and a ink pen.

Supplies: A partner, and suitable restraints. You may want some rags.

Preperation: Tie partner (victim, partner, the difference is a subtle thing
best left to linguists with free time. There's fun to be had now.) securely.
Make certain the forehead is available and clean. Make a horizontal line
about 2" above the eyebrows. Mark the center of the line between your
partners eyebrows. Assemble tools, placing drill bit securely in chuck. Plug
drill in. Get a beer, prepare yourself mentally. This is going to be great!

Proceedure: Drill hole thru skull at mark on forehead. Using chisel and
hammer, open the hole up to about 1/4" larger than your ManTool (TM Geoff).
Then, use the rasp to knock off the rough spots -- no sense getting any
scratches or scrapes on the ol Piston of Love. At this point you can pause and
remove the restraints on your partner 'cause they aren't moving much by now.
Position your partner for maximum comfort and pleasure -- no, you idiot --
YOUR pleasure. Harumph.

Now, slide your engorged PleasureSnake slowly between your partners frontal
hemispheres. The involuntary twitches this produces are one of the most
pleasant sensations known to man. Real men, that is. If you were a neatness
weinie and wiped up all the external blood, it may take a while for the
internal bleeding to make the ride smooth, but otherwise there is plenty
of lube for the job right at hand. Pump hearty, you are in for the orgasm
of a lifetime!

Clean up: Dispose of partner in an environmentally sound way, such as roast
and stew meat. Happy eating!

The variations are of course endless. The guru in this field is Geoff Miller
([e-mail]). But please do only contact him in expert
matters concerning squicking, as he cannot spend time learning newbies vanilla
squicking.

Squick is also used as a synonyme for 'being pushed beyond ones limits'
in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using the word
'Squick' in posts completely devoid of any skull-fucking related activity
(i.e.: 'That article really squicked me' or 'He squicked my arsehole')


THE STOOL GAME
(From 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
[e-mail]:
                        THE STOOL GAME
                        official rules
Two men sit in front of each other in a bathtub wanking. When the spunk/
water amount is 50:50, you start playing. Both put their feet on the sides
of the bathtub, and try to push their stool as far out as they can,
without losing it. It's extremely funny pushing it far out, then pulling it
in again, and many experience a wonderful orgasm during this play.
The winner is the man that can push the stool the most far out, and then
still be able to retract it.

One suggested variation is to trade a stool back and forth, the loser being the
one to "drop" the stool. Not to be confused with the almost similar Wicca
ritual.

URINE
Can just as shit be percieved by all 5 senses and the special 6th bodily fluid
sense that the old time alt.tastelesser unavoidably develops, so I will not go
into detail with the rancid bladdersplash itself. Rather the info will concern
its sterility; can we safely drink it? Yes, we can.

    How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of things,
the most important being the concentration of waste products in this wine for
gods. If you drink someones urine after they've had a sixpack, your kidneys
will not be overworked with the extra waste products, but it may not then have
the desired taste/smell/consistency. To help your kidneys you should always
drink a lot of water after your pee games. You could for example follow the
piss quaffing up with the drowning games (I for one, always tend to drink a lot
of water during these).

   The berserkers (rough translation:  The Bear Vests) were a happy tribe of
vikings in Denmark around year 800 that had a habit of going berserk. My
history book informs me that they used the alkaloid amanitin found in the
mushroom Amanita. The trick was to boil the mushroom, let the strongest warrior
drink the stuff, and have the other drink his piss, a trick also known among
siberian, lappish and finnish tribes.  The participants got moderately stoned
and generally managed some transcendental experience. This practice is
described as limited exclusively to men. The mushroom, Amanita Muscaria/Fly
Agaric/Fluesvamp produces less nausea when it has been filtered in another
humans body. Most people dismiss the idea that the mushroom was used to induce
berserker rage, as the mushroom doesn't work that way. The prospect of killing,
raping and mutilating other human beings should be sufficient. If you're going
to eat mushrooms, drink piss etc., stick to the mushrooms with psilocybes in
them. They are much more effective.

