No Fragments Archive 10: Diskmags/nf_archive_10.iso/MAGS/ARGANOID/ARG_ST2.MSA/EUROPE.DOC

Text File | 1995-02-25 | 15KB | 329 lines

                          THURSDAY 13TH OCTOBER 1994

                            THE EUROPEAN GRAND PRIX

                              (FROM JEREZ, SPAIN)

                             (WITH NIGEL MANSELL)

                           (AND MICHEAL SCHUMACHER)

                               (AND HIDEKI NODA)

                         (AND DOMENICO SCHIATTARELLA)

                       (AND JOHNNY HERBERT IN A LIGIER!)

                       (AND ERIC BERNARD IN A LOTUS...)

Once upon a time, there was a country called Argentina. It liked to host
Formula One races. One day, Argentina invaded the Falkland Islands and was
instantly vomited on, and nobody drove an F1 car there. One day, about 12 years
later, someone said: "Hey, let's go to Argentina, apparently there's lots of
girls there". So they arranged to have an Argentine Grand Prix. However, nobody
could make up their minds about which track to host it on, and when they
finally did, they found that the track was crap and needed a bit of work. So
they cancelled the race and told everyone to bugger off to somewhere else. This
happened last year, when the Pacific Grand Prix was cancelled in favour of the
European GP at Donington (England). This year we are in Jerez (pronounced
'heref'???), Spain. This track was originally host to the Spanish GP, but then
the Olympics went to Barcelona and everyone said 'Wow, what a great place,
let's have a race there'. Anyway, here we are... First, the headlines (there
are a lot of them):


      HERBERT RELEASED FROM LOTUS IN MASS DEATH SHOCK EXTRAVAGANZA ORGY!

The rain plumetted onto the dull, grey stones outside the pit. Johnny's
footsteps echoed through the paddock. As he reflected on his life, he heard the
distant sounds of Peter Collins ((Lotus boss)) saying: "No, we can't afford
helmets for the next race, Alessandro, you'll have to drive wearing your
baseball cap". Johnny thought back to his early racing days. He had destroyed
the opposition in all the previous championships - in karting, Formula x, y and
z... Then he had a massive crash in a F3000 race, almost destroying his feet.
In his first F1 race, for Benetton in 1989, he had come fourth. He was
predicted as the next British world champion - before anyone even noticed that
Nigel Mansell existed. But then he started struggling in races due to his
injuries, and was sacked from Benetton. From then on, with Lotus, he had had
little success. In 1994, he had failed to score any points. He seemed to spend
most of his time insulting the Lotus car. He was even considering retirement.
Then the new Mugen Honda V10 engine came along and helped him qualify 4th in
Italy - his previous  best was 15th in Germany. Everyone was talking about him,
how Lotus would be able to score some points again. Then he qualified 20th in
Portugal. Johnny had a contract with Lotus which meant that he wouldn't be free
until the end of 1996 - a terrible thought. Many team owners - Ron Dennis at
McLaren in particular, were desperate to get their hands on Johnny. But Lotus
said: "He's ours, hands off, we're never going to let him go, ever, ha ha ha ha
haaa haaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Then, one day, on the 12th of October 1994, Mr Ligier went up to Mr Lotus and
said: "Hey, I've got an idea, we give you Eric Bernard and we'll take Johnny
off your hands!". For some reason, Mr Lotus (Peter Collins) said: "Hey, great
idea, Mr Ligier (whoever he is)". Ligier probably paid Lotus a lot of money for
this. I don't know what Johnny had to say about all this, but my guess is that
it was something along the lines of "Wahey!". In fact, I hardly know anything
about this thing, there was just one page on Teletext about it (I saw it at Ben
Price's house)... More news when I get it.


 MANSELL RETURNS AFTER FINISHING SHOCK 8TH IN INDYCAR MASS CHAMPIONSHIP DEATH!

Niggle Mansell ended the 1994 PPG Indycar World Series in 8th position - and
that wasn't just the race. After winning the championship last year, Mansell
ended with 88 points, compared to championship winner Al Unser Jr's 225 points.
After this, Mansell will be wanting to avoid making this season the first
without a win since 1988. The press has been FULL (and I mean MEGA FULL) of
rumours, interviews, reports, and everything else about Mansell, most of them
not saying too great things about things in general. More news after first
qualifying tomorrow.


     SCHUMACHER RETURNS AFTER BEING SPECTATOR AT PORTUGAL AND ITALY!!!!!!

He wants the championship, and he's not afraid to drive cars fast round a track
in order to get it.


                       NEW DRIVERS IN MASS TESTING ORGY!

