Alone in a wood, you stumble blindly through the bramble, grasping fruitlessly at overhanging branches, tripping over hubcaps and spare-tires left lying around by hordes of Satanic Hillbillies. The sun beats down only occasionally through the thick, black canopy of trees; the soil below smells of rotting loam, the portion of the Circle of Life you really want nothing to do with. You reach for your backpack and canteen only to realize youÆve misplaced them, probably back at the campground where you stopped to snap pictures of the thirteen year-old girls dancing in their underwear near their trailer. You are lost and thirsty, alone and afraid. Somewhere, a wolf howls mournfully through the miles of uncivilized wilderness and you shiver with fear. It doesnÆt occur to you that only scant acres of virgin forest remain intact in the United States, and that if you continue to walk in any given direction, you are sure to happen upon a logging road, built by the government at a loss for the foreign timber and mining companies it has sold the land to for mere pennies. No, indeed; you know only the fear of Primitive Man, tracing his steps, scratching his head, howling in frustrated return to the mystified wolf in the distance. All is lost. Or is it?
Primitive Man survived to become Modern Man because of various tools he needed to overcome the inconvenience of the natural world around him. One of these tools was Dowsing, now, sadly, almost forgotten. Lost, you need not panic - simply locate a Y-shaped branch of green wood and grasp it properly, then let the magnetic forces of Nature do the rest! Find a road! Locate water! Mystify friends and in-laws with your uncanny ability to dowse for pizza! It is not a hallmark of certain insanity, as some would believe, but one of the earliest scientific discoveries of Primitive Man. Like strip-mining and whaling, dowsing is a sure-fire method to prove how superior we Modern Men are to the wolves and scary trees around us. Even in an urban environment, dowsing may be employed to locate loose change or the Homeless. Some police departments (in notably smaller towns and hamlets) have even been known to use Professional Dowsers to locate missing children and pets, track down fugitives, and pinpoint local brothels (for, ahem, purely professional interests).
At Hillhouse Investigations, dowsing is employed by our Investigators, each of whom is fully accredited by the American Association of Professional Dowsers and Stuff (AAPDS), with extraordinary rates of success. In almost every situation, dowsing can be utilized for great dramatic effect, almost always sure to impress a client! We have in the past dowsed for lost cats, murder victims, pools of negative energy, Poltergeists, were-æcoons, and even just for the hell of it! Make no mistake - we at Hillhouse like to DOWSE! And we dowse often! WeÆll even dowse in the dark, or during a snowstorm. Sometimes, we even dowse in the nude!
Feeling lost? Unsure of where that proverbial next drink of water is coming from? Give Hillhouse a call, and easy dowse it!