      The most famous peedrinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi. His mornings
would start with him emptying his pottie in a good swig, allegedly for 'The
health of the spirit'. Truly the sign of a great statesman. Prime Minister
Morarji Desai followed in the piss trickle and drank piss each morning when he
reigned (1977-1979). Lucky were the other leaders that had conversations with
him on mornings where he had forgot to brush his teeth. No information as to the
pee drinking habits of the current indian prime minister. Why drink pee then?

  The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning urine in particular,
contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone produced by the epiphyse
during the night. Apart from having a soothing and painkilling effect
melatonine also cheats the body into believing that it has slept more than it
actually has. This manifests itself as a feeling of well-being and refreshment.
The piss of sexually immature children contains more melatonine than adult piss,
which explains the exhilaration one feels when lapping up infant piss. I have
for one always been sure that the happiness wasn't just psychological. So Maybe
you should spend more time as I: lurking in the bushes near the playground
forcing the kids to piss in my smurf beer mug. You'll feel much better and much
more equanimous. Cheers.

  Oh, and while we're at it. Don't eat asparagus before drinking your pee.
Asparagus has an amino acid in it that makes your yellow drops smell horribly,
as well as changing the taste. And don't drink piss from a person with a
contagious disease unless you really want it. Speaking of that, Mitch Davis
([e-mail]) is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask
him anything wee wee related you like, he'll be happy to help you.

VEGEMITE
    -can be bought in some health stores and isn't really the canned stool
sample that rumour claim it is. Here are some first hand experiences with the
edible caca:  "I too have had vegemite. I found a stock in a "health food"
store. US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5 calories per serving". It
has an odd, purply-brown color, and a smooth, thick, sticky texture. The
"axle-grease" association is accurate. It does indeed have quite a strong
salty, yeasty flavor, and you had better spread it on _very_ thinly. I think it
looks like a substance from my native land called "catfish dough bait", only
said bait is a bit grainier, not as creamy. Catfish dough bait has a thick,
liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to be a compound of mud, blood and
pureed liver. On a hot day, opening the tub of dough bait and inhaling deeply
could give you vertigo and motion sickness. I find it hard to believe that
"marmite" has a stronger, more vicious taste than vegemite. "Vegemite" has a
pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of the yeast extract, it tends to come
back to you later, in belches. It's also one of those foods with such a
peculiar taste that no matter what you eat after- wards, vegemite is the taste
that sticks with you."

"It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with what looks
like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement."

  "Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that Marmite is the
only real yeast extract worth eating. Vegemite is for wimps, while
Marmite is for real men. It has a much stronger, more vicious
aftertaste than Vegemite."

  "It was the grossest thing I ever tasted. It's
about as thick as peanut butter, and to say it tastes like shit would
be an understatement."

INGREDIENTS:
Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is left over after the beer brewing
process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt extract, caramel color,
natural flavor, niacin, thiamine hydorchloride, riboflavin.

Serving size: 3.25 gram
Servings per container: 35  (big lie: I ate about a third of the container,
and it was well over 100 servings)
Cheese and vegemite sandwiches are so common in Australia that the manufacturer
(Kraft) now sells premixed cheese&vegemite slices (they are a greyish colour,
and very nice between buttered white bread, possibly with some lettuce)

ObTrivia:  Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a short time
was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!).
"Vegemite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s(?).
Let it also be known that Vegemite is available in 99% of Australian
shops that stock spreads. IE, if the shop has jam, honey or peanut
butter, then it almost certainly has vegemite as well.