Two new drivers enter the fray in Spain, with F3000 driver Hideki Noda driving
for Larrousse (bye bye, Yannick) and .... the journalists nightmare, here goes,
Domenico Schiattarella replacing Gounon at Simtek. Noda drove for Forti Corse
this season, getting 6 or so points. Forti Corse may be moving up to F1 next
season, so Noda may be coming with them. 'Mimmo' (this is D.S.'s nickname,
apparently) was classified last in testing at Estoril last week, although we
can let him off because it was his first F1 drive, and it was in Gounon's
Simtek (which likes to spin off a lot).


           OH YES, I FORGOT, MORE NEWS ABOUT HERBERT (SHOCK HORROR!)

Hey, I forgot to say this: Johnny Herbert is in a much better car than the
Lotus. Olivier Panis qualified 6th at some race or other, so I bet Johnny can
get in the top four again... Alternatively he could do very badly (due to lack
of experience in the car), but we'll have to wait and see. Anyway, as you
should remember, Ligier is now owned by Benetton, so if Herbert does well, we
could see him in a potential championship winning car next year! Herbert has
signed to drive for Ligier in the last three races this year, plus the whole of
next year, which is better than having to drive for Lotus until 1996... It is
not clear who will partner Eric Bernard at Lotus now - it was supposed to be
Phillipe Adams, but some sources say it could be Alessandro Zanardi. Pedro
Lamy, who was injured during testing a few months ago is recovering, so we
could see him back in the old 'shitbox' next year...


Anyway, I will see the first qualifying results tomorrow, so here they are
(some of them):


This morning, I heard on the radio that Schumacher had been saying nasty things
about Hill, for example, that he is no threat to the championship and stuff
like that. This afternoon, Hill didn't bother saying anything, he just went and
got half way to qualifying on pole. Schumacher ended the session in third
place, behind, SHOCK HORROR, Heinz-Harald Frentzen! Many people have been very
excited about Frentzen, especially after he qualified 5th for his first race,
and a lot of people say that he is better than Schumacher. Well, today he
proved it! To beat Schumacher's Benetton in a Sauber was an incredible
acheivement. I see that I was right to choose Frentzen as my second Top Gear
Fantasy F1 driver (although I never registered it). The probability of him
staying put is low, with Mansell likely to improve, but he will almost
certainly be in the top 5. Anyway, here are some of the results:

1) HILL         2) FRENTZEN     3) SCHUMACHER   4) BARRICHELLO   5) IRVINE
6) MANSELL      7) ALESI?       8) BERGER?      9) ????         10) PANIS
11) ????        12-14) FITTIPALDI, BLUNDELL, BRUNDLE, SOMEONE ELSE...
17) HERBERT (Ligier)    20) ZANARDI?    22) BERNARD? (Lotus)
24) NODA (Larrousse)    25) SCHIATTARELLA (Simtek)      26) GACHOT
27) BELMONDO            28) VERSTAPPEN (Probably a technical problem).

Herbert is probably very disappointed, although I suppose this was his first
drive in a Ligier and needs to get used to the car. Bernard proves himself to
be crap (but then, I'm biased - I think he's crap...)

Well, can you guess what it is yet? (Wobble wobble). Tie me kangaroo down,
sports... Catch you tomorrow, guys and chicks...



Hello.


        1) SCHUMACHER (Benetton)
                                2) HILL (Williams)
        3) MANSELL (Williams)
                                4) FRENTZEN (Sauber)
        5) BARRICHELLO (Jordan)
                                6) BERGER (Ferrari)
        7) HERBERT (Ligier)
                                8) MORBIDELLI (Arrows)
        9) HAKKINEN (McLaren)
                                10) IRVINE (Jordan)
        11) PANIS (Ligier)
                                12) VERSTAPPEN (Benetton)
        13) KATAYAMA (Tyrrell)
                                14) BLUNDELL (Tyrrell)
        15) BRUNDLE (McLaren)
                                16) ALESI (Ferrari)
        17) MARTINI (Minardi)
                                18) DE CESARIS (Sauber)
        19) FITTIPALDI (Arrows)
                                20) ALBORETO (Minardi)
        21) ZANARDI (Lotus)
                                22) BERNARD (Lotus)
        23) COMAS (Larrousse)
                                24) NODA (Larrousse)
        25) BRABHAM (Simtek)
                                26) SCHIATTARELLA (Simtek)
        NQ) GACHOT (Pacific)
                                NQ) BELMONDO (Pacific)

Things looking bad for Pacific - just two chances left to race in 1994. They
have not qualified for a single race in the second half of this season...

Note - 26th October - Ceefax continued its run of cock ups by saying that
Brabham had qualified 23rd (in the past, they have told us that drivers have
QUALIFIED with times of over four minutes). Brabham's best time was enough to
put him ahead of the Larrousses, but that time was cancelled after he missed a
red light in the pit lane...


INTERUPTION - Due to the discovery of a very large spider in this room, I will
leave you now. I do not like spiders one bit, and now it has run off and I
don't know where it is, which is almost as bad... See you tomorrow...



