ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/H/Herlock

Text File | 1994-02-18 | 38KB | 793 lines

                      Herlock Shomes - Case of Indemnity
                      ----------------------------------

                     We return you now to Baker Street..

Herlock: My dear fellow,  life is infinitely stranger than anything which
 the mind of man could invent.  We would not dare to conceive the
 things that are really mere commonplaces of existance.  We simply
 cannot imagine to the full depths, the horrors that may befall us.
Whatnot: Oh, you mean like Mrs Hobb's cooking?
Herlock: No, no, much worse than that man!
Whatnot: Mrs Hobbs herself?
Herlock: No no man, I mean terribly hideous
Whatnot: That's what I meant Herlock!
Herlock: Yes,  I suppose you're correct in that Whatnot, But perchance if
 we could fly out of window hand in hand and hover over this great
 city, gently remove the rooves, and peep at the queer things that
 are going on...
Whatnot: I dare say we'd be arrested Herlock...
Herlock: No, bear with me if you can Whatnot
Whatnot: What, a bit of exhibionism as well, that should boost the charges
 a bit...
Herlock: Shut up Whatnot!  What I'm trying to say is that if we saw the
 strange coincidences,  the plannings, the cross purposes, the
 wonderful chains of events,  working through generations,  or
 degenerations in your case Whatnot, and looked at the outcomes
 of these happenings, it would make fiction seem so bland and
 tasteless in comparison.
Whatnot: Ah, so why are we doing this then. [Book closing]
Herlock: What?
Whatnot: This!  You know, this story about "A case of indemnity"
Herlock: [Whispered Quicky]  Shut up you fool [loudly]  HA HA HA, Whatnot,
 [slow and loud]
 WHAT A JEST YOU HAVE TURNED OUT TODAY, CALLING MY WORK FICTION
Whatnot: Oh! Um, ah, [pages turning]  But Shomes, one has just to look in
 the paper to see how simple and straightforward all these crimes
 are,  look,  see  "WASHER SCREWS NUTS AND BOLTS", "MAN STRANGLES
 RAKE IN FRONT OF QUEEN", "WOMAN SHOOTS DUCK IN PARK", these are
 so simple, when fiction can be so complicated and entwined.  Why
 even the police reports don't make meaty reading!
Herlock: That is simply because the format of the report is dull, not the
 content.   Events are simply reported as happens,  and  not  the
 insidious circumstances leading  up  to  them.   Mark  my  words
 Whatnot, nothing is so unnatural as the commonplace.
Whatnot: Shomes, I fear you have been imbibing a little too much of your
 special  snuff,  and  it has finally addled your brain.  In all
 fairness  I  will admit that some of the cases you have handled
 are a little diverse,  but  if  one WERE in fact to look at the
 paper,  today's  for  instance  [paper shuffling] one would see
 nothing strange or unnatural.  There, see,  "Inflatable Lovers,
 Masochism Manuals, Sexual Aids", nothing unnatural at all.
Herlock: I think Whatnot you are missing my point,  I  was  talking about
 the intertwined events that form NEWS.
Whatnot: Well, here [paper shuffling], Woman beats Shit out of Husband.
 Half a column of print, but I could recite to you almost fully
 the facts of the case.
Herlock: Yes,  I noticed those nasty bruises on your face,  how  is the
 wife Whatnot?
Whatnot: The old bag got two weeks in the slammer to cool off.  But
 crime is so straightforward and obvious.  For instance this,
         "A husband's cruelty to his wife"  I wager you, is that the man
 was extremely loyal and his only crime was hurling his teeth
 at his wife.
Herlock: Ah, that was the Dundas seperation was it not; unlucky that
 you should choose that case to expound, you may not remember,
 but I recently helped in this case, and in fact the man in
 question was extremely loyal and his only crime consisted of
 throwing his teeth at his wife.
Whatnot: That's what I just said Shomes.
Herlock:[angry] Look Whatnot, You're cruising for a quick kick in the
 snuff box if you're not careful, so I'd be VERY thoughtful
 with my smart remarks in future if I were you!
Whatnot: I'm sorry if I have offended, but that was what it said in
 the paper.  On the subject of snuff, tho, perhaps a little snort
 would do us the world of good.
Herlock: Yes, perhaps you are right at that.  Here, have a little of the
 stuff I keep for guests.  [Tin lid clicking open]
Whatnot: Ah, most kind, most kind [SNORT SNORT]
         I SAY! THAT'S CAYENNE PEPPER AND TALCUM POWDER YOU
         BOUNDER Shomes, YOU SAID IT WAS FOR GUESTS!
Herlock: Of course it is, you don't think I'd take that stuff myself do
 you, I'd have to be stark raving bonkers!  No, I prefer this.
 [Metallic Click]
Whatnot: By George that's an interesting and expensive looking snuff box
 Shomes!
Herlock: Yes, I'd forgotten to tell you, A little souvineer from the King
 of Bohemia for writing that song for Queen.
Whatnot: Ah, of course, Bohmeian Rhapsody
Herlock: No, Fat Bottomed Girls.
Whatnot: Tell me about your ring!
Herlock: I say, you're not turning a little limp at the wrist are you Whatnot?
Whatnot: What!  Oh, no, no, I meant the ring on your finger.
Herlock: Oh, yes!  I see!  [Quietly] Pity.
 [out loud] A gift from the reigning family of Holland, for my
 help in a matter that was indeed delicate, so delicate I cannot
 even divulge it to you, my faithful friend.
Whatnot: Is that the bit about the King's strange and unnatural passions
 for woodland creatures?
Herlock: HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!!?
Whatnot: He bought my pet duck the last time he came here.
Herlock: Ah, I see, well, the less said the better, but you'd better get
 a replacement Gerbil for me, I sold it for 45 pounds
Whatnot: The cheap swine, he only gave me 5 pounds for Rover.
Herlock: Rover?
Whatnot: He was a confused duck, Shomes.  But still, moneys money.
Herlock: Yes, it brings in the cash.
Whatnot: Speaking of which, have you any cases on hand at the moment?
Herlock: Well yes, a few axe murders, an autopsy or two, nothing that
 can't wait a day if something important comes up.  Speaking of
 which, I believe one of my clients is about to arrive.

