Hacker Chronicles 2

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Text File | 1990-01-22 | 15KB | 328 lines

**** The Tale of Sir Launcelot: SWAMP PYTHON **** **** From "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" **** **** Laboriously plagiarized by Bret "zzzz...." Shefter **** **** ( SHEBREB@YALEVM.BITNET ) on the tenth day of April in the year of **** **** our Bret 1986 **** **** Laboriously corrected by Malcolm Dickinson **** **** ( CLARINET@YALEVM.BITNET ) 10/30/86 and a bit more again on 3/11/87 **** **** Transcript #12 from the Film **** **** Continued from the middle of transcript #10, NI PYTHON **** THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT As Sir Launcelot, the boldest and most expensive of the knights, lost his way in the Forest of Ewing, at nearby Swamp Castle, a celebration was underway. Setting: A small garret room in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle. The King and his son the Prince. King: (gesturing expansively out the window) One day, lad, *all* this will be yours. Son: What, the curtains? King: No, not the curtains, lad! All that you can see, stretched out over the 'ills and valleys of this land. That'll be your kindom, lad. Son: But, Mother... King: Father, lad, Father. Son: But, Father, I don't want any of that. King: Listen, lad: I built this kingdom up from nuthin'. When I started here, all of this was swamp! Other kings said it was *daft* to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em! It sank into the swamp. SO, I built a second one! That sank into the swamp. So I built a *third* one. That burned down, fell over, *then* sank into the swamp. But the fourth one......stayed up. And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the *strongest* castle in these islands. Son: But I don't want any of that! I'd rather... King: Rather what? Son: I'd rather...just...sing!...... <music up> King: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here! <music dies away> Now, listen, lad. In twenty minutes you're gettin' married to a girl whose father owns the biggest *tracts* of open land in England. Son: But I don't want land! King: Listen, Alice... Son: 'Erbert... King: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp! We need all the land we can get!! Son: But... but I don't *like* 'er! King: don't like 'er?!? What's wrong with 'er? She's... beautiful, she's... *rich*, she's got... HUGE............. tracts o' land... Son: Ah...ah know. But I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain...*special*...something... <music up> King: Cut that out!! Cut that out.... <grabs the prince> <music dies away> You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! <slaps the prince> GUARDS!!! <two guards come in> Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. <starts to go> Guard 1: <repeating> Not to leave the room, even if you come and get 'im. Guard 2: *Hic* King: Nono.... *Until* I come and get him. Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. King: <stops> Nono, no... You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave. Guard 1: And you'll come and get him. Guard 2: *Hic* King: Right. Guard 1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him, entering the room. King: Nono. *Leaving* the room. Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes. King: All right? Guard 1: 'Right. King: Right. <goes out the door> Guard 1: Oh! If if if uhhhh.... if if uhhhhh.... If if if we...... King: <coming back in> Yes, what is it? Guard 1: Oh. I-if....... Oh.... (forgetting) King: Look, it's quite simple. Guard 1: Uh..... King: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? Guard 2: *hic* Guard 1: Oh, I remember! Uhhhh, can he leave the room with us? King: No...nono, no. You just keep him in 'ere, and make sure... Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he *had* to leave, and we *were* with him... King: nononono just KEEP HIM IN HERE Guard 1: ...Until you or anyone else... King: No, not anyone else, just me... Guard 1: ...Just you... Guard 2: *hic* King: Get back. Guard 1: Get back. King: All right? Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. Guard 2: *hic* King: <pause> And, uh... make sure 'e doesn't leave. Guard 1: What? King: <pause> Make sure 'e doesn't leave! Guard 1: The prince?????? King: Yes, MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE... Guard 2: *hic* Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course!! I thought you meant him! <motions towards the second guard> You know, it seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when 'e's a guard... King: <pause> Is that clear? Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems! Guard 2: *hic* King: Right. <starts to leave. The guards follow him> Where are *you* going? Guard 1: We're coming with you! King: Nono, I want you to *stay* here and MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE! Guard 1: Oh, I see, right! Son: <plaintively> but father... King: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on. <leaves> <music up> <king re-enters> AND NO SINGING! Guard 2: *hic* King: Oh, go and get a glass of water. (leaves) The Prince looks at the guards. They look at him. He smiles. They smile back. He gets a pen a paper out. He smiles at them. They smile back. He scribbles something on it very fast, not looking at it. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. The Prince gets a bow and arrow from the wall. He sticks the note on the arrow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He side-steps to the window. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He shoots the arrow with the note out the window. He puts down the bow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. Guard 2: *Hic* Meanwhile, at a nearby stream, Sir Launcelot approaches. We hear horse's hooves in the distance. Sir Launcelot appears, followed by Concorde, who is banging two coconut halves together to make the noise of a horse. They are crossing a stream by jumping between the boulders that lie in it. Launcelot: <they jump from one rock to the next> Well taken, Concorde! Concorde: Thank you, sir! Most kind! Launcelot: And again..... oooover we go. <jumps to another rock> <Concorde makes the jump behind him> Launcelot: Good.... Steady..... And now, the big one... <jumps> Come on, Concorde! <an arrow whizzes through the air and embeds itself in Concorde> Concorde: (as he falls) Message for you, sir. (he falls) Launcelot: Concorde!! Concorde, speak to me! (spies the arrow and unwraps the message) <reads> "To whoever finds this note. I have been...*imprisoned* by my father who wishes me to marry against my will, please please please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of...Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain! <starts to draw sword> Concorde: Uh... I--I'm not quite dead, sir! Launcelot: (a bit put off) Well...you shall not have been *mortally wounded* in vain! <draws sword> Concorde: I--I think I--I could pull through, sir. Launcelot: (a bit more put off) Oh, I see. Concorde: Actually, I think I'm allright to come with you, sir-- Launcelot: No no, sweet Concorde, stay here. I will send help as soon as I've accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... <pauses, trying to think of word. Gives up...> Concorde: Idiom, sir? Launcelot: Idiom! Concorde: No, I feel fine, actually-- Launcelot: Farewell, sweet Concorde!! <runs off, leaving Concorde looking after him perplexedly> Concorde: (pause) I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? ... Yeah. (drums fingers) Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle. Two guards standing here looking very bored. Off in the distance, they see Launcelot running towards them waving his sword in the air. They look at each other, then back at Launcelot. They seem confused. He does not get any closer, though he he keeps running. The guards look at each other again. One taps his forehead. They lean on their pikes and idly watch Sir Launcelot still running towards them and getting nowhere. They look at each other. Suddenly Launcelot appears right next to them and runs one of them through. He dies, considerably surprised. Launcelot runs in. Other guard: (ineffectually) Hey... Launcelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating, mincing, and otherwise generally killing the entire populace. He fights his way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered wedding guests. He reached the Tower and throws open the door. Guard 1: Hello! Now, you're not allowed to enter the roo-- Urgh. <dies, run though> Guard 2: *Hic* <also run through> Launcelot: <kneeling before the white-garbed figure in the room> O fair one, behold your humble Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take-- <sees it's a man, gets up immediately> Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Prince: <claps hands delightedly> You got my note! Launcelot: Ah, well, I--I got, uh, *a* note.... Prince: You've come to rescue me!! Launcelot: Ah, well, no, you see, um-- Prince: I *knew* some one would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be, *someone*--<music up> King: <barging in, quite upset> Stop that, Stop that, STOP IT! STOP IT!! <music out> (to Launcelot) 'Oo are you? Prince: (hurt) I'm your son! King: (to son) No, not *you*!!! Launcelot: Uh, I am Sir Launcelot, sir. Prince: (proudly) 'E's come to rescue me, Father! Launcelot: Well let's not jump to conclusions-- King: (to Launcelot) Did you kill all those guards?! Launcelot: (trying to remember) Uhhh... (suddenly) Oh yes! (highly