Hacker Chronicles 2

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Text File | 1993-08-24 | 65KB | 838 lines

┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │ │ █ ROTFL Digest! Volume 1, Issue 2 September, 1993 █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Published by Access Media Systems █ │ │ █ Voice/Fax: (416)847-7362 Data: (416)825-8653 █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes █ │ │░░░░░█ Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel █░░░░░│ │ █ █ │ │ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Contents: █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Editorial █ │ │ █ True Silly Stories From Around The World █ │ │ █ The Figmentary News █ │ │ █ You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When... █ │ │ █ SPUDS - The Parody Of Studs █ │ │ █ Glass Eye Story █ │ │ █ Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! █ │ │ █ Flame Of The Month █ │ │ █ Great Collection Of Top Ten Lists █ │ │ █ █ │ │ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │ │ │ │ Editorial │ │ --------- │ │ │ │ Welcome to the second issue of Rolling On The Floor Laughing │ │ Digest! Why did we choose the name ROTFL Digest, you ask? │ │ Well, TIME and LIFE were already taken. │ │ │ │ All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original │ │ material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will │ │ be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. │ │ │ │░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░│ │ │ │ ┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ │ │ ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it │ │ │ │ remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may │ │ │ │ be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (416)825-8653 as an ascii │ │ │ │ [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314. │ │ │ │ ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes │ │ │ │ without the express written consent of the publishers. │ │ │ └───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ True Silly Stories From Around The World: │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ Bordeaux, France - Jean Leclerc had been jilted by his │ │ girlfriend and decided that life wasn't worth living. He │ │ turned on the gas in his apartment to end it all, then │ │ changed his mind and turned off the gas. Relaxing from his │ │ close call, he sat back and lit a cigarette. BOOM! The │ │ apartment was destroyed and Leclerc is recovering from │ │ severe burns. │ │ │ │ Paris, France - Rich French women with nothing better to do │ │ believe they have come up with a way to keep their youthful │ │ complexions: by taking hour-long baths in tubs full of │ │ yogurt. We at ROTFL Digest don't know how they look, but │ │ we're willing to bet that they don't smell so good. │ │ │ │ Agnone, Italy - Santino Luzaro's worst nightmare came true │ │ when he was struck by lightning while sitting in a dentist's │ │ chair. The 23-year old salesman survived the freak lightning │ │ strike but was bounced out of the chair and lay unconscious │ │ for almost 10 minutes, said Dr. Salvatore Ericato. Perhaps a │ │ little Divine intervention to indicate the necessity of │ │ scheduling regular dental checkups? Hmmmmm! │ │ │ │ Nice, France - 22-year old Jacquelyn LaBow was thrown in jail │ │ for six days for riding naked on an elephant beside a busy │ │ highway during rush hour. │ │ │ │ Sunderland, England - A 53-year old was rushed to hospital │ │ with breathing problems when he mistook a bottle of glue for │ │ nasal spray, and sealed his nose shut. Don't they have │ │ product labels over there??? │ │ │ │ Miserton, England - 37-year old Alison Hewson shot her │ │ husband in the head with a pellet gun because he hadn't │ │ brought in the wash from the clothesline. He was treated │ │ at a hospital and released. Mrs. Hewson received two years │ │ probation after admitting to the shooting. We wonder what the │ │ penalty is in England for forgetting to make the bed. │ │ │ │ Livonia, Michigan - Enterprising Dr. M. George found a fast │ │ way for flu patients to get their shots. He set up a │ │ drive-thru window. Patients pull up, stick their arms out the │ │ car windows, get the shots, then pay $20.00. They are asked │ │ to hang around for 10 minutes to make sure they don't have a │ │ reaction to the vaccine. ROTFL Digest simply can't wait for │ │ brain surgeons to take up this practice ("We'll take the │ │ double prefrontal lobotomy with a side order of fries...") │ │ │ │ Idaho Falls, Idaho - 8-year old Richard Knecht set an amazing │ │ record by doing 25,222 straight sit-ups in 11 hours, 14 │ │ minutes. We wonder how much garbage he could take out in that │ │ same amount of time. │ │ │ │ Japan - Pampered pets around