Complete Bookshop/CompleteWorkshop.iso/jokes/fungus/chapter.03

Text File | 1991-03-05 | 22KB | 594 lines

       ASK UNCLE FUNGUS: BRILLIANT ADVICE FOR THE HOPELESS

                            CHAPTER 3
                    HAVE FUNGUS, WILL TRAVEL



Dear Uncle Fungus,
     Whenever my first wife and I are in the same room we get
into a huge argument.  At my son's wedding, she got so angry at
me she threw a drink in my face and stormed off.  I know it can't
be my fault, because I have such a good relationship with my
second wife.  Should I divorce my first wife?
          Two Wives, One House

Dear Lucky,
     I don't know the entire situation, but my guess is that for
some reason or other wife number one resents wife number two.
I'd suggest that you dump your first wife immediately.  Then find
a nice Mormon women.  Not only are they good sports about
polygamy, but they're wonderful cooks, too.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I'm a nursing student with a problem.  So far my record has
been almost perfect, but now I'm afraid I might not be able to
complete my degree.  My problem is that when I have to put a
patient on a catheter, I can't help giggling.  It really upsets
the patient.  My instructor says if I don't stop, I won't get my
degree.  What can I do to stop laughing?
          Almost RN

Dear Almost,
     Think of sports. No wait -- that's what the guy is supposed
to do.  Well, whenever I have to suppress a laugh, I try to think
of something depressing.  For most students that would be
graduating from college and having to get a job.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I never thought I'd be writing to anyone for help.  For many
years, people have been coming to my sister Ann and me with their
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci                                Page 18


problems.  We give them the best advice we can, but most of them
don't pay attention and they end up coming back.
     Everywhere we go yet another slug-brained idiot asks us if
his girlfriend is having an affair.  What can we do?
           Anonymous Abby

Dear Abby,
     It sounds to me like you two need to get away from it all.
Take a long vacation under assumed names.  And when you get back,
tell people looking for advice that you refuse to run their lives
for them.  After all, it's not like you're getting paid for it.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I grew up in an orphanage.  As a result, I was never given
those pearls of wisdom a father hands down to his son.  Did your
father ever tell you anything you could pass on to me?
          Orphan

Dear Orphan,
     When I was sixteen, my dad sat me down and told me three
things: 1) Never put anything in writing.  2) Don't volunteer.
3) When the world is going to hell, stop and shave.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I don't know how to face the grief of losing a loved one.
PLEASE HELP ME.  My pet sloth, Spike, died in his sleep last
night.
          Petless

Dear Petless,
     How can you tell?


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I've been reading your column for many weeks, and I'm
appalled by your sexist attitude.  You continually portray women
as servants, suited only to cooking and cleaning.  Men like you
should be locked up.  What is your problem?
          Hear Me Roar

Dear Roar,
     Your letter interested me.  I read it several times, and
gave it a great deal of thought.  You're obviously an
intelligent, level-headed woman.  I like that.  Are you busy
Saturday night?


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I just registered for classes at UCLA.  According to my
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci                                Page 19


records I'll be getting my degree next semester.  What should I
do?  I mean, if I graduate, I'll have to go out and get a job to
start paying off my student loans.  Is there any way I can stop
this from happening?
          Professional Student

Dear Professional,
     You can do one of three things: transfer to another school,
change your major, or go to graduate school.  I've found the
first two most effective, and I'll be trying the third soon.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I think it's just terrible the way men go up north to kill
defenseless deer.  I feel bad every time I think of it.  The
worst part is that those Bambi killers do it for fun.  Is there a
way a person like me can do something about it?
          Deer Lover

Dear Deer,
     As far as I know, there's nothing one person can do to stop
deer hunters, so I guess you're out of luck.  If makes you feel
any better, I also hate deer hunting.  I'm a Thumper killer
myself.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I'm a college student and since I also have a full time job
I was very busy at the end of last semester because I had to
study a lot for my final exams so I didn't sleep the whole week
but when vacation came I couldn't relax and get the sleep I
needed and I really need the sleep because I haven't slept in all
that time, and my telephone tried to kill me and the walls in my
room are bleeding please help me soon I need sleep.
          Gotta Sleep

Dear Gotta,
     You've probably tried all the usual insomnia cures by now,
so I'm going to suggest a radical one.  See if your college
offers a literature course on the seventeenth-century poet John
Milton.  Your problem will be solved within the first few minutes
of class.