embarrassed) Sorry.... King: They cost fifty pounds each! Launcelot: Well I'm awfully sorry... Um, I really *can* explain everything-- Prince: Don't be afraid, Sir Launcelot! I've got a rope all ready! (displays rope made of shredded bedsheets and ties one end to bedpost) King: You killed eight wedding guests in all! Launcelot: Well you see the thing is, I thought your son was a *lady*.... King: I can understand that! Prince: (climbing out window) Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry! King: SHUT UP!! (to Launcelot) You only killed the bride's father, that's all!!! Launcelot: Well, I really didn't *mean* to.... King: Didn't MEAN to?!? You put your *sword* right through 'is 'ead!!! Launcelot: Oh, dear! Is he all right? King: You even kicked the bride in chest! This is going to cost me a fortune.... Launcelot: Well I can explain; I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot when I got this note, you see-- King: (abruptly) Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? Son: (outside window) Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Launcelot: Uh...I am a knight of King Arthur, Sir. King: Very nice Castle, Camelot, uh...very good pig country! (pause) Launcelot: Is it? Prince: Hurry, I'm *ready*!!! King: Would you, uh, like to come 'n' have a drink? <goes to window, draws dagger> Launcelot: Well, that--that's awfully nice of you-- Prince: (from outside) I am ready!! Launcelot: --I mean, to be so understanding, um-- <The King cuts the blanket-rope, which slithers out the window> Prince: Ooh! Launcelot: --I'm afraid when I am in this sort of idiom, I sometimes get a bit , um, sort of carried away.... King: Oh, don't worry about that-- <they leave the room> Prince: (splat) Sir Launcelot and the king are going down the stairs. King: Now, this is the main hall. (gesturing) We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living-- One of the remaining guests looks up and, upon recognizing Launcelot as the one who caused all the damage, shouts, "There he is!" King: Oh, bloody 'ell. Launcelot draws his sword and goes beserk again, accompanied by the appropriate fighting music and action. Launcelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only kicking the bride again, and the King brings things back to order. King: Stop! Stop! Hold it, hold it, please! Launcelot: (very embarrassed) Sorry. Sorry! You see what I mean, I just get carried away, I'm really most awfully sorry. (to all) Sorry! Sorry, everyone.... Guest: 'E's killed the best man! King: Ladies and gentlemen. This is Sir Launcelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today. Guest: He killed my auntie! King: Please! This is supposed to be a...*happy* occasion! Let's not *bicker* and *argue* about 'oo killed 'oo! We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of a holy wedlock. (groans) Unfortunately, one of them, my son 'Erbert has just fallen to 'is death. (gasps) But, I like to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a daughter. (weak applause) For, since the tragic death of her father... Voice: He's not quite dead.... King: (thrown) Since the near-fatal *wounding* of 'er father.... Voice: 'E's getting better! King: <whispers to a guard, who circles towards the back of the room, where the father lies> For, since her own father, who, when 'e seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... (thump) Voice: He's died!! King: I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own Dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense. (more weak applause) And I feel sure that the merger--er, the *union*,--between the princess and the brave but *dangerous* Sir Launcelot of Camelot-- Launcelot: <taken aback> What? Someone: Look! The Dead Prince! (general reaction) Concorde: <entering with the Prince in his arms> He's not *quite* dead! Prince: No, I feel much better! King: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!!! Prince: No, I was saved at the last minute. King: 'Ow? Prince: Well, I'll tell you: <music starts> King: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it! STOP!<but it is too late> Guests: He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! Concorde: <suddenly appearing out of the crowd> Quickly, sir, come this way! Launcelot: No, no! It doesn't fit my idiom! I must escape more........ (sigh) Concorde: Dramatically, sir? Launcelot: Dramatically! <grabs bell pull> Runs up stairs. Jumps in the air. Swings down towards the window. Falls about twelve feet short, having not given himself a very good start. Swings back and forth for a short time.> 'Scuse me, could, uh, could someone give me a push, please? **** Continued in the middle of NI PYTHON, transcript #11 from the film **** **** End of file SWAMP PYTHON, transcript #12 from the film ****