HaCKeRz Kr0nlcKLeZ 3/HaCKeRz_KrOnIcKLeZ.iso/chibacity/fear.txt

Text File | 1996-04-23 | 17.2 KB | 524 lines

[-   Win Cool SCSI Stuff   -]

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This sounds suspiciously like an idler's manifesto, but if you're stuck in
an austere workplace, this may just do the trick.

From: "Kendra Frederich" ([e-mail])
Subject: Fwd:  long computer joke
Date: 2 Jan 96
Posted to: [e-mail]

>50 Ways to Scare People In the Computer Room
>
>1.  Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look
>on your face and scream "Oh my God!  They've
>found me!" and bolt.
>
>2.  Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes &
>then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at
>everyone who looks at you.
>
>3.  When your computer is turned off, complain
>to the monitor on duty that you can't get the
>damn thing to work.  After he/she's turned it on,
>wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the
>process for a good half hour.
>
>4.  Type frantically, often stopping to look at the
>person next to you evilly.
>
>5.  Before anyone else is in the lab, connect
>each computer to different screen than the one
>it's set up with.
>
>6.  Write a program that plays the "Smurfs"
>theme song and play it at the highest volume
>possible over & over again.
>
>7.  Work normally for a while. Suddenly look
>amazingly startled by something on the screen
>and crawl underneath the desk.
>
>8.  Ask the person next to you if they know how
>to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
>
>9.  Use Interactive Send to make passes at
>people you don't know.
>
>10.  Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer
>before you turn it on.
>
>11.  Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone
>asks why you have it, say "Just in case..."
>mysteriously.
>
>12.  Type on VAX for a while.  Suddenly start
>cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about
>your life.  Then stop and continue typing.
>
>13.  Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at
>other people as if they're crazy while typing.
>
>14.  Light candles in a pentagram around your
>terminal before starting.
>
>15.  Ask around for a spare disk.  Offer $2.
>Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a
>disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
>
>16.  Every time you press Return and there is
>processing time required, pray
>"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and
>scream "YES!" when it finishes.
>
>17.  "DISK FIGHT!!!"
>
>18.  Start making out with the person at the
>terminal next to you (It helps if you know them,
>but this is also a great way to make new
>friends).
>
>19.  Put a straw in your mouth and put your
>hands in your pockets. type by hitting the keys
>with the straw.
>
>20.  If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin
>around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
>whenever there is processing time required.
>
>21.  Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a
>piece of paper, tape it to your monitor.  Try to
>seduce it.  Act like it hates you and then
>complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
>
>22.  Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3
>1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the
>supervisor.
>
>23.  When you are on an IBM, and when you
>turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple
>face is when you turn on one of those.
>
>24.  Print out the complete works of
>Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days
>later) say that all you wanted was one line.
>
>25.  Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails
>noisely.  After doing this for a while, spit them
>out at the feet of the person next to you.
>
>26.  Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop,
>look at the person next to grinding.  Repeat
>procedure, making sure you never provoke the
>person enough to let them blow up, as this
>releases tension, and it is far more effective to
>let them linger.
>
>27.  If you have long hair, take a typing break,
>look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on
>your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
>
>28.  Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the
>British Royal Family on your desk and loudly
>proclaim that it inspires you.
>
>29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of
>socks.  Remove shoes and place them of top of
>the monitor.  Remove socks layer by layer and
>drape them around the monitor.  Exclaim sudden
>haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on
>plastic.
>
>30.  Take the keyboard and sit under the
>computer.  Type up your paper like this.  Then
>go to the lab supervisor and complain about the
>bad working conditions.
>
>31.  Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish
>in flames!!!" and continue working.
>
>32.  Bring some dry ice & make it look like your
>computer is smoking.
>
>33.  Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the
>Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.).
>Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.
>Write an entire paper this way.
>
>34.  Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
>
>35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by
>reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I
>borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the
>keyboard & taking it.
>
>36.  Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
>
>37.  When doing calculations, pull out an
>abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are
>best.
>
>38.  Play Pong for hours on the most powerful
>computer in the lab.
>
>39.  Make a loud noise of hitting the same key
>over and over again until you see that your
>neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar
>so your fill isn't affected).  Then look at your
>neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key
>several times, erasing an entire word.  While
>you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key
>work?"  Shake your head, and resume hitting
>the space bar on your keyboard.  Keep doing
>this until you've deleted about a page of your
>neighbor's document.  Then, suddenly exclaim:
>"Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the
>space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't
>deleting! Ha!"  Print out your document and
>leave.
>
>40.  Remove your disk from the drive and hide
>it.  Go to the lab monitor and complain that your
>computer ate your disk.  (For special effects,
>put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk
>drive.  Claim that the computer is drooling.)
>
>41.  Stare at the person's next to your's screen,
>look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say
>"You did that?" loudly.  Keep laughing, grab
>your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
>
>42. Point at the screen.  Chant in a made up
>language while making elaborate hand gestures
>for a minute or two.  Press return or the use,
>then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!"
>peek up from under the table, walk back to the
>computer and say.  "Oh, good.  It worked this
>time," and calmly start to type again.
>
>43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to
>swat them.
>
>44. See who's online.  Send a total stranger a
>talk request.  Talk to them like you've known
>them all your lives.  Hangup before they geta
>chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
>
>45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of
>really absurd sound effects.  Pretend it's the
>computer and look really lost.
>
>46. Pull out a pencil.  Start writing on the
>screen.  Complain that the lead doesn't work.
>
>47. Come into the computer lab wearing several
>endangered species of flowers in your hair.
>Smile incessantly.  Type a sentence, then laugh
>happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and
>kiss the screen.  Repeat this after every
>sentence.  As your ecstasy mounts, also hug
>the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then
>the computer assistant, and walk out.
>
>48.  Run into the computer lab, shout
>"Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down
>and begin to type.
>
>49.   Quietly walk into the computer lab with a
>Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up,
>and then walk up to the nearest person and say
>"Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my
>pet crocodile for the next week".
>
>50.  Two words:  Tesla Coil.