the world can now have their │ │ fortune told by their very own professional psychic. Owners │ │ send photos of their pets to the psychic, along with the │ │ animal's birth date, blood type, and $43.00 in cash. In │ │ return they get a taped message foretelling the pet's future. │ │ │ │ Lyons, France - Two bungling burglars blasted open a bank's │ │ cash dispensing machine with explosives and accidentally │ │ burned up all the money they'd intended to steal. An │ │ estimated $64,000.00 was reduced to ashes in seconds. │ │ │ │ Afula, Israel - Yosef Levin was charged with stealing the │ │ wallets of at least six guests at his daughter Octavia's │ │ wedding. To make matters worse, he was arrested by the father │ │ of the groom, police chief Gershom Sliverton. │ │ │ │ Morocco - Police commissioner Mohamed Mustapha Tabet │ │ was executed by firing squad for forcing women to │ │ take part in orgies. He told the court he'd had sex │ │ with 1,600 women in three years. ROTFL Digest wants │ │ to know if anyone ever saw him IN his uniform. │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ 50 cents - The Figmentary News - September, 1993 │ │ │ │ Published at random intervals vaguely related to the moon's cycles │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ ├───────────────────────────────────┐ ┌────────────────────────────────────┤ │ WOMAN SWALLOWS CLOCK AND DEVELOPS │ │ DYSLEXIC CHRISTIAN SELLS SOUL │ │ A NERVOUS TICK │ │ TO SANTA │ │ │ │ │ │ Hilda Vlebenstein became alarmed │ │ Bob Fogie decided to cash in on a │ │ last Friday evening when she │ │ multitude of earthly rewards by │ │ accidentally swallowed a clock │ │ selling his soul to Satan, but Bob │ │ and developed a nervous tick. │ │ ended up selling his soul to Santa │ │ Doctors were unable to remove the │ │ by mistake. Bob had no comments for│ │ clock but did manage to disable │ │ reporters but Santa is on record as│ │ the alarm bell, allowing Mrs. │ │ saying, "If he's a good boy, I'm │ │ Vlebenstein's husband to finally │ │ sure he'll get a present at │ │ get some sleep. Mrs. Vlebenstein │ │ Christmas. Ho ho ho!" │ │ announced that she intends to │ └────────────────────────────────────┤ │ re-make the hit Rolling Stones │ ┌────────────────────────────────────┤ │ song "Time Is On My Side" as │ │ @ \ │ │ "Time Is On My Insides." │ │ \\ \ │ │ ├───────────────────────────────────┘ │ / \ / \ │ │ ├───────────────────────────────────┐ │ / \ / │ │ EVEREADY BUNNY ARRESTED - │ │ @@@@@@@@@ ( \ / │ │ CHARGED WITH BATTERY │ │ @ o o @ \ \ / │ │ │ │ @ w @ / \ \/ │ │ Saturday night the local police │ │ @@@@@ / / │ │ broke up a fight and were amazed │ │ @@@@@ / / │ │ to discover that the perpetrator │ └────────────────────────────────────┤ │ is the nationally famous │ Santa holds up document proving that │ │ Energizer Bunny. "He won't get │ he is now the legal owner of Bob │ │ any celebrity treatment from │ Fogie's soul. Fogie has no comment. │ │ us," claimed Sergeant Bullwinkle │ ┌───────────────────────────────────┐│ │ Moose. "He's not going to hop out │ │ WEATHER: ││ │ of town on these charges!" The │ │ Today: The sun ││ │ defense lawyer, Bugs J. Bunny, │ │ Tonight: The moon ││ │ claimed that the charges are │ │ Where will it all end??? ││ │ invalid. "You can't keep a guy │ └───────────────────────────────────┘│ │ like this locked up in the hole! │ ┌───────────────────────────────────┐│ │ What a buncha maroons!" │ │ Advertisement ││ ├───────────────────────────────────┘ │ ││ ├───────────────────────────────────┐ │ McMUNCHIE'S LUNCHEON SPECIALS! ││ │ DYSLEXIC CHRISTIAN FINDS DOG │ │ ││ │ │ │ Roast Beef - $5.25 ││ │ Bob Fogie realized that he │ │ Chicken - $4.50 ││ │ shouldn't have tried to sell his │ │ Children - Free! ││ │ soul to Satan and looked to God │ │ ││ │ for answers. Too late he realized │ └───────────────────────────────────┘│ │ that he was reading the name │ ┌───────────────────────────────────┐│ │ backwards.Bob has been worshipping│ │ 300,000 KM/SEC: IT'S NOT JUST A ││ │ a stray poodle for the last six │ │ GOOD IDEA - IT'S THE LAW! ││ │ weeks. Bob's only comment was: │ │ ││ │ "I wondered why He barked orders │ │ Details on page A-7. ││ │ at me all the time!" │ └───────────────────────────────────┘│ ├───────────────────────────────────┘ │ │ │ │ ╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗ │ │ ║ You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When... ║ │ │ ╠═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╣ │ │ ║ You wake up and brush your hair and comb your teeth. ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ A cop stops you for speeding and when he asks if you ║ │ │ ║ knew how fast you were going, you reply, "I wasn't ║ │ │ ║ even using the warp engines!" ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ The lunch you buy in the school cafeteria slowly ║ │ │ ║ slithers off the plate. ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ You find out that the can of beans you opened for ║ │ │ ║ supper has been recalled because it's contaminated. ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ People accuse you of having PMS - and you're a guy. ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ The only copy of a book you've been working on with ║ │ │ ║ your wordprocessor is accidentally erased by your ║ │ │ ║ 5-year old while he's trying to load "Revenge Of The ║ │ │ ║ Space Mutant Brain-Sucking Android Spuds From Mars." ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ Your boss tells you that there's no need to take off ║ │ │ ║ your coat. ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ Your mother schedules you for a guest appearance on ║ │ │ ║ Geraldo. ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ A psychic refuses to give you a reading, telling you ║ │ │ ║ to leave quickly because she doesn't want to have ║ │ │ ║ your bad karma affect her. ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ Your dentist looks into your mouth and exclaims with ║ │ │ ║ glee, "I'm finally going to be able to buy that new ║ │ │ ║ yacht!" ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ Your contact lens floats so far back under your eyelid ║ │ │ ║ it will require major brain surgery to remove it. ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ║ Someone suggests that surely there's a ledge you should ║ │ │ ║ be throwing yourself off. ║ │ │ ║ ║ │ │ ╚═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝ │ │ │ │ SPUDS - The Parody Of STUDS By Sandy Illes │ │ │ │ There's a hot new show on FOX these days that brings the dehumanizing │ │ glamour of the desperate singles scene into the living room of your │ │ own home! Two guys get to go out on blind dates with three girls, then │ │ they all appear on the show and make fools of themselves for our │ │ viewing pleasure! Even though the guys think they're STUDS, we all │ │ know that they're really vegetables, which is why this parody is │ │ called SPUDS! │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo: Hi, I'm Mark De Carlo and these three hot looking babes │ │ have gone out on blind dates with two studs to see if they could find │ │ some schmeckin! │ │ │ │ (He goes and sits down, facing the girls) │ │ │ │ (The girls may have been in a makeup factory when it exploded. They're │ │ wearing clothes so painfully tight that it's obvious the circulation to │ │ their brains has been cut off. Girl #1 is a bleached blonde whose │ │ crimped hair stands out at a 45 degree angle from her face. It helps to │ │ hide the fact that her teeth stick out at a 45 degree angle to her mouth.│ │ Girl #2 is a brunette with long, flowing hair. If it wasn't for the │ │ mustache, she might not even need to wear a paper bag over her head in │ │ public. She is wearing cowboy boots that will have to be surgically │ │ removed after the show. Girl #3 is another bleached blonde. She has │ │ enormous breasts which threaten to pop out of her dress, which hasn't │ │ fit her since she was 12 years old.) │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo to girl #1: What are you looking for in a guy? │ │ │ │ Girl #1: I'm looking for a guy who knows what he wants. He must be │ │ intelligent, fun, and very romantic. │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo: That's nice. (To Girl #2) What are you looking for │ │ in a guy? │ │ │ │ Girl #2: He must be intelligent and know what he wants. And he has │ │ to have a cute butt. (giggles wildly) │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo: That's nice. (To Girl #3) What are you looking for │ │ in a guy? │ │ │ │ Girl #3: Someone with a good job and a great butt! (giggles wildly) │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo: (to the audience) And here are the two studs who │ │ went out on dates with these wild women! Jason is an axe-murderer │ │ who likes to dig up coffins, and Oswald is an escaped lunatic who │ │ believes he's Napoleon. │ │ │ │ (Audience claps and cheers) │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo: (turns to Jason) So how'd you get into axe-murdering? │ │ │ │ Jason: (shrugs nonchalently) I didn't even know I had a talent for │ │ it until my first axe murder. I've been at the top of my profession │ │ ever since. │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo: And what do you look for in a date? │ │ │ │ Jason: She has to have enormous breasts and a willingness to be │ │ killed for my pleasure. │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo: That's nice. (Turns to Oswald) And what do you look │ │ for in a date? │ │ │ │ Oswald: She must have