Usenet 1994 October/usenetsourcesnewsgroupsinfomagicoctober1994disk1.iso/answers/lemur-faq/part5

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From: [e-mail] (Joel K. Furr)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.answers,rec.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 5 of 7, Lemurs and the USENET Oracle)
Followup-To: alt.fan.lemurs
Date: 11 Oct 1994 19:31:03 -0400
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Summary: This posting contains a list of Frequently Asked Questions (and the best answers we got) about Lemurs.  It should be read by anyone who wishes to post to the alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup.
Xref: bloom-beacon.mit.edu alt.fan.lemurs:3234 rec.humor.oracle.d:1921 alt.answers:4948 rec.answers:7781 news.answers:27247

Archive-name: lemur-faq/part5
Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part5
Rec-humor-oracle-d-archive-name: lemurs
Last-modified: 1994/08/02
Version: 4.0

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
           Part 5 of 7  -- Lemurs and the USENET Oracle

------------------------------

Introduction:  The USENET Oracle, an omnipotent being located at
[e-mail], has answered a few questions on the subject
of lemurs.  Here are some of the more interesting questions and replies.
Read rec.humor.oracle for digests of the Oracle's questions and answers
and rec.humor.oracle.d for discussion of same.

                           The Questions


(1) Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?
(2) Do you ever have trouble with lemurs swinging on your kitchen lights
      or staying up all night to watch movies on your VCR?
(3)  Do you let lemurs use your credit cards?
(4)  What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where
      lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?
(5)  How much wood could a Lemur chuck if a Lemur could chuck wood?
(6)  I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now,
      every time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".
      Except when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core
      frinked". What do I do?
(7) What will happen at LemurCon '94?


--------

                            The Answers


(1) Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?

> Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me:
>
> Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The Oracle considers your question in all possible contexts,
}      languages interpretations and reaches this conclusion:
}
}      'Not if your bedroom is off the ground floor of a building and
}      there are no trees around'
}
}      You owe the Oracle some cut price lemur proof double glazing.

Take 2:

> Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me:
>
> Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, they do not, because I when I had my current digs made,
} I put in special glass in the windows to prevent any
} "intrusions" to my abode.  Here, let me show you this scene:
}
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
} [ You see the Oracle outside his palace with his general
}   contractor. ]
}
} Oracle: You are going to prove that my glass windows are proof
}         against bullets, shells and exploding animals?
}
} GC:     Sure.  Here in this cannon pointed at your windows, is
}         a woodchuck primed with a high-explosive shell force-fed
}         just a little while ago.  Now I push this button and
}
} [ Woodchuck is propelled  through the air towards the Oracle's
}   bedroom window.  A mighty explosion occurs. ]
}
} Oracle: Wow!  The window looks as good as it did before, and
}         the woodchuck is completely blasted to bits!
}
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
}
} My contractor told me that my windows would be proof against
} any exploding mammal on earth, so if a lemur went bang or
} boom against my windows, I wouldn't even notice it.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Ark, with lemurs.----------


----------


(2) Do you ever have trouble with lemurs swinging on your kitchen lights or
staying up all night to watch movies on your VCR?

> Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me,
>
> Do you ever have trouble with lemurs swinging on your kitchen lights
> or staying up all night to watch movies on your VCR?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, they certainly DO this, but I don't perceive it as a problem.
} However, since you do, it is time we took a good look at this bigotry
} you harbor towards lemurs.  When did this start?  Were you once bested
} by a lemur when trying out for team sports?  Did a lemur get the edge
} in that job interview because of Affirmative Action?  Are you feeling
} disaffected, like the entire country has forgotten about YOU and YOUR
} rights?  Did you sister threaten to marry a lemur? Are you xenophobic
} because they come from Madagascar?
}
} Tsk, tsk, tsk.  You seem to lack understanding and tolerance.  I
} recommend that you enter a program so that you can get help.  You
} harbor resentment and hatred for things you don't understand.  The
} next thing you know you'll be committing hate crimes against innocent
} lemurs who have never done a thing to harm you.  Get help quickly,
} before it is too late.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of bananas.


