Don╒t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
good, you╒ll have to ram them down people╒s throats.
- Howard Aiken
@
Committee, n. A group of men who individually can do nothing
but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
@
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God╒s mind - a pretty
uncomfortable thought, particularly if you╒ve just made a down
payment on a house.
- Woody Allen
@
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
- Woody Allen
@
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only
food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen
@
I don╒t want to be immortal through my works;
I want to be immortal through not dying.
- Woody Allen
@
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
- Woody Allen
@
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
desirable, as one╒s hat keeps blowing off.
- Woody Allen
@
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen
@
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
@
Shake and shake
The catsup bottle,
None will come,
And then a lot╒ll.
- Richard Armour
@
I don╒t want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
- Davy Barry
@
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl
and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
- John Barrymore
@
Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Defame, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Distress, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity
of a friend.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Discussion, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Disobey, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Consult, v.t. To seek another╒s approval of a course already
decided upon.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Applause, n. The echo of a platitude.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Appeal, vt. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Liar, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Lawyer, n. One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit
without individual responsibility.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as
distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be.
- Ambrose Bierce
@
Research is what I╒m doing when I don╒t know what I╒m doing.
- Wernher von Braun
@
The buffalo isn╒t as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed
in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
- Art Buchwald
@
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire
on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
- Samuel Butler
@
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
- Samuel Butler
@
The trouble with born-again Christians is that
they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
- Herb Caen
@
There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory
of some temptation we resisted.
- James Branch Cabell
@
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
- James Branch Cabell
@
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
- Henry N. Camp
@
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off.
- Johnny Carson
@
My country right or wrong, is a thing no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, ╥My mother drunk or sober!╙
- G.K. Chesterton
@
The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.
- Confucius
@
The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man
understands what will sell.
- Confucius
@
The people may be made to follow a path of action, but they may
not be made to understand it.
- Confucius
@
Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue.
- Confucius
@
Rotten wood cannot be carved.
- Confucius
@
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
- Alan Coult
@
If an animal does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same
thing for the same reason, we call it intelligence.
- Will Cuppy
@
I don╒t like spinach, and I╒m glad I don╒t, because if I liked it I╒d eat it, and I just hate it.
- Clarence Darrow
@
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I╒m beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow
@
There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
existence of a ╥hottest part╙ implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
- Richard Davisson
@
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn╒t go away.
- Philip K. Dick
@
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
- Benjamin Disraeli
@
If you╒re not very clever you should be conciliatory.
- Benjamin Disraeli
@
How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
3.155 x 10^7, you won╒t even try to remember it. On the other
hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds
is a nanocentury.
- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
@
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition
from mediocre minds.
- Albert Einstein
@
Physical concepts are free creations of the human mind, and are
not, however it may seem, uniquely determined by the external world.
- Albert Einstein
@
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
-- Ralph Emerson
@
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
- Ransom K. Ferm
@
If at first you don╒t succeed, try, try again. Then quit.
There╒s no use being a damn fool about it.
- W.C. Fields
@
Never confuse motion for action.
- Benjamin Franklin
@
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
- Robert Frost
@
A hypothetical paradox:
What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can╒t hit the broad side of a planet?
- Tom Galloway
@
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.
- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
@
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a ╥realist,╙ he is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
- Sydney Harris
@
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000,
at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
- Robert A. Heinlein
@
There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
deficiencies.
- C. A. R. Hoare
@
Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
- Ed Howe
@
Round numbers are always false.
- Samuel Johnson
@
Originality is the art of concealing your source.
- Franklin P. Jones
@
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody╒s there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
@
Men seldom make passes at a girl who surpasses.
- Franklin P. Jones
@
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- Franklin P. Jones
@
Conscience: A small, still voice that makes minority reports.
- Franklin P. Jones
@
Children are unpredictable. You never know what
inconsistency they╒re going to catch you in next.
- Franklin P. Jones
@
You can learn many things from children.
How much patience you have, for instance.
- Franklin P. Jones
@
It╒s the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we╒re paying somebody not to.
- Franklin P. Jones
@
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
revolution inevitable.
- John F. Kennedy
@
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fletcher Knebel
@
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
- Doug Larson
@
It may be those who do most, dream most.