huge hooters and a willingness to be killed. │ │ │ │ (Audience cheers) │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo: (Turns to Jason) So do you make a good impression on │ │ the phone? │ │ │ │ Jason: Sure! I try to talk about things I know a lot about. │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo: Well, we asked the girls what they thought about you │ │ after they spoke to you on the phone and this is what they said: │ │ Axe a silly question and get a silly answer! │ │ I thought he would be glad to see me, but it was just an axe in │ │ his pocket! │ │ His dreamy axe sent spasms of pleasure through my body! │ │ (Audience ooooooooooh's excitedly) If you can tell me which girl │ │ said what, I'll give you a heart. │ │ │ │ Jason: It doesn't matter. I'll have all their hearts... │ │ and yours too! (Pulls out a huge axe and begins attacking │ │ everyone onstage) │ │ │ │ Mark De Carlo (frantically): That's it for this edition of │ │ SPUDS! (whispering loudly) Call 911. Call 911! Helllllp! │ │ │ │ Off Camera Voice: Yo! Promotional considerations have been │ │ provided by.... ARGGGGGGH! │ │ │ │ (Audience claps wildly since everyone hates the "Yo! Girl.") │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ │ │ From: RICHARD PLATEL │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ I once knew this guy with TWO glass eyes, and he used │ │ │ │ to go up to people he didn't know so well and pop one │ │ │ │ out and say, "Hey, look at my glass eye," then fake a │ │ │ │ sneeze to make the other one fall out then look back │ │ │ │ and forth between the two and say, "Damn, I took out │ │ │ │ the wrong one!" │ │ │ └─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │One day on Oprah, the title is "Ghosts." Oprah turns and asks │ │the audience, "Ok, how many of you believe in ghosts?" More │ │than half the audience stands up. Oprah then says,"Alright, │ │stay standing if you have personally seen a ghost." Only a │ │handful remain standing. Finally, she asks, "Have any of you │ │had sex with a ghost?" This time only one man remains standing. │ │Oprah hurriedly runs up to him and ask him where he is from. │ │The young man responds, "Ah'm frum Texas." Oprah sickly looks │ │at the man and says, "Now sir, you want me to believe that you │ │have actually had sex with a ghost?!?" The man looks surprised │ │and replies, "Ghosts!?!...I thought you said 'G-O-A-T-S'!" │ │------------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │What do Billy Graham and The Houston Oilers have in common? They can both │ │fill up the Astrodome, and in 15 minutes have the crowd yelling "Jesus │ │Christ!" │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------------│ │ │ │Two cowboys rode into town and dismounted. One of them walked around │ │behind his horse, lifted his tail and kissed it's butt. The other cowboy │ │asked, "What did you do that for?" │ │ │ │The first cowboy replied, "I got chapped lips." │ │ │ │"Does that help?" │ │ │ │"No, but it sure keeps me from licking my lips again!" │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------------│ │ │ │Boy: Mommy, Mommy! I HATE daddy's guts! │ │Mom: Shut up and keep EATING! │ │ │ │Boy: Mommy, Mommy! I've got ENOUGH goldfish! │ │Mom: Shut up and open your MOUTH! │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------------│ │ │ │Q: Whats the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? │ │1: A terrorist will release hostages once his needs are met. │ │2: You can negotiate with a terrorist. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------------│ │ │ │A grasshopper goes into a bar. As he jumps up on the bartop, │ │the bartender remarks, "Hey, we've got a drink here named after │ │you!" The grasshopper, puzzled, replies, "You've got a drink │ │here named Dave?" │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------------│ │ │ │What do you call a guy in your mail box? │ │Bill. │ │ │ │What do you call a man in a lion's den? │ │Claude. │ │ │ │What do you call someone under your bed? │ │Dusty. │ │ │ │What do you call a female lawyer? │ │Sue. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------------│ │ │ │ If Jesus were Polish, what would be his first miracle? │ │ He would make a blind man deaf. │ │ │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------------│ │ │ │Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire? │ │Shut up kid, and drink your soup before it clots. │ │ │ │Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf? │ │Shut up kid, and comb your face. │ │ │ │Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make pizza? │ │Shut up kid, and get back in the oven. │ │ │ │Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Europe! │ │Shut up kid, and keep rowing. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------------│ │ │ │ What do a redneck and a tornado have in common???? │ │ Given enough time, they will both find a trailer park. │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ Flame Of The Month: │ │ │ │ You are truly pathetic. Not to be confused with imitation │ │ pathetic or facsimile pathetic. Have you not considered │ │ that brain surgery would be a minor operation for you? │ │ Your unimportance is matched only by your insignificance. │ │ Since you already have an electric typewriter, I'd like │ │ to suggest that you find a matching chair. │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ Some Great Top Ten Lists Collected In The City2City Top │ │ Ten Conference! (Reposted With Permission) If Your │ │ Favorite BBS Doesn't Carry The C2C Top Ten Conference, │ │ Whine At Your Sysop Until He Gets It For You! │ │ │ │ From: KENNETH NEWMAN │ │ │ │ TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THINGS YOU MUST HAVE WITHOUT │ │ FAIL IN ORDER TO TRANSFORM A MERE GATHERING OF ALCOHOLICS │ │ INTO SOMETHING RESEMBLING A PARTY │ │ │ │ 10. Lime jello in prodigious quantities. │ │ 9. Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life": Enough copies so │ │ that everybody gets at least one. │ │ 8. Kenneth Newman and a limitless supply of 21 year old │ │ single malt whisky for him. │ │ 7. A Twister game. │ │ 6. A special Twister game for when Kenneth Newman plays │ │ that only has one colour. │ │ 5. A jar of Malaysian Bucktoothed Earwigs. Don't ask. │ │ 4. A Mister Microphone. │ │ 3. A karaoke machine. │ │ 2. A pump-action 12 gauge shotgun capable of firing at │ │ least 8 rounds without reloading for items 9 and 3 above. │ │ 1. Some bitchin' tunes (make it ska and dancehall and │ │ maybe some skate/punk/thrash/death unless you want to │ │ have an exciting conversation with #8 and #2 above), some │ │ outrageous dudes and babes, clean washrooms, and a person │ │ with a pasty white complexion dressed all in black with a │ │ nose ring who thinks it's politically irresponsible to be │ │ enjoying yourselves so much while there is all this │ │ suffering going on in the world so you can have someone │ │ to laugh at on those rare occasions when Kenneth Newman │ │ manages to talk the lady of his choice into filling the │ │ bathtub in one of the clean washrooms with lime jello and │ │ playing Twister (should take about 22 1/2 minutes at a │ │ rough guess). │ │ │ │ From: JAMES ASHFORD │ │ │ │ TOP TEN COUNTRY\COWBOY BOOZE TUNES: │ │ │ │ 10. I love her more than triple mash │ │ 9. Our love went flatter than 3 day old beer │ │ 8. First she stole my heart, then the keys to my │ │ liquor cabinet │ │ 7. She don't understand me or my 24 little friends │ │ 6. Jack Daniels creates the lovin' in our marriage │ │ 5. She got those purty lips by drinkin' straight from │ │ the bottle │ │ 4. Two steppin' to a moonshine glow │ │ 3. Put my shotgun down, I'll stop drinkin' again │ │ tomorrow, darlin' │ │ 2. 80 proof ain't proof enough for a man like me │ │ 1. She loves the way my neck goes red from drinkin' │ │ │ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten More Country Drinkin' Songs: │ │ │ │ 10. I Drank So Much Whiskey That I Didn't Feel The │ │ Pain When My Dog Bit Me. │ │ 9. The Lynchin's Over But I've Still Got Rope Burns │ │ On My Hands. │ │ 8. Put Your Sweet Lips A Little Closer To My Nose. │ │ 7. Love Is Like A Chicken Fry. │ │ 6. All I've Got Is This Pickup, A Bottle Of Whiskey, │ │ And The Ten Million Dollars My Daddy Done Left Me. │ │ 5. My Achey Breaky Car. │ │ 4. I'd Start Cryin' Again If I Could Just Stop Now. │ │ 3. There's Another Man's Hair In My Razor. │ │ 2. She's A Tramp, But She's Got Too Much Money For Me │ │ To Leave Her. │ │ 1. I'm P-A-R-O-L-E-D As Of Today. │ │ │ │ From: JAN PERKINS │ │ │ │ TOP TEN ANTI-MIME WEAPONS │ │ │ │10. A 203 grenade launcher with the special "party pack" of │ │ explosives, fleshettes, incendiary, tear gas, and special │ │ neutron bomb combo. │ │ 9. A steam roller. │ │ 8. Old Arnie the terminator before he learned that knee-capping │ │ was better than out and out destruction. │ │ 7. Two tons of water dropped from a forest-fire fighting water │ │ bomber that has been flying at a high enough altitude to │ │ freeze the water solid. │ │ 6. Another mime - fired from a circa 1812 cannon. │ │ 5. Guido, the uncle from the good and bad dating list, with a │ │ few of his friends in the cement business. │ │ 4. Some really good thrash metal and the mosh pit that goes │ │ with it. │ │ 3. A very friendly large dog who just *loves* the taste of │ │ whiteface make-up. │ │ 2. A pit bull with an attitude combined with the "meat dress" │ │ of a not too long ago art show. │ │ 1. Anything blunt and heavy. │ │ │ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten Nose Squirtables: │ │ │ │ 10. Yogurt - tastes the same coming out as it does going in. │ │ 9. Orange juice with lots of seeds in it - "Look at what │ │ came out of my nose Ma! Is it part of my brain? Is it? │ │ Huh? Is it?" │ │ 8. Campbell's Chunky Soup - no explanation required. │ │ 7. Boiled cabbage - works great to disgust queasy friends │ │ and relatives. │ │ 6. Lime Jello - a Kenneth Newman favorite. "Oh look! My │ │ bile juices are overflowing!" │ │ 5. Raspberry Jello - a Jan Perkins favorite. "Hey, I'm │ │ bleeding!" (Heh!) │ │ 4. Coca Cola - "I'm a robot and my hydraulic fluid is │ │ leaking out!" │ │ 3. 