NR:     And so it was.  Shomes rose from his chair, stood at the window in
the shadow of the curtains and looked down upon Baker Street.
Looking over his shoulder, I saw on the opposite pavement a
large woman with a face not unlike the rear of a multiple passenger
service vehicle.

Herlock: [thinking quickly]  Um No, I think you can handle this one
 Whatnot.  It's time you had a chance to show me how your
 deductive skills have developed.
Whatnot: Nice of you to offer Shomes, but I think I would prefer you to
 handle it, this time.
Herlock: No, no Whatnot, I insist
Whatnot: I simply couldn't Shomes, not one of your clients.
Herlock: Flip you for it then, loser has to take her.
Whatnot: Heads.

[Fting]

Herlock: Bugger!  You lucky so and so Whatnot.

[Clang of Doorbell]

 Oh well, I suppose I will see what service I can do for her.

[Door opening]

Christian: Execuse me brother, do you have a minute to talk with me about
   what is probably the most important thing in your life.
Herlock:   What,  you  know  how  to drink a whole bottle of Shandi while
   standing on your head?!   I've  been trying to win that pounds
   worth of free ale at the Cat and Ferret for two years now!
Christian: No brother, the meaning of eternal life.
Herlock:   Ay?
Christian: Our oneness with the Lord.
Herlock:   [Happy Surprise] Oh, I understand!  [Restrained anger] Push off
           before I kick your head in!
Christian: I sense that you have no time for my message brother, but I tell
   you now, the time of judge...
[Thud Pow Wop etc - Batman music]
Client:    I say, nice kick to the head!  May I come in?
Herlock:   Thank you, and certainly, come in.... uh... er...... Mam

[Door opening]