YEAST
Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal yeast infections are a riot.
The infection occurs when the usual healthy balance between the yeast and the
bacteria in the vagina disappears. Taking antibiotics can alter this balance.
The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus acidophillus (yogurt culture) and
shove it up your cunt. The idea of 'tank war' (a fine stripper act) might have
started when a group of yeast infected women could think of nothing better than
to walk like crabs, and using their vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each
other.
Men too can get yeast infections on the counterproductive organ, especially if
he has a good sized foreskin. Yeast infections love these nobby hide-outs. It's
warm, it's moist, and there's a lot of smegma to thrive on. Yeast infections
usually shows up after some days of hefty wanking and dubious hygiene as a
reddish raddish. If you're not a spoil sport and start washing the glans with
hospital soap, you can watch as the rash turns into little red sores that'll
itch more and more. Before good soap was invented the cure was to hold the
foreskin closed when pissing until it was bloated with piss as a frogs airbag is
bloated with air, then let fly all over yourself and the toilet. Stuff in the
urine should then clean out the yeast.  Male yeast infections:  For the biggest
effect do the Macbeth routine and wash your nob hysterically so it's gets
completely dried out and itchy for some time, until the body responds and
produces vast amounts of smegma to get the balance right again.  This is good,
but if you relentlessly roll the foreskin back and forth while you fondle the
back of your testicles with your left hand, some sticky stuff will suddendly
come out. Smear this on the sore coverred nob, and repeat until all skin has
been peeled of the raddish.


|ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/USEFUL INFORMATION:

 1. My .uk site doesn't carry alt.tasteless, what can I do about it?

There are several reasons why you might be unable to read
alt.tasteless at a .uk site. The site may impose local censorship
(likely at academic (!) sites) or you may be receiving your news via UUCP
or other store and forward network which has been censored at an
upstream site.
  To get alt.tasteless at an Internet or JANET site, try grovelling at
the feet of your news admin. When that fails, your best bet is to
find someone whose feed is uncensored and arrange a mail feed. This
may be in violation of local regulations so beware. I disclaim all
responsibility if this gets you into trouble.
  The majority of the rest of users will be receiving news via UUCP.
Most likely, the reason a.t is not getting through is due to
censorship at the UK's main backbone site, uknet (formerly ukc) at
the University of Kent, Canterbury. Recently, however, another route
into the country has been provided by Pipex. It has the advantages of
being uncensored and cheaper. The lower rates will probably appeal to
the local powers that be and so you might have more luck arranging
for a feed via Pipex. If they are unmoved, try going for a mail feed,
bearing in mind the above caveats.
  Posting to a.t can sometimes be achieved by mailing the message to
[e-mail]. This is unreliable, however;
postings made to alt groups sometimes disappear without trace.
Another way to post is to use anon.penet.fi. To do this, send mail with the
header 'help' to [e-mail]

You can also do it the hard way by doing a

telnet sol.ctr.columbia.edu 119


   2. Is there an alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless archive site?

      No! You can't get nasty gifs via ftp. No site will store them. But sick
individuals will, so your best chance is to get friendly with such a person (and
alt.tasteless is just the right place) and have him send you pictures of
fecallatio, genital surgery, coy children, whatever.


   10. How come I can't get alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless?

       Ask the news admin at your site. And try not to look guilty when you do
it. He'll most probably tell you that it takes up too much diskspace.


 5302. What is this shit eating picture, that everybody keeps referring to?

       Probably hb2a.gif or hb6.gif, the most common names for two pictures of a
woman pinching a loaf into the mouth of a man. It's sort of an alt.tasteless
idol, and it appears under many names. Personally I've glued the two together
and called it crap.gif. But they're quite good, actually.
       The woman is supposedly the french "actress" Catherine Ringer. She used
to do porn movies and, according to her, she continued fucking with her co-stars
between scenes cause she liked it (porn magazine kliche #1). She is now the lead
singer of a popular french band named Rita Mitsouko, who has had lots of
international hits. One of the gimmicks she used when they started the band, was
to throw used tampons at the audience during performances. A sort of female G.G.
Allin, one might say.


  11. Are there any jokes you don't want to hear?

      Yes. Most. Especially "Because his dick tastes of blood", "Hearing the
pelvic bone snap", "Oops, I farted" and the all the other short jokes. They
belong in alt.tasteless.jokes. In alt.tasteless we want only the best and most
original material.