7 UP - "Hey look! My nose is raining!" │ │ 2. Potato chips - "The pain, the pain!" │ │ 1. A 16.8 D/S - The only thing we'd all like to have squirt │ │ out of our noses. │ │ │ │ From: KENNETH NEWMAN │ │ │ │ TOP TEN BOOK PROPOSALS FROM KENNETH NEWMAN CURRENTLY │ │ BEING OR SOON TO BE REJECTED BY MAJOR NEW YORK PUBLISHERS │ │ WHO THINK THAT THEY'RE SITTING ON A HOLE IN THE GROUND │ │ AND THAT SHINOLA WOULD MAKE A GREAT SANDWICH SPREAD IF IT │ │ DIDN'T MAKE YOUR BREATH SMELL SO BAD │ │ │ │ 10. DOS For Pathetic Morons Who Smell Bad - An OS primer │ │ for people who find the DOS For Dummies books too │ │ intimidating and also have some personal problems. │ │ 9. Me `n' Cyb: The Early Years - a one-step ahead of the │ │ lawyers funfilled romp with Kenneth Newman and Cybil │ │ Shepherd from her first beginnings on the jello farms of │ │ Brazil to the time he lost her to Peter Bogdonavich in a │ │ poker game. │ │ 8. Fetid Fangs of Fascism - A history of dental hygiene │ │ in Germany from 1933 to 1945. │ │ 7. Trains, War Weapons, The Big Band Sound and Marilyn │ │ Monroe - A 40 pound book measuring 2'6'' x 3', for middle │ │ aged men with lots of money and leisure and very little │ │ libido left. │ │ 6. Job Interview with a Vampire - A novel in which Vlad │ │ the Impaler tries to convince the Ontario Human Rights │ │ Commission that the uncontrollable desire for fresh │ │ virgin's blood *is* a disability. │ │ 5. Stupid Cray Tricks - How to optimise the memory │ │ configuration on your campus's supercomputer so that it │ │ can open Windows 3.1 in less that 45 seconds. │ │ 4. Men Who Are Swine And the Women Who Are Married to │ │ Them or Want to Be And Spend All Their Time Reading Pop │ │ Psychology Books About Why Sometimes it Seems Like The │ │ Best Thing You Could Do With Men is Take Them Out and │ │ Shoot The Whole Lot of Them - by Cybil Newman, PhD. │ │ 3. Newman's Baedeker '94 - Let's Go Etobicoke! │ │ 2. The Kama Suture - Intimate ties that can bind you to │ │ the one you love! Lavishly illustrated with gratuitous │ │ photos of obvious models in awkward stages of undress │ │ revealing improbable tan lines. │ │ 1. David Letterman's Book of Top Ten Lists that David │ │ Letterman Never Wrote, David Letterman Never Read and │ │ David Letterman Never Had Anything to Do With Other Than │ │ Creaming 40% Off The Top of Gross Royalties!!! │ │ │ │ Reject All Ten Now and Receive this Special Bonus Book │ │ Proposal: The Peckerhead Principle - in which noted │ │ business author, seminar giver and all around schmoozer, │ │ Kenneth Newman forcefully argues his bold new theory that │ │ 99% of North America's economic problems stem from the │ │ fact that 99% of the people in charge are a bunch of │ │ numb-nutz with cottage cheese instead of brains. │ │ │ │ Do Nothing! The book proposals will be automatically sent │ │ to your home or business for approval. No health │ │ questions will be asked. No salesman will come to your │ │ house. Remember, you are under no obligation at all, │ │ unless you want Kenneth Newman to starve to death on the │ │ street like a rat. │ │ │ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten More Beers Coming Soon To A Brewery Near You: │ │ │ │ 10. Molson Exlax Beer. Drink it regularly to be regular. │ │ 9. Labatt Blue Suede Shoes Beer. Features a picture of Elvis. │ │ 8. Labatt So-Dry-You-Have-To-Add-Water. Dehydrated beer. │ │ 7. Schlitz-On-A-Stick. No description necessary. │ │ 6. Bud Lite-and-Fluffy. It's moist, it's wet, it's done when │ │ you can stick a toothpick in the middle of it. │ │ 5. Molson Canadian Eh? The can talks, but all it says is "Eh?" │ │ 4. Labatt Dry Ice Beer. Makes your tongue smoke. │ │ 3. Labatt Genuine Draft Cold-Filtered Almost-Pure-Enough- │ │ To-Drink Beer. │ │ 2. Carlsberg International Beer. Tastes like it could have │ │ come from any country except your own. │ │ 1. Heinie-kin Bud Lite. Yes, it's the Bundy's own beer, │ │ freshly brewed by Bud while looking at girl's heinies. │ │ │ │ From: KENNETH NEWMAN │ │ │ │ TOP TEN THINGS YOU COULD PROBABLY SAY TO THE JUDGE IN │ │ COURT TO GET YOU OFF AFTER YOU'VE BEEN ARRESTED STANDING │ │ OVER THE FRESH