Herlock: Whatnot, I'd like you to meet our...  Whatnot?  Where's that
         sneaky little pr*t gone?
Client:  Pardon?
Herlock: Don't worry madam; Whatnot, come out from behind the curtains.
[Curtains moving]
Whatnot: Just checking the drapes Shomes, never can be sure what's behind
 them.  Pays to check them at least once a day.
Client:  Really?  Gosh it's amazing what you find out...
Herlock: Yes, yes, but enough of us, don't you find it a little hard to
 type so much when you are so shortsighted.
Client:  At first, but now I know where everything is without looking.
[pause]
 But!  How did you know??!
Herlock: A detective has to train himself to observe all and assimilate
 a true picture of things as they are.
Whatnot: Yes, and besides, it's written at the top of the script, see,
 Miss Mary Sutherland, shortsighted Typist, blah blah blah.
Client:  [gush gush] Oh how clever!
Herlock: Yes, but perhaps you would inform us of what is worrying you
 enough to bring you here?
Client:  I should like you to find Mr Humdinger Angle.
Herlock: And what prompted you to act so quickly in coming to us on
 this matter?
Client:  Well, I'm not altogether sure.  I think it was because of the
 way Mr Willibanger, my father took it all.
Herlock: Your STEP father you mean.
Client:  Yes, how did you know?
Herlock: It's there in the script.  You missed STEP out.
Client:  Sorry.
[Voice from backstage "It's ok, we'll dub it"]
Client:  I think it was because of the way Mr Willibanger, my STEPfather
 took it all.  He's so much younger than my mother and he simply
 does not take things as seriously.  He sold out my fathers
 business for a pittance and leads my poor mother on.
Herlock: On what, the dance floor?
Whatnot: I think she means that he encourages her mother to do things
 she otherwise would not Shomes
Herlock: Oh of course, but don't you mean your LATE father's business
Client:  Yes, he was late for the wedding, so she married someone else.
 It didn't last of course, so she married him, and he died, so
 she remarried someone almost my age.
Herlock: And tell us, what keeps you going, apart from your typing?
Client:  I have an inheritance that keeps me soluable.  But that takes
 care of my mother and her living expenses.
Herlock: Food, clothing and the running of your house I imagine.
Client:  Oh no, Gin and Whiskey.  The house will look after itself.
Herlock: I see.  Well, now that I have a picture of your financial
 situation and see how much I can milk you for, [hurriedly] I mean
 I see what you can afford, perhaps you would tell us about
 your relationship with Mr Angle, if that's not too obtuse at
 the moment.  [chuckle chuckle]
Client:  [meekly] Oh, well, I um, met him at the gas-fitters ball.  You
 see, my father used to get the tickets to it, and when I was
 cleaning out his deathbed the tickets fell from his pocket
Herlock: The inside pocket?
Client:  Yes?
Herlock: The one firmly zipped up?
Client:  It may have been, I'm not sure, because it fell out so quickly
Herlock: Along with a watch and a quantity of money perhaps?
Client:  Alright alright, I ripped him off.  It wasn't as if he was
 going to need it where he was going!
Whatnot: Ah yes, no need for money in Heaven
Client:  No you silly old fool, into the Thames.  We couldn't afford the
 burial costs.  A quick drag down the main street, a bump up the
 steps to the outlook and then heave him off the side.  Made a
 nice splash when he hit too!
Herlock: Can we get back to the story; You met at the Gas fitters ball.
Client:  Yes, I'm sorry, I was forgetting myself
Herlock: Who?
Client:  I'm not sure of her name
Herlock: Ah, yes, Well please continue...
Client:  Well, I met him at the ball and the next day he came to check
 that we had all got home alright.  After that first meeting,
 we met occasionally for walks together, but once my stepfather
 found out that all had to stop.
Herlock: He didn't approve of your relationship?
Client:  No,  he  started  laying  concrete  in the driveway and it was
 murder to get through in high heels
Herlock: So your father did approve?
Client:  Not really, he thought I should spend my time with the family.
Whatnot: Ah yes, days spent round the fire, talking and singing along to
 the piano!
Client:  No, days and nights scrubbing the floors, washing the curtains,
 shining the brass and silverware...
Whatnot: Surely you jest...
Client:  ...Dusting the mantlepeices, repapering the walls, washing the
 clothes, shining the shoes...
Whatnot: I see
Client:  ...Shaking out the carpets mats and rugs, Washing the windows,
 cutting the lawns, digging over the garden...
Whatnot: I think we get the picture
Client:  ..Feeding the horses, supervising the servant, doing the dishes,
 Going to get the paper, doing the shopping...
Whatnot: Yes, yes, now be quiet
Client:  ...Making the beds, cleaning the drains, scrubbing the septic
 tank, typing up my father's letters...
Whatnot: JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT YOUR FACE, SHUT UP!!!
>Slap<
Whatnot: Thank you Herlock, I needed that, how did you know?
Herlock: It was elementary my dear Whatnot.
Whatnot: Ah, of course, silly of me not to notice.
Herlock: Anyway, back to your story madam; did Mr Angle attempt to
 contact you again?
Client:  Well, as my father had been abroad before
Herlock: You mean, he had had a sex-change in the past?
Whatnot: I think she meant he'd been overseas, Herlock
Herlock: What?  Oh yes, of course!  Continue
Client:  Well, as my father had been abroad before, we decided to leave
 our relationship lie until he went back
Herlock: And how long did this take.
Client:  About 2 days, then he received a letter from a new client
 who wished to start dealings with him.
Herlock: And in the meantime?
Client:  We maintained contact through letters.
Herlock: Which ones
Client:  A, E, I, O, U and the number 4
Herlock: Ah, of course.  Tell me, were you two engaged?
Client:  Yes, we were engaged after our first meeting.  Mr Angel was a
 stable man
Herlock: Oh, he worked with horses then?
Whatnot: I believe she meant he was financially independant and reliable
Herlock: Oh!  Of course, yes I was just testing you Whatnot
Whatnot: How did I do?
Herlock: B minus
Whatnot: Damn!
Herlock: But to continue, he worked..
Client:  In Zepplin street, as a [pronounce clurk] "clerk"
Whatnot: A CLARK
Client:  No, a "clurk", that was the noise he had to make when anyone
 paid him some money.  It was a funny job, but he didn't like
 to ask questions.
Whatnot: Ah, yes, I have a cousin who's a boing
Client:  A boing!  I was in love with a boing once, but I left him for
 a rippit-rippit.
Whatnot: A rippit-rippit!  Yes, they're real rovers, almost as bad as
 the pting-ptings, it must be something to do with the work
 they do, all that pting-ptinging all day ring in the ears,
 pting-pting-ring-ring-pting-ring-pting..
>slap<
Whatnot: Thank you Herlock, I lost it again.
Herlock: Don't lie Whatnot, you've still got it, your wife told me
Whatnot: The utter cad!  She promised she wouldn't tell!
Herlock: Pray continue madam,  where was your fiance's work
Client:  Et Nominous Patre, Et Filis, Et Spiritu.
Herlock: What are you doing?
Client:  Praying - You just said pray...
Herlock: It was a phrase of speech, please just continue..
Client:  Oh!  Silly Me.  Well, his work was a mystery to me
Herlock: Good grief, two mysteries in one day!  If you can find another
 mystery I think I can do you a discount for bulk.
Whatnot: I think she was trying to impart to us that she did not know,
 not that she wanted us to find out for her.
Herlock: [testily]  Yes yes Whatnot.
         [to Client]  Where did he live then?
Client:  I believe he used to sleep on the premises of his work
Whatnot: HA HA, talk about taking your home to work with you, HA HA HA
 HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
>slap<
 Sorry

