HomeWare 14/HOMEWARE14.bin/windows/misc/joker10.arj/JOKER.JOK

Text File | 1994-03-26 | 36KB | 863 lines

94
A sampling of the jokes available in the Collection
***JOKE***

        A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number
of birds, aided by a dog named Salesman.  Next year he returned and
asked for Salesman again.  "The hound ain't no durn good now," the
handler said.
        "What happened!" cried the sportsman.  "Was he injured?"
        "No.  Some fool came down here and called him `Sales Manager'
all week instead of Salesman.  Now all he does is sit on his tail and
bark."
***JOKE***

        "I'm really worried," exclaimed Sam.
        "Why?" Pete asked.
        "Well, my wife read `A Tale of Two Cities' and we had twins.
Later she read `The Three Musketeers' and we had triplets.  Now she's
reading `Birth of a Nation!"
***JOKE***

        At a lecture series a very poor speaker was on the platform.  As
he was speaking, people in the audience began to get up and leave.
After about ten minutes there was only one man left.  Finally the man
stopped speaking and asked the man why he remained to the end.
"I'm the next speaker" was the reply.
***JOKE***

        The new preacher, at his first service had a pitcher of water
and a glass on the pulpit.  As he preached, he drank until the pitcher
of water was completely gone.
        After the service someone asked an old woman of the church, "How
did you like the new pastor?"
        "Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that
was run by water."
***JOKE***

        Thirteen ministers were on a flight to New York.  When they came
into a large storm, they told the stewardess to tell the pilot that
everything would be okay because 13 ministers were on board.
        Later the stewardess returned from the cockpit.
        "What did the pilot say?" one preacher asked.
        "He said he was glad to have 13 ministers aboard but he would
rather have four good engines."
***JOKE***

A Marine Drill Sergeant, known for his insensitivity and tough demeanor,
during roll call one day ended his talk with, "Oh, by the way, Kowalski,
your mother died last night."

A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same manner,
"Don't bother calling home this week Johnson, your house burned down
last night and killed your entire family."

Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called in
Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counseled him, instructing him to be a bit more
sensitive to the men.

So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's grandmother,
he decided to try another ploy.  "Okay, men.  Everyone whose
grandmother is still alive, take one step forward.  Not so fast, Lazinsky..."
***JOKE***

        A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons.  The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to
get one-half, the second eldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth.
The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these
fractions, began to argue.
        Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule, and
drove out to settle the matter.  He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
  The eldest son therefore got one-half or nine; the second got
one-third or six; and the youngest got one-ninth or two.  Adding up 9,
6, and 2 equals 17.  The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up
his mule and drove home.
***JOKE***

        A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish life-style went
to a party.  The conversation turned to Mozart.  "Absolutely brilliant,
magnificent, a genius!"
        The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, "Ah, Mozart.  You're so right.  I love him.  Only this morning
I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."  There was a
sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified.
He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now.  Get your
coat and let's get our of here."
        As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself.  Finally his
wife turned to him.  "You're angry about something."
        "Oh really?" You noticed?"  he sneered.  "I've never been so
embarrassed in my life!  You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney
Island?  You idiot!  Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go to Coney
Island?"
***JOKE***

         A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a
passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.   After he
was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should
think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
        "Can't do it", replied the farmer.  "At night I haul water for
the hole."
***JOKE***

        A pastor got this note addressed to him and his wife
accompanying a box of goodies from an old lady in the parish:

        "Dear Pastor:
         Knowing that you do not eat sweets, I am sending candy to your
         wife...and nuts to you."
***JOKE***

        An usher was passing the collection plate at a large church
wedding.  One of those attending looked up, very puzzled.  Without
waiting for the question, the usher nodded his head and said, "I know
it's unusual, but the father of the bride requested it."
***JOKE***

        "This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good
points and its bad points.  To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell
you about both.   The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant
one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
        "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
        "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is
blowing."
***JOKE***

        A Scotsman was arguing with a conductor as to whether the fare
was 50 or 75 cents.   Finally the disgusted conductor picked up the
Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the train, just as they passed
over a bridge.  The suitcase landed with a splash.
        "Man," screamed the Scotsman, "isn't it enough to try to
overcharge me, but now you try to drown my little boy!"
***JOKE***

Well, the Pentagon has been spending $800 for a hammer, and $650 for a
screwdriver.  The other day, I got a notice from the IRS (Internal Revenue
Service...) saying that I owed $17,000.

