No Fragments Archive 10: Diskmags/nf_archive_10.iso/MAGS/POWERMAG/POWER16.MSA/POWER_16/DEANODAY.PWR

Text File | 1985-11-20 | 7KB | 133 lines

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                     A DAY IN THE LIFE OF DEANO

                  BY ERRM......DEANO OF SILLY SOFTWARE
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   Welcome little friends......come and enter the life of Deano. The day
   I  am going to talk about is last Saturday,  so pull up a  chair  and
   light up your pipes and be prepared to be bored pooless.

   It  was  nine o clock on a Saturday morning.  The early  morning  sun
   gleamed  in  through  our  faint arched window  and  the  birds  were
   chriping sweet melodies. There I was....layed in our bed snoring with
   a series of grunts when suddenly.....a noise from outside woke me up.
   With  a sudden jerk I sprung up out of bed and uttered a  word  which
   would  certainly  be banned at a vicars tea party.  I sat up  with  a
   throbbing  head,  and my guts were churning.  I gazed at my  arm  and
   noticed a large set of bruises.  I lit up a fag and layed back trying
   to think where the bruises came from.  Then suddenly remembered  they
   were from an argument with the wifes mother the night before.

   With  bleary eyes I stumbled out of bed......placing a foot into  the
   remains  of last nights vindaloo!!!  Quickly wiping my foot with  the
   wifes donkey jacket I proceeded to get dressed.  As I was dressing  I
   gazed upon the wife who was still fast asleep.....layed there hunched
   up like a rugby ball. She was snoring quite loudly, and sleeping like
   a  baby......with her big toe in her mouth.  She was my second  wife.
   The first ran off with our neighbour and even now I miss him.

   I went into the bathroom to wash.....it was a mess as the wife  never
   cleaned  it.  She  thought it a kind  of  temple to be  left  in  its
   sacred state.  I'm not saying she's daft but she thought camiknickers
   were people who pinched soap. Actually we have a  very  nice bathroom.
   We have the messages 'his' and 'hers' on our shaving brushes.

   After cleaning up I went downstairs to get the morning post. The same
   old  routine day after day.  I was disapointed by  one  letter....I'd
   sent  off for a present for the wife and letter informed me they  had
   run out of muzzles.  The rest were from contacts and  customers.  The
   wife did have a problem with begging letters once but we sorted  that
   out. She doesn't write them anymore.

   Suddenly  there  was a knock on the door.  I knew it  was  the  wifes
   mother  because  the mice were throwing themselves on  the  traps.  I
   opened the door and there she was......stood in the pouring  rain.  I
   said, "don't stand there getting wet......go home!".

   She glared at me and growled revealing blood stained teeth,  then she
   grabbed me by the neck,  threw me over her back and stormed into  the
   living room.  Throwing me into a corner she looked at me with a firey
   glance and her nostrils opened about three feet,

   "WHERE'S OUR ADA?!" she roared?

   Hiding  behind the couch I managed to utter a  feeble  sound,  "She's
   upstairs mother",I wimpered, "Would you like a cup of tea?".

   "YEAH!!!" she roared, "GET IN THERE AND MAKE ONE NOW!!!!!".

   Still trembling I crawled into the kitchen.  The wifes mother snarled
   at  the dog who jumped out of her favourite chair and hid behind  the
   telly yelping.  I stood in the kitchen looking for her bucket  whilst
   trying also to find the acid.

   At this time the wife had woken up.She came downstairs dressed in her
   favourite  rugby  shorts.  I gazed lovingly at her,  she had  a  kind
   face.......the kind nobody likes. She went into the living room while
   I found an extra bucket to make her a brew.

   With both buckets of coffee held in my trembling hands I stood before
   the door leading to the living room.  What horror would await me when
   I entered that room? Only time would tell.

   With  baiting  breath I walked into the living  room.  The  wife  was
   playing the trumpet whilst her mother was dancing the foxtrot. With a
   gulp, I informed them I was present.

   "OH  YER 'ERE THEN?", growled her mother.....her voice was  deep  and
   throaty....like  a foghorn on heat.  "PUT THEM BLADDY BREWS DOWN  AND
   SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE AND SHUT UP!!!!!". With a fast beating heart I sat
   down on the couch. Silence echoed throughout the room then.......

   "LOOK AT 'IM" growled the mother-in-law, "HE'S PATHETIC AND WEAK, WHY
   DID YA MARRY 'IM OUR ADA?".

   The  wife  glared at me and proceeded to join her mother  in  a  long
   discussion  why  men  are not as good as women.  I  sat  in  silence,
   wondering  why  I  was fool enough to fall into the  endless  pit  of
   terror  called  marriage.  I looked at the wife......she had  a  mans
   greatest  desires......beard,  muscles,  and  hairy  chest.  When  we
   married, the vicar said to me......"Do you take this women or  is  it
   candid  camera?".  After the service he said you pay me according  to
   the beauty of the bride. I gave him 50p and he gave me change.

   Those of you reading this may think me and the wifes mother don't get
   on.  That's  not  true.  In the five years I'd known her  we've  only
   argued three times........morning,  noon,  and night.  I wouldn't say
   she  was fat but everytime she bent down we lost an  hours  daylight.
   She used to be a decoy for a whaling fleet.  She was built when  meat
   was cheap. Actually I do have a soft spot for the wifes mother...it's
   a pile of horse shit in the back garden.

   The wife was a bit upset that morning.....only the night before a sex
   manic jumped out.......and ignored her. She was being consoled by her
   mother and I took this chance to escape. On hands and knees I crawled
   up  to  my bedroom to see what my contacts had sent me.  One  of  the
   items was a new STOS extension which I installed and with the doc  in
   my  hands, proceeded to learn the new commands.  I never discuss  the
   computer  with  the  wife.....she's so  thick  she  thought  a   STOS
   extension was some kind of computer sex aid.

   The day proceeded as normal......with most time spent on the computer
   replying to letters,  writing for POWER and STOSSER,  and programming
   for my company, Silly Software. I had a bit of peace and quiet as the
   wife  and her mother had gone out hunting.  I asked the wife once  if
   she'd ever caught a wild boar.....she said "Yes I married one.".

   The  end of the day arrived and it was time to turn the computer  off
   and take the mother in law home.  Making sure the cage was locked and
   secured on the car I took her back to the forest.

   I  arrived home late.....the wife was already in bed starkers, posing
   with  a rose.  I took one look and decided to spend the night on  the
   couch.  I layed there thankful another day was over,  and prayed that
   one day I would be released from this agony.  The lights went out and
   I  went  to sleep.....sound was quiet except for the  howling  coming
   from the wife. That was that day of my life.