Herlock: If he had no address, how did he receive his letters?
Client:  I was to leave them at the Zepplin St Post Office.  He didn't
 wish me to send them to his work as he would get a terrible
 chafing from the other clurks and boings.
Herlock: Chafing?  I always did have my wonders about those sort of people
 They now seem to be confirmed.
Client:  But in any case, I offered to type them, but he much preferred
 me to write in crayon, as it reminded him of what his good
 mother now does at the asylum.  It was a small thing, but he
 always said the small things were important
Whatnot: Yes, I try and tell Mrs Whatnot that too, but she does not seem
 to believe me.
Herlock: Enough of your paltry private life Whatnot, can you remember any
 more of Mr Angle?
Client:  He was a shy man, he would rather walk with me in the evening
 than in daylight, for he hated to be conspicuous.  I believe
 that was why he asked me to stop shouting "look over here"
 on several occasions.
 He was very retiring...
Herlock: Oh, so he was old
Whatnot: I believe she was inferring that he was quiet and reserved.
Herlock: Of course he was reserved Whatnot, you spokeshave!, he was
 engaged to our client here.
Whatnot: She was meaning he was a quiet person, that was all
Herlock: Oh, excuse me, so we're a bloody directive now are we Whatnot?
 Dr Whatnot the world famous directive, and his assistant Herlock
         Shomes!.   Up yours Whatnot, I knew what my client meant
 and she meant that he was old.
Client:  Um, excuse me, but I did just mean that he was quiet.
Herlock: That's right, gang up on me now.  Perhaps you'd like Dr Wattlebot
 to  solve  your case for you instead?  I'll just sit round here
 and collect dust shall I???
Client:  Oh Mr Shomes, I didn't mean that, you were probably right, he
 was fairly oldish
Herlock: Yes, just as I thought.  You see Whatnot, I told you so, you lack
 the incisive thoughts of a true directive.  But follow carefully
 Whatnot,  and  perhaps  one  day you too could acheive fame.  But
 enough of my modest acheivements,  continue dear lady,  describe
 to us Mr Angle in further detail.
Client:  Well,  he  had  a  very  quiet voice,  having had a bad case of
 laringitus that had left him permenantly short in that department
Herlock: The department of health, of course
Client:  No, breath and voice
Herlock: Yes yes, continue.
Client:  He was always well dressed, very neat and plain, but his eyes
 were weak, as mine are, and he wore tinted glasses against the
 glare.
Whatnot: So, he was a four-eyes.
Client:  I suppose you could call him that
Whatnot: A Goggle-head
Client:  Well, yes
Whatnot: Googly eyes
Client:  I..
Whatnot: Sniper Scopes...  Bifocal Brains,  If he looked into the sun
 he'd burn his eyes out;  People used to think he had a couple
 of crystal balls strapped to his head.  When he went out people
 would duck and scream "look out..
>Slap<
 Thank you, Shomes, I don't know what came over me.
Herlock: That wasn't a que for that tastless elephant joke was it?
Whatnot: No, of course not, you know me better than that Shomes.
Herlock: Of course, never mind, I'll get another chance later.
 My dear woman, perhaps you would continue with what happened
 once your father returned from his trip.
Client:  Mr Angel came to the house again, but proposed that we should
 marry immediately, before my father came.  He was dreadfully
 Earnest, and...
Herlock: I thought you said his name was Humdinger.
Client:  I did!
Herlock: Then why did you say he was Earnest?
Client:  I..
Whatnot: Shomes, she means the man was very serious!
Herlock: Perhaps it was his second name Whatnot, and people call him by
 it...
Whatnot: I hardly think that likely Shomes, she...
Herlock: Madam, what was Mr Angle's second name?
Client:  I don't know
Herlock: Might it have been Earnest?
Client:  I..
Herlock: There you go Whatnot, what did I tell you?  You're always jumping
 to these foolish conclusions, when in fact the real truth is so
 simple.  Good Lord man, he could have been a Schizophrenic even!
 But your stupidity is not helping with the case any.  Continue
 from where Dr Whatnot so boorishly interrupted.
Client:  Well, he made me swear, with my hands on the testament that I
 would be true to him, whatever happened.
Herlock: The testament?
Client:  Yes
Whatnot: Which testament was that?  The old or the new?  Was it a King
 James Bible or some foreign import?  It might even have been a
 Gideon Bible stolen from a hotel somewhere.  Perhaps your
 fiancee' is in fact a bible thief on the run from the law!
 Had you considered that?  He could this very minute taking a
 Bible from some house of rest and breakfast.  Shomes we must
 act quickly to stop this madman!
Herlock: I agree
>slap<
Whatnot: Where am I?  What's happening?
Herlock: Nothing to worry about Whatnot, you are brain dead.
Whatnot: Oh good.
Herlock: Now, you swore you would be true to him
Client:  Yes, my mother thought that was sweet.  Mind you, my mother
 liked him from the first
Whatnot: The first of what?  March, April, May?  And how much did she
 "like" him eh?  I'll bet..
>Slap<  >Kathud - Body hitting the floor<
Herlock: You'll have to forgive Whatnot, it's the pressure of work
 catching up with him.  He'll be fine in a few minutes.
 Please continue with your story
Client:  Well, my mother and him talked of marrying within the week
Herlock: But I thought you were engaged to Humdinger?
Client:  Yes, it was us they were discussing!
Herlock: [enlightenment] Oooh!!  [realising] Of course it was
Client:  And I thought it was a little underhanded as my father..
Herlock: STEP father
Client:  Oh yes [quietly] these words are so small, and you've spilt
 coffee all over the script.
 [out loud] My step-father was overseas still.  So I sent him a
 letter
Herlock: Which One?
Client:  Q
Herlock: Yes, a sturdy creature, I use it myself from time to time.
 And did he reply?
Client:  No, unfortunately the letter missed him completely.
Herlock: Perhaps you didn't throw it hard enough..  Your wedding was
 arranged then, for the Friday.  Was it to be in church?
Client:  Yes, but it was to be a quiet wedding
Herlock: Ah yes, silencer on the shotgun sort of arrangement
Client:  No, it was to be at St Stevens, near Kings Croft and we were
 to have breakfast at the Pancreas Hotel.