I sent them a Black and Decker Circular Saw and told them to keep the
change.
***JOKE***

Computers run because they have smoke built into them.
When the smoke gets out, the computer stops working.
***JOKE***

I recall an incident that aired on C-SPAN during the last campaign where
a senator walked up to the podium to deliver a speech in support of
George Bush.  On the way across the stage, he tripped on a cord,
knocking over a lamp.  He brought down the house, saying "Looks like
there's only 999 points of light now."

***JOKE***

This man is having no luck whatsoever finding employment in New York
City.  He decides maybe he'll have better luck in Washington, DC.  So he
goes to Grand Central Station and with his remaining money, buys a one
way ticket.  As he's waiting, he suffers a heart attack.

Three days later, he wakes up.  He sees a nun standing at the end of the
bed.  She tells him that he was brought to a catholic hospital, where
they operated on him and saved his life.  She says that the hospital
took the  liberty of going through his belongings and frankly, they were
a bit worried as to whether he would be able to pay for the operation.
He admits that  this might be a problem.  He explains how he is
unemployed and had just  spent his last few dollars on a train ticket.

The nun asks, do you have any well-to-do relatives that might be able to
pay your hospital bills for you?  He replies that his only living relative
is his sister, an old spinster nun living in Philadelphia.  The nun becomes
furious.  Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are
married to GOD.

Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law.
***JOKE***

 This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some
  tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face:

  doctor: "Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news".

  guy:    "Well, give me the really bad news first"

  doctor: "You have cancer, and only 6 months to live"

  guy:    "And the bad news?"

  doctor: "You have Alzheimer's disease."

  guy:    "Thank god. I was afraid I had cancer!"
***JOKE***

A man in Russia saves up all his money to buy a car. It takes him years.
Eventually he has enough saved and he goes down to his local Lada dealer.
He pays his money and asks when he can collect his car.

Salesman: You can collect it in 1998.
Buyer: What month?
Salesman: April..
Buyer: What date?
Salesman: The 22nd.
Buyer: Morning or Afternoon?
Salesman: (getting annoyed) What difference does it make, it's 5 years
away.
Buyer: But the plumber is coming in the morning ......
***JOKE***

Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"

The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"
***JOKE***

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
***JOKE***

  Two idiots went into a movie theater to see a horse race film.  The
first idiot said to his companion, "I'll bet you $5 that No. 2 will
win the race."  The second idiot agreed to the bet, and the horse won.
  After the movie, the first idiot said, "I have a confession to make
- I saw the movie yesterday."
  The other idiot replied, "So did I, but I didn't think he would win
twice in a row."
***JOKE***

A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his
lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge.  After hours
of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of
ten years in prison.

Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror.  "You had me so
worried!  When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you
couldn't pull it off."

"I was worried too!" answered the juror.  "The others all wanted to
acquit him!"
***JOKE***

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the Pharmacist,
"Gimme a chap stick."

The Pharmacist asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."
***JOKE***

Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC.
One day they are walking together past the White House when they
hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help."

Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence,
and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton,
drowning in the White House swimming pool.  In an heroic rush, they pull
him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving
his life.

   After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved
my life!  And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as
long as it is within my power as President!"

   The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always
wanted to go to West Point.  Can you get me an appointment?"

   "You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"

   Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis.
Can you get me in?"

   "You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this
afternoon, too."

   After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know,
can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"

   Clinton, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure,
but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?"

   "Nope," replied the remaining fellow.  "Because when I get home and
tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"
***JOKE***

        The doctor explained that a baby wasn't really much trouble,
saying, "Just remember to keep one end empty and the other end full!"
        The baby, a girl, was born two days later than expected.
Holding her, her father said, "Two minutes old and she's already kept a
man waiting!"
***JOKE***

        My son was a smart youngster.  One time he brought home his
report card and said, "Dad, here's my report card, and here's one of
yours I happened to find in the attic!"
***JOKE***

        A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a
big fight with Sidney.  He called me a sissy."
        "What did you do?" the mother asked.
        "I hit him with my purse!"
***JOKE***

        Jenny watched her mother put cream on her face and asked,
"What's that cream for?"
        The mother said, "It's facial cream to make me look gorgeous."
        A few minutes later, the mother removed the cream.  Jenny stared
and then said, "Didn't work, did it?"
***JOKE***

        A man ran into an old maid in the drugstore and said, "Emily, I
hear you're getting married."
        The old maid said, "It's not true, but thank God for the rumor!"
***JOKE***

