ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/Q/QHighWay

Text File | 1994-02-18 | 12KB | 217 lines

                 On traversing the Queen's Highway
                 =================================


        It continues to be  fashionable for the lower orders  to
  ape  their  betters in ever increasing numbers  and  this  was
  never  more  obvious than upon Her Majesty's  highways  today.
  The   most  insalubrious  of  vehicles  may  daily   be   seen
  transporting hordes of unwashed and uneducated bodies from one
  place  to  the next.  Whilst such effrontery may  scarcely  be
  considered  fortuitous by decent society, a  gentleman  should
  rise  above showing displeasure and exercise tolerance of  the
  common  man.   He may also wish to consider the ratio  of  the
  unwashed  to  himself, and the propensity of  that  caste  for
  occasioning actual bodily harm upon those of their betters who
  may in charity have offered kindly advice.

       Notwithstanding such lamentable happenstance, a gentleman
  must  remain free to  traverse Her Majesty's highways at will,
  without  let or hindrance, confident in the knowledge that  he
  may  at any juncture desist without damage to himself, his man
  or his vehicle  and without at any point being bested by those
  of lesser breeding.  Such freedom may easily be obtained if  a
  gentleman will observe certain etiquette.

        The  concept  of mobility amongst the lower  orders  was
  first   espoused   by   a   Mr.   Robert   Stephenson,   whose
  enterpreneurial  talents  led  him  to  conceive  of  a   most
  obnoxious  mode of transport which he called  a  "train".   It
  will  be  observed  that the common man has,  over  the  years
  following, taken upon himself a freedom to roam and, worse, to
  do  so  in  contraptions which are in every way as coarse  and
  malodorous as that of Mr. Stephenson.

        A  frequent  irritation  will  be  to  find  one's  self
  stationery  at traffic lights, in rear of such an  impediment.
  It  will  usually be the case that the steersman will  have  a
  palsy  so  seriously  affecting his leg that  his  motor  will
  spasmodically  race,  thereby disgorging  copious  volumes  of
  nauseating  blue fumes.  In many cases, one  or  more  of  the
  occupants will be seen to disport himself in front of the rear
  view mirror, apparently de-lousing his hair.  Such miscarriage
  of  common decency must speedily be dealt with, lest one's own
  man  be  tempted to acquire bad habits or, worse, take ill  of
  the fumes and require sick pay.

        Provided always that members of one's own caste are  not
  at  that  time  traversing  the junction,  it  will  often  be
  efficacious  to have one's man suddenly race the engine,  thus
  causing  the unhorsed ahead to perceive without checking  that
  the  lights  have  changed, and to move  off  at  once.   Less

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G0MAM/TPK 1.81 Msg #:338  Date:15-05-93  Time:2:22Z


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  attentive peasants may be similarly motivated if the gentleman
  will  instruct his man to sound the vehicle's horn at the same
  time  as  racing  the  engine.  The  effects  of  this  simple
  manoeuvre will oft be most amusing, as will the expression  on
  the  face of the unwashed  (if he be still conscious)  but  if
  further delay is to be avoided,  care must be taken to  ensure
  that  the  junction ahead is so disposed geometrically  as  to
  afford clear passage around the wreck.

        Roundabouts will often cause considerable difficulty for
  they of the go-faster furry dice and there is a real risk that
  one's  carriage  may  be  struck  by  one  so  affected.   The
  requirement  to  co-ordinate  eye,  hand  and  foot   with   a
  reasonable  sense of timing is in the main beyond  the  common
  man  so that  a gentleman will find it wise to ensure that his
  man  is familiar with the "Bentley" manoeuvre and employs  the
  same at each and every roundabout.

        In simple terms, he will bring the vehicle to a stand in
  such  position as will obstruct at least two of  the  approach
  lanes.  If bollards, islands or other impedimenta are at hand,
  he  may make full use of these by stopping alongside, and well
  sort  of the junction.  The vehicle must remain unmoved  while
  the furry dice and "Mal loves Janet" caste  bear down upon it.
  Flashing lights and ill-bred horns must be wholly ignored  and
  a  firm resolve exhibited, notwithstanding that the road ahead
  may  be  free  of crossing traffic.  The gentleman  will  wait
  until  the last possible moment before instructing his man  to
  proceed smartly across the path of an on-coming vehicle,  thus
  depriving his pursuers any opportunity to follow. In  moderate
  to  heavy  traffic,  some amusement may  be  obtained  if  the
  gentleman  will instruct his man to circumvent the  roundabout
  once  or  twice before continuing his journey, thus presenting
  himself  as  a  repeated  nuisance to the  common  man.  Pedal
  cyclists, though they be of inconsequential girth overall, are
  apt  to  cause  delay to traffic generally by  dent  of  their
  weaving,  wobbling  way.  Little can be  done  for  one's  own
  immediate benefit when such riff-raff are encountered  but  it
  is  de  rigeur for a gentleman to do all within his  power  to
  prevent  the continuance of such nuisance for benefit  of  any
  gentry  following  in  rear of him.  The  "Doppler"  technique
  serves well.