Herlock: [saucy-matey voice]  And that wasn't all I bet
 >thud - slap on the back<
 You young devils!  If I were thirty years younger...
Client:  What?
Herlock: I wouldn't be as old as I am now
 But what happened on the day?
Client:  Humdinger came for us in a hansom..
Herlock: A hansom what?
Client:  Carriage..?
Herlock: I'm more of a woman man myself, never could crave for a carriage
 still, takes all sorts I spose.
Whatnot: [Weakly] oOooh.  oooOooH.  What happened?
Herlock: You had one of your spells again.
Whatnot: Oh dear, how did I do this time?
Herlock: Fairly good, you almost got QUASISCALAR, but you had ER, not AR
Whatnot: Damn!
Herlock: I have just been hearing of the circumstances of the good lady's
 Wedding.  Mr Angle arrived in a hamsome carriage, and what then
 happened?
Client:  He went in a four-wheeler and we made to the church.  The four-
 wheeler stopped with a jerk
ALL:     AND THE JERK GOT OUT!  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Backstage:  Very funny.  Now can we please continue.
Client:  The fourwheeler stopped and noone emerged.  The cabman could
 find noone in it and could not understand it as he remembered
 seeing him enter.
Herlock: Hmmmmm
Client:  That was last friday, and I have neither seen nor heard of him
 since.
Herlock: What was the date last friday Whatnot?
Whatnot: The thirteenth!
[Mildly Scary music]
Herlock: And that would make Saturday the...
Whatnot: The fourteenth?
[Very scary music]
Herlock: And Sunday
Whatnot: The fifteenth
[Extremely scary music]
Herlock: And today?
Whatnot: The nineteenth
[Ultimately scary music continuing on...]
Herlock: Good, set the desk calendar, Whatnot, it's wrong.  And for
 goodness sake, turn off the special effects record, it's
 driving me insane.
[record scratching, scary music stops]
 Well, my dear lady, it would appear that you have been
 shamefully treated.
Client:  Oh no!  Mr Angle was much too nice a man to do that!  Why, all
 the morning he was telling me that if anything should happen to
 him, I was to be true to him and remember that he still loved me
Herlock: A good line, I must admit.  [Quietly thoughtful]  Might even use
 it myself.  [Aloud] And so he seemed quite true.
Client:  As true as you are the best directive in the whole world
Herlock: [bashful laugh] Well, I wouldn't say...
Client:  [horrified] YOU WOULDN'T
Herlock: [hurriedly] Well, maybe I would
Client:  Oh that calms me so
 Do you think that perhaps a terrible tragedy may have befallen
 him perhaps?
Herlock: Perhaps, but would you have any idea of what may have happened?
Client:  None at all
Herlock: Hmm. How did your mother take all of this?
Client:  She was terribly angry and said I should never speak of the
 matter again.
Whatnot: Then why are you telling us all this!!?
Client:  I thought..
Whatnot: You thought!  You thought!  You young people always think!
 MOTHER  KNOWS  BEST!!!  You should know that by now!!!
 I've got a good mind to..
>slap<
 Oh dear, I feel all faint.  I think I'll just sit down
Herlock: And your father?  What did he say to all this?
Client:  He could see no point to it.  He said that if the man were
 to mean me any harm, he would have married me and then arranged
 an accident to get his hands on the 2 million pound insurance
 policy that would fall to him as my husband, as would my
 inheritance, upon my death.
Herlock: [Greasy] Would it??  Well that would be terrible, wouldn't it
 Whatnot?   Come over here and sit down and try to forget that
 horrible man who deserted you so,  and tell your very good
 friend Herlock all about yourself.
Client:  Humdinger wasn't horrible!  I fear something awful has befallen
 him and I need your help!  >sob< >sob< I don't know what to do
Herlock: Yes, I suppose you're right.  [masterly] I shall take the case!
 I shall get to the bottom of this, although I fear you may not
 see your Mr Angle again...
Client:  You believe something terrible has happened to him?!
Herlock: Yes, something terrible, and probably fatal.
Client:  When do you think it happened?
Herlock: [quietly]  As soon as we find him I shouldn't wonder
Client:  Pardon?!
Herlock: I said whatever happened was a terrible BLUNDER, of fate I mean.
Client:  Oh yes, of course.
Herlock: I think it is best now if you give Whatnot over there a full
 description of Mr Angle while I meditate upon the implications
 of what you have told me.
Whatnot: Well, please describe his physical appearance.
Client:  Well, we only met a few times, we weren't that..  OH! you mean
 what did he look like.  Sorry.  Well, he was a frail looking
 man
Whatnot: Yes; did he have a beard?
Client:  No
Whatnot: A hairlip?
Client:  Not that I know of
Whatnot: Did he wear a monocle?
Client:  No
Whatnot: Any tatoos?
Client:  None that I know of
Whatnot: Did he walk with the aid of a stick?
Client:  No
Whatnot: Are you certain?  He didn't have a hook for a hand?
Client:  No!
Whatnot: A parrot on his shoulder, [losing it again]  a shoulder infested
 with weeks of parrot droppings, a shoulder tacked as if with a
 cheap cobblers nail to a body bent and twisted, attached to which
 was a head, one sightless eye covered in a patch, it's partner a
 beady shiny relic, sparkling like a jewel inside a head that
 periodly [getting louder and faster] shouted "Yo Ho Ho and a
 bottle of rum" in between calls of "Walk the plank", "Hoist that
 scurvy dog from the yardarm" the head itself connected to the
 aforementioned body [completely off his rocker] wizened and
 twisted by years at sea in the company of the rough,..
>slap<
 [back to normal]  Thank you, I don't know what came over me
Client:  Think nothing of it.
 I think it would probably be best if I just left a description
 here for you tommorrow, but in the meantime, here is my address
 and the letters that Mr Angle sent me
Herlock: Very good.  And what was your fathers place of work?
Client:  He travels for "Health and Vitality" the poison gas makers of
 London
Herlock: Ah yes, I know them well.  Thank you, I shall peruse the letters
 you have received and shall call on you when I have something
 significant to report.  As I said before, best to leave Mr Angle
 to slip from your memory like toilet paper down the drain of life
Client:  I cannot, I promised to be true, I shall wait!