[Image]

Old habits never die, it seems. Larceny is alive and well in Australia.

From: [e-mail] (Dunn)
Subject: I guess the sign was right...
Date: 27 Dec 95
Posted to: rec.humor.funny

This is a true story, a personal account from a trip I took to
Australia when I was about 14.

My father and I were in a section of Sydney called The Rocks.  It is
somewhere between the Harbor Bridge, and the Opera House, the two main
landmarks seen in postcards.  The Rocks' main claim to fame is that
it's the first place that the convicts settled.  We were on a nice
cobblestone road near some stores, reading a plaque on a wall.  The
plaque read "This area was the place where the convicted criminals
sent from England lived during the original colonization [etc...]"
While we were still reading this sign, we heard an alarm behind us.  A
couple ran out of a store carrying armloads of clothing and other
goods, and as they ran by, they dropped a screwdriver.  After a couple
moments of blinking, we went back to reading the plaque.

Pretty good publicity stunt :-)

[Image]

Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride ... when the insurance adjuster
gets wind of these tall tales.

From: Robert Loach <[e-mail]>
Subject: accident reports
Date: 29 Dec 1995
To: [e-mail]

Hello fellows owners of senses of humor, In honor of my eldest child
going for her driver's test for the third time this next week, I post
the following summaries, which were taken from actual insurance and
police accident forms.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a
place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to
stop in time to avoid the accident.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intentions.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment.

The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I
found that I had a skull fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
roadway when I struck him.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth.

The telephone was approaching fast.  I was attempting to swerve out of
its path when it struck my front end.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
that I don't have.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other
vehicle.  The driver and passengers then left immediately for a
vacation with injuries.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

I was on my way to the doctor's office with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way, causing me to have the accident.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
hood of my car.

Rob Loach, French prof in Greenville SC  [e-mail]

[Image]

Move over Java: Here's a new programming environment that actually puts
some perk in the percolator.