        An old maid found a burglar under her bed.  Calling the police,
she insisted that they send somebody over in the morning!
***JOKE***

        An old maid expired, saying with her last breath, "Who says you
can't take it with you?"
***JOKE***

        A kiss is a strange thing.   A small boy gets it for nothing.
A young man has to steal it.  And an old man has to pay for it!
***JOKE***

        A lady driver was breaking just about every rule of the road,
and made a turn from the wrong lane into the wrong street.  A policeman
whistled at her.  She refused to stop.  The policeman finally caught up
with her and asked, "Didn't you hear me whistle?"
        The lady driver said, "When I'm driving, I don't flirt!"
***JOKE***

        Old King Cole was very fond of cabbage.   He sent out a decree
that from then on, whenever anyone ate cabbage, it must be shredded and
mixed with mayonnaise and bits of carrots.  This is known today as
Cole's Law.
***JOKE***

        A kid was telling his friend about the changes in his home life.
"You see, we have this new scale in the bathroom.  On the bottom, it
has a dial.  I keep turning it, and you can't imagine how much nicer my
mother is!"
***JOKE***

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest
said:  "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as
long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief
Priest said to him: "Brother John, you have been here a year now, you
may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to
hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." The
next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.  "You may say
another two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John and
the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the
future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again
called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief
Priest. "All you have done since you got here was complain."
***JOKE***

        A man complained that justices of the peace were misnamed.  He'd
been married by one and hadn't had any peace since!
***JOKE***

        Two older men sat on a bench in the park.  One said, "I hear
that eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil."
        The other man said, "I don't like raw oysters, and to tell you
the truth, I don't have any women to write to!"
***JOKE***

        A man went in for an eye examination.  The ophthalmologist
pointed to his chart and asked the man to read the third row from the
bottom....XDRGHFUFQ.  "Read that," he said.
        The man gulped and said, "Can you give me a clue?  What language
is it in?"
***JOKE***

        Playing the stock market offers you a lot of exercise....running
        scared, lifting your hopes, and pressing your luck.
***JOKE***

        Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history.   He
        left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not
        knowing where he was.  He returned not knowing where he had
        been, and did it all on borrowed money.
***JOKE***

        A couple was having a discussion about family finances.  Finally
        the wife exploded, "If it weren't for my money, this house
        wouldn't be here!"
        The husband replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I
        wouldn't be here."
***JOKE***

        A Scotsman won the lottery....yet had a very long face.   When
        asked why, he replied, "Aye, it grieves me to think of the dollar
        I wasted on the second ticket."
***JOKE***

        A Scotsman complained to a magazine that if they didn't stop
        printing Scottish jokes, he wouldn't borrow their magazine to read
        anymore.
***JOKE***

        Innkeeper:  The room is $15 a night.  It's $5 if you make your
                    own bed.
        Guest:      I'll make my own bed.
        Innkeeper:  Good.  I'll get you some nails and wood.
***JOKE***

        Life Insurance Agent:  Don't let me frighten you into a
        decision.  Sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning,
        let me know what you think.
***JOKE***

        Did you hear about the guy who was so broke he couldn't even pay
        attention?
***JOKE***

        A will is a dead giveaway.
***JOKE***

        He who buys a mobile home doesn't get a lot.
***JOKE***

        Q: What has 15 tails and 15 heads?
        A: 15 pennies.
***JOKE***

        Q: What's the quickest way to double your money?
        A: Fold it in half.
***JOKE***

        Q: What's the difference between a Texas oil man and a pigeon?
        A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
***JOKE***

        Death and taxes go hand in hand.  Taxes are murder and murder is
        taxing.
***JOKE***

        Did you hear about the Scotsman who punished his son for buying
        an all-day sucker at 4 p.m.?
***JOKE***

  Guy tells his wife he's going to play 18 holes of golf one Saturday
afternoon. She gets mad at him for always wasting time on the golf
course every weekend.

  He leaves the house with his wife still nagging him.

  On the first hole there is a beautiful blond playing by herself. She
asks him to play as a twosome.  He agrees.  After nine holes she tells
him she's hot and thirsty and invites him to her condo right off the
ninth green.  They go over to her place and after a couple of beers
she starts coming on to him and they end up making love for several
hours and fall to sleep.  He finally wakes up and sees that it is
after dark.  In a panic he throws on his clothes and leaves for home.

  Frantic, he tries to think up a plausible lie to tell his wife why
he's so late.  He finally decides that 'honesty is the best policy'
and opts to tell her the truth!