Hello. Katayama and Noda both stalled but for some reason weren't out of the
race. Hill led, followed by Schumacher, Frentzen and Barrichello. Hill then
started pulling away. By lap 12, Hill and Schumacher were 25 seconds ahead of
Frentzen, who had a massive snake of cars behind him, consisting of Mansell,
Barrichello, Irvine, Berger and Herbert... There was a big battle between
Barrichello and Mansell, Rubens overtook Nigel when Hideki got in Nigel's
way... Schumacher pitted first, with a very quick 6.8 seconds. Meanwhile,
Mansell had buggered up his front wing, and had a pit stop lasting nearly a
minute, which put him into 21st position... Hill's pit stop was 8.7 seconds,
putting Schumacher a long way into the lead. Schumacher's next stop was even
quicker, 6.6 seconds. Frentzen, who had been maintaining 3rd position, was
clearly going for a 1 stop strategy, and this stop was 11.4 seconds long,
putting him back into 7th. He stayed there for almost the whole race - a very
big disappointment after going so well in qualifying and the first half of the
race. Both Hill and Schumacher pitted once more, with Schumacher retaining the
lead after his stop. Barrichello, who had been in 5th had a puncture and was
relegated to 13th position. And they all lived happily ever after, except for
Hill, Frentzen and Mansell...



        1) Micheal Schumacher (Benetton)        10 Points
        2) Damon Hill (Williams)                6 Points
        3) Mika Hakkinen (McLaren)              4 Points
        4) Eddie Irvine (Jordan)                3 Points
        5) Gerhard Berger (Ferrari)             2 Points
        6) Heinz-Harald Frentzen (Sauber)       1 Point
        7) Ukyo Katayama (Tyrrell)
        8) Johnny Herbert (Ligier)
        9) Olvier Panis (Ligier)
        10) Jean Alesi (Ferrari)
        11) Gianni Morbidelli (Arrows)
        12) Rubens Barrichello (Jordan)
        13) Mark Blundell (Tyrrell)
        14) Michele Alboreto (Minardi)
        15) Pierluigi Martini (Minardi)
        16) Alessandro Zanardi (Lotus)
        17) Christian Fittipaldi (Arrows)
        18) Eric Bernard (Lotus)
        19) Domenico Schiattarella (Simtek)

Death to the BBC! The positions go past so fast that I never get a chance to
write them all down, so I currently don't know who came in 15th, 16th and 17th.
I know that it is almost certainly Zanardi, Fittipaldi and Martini, but I don't
know which order...


        DRIVERS CHAMPIONSHIP TABLE:

        1) Micheal Schumacher                   86 Points
        2) Damon Hill                           81 Points
        3) Gerhard Berger                       35 Points
        4) Mika Hakkinen                        26 Points
        5) Jean Alesi                           19 Points
        6) Rubens Barrichello                   16 Points
        7) David Coulthard                      14 Points
        8) Martin Brundle                       12 Points
        9) Jos Verstappen                       10 Points
        10) Mark Blundell                       8 Points
        11) Olivier Panis                       7 Points
        12) Nicola Larini                       6 Points
            Christian Fittipaldi                6 Points
            Heinz-Harald Frentzen               6 Points
        15) Ukyo Katayama                       5 Points
        16) Karl Wendlinger                     4 Points
            Pierluigi Martini                   4 Points
            Andrea de Cesaris                   4 Points
            Eric Bernard                        4 Points
            Eddie Irvine                        4 Points
        21) Gianni Morbidelli                   3 Points
        22) Erik Comas                          2 Points
        23) Michele Alboreto                    1 Point
            JJ Lehto                            1 Point

Hill can still win the championship. If Schumacher and Hill are 1st and 2nd in
Japan, Hill would still be able to win the championship...


        CONSTRUCTORS CHAMPIONSHIP TABLE:

        1) Benetton-Ford                        97 Points
        2) Williams-Renault                     95 Points
        3) Ferrari                              60 Points
        4) McLaren-Peugeot                      38 Points
        5) Jordan-Hart                          23 Points
        6) Tyrrell-Yamaha                       13 Points
        7) Ligier-Renault                       11 Points
           Sauber-Mercedes                      11 Points
        9) Arrows-Ford                          9 Points
        10) Minardi-Ford                        5 Points
        11) Larrousse-Ford                      2 Points

I have just found a major cock up in the constructors championship table, the
points for McLaren and Larrousse were wrong (I have been looking at Autosport).
It is simple to make a mistake. I cannot guarantee that all the scores in this
issue of ARG-ST are correct, although I will check them at the end of the
season...

Retirements: Brundle (engine), Noda, Verstappen (spin), Comas (???), de
Cesaris, Brabham, Mansell (spun from 15th place)...

Bye.

- End of Sockument -

@e