  27. Aren't you all a bunch of 15 year old wankers?

      A 1992 survey fixed the average a.t subscribers age at 27 years (and a
1993 survey fixed the average weight at 200 pounds, but that's an altogether
different matter). The critique of the group can easily be divided into two
categories, and for your benefit I have included both the critique and the
resulting discussions:

                          The offended
                               1.
A: I'm offended by a.t in general / some specific article.
Brief: Yes...? / And...? / So what? / Buzz off, cunt!
Nice: It's your god-given right to be offended. Be as offend as you wish. And if
you have something to say within the charter of this newsgroup, don't hesitate
to post.
Practical: In nn, press 'n' to exit an article and 'U' to unsubscribe. Goodbye.
Eager: The why did you read all the way through 'Genital Warts'? Maybe you like
it and just won't admit it? Maybe bla. bla. bla.
                               2.
A: Don't post such stuff!
Brief: Why?
Nice: Hey, the net is brimming with nice, warm fluffy newsgroups. Don't waste
your time in this one.
Practical: Don't read such stuff!
Eager: Well, we like to...unlike you, a [lots of abuse, the fuel of beaten-to-
death-discussions]
                               3.
A: Why? Because I'm offended [Start all over again]
   Why? Because: [Pulls his personal value-moral package out of his hat]
Brief: Ha ha ha, what a small and pathetic thing.
Nice: Well, the package might work for you, but do not assume that you can
convince the a.t subscribers that it's the right one for them.

                             Behave!
                               1.
A: This group is only of value to infantile youngsters.
Brief: Yes. / No, I'm not an infantile youngster, and I like it.
Nice: Hardly boys, we're 27...
Practical: IF infantile youngster THEN subscribe. Welcome.
           IF NOT infantile youngster THEN unsubscribe. Goodbye.
Eager: Is that why you read it? Your type bla. bla. bla., so maybe you bla and
bla and blah.

I have never seen any of the discussions run further than this. The Offended
will most probably end in abuse, and Behave! will never get anywhere. The two
critique-makers will never get to promoting their own value-moral package.
So, what is your aim in these discussions?
If you are the person beating on a.t and its readers your aim is to get as many
Eager follow-ups as possible. Then you'll have a lot to follow-up to yourself,
and you will know that a number of people used some of their time responding to
something you have written.
If you are an a.t defender you have an easy oppurtunity to show the group what a
brave and cool dude you are. If you do so, please think of your audience.
If you are a reader, you know that nothing new will show up in the discussion,
your only hope being that the abuse will start early on and be very well-written
and graphic. The thumb rule in these discussions is: Don't think that you add
anything new, just make sure not to waste anybodys time completely.

On invading other newsgroups: Please consider if it will be fun enough. Usually
it won't.


   9. What is the gerbil-and-meat grinder story?

      None of your business. You can get the Roadkill calendar by sending 7$ to

                                    Jeanie M
                                    Box 52
                                    Valhalla, NY 10595

   and the "Penises of the Animal Kingdom" poster is 8.95$ + 2$ shipping from:

           Scientific Novelty  Co.
           Post Office   Box  673
           Bloomington, IN  47402
           [phone].

Featured on this poster are the penises of the human, dog, hyena, ram,
giraffe, goat, porpoise, pig, horse, bull, elephant, and a whale -
appropriately, the *sperm* whale.

         Archie McPhee
         Outfitters of Popular Culture
         P.O. Box 30852
         Seattle, WA  98103  USA
         Order Desk and Info Line: [phone]

Should also be able to deliver a good number of tasteless things (blow up
mosquitoes and the like).


   11. Is there an alt.tasteless purity test?

       Paul Spinrad ([e-mail]) once wrote a 'Bodily Functions Survey'
with questions covering nasal hygiene, vomiting, urination, defecation and
flatus expulsion. Send email with the header 'Shrimp-nob!' to [e-mail].


