The California Collection/TheCaliforniaCollection.cdr/his100/marry_19.arj/MARRY-19.TXT

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                         HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES
                         by Ken Smith

     Let me begin by saying that, as a former single, I am very sensitive to
the needs of singles and I try to direct my articles to the entire Body of
Christ.  Nevertheless, sometimes there are things unique to the marriage
relationship that need to be addressed.  Therefore, I would encourage those
of you who are single to read this article with an eye toward becoming the
person God wants you to be if He does bless you with a mate.

     Although this article is addressed to Christian husbands, I am quite
sure that it will be read with a good deal of interest by their Christian
wives.  I would encourage those of you in the latter category to let the
article speak to your husband with no assistance from you.  It's one thing
for your husband to read the article and hear from God.  It's quite another
for your husband to read the article and hear from you about what Ken Smith
has to say about what God says.  Obviously, the better you relationship is,
the less circumspect you need to be.

LOVE IS A DECISION, NOT AN EMOTION

     And now let's address the subject at hand.  How can we men be the kind
of husbands God wants us to be to our wives?  First, I believe each of us
need to understand that love is a decision, not an emotion.  Love is
something we must decide to do, not something we should wait to feel like
doing.  Its most comprehensive definition is found in I Corinthians, chapter
13, where we find that love is patient and kind.  It does not envy or boast.
It is not proud, rude, self-seeking or easily angered.  Love keeps no record
of wrongs.  It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  Love
always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.

LOVING OUR WIVES IS NOT OPTIONAL

     The second thing we need to recognize is that loving our wives is not
optional.  In Ephesians 5:25 we are commanded to love them.  Conscious
failure to do so is sin.  Although preachers and theologians spend much time
and fill many books defining love, each of us husbands has a pretty good
idea of whether or not we are loving our wives as Christ loved the church.
If you intentionally and consciously have failed to love your wife as you
should, you can be sure that many of the other things that are out of
balance in your life can be traced to this decision.  For sin (conscious
disobedience) carries with it many predicable consequences, as well as some
that are not so predictable.  The answer to sin is acknowledgement of it,
confession, repentance, and where appropriate, restitution.  If you wish to
improve your relationship with God, improve your relationship with your wife
and watch things begin to happen.

     You may say, "That's just great for you to say, Ken, but you're not
married to my wife."  My response is:  if you wife is not so lovable, what
made her that way?  When you married her, something motivated you to make
that commitment.  Whether or not it was love then, it is within your power
not to determine that from this point forward you will love her.  As you
make that decision and begin to act on it, I can assure you that God will
bless your obedience.  The chances are very good that He will also bless
your wife, and as she discovers that you are really serious (which may take
a while), she might also turn out to be a person you never suspected
existed.  You are not responsible for her loving you.  You are only
responsible for loving her.  Conduct yourself in a fashion pleasing to God
and see if He doesn't reward you through your wife.

HUSBANDS MUST LEARN TO BE SUBMITTED

     Another important lesson for husbands to learn is submission.
Scripture tells us that wives should submit to their husbands.  I believe
that it's just as important for husbands to submit to their wives.  Rather
than making unilateral decisions as the "head of the wife," husbands must
recognize that God's best involves decision making by consensus between
husband and wife.  There will be times when you and your wife are not in
agreement and a decision needs to be made.  That is the point at which the
wife needs to accede to the husband's position as her head.  I suspect,
however, that the more we engage in decision making by consensus with our
wives, the fewer instances there will be of actual disagreement.

     How let's turn to some of the practical aspects of loving our wives.
It's a good idea to begin by ascertaining what kind of a relationship you
actually have with your wife.  Let me use the example of a couple I
counseled about their finances last year.  On the surface they gave the
impression that they had a pretty good relationship but were simply
overburdened by their financial problems.  During the course of our
counseling session, however, I asked each of them to rate their marriage.
On a scale of zero to ten, she gave it a zero.  He gave it a two.  I
suggested that they apply some of the techniques that I am about to suggest
to you and that they come back in six weeks.  When they returned, I asked
them the same question.  This time the husband gave their relationship a
six, and she was up to a two.  Actually, her body language convinced me that
their relationship had improved well beyond a two, but she wasn't sure it
wasn't just another flash in the pan.  She was reserving judgment on their
relationship until she saw enough progress over a long enough period of time
to be willing to relax her defense.

     As I've shared with some of you in a prior article, I ask Pat that same
question years ago, fully expecting at least an eight.  She gave me a two.
I was underwhelmed, to say the least.  After discussing with her those
things I could do to raise my two to an eight, I conscientiously applied
myself to the task and, within a relatively short time, had earned an eight.
I then asked her what if would take to get to ten.  That's where the rubber
really met the road.  It took real diligence on my part and considerable
longer to get my ten.  In fact, she began to measure my progress in
fractions.  But get it I did.  (Since then, I have just assumed that I have
a ten!)

