No Fragments Archive 10: Diskmags/nf_archive_10.iso/MAGS/POWERMAG/POWER21.MSA/POWER_21/METMALAW.PWR

Text File | 1990-01-01 | 8KB | 124 lines

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               *    THE DAY I MET THE MOTHER-IN-LAW    *
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               *       BY DEANO OF SILLY SOFTWARE      *
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One morning I gazed at the calendar at todays date,  I recalled that on that
day  I  was dragged by the wife to the greatest doom ever to  befall  mortal
man........To meet the wifes mother!

It was early on a Friday night.  The night was gloomy and misty and a  chill
flowed  from a small hole in the wall where my brother had banged his  head.
He had a bad memory and forgot what a door looks like.  He was a quiet  lad.
Never smoked,  never drank, and made all his own frocks. He had a friend who
never smoked,  drank,  or bothered with women.  Eventually that friend  died
of nothing.  My  brother was only a small lad,  in fact he  had  castors  on
his underpants.  At one time he would run behind the bus to save money,  now
he runs behind taxis to save more money.

We came from a poor family, in fact mother would boil an egg and give us the
water as chicken soup.  We couldn't afford laxatives, my dad would sit us on
the potty and tell us ghost stories. I once asked my dad to give us a horror
story,  and he gave us the phone bill. As babies, me and my brother would be
put in the same nappy,  it was the only way to make ends meet. I remember we
were so poor, my dad used to mug tramps.

The  hours on the clock flew by as I proceed to get ready,  meeting a  girls
parents was a much feared thing to the suffering boyfriend. There I was clad
in my new suit, I'd decided to splash out in order to make a good impression
on the wife's mother, I'd got some money out of the bank to buy it, it was a
bank who specialised in hair lice.  It was called Nit West.

With quaking hands, I opened the front door and stepped out, ready to go  to
the  wifes house  It was only a short walk and the night seemed  cool  as  I
walked  along  a cobblestone path towards my destination.  Nerves  and  fear
sprang up and boinged up and now inside me like a moose on a promise. It was
halfway there when I remembered the wise words I heard from an old man in  a
local pub, where I'd ended up after attending a talk on the mating habits of
the  black infested swallow back duck.  From the gin soaked lips of the  man
came  the  words.."When nerves strike my son,  take courage".  I  took   his
advice and headed for the nearest pub.  As I sat in a low lit corner holding
a  pint  of larger and a smoldering Park Drive,  a man stood near  the  pool
table with a turnip on his head was shaking like crazy.  I asked him if he'd
had a shock, he said he had, he'd just met his mother-in-law.

So, armed  with another pint of courage I decided that I would be  firm  and
strong,  and proceeded to throw a few down the old gullet. I left staggering
and continued the perilous journey. I passed a lamp post and a drunk leaning
on it asked me when the bus was due.

Finally I reached the house and rapped on the door,  (not a  misprint),  and
after what seemed an endless wait,  the door creaked open,  and stood in the
dim light of the doorway was the wife,  dressed in her favourite Doc Martins
and  rugby  shorts.  She  screamed with glee and punched  at  me  with  arms
outstretched  like  a  frustrated baboon.  Holding me trapped  in  a  French
headlock, she  pulled me into the living room.  It was a small room  with  a
hearty fire burning in a limestone fireplace.  The furniture was yellow with
blue flowers,  and a telly covered with fag ash was showing a repeat of  the
news at five.

The wife released the headlock, and in her broad Rochdale accent, introduced
me to her father,  brother,  and little sister.  What a crew, the father sat
in a broken down beerstained armchair with a fag lodged between his  chapped
lips, with a beer can in his hand. He was wearing a string vest and a bowler
hat. Upon hearing his daughters introduction he just turned his head, looked
at us,  then turned back to the telly with a grunt.  The brother and  sister
looked at me with gaping mouths and laughed. It seemed the brother was happy
enough making bombs, and the sister was busy mugging the cat, so I left them
to it. The wife motioned for me to sit down by waving an axe, so I did, just
missing a large Atom bomb the brother had placed there.

Just then,  the door opened,  and in walked the wifes mother, a small feeble
old woman wearing a laced dress and German helmet. Well I was suprised, this
wasn't the kind of mother in law I had heard about,  she was old, frail, and
kind with a large smile on her face.  All was quiet until....the wife jumped
up,  a large beam scrunched up in her face, and in her broad Rochdale accent
she screeched......."Maaaam, this is Deano".

Her mother looked at me,  and her smile grew so large her teeth stuck  right
out,  it  looked like her nose was playing the piano.  With an  outstretched
frail  wrinkled hand she said "Nice to meet yer Deano.".  She offered  me  a
brew and I accepted, so she entered the kitchen, and after the smoke cleared
she re-entered carrying a cup of hot grog and a rock cake,  I could tell  it
was a rock cake because the pebbles were sticking out of it.

The  mother in law,  with a permanent smile cranked into her jaws and  large
hazel  eyes  fixed on me like an eagle eying its target,  sit  down  on  her
armchair  with her knitting and continued to chat away,  whilst knitting  an
elephant gun. The night passed away in idle chatter as the wifes mother told
me  about  her  hobby of brick laying.  The father laid  motionless  in  his
armchair  and never spoke except for the odd grunt,  and the kids were  busy
building a new cesspit. Suddenly the wife excused herself and left the room,
and that's when the horror happened...

I  looked at the wifes mother and something strange happened,  she began  to
change  into something hideous.  Her hair parted and horns  sprang  up,  her
frail  hands became claw shaped,  and her eyeballs became sunken.  Her  arms
sprouted brown hair and her skin turned green.  She stood up and punched  at
me,  a  large  claw wrapped around my neck,  and she breathed on me  with  a
strong smell of peanut butter.  "Look after my daughter" she growled,  "or I
will hunt you and kill you.".  I looked into her firey eyes and said, "errm,
okay mother,  I will.".  After a short blankness I looked up,  their was the
wifes mother,  still knitting and smiling,  whilst whistling, 'Pack up  your
troubles in your old kit bag'.

At  that  time the wife entered the room,  and we watched television  for  a
while.  After  Cell Block H I said it was time I was going.  She ushered  me
towards the door and her mother waved goodbye, while the father just grunted
and the kids flicked screws at me.  I stood at the door, the wife held in my
arms  as we kissed goodbye.  I could tell she wanted me to stay because  she
had that 'come to bed' look in her eyes, she's taken her teeth out.

I  left  that night in shock.  Was the sight of evil I saw real,  or  did  I
imagine it, who could tell.........


                                   THE END