NR:     For all the preposterous hat and vacuous face, there was
something noble in the way our client had faith in Shomes and
myself.  She took her leave, promising to return if and when
required.  Herlock himself was silent for a long while as he
compiled in his mind the sequence of events that had been revealed
to him, then took from the rack a pipe, such as was his counsellor
in times of thought.  Lazing into the chair, he took several large
draughts of the sweet smelling smoke before speaking.

Herlock: [a little hoarse]  Ooooooh!  Dat's good stuff!  Woah!
         MMmmm.  Quite an interesting study, that young lady.  More interesting
         than the case itself.  If you look in my casebook, volume nine, chapter
         one page 14, you will see a similar case, exactly as this one
Whatnot: And what was that?
Herlock: UFO's! Happens all the time. Those little green creeps sneak in, sneak
         out,taking with them people to perform their gruesome experiments upon.
Whatnot: Surely you jest Shomes, one would have to be a complete and raving
 lunatic to believe that sort of thing!
Herlock: Really!?  I suppose you're right, throw that volume on the fire then
         would you, I didn't believe that little green man anyway, his eye was
         too close together. But tell me, what did you notice about our client?
Whatnot: She was ugly Shomes.  And ginormous!
Herlock: [dryly]  Very observant Whatnot, don't quit medicine for directiving
 will you?  But what did you notice from the woman's appearance?
Whatnot: Well, she was wearing a slate-coloured, broad-rimmed...
Herlock: Skip the clothes Whatnot, what could you tell me from them.
Whatnot: That she was probably slightly well-to-do
Herlock: Who are you calling toodoo, wooden-eye?
Whatnot: What?!
Herlock: Never mind, my mistake, yes, your perception is coming along well.
 You have of course, missed all of importance, but you are getting there.
 Did you not notice that 1 by 1 and a half foot sign on her chest saying
 "I need help, I'm short sighted, and I'm a typist"?
Whatnot: Good lord, you know I never did Herlock, but now you mention it, I
 think I can recollect the very thing!
Herlock: Yes, and did you notice that she was wearing odd shoes and that she
 had written a note before leaving her abode, but after dressing to
 come here?
Whatnot: Really Herlock, how did you manage to obtain all this information?
Herlock: It was on the sign on her back.
Whatnot: Goodness, it is certainly amazing what the trained eye observes!
Herlock: Yes, and look at these letters  [rustle rustle]  What can you tell
 me about them?
Whatnot: They look just like any other letters
Herlock: But look carefully.  They are on paper!
Whatnot: Goodness, you're right Herlock, I'd completely overlooked that!!!
Herlock: And they are in crayon!
Whatnot: My word, they are too!  How did you manage to figure that out?
Herlock: Training Whatnot; training.  The skilled observer misses nothing.
 Notice how the letter is arranged... in connected sequences of
 letters.
Whatnot: Let me see [rustle rustle]  So they are, what does it mean?
Herlock: They are WORDS Whatnot!
Whatnot: So they are.  How devious!  "My... Dearest... Love..."
 Do you think it means something Herlock?!?!?!
Herlock: No, it's rubbish
Whatnot: [dissappointed]  Oh
Herlock: I'm fairly sure I can sort out the case admirably, but to settle this
 matter, I shall dispatch two letters, one to a firm in the city and
 one to the woman's father
Whatnot: STEP father
Herlock: Oh yes of course, MY, those letters ARE small aren't they, I think
 I'll be needing a set of reading glasses before long.
 But for now Doctor Whatnot, we can do no more but wait.  Care for
 some snuff?
[End of scene music]

