And this chick was fat, too! If she gains another pound, she'll have to have her car let out!
And we were poor too! Why, if I wasn't a boy I'd have nothing to play with!
I'm OK now but last week I was in rough shape. I looked up my family tree and found I was the sap!
I can't get no respect! A hooker once told me she had a headache!
I can't get no respect! I took my girl to the top of the Empire State Building and planes started attacking me!
I could tell my parents hated me! My bath toys were a toaster, and a radio.
I don't want to say she's ugly, but the last time I saw a mouth like her's it had a hook in it!
I knew a girl that was so ugly she looked like she came in second in a hachet fight!
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for indecent exposure!
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!
It's been a rough day! I got up this morning, put on my shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!
My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens!
My girlfriend called me and said, 'Come on over, there's no one here.' I went over, and there was no one there!
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I said, 'I want a second opinion.' He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too!'
My wife isn't very bright. The other day someone stole our car. I said, 'Did you see the guy that did it?' She said, 'No, but I got the tag number!'
What a dog I've got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
I asked my mother what would make her happy. She said, 'Your face on a milk carton!'
You might be a redneck if... Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
You might be a redneck if... All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
You might be a redneck if... You wash your car more often than your kids.
You might be a redneck if... You're not allowed to mention the game warden's name in the house.
You might be a redneck if... Your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop for clothes.
You might be a redneck if... Your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill.
You might be a redneck if... There are tobacco stains down the sides of your school bus.
You might be a redneck if... Blowing a tire means a new flower pot for the front yard.
You might be a redneck if... Everyone in your family is an Elvis impersonator.
You might be a redneck if... You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You might be a redneck if... You can give the date and place of every bullet hole in your car.
You might be a redneck if... Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
You might be a redneck if... Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
You might be a redneck if... The Orkin man tells you, "Give up; you've lost."
You might be a redneck if... You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
You might be a redneck if... Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home.
You might be a redneck if... Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
You might be a redneck if... Your idea of a really big time is shooting rats at the dump.
You might be a redneck if... There are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever left Santa Claus a PBR and a Slim Jim.
You might be a redneck if... Your parrot can say, "Open up, it's the police!"
You might be a redneck if... You've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
You might be a redneck if... You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You might be a redneck if... You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You might be a redneck if... Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."
You might be a redneck if... Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.
You might be a redneck if... There are four pair of pants and three squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
You might be a redneck if... Your family business requires a lookout.
You might be a redneck if... You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.
You might be a redneck if... You slam the door on your truck and your shotgun creates an instant sunroof.
You might be a redneck if... You have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can fit in the truck.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever been getting gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You might be a redneck if... You have to take the entire day off work to have your teeth cleaned.
You might be a redneck if... Your mother has ever been arrested for poaching.
You might be a redneck if... You're ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine. (PUI)
You might be a redneck if... Your wife's brass knuckles set off the airport security alarm.
You might be a redneck if... Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
You might be a redneck if... You consider dating second cousins as "playing the field."
You might be a redneck if... You've ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
You might be a redneck if... Your welcome mat says, "You'd better have a search warrant."
You might be a redneck if... You've ever named a child after a good dog.
You might be a redneck if... The only work your father ever did was supervised by a man holding a shotgun.
You might be a redneck if... You converted your carport into a beauty shop.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal!"
You might be a redneck if... You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
You might be a redneck if... Stealing road signs is a family outing.
You might be a redneck if... The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
You might be a redneck if... You forego a haircut because there's not a clean bowl in the house.
You might be a redneck if... You hold a frog, and it worries about getting warts.
You might be a redneck if... You paint your car with house paint.
You might be a redneck if... You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
You might be a redneck if... You're still upset about "Gunsmoke" being cancelled.
You might be a redneck if... You drove to elementary school.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
You might be a redneck if... You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
You might be a redneck if... Your sister subscribes to "Soldier of Fortune" magazine.
You might be a redneck if... Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
You might be a redneck if... Your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner.
You might be a redneck if... The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
You might be a redneck if... Bikers back down from your momma.
You might be a redneck if... You think paprika is a third-world country.
You might be a redneck if... You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.
You might be a redneck if... Your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.
You might be a redneck if... You think "recycling" means going home from work.