From: [e-mail] (David Coble)
Subject: Re: Coffee
Date: 27 Dec 1995
Posted to: rec.humor

The author's name is Cary O'Brien

     NCM(1)       (Essential Fluids)   NCM(1)

     NAME
   ncm - new coffee maker

     SYNOPSIS
   ncm [ -RadCxmlnogrtucpFbqisf ] [caf|decaf|columbian]

     DESCRIPTION
   For each available heating unit, ncm determines if coffee
   exists, is hot, and is not tar(4).  If any of these are
   true, the necessary actions are taken to change the
   situation as required, or as specified by the environment
   variable BURNERS.  ncp then gathers the necessary material
   and proceeds.  The -M option makes coffee in the morning.
   The drinkinfo(4) database is used to determine the blend and
   the amount of caffeine, based on the environment variables
   DRINK, TZ, and the current time.  If this information cannot
   be obtained, full strength Maxwell House is assumed.

   The ncm command has many, many more than the following
   options, not all of which are currently supported.  Some may
   never be supported.  We are really busy here, and we will
   try to get around to it as soon as possible, but Doc is
   breathing down my neck to get something else done, so you
   will just have to be patient!:

   -R   Recursively make coffee until all resources are
        exhausted.

   -a   Generate aroma only.

   -l   The same as -n except slower.

   -d   Brew decaf.  Will not operate before 10:30 am.

   -n   The same as -l

   -j   Use Jamaica Blue Mountain primo special.  This can only
        be executed by coffeadmin.

   -r   Reverse the order of brewing to get newest first or
        oldest first as appropriate.

   -v   Execute the vgrind(1) program before proceeding for a
        fresher brew.

     EXAMPLES
        ncp -ldm NOW!

   Make lots of coffee now!

     FILES
   /etc/grinder
   /etc/filter

     SEE ALSO
   tee(1), coke(1), sync(1).

     NOTES
   The ncm command may be used as a filter.

   For more information see the "Making Good Coffee" section of
   Chapter 10 of the Kitchen Administrator's Guide.

     BUGS
   Ick. I hope not.

 | AmiQWK 2.9 - FREEWARE |
... Constant Area:  The Stomach

[Image]

Hormel Foods spams netizens with a decidedly wimpy cease-and-desist order.
C'mon, not even a threat of a lawsuit?

From: [e-mail]
Subject: TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENTS!!! HELP!!!
Date: 22 Dec 1995
Posted to: alt.spam

Hello,

I have had an art gallery here on Teleport for one year and it has
done very well, have you folks seen it? It is called The Galleria De'
Spam and can be forund at
http://www.teleport.com/spamboy/gallery.html

Recently I got this letter in my snail mail box:

December 15, 1995

Mr. Kenneth Ball
2336 N.E. 42nd Ave
Portland, OR 97213

RE: Our Trademark SPAM

Dear Mr. Ball:

Recently, we became aware of your use of the terms "SPAM BOY" and
"GALLERIA De' SPAM" in connection with your electronic gallery on the
internet.

Hormel foods Corporation has been using the trademark SPAM since 1937
in connection with our canned luncheon meat product. That trademark is
the subject of Registration No. 529,294 dated August 22, 1950 in the
United States Patent and Trademark Office. In addition, we have
registred SPAM for a wide variety of other goods which are the subject
of Registration Nos. 755,187 for deviled luncheon meat spread:
1,338,031 for T-shirts: 1,415,969 for caps; 1,498,745 for wearing
apparel; 1,505,620 for meat slicers; 1,526,989 for blankets; and
1,716,102 for processed meat. We also use our trademark SPAM for
certain authorized events which feature our product.

Even though you may have been intending to use these terms
descriptively and innocently, they nevertheless become an infringement
and dilution of our trademark.

We are concerned that your use may tend to cause confusion as to the
source of your services. In order to avoid and the dilution to our
trademark, we must respectfully but urgently insist that you
discontinue use of this terminology in future promotional and
advertising materials, whether on the internet or otherwise.

Please reply within 10 days of your recipt of this letter giving your
assurance that you will discontinue your use of this terminology. You
may indicate your agreement to so comply by simply countersigning this
letter in the space below and return it to us or by separate letter.
Thank You.

                                    Very truly yours,


                                    KEVIN C. JONES
Agreed by:

------------------
My name

Date:
     ------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Help!?!? What the hell??? should I do??? The GIANT greasy meat cube is
after me!!!! Can they do this ???

Thanks KEN

[e-mail]

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Net Soup Contributors:
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Send us your soup stock.

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