NR:     I partook of some of the snuff and flew back to my lodgings to
finish some work I had been doing with some spiders and snakes
in a small room with loud echoes.  Later that week I called again
on Shomes to see how the case had come along.  As usual, Shomes
was at work with his "Beginners Chemistry Set"
[door opening]

Whatnot: Well, Shomes, have you solved it?
Herlock: My goodness yes Whatnot, look, see, this magnesium ribbon burns with
 an amazingly bright flame!
Whatnot: No, no, Herlock, I meant the mystery!
Herlock: Mystery?  What mystery?  That's a mystery to me!
Whatnot: The case of Humdinger Angle
Herlock: By George Whatnot, you've solved it, tell me how did you do it, it
 was beyond even my powers of deduction!
Whatnot: It's written down there on your notepad.
Herlock: So it is!  Well done Whatnot, you're coming along admirably.
Whatnot: Oh good, when do I get the uniform?
Herlock: Uniform?
Whatnot: The Admirable's uniform, I've always wanted to be a sailor.
Herlock: I've no doubt Whatnot, but I fear you have crossed purposes and
 twisted comprehension.
Whatnot: No, no, I got an A pass for comprehension in Standard 3
Herlock: Can we dispense with this doctor
Whatnot: I'm afraid I cannot, I am a doctor not a pharmacist Herlock, HA
 HA HA HA HA HA HA
>slap<
 Thank you Herlock, it happened again
Herlock: You wished to know of the Humdinger case.  Well, as I stated
 I can sort this case out, although I do believe that the culprit
 in this case cannot be touched by the law.
Whatnot: You mean he is a Mason?!
Herlock: Almost Whatnot, criminally insane
Whatnot: Egad!
 But who was he, and what did he have to gain by deserting our
 client?
[Footsteps, stopping, then knocking]

