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1989-10-09
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Did you hear what happened to the Winkie that bought a pair of
odor-eaters?
He took 2 steps and disappeared!
I tried to give my wife bridge lessons last week,
but she just wouldn't jump!
Student : Teacher, do you think it's fair to get blamed for something you
didn't do?
Teacher : No.
Student : Good, because I didn't do my home work.
Three blind mice...
three blind mice....
(pause) where the heck were they going!???
What do you call a midget that's a psychic and on the run from the law?
A small medium at large.
Somebody asked me the other day "How's life in he fast lane?"
and I replied "Whatever lane I'm in, it always ends in 500 feet."
I just started a new diet. It's called a seefood diet.
If you can see food you can eat it.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Q: What occurred in a Cincinnati court room during a baseball hearing
when the judge entered the room?
A: Pete rose
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the 'possum it could be done!
Did you hear the one about the narcissistic acupuncturist who got stuck on
himself?
What do you call a mushroom who walks into a bar and buys everyone a round
of drinks? A "Fungi"
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He doesn't believe in DOG!!
How do you tell the winkie at the Wailing Wall ?
He's the one with the harpoon !
What do you get when you cross an attorney and the godfather?
An offer you cannot understand.
Did you hear about the man who drank a gallon of floor wax?.....It was a
sad ending, but a nice "finish!"
What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Kermit the frog?
Kermit is an illegal alien.
Why did the peanut cross the road?
Because he was on 4th Avenue.
How many captains does it take to pioneer an Exxon oil tanker?
Answer: one and a fifth!
Why do Winkies wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.
Did you hear about the latest Winkie invention?
A solar powered flashlight.
What does it say at the top of a ladder made in winkieland?
STOP!
Did you hear about the new book of Gary Hart?
It's called "Six Inches From The Presidency"
What happened to the butcher? He backed into a meat cutter and got a
little behind in his work.
Q: What's Indian and lives in your closet?
A: Mahatma Coat!
Question? How does Exxon plan to resolve the oil spill?
Answer: Add 1000 tons of vinegar and .....
Q: How do witches send potions overnight?
A: Fed Hex.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station.
Q: What did the captain of the Exxon tanker say to his third mate?
A: Tanqueray on the rocks, please.
Q: What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians?
A: A Drummer!
Q: Where do Irish yuppies live ?
A: Lepracondominiums !
Q: What do Irishmen use for birth control ?
A: Lepracondoms !
Q: What do you do when a female leper bats her eyes at you???
A: Catch 'em and yell "You're OUT!"
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant sat on him?
A: Nothing, he just let out a little wine!
Q: What is the title of the new television show about yuppies in Alaska?
A: WD-30something
Q: Why did the chicken cross the street?
A: To see his friend Gregory Peck.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of the theatre?
A: You can't--it's in his blood.
Q: Why is a seagull called a seagull?
A: Because if it were a bag it would be called a bagel!
Q: Who were the first computer buffs?
A: ADAM + EVE!
WHY: She gave him an "APPLE", He gave her a "WANG"!!!!!
Q: What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?
A: You get re-possessed!!!
Did you hear what the white rat said to the other white rat?
... I've got that psychologist so well trained that every time
I ring the bell he brings me something to eat.!
Q: Why can't someone's nose be twelve inches long?
A: Because, then it would be a foot.
Q: What's the difference between a MacIntosh and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A: You have to shake the Etch-a-Sketch to clear it.
Q: What is Salmon Rushdie going to name his NEXT book?
A: "Buddha, you fat so-and-so!"
Q. What is the difference between Heaven and Hell?
A. In Heaven the cooks are French, policemen are English,
mechanics are German and lovers are Italian.
In Hell the cooks are English, policemen are French,
mechanics are Italian and lovers are German.
Did you hear that they're offering $200 for the author of the Cliff Notes
to "The Satanic Verses"?
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian mummie and a vampire?
A: A flying bandaid
Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids.
Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon ?
A: Great food, no atmosphere.
Q: How do you keep the Winkie population down?
A: Tell Quadlings that they taste like chicken.
This one really has to be spoken: What happens when you repeel(/repeal)
an apple?
It gets smaller.
Why would you do it?
It might have come from Chile.
Would you repeel a chili?
No, it might burn your skin.
A man walks into a bar. Ouch!
Q. What do you do when a winkie throws a grenade at you?
A. You pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do you do when a girl leper rolls her eyes at you?
A: Roll 'em back!
TEACHER: Lisa, when was the Great Depression ?
LISA: Last week when I got my report card.
Q. What happens if you press the gas pedal and the brake pedal in a car at
the same time?
A. You get nowhere fast.
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
Because, it was stapled on Dan Quayle's face.
Why did Dan Quayle cross the road?
Because he followed the chicken.