WARM CORPSE OF YOUR HUSBAND WHILE HOLDING A │ │ SMOKING GUN IN ONE HAND AND A GLASS OF CHILLED 1971 DOM │ │ PERIGNON CHAMPAGNE IN THE OTHER │ │ │ │ 10. I had PMS. │ │ 9. In US: He was a communist. │ │ 8. In Ontario: He wasn't a communist. │ │ 7. I just didn't feel good and he made a crack about │ │ cellulite. │ │ 6. Ramtha told me to. │ │ 5. He secretly lusts after "Blossom" star Mayam Bialik. │ │ 4. He denigrated my macrame. │ │ 3. He ate a plate of cabbage rolls, baked beans and │ │ pickled eggs washed down with draft beer and I felt my │ │ life was in danger. │ │ 2. He had an affair with Barbara McDougal. │ │ 1. He smokes cigars. │ │ │ │ From: JAN PERKINS │ │ │ │ Top Ten Airport Hazards for Innocent Travellers │ │ │ │ 10. They are always renovating the airport "to serve you │ │ better", but you never seem to hit one that's been done. │ │ 9. There are no porters and the only available carts are miles │ │ from where you need them, plus require some obscure │ │ combination of foreign bills and change to release them. │ │ 8. Somebody will always hit on you, show you gruesome pictures │ │ and ask for donations for the suffering children of country │ │ X. When you say you will gladly specify on your next │ │ donation to Red Cross that it go for relief in country X │ │ they spit in your eye. │ │ 7. When travelling through a tight security, jittery, prone to │ │ thievery airport (say Heathrow during an IRA christmas │ │ campaign), your co-traveller promises to stay by the luggage │ │ while you make a pit stop. You return to find she has │ │ drifted off to look at some enchanting bit of duty free and │ │ what little luggage that is left is being sniffed by big │ │ dogs accompanied by men in berets. │ │ 6. When you lose your notebook power supply on a trip, the same │ │ person runs the battery down to where it won't boot. You are │ │ the person carrying the computer through security at another │ │ fun airport (say Frankfurt) when you and Hans (who looks and │ │ acts like he could have nabbed the lead baddie part in any │ │ of the Allied WWII propaganda films) discover this. │ │ 5. Airport food. │ │ 4. Airport food prices. │ │ 3. A person ahead of you in the security line-up does a great │ │ machine gun impersonation. You think it's hysterical until │ │ he acts shocked and fingers you as the culprit. │ │ 2. The sinking feeling as your baggage vanishes down the │ │ conveyor belt for connecting flights just as you hear │ │ somebody say that she's lost hers that way the last three │ │ times she's travelled. │ │ 1. Canadian customs. No I don't mean quaint folk traditions, or │ │ on second thought maybe I do. You know where you are dumped │ │ in a huge line in a huge hall of many, many unoccupied │ │ places for customs agents and two occupied. And no you don't │ │ get the guy with the cute tush who would probably blush when │ │ he opens your suitcase, you get the customs agent from hell. │ │ │ │ "No of course there's no line for streamlining entry of │ │ landed immigrants and citizens - whaddya think being a │ │ citizen gives you any right to anything? Hah think again - │ │ you don't even have a right to a passport, you can't renew │ │ yours if you have one, you have to re-apply each time and get │ │ some person known for high ethical standards like a lawyer, │ │ doctor or chiropractor vouch for you, and if they haven't │ │ known you long enough you're outta luck (unless you bribe │ │ the lawyer). And then we'll only give you one if we feel │ │ like it that day . And now what's this - you have an unused │ │ vitamin pill caught up in a used snot rag in your pocket. │ │ Well we're getting you on undeclared drugs on this one, and │ │ let me tell you we're analysing the stuff on that snot rag │ │ and if we find it isn't yours then we get you on the │ │ biological weapon importation. Now you just make yourself │ │ comfortable for the three days the analysis will take and no │ │ you can't go to the can. And how do I, a wimp of a customs │ │ agent with jello where my spine should be and spam for │ │ brains know you'll just shut up and take it - hah your │ │ passport's proof enough!" │ │ │ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten Conclusions I Reached While Watching Talk Shows: │ │ │ │ 10. Phil graduated with honors from the University Of Ego, │ │ having majored in Obnoxiousness. │ │ 9. Oprah likes to see people cry. │ │ 8. Geraldo will say anything to make people cry. │ │ 7. Phil tries to be politically correct, but is very │ │ intolerant of those who disagree with his views. │ │ 6. Oprah really needs to get back on that diet. │ │ 5. Geraldo can make a love of chocolate chip cookies into a │ │ sensationalistic lustful debasement. │ │ 4. Phil loves to make accusatory comments to his guests │ │ and