Herlock: Ah, I believe that is the girls STEP father...
Whatnot: [quietly]  Well Read, well read
Herlock: Mr Willibanger, coming to see me as arranged.  [shout]  Come in!
[Door opening closing, footsteps]
 Good evening Mr Willibanger.  I believe this typewritten letter
 [rustle rustle] is from you, stating you would meet us at 6.
Mr Willibanger: Yes, sorry, I'm late, got caught up in a carriage jam just at
the corner of Baker street, fruit cart jackknifed in front of
us.  But enough, I am most sorry my daughter...
Whatnot:        STEP daughter
Mr Willibanger: STEP daugher involved you in all of this mess, it is not the
sort of thing one airs in public, although, of course it is
not that I disapprove of you yourself.
Herlock:        Of course
Mr Willibanger: But surely you are wasting your time, this Humdinger Angle
cannot be found!
Herlock:        On the contrary, I believe I have found him!
Mr Willibanger: [startled] WHAT! [Recovered] I mean, oh that's fantastic!
Herlock:        It is an amazing thing that a typewriter has as much
individuality as a mans handwriting.
Whatnot:        What about a woman's handwriting?
Herlock:        They all write alike, sloppy letters of love and
abandonment.
       [raving] But a man has a strong, Virile, DEMANDING sort of writing,
spiced with the spartan upbringing, revealing the true
masculine form, in the flashing of eyes, the rippling of
thighs, beneath the
>slap<
Thank you Whatnot, a bit too much of the fine sugar on
my weetbix I think.  Where was I?  Ah yes, on a
typewriter, thru constant use some letters get more worn
than others, and within a short period of time a
typewriter becomes typecast, so to speak.  Now, if we
were to perchance to look at this note of yours, Mr
Willibanger, and see that the J, X, Q and Z keys are
never used and then look at the notes by Mr Humdinger
Angle we would see that a similar thing has happened,
no J, X, Q's or Z's.  Does that not strike you as strange?
Mr Willibanger: Not particularly
Herlock:        It does me, in fact it reminds me quite a lot of a
particular phobia, LETROPHOBIA, whereby the sufferer
has, over a period of tough scrabble games, developed
a dreading fear of those very 4 letters
Mr Willibanger: That's ridiculous, you're a stark raving loony!
Herlock:        Look out behind you, a letter Q with a 10 in the bottom
right corner.
Mr Willibanger: [terrified]  AGHHHH  WHERE?!  Keep it away from me!!!
Herlock:        Just a little experiment that proved my point, don't you
think?
Mr Willibanger: It proves nothing, you still have not found Mr Angle
Herlock:        On the contrary, he is in this VERY ROOM!
Mr Willibanger: What?  You cannot be serious, one of you did it!?
Whatnot:        I somehow don't think that's what Shomes means.
I believe I see the full picture now.  You, Mr
Willibanger, and your new wife were living quite
comfortably on the income from your ... STEP daughter
and feared that she would leave with a suitor and her
money.  You both decided that a devious and dirty plan
would be necessary to convince her once and for all that
men were dastardly, and that she was much safer in the
confines of your home, doing the chores and supplying
extra, much desired income.  YOU Mr Willibanger disguised
yourself as a suitor, dressed yourself in wig and glasses,
changed your voice and courted our poor client, and then
abandoned her, knowing that she would be forever true to
you and never marry.  YOU UTTER CAD!
Mr Willibanger: But.. I ...
Whatnot:        DON'T TRY TO DENY IT, Shomes, tell him how right I am!
Herlock: Plus 10 for deductive skills, Minus 10 for correctness.
Whatnot: What?!
Herlock: You're dead wrong as bloody usual.  I DID IT!  I've had a GUTSFUL
 of you stealing my thunder, Whatnot, so I committed the perfect
 crime.  One with no motive, no access, and no weapon.  It was
 me all along!  I knew you would think it was Mr Willibanger, the
 poor insignificant fool, but it was me!  So Whatnot, you're wrong
 Wrong WRONG!  HA HA HA HA HA HA  WRONG WRONG WRONG, YOU LOSE
 Whatnot, YOU GOOK.  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, LOSER LOSER!
>slap<
 HA HA HA HA LOSER LOSER LOSER
[Door opening]  [fading into distance]
 HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha ....

Whatnot:        Oh dear, it was such an open and shut bag too.
Mr Willibanger: Case.
Whatnot:        What?
Mr Willibanger: [voice changing back to that of Shomes]
Case, an open and cut case, Whatnot, my god man,
you'll never learn will you!
Whatnot:        Pardon?!
Mr Willibanger: You feeble minded fool Whatnot, look at me carefully...
Whatnot:        By George, it's you Shomes!  Then who was that that looked
like you that just left?
Mr Willibanger: That was me too.
Whatnot:        You mean....
Mr Willibanger: Split personality, happens all the time.  Still, at least
I'm feeling myself, ha ha ha ha
Whatnot:        Oh Jolly good Herlock, Another case well solved...

- The End -

[e-mail].

*** EOF