----------


(3)  Do you let lemurs use your credit cards?

> Oh mighty and omniscient Oracle, please tell me:
>
> Do you let lemurs use your credit cards?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, but only to scrape the ice off of their windshields.
}
} You owe the Oracle 15.28%, compounded quarterly.


----------


(4)  What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where
lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?

> Oh mighty and omnipotent Oracle, please tell me:
>
> What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where
> lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Frightened commuter,  the solution to your question depends on whether
} the lemurs at the roadblock are Microcebus, ruffed lemurs or
} ringtails.  The Microcebus, being very, very small, are merely
} bluffing.  Simply drive through the roadblock, ignore their squeaks of
} indignation, and keep going.  The ruffed lemurs, who are extremely
} vain, will let you go through without a shakedown if you simply hand
} them some extravagant compliments on their thick, glossy, fur.
} However, the  ringtails are the terrorists of the lemur world. If the
} roadblock is run by ringtails I strongly suggest you hand over the
} money and cereal,  your first-born child, any pornographic National
} Geographics you happen to have in the car, and whatever else you can
} think of.  There are reputable reports of motorists on the I-5 being
} robbed, dismembered, and eaten by ringtails.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's membership to the Cincinnati zoo.


Take 2:

> Oh mighty Oracle, I beg for your wisdom:
>
> What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where Lemurs
> are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, mortal, listen well to the ruminations of the Mighty Oracle!
}
} Okay, this is what you do.  Lemurs are nocturnal, so I am
} assuming this roadblock takes place at night.  Drive up slowly,
} then roll down your window.  A lemur will probably stick its face
} in your window, and its partner will shine a flashlight in your
} eyes.  First, reach up quickly and grab the first lemur by the
} arm.  It'll probably squeal, so pull to get it off balance, then
} shove it off your car.  Its partner will take the flashlight off
} you.  Yell, 'Damn monkeys!' out the window...lemurs HATE being
} called monkeys.  Jam the accelerator.  The cars in front will
} probably be trying to swing out of the way to give chase; lemurs lemurs
} hate getting their cars smashed up.  Now, drive really fast!
} Lemurs tend to drive really fast cars, so you'll have to take
} every advantage possible!  The lemur's real weakness lies in the
} fact that they are notorious law-abiders.  All you have to do is
} run a red light, and they will not follow.  And that's it.


----------


(5)  How much wood could a Lemur chuck if a Lemur could chuck wood?


> Oh mighty and omniscient Oracle, please tell me,
>
> How much wood could a Lemur chuck if a Lemur could chuck wood?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on how much you're willing to pay them.  If you pay
} peanuts, you get monkeys.  It's as simple as that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a half cord of firewood, neatly chucked.


----------


(6)  I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now, every time
I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".  Except when I try to
crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked". What do I do?