You might be a redneck if... You think toilet water is exactly that.
You might be a redneck if... You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
You might be a redneck if... You shop for groceries at a gas station.
You might be a redneck if... Your car stereo costs more than your car.
You might be a redneck if... You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
You might be a redneck if... You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You might be a redneck if... Your dog doubles as your dishwasher.
You might be a redneck if... Your driveway is bordered by half-buried tractor tires.
You might be a redneck if... Your dog can smoke a cigarette.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever heckled during a eulogy.
You might be a redneck if... The Roto-Rooter man comes to your house and asks, "What's that smell?"
You might be a redneck if... Your wading boots double as dress pants.
You might be a redneck if... The last photos of your mama were taken from the front and the side.
You might be a redneck if... The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
You might be a redneck if... People hunt in your front yard.
You might be a redneck if... Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You might be a redneck if... Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries.
You might be a redneck if... There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
You might be a redneck if... You hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.
You might be a redneck if... Today's dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday.
You might be a redneck if... Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
You might be a redneck if... Your truck can pass over a 55-gallon drum without touching it.
You might be a redneck if... Your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
You might be a redneck if... You refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year."
You might be a redneck if... Your mother gives you tips on how to sneak liquor into sports events.
You might be a redneck if... Your idea of going formal is a black truck.
You might be a redneck if... You have a tattoo that says, "Born to bag groceries."
You might be a redneck if... All the art in your living room was purchased at gas stations.
You might be a redneck if... Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You might be a redneck if... Your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.
You might be a redneck if... Going to the bathroom late at night requires shoes and a flashlight.
You might be a redneck if... You wake up with Red Man in your hair.
You might be a redneck if... You keep catfish in your aquarium.
You might be a redneck if... Your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.
You might be a redneck if... When you talk about great mullet fishermen, Granny's name always comes up.
You might be a redneck if... You have orange road cones in your living room.
You might be a redneck if... You can take your bra off while driving.
You might be a redneck if... You get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
You might be a redneck if... Your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.
You might be a redneck if... You walk into a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth.
You might be a redneck if... You can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells."
You might be a redneck if... You can't schedule a family reunion until after the parole board meets.
You might be a redneck if... You have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.
You might be a redneck if... You get your oil changed by your barber.
You might be a redneck if... Girls' night out is held at the laundromat.
You might be a redneck if... On your honeymoon you leave the driving to Greyhound.
You might be a redneck if... There is a ham hanging from your front porch.
You might be a redneck if... You can smoke a cigarette to the end without knocking off the ash.
You might be a redneck if... Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
You might be a redneck if... You have to mow your driveway.
You might be a redneck if... You give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.
You might be a redneck if... You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
You might be a redneck if... You can count the number of teeth you have on one hand.
You might be a redneck if... The kids are going hungry because you had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
You might be a redneck if... You can spit without opening your mouth.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
You might be a redneck if... Your junior-senior prom had a daycare center.
You might be a redneck if... The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
You might be a redneck if... You use a '55 Chevy as a guest house.
You might be a redneck if... Your John Deere hat fell off when you kissed the bride at your wedding.
You might be a redneck if... You have to re-crank your car at every intersection.
You might be a redneck if... You grow your sideburns longer & fuller because it looks so good on your sister.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You might be a redneck if... You use a fishing license as a form of Identification.
You might be a redneck if... Your Christmas cards have a xerox copy of your butt included.
You might be a redneck if... You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.
You might be a redneck if... The hood and one door are a different color than the rest of your car.
You might be a redneck if... Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission, so I can take a bath!"
You might be a redneck if... The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You might be a redneck if... Jack Daniels is rated #1 on your list of most admired people.
You might be a redneck if... Your wife has a beer belly, and you find it attractive.
You might be a redneck if... Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You might be a redneck if... You say, "I heard dat!" more than three times in a two-minute conversation.
You might be a redneck if... For a good time, you go nuts at the local Auto Zone.
You might be a redneck if... You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You might be a redneck if... You have a tire swing in your house.
You might be a redneck if... Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
You might be a redneck if... You write off a radiator as a business expense.
You might be a redneck if... Your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.
You might be a redneck if... Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You might be a redneck if... You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
You might be a redneck if... You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."