- Stephen Leacock
@
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
- Stephen Leacock
@
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat
- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
@
Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
- John Lennon
@
The assertion that ╥all men are created equal╙ was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use.
- Abraham Lincoln
@
Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.
- Abraham Lincoln
@
There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous
to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead
in the introduction of a new order of things.
- Niccolÿ Machiavelli
@
There is no other way of guarding oneself against flattery than
by letting men understand that they will not offend you by speaking the truth; but when everyone can tell you the truth, you lose their respect.
- Niccolÿ Machiavelli
@
I╒m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up
wars for young men to die in.
- George McGovern
@
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
- H.L. Mencken
@
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
- H.L. Mencken
@
Jury: A group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health, and business engagements, have failed to fool him.
- H.L. Mencken
@
The men the American people admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth.
- H.L. Mencken
@
There are some politicians who, if their constituents were cannibals,
would promise them missionaries for dinner.
- H.L. Mencken
@
A gentleman is one who never strikes a woman without provocation.
- H.L. Mencken
@
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.
- H. L. Mencken
@
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
- H. L. Mencken
@
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
- Dave Millman
@
Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I╒m down to mine and it hasn╒t.
- Robert Orben
@
You can measure a programmer╒s perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
- Alan Perlis
@
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Jeff Raskin
@
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
- F. J. Raymond
@
Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?
- Ronald Reagan
@
If you╒ve seen one redwood, you╒ve seen them all.
- Ronald Reagan
@
Well, I would ╤ if they realized that we ╤ again if ╤ if we led them back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn╒t afford it, that would hold them off.
- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
@
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session
as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
- Will Rogers
@
I belong to no organized political party - I am a Democrat.
- Will Rogers
@
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
- E. Rutherford
@
Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.
- George Santayana
@
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
because the stakes are so low.
- Wallace Sayre
@
Don╒t worry about the world coming to an end today.
It╒s already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles Schulz
@
The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
- Charles Schulz
@
If you want divine justice, die.
- Nick Seldon
@
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
- William Shakespeare
@
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend
upon the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
@
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
- George Bernard Shaw
@
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by
those who have not got it.
- George Bernard Shaw
@
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all
other countries because you were born in it.
- George Bernard Shaw
@
Englishman: A creature who thinks he is being virtuous
when he is only being uncomfortable.
- George Bernard Shaw
@
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who doesn╒t object to it.
- George Bernard Shaw
@
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
- Edgar A. Shoaff
@
C, n. A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except
more like assembly except that it isn╒t very much like either one,
or anything else. It is either the best language available to
the art today, or it isn╒t.
- Ray Simard
@
Goto, n. A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.
- Ray Simard
@
A sine-wave goes off into infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
- Prof. Steiner
@
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
choose from.
- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
@
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
- Kelvin Throop III
@
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one
was, that they escaped teething.
- Mark Twain
@
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond;
cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
- Mark Twain
@
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die
even the undertaker will be sorry.
- Mark Twain
@
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and
loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole
lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain
@
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a
young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.
- Mark Twain
@
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once
a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal,
complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
- Mark Twain
@
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
- Mark Twain
@
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
- Mark Twain
@
Nothing so needs reforming as other people╒s habits.
- Mark Twain
@
Behold, the fool saith, ╥Put not all thine eggs in the one basket╙
- which is but a manner of saying, ╥Scatter your money and your
attention╙; but the wise man saith, ╥Put all of your eggs in the one
basket and - WATCH THAT BASKET.╙
- Mark Twain
@
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
@
We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.
- Mark Twain
@
Even popularity can be overdone. In Rome, along at first, you are full of regrets that Michelangelo died; but by and by you only regret that you didn╒t see him do it.
- Mark Twain
@
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain
@
It were not best that we should all think alike;
it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.
- Mark Twain
@
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no
distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
- Mark Twain
@
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain
@
Let us be thankful for the fools.
But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
- Mark Twain
@
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit,
you would stay out and your dog would go in.
- Mark Twain
@
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look,
it╒s a sure sign you╒re getting old.
- Mark Twain
@
Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.
- Mark Twain
@
Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain
or freed a human soul.
- Mark Twain
@
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
- Mark Twain
@
I don╒t like to commit myself about heaven and hell
- you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
@
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
- Mark Twain
@
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
@
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
- Mark Twain
@
Substitute ╥damn╙ every time you╒re inclined to write ╥very╙; your
editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
- Mark Twain
@
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
- Mark Twain.