> Help, O savior of prosimians!
>
> I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now, every
> time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".  Except
> when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".
> What do I do?
>
> (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The party of medical students grew excited as they followed Doctor
} Hartmann down the final sterilised, white-walled corridor that led
} to the high security wing of Indiana State Mental Asylum. "This is
} gonna be the chance of a lifetime!" said Julia Kovic, psychiatry
} student prodigy and part-time model.  "You bet!" said her friend
} David, "The most bizarre case of paranoid delusion and psychotic
} insanity in medical history, enough to write volumes on, and we're
} about to see it!"  Doctor Hartmann tapped in the security code
} and the steel doors hummed open.  "I must caution you now, be very
} careful how you speak to this man.  If you wish to ask him a
} question, make sure it's very inoffensive.  If provoked he is
} likely to enter a fit of rage which, believe me, you won't have
} seen the like of before."  The group walked in uninterested fashion
} past the cells of Gruesome Gripper Graham, strangler of over one
} hundred young virgins, and Marcus MacCallum, who ate his bank
} manager's brain infront of a whole queue of account holders (some
} of whom wanted to thank him afterwards).
}
} "Here we are" said Dr Hartmann.  "Patient Bob, as we call him.
} We never managed to get his real name out of him."
}
} "He was admitted in 1993, wan't he?" asked Julia.
}
} "That's right.  After going on a killing rampage through several
} zoos and national parks all over America.  It took the FBI weeks
} to track him down, and he somehow managed to wipe out half the
} lemur and woodchuck population of America.  He also incinerated a
} large number of police officers with his bizarre home made gun
} before he was finally caught."  The group peered in awe through
} the wide toughened glass window of the cell.  A figure was sitting
} with his back to them, both arms tied behind him in a restraint
} jacket.
}
} "How are you, Bob ?" said Dr Hartmann.  The figure snapped his head
} around to reveal sharp, crazed eyes and a handsome face contorted
} into a furious expression.  "Shut thy mouth, O worm.  I am called
} the Oracle, THE USENET ORACLE, damn it!"  "I'm sorry, Bob, but
} there is no such person in the birth records."  said the Doctor.
}
} "That" said the Oracle "is because I was born when the genes of
} your ancestors were still floating around in primordial SOUP!!".
}
} Dr Hartmann turned back to his students.  "It's OK, we've caught
} him in a pretty good mood.  Who wants to ask him a question ?"
} Julia raised her hand first.  "What makes you hate woodchucks and
} lemurs, Oracle ?"  The Oracle's eyes flared. He boomed : "They are
} the servants of Satan, malicious imps placed here by the Dark One
} to destroy the work of the Oracle."
}
} "Why do you think Satan is victimising you ?" quizzed Julia.
}
} "Because God gave Me the cushy job, while Satan has to spend
} eternity in a sulphurous pit listening to politicians screaming in
} torment and begging for another chance."
}
} "But woodchucks and lemurs are harmless, friendly little creatures!"
}
} The Oracle smiled grimly.  "My child, do not meddle in the affairs
} of the Omniscient and Omnipotent, for you would make a fine kebab
} and wash down well with a Diet Coke."
}
} Julia would not give up with her rational probing.
} "If you are omnipotent, how come you don't just break out of here?"
}
} "Break out ?!  I came here DELIBERATELY!!!  This place is a HOLIDAY
} compared to the questions I was starting to get from alt.fan.lemurs
} and the Cult of Woodchuck."
}
} Julia smiled.  She was beginning to *like* the Oracle in a strange
} sort of way, although she still thought he was insane.
}
} One of the students behind her was whispering to a colleague.
} "How much would you think it costs to run this place ?"
}
} "What ?" asked the other, who was hard of hearing.
}
} "I SAID HOW MUCH WOULD -"
}
} At that moment Julia saw the Oracle's worse side.  Only for a
} split second, that is, before the she and the whole Asylum were
} obliterated and sent flying in small chunks over a thirty mile
} radius.  The Oracle's blissful holiday was over;  he emerged from
} the ruins of the Asylum and trudged off in the direction of
} Indiana University.

Take 2:

> Help, O savior of prosimians!
>
> I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now, every
> time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".  Except
> when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".
> What do I do?
>
> (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Distressed Pawn of the Conspiracy,
}
} Accidentally let a lemur log onto your computer! Sure, the lemur let
} you think it was an accident. It was an "accident" that got the American
} forces into Vietnam fighting Ho Chi-a-pet Minh (a well documented
} lemur sympathizer); another "accident" that let Jack Ruby stroll
} unmolested into the basement of the Dallas Police building to shoot
} Lee-mur Harvey Oswald; an "accident" or two which killed Bruce and
} Brandon Lee-mur. Let me tell you, lemurs have been involved with
} everything from the mysterious disappearance of Socks Clinton to the
} secret meaning of the Great Seal of the United States. Haven't you
} wondered, just a little, why Abra-melin Lincoln allowed Robert E.
} Lee-mur to keep his horse and gun?
}
} Lemurs lost their great continent, Lemuria, by their arboreal foolishness
} and their apparent unwillingness to invest in the equivalent of the
} Strategic Defense Initiative project. Now they want to take over our
} land, that dulcet clime formerly free of prosimians, and rename it "New
} Madagascar". Soon the animal gliding amongst our treasured redwoods
} will not be Rocket J. Squirrel from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, but
} Leapin' Lanny Colugo from Malaya. Makes a patriot sick!
}
} My advice to you is not to let on to your lemur buddy, your ring-tailed
} pal, that what he thinks of as his Lemuridae fellow traveler (Robert E.
} Lee-mur's horse's name was Traveler -- coincidence? I think *NOT*) is
} wise to his large-eyed schemes. Your only hope is to surprise him in the
} bright daylight and quickly stuff him in a sack. Under no circumstance
} approach lemurs at night: their strength is that of ten after sunset. Grab
} a bottle of petroleum jelly to take with you. Take the fiend down to the
} dockside where an oceangoing freighter is heading back to the green
} hell that is Madagascar. Quickly smear petroleum jelly on his feet and
} stick him to the side of the vessel (above the waterline for humanitarian
} reasons). His suction-pad feet will adhere to the steel. You may let
} Madagascar deal with him after that. Throw away your computer; no
} amount of cleansing could possibly help. I am sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnating as [e-mail]) nothing
} except your pledge to remain lemur-free one *DAY* at a time.

