ARM Club 1/ARM_CLUB_CD.iso/contents/sillies/silly8/O/OnRenderin

Text File | 1994-02-18 | 16KB | 270 lines

                On rendering one's self QRV
                ===========================


Immediately upon attaining his age of majority, a gentleman will wish at
once to uphold the fine traditions of his forebears and render himself
QRV. From an early age he will have understood the hidden meanings
contained within well-spaced hiccoughs and he will without difficulty
avail himself of a certificate of competence in the Morse code. His
juvenile experiments upon captive ground vermin and miscellaneous
amphibia in the privacy of his prep rooms will have familiarised him
with the rudiments of electrical conductivity and standard safety
procedures so that he will have no need of further toil before
submitting himself to the Radio Amateurs' Examination (which device was,
after all, only drawn-up to deny the lower orders the opportunity for
clandestine communications lest they rise up against their betters).

His first task will be to acquire the necessary apparatus. It is
customary to first telephone every dealer in the country and offer one's
exclusive lifelong patronage to each, the better to ensure prompt
attention from the mischievous dealers. After a reasonable period of,
say, a week he should make arrangements to wait upon the nearest to hand
and to purchase therefrom the most expensive apparatus of whichever
manufacture may most readily be had from stock, securing for himself the
undying gratitude of the rapscallion into whose capacious pockets a
large part of the purchase price will invariably go.

Since those to the manor born do not carry coins of the realm about
their persons, he will wish to effect such acquisitions on credit terms.
The mischievous dealer being not well-versed in the social graces, this
election will inevitably require that a referee be named. Against this
appalling display of bad manners, a gentleman should make the purchase
in his man's name, offering his own only as referee. This will ensure
that the reference, if taken up, will definitely go forth and under his
own, more literate, hand. It offers the further advantage that, should
he tire of his new toy, the gentleman may at once desist payments
whereupon his man will stand most helpfully between him and the bootless
mercenaries bent upon extortion of the greater sum.

When the selected equipment is delivered, a gentleman will at once open
the cartons, ensuring that the packaging is so torn as to suggest to his
fundamentals that it was second-user equipment acquired at amazingly
fortuitous rates from a recent Bentley-boot sale. Espoused gentleman and
those contemplating that happy estate should store the carton-remnants
safely, since they will provide hours of cost-free entertainment for
their harmonics in the years ahead.

The equipment itself must be dragged enthusiastically from its
protective wrapping so that if it be destined to fail, or suffer damage
at the hands of his clumsy staff, a gentleman may be assured that any
such failure shall be precipitated within the warranty period, starting
forthwith. For the same good reason, all cables and connections should
separately be tested with several vigorous tugs from divers angles.

Radio apparatus, in the main, is assembled and packed by the common man
and its covers should therefore be removed in order to facilitate a
close inspection of parts contained within. Particular attention should
be paid to the alignment of the several rotatable slots on various
components. The common man has little or no appreciation of symmetry and
it will be necessary in almost every case for each of the adjusters to
be turned so that all lie in the same orientation. It matters not for
any practical purpose whether the slots are aligned in a North-South or
East-West orientation but, since they will turn without resistance, the
blade of a pocket-knife may usefully be employed to effect any necessary
corrections. A gentleman should not smoke whilst carrying out these
adjustments for, whilst the addition of fine Havanna-ash may neither
enhance nor detract from the performance of the apparatus, its presence
therein may tempt the dealer to suggest that its innards have been
inappropriately visited should the apparatus need to be returned to him
for replacement.

One or more aerials will be desirable if the apparatus is to be tested
and used to good effect. The suspension of a long length of wire at
roof-top height has much to commend it, and particularly if neighbouring
properties are blessed already with fitments for the carriage of
television receiving aerials. The affixure of one's long wire to such
erections will provide a most beneficial increase of lift. Since the
lower orders are apt to be wary of anything not properly understood by
them, it will be less troublesome if the wire is suspended and connected
quietly during the hours of darkness. The occupants of the host-premises
may further be spared concern if the wire employed for the purpose is of
such gauge as to be virtually invisible from the ground.