Dear Uncle Fungus,
     My wife left me four months ago.  Since then we've talked
about our marriage, and we agree that we shouldn't live together
anymore.  The strange part is she won't grant me a divorce, even
under our state's no-fault clause.  Should I sue her for divorce?
If so, under what grounds?
          Not Single

ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci                                Page 20


Dear Not,
     Sue her for divorce on the grounds of breach-of-contact.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     You're the only person I've told this to.  Aliens from
Uranus are living in my car.
          Cautious Guy

Dear Uncle Fungus,
     No we're not.
          Space Guys

Dear Guys,
     You'll have to work this one out for yourselves.  And
remember: when dealing with other people you should always be
patient and understanding.  Now piss off.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I want to thank you for the advice you gave me a while back.
I was the guy who hadn't slept for four weeks.
     Well, I took your advice and signed up for a Milton
literature course and within the first few minutes of the first
day I was blissfully asleep.  But now I'm finding it hard to wake
up for my next class.  I've already failed the first exam because
I've missed so much material.  What do I do now?
          Gotta Wake Up

Dear Gotta,
     What do you think class dropping procedures are for?  Beat
the rush and drop the Milton course.  Make room for other
students who need the sleep more than you do.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I have proof that we've been visited by aliens from another
planet.  Pyramids all over the world are the SAME SHAPE.  Should
I tell the president?
          Mutant Dave

Dear Mutant,
     I'll bet you said "No" to the lobotomy, right?


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I met this wonderful girl in college two months ago and
we've been dating ever since then.  I'm writing to you because I
have this strange feeling when we're together.  Am I in love?
          First Year Frank

ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci                                Page 21


Dear Frank,
     No.  You're a Freshman.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     We have this terrible and really gross problem only you can
solve.  My best friend used to have a boyfriend named Biff.
After they broke up I met Biff and he became my boyfriend.
(Muffin and I could handle it because we're really mature for our
age.)  But then Muffin met MY old boyfriend, Skippy.  They looked
so cute together they started dating.  The problem is that Muffin
and I always go on dates together so we can talk, but this
situation is getting really hard to handle.  What can we do?
          Buffy

Dear Buffy,
     I understand how Biff and Skippy must feel.  It's really
painful to break up with your girlfriend, especially after you've
already matched your wardrobes.  Spare their feelings by not
double-dating any more.  You and Muffin can always talk over the
car phone.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     Once again I find that I have to go to my college's In-
Person Registration to get the classes I need.  I'm sick and
tired of waiting in lines just to be told the class I want is
filled.  Is there any way I can cut down on the waiting and still
get the schedule I want?
          Regular Guy

Dear Guy,
     Well, since I've already gotten all my classes, I don't mind
passing on my favorite method, called "line-jumping."  Just as
they open the doors to let students into the building, you walk
past and merge with the crowd, thus skipping ahead of a couple of
hundred students.  That's how I was able to sign up for Ethics I,
II and III.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I'm terrified of riding in crowded elevators.  If there are
only three or four people with me, I feel fine.  But when I'm
forced to ride with more people than that, I start to panic.  I
sweat all over and find it hard to breathe.  Is there anything I
can do to stop this from happening?
          Elevator Guy

Dear Guy,
     Your problem is very common.  What you need to do is to
sublimate your fear of elevators.  The next time you start
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci                                Page 22


feeling scared, do something to take your mind off of the ride,
like repeatedly banging your head against the side of the
elevator.  Not only will it calm you down, but the elevator won't
fill up nearly as much.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I'm writing this letter for a friend of mine with a serious
problem.  No matter how clean or neat something is, he has to
improve on it.  Even his cereal boxes are neat -- arranged from
largest to smallest.  Is there any way to cure him?
          Not So Neat

Dear Not,
     There's only one known cure for compulsive neatness.
Convince your friend to get married and have children.  He'll
either get used to messes or he'll go completely mad.  No matter
what happens, he'll be more fun to have around.

deer unkle fungis,
     i hate cats but i gotta live with a cat.  wen weer alone, i
try to get the cat but the cat can clime the china cabnet and i
cant.  plees say how i can get the cat.  ps sorry the tieping is
so bad.
          fido