   12. Is there an a.t masonic style greeting?

       Yup. Pretend to wipe your ass, then give the fellow your hand. The call
for distress is "Will nobody help the widows son fuck his dead father!?". This
will usually give you all the help you want.
       The tough guys greet each other by both blowing their noses onto their
hands, then shake with them, with the collective snots being squished out around
the edges. After separation, the licking of the hand is optional. Only known to
be in use in Australia.


   17. Awards? I've heard something about awards being given out, and of people
       struggling to be Mr. Alt.Tasteless.

       That is the case. Every year we try to decide who to honour for their
efforts in the group. During the year you're encouraged to send nominations to
Chris "Systems Stud" Pikus ([e-mail]), grouped in the following
categories:
         1. fiction
         2. non-fiction
         3. quote - general
         4. quote - insult
         5. flames            [i.e. too long to be just a quote]
         6. concepts          [e.g. Mr. Lings fetal cookbook]
         7. ordinary life     [e.g. Jack in the box]


   31. I have now read the a.t Kaka Sutra...Is there any way I can recognize
       fellow mainliners or teabaggers?

       Well, one is tempted to say that you will know the mainliners by their
brownish lipstick, but I take it that you thinking of a 'hanky code' of some
sort. To recap the North American Hanky Code: It requires two back pockets and a
coloured hanky. Putting the handkerchief in the left pocket indicates that you
want to be the active part, the right pocket that you want to be the recieving
part. The colour of the hanky then indicates the preferred activity: Red is anal
fisting, grey is bondage, black is heavy SM (whipping, burning etc.).
The hanky code is known among North American homosexuals and SM affectionados,
and I have regrettably no list of all the colours. There isn't really a similar
a.t code, but just recently I have started to have a teabag dangling out my left
backpocket, and maybe this will catch on. Perhaps the next edition of the Kaka
Sutra will include 'the secret signs'.


   69. I want to become an alt.tastelesser? How?

Posess, use and flaunt: A sick sense of humour.

optional:

Get: This document, the Kaka Sutra, the shit eating gif and the a.t theme song.


|WHO'S WHO?

You tell me. All I know is that

Pete Ashdown ([e-mail]) and Tim Clinkenpeel (tpehrson@slack.
sim.es.com) are never cracking any jokes about homosexuals, and they use the
same machine to spread their unholy filth. Some of us can see a connection.

Scottish Bastard ([e-mail])...Well, that just about sums it up.

Bob von Buelow ([e-mail]) writes with a style that often has a
low filth-to-signal ratio, in itself tasteless in this newsgroup, about the
vicissitudes of life. 1992 was his rookie year in a.t. He wrote this,
of course.

Murray Chapman (somewhere@au) is a good funky chap, man. And he seldom applies
the whiny laughter you just did, when he reads an extremely awful pun. He's more
of a caca-man, with a voice that matches. Mr. A.T. (literature) 92.

Chris F. Chiesa ([e-mail]) very much wishes that his adress was
more like        [e-mail], but wish in vain. Making up for
this shortcoming, he posts some very good tales to a.t.

Jeffrey Dahmer (Columbia Correctional Institute, Portage, Wisconsin 53901, USA)
is currently without email access. Wrote some of the better recipes in 1991.

Mitch Davis ([e-mail]) aka GrossMaster is happy to swill
a cup of urine while-U-wait. He claims he will do ANYTHING that is tasteless
and not too damaging to the health. Has intimate farm-life experience, and is
willing to be photographed and scanned.

Bruce Ediger ([e-mail]) is a purveyor of the occasional very pleasing
article, and the trusted keeper of 'The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts'.
The Vatsyayana of alt.tasteless, and a very good kisser.

Crunchy Frog ([e-mail]), the writer of the a.t theme song and
various other stuff. Not to be confused with The Mad Stork, unless you really
want to.

David Garrett ([e-mail]). Look mom, a pig with intelligence. David
knows a lot, and is not afraid to share it with us. Never an ill-researched
article from his keyboar.

Jenny Gutbezahl ([e-mail]). The woman with a name one
immediately associates with a german whore is the provider of a refreshing look
on things in a maledominated newsgroup. Ms. A.T 92.