Once the aerial is in place the operational functions of the apparatus
must be tested. This is a simple proceedure, best carried out over a
glass of fine port which will help to alleviate the tedium. If a
suitable plug has not been affixed to the electrical supply wire, a
gentleman must cause his man to be summoned and entrust to him the task
of fitting one such. It ill behoves a gentleman of breeding to engage
himself in such dangerous activities and he would do well to steer clear
of matters about which he knows nought. Once assured by his man that the
electrical supply has been safely connected, he may proceed by switching
the apparatus 'on'.

The receive function should be tested first and, for this, it will be
necessary to locate two controls which are marked 'AF' and 'ATT'. The
former should be twisted firmly to its most clockwise position and the
latter, with equal verve, to its opposite extreme. A working receiver
will then emit a loud noise which is similar to that heard on the family
wireless when tuned to "Hilversund" after 10 pm. If no such confirmation
is heard, the apparatus must be deemed faulty and two or three of one's
most bellicose staff should be despatched to bring forward the
blackguard who purveyed it.

If, on the other hand, all is well the transmit feature may be tested.
The receive side having been satisfactorily proved, both controls
already mentioned should be reversed to their opposite extremes. The
apparatus will then fall silent and testing may continue without
distraction.

The help of a second person is desirable for the transmission test and,
since one's man will have a vested interest in the apparatus (though he
will not, of course, be cognisant of this small fact yet), it would seem
only fair to employ him for the purpose. It is only necessary that he be
despatched to the room containing the family televsion receiver, with
instructions to turn it on and observe developments. Control knobs are
fitted to the front of the apparatus for checking purposes and should be
adjusted so that the 'Mode' is 'USB', 'Proc' is ON, 'RF' is fully
clockwise and 'SWR/ALC/SWR' is at OFF. The microphone should then be
firmly keyed for several minutes, during which time the gentleman will
bark established phrases such as "CQ CQ CQ CQ from Upper Throgmorton, CQ
CQ CQ CQ C'mon back good buddies, gimme a Roger c'mon."

His man may then be recalled from the television room and following his
confirmation that Sir's voice was heard in the television receiver, it
may be assumed that the transceiver is working correctly.

It is inevitable that many of the bootless and unhorsed around will be
malingering beside their own, cobbled- together equipment at the time,
instead of earning their daily bread, and that large numbers of them
will hear these initial transmissions. They will be understandably keen
to meet the gentleman for the first time and throughout the pile-up
which follows he should remember that noblesse oblige. Notwithstanding
the guttural tongues and banal drivel to which he will be exposed, he
must remark with all the determination of his caste that the common man
is best led by example. Empathy will be the first order of the day and a
fair attempt should be made at speaking to the proletariat in terms
which it will understand.

Should any step beyond their place, for example, it will not serve to
courteously demand satisfaction, for the working man perceives
satisfaction to be a form of self- abuse. Instead, a more appropriate
response will be framed along the lines of "Any more out of you, auld
son, an' I'll cum round there and slap yer damned lights out for yer,
yer bl**dy p***-pot".

Upon being advised that "this frequency is in use" - which happenstance
matters not a jot since it will scarce become worn-out no matter how
well-used it become - a similarly appropriate response will be "I know
that, you pr*t, *I'm* using it: I challenged it when I came on and if
you couldn't be bothered answering then ...."

In most circumstances a gentleman will observe that, though the ether be
silent before his arrival, it will within minutes congest as disembodied
voices vie each with the others for the privelege of receving his
acknowledgement. Rather than give as much, he should instead listen
attentively for a few moments, thus expanding his grasp of the working
man's tongue. He may interrupt from time to time and demonstrate his
fluency with well-thought comments such as "You're all a bunch of
w*nkers". That the common man enjoys and benefits from such repartee is
demonstrated regularly and most clearly by the enthusiasm and verbosity
of his response.

A gentleman of quality will ever mind the desirability of knowing first
with whom he is speaking. Those domiciled abroad, for example, are apt
more to be confused than encouraged at hearing that their heads are
linked directly with organs further South. An educated fellow will have
no difficulty in recalling apposite events from history with which to
enthuse a foreign correspondent so that those of an arian disposition,
for example, may be greeted with enquiries such as "Who bombed our
Chippies then ? Heh ? Tell me that then ....", whilst those of more
Napoleonic leanings will enjoy reference to the E.E.C., perhaps along
the lines of "We got in then .... your man wasn't upto much, was he ?"