Dear Fido,
     The next time the master leaves, wait half an hour, then run
to the door and jump up and down.  The cat will think the master
is home and it's safe.  Then you can catch it by surprise.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     My boyfriend has been avoiding me lately, and I don't know
why.  I can't think of anything I've done which would make him
stay away from me.  Well, I did laugh at his heart-covered boxer
shorts, but that couldn't be the reason.  What should I do?
          Missing My Guy

Dear Guy,
     Sorry, but there's nothing you can do.  You see, no sane man
buys himself heart-covered boxer shorts.  However, wives love to
give them as presents.  Ergo, your boyfriend is married, and when
you laughed at his shorts you made him feel guilty.  Go out and
find someone else.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.  Now it seems
they're here to stay.  Oh, I believe in yesterday.  Suddenly I'm

ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci                                Page 23


not half the man I used to be.  There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday belongs to me.
     Why she had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.  I said
something wrong, now I long for yesterday.
          Dumped

Dear Dumped,
     First of all, you have to stop living in the past.  It won't
do you any good to mope over how great life used to be.  Just get
out there and find some other woman.  I'd suggest either Rush
Street in Chicago, or Penny Lane here in town.  Trust me --
you'll enjoy yourself.

Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I just heard that there's a tribe of cattle herders in
Africa called the Masai.  Supposedly, fifty percent of their
language is made up of words dealing with cattle.  Is this true?
If so, why so many words about cattle?
          City Slicker

Dear City,
     Yes, it's true.  When a society develops a language, it's
built around the lives of the people in that society.  Obviously,
the more a culture deals with something, the more words they'll
have for it.  For example, the Eskimos, who spend most of their
lives in small igloos, have twenty-two words for picking their
nose.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I don't understand women.  They say they want a sensitive,
caring guy, but then they date Cro-Magnon idiots.  They
invariably break up with the guy and start over again with some
football player.  I'm left standing there like a jerk.  I'm not
ugly or anything, I'm just a sensitive, caring guy.  What's the
deal?
          Not Like Everyone

Dear Everyone,
     Women want to be swept off their feet -- but only by guys
they can dominate.

Dear Uncle Fungus,
     Three weeks ago my boyfriend told me that beer would be good
for my hair.  Since then I've drunk at least three cases, and my
hair doesn't look any different.  Was he pulling my leg?
          Blondie

Dear Blondie,
     No, but if you drink enough beer he will.

ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci                                Page 24


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     Why don't people know how to take care of their pets?  Just
yesterday I overheard a women in K-Mart say she had to pick up a
few skeins of yarn for her Afghan.  It made me so angry I had to
leave the store to calm down.  I mean, EVERYBODY knows dogs don't
play with yarn.
          Animal Lover

Dear Animal Lover,
     The woman wasn't going to make her dog play with yarn.  She
was buying yarn for knitting.  And believe me, dogs love to knit.
Cats can only learn how to crochet.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     The fraternity at my college organized a trip to Fort
Lauderdale during Spring Break.  I got drunk, threw up, slept on
the beach, urinated in public and was arrested by the police.
Where was all the fun everyone talks about?
          Biff

Dear Biff,
     I have news for you.  That WAS the fun.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I'm finding it really hard to get a parking space downtown
in the morning.  I usually have to circle around for half an hour
before I find one.  Then I'm late for work.  Is there anything
for a girl like me to do?
          Tawny

Dear Tawny,
     A good way to get a parking space is to arrive a little
earlier than usual.  Say around five in the morning.  Then, since
you don't want to lose the good spot you just fought for, take
the bus home.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     My roommate joined a class at the YMCA called "The Wonderful
World of Martial Arts."  Ever since then, he's been screaming and
kicking my coffee cup out of my hand.  What should I do?
          Bruised Guy

Dear Guy,
     Next time he's asleep, introduce him to The Wonderful World
of Blunt Objects.

Dear Uncle Fungus,
     I heard Elvis was supposed to come back in 1984 to be our
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci                                Page 25


spiritual leader.  What happened?  I've had my bags packed for
several years now, waiting for him.  Is he delayed by the space
aliens who are secretly living in toaster ovens?
          Inquiring Mind

Dear Inquiring,
     As far as I know, the space aliens aren't responsible for
Elvis' tardiness, but I can't be sure as NASA refuses to comment.
Be patient, and get that lithium prescription filled.