        Ground will be gained most quickly upon the cyclist  and
  one's man must be instructed to that progress is as silent  as
  possible on the final approach.  As the range closes to  three
  or  four  feet, the engine may be firmly gunned,  and  a  long
  blast  on  the horn delivered with abandon as the  car  sweeps
  past  within inches of the offending machine.  The  refreshing
  breeze  thus created will usually be sufficient to so acerbate
  the  cyclist's  weave that he dismounts with  an  entertaining
  lack  of control.  The sudden and changing note of the vehicle
  horn  at  buttock-level will add markedly  to  the  creature's
  surprise and will cause him by reflex to look behind  even  as
  he  is  passed.  He will thus be thrown wide of his centre  of
  gravity in the final moments.  The use of the horn in this way
  is  a  kind   touch,  tending as it does to  speed  the  whole
  operation  and  render it quite humane.   Gentlemen  conveying
  ladies  at  the  time will, of course, essay to distract  them
  less they be distressed by the picture left behind.

         A  gentleman  will  oft  times  be  distracted  by  the
  reflection from his spectacle frames of flashing headlights in
  rear.   Such ill-mannered conduct is not to be tolerated  and,
  by its very belligerance, relieves one of any moral obligation
  to  question  what perceived offence may have  engendered  it.
  Such  uncouth  displays  of bootless ill-will,  in  the  main,
  restricted to steersmen of high-powered devices of  the  snub-
  nosed and raised-tail gendre, and occasional motor-cyclists.

        Both  may  be  seriously discomfited if  one's  man  has
  previously been instructed to so adjust the windscreen washers
  as  to  ensure  that no less than 80% of the  cleansing  agent
  dispensed  is taken by the slipstream directly over the  roof.
  A  well-timed suggestion that the front windscreen is in  need
  of attention will invariably cause the peasant in rear to drop
  back  to  a more comely distance , as he competes for survival
  with temporary blindness.  Where such nuisance emanates from a
  motorcycle, a gentleman may assist his man considerably if  he
  will consider ejecting his cigar from the off-side rear window
  whilst both vehicles are travelling in a straight line.    The
  writer  has it on good authority that the common man,  sitting
  astride  an  internal combustion engine at speed finds  little
  more  demanding of his attention than a discarded cigar  butt,
  whether  it be working its way comfortingly around the  inside
  of   his  leather  jerkin, or bouncing around merrily  on  the
  inside of a plexiglas visor.

  Pedestrians are a constant scourge but due regard must ever be
  had  to  their  right of way, gifted to  them  as  it  was  by
  parliamentarians   at   a  time  when  parliamentarians   were
  themselves  pedestrians more often than passengers.   This  is
  not  to say that they must be courted, nor waited on hand  and
  foot,  but that attention must be paid to the niceties of  the
  situation  before administering a timely reminder about  one's
  supremacy on the road.

       Accustomed travellers will be aware that the lower orders
  are  wont  to  stray  nonchalantly into and  across  the  road
  whenever  the fancy takes them.  Those seized of walking  aids
  such  as sticks and zimmer frames may be relied upon to effect
  great  suffering and urgency whilst making very little  actual
  progress.  Those in charge of perambulators and other  devices
  for  the conveyance of the young unhorsed will invariably push
  them  out  into  the  road ahead of themselves,  knowing  that
  whilst  they themselves may be fair game, the average  Justice
  will  take  less than kindly to hearing  that the contents  of
  such  a carriage have been whisked into orbit by a gentleman's
  ornamental  "Flying Lady".  The rules vary only  slightly  for
  pedestrians retarded enough to perceive a sense of  additional
  safety  when dawdling across alternate black and white stripes
  (known imaginatively as "zebra crossings") or between flashing
  lights (known just as creatively as "pelican crossings").

        In  either case, it will usually be efficacious to  have
  one's  man  wave the pedestrian across discreetly from  within
  the  vehicle,  whilst not perceptibly slowing until  the  last
  minute.   This affords the bootless and unhorsed in  rear  the
  opportunity of slaying its own when it has inadequate time  in
  which  to  brake, with no vestige of blame attaching to  one's
  self.

        If  one's man is to be allowed to deliver one  close  to
  ones  destination, some effort will need to be made to acquire
  an "Orange Badge" from one's local authority.  Since, short of
  theft, such permits are difficult to come by, it may be  found
  desirable  to employ only disabled persons as one's  chauffer.
  By  this  resort  it  may  even  prove  unnecessary  to  feign
  incapacity for the mindless bureaucracy since one's  man  will
  in  all  probability have his own badge.  If he  has  not,  an
  extra  shilling per week added to his wages may prompt him  to
  procure one most speedily.

        Should  such  an  artefact be forthcoming,  a  gentleman
  should  ensure that his man vacates the vehicle with  him  and
  stands  apart from it, regardless of the weather.   Should  he
  fail  to  do  so,  and  a member of the constabulary  (or  its
  traffic  apprentices)  appear on the scene,  his  man  may  be
  obliged to move the vehicle so that an unpleasantly long  walk
  may  then  be necessary to regain it.  Chauffeurs desirous  of
  retaining  their  posts  may, of course,  be  relied  upon  to
  discharge  any  fines  imposed  by  such  busy-bodies,  but  a
  gentleman  will  do  well to consider the inflated  pay  rises
  which  may  then be sought if no effort is made to  legitimise
  one's   desire   to   park  prettily.    Notwithstanding   the
  willingness of one's loyal staff to discharge one's  debts  in
  this way, it remains the case that if they be unable so to do,
  such  penalties will fall to their employer for settlement  as
  the  owner of the vehicle and will most assuredly be  demanded
  in the most curmudgeonly fashion by the judiciary.

       Of which more later .....


  73 de Greg (G0MAM) @ GB7CHS

*** EOF