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on the sand paper
A: Ruff!!! Ruff!!!
Q. Why did George Bush win the election?
A: Because Barbara's picture is on the $1 bill.
Q: What did Lloyd Bentsen say to Kitty Dukakis?
A: "You're no Joan Kennedy"
Q: Why do winkies laugh 4 times from 1 joke ?
A: Once to be polite, second time because they think they understand it, a third
time when they do understand it, and last but not least when they remember
it.
Q: Why does Stevie Wonder swing his head when he sings?
A: Because he is looking for the microphone...
Q: What women's organization do the initials D. A. M. stand for?
A: Mothers Against Dyslexia
Do you remember Jaws, in the James Bond movies?
Well, what does he do for fun?
He masticates!
Q: Why did they televise the inaugural speech?
A: So the Democrats could see what it looks like!
Q: What did Dan Quayle say when Marilyn Quayle blew in his ear?
A: Thanks for the refill, Honey!
Q: Why do baby ducks walk softly?
A: Because baby ducks can't walk, hardly.
Q: How many sides does a sphere have?
A: Two. Inside and Outside.
Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?
A: It has the same centerfold every month.
Q: Why do Winkies steal police cars?
A: Because the stole them thinking that they were Porshes.
If PRO is the opposite of CON,
Then is CONgress the opposite of PROgress?!!
Q: Why did the chicken cross Harvard Square?
A: To get to the Coop.
Q: How many members of a certain ethnic group does it take to perform
a specific menial activity?
A: One to perform the activity, and a number of additional ones to act
in a manner consistant with the commonly-held stereotypes of that
particular ethnic group.
Did you read the caption under Michael Dukakis's High School Yearbook photo?
It said "Actual Size!!!"
What do you call a guy with no legs?
Neal!
What do you call a guy with no legs swimming?
Bob!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen!
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg?
Irene!
What do you call a guy leaning up against a wall?
Art!
What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?
Peg!
What do you call two guys hanging from the wall?
Curt and Rod!
What did George Washington say to his troops before crossing the Delaware?
Men, get in the boat!
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder
Q: Why could't the bike make it up the hill?
A: Because it was "two" tired!
Q. Why did the Winkie attack his shredded wheat with a chain saw?
A. He wanted to be a cereal killer...
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: He was dead.
Q: What has 3,000 arms, 3,000 legs and stands 3 feet high?
A. A Winkie Hilton.
A: You shoot the person pushing it.
Q: What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda?
A: Fonda spent more time in 'Nam.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs sitting in your mailbox?
A: Bill!
There were two turtles in a cardboard box, a mother turtle and a baby turtle.
The baby turtle said to the mother turtle:"We are having fun in here, the
three of us!"
Q: Who were the "three" of them?
A: The baby turtle couldn't count!!!!
They're making a new movie about Dan Quayle's military career .
The title is "FULL DINNER JACKET"
Dan Quayle's mother has been busy sewing labels on all his clothes --
For when he goes to Camp David!
Q: What were the three hardest years of Dan Quayle's life?
A: Second grade.
Part 1: Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.
Part 2: Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.
Q: What's the difference between a skunk that's been run over
and a lawyer that's been run over?
A: There are skid marks leading up to the skunk!
Q: What would you do if you were in my shoes?
A: I'd get a shoeshine!
Q: What's the latest Winkie invention?
A: An ejector seat on a helicopter!
Q: How can you tell a Winkie tank?
A: It has back up lights
Q: Did you hear what Mickey Mouse got for his 60th birthday?
A: A Dan Quayle watch.
Q: What do steroids and a hurricane have in common?
A: They both make Winkies run like hell!
Q: How can you tell if it is a winkie's word processor?
A: It's the one with whiteout on the screen.
Q: How do you get rid of a boomerang?
A: Throw it down a one way street.
Q: Why does New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps and California the
most lawyers?
A: Because New Jersey picked first.
Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's WOMEN, and it's not funny!
Q: What do you do if your in a accident and you lose all your toes?
A: Call a tow truck. ARf, ARF ARF
Q: What's long and hangs from a jackass ??
A: Mike Dukakis' tie !!!
Q: What do they call the Russian naval forces since
Gorbachev took over as President?
A: Mikhail's Navy.
Q: why did the chicken cross the road?
A: to show the 'possum that it could be done.
Q: Did you here about the "winkish" Gold Medalist??
A: He took it home to have it BRONZED!!!
Q: What did one candle say to the other candle?
A: Are you going out tonight?
Q: What do you have when you have three lawyers buried up to their necks
in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the street?
A: Because he was stapled to the punk rocker.
Q: What kind of foot do NASA people get?
A: Missle toe!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon?
A: It's supposed to have great food, but absolutely no atmosphere!
Q: What does Vice President Quayle say when they tell him the President has
died?