     What are the techniques I suggested to that couple?  Absolutely the
most important thing you can do to improve your relationship with you wife
is be sure that your relationship with God is on sound footing.  To do this,
you must spend quality time with God on an on-going, regular basis.  Begin
with at least fifteen minutes per day and set a goal of working toward one
hour per day.  During this time you can read your Bible, pray and give God
an opportunity to be part of your thinking process.

PRAY WITH YOUR WIFE

     Another thing that holds great potential for success is praying
together with your wife.  If she is unwilling to pray in front of you,
perhaps she would be willing to join you while you pray aloud.  If your
relationship is so off-track that she will not even listen to you pray, then
I would encourage you to immediately increase your regular daily time with
God.  Ask Him to move her to that point in her relationship with Him that
she will pray with you.  Establish a regular time each day to pray together
and give that time the highest priority.  Take whatever steps are necessary
to prevent interruption including, if necessary, taking the phone off the
hook and instructing children that you are not to be disturbed.  If you have
very small ones, you may need to pray together while they are asleep.
During this prayer time you will find that you are willing to tell God
things about yourself and about your relationship with your wife that you
have been unable to tell her directly.  As she listens to your conversation
with the Lord, she will become much more open to discussing things with Him
in front of you.  This process can be very reinforcing.  In a relatively
short period of time, you will find yourselves talking to each other through
God in a way you never imagined possible.  Just set aside five or ten
minutes to begin this process and see where God takes you.

DECIDE HOW YOU CAN PLEASE HER

     Next, determine some of the things you need to do to please your wife.
then make a list and begin to do them.  Better yet, let her make the list.
Establish a regular time each day or each week that you will work on her
priorities.  As she sees your best intentions translating into action,
you'll begin to see a much more lovable mate than you might otherwise ever
have imagined.

     A forth important technique is to get your finances straight.  Sit down
with your wife and establish a budget.  If you don't know how to do that,
come to one of our seminars in the Washington DC area or contact Christian
Financial Concepts in Dahlonega, Georgia (404/864-4570). If the seminar is
not enough, come on in for personal counseling.  Generally speaking, a
wife's freedom from anxiety is directly proportional to the state of the
family's finances.

     Establish predictability in your relationship.  Schedule certain things
to happen at certain times and be faithful to observe the schedule.  At
least one family meal should be scheduled daily with all family members in
attendance.  Each family member should have a regular time to go to bed and
a regular time to get up.  One of the biggest myths encountered in the
husband-wife relationship is that both spouses need to go to bed at the same
time.  While there's certainly nothing wrong with that if both are in
agreement, you should not insist that your wife go to bed when you do.  In
fact, you'll find increasing freedom in your relationship if you will give
her the freedom to determine her own bedtime and rising time.

SPEND QUALITY TIME TOGETHER

     Spend quality time with your wife and on a regular basis.  Ask her how
much of your time she wishes to have and give that a priority second only to
your time with God.  If you think she's being unreasonable, come to one of
our Time Management seminars.  I'll be glad to referee.

     It's extremely important to your wife that she be able to rely on what
you have told her.  Therefore, be reliable.  Commit yourself to following
through on what you have promised.  When you fail, go to you wife and ask
her to forgive you.  Unless you are habitually unreliable she will, and
asking for forgiveness will do worlds for your relationship.

     Be thoughtful.  Telephone her once each day just to let her know you're
thinking of her.  Flowers are almost universally appreciated by wives, and
they don't have to be expensive.

     You and your wife may wish to go on a retreat together.  There are a
number of Christian retreats and conferences which are designed specifically
to strengthen marriages.  One that Pat and I have benefited from throughout
our marriage is the Family Life Conference headed by Dennis Rainey of Campus
Crusade for Christ.  Their next conference in the Washington DC area will be
15-17 April at the McLean Hilton Hotel.  For this year's conference schedule
in other cities, write.  Family Life Ministry, P.O. Box 23840, Little Rock,
Arkansas 72221-3840.

WIVES PRAY FOR YOU HUSBANDS

     In conclusion, a brief word to the wives:  pray for your husband.  As
you identify areas in his life that need the assistance of the Holy Spirit,
don't make the mistake of doing God's work for Him.  You may need to limit
your efforts to prayer and rejoice as God answers them.  You may also need
to concentrate on the characteristics of love identified earlier in this
article, particulary patience.  Concentrate on the positive aspects of your
relationship with your husband and rejoice as those areas increase.
Husbands, see what you can do between now and Valentine's Day to get it
together.

Reprinted from Christian Stewardship Ministries' newsletter GLAD TITHINGS,
Fairfax, VA. FEB 88, Volume 7, No. 2

Christian Stewardship Ministries', The Mosby, Suite A-100, 10560 Main St.,
Fairfax, VA 22030 (703/591-5000)

If by chance you should call or write; please let them know Southern
Maryland Christian Information Service (SMCIS) BBS, California, MD
(301/862-1920) provide you with this article written by Ken Smith
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