   He walks in the house and she's in a fury : "Where the heck have
you been?"

Golfer : "Well, honey, I met this blond on the first hole and one
thing led to another and we ended up making love and I fell asleep
over at her place."

  Wife :  "You liar!!!!  You played 36 holes didn't you!!!!!"
***JOKE***

        Two little boys were playing together when a cute, curly-haired
girl walked by.  One kid said, "You know something?  When I stop hating
girls, I think I'll stop hating that one first!"
***JOKE***

        The newlyweds were taking the train to Florida.  Cuddling
together in an upper berth, they had a merry old time.  After the third
marital joining, the bride said, "Darling, I just can't convince myself
that we're really married."
        From a berth halfway down the train, a deep voice bellowed,
"Convince her!  I'd like to get some sleep!"
***JOKE***

        A kangaroo yanked her young one out of her pouch and gave it a
healthy smack on the backside.  "I'll teach you, she declared, "to eat
crackers in bed!"
***JOKE***

        A thoughtful pediatrician reminded a comparatively new father,
"Never spank your child on an empty stomach.  Be sure to eat something
first."   Then he noticed that the baby's hair had turned white.  "This
kid worrying about something?" he asked.
        "It's not the kid at all," the father answered him.  "It's my
near-sighted wife.  She keeps powdering the wrong end."
***JOKE***

        An older man went to a doctor for some potency shots.  When the
doctor's bill came, the older man wrote out an amount much larger than
was requested.  Getting the check, the doctor's nurse called up to see
why the amount was higher than had been charged.  The older man said,
"The extra twenty dollars is from my wife!"
***JOKE***

This little old lady was driving her VW beetle when she experienced
some trouble...it died right there!  Well, she managed to get out of
the direct line of traffic, got out and proceeded to the front of the
car, and raised the hood.  While she stood peering in, a second
little old lady pulled up, also in a VW Beetle, and offered some
assistance.  "What's Wrong?" the second asked the first.  "I seem to
have lost my engine!" replied the first.  "OH! How lucky!! I just happen
to have a spare in my trunk!" exclaimed the second!
***JOKE***

        A Sunday School teacher, hard up for subjects to talk about, was
discussing with her class how Noah might have spent his time on the ark.
A girl volunteered, "Maybe he went fishing."
        A boy countered, "With only two worms?"
***JOKE***

        An older couple regularly attended church.  The pastor was much
impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed.   They
always held hands all through the service. One day after church, the
pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express his admiration.  He
said, "I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even,
after all these years, holding hands like that."
        The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's not love, Pastor,
I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."
***JOKE***

Two friends were having lunch one afternoon and one said to the other,
"I just don't understand, as soon as anybody finds out I'm a lawyer,
they take an instant disliking to me."

Her friend replies, "Maybe they figure it just saves time."
***JOKE***

        A man, who was over one hundred years of age, kept giving in to
his amorous urges.  Attractive to women, young and old, he put a notch
in his cane for each conquest.  A month later he died.  He made the
mistake of leaning on his cane!
***JOKE***

So Marvin decides to go to the beach and he sees this guy, with
chicks all around him.

He says to the lifeguard, "Gosh, lookit that guy, he's got all the luck,
he gets more girls than you or I could ever imagine!   How does he do
it?"

The lifeguard looks at him and says, "Marvin, tomorrow, come back with a
potato in your pants and see what happens."

Well, he does indeed this.  However, everyone was laughing at him.

So Marvin goes to the lifeguard and says, "I did what you said.  I put
a potato in my pants, but now everyone is laughing at me.   What are
you trying to do to me?"

The lifeguard looks at him and says, "You were SUPPOSED to put it in the
FRONT!"
***JOKE***

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to
bring in a permission slip in order to take it.  A boy handed in his
slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as
long as there's no homework."
***JOKE***

There was this elderly man who hadn't had sex in, oh, quite a long
while.  His friends decided to buy the old man a call girl on his
birthday.

        That evening the lady came to the old man and said,
        "I'm here to give you super sex."