Dear Uncle Fungus,
     My dad's investment counsellor told me that since furs were
becoming so valuable, they'd be an excellent hedge against
inflation.  So I ran right out and started a mink farm.  Only
it's been three months, and I haven't gotten any results yet.  Do
you think I might have planted them too deep?
          Business Guy

Dear Guy,
     If nothing has happened yet, then I'm afraid your mink farm
is a failure.  Go back to daddy and ask him for enough money to
start a spaghetti farm.  Good luck.


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▓▓        ──┬── │ │ ┌───      ┌─── ┌┐ │ ┌─┐                  ▓▓▒▒
▓▓          │   │ │ │         │    │└┐│ │ └┐                 ▓▓▒▒
▓▓          │   ├─┤ ├──       ├──  │ └┤ │ ┌┘ ┌┐ ┌┐ ┌┐        ▓▓▒▒
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▓▓                                                           ▓▓▒▒
▓▓  ...OF THE "SHARE" PART OF "SHAREWARE."  HERE'S WHERE I   ▓▓▒▒
▓▓  TELL YOU HOW MUCH MONEY TO SEND IN SO YOU CAN UN-ZIP     ▓▓▒▒
▓▓  THE REST OF THIS BOOK. BUT FIRST, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT   ▓▓▒▒
▓▓  WHAT'S COMING UP....                                     ▓▓▒▒
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CHAPTER 4 -- THE LOST FUNGUS TAPES
     A transcript of a cassette tape allegedly recorded by Uncle
Fungus many years ago as he recovered from devastating liquid
paper cuts.  Uncle Fungus denies all knowledge of the tape and
refuses to comment on it.

CHAPTER  5 -- TO FUNGUS, OR NOT TO FUNGUS
     Uncle Fungus shows his advice is better than you thought it
could be.
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci                                Page 26


CHAPTER  6 -- FUNGUS LOST
     Where have all the Fungus' gone?  Uncle Fungus, his wife
Fern and their dog Max have mysteriously disappeared, leaving the
world desperate for advice.

CHAPTER  7 -- ARE WE HAVING FUNGUS YET?
     Uncle Fungus' brilliant advice leaves Dear Abby and Ann
Landers in the dust.

CHAPTER  8 -- IN SEARCH OF FUNGUS
     A frantic world searches five continents, seven seas, the
thousand islands, and 105,233 bars for the Fungus'.

CHAPTER  9 -- EVERY DOG HAS ITS FUNGUS
     Uncle Fungus stretches the very limits of advice.

CHAPTER 10 -- TO DIE, TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO FUNGUS
     Hope turns into disappointment as authorities declare the
Fungus' dead.  Tributes come from around the world as a planet
mourns its loss.

CHAPTER 11 -- KLATU, VERADA, FUNGUS
     Uncle Fungus stretches beyond the limits of advice.

CHAPTER 12 -- FUNGUS SPEAKS!
     Could it be?  Is Fungus still alive, trapped behind enemy
lines on Mars?  More importantly, has Uncle Fungus been able to
save the Earth from invasion?  You just can't keep a good Fungus
down.

CHAPTER 13 -- TAKE A WALK ON THE FUNGUS SIDE
     Uncle Fungus goes where no advice has gone before.

CHAPTER 14 -- IT'S MY FUNGUS AND I'LL DIE IF I WANT TO
     Uncle Fungus bids an almost fond farewell to his legions of
fans in this recently discovered document.  Uncle Fungus could
not be reached for comment.


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▓▓  ────────────────── WHAT DO YOU DO NOW? ────────────────  ▓▓▒▒
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▓▓  JUST PRINT OUT THE FOLLOWING FORM AND SEND IT TO ME      ▓▓▒▒
▓▓  WITH YOUR PAYMENT OF $5.00, AND I'LL SEND YOU THE        ▓▓▒▒
▓▓  PASSWORD WHICH WILL ALLOW YOU TO ACCESS THE REST OF THE  ▓▓▒▒
▓▓  BOOK. PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU FILL OUT THE FORM COMPLETELY  ▓▓▒▒
▓▓  TO ENSURE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO SEND YOU THE CORRECT    ▓▓▒▒
▓▓  PASSWORD.                                                ▓▓▒▒
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ASK UNCLE FUNGUS: ADVICE FOR THE HOPELESS.



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