Amongst his many other charitable works, a gentleman may be minded to
patronise his most local Amateur Radio Society. Indeed, this is to be
encouraged for he may find therein boundless opportunities to advance
his enjoyment of things radio.

Mindful of the lower orders' vulnerability to empathy, it will be most
useful to have one's man firmly affix one or two conspicuous
transmitting aerials to the roof of one's automobile before motoring to
a meeting. If such can be found without much ado, a large "Eyeball
Eyeball" sticker placed prominently in the rear window will do much to
break the ice and encourage conversation. A small handheld wireless with
extended aerial may be further beneficial if disported conspicuously in
a blazer pocket, and the addition of a large speaker-microphone appended
to one's lapel is often seen as an unquestionable mark of one's
commitment to the hobby. Should suitable microphone not be readily
available, a headset with boom-microphone attached will, if worn
throughout the evening, achieve much the same end.

The common man, once QRV, greatly enjoys making new contacts and his
pleasure at making another such, "in the flesh" as it were, may be well
imagined. It will be a comely gesture if a gentleman effecting such a
visit will himself take the initiative and introduce himself around,
being mindful that none present are unfairly disadvantaged by being
overlooked. Since each will be accustomed to (if not actually
responsible for) many an interruption "on air" there would seem to be
little need for normal courtesies and it will be quite acceptable if a
gentleman will break-in without waiting for an invitation to speak.

In view of the limited vocabulary espoused by his hosts, however, a
gentleman should plan ahead and endeavour to memorise as much as
possible of his English-Gobrot, Gobrot-English dictionary before
turning-out.

Approbation, for example, is most readily understood when expressed as
"Absolutely .... QSL one hundred per cent Old Man, one hundred per
cent". Equally, "That's a Roger" will convey similar sentiments less
forcefully. Where a gentleman would retire to adjust his dress, the
lower orders are wont to "QRX for a Papa India 5-5" and it as well that
this be understood beforehand since any request for clarification will
invariably lead to overmuch amusement among the unhorsed.

Once introductions are effected, it is de rigeur that a subject of
common interest be found and discussed in depth, the better to make
one's hosts more comfortable and relaxed in the presence of their
betters before moving on to grace others in the room. The choice of
suitable subjects will vary from area to area but a gentleman should
remark that, in the absence of others of his class, it is more likely
that pigeon-breeding or greyhound-racing will be topical than, for
example, the liaison between the Hon. Turnbuckle- Smythe and Lady
Walsh-Bryant in the House. Against this probability, he should be
prepared to introduce a compromise topic and matters-Radio will
generally be a useful fallback.

It is the practise of some Amateur Radio Societies to require visitors
to pay a few shillings in order to gain admittance. Very few will have
the good grace to waive this curmudgeonly charge, even for their
betters, and before opting for the alternative sting of an immediate
subscription a gentleman should ascertain whether or not registered
members are similarly required to pay a nightly attendance fee. Should a
fellow be ripped for one or the other, he may take heart from the
knowledge that such receipts will generally remain in view throughout
the evening, thus affording him ample opportunity to discreetly effect a
reunion.

A final caveat to the younger gentleman whose experience may not thus
far include much in the way of fraternising with the lower orders: It is
inevitable that though he go among them in charity and good faith he
will find his tolerance taxed to the limit by the uncouth presentment of
some of those present. Some, undoubtedly, will make so bold as to
disagree with whatever wisdom he may impart to them, or question his
better knowledge, and it is essential that he know how to deal
advantageously with such couthless and bootless displays.

Under no circumstances should he require of the bounder that he step
outside for, unlike those of breeding, the common man is wont to do so
with lamentable alacrity and, generally, malice aforethought. Neither
must he ask the name of the bounder's solicitor, lest he be accused of
suggesting the creature's wife works mainly at night. It will be better
for all concerned if he will instead graciously acknowledge that his
protagonist is plainly a thinking man, and commend his obvious
intelligence for so competently expounding a valid view. He may then bid
his fond farewells to the rabble within and take his leave.

Such is the common man's appreciation of approbation from his betters,
those present will be clamouring anxiously to discuss his obvious fine
breeding and kindness for attending, even while he stalks the car-park
relieving the bounder's tyres of their air. He may then reflect from
time to time upon his handling of the situation while he plagiarises the
bounder's callsign throughout the radio spectrum.

Best wishes,

Greg (G0MAM) @ GB7CHS

*** EOF