        The old man responded:
        Well, in that case I'll take the soup.
***JOKE***

 Q: What are the last two words of the Star Spangled Banner?
 A: "Play ball!"
***JOKE***

Q: How do you know when Michael Jackson has company over?
A: There's a bunch of Big Wheels in front of his house.
***JOKE***

        The minister told his housekeeper, "The Powells should be here
for dinner at seven, but knowing them, I think I'll give them a half
hour of grace."
        The housekeeper said, "That'll teach them to be on time!"
***JOKE***

        A very conservative doctor was consulted by an older man who
wasn't feeling very well.   After a thorough medical checkup, the doctor
said, "Mr. Kramer, I can't find anything specifically wrong with you.  I
have only one suggestion...that you...eh, eh...give up some of your love
life."
        There was a long pause, and then Mr. Kramer said, "O.K., Doc.
But which half should I give up:  thinking about it or talking about
it?"
***JOKE***

        Said John to Mary, "I'll bet you ten cents I can kiss you on the
lips without touching them."
        "You're crazy," said Mary.  "That's impossible.  Here's a dime
that says you can't."
        The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then
enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately,
and moistly.
        She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You
did nothing BUT touch my lips."
        John pushed the dimes toward her and said, "So I lose."
***JOKE***

        A woman well into her eighties begged her doctor for
birth-control pills so she could sleep better.   The doctor refused her
request, but she kept begging.   Finally he gave in.   A month later the
woman returned and asked for more pills.  The doctor said, "Do they
really help you sleep better?   There's not one word in the literature
about the sedative effect of this pill.  How does it work for you?"
        The old woman said, "In the morning I put one in my
granddaughter's juice.  I sleep like a log!"
***JOKE***

        A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being
                cross-examined.
        The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
        "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice.  "Once."
        "Whom did you marry?"
        "Well, a woman."
        The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman.
        Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
        And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."
***JOKE***

        The dean of women, addressing her charges, concluded, "And
remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that
of the school.  When approached by young men, ask yourself:  Is an
hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace?  Now, are there any
questions?"
        A young lady raised her hand instantly and said, "Tell me, how
do you make it last an hour?"
***JOKE***

        The Southern father was introducing his family of boys to a
visiting governor.
        "Thirteen boys," exclaimed the governor.  "And all Democrats, I
suppose."
        "All but one," said the father proudly.  "They're all Democrats
but Willie, the little rascal.  He got to readin'."
***JOKE***

        A man goes to heaven.  Escorted by an angel, he walks around.
As they pass different areas, the angel points out the Catholics, The
Jews, the Seventh-Day Adventists, and many other groups.  They reach a
high wall.  The angel responds to the man's inquiring look, saying, "The
Protestants are on the other side.  They think they're the only ones up
here!"
***JOKE***

        A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
        Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
        The man said, "No problem."  With that he reached into his
pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.  "Try these," he said.
        The speaker tried them.  "Too loose," he said.
        The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
        The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
        The man was not taken back at all.  He then said, "I have one
more pair of false teeth...try them."
        The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."  With that he ate his
meal and gave his address.
        After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to
thank the man who had helped him.
        "I want to thank you for coming to my aid.  Where is your
office?  I've been looking for a good dentist."
        The man replied, "I'm not a dentist.  I'm the local
undertaker."
***JOKE***

        Two woman met while shopping.  When they started to discuss
their home lives, one of them said, "I've been fighting day and night
with my husband.  It's so aggravating, I've lost twenty pounds."
        The other woman said, "Stop arguing."
        The first woman said, "Not yet.  I want to lose another twenty!"
***JOKE***

        Al was finding it difficult to sleep at night.  He begged the
doctor to give him a strong sedative.  The doctor obliged, but told him
to take only half of the prescribed pill.  To make sure he slept, Al
took a whole pill and went to sleep.
        As dawn came up, Al awoke.  He felt refreshed.   Cheerful, he
went to work.   As he walked into the office, he saw the boss and said,
"I'm ready.  I slept like a log.  I jumped out of bed like a kid this
morning."
        The boss said, "Nice.  But where were you yesterday?"
***JOKE***

Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears who went to
the doctors office? The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears.
   "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the salesman
   "But instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck
it to my ear."
   "Wow," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what happened
to your other ear?"
   The salesman replied, "Whoever it was called back."
***JOKE***

        A nurse was showing some visitors through the hospital.
Pointing to a special section of a ward...a group of young men...she
said, "This is the most hazardous place for a nurse.  These men are
almost well!"
***JOKE***

  A man drove up to the pope's house one day in a long stretch limo.
The pope walked out and was about to get into the car when he said to
his driver, "You know, I've always wanted to drive one of these
things.  The driver said, "You go ahead and drive it, your excellency."
So the pope goes up to the driver's side door, gets in and drives away.
A little while later, a cop pulls him over for speeding. So, he rolls
down the window and waits for the cop to come over.

"Yes?" the pope asks.
"Uhh... you were speeding," the cop says.

