home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search
/ ARM Club 1 / ARM_CLUB_CD.iso / contents / sillies / silly8 / G / Gardening next >
Text File  |  1994-02-18  |  9KB  |  210 lines
  1.  
  2.           All you'll ever need to know about GARDENING
  3.           --------------------------------------------
  4.  
  5. Or the real truth about that funny place round the back.
  6.  
  7.  
  8. Aaaa            -       Sound produced by dozing gardener
  9.                          when stung by bee trapped in said
  10.                          gardener's trouser leg.
  11.  
  12. Annual          -       Any plant that dies before blooming.
  13.  
  14. Aphid           -       Insect pest that inphests gardens
  15.                          and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth,
  16.                          stamp their pheet and utter phour-
  17.                          letter words.
  18.  
  19. Bed             -       1. Where most prized flowering
  20.                          perennials are located.
  21.                         2. Where most gardeners are located
  22.                          when they hear rabbits in 1.
  23.  
  24. Catalogues      -       Forms of entertaining fiction
  25.                          published by nurseries, seedsmen and
  26.                          tool manufacturers.
  27.  
  28. Dog             -       1. Familiar domestic quadruped, whose
  29.                          main hobby is palaeontology. declares
  30.                          squatter's rights and buries its
  31.                          favorite specimins under your most
  32.                          prized shrubs.
  33.                         2. Device with tooth which penetrates
  34.                          or grips object and detains it.(Usually
  35.                          leg of unsuspecting gardener.)
  36.  
  37. Easter Sunday   -       Traditional planting time in many
  38.                          parts of the country.
  39.  
  40. Easter Monday   -       Traditional time to dig up and dispose
  41.                          of plants killed by unexpected hard
  42.                          frost of previous night.
  43.  
  44. Fence           -       Barrier erected to protect garden
  45.                          produce against animal pests that lack
  46.                          wings, paws, teeth or brains and cannot
  47.                          leap, tunnel, climb or fly.
  48.  
  49. Fertilizer      -       Plant food. The feeding procedure is
  50.                          complicated but the few essential facts
  51.                          about fertilizers can be mastered
  52.                          quickly. Just remember the numbers
  53.                          three, two and five. They refer to:
  54.                          The three basic types - messy, stinky
  55.                          and messy/stinky; the two sizes
  56.                          available - trial (four ounce packet)
  57.                          economy (220 pound sack); and the five
  58.                          methods of application - too much, too
  59.                          little, too early, too late and wrong
  60.                          kind.
  61.  
  62. Fruit           -       General term for the seed-bearing part
  63.                          of a plant that is eaten by birds or
  64.                          worms, drops off, rots, gets funny
  65.                          spots, isn't what was pictured in the
  66.                          catalogues, tastes like a glove or
  67.                          doesn't appear at all.
  68.  
  69. Furrow          -       Horizontal line on forehead of a
  70.                          gardener.
  71.  
  72. Garden          -       One of the vast number of free outdoor
  73.                          restaurants operated by charity-minded
  74.                          amateurs to provide healthfull,balanced
  75.                          meals for insects, birds and animals.
  76.  
  77. Hoe             -       Gardening tool whose name derives
  78.                          from the fact that when its blade is
  79.                          stepped on, its handle delivers a sharp
  80.                          rap to the gardener's brow, at which
  81.                          point he cries "Ho!"
  82.  
  83. Hose            -       Crude but effective, totally safe type
  84.                          of scythe towed through gardens to
  85.                          flatten flower-beds.
  86.  
  87. Injuries        -       Accidental mishaps from careless use
  88.                          of various implements which nurserymen
  89.                          guarantee easy to use.
  90.  
  91. Jumper          -       Ragged garment favoured by gardeners
  92.                          that usually has plenty of ventilation
  93.                          especially at the elbows.
  94.  
  95. Kneeling        -       Prone position of gardener when praying
  96.                          for rain during frequent drought
  97.                          periods that occur when plants need
  98.                          extra moisture to sustain growth.
  99.  
  100. Lament          -       Song sung by gardeners, generally off
  101.                          key, to encourage plants to grow.
  102.  