You might be a redneck if... You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.
You might be a redneck if... Your kids have a three-day-old Kool-Aid mustache.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever taken out a restraining order against your mother-in-law.
You might be a redneck if... You think people who have electricity are uppity.
You might be a redneck if... Your talent in the local beauty pageant was making noises with your armpit.
You might be a redneck if... You have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.
You might be a redneck if... Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
You might be a redneck if... You sell rabbits out of your car.
You might be a redneck if... Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
You might be a redneck if... You bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
A common New York health code violation? Hot dogs kept warm in street vendor's pants.
A common New York health code violation? Rat in rice canister not wearing a hairnet.
A common New York health code violation? Dishwasher replaced by St. Bernard who laps plates clean.
A common New York health code violation? Tank of live lobsters with wet, hacking coughs.
A common New York health code violation? Kitchen full of shirtless fat guys soothing sunburns with raw veal.
A common New York health code violation? Fry cook not washing hands after strangling somebody.
A common New York health code violation? Raymond Burr's swimming trunks found in kettle of corn chowder.
A common New York health code violation? French onion soup thickened with Vaseline.
A common New York health code violation? Al Sharpton's hot tub.
A common New York health code violation? So-called "sidewalk pate'".
How to tell if you're possessed? You feel stuffed even after a light dinner.
How to tell if you're possessed? Your voice sounds more and more like Bea Arthur's.
How to tell if you're possessed? You run around your Palm Beach house wearing nothing but an Oxford shirt.
How to tell if you're possessed? You ask the barber to cut your hair a little more like Hitler's.
How to tell if you're possessed? You find yourself wondering what sex with Cher would be like.
How to tell if you're possessed? You don't have to use a rear-view mirror to look at the cars behind you.
How to tell if you're possessed? You're a former cast member of "Diff'rent Strokes".
How to tell if you're possessed? Every time you hiccup, sparks fly out of your mouth.
How to tell if you're possessed? You become Vice President of the United States even though you are a total boob.
How to tell if you're possessed? When the "Father Dowling" show comes on, your eyes start to sting.
A trick to play on the census taker? Shout all your responses as if you were a contestant on "Family Feud".
A trick to play on the census taker? Have a two-headed friend hang out in living room. Ask if he counts as 1 or 2.
A trick to play on the census taker? Repeatedly ask, "And how many Eskimos did we count today?"
A trick to play on the census taker? Invite them to take a shower with you.
A trick to play on the census taker? Ask if you have to fill out the form in pencil or if human blood is okay.
A trick to play on the census taker? Insist on First Amendment right to answer questions in mime.
A trick to play on the census taker? Two words: plastic vomit.
A trick to play on the census taker? Start going "168 million and one..168 million and two" to screw him up.
A fast-food franchise in Iraq? Kentucky Gassed Chicken.
A fast-food franchise in Iraq? Sand-In-The-Box.
A fast-food franchise in Iraq? Saddam's Big Boy.
A fast-food franchise in Iraq? Goats 'n' Stuff.
A fast-food franchise in Iraq? Veil-less Babes Donut Shop.
A fast-food franchise in Iraq? Donkey Hut.
A fast-food franchise in Iraq? Glorious Martyred Chicken Parts.
A fast-food franchise in Iraq? Falafel Bell.
A fast-food franchise in Iraq? Taco Tent.
A fast-food franchise in Iraq? Stuff Your Hump.
Justifiable grounds for homicide? Using CB lingo.
Justifiable grounds for homicide? Talking loudly in restaurant about your bladder infection.
Justifiable grounds for homicide? Being a New Kid on the Block.
Justifiable grounds for homicide? Trying to start "the wave".
New feature on Air Force One? External P.A. system so President can greet drivers on highways below.
New feature on Air Force One? Coppertone banner for flying over beach.
New feature on Air Force One? Fake antenna to make people think they have a cellular phone on board.
New feature on Air Force One? Button that transforms plane into glowing saucer to screw with farmers in West.
New feature on Air Force One? Stealth babes.
New feature on Air Force One? Phony steering wheel so Vice President can pretend he's flying plane.
How to get kicked out of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Every time a float goes by, scream at the top of your lungs,"She's gonna blow!".