Ken Hovanes/Mr. Pig ([e-mail]) dislikes newbies who have no respect
for alt.tasteless, learn the ropes before you post, or you'll piss him off, not
a good idea.

Joni Johnson. Mrs. alt.tasteless 91. Female. Not dead yet. Same goes for
Laura Lemay ([e-mail]).

Vinnie Jordan/One Sick individual/Missing Link/Dirty White Boy ([e-mail])
was stolen away from a.t by the fascists (sadly not the faecesists). Pops in
from time to time.

Rauli Lauhanen ([e-mail]). Clinically diagnosed as a psycho. We all
envy him. Likes his women "Estonian, and like Winston Churchill in a
mini-skirt." Wishes that he was a god-fearing american.

Richard Barry Ling. A conceptual artiste in the tasteless realm.

Sean Mcafee ([e-mail]) is also an a.t bourgeois gentilhomme. That's
french for a pig. Delightful reading. Especially the Big Shit stories are
(bowel) moving. It's hard to decide whether the pictures or his descriptions of
his mighty grogans are the most stimulating.

Geoff Miller ([e-mail]). It's a bad day in alt.tasteless
when Geoff doesn't come by after work with a tasteless piece of humour. He is
not married. Figures. Mr. Alt.Tasteless (fact) 91 & 92.

Mark Nesdoly ([e-mail]), as with Jim T. Park, a pig with peculiar
tastes.

Brett Paterson ([e-mail]). Colostomy lover.

Chris Pikus ([e-mail]) is sometimes writing about other things than
cornholing boars. Funny too. Has been convicted for election fraud in 7 central
american (sometimes) republics, and is now conducting the a.t. votes.

Mark A. Pitcher ([e-mail]) started the animal-
mutilating business at a very young age, and has with the coming of age refined
it to the extreme. He can do wonders in the way of sexual gratification and pain
with an ordinary housecat. Runs the tasteless Darkpark BBS. Ask him about it.

Daniel Steven Reinker/Hiz Lord Dementia ([e-mail]) has a
brother and an impressive list of achievements in alt.tasteless.

Eric A. Schwartz ([e-mail]) is a professional when it comes to
the more technical sides of tastelessness and bestiality, and his opinions are
always appreciated. And his cynicism.

Steven Snedker ([e-mail]) wished for something better but never got it.
This is sort of reflected in his posts. The James Galway of the toilet and
Mr. a.t. (f) 91.

Brian Saunders ([e-mail]) will answer all questions
regarding heamophilia and man-dog relationsships.

Art Taylor ([e-mail]) insane flamer and writer very much in the
know of what's tasteless and what's not. Many could learn at his feet...if they
could stand the awful smell.

Adam Justin Thornton ([e-mail]). Old time alt.tastelesser. Claims to
have an egg canal instead of a colon.

Trashcan Man/Constantin Tobio and Santiago Artega. Massage-parlour clients
turned alt.tasteless writers. All in all a good move.

George Vokalek ([e-mail]) G'day mate/sport, down under,
Bruce, sheila, CIA infiltrated elections. George is responsible for all this.

Curtis Yarvin ([e-mail]), John Dawson ([e-mail]) and
Matthew Somers ([e-mail]). The Big Shit Triplets of a.t. May your
bowel movements always be like Beethoven's 9th.


|THE MAILORDER LIST

   As it is now The Church of Divine Tastelessness can offer the following
standard tastelesss files:

THE ALT.TASTELESS THEME SONG:  A joint effort by some of the a.t writers.
FREQUENTLY REQUESTED STORIES: The gerbil-and-meat grinder story, Scrotum Self
Repair. (ask [e-mail] to send you Song or Scrotum)
KAKA SUTRA -Tasteless Sex Acts (available by mail from [e-mail])
VOMIT: The canonical list of vomit euphemisms.
MAST: The canonical list of masturbation euphemisms.
(Ask for them at Sean's: [e-mail])

If you haven't recieved the stuff you ordered within 7 days, it's because email
has bounced and nobody gives a shit.

