ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/P/Personnel

Text File | 1994-02-11 | 17KB | 526 lines

                PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
                        by Peter C. Olsen
                A bold new proposal for matching
             high-technology people and professions

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the
right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and
millions of dollars in funding.  This is particularly true for
high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and
expensive.  Recently, however, years of detailed study by the
finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel
optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and
foolproof test to determine the best match between personality
and profession.  Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned
to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt
elephants.  The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then
categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined
below.  The subject should be assigned to the general job
classification that best matches the observed behavior.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever
is left.  Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the
existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to
step 1 as a subordinate exercise.  Professors of mathematics
will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then
leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an
exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
   alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
   a. Catch each animal seen.
   b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
   c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate.  Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it
an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do.  Operations research consultants can also
measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the
efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will
only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.  Software lawyers will
claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of
one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try
hard to hunt elephants, but their staff are designed to prevent
it.  When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the
staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.  If the
vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge
itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens.  Software sales people ship the first thing they
catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.  Hardware
sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.

VALIDATION
A validation survey was conducted about these rules.  Almost all
the people surveyed about these rules were valid.  A few were
invalid, but they expected to recover soon.  Based on the survey,
a statistical confidence level was determined.  Ninety-five
percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent
confidence in statistics.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT
This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of
many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name.

==
[12]
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off
and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the
elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it
and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant"
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied
with her answer asks his father the same question.
"Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephants penis.  Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I've spoilt that woman ..."

==

[13]
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book    - The Sex Life of the Elephant
                 or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book   - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book     - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
                     culture
                 or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book  - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book  - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book     - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book   - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book    - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book     - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
                     With His Elephants
The Canadian book  - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book   - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
==

[14]
Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
==

[15]
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
==

[17]
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.  Next morning the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead.  "Damn", says the ant, "one night
of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
==

[18]
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest
animal to roam the lands.  Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of
bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits.  Madam, please don't
stand near the elephant's backside.... Madam, PLEASE don't stand near the
elephant's backside ... MADAM! ... MADAM!!! .......... George, dig her out.
==

[20]
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants a year go to make piano keys.
Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
==

[21]
There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great
   (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey
and roared at him:
  "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied:
  "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
  "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer:
  "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."

The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly
munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
  "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"

Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a
blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a
nearby tree.

The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
  "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have
   to get so upset!"
==

[22]
A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband
thinks he's a magician."
"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.
"We're being sued.  A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk
and sawed it in half."
"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked.
"No, the circus," the woman replied.  "The elephant bled to death."
==

[23]
My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment
  somewhere.
(Faux Steven Wright Joke by Rod Schmidt)
==

[24]
An Elephant;  A Mouse built to government specifications.
==

[25]
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
==

[26]
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.
==

[28]
Telephone Joke:
 "Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are
 experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow
 us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"

 The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is
 bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."
==

[29]
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
  -- Zisla
==

[30]
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
  -- General Sedgwick's last words
==

[31]
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Elephants.
Elephants who?
Ella Fintzgerald!
==

[34]
ELETELEPHONY

once there was an elephant
who tried to be a telephant;
no no, I mean an elephone
who tried to be a telephone.
(Dear me I am not certain quite
that even now i've got it right)
how e'r it was he got his trunk
entangled in the telephunk
the more he tried to get it free,
the louder buzzed the telephee.
(i fear i'd better quit this song
of elehop and telephong.)
==

[37]
                   How to Catch a White Elephant
                   =============================
                 Submitted By Niels Kristian Jensen
                        <C838216 AT NEUVM1>

Go to an place where there are white elephants.  Bring with you a
muffin (with raisins).  Climb a tree.  When the white elephant is close,
drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.  The white elephant will
be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins).  White elephants like
muffins (with raisins).  Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.

After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin
(with rasins).  The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin
without rasins.  Drop the muffin as usual.  When the white elephant finds
out that the muffin lacks rasins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.
==

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
QA JOKES
--------

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
==

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
==

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
==

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
   grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
==

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
==

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
==

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
==

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
==

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
==

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
==

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
==

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
   and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
   and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
==

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
==

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
==

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
==

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.
==

Q:  Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A:  Because it was dead.
==

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
==

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
==

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
==

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
==

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
==

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph.
==

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
==

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
==

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW ?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW.
==

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly.  There is only one Tarzan!
==

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
==

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
==

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
==

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
==

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
==

Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
==

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming
   over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
==

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons
   tons of bananas,.....
==

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
==

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No?  Well, it must work.
==

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street
   wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
==

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
==

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
==

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
==

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
==

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
==

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
==

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
==

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
==

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
==

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
==

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.
==

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
==

*** EOF