He didn't expect the pope, I'll tell you that.

"Well then I have to have a ticket, now don't I, my son?"
"Uhh... wait just a minute, your excellency, I'll be back."

  So the cop, who by the way, was a rookie, walked back to his car and
picked up the radio. The dispatch said, "Hello?"  "I need Sergeant
Jones." So the dispatcher lady transferred him, and the rookie said,
"I need some help."

"Well, speak up, son!" the Sergeant said, "I haven't got all day,
you know!"

"Yes sir. But I pulled someone over who I don't know if I should
give a ticket to."
"Why not?" the Sergeant asked, "if he was speeding, then he needs to
have a ticket.
"But this person is REALLY important."
"Is it the mayor?"
"No,"
"Is it the governor?"
"No, it isn't," the rookie replied.
"Is it a senator? A representative?"
"No, more important than those people."
"Is it the president?"
"No, still more important that him."
"Then who is it?"
"I dunno," the rookie replied, "But the pope is chauffeuring him!"
***JOKE***

It was just after the Revolution in France in 1814, and people were
being executed right and left.

"Hear ye, hear ye! Today we have a triple feature: an atheist, a
priest, and a computer programmer!" "Huzzah! Huzzah!"

The executioner said to the atheist, "We're having a special today:
you can go to your Maker face up or face down.  What will it be?"

Atheist says, "I don't believe there *is* a Maker. Send me face down."

So the executioner pulls the lever, and the guillotine drops, but
just before it gets to him, it stops in mid-air. "A *miracle*!" the
crowd shouts! So they let him go free.

He turns to the priest. "Face up or face down?" "Oh, I'm too humble
to go face up," he says. So they put him in face down, and pull the
lever. It falls, but stops before it hits him. "*Another* miracle!"
the crowd shouts, and they let him go free.

The executioner turns to computer programmer, asks "Face up or face
down?" "I've always been a curious guy," he says. "Let me go face up."
They put him in, reach over to pull the lever, and he says, "Wait a
minute! I see what the problem is: you've got a kink in that rope up
there."
***JOKE***

   Middle age is when your glasses and your waistline get thicker.
   And your hair and your wallet get thinner;
   When you don't give much thought to exercise...
   An entirely too much to dinner.
***JOKE***

   You don't have wrinkles.  Those are laugh lines.  I guess you do a
        lot of laughing.
***JOKE***

        A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a
movie theater.   As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over
and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats.  Didn't
you learn any manners?  Where did you come from?"
        The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
***JOKE***

        The priest was exhorting the parishioners to do good deeds
because there was no telling when something might cut their lives short.
"Yes" he said, "somebody in this parish will die today."
        A man in the back sighed with relief and said, "Thank the Lord
I'm not from this parish!"
***JOKE***

        The train was about to pull out of the station.  Swinging a
large valise, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his valise
onto the rear observation car, and climb aboard, gasping for air.
Looking at him, another rider said, "Young man, you should be in better
shape.  At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and
still be fresh.  Look at you, panting away."
        The young man took a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this
train at the last station."
***JOKE***

God told man, "I'm going to give you ten years of a normal sex life."
Man said, "That's not enough.  The way I feel, I need much more."
God said, "If I give you something, don't complain."
Man said, "But sex isn't just something."
God said, "Look, I'm busy.  We'll talk again."
God called the King of the Beasts to him and said, "Lion, you've got
twenty years of sex life."
The lion said, "Ten will be enough."
Man said, "Let me have the extra ten."
God nodded and said, "You've got it."
God gave the monkey twenty years.  The monkey said that ten would
be enough.
Man raised his hand.  God nodded and gave him the extra ten.

Before the day was over, God had given man ten years the donkey didn't
want and a final ten that parrots couldn't use.

        That may explain why men have ten normal years of sex, ten years
of lion about it, ten years of monkeying around with it, ten years of
being an ass about it, and ten years of talking about it!
***JOKE***

        A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers,
yelling, "Read all about it.  Fifty people swindled!  Fifty people
swindled!"
        Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the
front page.  Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here
about fifty people being swindled."
        The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all
about it.  Fifty-one people swindled!"
***JOKE***

        A group of morons were hired to put up telephone poles.  An
executive of the phone company came around in the afternoon and
discovered that the work gang had only put up two poles.  Upset, he
said, "That's ridiculous.  Look down the road.  The work gang yesterday
put up thirty poles."
        One of the workers said, "Sure.  But look how far out of the
ground they left them!"
***JOKE***