MacFormat 1994 November/macformat-018.iso/Comms Spectacular/Mansion9Install#1 Folder/Mansion BBS ƒ/Quotes folder/Quote File 1

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%%01
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
     If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
%%02
Van Roy's Law:
     An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
%%03
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
%%04
Arthur's Laws of Love:
    1.  People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
    2.  The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
%%05
Colvard's Logical Premises:
    All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
    This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary
    Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
%%
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
    Superiority is recessive.
%%
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%%
Ducharm's Axiom:
    If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
    yourself as part of the problem.
%%
A Law of Computer Programming:
    Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
    will find the programmers cannot write in English.
%%
Turnaucka's Law:
    The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
    electrical cord.
%%
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
%%
Bradley's Bromide:
    If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
    committee -- that will do them in.
%%
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
%%
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
%%
Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
%%
Eleanor Rigby
    Sits at the keyboard
    And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
    Finding some code
    That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
%%
The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
        -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
%%
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
        -- Groucho Marx
%%
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
        -- Groucho Marx
%%
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
        -- Adlai Stevenson
%%
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
        -- John Ciardi
%%
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
%%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
        -- Jules de Gaultier
%%
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
%%
Justice: A decision in your favor.
%%
Kin: An affliction of the blood
%%
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
%%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
%%
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
%%
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
%%
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
        -- Mark Twain
%%
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
        -- Oscar Wilde
%%
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
%%
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
%%
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
        -- Ambrose Bierce
%%
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
        -- Anatole France
%%
BLISS is ignorance
%%
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)

  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie    36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water                 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar         2 tablespoons lemon juice
  Grated rind of one lemon           Butter or margarine
  Cinnamon

Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.

        -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
%%
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
%%
The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
    To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
    program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
    one, and convert to the next higher units.
%%
Predestination was doomed from the start.
%%
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...
        -- Carl Zwanzig
%%
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
%%
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
%%
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
%%
Love is sentimental measles.
%%
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
%%
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
%%
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
%%
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
%%
"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
%%
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce"
        -- Winston Churchill
%%
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
        -- Hilaire Belloc
%%
Hello Dr. Falken.
Would you like to play Global Thermo-nuclear War?
%%
Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to
get any programs at all and take what they get.

Real Programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write, it should
be hard to understand.

Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right down on
the bare metal.  Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems
programming.

Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  In fact, real programmers don't know how to
SPELL quiche.  They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food.
%%
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.

Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time.  But if you throw
them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour
debugging sessions.

Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and
crystallography weenies.

Real Programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are around a 9 AM,
it's because they were up all night.

Real Programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in BASIC
after the age of 12.
%%
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't decide
whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.

Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to
changer clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their
climbing boots to work in case a  mountain should suddenly spring up in the
middle of the machine room.

Real Programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who can't read the
listings or the object deck.

Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko
computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
%%
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you learn to fake that you have
it made.
%%
Never let your child play with a loaded carp.
%%
The answer is 42.
-Deep Thought
%%
I don't do booze,
it dulls the drugs.
%%
LSD consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
%%
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
%%
Computers are infalllible.
%%
The three laws of thermodynamics:

The First Law:    You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law:    The most you can accomplish by working is to break
        even.
The Third Law:    You can only break even at absolute zero.
%%
Famous last words:
    1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
    2) "You and what army?"
    3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
        a cop."
%%
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
    Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
    in kernel as it is in user!
%%
Nothing is faster than the speed of light...

