CP/M/CPM_CDROM.iso/beehive/text/insults

Internet Message Format | 1992-05-23 | 8KB

From cluster!metro!munnari.oz.au!spool.mu.edu!sdd.hp.com!hplabs!hpfcso!hpfcdc!ajs Fri Apr 26 19:54:41 EST 1991
Article 13392 of rec.humor:
Path: cluster!metro!munnari.oz.au!spool.mu.edu!sdd.hp.com!hplabs!hpfcso!hpfcdc!ajs
>From: [e-mail] (Alan Silverstein)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Fulldeckisms
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Date: 17 Apr 91 18:07:52 GMT
References: <[e-mail]>
Organization: HP Fort Collins, Co.
Lines: 205

The evolution of this list continues.  I see you have some that I edited
and posted earlier, plus lots of new ones I haven't seen before.  Here's
my newest list with all of yours included (but for a few I didn't think
merited it).  I tried to ensure simplest forms, uniqueness, and clean
editing/spelling.


    Compendium of insults from...

    Newsgroups:  rec.humor (plus additions from elsewhere)
    Subject:  not altogether there
    Date:  April 1987  (last updated 910417)

    "Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."
    $HOME = /dev/null.
    A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
    A couple of open splices.
    A couple of revisions behind.
    A couple of volts below threshold.
    A couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
    A few beers short of a six-pack.
    A few bombs short of a full load.
    A few bricks shy of a load.
    A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.
    A few pickles short of a jar.
    A few planes short of an Air Force.
    A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
    A little light in his loafers.
    A looney tune.
    A quart low.
    A return with no gosub.
    A room temperature IQ.
    About as bright as a small appliance bulb.
    About as sharp as a bowling ball, and twice as smart.
    About as smart as bait.
    About four cents short of a nickel.
    All booster -- no payload.
    All crown -- no filling.
    All his eggs in the same basket.
    All the lights don't shine in his marquis.
    All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
    An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
    Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
    As thick as two short planks.
    Attic's a little dusty.
    Back burners not fully operating.
    Bad spot on the disk.
    Bats in the belfry.
    Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
    Been playing with his wand too much.
    Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
    Been short on oxygen one time too many.
    Been using his head as a mass driver.
    Blew his O-rings.
    Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
    Born a day late, and like that ever since.
    CPU not connected to the bus.
    Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
    Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
    Chimney's clogged.
    Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
    Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
    Cursor's flashing, but there's no response.
    Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
    Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.
    Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
    Doesn't have all the pens in her plotter.
    Doesn't have both oars in the water.
    Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
    Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
    Driving with two wheels in the sand.
    Dropped her second stage too soon.
    Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
    Echoes between the ears.
    Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
    Elevator goes all the way to the top, but the door doesn't open.
    Finds a flat by swapping tires.
    Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
    Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
    Gyros are loose.
    Half a bubble off plumb.  -- attributed to Mark Twain
    Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace
        is missing from his deck altogether.
    Has a few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.
    Has a few wait states.
    Has a one-bit brain with a parity error.
    Has a screw loose.
    Has a slow clock.
    Has an ego like a black hole.
    Has both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
    Has bubbles in her think tank.
    Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
    Has it floored in neutral.
    Has only one oar in the water.
    Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
    Has the IQ of a ice cube.
    Has the IQ of a salad bar.
    Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
    Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
    He's diagnosable.
    He's in, but he's out to lunch.
    Head whistles in a cross wind.
    His memory is truly random-access.
    If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
    If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
    If he had another brain, it would be lonesome.
    If he was any dumber, he'd be a green plant.
    If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
    If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
    If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
    If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
    If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
    In need of a ROM upgrade.
    In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
    Infinite space between her ears.
    Left his booster on the launch pad.
    Left the store without all of his groceries.
    Lights are on but nobody's home.
    Lights not burning too bright.
    Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend.
    Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
    Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
    Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
    Mainspring's wound too tight.
    Mind like a steel sieve.
    Mind like a steel trap -- full of mice.
    Mind like a steel trap -- nothing in, nothing out.
    Mind like a steel trap -- rusted shut.
    Missing a few catalog cards.
    Missing a few gears.
    Missing a few marbles.
    Nice house, not much furniture.
    Nine pence in the shilling.
    No one at the throttle.
    No wind in the her mind's windmills.
    Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
    Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.
    Not firing on all four (six) (eight) cylinders.
    Not hard-docked.
    Not playing with a full deck.
    Not running on full thrusters.
    Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
    Not wrapped too tight.
    Nothing between the stethoscopes.
    Off his rocker.
    Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
    On the batting end of a no-hitter.
    One boot stuck in the sand.
    One shingle shy of a roof.
    One side short of a pentagon.
    Only playing with 51 cards.
    Only playing with the jokers.
    Over the rainbow.
    Overruns above 110 baud.
    Paged/swapped out.
    Paralyzed from the neck up.
    Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
    Pins 2 & 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
    Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
    Playing hockey with a warped puck.
    Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
    Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
    Reading from an empty disk.
    Receiver is off the hook.
    Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
    Reset line is glitching.
    Result of a first cousin marriage.
    Running on empty.
    S  p  a  c  e  d   o  u  t .
    Sailboat fuel for brains.
    Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
    Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
    Short a few cards.
    Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
    Skiing in Ohio.
    Skylight leaks a little.
    Slinky's kinked.
    Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
    Some bugs in his software.
    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
    Someone blew out his pilot light.
    Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
    Someone let the air out of her lock.
    Source code is missing a few lines.
    Surfing in Nebraska.
    Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
    Teflon brain (nothing sticks).
    The attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
    The best part of him ran down his mother's legs.  -- Jackie Gleason
    The cheese slid off his cracker.
    The going got weird, and he turned pro.
    The mental agility of a soap dish.
    The synapses are about *that* far apart.
    Thick as a brick.
    Thinks at 5 baud.
    Too much yardage between the goal posts.
    Toys in the attic.
    Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
    Two bits shy of a word.
    Two tacos short of a combination plate.
    Vacancy on the top floor.
    Vertically-fornicated mind.
    Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts.
    Wasn't strapped in during launch.
    With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.