How to get kicked out of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Repeatedly ask total strangers if you can sit on their shoulders.
How to get kicked out of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Go up on Macy's roof; fish for Willard's toupee.
How to get kicked out of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Throw your hotel keys onto the float with Little Bo-Peep.
How to get kicked out of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Rub Kermit balloon on Al Sharpton's hair;then stick it on the Chrysler Building.
How to get kicked out of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Cold-cock Santa; take his place dressed as Roy Orbison.
How to get kicked out of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Enter your own float? The Life-Size Beat-Up Camaro With 15 Dudes Crammed In It.
How to get kicked out of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Take a leak off to the side of the reviewing stand.
How to get kicked out of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? Go on and on about how much better the Sears Thanksgiving Day Parade is.
How to get kicked out of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? March pantsless.
Work-related injury at the WHAM-O factory? Pulled Slinky.
Work-related injury at the WHAM-O factory? Whiffle Welts.
Work-related injury at the WHAM-O factory? Decapitation by Experimental Razor Frisbee.
Work-related injury at the WHAM-O factory? Tripping Over Gummy Web of Silly String into Table Saw.
Work-related injury at the WHAM-O factory? Slip 'n' Slide 'n' Concussion.
Work-related injury at the WHAM-O factory? Overcome by Fumes from a Batch of Custom-Order Toxic Play-Doh for the Pentagon.
Work-related injury at the WHAM-O factory? Yo-yo Recoil Cranial Fracture.
Work-related injury at the WHAM-O factory? Burnt Tongue from Cafeteria Chili.
Work-related injury at the WHAM-O factory? Punctured Water Weenie.
Work-related injury at the WHAM-O factory? Hula-Hoop Chafing.
Rejected NFL Team Name? The Opticians.
Rejected NFL Team Name? The Groin-Pullers.
Rejected NFL Team Name? The Fragile Porcelain Mice.
Rejected NFL Team Name? The Fightin' Amish.
Rejected NFL Team Name? The Blood-Swollen Ticks.
Rejected NFL Team Name? The Velveteen Rabbits.
Rejected NFL Team Name? The Referee Killers.
Rejected NFL Team Name? The Soft Angora Sweater-Wearing Debutantes.
Rejected NFL Team Name? The Greasy Ferrets.
Rejected NFL Team Name? The Highly Paid Dumb Guys.
An inexpensive weekend activity in New York? Ruptured-pipe steam baths in middle of street.
An inexpensive weekend activity in New York? Lie down in chalk body outlines to see if they fit.
An inexpensive weekend activity in New York? Rummage through meat plant dumpsters; try to assemble your own cow.
An inexpensive weekend activity in New York? Watch "America's Most Wanted," then go fugitive-spotting at the Port Authority.
An inexpensive weekend activity in New York? Using birdseed, get Columbus Circle pigeons to spell out nasty words.
An inexpensive weekend activity in New York? Throw rocks at Chrysler Building; wait for Old Man Chrysler to chase you away.
An inexpensive weekend activity in New York? Buy a fake police ID in Times Square and strip-search yourself.
An inexpensive weekend activity in New York? Remember--the D in D Train is for Dancing!
Government Euphemisms for a Recession? A good time to switch to RC Cola.
Government Euphemisms for a Recession? The National Bummer.
Government Euphemisms for a Recession? A treat for our bankruptcy lawyer friends.
A pet peeve of guys who manage Big and Tall men's stores? When a size 54 doesn't close the dressing room curtain all the way.
A pet peeve of guys who manage Big and Tall men's stores? When Roger Ebert tries to return old bathing suits.
A pet peeve of guys who manage Big and Tall men's stores? Annoying "thwack" as customer walks into ceiling fan.
A pet peeve of guys who manage Big and Tall men's stores? Never get to meet Jake, only the Fatman.
A pet peeve of guys who manage Big and Tall men's stores? Broken chairs.
A job with more security than Yankee manager? Official car-starter for Mr. Gotti.
A job with more security than Yankee manager? Cleveland Indians World Series victory parade organizer.
A job with more security than Yankee manager? Colombian judge.
A job with more security than Yankee manager? Co-host on the "Today" show.
