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Text File | 1991-04-28 | 17KB | 291 lines

Things to do When Bored -Wax the ceiling -Rearrange political campaign signs -Sharpen your teeth -Play Houdini with one of your siblings -Braid your dog's hair -Clean and polish your belly button -Water your dog...see if he grows -Wash a tree -Knight yourself -Name your child Edsel -Scare Stephen King -Give your cat a mohawk -Purr -Mow your carpet -Play Pat Boone records backwards -Vacuum your lawn -Whine -Rake your carpet -Re-elect Richard Nixon -Critique "Three's Company" -Listen to a painting -Play with matches -Buff your cat -Race ferrets -Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange -Have a formal dinner at White Castle -Read Homer in the original Greek -Change your mind -Learn Greek -Change it back -Watch the sun...see if it moves -Stand on your head -Build a pyramid -Stand on someone else's head -Spit shine your Nikes -See how long you can stay awake -Paint your teeth -See how long you can sleep -Wear a salad -Speak with a forked tongue -Get your dog braces -Shave a shrub -Have a proton fight -Watch a car rust -Quiver -Rotate your carpet -Learn to type...with your toes -Set up your Christmas tree in April -Buy the Brooklyn Bridge -Be someone special -Mail it to a friend -Go back to square one -Factor your social security number -Take the fifth -Memorize a series of random numbers -Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages -Join the Foreign Legion -Learn Sanskrit -Exist...existentially, of course -Print counterfeit Confederate money -Kick a cabbage -Take a picture -Sandpaper a mushroom -Put it back -Play solitaire...for cash -Abuse your patio furniture -Run for Pope -Count to a million...fast -Make a schematic drawing...of a rock -Commit seppuku...with a paper knife -Revert -Think shallow thoughts -Sleep on a bed of nails -Boil ice cream -DON'T toss and turn -Run around in squares -Think of quadruple entendres -Speak in acronyms -Have your pillow X-rayed -Drink straight shots...of water -Calmly have a nervous breakdown -Give your goldfish a perm -Fly a brick -Play tag...on 35W -Exorcise a ghost -Be blue -Exercise a ghost -Be red -Paint stripes on a lake -But don't be orange -Ski Kansas -Sleep in freefall -Kill a Joule -Test thin ice...with a pogo stick -Apply for a unicorn hunting license -Do a good job -Crawl -Invite the Mansons over for dinner -Paint your windows -Watch a watch until it stops -Flash your goldfish -Paint -Flirt with an evergreen -Smile -Rotate your garden...daily -Paint a smile -Shoot a fire hydrant -Pretend you're blind -Apologize to it -Plant a shoe -Sweat -Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil -Turn -Take your sofa for a walk -Write a letter to Plato -Start -Mail it -Stop -Dial 911 and breathe heavily -Go to a funeral...tell jokes -Play the piano...with mittens on -Starch your shoes -Polish your Calvin's -Contemplate a cockroach -Get a dog to chase your car -Investigate the Czar -Let him catch it -Form a political party -Climb a sidewalk -Have a political party -Get diagonal...with a good friend -Ride a loaf of bread -Sharpen a carrot -Interrogate a gerbil -Annoy yourself -Get mad at yourself -Stop speaking to yourself -Be a side effect -Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley -Duck -Redecorate...your garage -Develop a complex -Join the Army...be someone simple -Try harder -Hit the deck -Put legwarmers on your furniture -Cut the deck -Scheme -Sit -Water your family room -Stay -Cause a power failure -Roll over -Wriggle -Play dead -Donate your brother's body to science -Find a witch -Ask why -Burn her -Regress -Sleepwalk without sleeping -Go bow hunting for Toyotas -Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids -Jump back -Play to lose -Scalp a street light -Have your car painted...plaid -Read a tomato -Sharpen your sleeping skills -Watch a game show...take notes -Put out a fire -Interview a cloud -If you can't find a fire, make one -Play tiddlywinks...go for blood -Play basketball...in a minefield -Crumple -Translate Shakespeare into English -Skydive to church -Cheer up a potato -Do aerobic exercises...in your head -Play cards with your swimming pool -Pinstripe your driveway -Play Kick the Fire Hydrant -Harness chipmunk power -Build a house with ice cubes -Call London for a cab -Mug a stop sign -Change your name...daily -Go for a walk in your attic -Challenge your neighbor to a duel -Try to join Hell's Angels by mail -Wonder -Be a square root -Ask stupid questions -Weld your car doors shut -Spew -Vacation at Three-Mile Island -Surf Ohio -Teach your pet rock to play dead -Go bowling for small game -Be a monk...for a day -Wear a sweatband to your wedding -Staple -Run away -Intimidate a piece of chalk -Abuse the plumbing -Bend a florescent light -Bend a brick -Annoy total strangers -Don't talk to things -Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling -Have your cat bronzed -Have your gerbil gilded -Write books about writing books -Create random equations -Misspell words -Tell your feet a joke -Throw a tomato into a fan -Sing the ABC song backwards -Pretend you're a dog -Dial-a-prayer and argue with it -Grease the doorknobs -String up a room -Stack furniture -Relive fond memories -Tie your shoelaces together -Gargle -Count your teeth with your tongue -Decay -Find your half-life -Build a house out of toothpicks -Howl -Wear a lampshade on your head -Memorize the dictionary -Stomp grapes in the bathtub -Find a bug and chase it -Make yourself a pair of wings -Be immobile -Dance 'til you drop -Check under chairs for chewing gum -Squish a loaf of bread -Moo -Bounce a potato -Outmaneuver your shadow -Climb the walls -Appreciate everything -Challenge yourself to a duel -Believe in Santa Claus -Let the best man win -Throw marshmallows against the wall -Hold an ice cube as long as possible -Adopt strange mannerisms -Blow up a balloon until it pops -Sing soft and sweet and clear -Open everything -Sing loud and sour and gravelly -Balance a pencil on your nose -Pour milk in your shoes -Write graffiti under the rug -Embarrass yourself -Grind your teeth -Chew ice -Count your belly button -Sit in a row -Stack crumbs -Gesture -Save your toenail clippings -Make a pass at your blender -Punt -Make up words that start with X -Make oatmeal in the bathtub -Search for the Lost Chord -Chew on a sofa cushion -Sing a duet -Balance a pillow on your head -Hold your breath -Faint -Stretch -Flash your mailman -Teach your TA English -Learn to speak Farsi -Swear in Russian -Use an eraser until it goes away -Disassemble your car -Record your walls -Put it together inside out -Interview your feet -Make a list of your favorite fungi -Sell formaldehyde -Make napalm -Tattoo your dresser -Watch a bowling ball -Buy