A: "Daddy! What do I do now?
Q: Why does the chicken cross the road?
A: To join the National Guard.
Q: Did you hear how the winkie hockey team drowned?
A: Spring training!!!! haha!!
Q: Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy!
Q: What do you do if an epileptic falls into your swimming pool?
A: Throw in some laundry!
Q: What does one psychiatrist say to another when they meet on the street?
A: "You're fine! How am I?"
Q: Where do cantaloupes go for the summer?
A: John Cougar-Mellencamp!
Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!!!
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Why don't you just let us remove the socket instead -
you don't need it, and it'll just give you trouble later."
A high-priced corporate lawyer, a low-priced corporate lawyer, and
Santa Claus were sitting in a room around a table with $10,000 in cash
on it. The lights went out briefly. When they came back on, the money
was gone.
Q: Who took it?
A: The high-priced lawyer, of course. The other two are figments of
your imagination.
Q: Why did the Winkie tiptoe to the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
Q: Did you hear about the Winkie parachute??
A: It opens on impact!!!
Q: What do you find when you remove Tammy Bakker's makeup?
A: Jimmy Hoffa
Q: Why is the ringling brothers circus mind boggling?
A: Because it's in tents!
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breath through that thing?
Q: What's the difference between a goose and a snake?
A: A snake is an asp in the grass.
Q: What did the mother candy machine say to her daughter when she got married?
A: Boo Hoo! I've cared for you all your life, but now you'll have to vend
for yourself!
Q: What would Noah have if it rained one more bucket of water?
A: A higher-arky! (Hierarchy.)
A conversation between Man and God:
Man: God, why did you make women so soft and nice?
God: So you'd like them.
Man: God, why did you make women so, y'know, beautiful?
God: So you'd like them.
Man: God, why'd you make women so STUPID?
God: So they'd like YOU!
Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to clean a bathroom?
A: None! That's woman's work!
Q: What did the mama mouse say to the baby when it fell off the dresser?
A: Squeek to me!
Q: What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinocerus?
A: Elephino.
Q: What do you get if you walk thru central park with a hundred dollars?
A: Mugged!
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea?
A: Shall we walk or take the dog?
Q: How do you drive away from an orange?
A: Peel out!
Q: What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer?
A: The space bar.
Q: Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
A: Dracula's dentist!
Q: How many winkies does it take to make popcorn?
A: Five. One to hold the popcorn and four to shake the oven.
Q: Did you hear about the Winkie Ice Fisherman?
A: He got run over by the Zamboni machine!!
Q: How can you spot a "winkie" secretary?
A: She's the one with correction fluid on her CRT.
Q: What do the Reagans and an old Smith-Corona have in common?
A: No colon, no period, and no memory.
Q: What was Gary Hart's biggest mistake???
A: Not having Ted Kennedy drive Donna Rice home!
Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: "I don't know, and I don't care."
Q: Why do stock market investors love the music of Bach and Vivaldi??
A: Because they're all baroque!!!
Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 200,001. One to change the bulb and 200,000 to yell, "Death to the
Electricity"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross harvard square?
A: To get to the coop.
Q: How do you communicate with a fish ?
A: You drop him a line.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck!
Q: What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
A: Kinky you use a feather; perverted you use the whole bird.
Q: How many Chestnut Hill matrons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. She stands under the socket and expects the world to revolve around her.
Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
A: To the Mooovies! (HAR DE HAR HAR!!)
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Make a tire and call it a Good Year!
Q: What do you do to an Elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the giraffe......
Q: How did Capt. Hook die?
A: Jock itch!
Q: How do you grill a swordfish?
A: Ask it a lot of tough questions!
Q: How can you make your stockbroker a millionaire?
A: Give him a billion dollars!!
Q: What has four legs and chases cats?
A: Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
A: Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all!
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P
Q: HOW DO YOU CALL YOUR STOCK BROKER
A: "OH WAITER."
Q: What's the first thing a guy who got lucky does in the morning?
A: Walks home.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
A: I don't know I'm a duck.
Q: How many BC basketball players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he gets 10 credit hours towards his major for completing
it.
Q: Did you hear about Reagan's new compass?
A: It is always pointing to North!
Q: Why did the cat cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't near a phone.
(HINT: he dialed the wrong number)
Q: Why was the car going 55 mph?
A: The TV was plugged in. (HA HA)
(Hint: Get it? They had cable. (HAHA)
Q: What do you call a mountain climber who has had a vasectomy?
A: Dry Sack on the rocks
Q: What was the Polish Pope's first miracle?
A: He made a blind man deaf...
Q: What's a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: Why did Sweden invite 10,000 Ukraines into their country?
A: They needed more headlights for their Volvos!!
Q: How do you get a stockbroker to get out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love"?
A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis!
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY DENTIST?