audience. │ │ 3. Oprah wishes she was a psychiatrist. │ │ 2. Geraldo leaves no scum unturned in finding guests for │ │ his show. │ │ 1. These talk shows are a symptom of the pathetic lives │ │ of the viewers. │ │ │ │ From: KENNETH NEWMAN │ │ │ │ TOP TEN PHENOMENALLY, UNBELIEVABLY STUPID THINGS YOU CAN │ │ FIND IN A TWENTY YEAR OLD ISSUE OF PENTHOUSE │ │ │ │ 10. Interviews with deranged South American film │ │ directors. │ │ 9. Fuzzy pictures (gauze? vaseline on the lens? bad light │ │ meter?) of women with long straight hair parted in the │ │ middle who like to sit around in sheer coloured stockings │ │ staring off into space with a dazed look in their eyes as │ │ if someone just whacked 'em in the head with a great big │ │ two-by-four. │ │ 8. "Quotations" in the margins next to the pictures, │ │ laced with brilliant and sensitive commentary. Sample: │ │ "I'm a woman [Yeah, no shoe shine, Sherlock! That much is │ │ plain to see.] and I'm a sensual being [Geez, I'm glad │ │ she told us, otherwise it looks like she's just │ │ scratching a bad bug bite] and I need activity for my │ │ body as well as my mind [...and one from each of the four │ │ food groups!]." [To which someone who was paid cash money │ │ to comment added] This feminine integrity is Paula's │ │ strongest personal quality. [Now available in a special │ │ "feminine integrity" spray or convenient roll-on │ │ applicator!] │ │ 7. Ads for Three Dog Night 8 track tapes. │ │ 6. Enema rock climbing. Nah, just kidding, but it did │ │ have phony "letters" from amputee fetishists which might │ │ count as Arm Fall Off Girl. │ │ 5. Stereo systems as big as a house, including, │ │ ironically enough, an ad for a pair of Bose speakers that │ │ I am currently using. │ │ 4. Ads for posters you can order that depict 12 different │ │ positions one can try according to the zodiac in special │ │ day-glo colours. This was not as bad as the poster of │ │ Mark Spitz. │ │ 3. An ad, with no description of the book's contents │ │ whatsoever, for a tome entitled, The Naked Chef. │ │ Obviously this was before the invention of Cuisinarts! │ │ 2. An ad for a men's cologne that comes in a "masculine │ │ shape" bottle. The copy reads: STUDD. A man's sexiest │ │ companion. The essence of maleness... [Something every │ │ owner of a tomcat probably knows a little too much about] │ │ unlike any other aroma. Underscores your pipe tobacco, │ │ brings the sophisticated primitiveness [Yes!!!!! That's │ │ what it says! "Sophisticated primitiveness"!!!! Even a │ │ Newman couldn't make that up! Not even with a jereboam or │ │ nebuchadnezzar of cheap champagne down his gullet!] of │ │ your woman surging to the fore. [As they say on the golf │ │ course, FORE! Maybe that's what they mean by foreplay?] │ │ 1. An ad for Joe Weider's weight-gaining Crash-Weight │ │ Formula #7 for which the 110 lbs "before" picture says, │ │ "Tuberculosis, emphysema, chronic bronchial asthma, │ │ collapsed lungs, cirrhosis of the liver, narcolepsy, │ │ alcoholic, drug addict, a life in and out of hospitals, │ │ psychiatric patient, three packs of cigarettes a day, no │ │ SEX desire, unloved - only dogs as companions" [This, I │ │ take it, is to provoke the intended Penthouse reader, │ │ potential client into shouting "Eureka! That's me!"] For │ │ the 175 lbs "after" picture, in which an enormous wart in │ │ the shape of an overendowed woman has mysteriously grown │ │ out of his left arm, the copy reads, "The result today is │ │ a muscular man of vitality - athletic, handsome, earning │ │ $40,000 a year, cured of the sickness that used to plague │ │ him and now - surrounded by beautiful girls!" │ │ │ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten Things Discretion Is The Better Part Of: │ │ │ │ 10. Valor. │ │ 9. Mastercard usage. │ │ 8. Gossip. │ │ 7. A husband getting fed by his wife. │ │ 6. Soup stains on your chin. │ │ 5. Jello in your pants. │ │ 4. SPAM flavored underwear. │ │ 3. Playing darts with the visually impaired. │ │ 2. Being used as a restroom by a giant doberman. │ │ 1. Standing on your head and typing backwards on your │ │ keyboard using only your tongue while wearing SPAM │ │ flavored underwear. │ │ │ │ From: SANDY ILLES │ │ │ │ Top Ten Things I Want Put On My Gravestone: │ │ │ │ 10. Keep off the grass. │ │ 9. Trespassers will be haunted. │ │ 8. What are you lookin' at? │ │ 7. What, me dead? │ │ 6. Warning: I have all the necessary qualities to be an │ │ excellent poltergeist. │ │ 5. I'm not dead - I'm just sleeping and rotting at the │ │ same time. │ │ 4. Six feet under and proud of it! │ │ 3. Is that your nose or are you eating a banana? │ │ 2. R.I.P. graphics now available! │ │ 1. Carrier dropped for the rest of eternity. │ │ │ └──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