@
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
- Voltaire
@
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
- Voltaire
@
A physicist is an atom╒s way of knowing about atoms.
- George Wald
@
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.
- Daniel Webster
@
Be obscure clearly.
- E.B. White
@
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot╒s at the other end.
- Bert Whitney
@
To lose one parent...may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
- Oscar Wilde
@
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
@
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
@
Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
He╒ll come in handy if you run out of food.
- Dean McLaughlin.
@
Diogenes was asked what wine he liked best; and he answered
as I would have done when he said: ╥Somebody else╒s.╙
- Michel de Montaigne
@
Everything you know is wrong!
- Firesign Theater
@
I don╒t know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation
if He didn╒t.
- Jules Renard
@
There are not enough jails, not enough policemen, not enough courts to enforce a law not supported by the people.
- Hubert H. Humphrey
@
To some lawyers, all facts are created equal.
- Felix Frankfurter
@
Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
- Oscar Levant
@
A great many people think they are thinking when they are
merely rearranging their prejudices.
- William James
@
A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty years.
- Wendell L. Willkie
@
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
good for dandruff.
- Peter de Vries
@
It is surely harmful to souls to make it a heresy to believe
what is proved.
- Galileo Galilei
@
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- Groucho Marx
@
It requires a very unusual mind to make an analysis of the obvious.
- Alfred North Whitehead
@
The best way to keep children home is to make the home
atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires.
- Dorothy Parker
@
Nothing would please the Kremlin more than to have the
people of this country choose a second-rate president.
- Richard M. Nixon
@
The tragic lesson of guilty men walking free in this country
has not been lost on the criminal community.
- Richard M. Nixon
@
The dictum that truth always triumphs over persecution is one of those pleasant falsehoods which men repeat after one another till they pass into commonplace, but which all experience refutes.
- John Stuart Mill
@
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn╒t.
- Hofstadter
@
There is no stronger bond of friendship than a mutual enemy.
- Frankfort Moore
@
If you can╒t answer a man╒s argument, all is not lost; you can
still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
@
Abstract Art: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled
to the utterly bewildered.
- Al Capp
@
I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true.
- Harry Truman
@
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
- Anatole France
@
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
- Art Hoppe
@
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
- Graham Summer
@
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Redd Foxx
@
Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
- Johnny Hart
@
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.
- Marshall Lumsden
@
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
- Sinclair Lewis
@
The notion of a ╥record╙ is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
- Dennis M. Ritchie
@
A baby is God╒s opinion that the world should go on.
- Carl Sandburg
@
The sooner all the animals are dead,
the sooner we╒ll find their money.
- Ed Bluestone
@
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
- Don Marquis
@
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
@
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake,
one of them keeps paying for it.
- Peggy Joyce
@
The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
@
Reflections on Ice-Breaking
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
- Ogden Nash
@
In America any boy may become president and
I suppose it╒s just one of the risks he takes.
- Adlai Stevenson
@
It╒s a small world, but I wouldn╒t want to paint it.
- Steven Wright
@
You can╒t have everything - where would you put it?
- Steven Wright
@
Women - you can╒t live with ╒em, and you can╒t shoot ╒em.
- Steven Wright
@
Everything is within walking distance, if you have enough time.
- Steven Wright
@
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I╒m leaving.
- Steven Wright
@
Treason doth never prosper: what╒s the reason?
For if it prosper, none dare call it treason.
- Sir John Harington
@
Don╒t look back. Something may be gaining on you.
- Satchel Paige
@
Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent.
- Boies Penrose
@
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let╒s knock them while
they╒re alive.
- John Sloan
@
Democracy is the worst system devised by the wit of man,
except for all the others.
- Winston Churchill
@
Diplomacy is the art of saying ╥Nice doggie!╙ till you can find a rock.
- Wynn Catlin
@
Under current law, it is a crime for a private citizen to lie to
a government official, but not for the government official to
lie to the people.
- Donald M. Fraser
@
Poets are born, not paid.
- Wilson Mizner
@
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
- Henry David Thoreau
@
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random numbers is, of course, in a state of sin.
- John Von Neumann
@
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