  103. Mulch           -       Material placed round the base of a
  104.                          plant to keep it moist and warm. Wood
  105.                          chips, leaf matter and even unwanted
  106.                          printed matter may be used.
  107.                          (Warning: The ink on your paper may
  108.                          damage plants;)
  109.  
  110. Nursery         -       The only known place where money grows
  111.                          on trees.
  112.  
  113. Onion           -       Useful culinary plant that comes in
  114.                          different sizes, guaranteed to cure
  115.                          dry-eye syndrome.
  116.  
  117. Perennial       -       Any plant which, had it lived, would
  118.                          have bloomed year after year.
  119.  
  120. Potato          -       The ideal vegetable. Not bitter,stringy
  121.                          pulpy, or gritty, it can be boiled, fried, baked,
  122.                          roasted, creamed or mashed. It is even tasty served as
  123.                          a salad. Best of all, since potatoes of excellent
  124.                          quality are available all the year round at very
  125.                          reasonable prices, there is absolutely
  126.                          no reason whatsoever to grow them - in
  127.                          fact, there is a very good reason not to.
  128.  
  129. Potato blight   -       The very good reason not to.
  130.  
  131.  
  132. Quarrel         -       A form of heated dialogue between rival
  133.                          gardeners.
  134.  
  135.  
  136. Root            -       1. Subsurface part of a weed
  137.                          inadvertently left in the ground when
  138.                          the upper portion is removed, thus
  139.                          resulting in the weed's speedy regrowth.
  140.                         2. Subsurface part of an ornamental
  141.                          shrub, or tree a small portion of which
  142.                          is inadvertently left in the ground when
  143.                          the said plant is transplanted, resulting
  144.                          in the plant's rapid death.
  145.  
  146. Rot             -       Gardening advice.
  147.  
  148. Seed            -       Highly nutritious form of bird food in
  149.                          handsome packets.
  150.  
  151.  
  152. Stake           -       Hard, tasteless garden product that
  153.                          generally constitutes the bulk of the
  154.                          harvest after visits by rabbits, birds,
  155.                          squirrels and other inhabitants of the
  156.                          space a gardener thought he had vacant
  157.                          possesion of.
  158.  
  159. Tools           -       Gardening implements that have a
  160.                          distinct life-cycle: ACTIVE PHASE (one
  161.                          to twelve weeks), marked by appearance
  162.                          of blisters on hands and bruises on
  163.                          legs of user;
  164.                          METAMORPHOSIS PHASE (12 to 14 weeks),
  165.                          during which the handle suddenly breaks
  166.                          at the point where it is joined to the
  167.                          metal working-end; and DORMANT PHASE
  168.                          (14 weeks to 20 years), spent by the
  169.                          two halfs of the tool in a dark corner
  170.                          of a shed.
  171.  
  172. Umbrella        -       Folding circular cover of silk, nylon,
  173.                          etc., on stick, carried in hand to
  174.                          protect against rain. Varieties are
  175.                          available all year round. Most prolific
  176.                          between the months of April to September
  177.                          (this is known as the growing season or
  178.                          Summer.)
  179.  
  180. Vermin          -       Any creature that eats green vegetables
  181.                          voluntarily.
  182.  
  183. Weed            -       Any plant that will survive at least
  184.                          one week without being fertilized,
  185.                          watered, pruned, sprayed, staked, misted
  186.                          mulched, dusted or wrapped in sacking,
  187.                          paper or plastic.
  188.  
  189. Xylocarpous     -       Having fruit that becomes hard or woody.
  190.                          A condition common to most fruits that
  191.                          do appear.
  192.  
  193. Yawn            -       A reaction common to most gardeners who
  194.                          have mastered the art of deck-chair
  195.                          assembly.
  196.  
  197.         A N D  F I N A L L Y
  198.  
  199. Zssss           -       1. Sound produced by dozing gardener in
  200.                          deck-chair.
  201.                         2. sound produced by bee trapped in
  202.                          dozing gardener's trouser leg.
  203.  
  204.  
  205. Well thats it !  does this resemble YOUR garden/Gardener ?
  206.  
  207. 73 .. Mike G8AMG @ GB7LWB
  208.  
  209. *** eof
  210.