A job with more security than Yankee manager? Salesclerk in an incredibly delicate porcelain vase shop, Beirut.
A job with more security than Yankee manager? Curator of the George Plimpton Museum in Harlem.
A job with more security than Yankee manager? Member of the New Monkees.
A job with more security than Yankee manager? Handyman who puts new nameplate on Yankee manager's door.
A job with more security than Yankee manager? Guy who deflects things being thrown at Dan Quayle's head.
Summer fun tip from General Electric? Tie thousands of light bulbs together; raft down Colorado River!
Summer fun tip from General Electric? Huge electric turbines make great frisbee launchers!
Summer fun tip from General Electric? Try to catch defective G.E. jet engine parts as they drop from the sky.
Summer fun tip from General Electric? Fire someone.
Summer fun tip from General Electric? At the beach, play "Bury an Expensive American-Made VCR"!
Summer fun tip from General Electric? Install an air conditioner in your oven for food so cool it's hot!
Summer fun tip from General Electric? Use your three-speed fan to make monster daiquiris!
Summer fun tip from General Electric? Get a G.E. toaster tan!
A less popular supermarket chain? Pick 'n' Lick.
A less popular supermarket chain? Larva Town.
A less popular supermarket chain? Food Crypt.
A less popular supermarket chain? Risky's.
A less popular supermarket chain? Price Hiker.
A less popular supermarket chain? Rex Reed's Grocery Rodeo.
A less popular supermarket chain? The Expiration Date Grab Bag.
A less popular supermarket chain? I'm-Not-Wearing-Pantry.
Iraqi nickname for George Bush? Mr. Scared-of-Broccoli.
Rejected Crayola color? Bruise PURPLE.
Rejected Crayola color? Bus Station BROWN.
Rejected Crayola color? Exxon Spill GRAY.
Rejected Crayola color? You're Just Plain YELLOW.
Rejected Crayola color? OCHRE Winfrey.
Rejected Crayola color? Jaundice.
Rejected Crayola color? Cholesterol BEIGE.
Reason Eastern Airlines went bankrupt? Lavish keep-the-whole-can-of-soda policy.
Reason Eastern Airlines went bankrupt? Free solid-gold headphones in coach.
Reason Eastern Airlines went bankrupt? You think it doesn't cost money to falsify safety records?
Reason Eastern Airlines went bankrupt? You try giving away free bags of peanuts year after year after year!
April Fool's Day joke in New York? Super Glue an automatic weapon to curb and watch passersby try to pick it up.
April Fool's Day joke in New York? Put fake vomit on sidewalk right next to real vomit.
April Fool's Day joke in New York? Add a tail to chalk body outlines.
April Fool's Day joke in New York? Replace regular crack with Folgers Crystals.
Rejected Bowl Game Title? The Festival of Big Sweaty Men on Steroids.
Rejected Bowl Game Title? The Guys-Who-Came-Really-Close-to-Passing-Their-Drug-Test Classic.
Rejected Bowl Game Title? Sissy-Boy Slap Party.
Post-Mission Maintenance Chore on the Space Shuttle? Vacuum up Tang that spilled on carpet.
Post-Mission Maintenance Chore on the Space Shuttle? Throw old ketchup packets in glove compartment.
Post-Mission Maintenance Chore on the Space Shuttle? Get roadies to unload amps and drum kit.
Post-Mission Maintenance Chore on the Space Shuttle? Scrape off strange pulsing podlike thing that attached itself to wing.
Less exciting superpowers for comic book superheroes? Super spelling.
Less exciting superpowers for comic book superheroes? Really bendy thumb.
Less exciting superpowers for comic book superheroes? Ability to calm jittery squirrels.
Less exciting superpowers for comic book superheroes? Power to shake exactly two aspirin out of a bottle.
Less exciting superpowers for comic book superheroes? Ability to communicate with corn.
Rejected gimmick for Doublemint Gum? The One Dentist out of Five Who Doesn't Recommend Trident.
Rejected gimmick for Doublemint Gum? Charles Manson in Swimming Trunks.
Iraqi Thanksgiving Tradition? Loudly giving thanks for Saddam Hussein, just in case the house is bugged.
Iraqi Thanksgiving Tradition? Have nice dinner; then take over small defenseless country.