A: A TOOTH FAIRY
Q: What is the difference between a PIGEON and a STOCKBROKER?
A: The PIGEON can still make a deposit on a Mercedes!
Q: Mommy, Mommy, why do I keep running around in circles?
A: Shut up before I nail your other foot down.
Q: What is the difference between cauliflower and boogers?
A: Kids won't eat cauliflower.
Q: How many McDonalds employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "No habla Ingles"
Q: What's the difference between a dead rattlesnake on the highway, and
a dead lawyer on the highway?
A: There aren't any skid marks around the lawyer.
Q: Why do programmers take so long in the shower?
A: Because the instructions on the shampoo read "Lather, Rinse, Repeat..."
Q: How many MIT grads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
Q: What is green and sits ouside in the rain?
A: Patty O'Furniture
Q: What's the toughest thing about hunting elephants?
A: Carrying the decoys!!
Q: How many OS/2 programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as you want, they're all virtual anyway.
Q: How much dirt is in a hole 10' deep & 10' wide?
A: None,there is no dirt in a hole!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: If you are american in the kitchen - what are you in the bathroom ?
A: EUROPEAN. (Hint: Sound it out.)
Q: What is Gary Hart's only regret in the Rice affair?
A: He didn't let Ted Kennedy drive her home.
Q: Why did the yuppie always wear a seatbelt?
A: Because he was always driving under the affluence.
Q: What happens when a Winkie doesn't pay the bill to the garbage man?
A: They stop delivery.
Q: What do you call a Winkie with an IQ of 160?
A: A village!
Q: What happened to the butcher who backed up into his meat grinder?
A: He got a little behind in his work.
Q: Why did the yuppie always wear a seatbelt?
A: Because he was always driving under the affluence.
Q: What's the 5 day weather forecast in Kiev?
A: Three days!
Q: What's the weather forcast in Kiev?
A: Partly cloudy, partly sunny, and 700 degrees.
Q: How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they glow in the dark!
Q: What is the definition of a floppy disk?
A: That part of one's spine which enables the biting of the toenails.
Q: Why was the guy from the orange factory fired all the time?
A: He could not concentrate.
Q: What do you call the person with aids and herpes?
A: An incurable romantic.
Q: What do you call a cow that had an abortion ?
A: Decalfinated
Q: Who would Tuesday Weld be if she married Hal March III?
A: Tuesday March the third !!!
Q: What is the name of the new JAP (Jewish American Princess) Horror Movie?
A: Debbie Does Dishes
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall ?
A: Art
Q: What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?
A: A thank you from Santa!
Q: Why did Billy Bean bring toilet paper to the party??
A: Because he was a party pooper!
Q: What do you call three holes in the ground?
A: Well. Well. Well.
Q: What do you call a carrot who wises off to a farmer?
A: A fresh carrot!
Q: Do you know how to keep a winkie in suspense?
A: I'll tell you next week.
Q: Do you know how to get a one-armed winkie out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: What kind of sex should one never have on a picnic?
A: Insects.
Q: Who was Alexander Graham Belowski?
A: The first telephone pole.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To get to Mexico where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving!
Q: What did the man say when we got his big electric bill?
A: He was shocked!
Q: How many college alumni does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three...one to screw it in, one to bring the beer and one to comment
on how the old one was better.
Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Military Standard M-38510 states that angels are not permitted to dance
except on a properly surfaced Rounded-End Temporary Fabric Emplacer, per
Ordnance Document 65791.
Q: How do you make anti-freeze?
A: Turn off the heat in her bedroom.
Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: To get to the other side?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: He was part of the punk's earring.
Q: Why did the shark cross the road?
A: To get to the other tide.
Guest: Do lemons have wings?
Host: What?
Guest: I said, do lemons have wings?
Host: Of course not.
Guest: Oh my god, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink!
Q: Did you hear about the pregnant penguin?
A: She was with Byrd at the time.
Q: What can't Winkies make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't figure out how to get 4 pints of water into the little packet.
Q: What happened to the winkie who tried to be a stud?
A: He was found dead under a snow tire!
Q: Did you hear that the catholic missionary was successful on the
cannibal island?
A: They only eat fishermen on Fridays.
Q: "Should I boil the new missionary?" asked the cannibal.
A: "No" replied the chief, "He's a friar."
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road,
and a dead loan officer in the middle of the road?
A: There aren't any skid marks in front of the loan officer.
Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A: The No-bell Prize.
Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
A: Great food but no atmosphere!
Q: Why should you look out for a pig that knows karate?
A: It might give you a pork chop
Q: What is the difference between a parrot and an MIT co-ed?
A: You can teach the parrot to say "NO"
Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer ?
A: The taste !
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Klingons aren't afraid of the dark!
Q: What do they do with the burnt out bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.
Q: What do they do to the Klingon who changes the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.