|OTHER DOCUMENTS WORTH A LOOK:
(all to be found in news.answers as monthly postings...perhaps)

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers
Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre!  (Monthly Posting)
Summary:
    o Before posting, read the group for a couple of months. Get to
      know who is posting and what kind of things are considered funny.

    o Ask yourself why you want to post. Is it to impress us all with
      what a red-hot, hip individual you are?  If so, you may want to
      consider moving to another group.

|   o Remember that about 90% of the stuff on this group is
      crap, and if your article is not in the top 10% then it is
      probably crap as well. If you are still convinced that the
      majority of readers on the group will enjoy your dry and subtle
      wit, then post.

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
Summary: Huuuge file with Index
Summary: Shit ==
Contentless "me too" or "I agree" postings (should have used email).
Posts with many lines of attribution and a single word or line added
agreeing or disagreeing. [like cascades]

|Cyclic discussions some times occur.
How is the "new user" supposed to come "Up to speed?"
Uninformed readers believe that new information is added in these
repeat discussion. That is NOT the case, since by definition, that
kind of discussion would not be cyclic.

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: A Primer on How to Work With the Usenet Community
Summary: of Things to Remember
       Never forget that the person on the other side is human
       Don't blame system admins for their users' behavior
       Be careful what you say about others
       Be brief
       Your postings reflect upon you; be proud of them
       Use descriptive titles
       Think about your audience
       Only post a message once
       Summarize what you are following up
|      Use mail, don't post a follow-up
       Read all follow-ups and don't repeat what has already been said
       Double-check follow-up newsgroups and distributions.
       Be careful about copyrights and licenses
       Cite appropriate references
       When summarizing, summarize
       Spelling flames considered harmful
       Don't overdo signatures
       Limit line length and avoid control characters

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Hints on writing style for Usenet
Summary:
 * Subject lines should be used very carefully. How much time have you
   wasted reading articles with a misleading subject line?  The "Subject:"
   header line can be edited in all the various posting programs
   (as can the "Distribution:", "Newsgroups:" and "Followup-To:" header
   lines).

 * Remember - this is an international network.

 * Remember - your current or future employers may be reading your
   articles. So might your spouse, neighbors, children, and others
   who will long-remember your gaffes.

Newsgroups: soc.motss,news.answers
Subject: soc.motss FAQ
Summary: 106. What will happen to me if I post in soc.motss?
    The answer is, in general, nothing. (Lots of people of all orienta-
tions read and write to soc.motss, so strictly speaking you're not
coming out by posting. Even so, some people will draw conclusions about
your sexual orientation from the fact that you post here.
    However-- Assume that any posting in net news is in the public
domain and could end **anywhere**:  the general media, a police file, a
Fundie's hate list, an entrepeneur's sales contact list, etc. If you
can't stand by your posting, then don't post.

 Well then, end of FAQ, but as this is alt.tasteless and you have bothered to
read all the way, you are hereby rewarded with a couple of good excerpts from
two alt.tasteless posts:

[...talking about why it's always the perverts letters to the newspapers
doctor that'll make it into the newspaper]

It's an easy test:

1. Dear Gertrud, I'd like to have sex with a woman in the missionary position.

2. Dear Gertrud, I'm gay and I'd like to have sex with a potato peeler and
pictures of Engelbert Humperdinck on the wall while my grandmother alternately
squeals like a rabid rodent and slaps my ball with a fly swatter with exactly 7
dead flies on it.

which would you rather read about?

Gertrud

These dorks haven't got the point yet. Life is ugly. It is brutal. The weak
are killed and eaten. Life is full of filthy old men with weeping cankers,
vomiting into wastebaskets in railway stations. Life is one long walk down
a pubic toilet where the caked layers of dried phlegm, spit and urine smear
the walls. Left to their own devices, people will bend you over and slide
you a steaktube just to watch the expression on your face.

Alistair

      T H E  C H U R C H  O F  D I V I N E  T A S T E L E S S N E S S
                 wishes all members a happy new year.