some diapers -Eat everything -Begin -Pour milk in the sink -Make cottage cheese -Tie-dye your sheets -Hold your earlobes -Carpet your ceiling -Fold your earlobes -Flap -Squawk -Read tea leaves -Analyze the Koran -Be Buddha -Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize -Plug in the cat -Turn on everything -Drop pebbles down the chimney -Turn off your neighbor -Kill a plant -Buy a 1931 Almanac -Memorize the weather section -Think lewd thoughts about yourself -Peel grapes -Send chills down your spine -Make paper from the skins -Blow bubbles -Bloat -Catch them with your radiator -Get run over by a train of thought -Make up famous sayings -Bite your pinkie -File your teeth -Design a better toilet seat -Shred a newspaper -Scratch -Have a headache -Sniff -Hatch an egg -Play air guitar -Spill -Act profound -Spell -Stare -Truncate -Slouch -Develop hearing problems -Put your feet behind your head -Tie bows in everything -Hold your hand -Watch the minute hand move -Grow your fingernails -Pretend you're a telephone -Radiate -Ring -Skip -Play hopscotch...with real scotch -Clock the velocity of your REMs -Put your shoes on the opposite feet -Cross your toes -Roll your tongue -Crystalize -Baby oil the floor -Hide -Attack innocent bunnies -Declare war -Destroy a tree -Hide the scrabble bag -Seduce your stick shift -Wink -Memorize the periodic table -Mummify -Pretend you're a roadie -Buy a Ginsu knife -Collect electrons -Correct typos that aren't there -Polish your neck...use Pledge -Repeat -Ad lib -Fade -Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God -Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car -Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet -Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes -Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture -Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending -Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk") -Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother -Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong -Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail -Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire -Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before -Walk on water...but don't get caught -Confess to a crime...that didn't happen -Be in the wrong place at the right time -Plot the overthrow of your local School Board -Request covert assistance from the CIA -Discover the source of the Mississippi -Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska -Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes -Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is -Drink as much prune juice as you can -Write a book about your previous life -Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres -Jump up and down...on your alarm clock -Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins -Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels -Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow -Drive the speed limit...in your garage -Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final -Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna -Pay off the national debt...with a bad check -Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people -Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas -Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes -Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster -See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement -Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English -Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good job they're doing...On April 1st -Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor -Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them -Turn your TV picture tube upside down -Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy -Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets -Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks -Be planar...but don't tell your parents -Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck -Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed -Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed -Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese -Debate politics with a fern -If you lose, stop watering it and try again. -Increase your territorial holdings by force -Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat -Boldly go where no man has gone before -Be a threat to the American way of life -Do research into the cause of World War III -Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life -Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh -See how small you can scrunch your face -Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis -Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization) -Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation -Raise professional certified racing turnips -Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation -Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U. -Go to a drive-in movie in a tank -Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway -Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first -Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch -Send your goldfish to obedience school -Free the oppressed toasters of America -Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing -Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave -Park your car...with a friend -Park your car...with a group of friends -Frame your first statement of bankruptcy -Place it on the wall of your office -Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x) -Contribute to the population problem -Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign -Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor -Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife -Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway -Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night -Play with anything that looks interesting -Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first -See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water -Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work -Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up -State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes") -Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design -Make a schematic drawing...of a rock -Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like -See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house -Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while -See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green -Bronze your sister's turtle -See how long it takes for her to notice -See what she does when she notices -Bronze your sister