Mr. Monologue by Jim Rosenberg

Mr. Monologue
by Jim Rosenberg
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Setups ripped from today's headlines!

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Punchlines jabbed from Mr. Monologue's mind!

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Mr. Monologue: Thursday, June 8
School's Out For Summer! Laugh! Rimshot! Archives!

The widow of the fishing boat captain who died in the storm depicted in the best-selling book and the film, "The Perfect Storm," says she's tired of watching her husband die on TV ads for the movie.
Hey, you think you're tired of watching your husband die on TV, why do you think Bryan't Gumbel's wife left him?

F. Lee Bailey told a Florida court that O.J. Simpson had trouble passing a lie detector test.
I've got a foolproof lie detector test: if you need to get F. Lee Bailey for your lawyer, you're a damn liar.

John Rocker threatened the Sports Illustrated reporter who did the infamous story on him, and was sent down to the minor leagues.
He was assigned to the Richmond Braves, but his agent is trying to get him on the Alabama Aryans.

Deion Sanders joined the Washington Redskins Monday in a rumored 7-year, $55-million deal.
It's the first time Washington has spent $50 million to cover an attempted pass since the Starr Report.

According to a new report, alcohol-related arrests on America's college campuses rose 24.3 percent in 1998 -- the largest increase in seven years.
"Generation Wrecked."

President Clinton was quizzed by the Russian people during a phone-in portion of an interview on a Moscow radio station Sunday night.
"First-time caller, long time communist, Mr. President ..."

Mr. Monologue: Monday, June 5
False. False. Laugh! Rimshot! Archives!

Hundreds of prostitutes were comparing notes on their ancient profession at a gathering in Berlin this weekend.
"Ich Bein Ein Ho!"

Scientists said Friday that expectant mothers have a much higher risk of contracting malaria than other women because they are more attractive and vulnerable to mosquitoes.
"I just wanted to say, that you have the most bloody arms I have ever seen, baby."

Actor Patrick Swayze escaped serious injury Thursday when the small plane he was piloting crashed during an emergency landing.
He's not the first Swayze to take a licking, and keep on ticking.

Union janitors who clean more than 70 percent of the buildings in Silicon Valley and surrounding counties avoided a strike by voting Saturday to ratify a new contract.
"We are sick to death of cleaning your dot-commodes," chanted an angry mob of custodians.

"The sexuality of older women is perhaps the most neglected area of human sexuality," write Drs. Barbara Bartlik, a psychiatrist with Cornell University in New York City.
The details can be found in her new book, "Driving Miss Daisy ... Wild!"

Canada will fund clinical trials of an "invisible condom," a liquid applied to the genitals.
Even so ladies, if a Canadian asks you to apply a liquid to his genitals, ask to see some I.D. just to be on the safe side.

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Mr. Monologue: Thursday, June 8 School's Out For Summer!	Laugh! Rimshot! Archives!
The widow of the fishing boat captain who died in the storm depicted in the best-selling book and the film, "The Perfect Storm," says she's tired of watching her husband die on TV ads for the movie. Hey, you think you're tired of watching your husband die on TV, why do you think Bryan't Gumbel's wife left him?	F. Lee Bailey told a Florida court that O.J. Simpson had trouble passing a lie detector test. I've got a foolproof lie detector test: if you need to get F. Lee Bailey for your lawyer, you're a damn liar.
John Rocker threatened the Sports Illustrated reporter who did the infamous story on him, and was sent down to the minor leagues. He was assigned to the Richmond Braves, but his agent is trying to get him on the Alabama Aryans.	Deion Sanders joined the Washington Redskins Monday in a rumored 7-year, $55-million deal. It's the first time Washington has spent $50 million to cover an attempted pass since the Starr Report.
According to a new report, alcohol-related arrests on America's college campuses rose 24.3 percent in 1998 -- the largest increase in seven years. "Generation Wrecked."	President Clinton was quizzed by the Russian people during a phone-in portion of an interview on a Moscow radio station Sunday night. "First-time caller, long time communist, Mr. President ..."

Mr. Monologue: Monday, June 5 False. False.	Laugh! Rimshot! Archives!
Hundreds of prostitutes were comparing notes on their ancient profession at a gathering in Berlin this weekend. "Ich Bein Ein Ho!"	Scientists said Friday that expectant mothers have a much higher risk of contracting malaria than other women because they are more attractive and vulnerable to mosquitoes. "I just wanted to say, that you have the most bloody arms I have ever seen, baby."
Actor Patrick Swayze escaped serious injury Thursday when the small plane he was piloting crashed during an emergency landing. He's not the first Swayze to take a licking, and keep on ticking.	Union janitors who clean more than 70 percent of the buildings in Silicon Valley and surrounding counties avoided a strike by voting Saturday to ratify a new contract. "We are sick to death of cleaning your dot-commodes," chanted an angry mob of custodians.
"The sexuality of older women is perhaps the most neglected area of human sexuality," write Drs. Barbara Bartlik, a psychiatrist with Cornell University in New York City. The details can be found in her new book, "Driving Miss Daisy ... Wild!"	Canada will fund clinical trials of an "invisible condom," a liquid applied to the genitals. Even so ladies, if a Canadian asks you to apply a liquid to his genitals, ask to see some I.D. just to be on the safe side.