To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
the light comes on.
%%
    AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.  You lie
a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
again.  People think you are stupid.
%%
    PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.
%%
    ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
nice.
%%
    TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
%%
    GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
incest.
%%
    CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.
%%
    LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.  Most
Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
%%
    VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
%%
    LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
%%
    SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio
people are murdered.
%%
    SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a great deal.
%%
    CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
%%
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
   San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
%%
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
%%
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
%%
    A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
incredible surgical feat."
    The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
architect."
    The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%%
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
%%
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
%%
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
%%
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
        -- Mark Twain
%%
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
        -- George Bernard Shaw
%%
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his
decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
%%
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng.
130 midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on
his exam.  Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
%%
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
        -- Walt Kelly
%%
Laetrile is the pits
%%
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
%%
There's no future in time travel
%%
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
%%
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
%%
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
%%
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
%%
"Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
%%
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
        -- Bruce Leverett
           "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
%%
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
three friends.  If they're ok, you're it.
%%
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
%%
Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from
FROBNITZ.  Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to
frob a frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless
manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is
turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
%%
USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
%%
Worst Month of the Year: February.  February has only 28 days in it,
which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
full days you don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
%%
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout.  This is also the
worst vegetable of next year.
%%
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.  Simply remove all the
little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will
now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.
According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
%%
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.  The lines are the
shortest, though.
%%
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
    But she started absorbin'
    A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
%%
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
        -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
%%
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
        -- Albert Einstein
%%
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
        -- Eleanor Roosevelt
%%
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
%%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
%%
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
%%
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
        -- Bill Hoest
%%
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
%%
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
%%
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
%%
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
%%
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
%%
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
%%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%%
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
hope I don't get run over again.
%%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
%%
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
%%
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
%%
Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
%%
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
%%
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
%%
"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
%%
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
%%
Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
%%
Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
dispel a source of error in an opponent.
%%
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
%%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
    But this output can be
    No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
        -- Gigo
%%
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
%%
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.

It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
%%
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
        -- Dorothy Parker
%%
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
        -- Mark Twain
%%
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
        -- Henry Kissinger
%%
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
        --Oscar Wilde
%%
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
        -- Oscar Wilde
%%
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends.
        -- Herbert Hoover
%%
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
        -- Oscar Wilde
%%
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
        -- Lewis Carroll
%%
It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
        -- Woody Allen.
%%
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
        -- Oscar Wilde
%%
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
        -- Joe Walsh
%%
43rd Law of Computing:
    Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
%%
             JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
              by Mark Isaak

    Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
    So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
    "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
    "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
    "I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
    Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
    "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window...
%%


%%
              THE STORY OF CREATION
                   or
             THE MYTH OF URK

In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,
and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be
registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;
and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data
Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening
and there was morning, one interrupt...

        -- Rico Tudor
%%
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
        -- Lazarus Long
%%
FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
%%
Only God can make random selections.
%%
Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.

        -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%%
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
    They usually have virgins,
    And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%%
Kinkler's First Law:
    Responsibility always exceeds authority.

Kinkler's Second Law:
    All the easy problems have been solved.
%%
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
        -- Bertold Brecht
%%
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
%%
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None.  The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
the way.
%%
University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
%%
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."

How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
%%
        William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never
be used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to
agree with their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words
out.  If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must
not shift your point of view.  And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing.  Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows
the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.
%%
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
        -- Mark Twain
%%
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss
%%
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
%%
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
%%
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
%%
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
%%
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
%%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
%%
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
%%
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
%%
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese
%%
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
%%
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
%%
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
        -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
%%
Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken
soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
        -- Arthur Naiman
%%
    There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
this?
    Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _y_o_u
can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
        -- Arthur Naiman
%%
    An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
    "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
    The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
        -- Arthur Naiman
%%
Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".

    Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
    "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?
    Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow....
    Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
think not, my friend, I think not.
        -- Arthur Naiman
%%
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"

    Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
        -- Arthur Naiman
%%
Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,
as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:

    "I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
    "Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
Macaroons are _v_e_r_y Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
goyish.  Lime soda is _v_e_r_y goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
Jews won't go near them..."

        -- Arthur Naiman
%%
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "_s_o_m_e_b_o_d_y has to buy
retail."
        -- Arthur Naiman
%%
Half-done:  This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's
still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference
between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
the the difference between life and death.
    You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
    Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
        -- Arthur Naiman
%%
    A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
    "No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
    "But the collar is up around my ears!"
    "It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little...no, a little
more...that's it."
    "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
    "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
    So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
    "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
    "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
        -- Arthur Naiman
%%
    Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
Esther and hustle them off to prison.
    They can't prove who they are because they've left their
passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day
and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
    The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call
her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
possible, and turns to Murray.
    "This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
spits in the sergeants face.
    "Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
        -- Arthur Naiman
%%
Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
    A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
    A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"  The cantor, not to be
bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
    The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
am nobody!"  The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
he's nobody!"
%%
"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
        -- Paul McCracken
%%
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to
have nothing whatever to do with it.
        -- W. Somerset Maughm
%%
Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
        -- George Saunders' dying words
%%
Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.
        -- John Barrymore's dying words
%%
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
%%
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
one.
%%
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
%%
Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
%%
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was
written and another for which it wasn't.
%%
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
him up.
%%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%%
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
%%
Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how _n_o_t to.  So it is with the great programmers.
%%