Más de 2,500 Juegos/CD1.iso/ZIPDAT/0941/0941.ZIP/JOKER.JOK

Text File | 1994-06-01 | 36KB | 863 lines

94
A sampling of the jokes available in the Collection
***JOKE***

        A sportsman went to a hunting lodge and bagged a record number
of birds, aided by a dog named Salesman.  Next year he returned and
asked for Salesman again.  "The hound ain't no durn good now," the
handler said.
        "What happened!" cried the sportsman.  "Was he injured?"
        "No.  Some fool came down here and called him `Sales Manager'
all week instead of Salesman.  Now all he does is sit on his tail and
bark."
***JOKE***

        "I'm really worried," exclaimed Sam.
        "Why?" Pete asked.
        "Well, my wife read `A Tale of Two Cities' and we had twins.
Later she read `The Three Musketeers' and we had triplets.  Now she's
reading `Birth of a Nation!"
***JOKE***

        At a lecture series a very poor speaker was on the platform.  As
he was speaking, people in the audience began to get up and leave.
After about ten minutes there was only one man left.  Finally the man
stopped speaking and asked the man why he remained to the end.
"I'm the next speaker" was the reply.
***JOKE***

        The new preacher, at his first service had a pitcher of water
and a glass on the pulpit.  As he preached, he drank until the pitcher
of water was completely gone.
        After the service someone asked an old woman of the church, "How
did you like the new pastor?"
        "Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that
was run by water."
***JOKE***

        Thirteen ministers were on a flight to New York.  When they came
into a large storm, they told the stewardess to tell the pilot that
everything would be okay because 13 ministers were on board.
        Later the stewardess returned from the cockpit.
        "What did the pilot say?" one preacher asked.
        "He said he was glad to have 13 ministers aboard but he would
rather have four good engines."
***JOKE***

A Marine Drill Sergeant, known for his insensitivity and tough demeanor,
during roll call one day ended his talk with, "Oh, by the way, Kowalski,
your mother died last night."

A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same manner,
"Don't bother calling home this week Johnson, your house burned down
last night and killed your entire family."

Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called in
Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counseled him, instructing him to be a bit more
sensitive to the men.

So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's grandmother,
he decided to try another ploy.  "Okay, men.  Everyone whose
grandmother is still alive, take one step forward.  Not so fast, Lazinsky..."
***JOKE***

        A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons.  The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to
get one-half, the second eldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth.
The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these
fractions, began to argue.
        Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule, and
drove out to settle the matter.  He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
  The eldest son therefore got one-half or nine; the second got
one-third or six; and the youngest got one-ninth or two.  Adding up 9,
6, and 2 equals 17.  The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up
his mule and drove home.
***JOKE***

        A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish life-style went
to a party.  The conversation turned to Mozart.  "Absolutely brilliant,
magnificent, a genius!"
        The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, "Ah, Mozart.  You're so right.  I love him.  Only this morning
I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."  There was a
sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified.
He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now.  Get your
coat and let's get our of here."
        As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself.  Finally his
wife turned to him.  "You're angry about something."
        "Oh really?" You noticed?"  he sneered.  "I've never been so
embarrassed in my life!  You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney
Island?  You idiot!  Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go to Coney
Island?"
***JOKE***

         A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a
passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.   After he
was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should
think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
        "Can't do it", replied the farmer.  "At night I haul water for
the hole."
***JOKE***

        A pastor got this note addressed to him and his wife
accompanying a box of goodies from an old lady in the parish:

        "Dear Pastor:
         Knowing that you do not eat sweets, I am sending candy to your
         wife...and nuts to you."
***JOKE***

        An usher was passing the collection plate at a large church
wedding.  One of those attending looked up, very puzzled.  Without
waiting for the question, the usher nodded his head and said, "I know
it's unusual, but the father of the bride requested it."
***JOKE***

        "This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good
points and its bad points.  To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell
you about both.   The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant
one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
        "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
        "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is
blowing."
***JOKE***

        A Scotsman was arguing with a conductor as to whether the fare
was 50 or 75 cents.   Finally the disgusted conductor picked up the
Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the train, just as they passed
over a bridge.  The suitcase landed with a splash.
        "Man," screamed the Scotsman, "isn't it enough to try to
overcharge me, but now you try to drown my little boy!"
***JOKE***

Well, the Pentagon has been spending $800 for a hammer, and $650 for a
screwdriver.  The other day, I got a notice from the IRS (Internal Revenue
Service...) saying that I owed $17,000.

I sent them a Black and Decker Circular Saw and told them to keep the
change.
***JOKE***

Computers run because they have smoke built into them.
When the smoke gets out, the computer stops working.
***JOKE***

I recall an incident that aired on C-SPAN during the last campaign where
a senator walked up to the podium to deliver a speech in support of
George Bush.  On the way across the stage, he tripped on a cord,
knocking over a lamp.  He brought down the house, saying "Looks like
there's only 999 points of light now."

***JOKE***

This man is having no luck whatsoever finding employment in New York
City.  He decides maybe he'll have better luck in Washington, DC.  So he
goes to Grand Central Station and with his remaining money, buys a one
way ticket.  As he's waiting, he suffers a heart attack.

Three days later, he wakes up.  He sees a nun standing at the end of the
bed.  She tells him that he was brought to a catholic hospital, where
they operated on him and saved his life.  She says that the hospital
took the  liberty of going through his belongings and frankly, they were
a bit worried as to whether he would be able to pay for the operation.
He admits that  this might be a problem.  He explains how he is
unemployed and had just  spent his last few dollars on a train ticket.

The nun asks, do you have any well-to-do relatives that might be able to
pay your hospital bills for you?  He replies that his only living relative
is his sister, an old spinster nun living in Philadelphia.  The nun becomes
furious.  Nuns are NOT spinsters, they are NOT old maids, they are
married to GOD.

Fine, says the man, send the bill to my brother-in-law.
***JOKE***

 This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some
  tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face:

  doctor: "Well, I have some bad news and so