Take 3:

> Help, O savior of prosimians!
>
> I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account.  Now, every
> time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".  Except
> when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".
> What do I do?
>
> (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

> Article: 5750 of news.admin.misc
> From: [e-mail] (The Usenet Oracle)
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
> Date: 20 Nov 1993 23:57:58 GMT
>
> Okay, folks.  Those goons from alt.fan.lemurs are trying to take over
> rec.humor.oracle again.  They've been mailbombing me all week with
> questions about lemurs; it seems that Joel Furr got some statistician
> at the Duke University Primate Center to work out just how many lemur
> questions it would take to insure that at least half of each r.h.o
> Digest would refer to lemurs.
>
> Newsadmins who are, shall we say, not overfond of high-voltage
> spikes, may want to consider dropping a.f.l from their news servers
> at once.
> --
> The Usenet Oracle  * [e-mail] * Serving the Net since 1989
>   "And the Sibyl with raving mouth, uttering words solemn, unadorned,
>    and unsweetened, reaches with her voice a thousand years because of
>    the god in her."  --Heraclitus, frag. 12
>
>
> Article: 5751 of news.admin.misc
> From: [e-mail] (Dave Hayes)
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
> Date: 21 Nov 1993 01:12:15 GMT
>
> Ha! So the Oracle reveals his true authoritarian colors! Seems to
> me lemurs have as much right as anyone to post questions wherever
> they want!
>
> When an all-powerful Oracle stoops to forming a cabal to suppress a
> few admirers of fuzzy lower primates, well... can you say, "Death of
> Usenet"?  :)
>
>
> From: [e-mail] (Richard E. Depew)
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
>
> Orrie, not to worry.  Retroactive moderation will automatically tag
> all postings by lemurs and transfer them to a Gopher server on Baffin
> Island that operates only between 2300 and 2400 GMT, that is when
> there's kerosene in the generator to run the Mac Classic.  Of course
> anyone is free to download them from the server once they're there.
>
> I think you'll be pleased with the results.
>
>
> From: [e-mail] (Serdar Argic)
> Newsgroups: talk.politics.mideast,talk.politics.soviet,soc.culture.greek,
> soc.culture.europe,soc.history,soc.culture.soviet,soc.culture.turkish,
> soc.culture.iranian,news.admin.misc,alt.fan.lemurs,rec.humor.oracle.d
> Distribution: world
> Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
>
> Oracle simply exposes the x-Soviet Armenian Government-paid Lemur
> crooks/criminals and their well-known forgeries in public.  Remember
> that x-Soviet Armenia, employing Lemur moronians, attempts to call
> into question the veracity of the Oracle Holocaust. X-Soviet Armenia
> has also implemented state-sponsored terrorism through Lemurs in
> an attempt to silence the Turkish people's vehement demands and
> protests.
>
>
> From: [e-mail] (Cheyne l'Etre)
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: MAKE MONEY FAST
>
> If you're curious, take a second and read this...
>
> Dear Friend,
>
>     My name is Dave Rhodes.  In September 1988, my lemur was
> repossesed, and the bill collectors were hounding me like you
> wouldn't believe.  I was laid off, and my unemployment checks had
> run out.  The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was
> my computer and my modem.
>
>     This past St. Swithin's day, my family and I toured our fifty-acre
> lemur farm in our shiny new Lincoln Town Car that I bought for
> CASH.  You too can be RICH beyond your wildest dreams.
>
>     INSTRUCTIONS: Send e-mail to "[e-mail]" with the
> Subject: line "give me".  On the first line of your message, specify
> the exact dollar amount you wish to realize your heart's desire.
> Within five weeks a representative of the United States Postal
> Service will be ringing at YOUR doorbell with $10,000--$50,000--
> $1,000,000 (One Million Dollars)!  Please note, this is entirely
> legal, since you are just ASKING for the money!
>
>
> From: [e-mail] (Kit Parker)
> Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality, news.admin.misc
> Subject: I Like Big Hairy Lemurs
>
> Hi Im Kit an RA in Parrish Hall at Swarthmore. the very thought of a
> naked furry lemur makes me horny, does anyone know where I can find
> one in the Philadelphia area  Thanks   oops he's coming back to the
> term room
>
>
> From: Shandra DeWitt <[e-mail]>
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: Dying Boy Needs Lemurs
>
> My friend said you are the people who run the USnet bulletin board so
> would you please post this Urgent Information on your BBS.
>
> In a hospital in Sussex, England, there is a twelve-year-old boy who
> is dying of an inoprable brain tumor.  His one wish is to enter the
> Guiness Book of Records for owning more lemurs than anyone.  His name
> is ^Z
>
> From: [e-mail] (Brian Reid)
> Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
> Subject: Death of Usenet (Was: Attempted lemur takeover...)
>
> I give up.  They were right.  Usenet has had it.
>
> Orrie, the Cabal have decided.  We're turning the whole thing over to
> you.  You won't have to worry about lemur invasions in r.h.o when
> you're . . . Usenet Supermoderator!  Right: we all agreed no one was
> better suited for the job.  You can read 10Mbytes of postings in a
> nanosecond and save out the two or three that deserve distribution.
> You can send flaming death to people who post child pornography on the
> K12 groups and quote too many lines in followups.  You can get rid of
> the entire Usenet hierarchy and restore net.general, where the dozen
> or two of us who have anything worth saying can reign in peace.
>
> Here's to You and Usenet Utopia!


----------

(7) What will happen at LemurCon '94?


> Tell me, oh most wise Oracle:
>
> What will happen at LemurCon '94?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 2pm Wed   President Clinton will show up to give the opening address and
}           find nobody home.
}
} 2am Thu   President Clinton will fail to show up for the opening address.
}           The organizers will scramble to find a nocturnal celebrity.
}           They'll manage to get Jack Hanna to say a few words; he'll say he
}           was having trouble sleeping anyway, but in fact he really digs
}           lemurs.
}
} 2:30am    "Discrimination Against Lemurs and Other Nocturnal Animals by
}           Government and Industry."  Organizations continue to insist on
}           daytime working hours despite evidence that it increases fatigue-
}           related accidents and exacerbates rush hour congestion on
}           highways.
}
} 3:30am    Lunch and tree-climbing break.  The National Arboretum is just up
}           the street from the hotel.
}
} 4am       "Living With A Tail Impairment."  Tail-impaired lemurs will answer
}           questions and dispel myths about tree-climbing, discrimination,
}           and societal acceptance.
}
} 5am       "Lemur Action Plan for 1995."  Long-term plans for rallies,
}           marches, and protests will be discussed.  Lessons learned from
}           the Midnight March on Washington which failed to attract any
}           significant media attention will be discussed.
}
} 6am       Tree-climbing break.  Avoid the pear tree; it'll dump you.
}
} 7am       Reception in the Jungle Room with furry entertainment.  Drew
}           Barrymore will wander down in a bathrobe looking for coffee.
}           Don't miss it.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a detailed map of Madagascar.


-----------

The FAQ continues in Part 6 of 7: Duke University Primate Center.

  ------------------------------------------------------------------
       Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]